Welcome back, friends, to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read! Last week, Katie kicked off her season with a bang–and, unlike ABC, I’m not going to giggle like an 11-year-old boy after making that pun. Big front-runners from that first night included Greg Grippo, a guy who single-handedly raised real estate prices for the entire state of New Jersey just by being a gem of a human during his TV debut; and a grown man who displays his sexual arousal by wearing cat ears and licking his paws. Can’t wait to see what sort of chaotic energy we’re in store for tonight!
Mike Makes It Into The Producer’s Burn Book
Every season there’s at least one person who makes it into the producer’s burn book. Last season it was Sarah, who was somehow convinced multiple times to commandeer Matt James’ attention by stealing other women’s alone time. Have you seen the end of The Lion King? Sarah’s time on the show ended much like Scar’s reign over Pride Rock: in a blaze of metaphorical fire with hyenas (Queen Victoria and her minions) eating her carcass alive on national television.
^^Sarah, last season
This year, it appears their new target is Mike, the 31-year-old virgin from San Diego. Look, going after the virgin seems like low-hanging fruit to me but whatever you need to do for ratings, amiright ABC?
My suspicions are only reinforced during the first group date when the men are led to an undisclosed location where Katie tells them things are about to get “raw and real.” Those are the exact words my mother used to describe chafing to me after I hit puberty early and experienced a huge weight gain, but I’m sure the producers were going for more sexual undertones when they added that line to Katie’s script. Cut to the men entering a dark room with nothing but a discarded bra on the floor. While some of the men are already sporting chubbies at the thought of a clothing-optional date, poor Jesus Boy looks like he’s seconds away from calling his pastor for an emergency prayer session.
It only gets worse from there. As you might have guessed, this date is all about sex! ABC has enlisted comedian Heather McDonald to help Katie host a competition to see which of these men will make the best lover. If that’s the end goal, then it’s troubling that I don’t see her vibrator in the crowd.
The first half of the date consists of Heather quizzing the men on their basic understanding of female sexuality. Spoiler alert: they don’t have one. Boys, boys, boys. She’s not asking you to solve a wizard’s riddle, she’s asking you about a woman’s climax!
HEATHER: What’s the best tool needed for a female orgasm?
Though it might seem this date was intended for comedic relief (and possibly to help Katie weed out the men who understand female pleasure from the men who have just had sex with a woman), really this date was crafted with the sole intent of getting Jesus Boy to cry. When the quizzing veers into the guys’ own sexual history (How much do they masturbate? When was the last time they had sex?) and Mike answers entirely in question marks, I have never felt more secondhand embarrassment in my life. At one point I was hoping a portal would open up and take us both to a kinder world. At the very least, I was hoping he wouldn’t pee himself on stage, which felt like a very real possibility the longer that inquisition went on.
Eventually the men are tasked with one final humiliation: prove to Katie ON STAGE how they’ll be the perfect lover. I worry that ABC did not set enough parameters for what these “acts” should consist of when Tre performed his erotic sock puppet show and Karl dragged a spoiled banana down the body of a cardboard cut-out of Katie.
— ♡ (@tvgoldtweets) June 15, 2021
Eventually Mike makes it to the stage and I’m worried the only way production got him up there was by holding his bible hostage off-screen. While most of the men take this as an opportunity to use various props to describe their penis size, Mike decides to turn his virginity into spoken word poetry. It’s a bold move and one I didn’t expect from a man who could have just walked on stage, pointed to the gigantic cross around his neck, and been like, “you get it.” For his honesty, Katie rewards him with the Best Lover trophy. That seems a stretch to me. I’m not sure honesty equates to “has any idea where the clit is on your body” but I suppose it’s the thought that counts.
Honestly, while I’m glad this guy survived productions’ attempt to send him walking into the nearest oncoming traffic, I don’t think he’ll last long here. Katie probably doesn’t care about his virgin status, but if a red lacy bra makes him break out into hives, he’s probably not her match. She’s looking for a partner who is comfortable with their sexuality, whatever that may be. Later in the evening, Mike reveals that he feels bad for his future wife because of “all of that pent-up energy” and Katie and I both can barely contain our shudders just thinking about the three minutes of vigorous dry humping that woman will experience on their honeymoon.
And what do you know! Mike doesn’t even receive the group date rose. While Mike might have been “raw and real” with his words, Thomas was “raw and real” with his tongue on that couch and receives Katie’s coveted group date rose. Honestly, I have working eyes, so I get it, Katie. Carry on.
Greg Is Still A Winner
Greg had another outstanding performance tonight. He managed to score both the first one-on-one date of the season and the first spot on every man’s hit list. Should he mysteriously go missing next week, our number one suspect should be any of the guys who snagged the number of the van-owning skin salesman from night one. I can read between the lines and right now I’m reading that bio as “has definitely disposed of a body through a Craigslist ad before.”
But back to Greg and Katie! I would just like to have it on record that every time I see these two together I seethe with jealousy. They are so freaking cute, I can’t stand it. Logically, I know it’s only been a few days since they first met, but somehow they seem to be operating on the same wavelength. Case in point: They both show up to their date wearing matching flannel outfits. This is something grandparents do in their old age so they don’t lose each other in crowds. I should be disgusted! But when these two do it, it’s just romantic and quirky. I hate them already.
