Last week, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry announced the name of their firstborn son: Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor. As someone with a pretentious name that is a mouthful as well, I wish that baby all the luck in the world as he gets tormented for the next 90 years of his life, but at least that builds character. Of course, Kim and Kanye not only one-upped Meghan and Harry by having their baby five seconds later, but they will also be sure to give him an over-the-top name that will put little Archiekins to shame. Here’s a rundown of our name predictions for Kim and Kanye’s fourth baby, which are probably really far off knowing Kimye, because they aren’t predictable people in any sense of the word.
At this rate, Kim and Kanye are gonna name their fourth kid Deus or some shit
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) May 10, 2019
Kanye’s latest fixation is his Sunday Service, and thank God, because we all needed him to get the f*ck off Twitter and stop pontificating about Trump being a phenomenon. Kim and her family are pretty religious as well. Kourtney posts bible verses on social media all the time, and they’re actually more palatable when you read them in her monotone, judgmental voice that probably made a lot of girls cry when she was in high school.
Anyway, my money would primarily be on a name that’s religious. They already nicknamed their third kid Chi, which low-key is a name that means God. So it’s been done before, but in a low-key way. Once again, this is absolutely to one-up Meghan and Harry’s kid because it’s just like, “Oh, you’re royal? You know what’s more epic? God.” I’m thinking the name “Jesus” is too obvious. So I think they’re going to go with a name that means God in a different language.
A Tribute To Kanye
It’s up for debate whether or not this would fall under the category of “religious” because on one hand, Kanye has a God complex, and on the other hand, society perceives that as him just being a douche. Kanye means “next in line for chieftaincy,” “honor,” and “once/one time” in various African languages. I think for the first option that I’m too lazy to attempt because I don’t wanna spell cheiftaincy again, Prince could easily be on the table. That also one-ups Prince Harry. As for honor, I don’t think they’re literally going to name their kid “Honor.” It’s not that they would hate that name. It’s just that Jessica Alba’s kid already has it, and I don’t think the Kardashian-West’s want to be associated with someone who sells Target cleaning products and starred in a Dane Cook movie. Kim wants to forget that she had a horrific clothing line at Macy’s and I don’t think she likes talking about the one movie she’s ever starred in. I can’t find any names that mean “once.” So, out of all these names, Prince is a contender.
A Variation Of Robert
Kim has said before that she wanted to give her fourth child the name Robert since it’s a family name, but knows it wouldn’t fit in with the rest of the family because it’s so normal that it would make him the weird one. “Robert” means “bright fame,” which is so on brand for that family. “Fame” is just out there, but it’s so out there that it doesn’t hit the ears in the right way for a name, so that wouldn’t work. I’m thinking something like Prestige. I really think they would have the audacity to name their kid Prestige and I think people would buy into it because they already bought into Reign, Dream, and Saint.
A Really Tone-Deaf Name
What’s been harder & more painful is being hurt by someone so close to me. Someone whom I love & treat like a little sister. But Jordyn is not to be blamed for the breakup of my family. This was Tristan’s fault.
— Khloé (@khloekardashian) March 2, 2019
After Tristan got caught cheating on Khloé for the first time, they named their baby True. Ironic, right? I think Tristan doesn’t really have a grasp on the concept of honesty, and given that Khloé stayed with him for so long, she didn’t have a grasp on the truth either. So, it would be pretty on brand for the already tone-deaf Kanye and the sometimes tone-deaf Kim to give their kid a tone-deaf name. IDK, probably something that means “humility,” “modesty,” or “#NoFilter.”
A Geography-Centric Name
Two out of the four West kids already already have names that pertain to geography. However, both of them are girls, so maybe that’s a pattern that’s only reserved for them. Just maybe. Kanye recorded his latest album in Uganda, so maybe he’ll name his kid after a city there. Or just straight-up name him Uganda. They could go with Kim’s birthplace since they already have Chicago, but Kim’s from Calabasas, and I feel like Calabasas is more of a girl’s name. Then again, giving a boy a girl’s name or vice-versa is as annoying as giving your kid an intentionally misspelled name, and Kim and Kanye are way past that, so maybe they’d go for it. Cali for short? God, I hate that.
Anyway, congratulations to Kim and Kanye for becoming parents again, and congratulations to Kris Jenner for becoming a grandmomager again! Best of luck with trying to raise this kid without North acting out because she’s jealous someone else is getting attention.
