The Shady Reason Justin Bieber & Selena Gomez Aren’t Spending Christmas Together

Since Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez got back together this fall, there have been very few details and lots of speculation about the particulars of their relationship 2.0. Well, it sounds like Selena’s family has similar questions, because Justin is reportedly not invited to the Gomez family Christmas. I’d say it’s trouble in paradise, but LOL, their relationship has not been paradise.

Apparently, Selena’s family still isn’t sold on the idea of her being back with Justin, and can you blame them? They had a very public relationship and breakup the first time around, and most moms think Justin is, like, the dumbest person on the planet. That might be a little harsh, but just ask your mom about Justin Bieber, and she will likely scoff before saying something about how he seems immature.

Justin’s family, on the other hand, is reportedly thrilled about Selena being back in the picture, because they really just want Justin to end up with a nice girl. Okay, can we stop this narrative about Selena being a “nice girl”? In the real world, calling someone “nice” is just code for a boring person you know absolutely nothing about, but they’ve never done anything to hurt you. It’s not a fucking personality trait. But yeah, okay, in this context it seems kinda fitting.

So for now, Justin and Selena will have to keep their relationship out of Texas and the presence of Selena’s family. Sounds rough, but honestly, going home for the holidays can be pretty fucking rough too. Justin can just stay in LA and smoke weed with his male lover pastor during Christmas, and then he and Selena can have plenty of fun when she gets back. Sound good, kiddos?

Justin Bieber Randomly Cancelled His Tour And We Think We Know Why

Yesterday, 16-year-old girls everywhere got some upsetting news when Justin Bieber announced he’s canceling the rest of his world tour. The 14 canceled dates were in North America and Asia, which means he officially has two continents pissed off at him. This, coupled with the fact that he was literally just banned from Beijing for “bad behavior” means that this summer might even be worse for Justin than all the ones where he was feuding with Selena Gomez on Insta or running around Boston without shoes. Actually, come to think of it, has Justin Bieber ever had like, a good summer? Sad. According to Justin’s people (he has “people” not “friends”) the dates were axed due to “unforeseen circumstances,” so naturally it’s up to us to brainstorm why Justin did it. Given our extensive research into fuckboys and fuckboy culture, and given that Justin is obviously the king of all fuckboys, we think we’re more than qualified to make shit up make an educated guess as to why the Biebs isn’t continuing his tour. Here’s what we think: 

1. He’s Tired

Justin’s ‘Purpose’ World Tour has lasted 150 dates and has been going strong since March of last year. Like, his tour is way longer than most of our meaningful relationships. He’s been to every continent, and he’s probably just fucking tired. We get tired walking from our bed to the fridge, so we can very much relate. Just take a nice long nap, Justin.

2. He Got Cyberbullied

Justin is a sensitive guy, and maybe he got his feelings hurt by something someone said about him online. Like, how is he supposed to do a show in Denver if someone said Colorado hates him on Twitter? Singapore is probably a really tough crowd, so we totally understand.

3. Food Poisoning

Food poisoning is one of the best excuses to get out of basically anything. Even if you’re totally fine, just tell everyone you ate some bad sushi, and you’ll easily get out of your commitments for the next 2-3 months. Japan will understand, they literally eat nothing but sushi.

4. He’s Learning Spanish

Justin was probably embarrassed about not knowing the words to his gigantic summer jam “Despacito”, so he must be learning Spanish before he goes back out on the road. He has to sing like two dozen whole words, so maybe he just doesn’t feel confident in his abilities yet. No hay problema, amigo!

5. Some Girl

We don’t know who Justin is dating sleeping with right now, but no doubt she’s some gorgeous Instagram model with no hint of a personality. Either way, she might have Justin hypnotized into never wanting to leave her. Seriously, Hailey Baldwin isn’t that hot.

6. He’s Dead

Justin posted a message about the cancellation on his social media, but there’s technically no proof it’s him. Maybe he died in a freak jet-ski accident and Scooter Braun is just trying to keep it a secret as long as possible? Just give them long enough to create a realistic hologram, then he’ll be back on tour in no time.

7. Bad Horoscope

Justin seems like the kind of guy who might be really into astrology, so maybe he just didn’t like what’s in the stars for him this month. It’s not like there are millions of dollars on the line here, so it’s a totally acceptable reason. I mean, when Mercury is in retrograde we basically don’t leave our house, so we feel.

8. Mafia Kidnapping

Maybe Justin can’t perform because he’s been kidnapped by the Russian mafia? If we get a Russian remix of “Despacito” within the next month, we’ll know he’s really in trouble.

Um so yeah we basically have no fucking clue. Sorry The Philippines, maybe next time! Justin, get your shit together, the people of Asia need you.