— ♡ (@tvgoldtweets) June 15, 2021
More than that, they both have shared trauma that further cements their bond. Katie picked camping for their date activity because it’s something she used to do with her dad before he passed away. Later, Greg reveals that his dad passed away suddenly from cancer. They both seem genuinely shocked that they were willing to share this deeply personal information so early on in their relationship. Normally, this is where I would break out into a monologue about how ABC likes to pimp out people’s pain for viewership, but this is just such a touching moment that I can’t even chide ABC for orchestrating it about. Greg is going to go far in this game, just mark my words.
All The Wrong Reasons
Most of tonight’s episode was dominated by a tried and true Bachelor/ette storyline: who’s here for the right reasons? Similar to the theme of the first group date, the second group date is all about getting Katie off—I just didn’t realize that getting Katie off involved man-on-man mud wrestling. While some of the men engage in actual feats of strength, others are just doing a glorified slap and tickle. It becomes evident mid-mud wrestle that this date is actually not about Katie at all, but is rather a half-baked date idea to remind us of the fight that wasn’t on night one between Cody and Aaron. It’s almost as if ABC won’t allow us to get through one episode without forcing unwanted drama upon the masses.
Aaron reveals that he knows Cody from home and doesn’t think he’s here for the right reasons. I mean… the man did show up to the house with a blow-up doll so, like, are we surprised? But if Katie’s truly conflicted over this revelation then she should have utilized her hosts, Tayshia and Kaitlyn, the way god and the girl code intended. Why aren’t they out there canvasing Cody’s Venmo receipts for her? Creating finstas to see whose pictures he likes on IG? I’m sure they could find an incriminating DM in five seconds flat. Put the sisterhood to good use, Katie!
In the end, Katie also remembers the blow-up doll incident (I’m sure it was seared into her brain as it was in mine) and sends Cody home almost immediately. Though Katie comes off calm and collected when she gives Cody the boot, she still seems pretty rattled from the whole experience. Look, Katie, this is not the crowd you want smelling your fear. There’s nothing more terrifying than a large group of straight men who sense your deepest insecurity. Have you seen Jaws? Well, Katie, there’s blood in the water now. Swim, bitch, swim!
Karl is the first shark to capitalize off her fragile mindset when he takes it upon himself to start sh*t at the rose ceremony. If you’ll recall, Karl is the motivational speaker who so eloquently said in the first group date that being the perfect lover means “17 hours of f*ck action.” So, you could say his energy is just a constant state of mercury being in retrograde.
— Lily Pink (@lilypink156) June 15, 2021
He spins a tale for Katie of a mysterious “not here for the right reasons” boogeyman. Does he have a concrete example he can elaborate on? Absolutely not. Will he reveal his source? Only if he loses control over one of his other personalities. He might as well have a flashlight held up underneath his face for all the dramatic effect he’s going for. Buddy, this isn’t Are You Afraid of the Dark? Save your ghost stories for the campfire.
And while we know this is bullsh*t, Katie starts to spiral. She gives an impassioned speech to the men telling them to GTFO of the house if they aren’t there to be her husband.
KATIE: I just learned that there are still people here who aren’t here for the right f*cking reason.
Karl tries to save his ass by asking that the “person” who isn’t there for the right reasons come forward. As if this “person” will just appear out of thin air simply because he manifests a villain to save his time on the show. That’s not how manifestation works! You need at least three Pratt Daddy crystals while you chant the lyrics to a Taylor Swift song. Duh.
While Katie and the men fan out to find the Not Here For The Right Reasons Bandit, might I suggest they take a closer look at Katie’s stylist? Because I’m less worried that one of these men will pull a fast one on her and more worried that she’s being sabotaged by her stylist. Her look for the cowboy themed group date was… a choice. Look, I know Stagecoach has become, like, an entire personality trait at this point, but did they have to model her outfit off of an Olsen twin’s How The West Was Fun costume? And dear god, don’t even get me started on that rose ceremony getup. Katie is a gorgeous girl and they have her dressed like a Slytherin at her first Yule Ball. Is that metallic… green?? Katie, you’re too pretty for what they’re doing to you!
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ME ALONE IN MY LIVING ROOM:
And that’s all she wrote for this episode, kids! The rose ceremony ends before we’re allowed any real resolution. The only people for sure moving are rose winners from this week’s dates: Greg, Andrew S., and Thomas. Until then, friends!
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (3); Quora (1); @spencerpratt /Instagram (1); @lilypink156 /Twitter (1); @tvgoldtweets /Twitter (2); @the_style_spotter /Instagram (1)
Welcome back to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read! Keep in mind that the title of this recap has not at all been endorsed by any governing body or organization and is mostly just a manifestation I’m shouting into the abyss after my third glass of wine. I just want to be upfront about that.
Moving on! For those of you who went into this season blind (you’re not better than me), you’ll want to meet your new Bachelorette: Katie Thurston. If you’re thinking to yourself “who?” and “no, seriously who??” Katie was the girl from Matt James’ season of The Bachelor whom I benevolently dubbed “Dildo Girl” in every single one of my recaps. On night one, Katie came out of the limo wide-eyed and fresh-faced, looking less like a girl fit for reality TV and more like a girl who would work the register at a Panera Bread. And I say that with love! I’m thrilled to be watching a girl who looks like she buys her makeup at CVS and has never once in her life heard of a lip filler dare to find love on national television. In fact, if not for the sparkly, average-sized dildo she waved in Matt’s face like a baton from her senior year marching band routine, we probably never would have heard from her again. But alas, Dildo Girl was born!