Images: Shutterstock;; khloekardashian, betchesluvthis / Twitter
The last Kardashian baby of the year has finally emerged from her mother’s womb, wiped clean of her 24-karat gold amniotic fluid, and is ready to post her first topless pic on the Instagram account her grandmother so lovingly set up. She has been swaddled in Gucci blankets and her placenta has been commandeered by Kourtney for snacking purposes. True has officially arrived, and now it’s time for reflection. Since we have a (probably brief) break in Kardashian procreation, I thought it might be a good time to take a look back at all the Kardashian baby names from over the years and rank them.
I realize most rankings usually go from best to worst, but so many of the names are terrible, horrible aberrations that I would not even deign to name my dog (Hi Macaroni! Mommy loves you!) so “best” is really a stretch. Our ranking will go from a scale of least ridiculous to I’m sending in Child Protective Services. Let’s start the judging process, friends.
Penelope is obviously the most normal of all the Kardashian baby names, and maybe Kourtney is on to something with all that placenta pill popping, because her children have the least insane names of the bunch. It’s gotta be because they weren’t as famous when Kourt’s kids were born, right? I’m pretty sure the more famous you are, the more brain damaged you are, and therefore the more fucked up names you choose for your spawn.
Mason is also not a ridiculous name, so congratu-fucking-lations, Kourtney, you’ve impressed me and not made me want to jump out my window. But, I was poking around the internet trying to see where she got it from, and I stumbled upon an article in the Daily Mail that said Mason means the same thing in English that Kardashian means in Armenian. What a beautiful sentiment, Kourtney. But also a little weird because Mason’s middle name is Dash, after David Schwimmer (her dad), and a part of the name Kardashian. I like that she’s honoring her dad, especially since no one else seems to give a shit, but it’s a little redundant, no?
This is where it starts to go off the rails for Kourtney. Reign is not a name. Reign is something a king or queen does. Your child is not royal, just the product of unprotected sex between the 4th best sister on a reality TV show and a basic white dude from Long Island. Prince George would spit in your face, Reign, and make you carry his knapsack like the peasant you are. Although, I guess Reign is descended from a Lord…
I don’t even like the name True, so that’s how you know what absolute dumpster fires I think the other names are. This name is bad, but I’m gonna give her a break because this poor baby girl is going to have other things to worry about. Like the fact that her dad’s a cheating sack of shit or that she may or may not share DNA with the most famous murderer of the 90’s.
I mean, Dream Kardashian is the product of a famous stripper and a man whose greatest accomplishment is the fact that his mommy bought him a sock company, so tbh this could be a lot worse. I guess it’s like how my lawyer friends use the “Supreme Court Justice” test to give their kids names that would be appropriate on the bench; Rob and Chyna did the “Las Vegas Strip Club” test to give their kid a name that would be appropriate on the pole.
I know Kylie Jenner is barely old enough to drive, so I shouldn’t have expected much, but don’t rich people get the news? Even if Stormi was Kylie’s number one choice since she dreamed it up during recess in second grade, I would think the fact that it is also the name of the most famous porn star in recent history would at least give her pause. And no Kylie, the “i” at the end does not class it up.
Naming your kid Saint puts quite the expectations on them. Saints are holy, they live a life inspired by Jesus, they make sacrifices to help those less fortunate than themselves. They most certainly do not fly in private planes, have their diapers changed by a team of night nurses, and a mother that got famous because of a sex tape. Or wait, is that Mother Teresa’s origin story?
CHICAGO IS A CITY. IT IS NOT A NAME, YOU MORONS. It’s windy, cold, and filled with murder. I don’t care if that’s where Kanye is from, that’s not lovely imagery to associate with your brand new bundle of joy. Like what could have possibly possessed these morons to name their daughter Chicago? Did she look like a deep dish pizza coming out of the surrogate’s birth canal? It’s the only explanation.
Ding, ding, ding! North West, you are the winner of the fucking worst Kardashian baby name award! You get a blue ribbon, latent rage toward your parents, and a never-ending parade of expensive psychiatrists. I also was not even kidding about this ranking system, I legit called CPS on the Wests when I heard this name. Apparently they “have better things to do,” and “don’t appreciate prank calls.” Well CPS, I was deadly serious. This is a living human, they should not be allowed to give her a name that is basically a joke. If you want to give something a punny name, get a goldfish for fuck’s sake.