Unlike previous contestants we’ve seen on this franchise, Katie did more than just cry and bring general shame to her family name. During her time on The Bachelor, she took on girl-on-girl crime in the house by banishing the words “whore” and “slut” even though that was the majority of the script the producers provided to the girls. (And they would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for that meddling kid!) She tried to normalize sex toys by mentioning it one time as a gimmick and ABC never letting it f*cking die. She wore an ankle length parka to her one-on-one date. The woman was breaking boundaries everywhere she went! So, you could say that I have high hopes for her season.
With that in mind, let’s get into last night’s episode: the good, the bad, the cringe, and the things that will haunt my spirit until my last dying day.
The Good: First Impressions & The First Impression Rose
Let’s start off with the positives from last night (however slim they may be). The theme of this season is clearly “average,” if the beginning montage of Katie f*cking up normal day-to-day activities is to be any kind of indicator. Our preview of the men is in much the same vein. Sure, we get some former pro athletes, some CrossFitters, a 40-year-old virgin whose massive bedazzled cross barely hides his repressed sexuality, but there are also just as many teachers, dudes who probably ride New Jersey transit, guys who talk to their grandmas and play with kids. ABC is trying very hard to show us that they’ve selected average guys who do average things and are totally not at all looking to add thousands of followers so they can become full-time Instagram influencers.
Even the limo entrance gimmicks were tamer this season, which just goes to show that the ABC intern reading Instagram DMs has finally passed along my demands. Out of the first impressions, there were a few standout guys to me. There was Brendan the Toronto firefighter who looks like he would cheat on you with a Ruby Tuesday waitress if given the chance, but who is so attractive I don’t think any of us would care. There was Justin the investment sales consultant who scored the first kiss of the evening. While this is in no way an endorsement for Justin, I would feel remiss if I didn’t at least mention him. I mean, who among us hasn’t made out with a “sales consultant” early in the night and then promptly forgotten about him for the next guy to buy us a vodka cran?
Andrew S was also memorable as the man who decided that he wanted Katie’s first impression of him to be that he lied straight to her face. Bold move, cotton. In fact, one of my favorite moments of the evening was when, after absolutely butchering an English accent in a way that would send chills down the spines of the Windsor family, he asks Katie if the accent is no good and in response she tries to disintegrate into the nearest wall. Let’s just say I’ve witnessed better accents in Winning London. Know your strengths, buddy.
But the real winner of the evening is the first impression rose recipient: New Jersey’s Greg Grippo. He came out of the limo looking like a brunette Devon Sawa, handing out macaroni necklaces from his niece, and blushing every time Katie made direct eye contact with him. Honestly, the state of New Jersey hasn’t had a win like this since Vinny rebranded himself as the Keto Guido. Look, am I rooting for Greg? Yes. Do I think it’s rude that in all the time I spent trolling bars in Red Bank I never once met a Greg, only a man named Lorenzo who flirted with me only long enough to see if I’d pay for his Rolling Rock? I mean, it’s something I’ll be bringing up with my therapist. It does feel a little kismet the moment Greg and Katie first meet. Greg says Katie looks like a girl from a bar and Katie tries to hide her arousal from the cameras when she says he looks like her ex. If that’s not love at first sight, then I don’t know what is!!
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The Bad: The Hosts
Look, I know Chris Harrison is bad, bad, bad and we love women supporting women, but the new hosts just didn’t work for me. For those of you who weren’t aware, while Chris Harrison is off googling racism for the first time in his life, former Bachelorettes Tayshia and Kaitlyn took over as hosts this season. Here’s the thing, Tayshia and Kaitlyn’s presence makes for a lot of feminine energy that Katie then has to compete with. Tayshia is STUNNING and even though Kaitlyn looked like her lips were struggling to let her speak through all of those fillers, she has the sex appeal of an off-brand Megan Fox. It’s a lot of chaotic energy to bring into the mix.
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Then there’s the fact that a hero always needs a wise old spirit guide to help them navigate their journey. Where would Buffy be without her watcher? Where would Frodo be without his Gandolf? Kim without her momager? I have makeup brushes older than Tayshia’s engagement. What seasoned advice could she possibly give to Katie? At one point in the evening, Katie says her relationship with the hosts feels more like a sisterhood, but I’m not sure that works here. As a person with a biological sister and who spent her entire undergraduate career knee-deep in sorority
chants politics, a “sisterhood” only ever encouraged me to hook up with a guy who publicly went by Ugly Paul. But, you know, I’m sure it will all work out for you, Katie!
The Cringe: ABC’s Take On Sex Positivity
If there’s one thing I hate about Katie being the new Bachelorette, it’s that ABC will not stop referring to her as “sex positive.” Sex positive makes it sound like she’s blazing some sort of trail, holding seminars on the clitoris, and doing Instagram ads for the Kama Sutra. Is she normalizing talking about sex on national television? I guess. But she’s not the Wife of Bath, for Christ’s sake! She’s a twentysomething who owns a vibrator. Welcome to 2021. Maybe she shattered every man in America’s ego by insinuating that sex toys facilitate orgasms, not the dude asking “you good?” after ramming a finger into your cervix for five minutes of “foreplay,” but the women back home are not surprised!
As if to highlight Katie’s sex queen status, they’ve dressed her in whore red for her Bachelorette debut. Subtle, ABC. Very subtle. Then there were the limo entrances. Dear god, those limo entrances. I would say the moment it all went downhill was when a grown-ass man decided to bring a blowup doll to the Bachelor mansion. A BLOWUP DOLL. IS NOTHING SACRED ON THIS SHOW ANYMORE?? I think he was trying to do what Katie did with the dildo, as if a tool for female pleasure is similar to a man sticking his penis into a faceless woman made of plastic. Do go on though, pal.
And the night only goes downhill from there. The remaining men test out every sexual pun they learned in middle school because apparently that’s the only mature way to respond to female pleasure.
MAN WHO THINKS BECAUSE A WOMAN IS A LITTLE WET SHE SQUIRTED: I can’t wait to stroke it out with you… with my paintbrush!! Because I’m an artist but you masturbate, get it?!
KATIE: Lol, yeah I love the sexual puns!
Honestly, Katie, I would quit while you’re ahead.
The Things That Will Haunt My Dreams: The Catastrophe
There are some things on this franchise that you can’t unsee. The string of saliva the cameras zoomed in on after Carly and Evan’s first kiss. Kendall Long introducing Arie to her taxidermy collection. Chad waking up on a Mexican beach with a suspicious brown smudge on his shorts. But the thing that will haunt me until my last dying breath, and perhaps even beyond the grave itself, is Connor B licking his paws on national television and then smearing his cat makeup all over Katie’s face. Connor B, a Nashville-based teacher and person who never should have been let out of the cave he grew up in, walked out of the limo in a full-blown cat suit, complete with drawn-on whiskers and an underlying cry for help. Though he looked like a walking, talking fetish, Katie seemed to be into it—proving there is a lid for every pot, even if that pot is probably on a no fly list somewhere.
And that’s all she wrote, friends! Katie called it quits with Austin, Brandon, Gabriel, the man who sells skins out of his van, Landon, Marcus, and Marty. Here’s hoping the man who coughed up a fur ball is next!
Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (2); ABC (1); @tvgoldtweets / Instagram (1); @bachelorettewindmill /Instagram (1)
One of my favorite things about The Bachelor has nothing to do with the show itself, but rather, the aftermath. Year after year, I love seeing how these glorified randos scramble to stretch their 15 minutes of fame into some kind of legitimate career. While many stick to the tried-and-true route of shilling for brands and hoping that they get invited to Bachelor in Paradise, some have gotten a bit more creative and business-savvy. Case in point: Kaitlyn Bristowe, who is still a household name in Bachelor Nation despite her season of The Bachelorette being a full five years ago.
In the years since her time on TV, Kaitlyn has stayed busy with projects ranging from a line of scrunchies to a Broadway show, and this week, she added another profession to her resume: singer-songwriter. On Thursday, she released her debut single, “If I’m Being Honest,” and of course we need to talk about it.
Before I even say anything else, I actually like the song. It’s a catchy country-pop record, and it solidly gets the job done. On Instagram, Kaitlyn said that the song has been “collecting dust for over a year,” and due to her fear and insecurity, she didn’t know if she would ever release it. But, like the rest of us in 2020, Kaitlyn said f*ck it, and here we are.
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If I’m being honest, I didn’t think I would ever release this song. I was too afraid, insecure, and kept doing the classic “what if”. I don’t know who needs to hear this but f*ck the what if’s. This uncertain time has shed light on how important time is. So while this song has been collecting dust for over a year, I’ve finally decided to share it with you. Singing has always been something that makes my heart happy. So if I’m being honest, Im still feeling insecure, yet PROUD to share this with you now. I even think we can all relate to the lyrics right now. It’s available wherever you get your music or my bio. Love you guys. Thank you. #IfImBeingHonest Also huge shout out to @jennifer_denmark @savannahkeyesmusic for helping me write this, and @itsmikemiller for producing it.
The lyrics talk about being your own toughest critic, and tuning out what others have to say about you. The first line in the song is “Maybe I drink a little more wine than I should,” so at this point I’m considering making this my official quarantine anthem. Glad to know that Kaitlyn and I have at least one thing in common. She then says that she’s “good at making things look all good,” which I can definitely relate to, since I have committed to the same head tilt in every single selfie for years. What, it’s important to know your angles!
For someone who’s never done music before, Kaitlyn seems really vulnerable in the song, saying “If I’m being honest, I’m not always as tough as I seem.” Later in the song, she sings, “Just ’cause I’m an open book, don’t mean you get the whole story.” I will say, after watching her on TV and in the world for several years, she literally always seems put-together. Aside from the breakup with Shawn, things have consistently seemed great in her life. And now, she and Jason have the perfect relationship and the perfect dogs, and her hair is perfect, and it’s not like I’m jealous, but I might be a little jealous, okay? But obviously, no one is that perfect, and it’s nice to hear her admit it.