We’ve reached the end of our ranking, and honestly, that was exhausting. I guess in the end it doesn’t really matter what these children are named, they’re growing up on reality TV and being raised by plastic surgery-obsessed narcissists, so their mental health issues are inevitable. This family should have been sterilized.
Images: Wifflegif (2); Giphy (2); Gifer (1)
Friends, praise Jesus because we have made it into the home stretch. Two out of three Kardashian babies have been born, and unless Kris Jenner figures out how to go back in time and get OJ to knock her up (wouldn’t be surprised tbh), I think Khloé’s will be the last one for a while. She is expecting her bundle of joy in the next few months, and since Kylie just announced her daughter’s name, it’s time we speculate on big sis’s choice. Rumor has it that Khloé’s expecting a boy, but honestly that won’t factor into my guesses too much because when has a Kardashian been bound by traditional naming convention? Despite my desperate efforts to Keep Up, I don’t personally know Khloé, so I will be making my guesses in the next most reliable way—by stalking her Instagram, duh.
1. Tristan Robert
Let’s get the obvious out of the way, shall we? Khloé told Ellen DeGeneres that if the baby is a boy she will most likely be naming him after his father, Tristan Thompson. A boring choice, but whatever, I can respect that. I’m also going to throw a curveball at this name and guess she adds Robert as the middle name in honor of her own father. Khloé seems to be the Kardashian most affected by
David Schwimmer Robert Kardashian’s death, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she put it in the middle spot. Khloé is also close with her brother Rob, even though he’s only worth a few million dollars and does not have a revenge body. She’s like, so generous.
Let’s be real here, this whole pregnancy is obviously sponsored by Calvin Klein (and FaceTune, but you can’t name a baby that… or CAN YOU?). First, Khloé officially announced her pregnancy wearing her carefully chosen Calvin Klein bra.
My greatest dream realized! We are having a baby! I had been waiting and wondering but God had a plan all along. He knew what He was doing. I simply had to trust in Him and be patient. I still at times can’t believe that our love created life! Tristan, thank you for loving me the way that you do! Thank you for treating me like a Queen! Thank you for making me feel beautiful at all stages! Tristan, most of all, Thank you for making me a MOMMY!!! You have made this experience even more magical than I could have envisioned! I will never forget how wonderful you’ve been to me during this time! Thank you for making me so happy my love! Thank you to everyone for the love and positive vibes! I know we’ve been keeping this quiet but we wanted to enjoy this between our family and close friends as long as we could privately. To enjoy our first precious moments just us ❤️ Thank you all for understanding. I am so thankful, excited, nervous, eager, overjoyed and scared all in one! But it’s the best bundle of feelings I’ve ever felt in my life! ❤️❤️❤️
Then, last month, the whole family lounged around in their Calvins for an ad campaign.
So let me ask you this: What is the price of a baby? About the same as a national ad campaign, would you say? Did Calvin Klein just buy himself into the Kardashian legacy forever? The answer is clearly yes, but it wouldn’t be a Kardashian name if they didn’t substitute the very appropriate C for a very unnecessary K. Kalvin Kardashian Thompson, there you have it.
3. Gabbana or Dolce
As we all know, Khloé’s beloved dog or “first child”, Gabbana, recently passed away. I personally understand how devastating this can be, having threatened my parents that if they ever put my dogs down I would cry a river of tears and then drown myself in them. Guess how that worked out for me? Anyway, Khloé was clearly attached to this dog, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she named her first human child after the pooch. She could just straight-up go with Gabbana or perhaps choose the name Dolce as an homage to the pup, without having to say out loud “I named my baby after my dead dog.” Much classier.
Last night my sweet Gabbana passed away ???????? She was more than a pet. She was my first child, my companion and my friend. She was incredible! She made sure I was never lonely even during lonely times. The house will never be the same. I never thought I would be this devastated over loosing a dog but 14 years, is a long time together. She filled a significant role in my life and I’m forever grateful. I love you Goober!! I’ll remember you always! ????
My final baby name guess for Khloé is America. The Kardashians have never met a promotional opportunity that they did not milk for all it’s worth, baby or not. Khloé’s clothing brand is known as Good American, and why wouldn’t you name your baby after a line of waist-cinching bodysuits? The Kardashians have also proven they’re interested in location-based names, with the recent addition of Chicago West to the brood that already included Penelope Scotland Disick. God bless America (Thompson), and God bless us all.