So, where do we go from here? Is Kaitlyn trying to go full Taylor Swift, or is this just a one-off thing that she did for fun a year ago? It’s probably somewhere in the middle. I don’t think she’ll be planning an arena tour any time soon, but I wouldn’t be mad about her putting out some new music every once in a while. “If I’m Being Honest” is currently at #3 on the iTunes “Top Songs” chart, so clearly a lot of people like the song, so maybe there will be more music to come. When I first found out Kaitlyn had a song, I expected that this article would be a complete roast, but I really don’t have anything mean to say. Is quarantine making me soft?
Images: Walter McBride / Contributor / Getty Images; kaitlynbristowe / Instagram
Regardless of whether you hate them or love them, it’s undeniable that the women of The Bachelor know a thing or two about beauty. Whether it’s how to maintain your makeup on the beaches of paradise or getting that perfect no-makeup makeup look while chilling in the mansion, these girls clearly know which products you should be
blowing your entire paycheck on buying. So, given their authority on the matter, here are each of their must-have beauty products they can’t live without, and so we shouldn’t be either.
1. Cassie Randolph
Laneige Lip Sleeping Mask, $20
If you haven’t heard about this lip mask by now, then I’m sorry but you don’t have any friends… or just definitely don’t follow Cassie Randolph on Instagram. Because, if you did, you would know how much she loves this product. This lip sleeping mask is Cassie’s holy grail for keeping her lips hydrated and, since she is in fact the face of effortless California beauty, I’m taking her word for it.
2. Lauren Bushnell
OUAI Dry Texture Foam, $28
Bushnell Lane is living the DREAM post-Bachelor life. She’s a Revolve influencer who also just married a country music star—what more could any ex-contestant want? Also, did anyone else see her proposal video from Chris Lane? I legit cried and like, I don’t even know these people. Anyway, Lauren’s hair always looks amazing and she credits this dry texture foam via IG for helping her create her signature look. So yes, I’ll be adding this to my cart as well.
3. Amanda Stanton
Kate Somerville EradiKate Acne Treatment, $26
First off, I didn’t even know Amanda Stanton ever got pimples…it just doesn’t seem possible, she’s too perfect. But apparently she does, and she shared with us via Insta stories that this Kate Somerville acne treatment is her saving grace. And it clearly works considering I’ve never seen Amanda with any sort of blemish, EVER.
4. JoJo Fletcher
Dr. Dennis Gross Alpha Beta Extra Strength Daily Peel, $88
If you can’t afford to get facials and laser treatments every week like all of these ex-Bachelor contestants can, then this product, which is one of JoJo’s faves, is the next best thing. Of course, JoJo actually does get all of those expensive treatments anyway but, according to her Instagram “beauty” highlights, she’s a fan of these peels as well. And, I can personally vouch for the fact that these peel pads are incredible and worth the steep price.
5. Becca Tilley
Foreo Luna 3, $199
Becca Tilley, the famous virgin before it was a singular Bachelor personality trait (looking at you Colton Underwood) is one of the most beautiful women to ever grace this show. On her Instagram, she attributes her great skin to this device which exfoliates the skin (and also happens to look super cute on your bathroom vanity). Which, sadly, is indeed a trait I look for in my beauty products.
6. Ashley Iaconetti
iS Clinical Active Serum, $138
Ashely I. is obsessed with everything beauty. So when it comes to skincare, we can trust that she knows which products actually work. This serum is by iS Clinical, which is a brand favorite amongst influencers and celebrities beyond #BachelorNation. So, no offense to Ashley I., but there are some actual A-listers vouching for it as well. It’s expensive, which is why I’ve never personally tried it yet. However, if you’re like, rich or something and have tried it then please, let us peasants know how it is.
7. Kaitlyn Bristowe
Tan Luxe The Face Illuminating Self-Tan Drops, $49
Another Bachelor fave product that I also happen to use and love is the Tan Luxe Face Self-Tan drops. Kaitlyn shared with E! that she uses this oil so she can get away with wearing less makeup. Which like, same sis, I use this product in place of having to wear foundation. It’s amazing for blurring imperfections and creating the appearance of an even skin tone, making it a great substitute for your daily face beat.
8. Hannah Brown
Kevyn Aucoin Gossamer Loose Powder, $72
Don’t worry guys, I’m not about to give you Hannah Brown’s mascara recommendation here. Hopefully, by now someone has introduced her to a good waterproof one. But anyways, I’m here to let you in on her makeup artist’s secret for keeping Hannah’s makeup in place during those long hours as The Bachelorette. Hannah’s makeup artist, Gina Modica, credits this loose powder to keeping Hannah’s makeup flawless all night long.
9. Hannah Godwin
Tarte Shape Tape Concealer, $27
Hannah Godwin is a fan of this cult-favorite concealer product as her go-to for covering her dark circles. Everyone who has tried this product also raves about it so like, even if you don’t trust Hannah’s judgment (because I mean she did have that little lapse in judgment with Blake), you can at least just trust the rest of the internet.
10. Demi Burnett
Biosilk Silk Therapy, $49.50
Besides being known for being unapologetically herself, when you think of Demi you can’t help but picture her long, gorgeous locks. No matter what, even amidst the heat and humidity of Paradise, her hair always looked fresh and bouncy. Considering my hair is the complete opposite, I’ll definitely be trying her go-to product, this Biosilk treatment, and basically just pray for a miracle.
11. Tayshia Adams
Kiehl’s Eye Fuel, $24
This eye cream from Kiehl’s is actually a men’s product, but if Tayshia swears by it, then IDC because gender is a social construct anyway. Kiehl’s is a trusted brand on its own and, apparently, this eye cream kept Tayshia looking her best, even after a night of long-ass rose ceremonies. This eye cream contains caffeine and Vitamin B3 to reduce puffiness and dark circles, which I imagine is something every contestant could actually use on this show.
12. Caelynn Miller-Keyes
Boscia White Charcoal Mattifying Makeup Setting Spray, $38
Any Bachelor In Paradise alum who still looks stunning a few weeks into the season, even as their eyelash extensions get mangled and their spray tans fade, can be trusted with their recommendation for a makeup setting spray. Of course, it helps that all these girls are all so stunning to start with, but being able to maintain a full face of makeup without ANY air conditioning anywhere is a true feat. And for that reason, I’ll be purchasing Caelynn’s go-to setting spray. Plus, it must be good if it’s getting her through the van life with Deaniebabies.
I mean, I don’t know which of these aspiring influencers I can trust is actually “here for the right reasons” but pretty sure I can trust almost all of them on which beauty products are worth it. And, at the end of the day, is anyone ever truly there for the “right reasons” anyway? Groundbreaking but like, something to think about.
Images: Charley Gallay/Getty Images for PUMA; Sephora (6); Dermstore; Revolve; Ulta (3); Kiehl’s
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The post-Bachelor/Bachelorette life consists of three options: Instagram sponsorships, starting a podcast, or returning to your previous job. Some former contestants even do a combination of all three. But this hustle isn’t sustainable, because the second the next season premieres, all the current hotshots quickly become has-beens. Fortunately, some of these past contestants were smarter than the average
aspiring Insta-influencer contestant, and were aware of their own impending irrelevance. So, instead of falling victim to the looming doom of their insignificance, they used the spotlight and attention to make actual businesses for themselves. F*cking smart, and much more respectable than hawking subscription boxes for the rest of their lives (although, realistically, all of the Bachelor entrepreneurs on this list have probs done that too). Those who started their own businesses have tapped into America’s perception of them, and have utilized it to create their own product lines that fit their perceived “brand.” Here are some of the post-Bachelor hustles we respect, and may have even already ordered for ourselves.
1. Kaitlyn Bristowe’s Scrunchie Line, Dew
Dew Edit The Wristbands – VIP ($28)
Kaitlyn Bristowe was one of the coolest Bachelorettes we’ve ever had. She was chill, down-to-earth, and not a thirst-monster. Claps to you, Kaitlyn! Not to mention, she also had the best group of guys I’ve ever seen on the show. (Umm has anyone looked at Hannah B.’s guys? Yikes.) Unfortunately, her three-year relationship with Shawn didn’t end up working out, but she’s still as relevant as ever. She was smart enough to build a business that could last, even when her relationship couldn’t, so she started a scrunchie line. What I like about this business move is that it’s on-brand and authentic. Kaitlyn was always wearing scrunchies, and now that they’re a trendy fashion item, it only makes sense that she would create her own line. The scrunchies are super cute, but 4 out of 5 of the sets on the site are currently sold out. Genius marketing at its finest. Because now, as if I didn’t already want the black velvet star scrunchies, I REALLY want them. Touché Kaitlyn, touché.
2. Ben Higgins’ Coffee Line, Generous
Generous Movement Guatemalan Coffee ($15.99)
One of the most eligible bachelors from Kaitlyn’s season, Ben Higgins, also started his own business: a coffee line. Seem like an odd choice? Not at all. The brand is called Generous Coffee, and is totally fitting for America’s favorite bracelet-wearing Bachelor. Things didn’t work out between him and Kaitlyn, nor between him and Lauren, but it seems that everyone involved is doing more than okay. I mean, Lauren is a Revolve influencer, so she’s clearly doing well, and Ben has this coffee line that he’s sups passionate about, plus a v cute new gf! Generous Movement is very in line with the values of our millennial generation, selling coffee ethically sourced from Guatemala and Honduras. Then, as the icing on the cake, they donate the proceeds to help “make the world better.” This is like, the Tom’s Shoes of coffee, and so on-brand for sweetheart Ben Higgins. Unlike telling two girls you love them, this was a smart decision, Ben.
3. JoJo Fletcher’s Clothing Line, Fletch
Fletch Olive Buckle Dress ($128)
Speaking of girls that Ben confessed his love to, JoJo Fletcher is the most stylish Bachelorette we’ve ever had, so I give her full permission to create her own clothing line. I mean, not that she needed it, but as your millennial pop-culture-relevant fashion consultant, I give it my stamp of approval. The clothes are stylish, flirty, and feminine, all of which describe JoJo herself. She may not have ended up becoming besties with Olivia Munn, but based on her YouTube channel, her life looks pretty f*cking good, so I don’t think she’s too mad.
4. Nick Viall’s Essential Oils, Natural Habits
Natural Habits Daily Habits Bundle ($88)
Essential oils are v trendy right now, and Nick Viall is capitalizing on that—and before you ask, no, this is not some multi-level marketing scheme. The branding of the oils is sophisticated, clean, and modern, which separates it from other essential oils on the market. Like, you’d actually want to gift these ones to your boyfriend, because you wouldn’t have to worry about him thinking you’re some holistic whack-job. Not to mention, they’re USDA-certified organic, which is a certification the two biggest essential oil companies right now can’t even claim. Natural Habits currently sells four different oil blends in a bundle set, all of which have different purposes, including things like relaxation, energy, and immunity. Nick may not have found love on the show, but hey, he’s probs got an oil for healing heartbreak now. Proud of you, Nick!
5. Shawn Booth’s Fitness Studio, Boothcamp
Boothcamp (prices vary)
Known for his incredible body on Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelor, it’s fitting that Shawn Booth created a workout studio called Boothcamp. Just like Kaitlyn, he built himself something sustainable, since being the winner of The Bachelorette doesn’t guarantee a lifetime of Instagram sponsorships—especially if you break up. Tbh, I’m still hoping they find a way to make it work, but considering Kaitlyn seems like she’s more than okay with her scrunchies and smooth-talking, Dracula-adjacent boyfriend, Jason, I don’t know about the likelihood of that.
Anyone else find it interesting that all of these successful Bachelor and Bachelorette people are interrelated? Like, Nick, Ben, and Shawn were all on Kaitlyn’s season, and JoJo was on Ben’s season. Was there something different in the water of the Bachelor mansion? Or was Instagram just not that big back then? I guess business-savvy entrepreneurial skills run in the blood of this Bachelor fam! Who knew?!
Images: Dew Edit; Generous Movement; Shop Fletch; Natural Habits; Boothcamp
We’re pretty used to Bachelor couples breaking up, but the last few Bachelorettes had done a good job of picking their guys and making the relationship work IRL. Or so it seemed. One of the longest lasting Bachelorette couples was Kaitlyn Bristowe and Shawn Booth, who got together in her summer 2015 season but have recently called it quits. V sad since they were a fitness match made in spin instructor and personal trainer heaven.
Kaitlyn and Shawn haven’t given us any clue as to why they broke up beyond the “we have mutually decided to call it quits, we still love and support each other” crock of sh*t all celebrity couples give when announcing their split, but some
conspiracy theorists fans point to Shawn being responsible. The main reason according to this theory is that Kaitlyn made it known that she wanted to get married (hello, she signed up to be the Bachelorette), Shawn proposed at the end of the season, and still, three years after that proposal there was no wedding in sight. And now, a podcast interview Kaitlyn did that has recently resurfaced seems to back up this theory—or at least confirm that Shawn kind of sucks.
In an episode of Kaitlyn’s Off the Vine podcast, Kaitlyn revealed that Shawn had missed their anniversary last year. His defense? He said it was a little hard to know when their anniversary was because she’d been dating a few guys on the show when they made their relationship official. Like, maybe that excuse would fly on their first anniversary when they hadn’t talked about it, but last year would have been their third. He can’t really claim he didn’t know the date at that point. Also, this is extra insulting considering Shawn could easily have Googled it because we all watched their engagement happen on national television.
Adding to the theory that Shawn sucks is the fact that he forgot how old Kaitlyn is. On her 31st birthday, Shawn got big gold “32” balloons, because he thought Kaitlyn was turning 32. F*cking ouch. Not only do you not know your fiancée’s birth date, but you also aged her? Thank u, next.
Considering Kaitlyn literally had guys lining up on national television to date her, I have no doubt that she will find a nice attentive guy who actually remembers significant life events. It’s the least she deserves.
It’s 2018, and there’s basically no product left that hasn’t been endorsed or branded by a Bachelor alum. Because no one that goes on these shows ever has a real job, they have to get creative to make the mortgage payments on their Nashville McMansions. Today’s example: Kaitlyn Bristowe’s new line of scrunchies. The scrunchie brand is called “dew,” which sounds like a fun lifestyle brand while also allowing for like, seven million puns about “hair-dews” and “just dew-ing it.” Can’t wait for Becca to make a sponsored post about dew-ing the damn thing. You can’t see me, but I’m rolling my eyes very hard right now.
There are nine different scrunchies currently for sale, and all of them are literally just plain colors. The color names are kind of the worst, including “Hues of Dew” (pink), “Rock That Dew” (blue), and “So Vanilla.” What better way to make your product sound boring AF than literally naming it “so vanilla?” There are no fun prints or anything, just nine solid colors, and many of the color names have nothing to
dew do with their corresponding shade. Whatever. There’s nothing wrong with basics, but some fans have taken issue with the price tag—$17 per scrunchie. Speaking as someone who spends my money on the absolute dumbest shit, $17 for a scrunchie seems a little steep. Even a Lululemon scrunchie is only $8, so Kaitlyn’s better be made out of fucking magic hair-volumizing thread or some shit.
In response to some criticism on Twitter about the scrunchie prices (lol that this is a real thing we’re talking about), Kaitlyn had some thoughts. She tweeted that the people complaining should send her their budgets, and she could easily find $17 to spend on a scrunchie. People didn’t love that, and honestly it was a weird way to respond. In general, I like Kaitlyn, and I don’t have any problem with her doing her thing, but she also probably didn’t deal with this in the best way. Clearly no one needs a $17 scrunchie to survive, so she should probably calm down a little bit. She also said the budget thing was a joke, but it still feels a little misguided as an approach to try to sell people your products.
This is the LAZIEST and most entitled sales approach. People don’t need you to examine their budgets or critique how they spend THEIR money. You’re looking for them to spend their money, therefore YOU should demonstrate WHY they should buy your product.
— Gator (@AleksandraCo) June 21, 2018
But people who don’t want the scrunchies should also just take a few deep, calming breaths. Like, there are lots of things in this world that I can’t afford, and you don’t see me tweeting at Gucci about their prices. Shit costs money, it’s called capitalism. I’m not really mad at Kaitlyn Bristowe for price gouging on some basic-ass scrunchies, because I would probably do the same thing. She also got plenty of positive messages about the scrunchies, and is currently trying to make #ScrunchieGang a thing, so I think she’ll be just fine.
In addition to her burgeoning scrunchie empire, Kaitlyn has lots going on right now. People love her podcast, which I have no desire to listen to but people are allowed to make their own personal choices, and she’s also still planning her wedding with Shawn. Yes, they’ve been engaged for three years, and no, they don’t have a date yet. Usually I’d say something shady about that, but it’s probably smart considering that they got engaged after literally six weeks of dating. Sounds like she’s dew-ing great, so props to her. Can’t wait for future updates about her scrunchies, they’re sure to be bestsellers.
Images: @dewedit / Instagram; @AleksandraCo / Twitter
Regardless of what you think of the women on The Bachelor, as dumb as some of them are, and as ridiculous as their careers are (still wish I got to be a professional Dog Mom though), one thing we can agree on is that they always look amazing. It’s like a casting call for wannabe models with perfect bodies and eyelashes and hair to all compete against each other. And you know what? The ones I met recently look even better in person. They are all literally fucking tiny—Kristina, for instance, was the skinniest person I’ve ever seen in my life. It made me wonder: what the fuck do all the Bachelor contestants do to look like this?
So, we found out. Here is how to look like a Bachelor contestant while you also have a real job and aren’t selling your soul for love on a TV show.
All the women keep different diets, but it doesn’t seem like any of them just eat whatever they want and expect to look ripped. This might be why my method hasn’t been working for me, guys. Ashley I., for example, eats what she wants but stays under 1,400 calories a day. She also doesn’t work out (fucking bullshit). She says that most women are just not meant to eat the 2,000 calories a day that all of our nutrition labels claim is average and eating 1,400 calories keeps her on point. I mean, she has abs and doesn’t work out, so she must be doing something right.
Some ladies take it further, like Jennifer Saviano, and when preparing for the show, she cuts out carbs, sugar, and alcohol. Tbh, whenever I hear shit like this, I think I’d rather be fat. Like, I’m sorry, wine makes me happier than having abs ever will. Catherine Lowe eats mostly high-protein, like egg-white omelets or scrambled eggs for breakfast. Exciting.
Emily Maynard thinks cheese is the devil and eats a lot of salads. Olivia Caridi filled her giant mouth hole with whatever she wanted before The Bachelor, but only if it fit her macros on MyFitnessPal. Checking your macros is like the world’s worst puzzle, especially when you make them weird as fuck, like Olivia’s. She set hers to 40 percent protein, 40 percent carbs, and 20 percent fat each day, which I don’t really understand why, but she looked great on her season, so good job. Now please close your mouth, especially on TV.
People who actually have proper discipline, like D-Lo, don’t really change their diet much for the show, because they eat clean on the reg. D-Lo doesn’t eat grain-based carbs, refined sugar, or dairy. Also not down for this.
Spoilers: it’s all a lot of cardio and squats. And sweating. I hate sweating.
Kaitlyn Bristowe prepared for The Bachelor by taking spin classes every day. Now she’s fucking a personal trainer and is in the “best shape of her life”, so guys, just follow in her footsteps because trainers are expensive. Other than that, it seems like most the contestants hire trainers before the show, and work out with them 4-5 days a week. Alexis Waters, aka the shark girl who thought she was a dolphin, did kickboxing and squats and the Stairmaster, all with a trainer. They also take a fuckton of classes. D-Lo does Barry’s Bootcamp, SoulCycle, and Bikram yoga; Jen Saviano does HIIT; Becca Tilley does SoulCycle, etc, etc, etc. Basically, move your ass and do it a lot.
If you also want to get in the “best shape of your life”, either start sleeping with a trainer, or you can hire one to force you to workout 4-5 days a week. Their prices range from $30/hr (frat guy trainer that took one class online from 24 Hr Fitness) to $300/hr, if you’re like a Kardashian and want a celebrity trainer. These numbers are typically based on their experience, so get one that actually knows what they are doing.
So basically, the takeaway here is that the girls who go on The Bachelor spend a ton of time, effort, and probs money to be the same size as one of my thighs. Maybe like, we shouldn’t shit on them constantly for selling hair gummies for a living, since obviously the average person (me) would not be able to be skinny or beautiful enough to do it?
Images: Giphy (2)