Justin Bieber’s New Song ‘Yummy’ Makes Me Want To Puke

Today, the four-year drought of new Justin Bieber music finally came to an end, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a happy bitch. I’ve openly lamented the lack of new music from both Justin and Selena Gomez in the last few years, and in 2020, we’re finally eating good. After a couple of shady AF singles, Selena’s album comes out next Friday, but today, we need to discuss Justin Bieber’s new song, “Yummy.” It’s a little weird and more than a little cringey, but for now, I will take what I can get.

While we were all busy avoiding our families over the holidays, Justin dropped the major announcement that in 2020, he’ll be putting out both an album and a YouTube documentary series, and going on tour. After spending a couple years barely in the spotlight, it’s going to be a huge year for Justin, and it all starts today, with the release of “Yummy.” Justin obviously knows this is an important moment, and he’s been hyping it up on Instagram like a club promoter who’s going to lose his job if ladies night isn’t packed this week. Seriously, what the f*ck is this feed?

If this Instagram behavior continues, Justin is going to be muted so hard. But I guess the tactic worked, because here we are talking about “Yummy.” First, I just have to say how much I hate the word yummy. It’s right up there with “moist” and “panties” on the list of words that make my skin crawl. I’ve already typed it four times in this article, and I’m ready to jump in the shower. But I’m out here doing the lord’s work for the people.

The song wasn’t technically announced until last week, but it turns out Justin was actually dropping hints about it back in October. He posted this doodle of the Y-word, with a caption that turned out to be a lyric from the song (we’ll get to the lyrics in a minute, because yikes). This was also around the time that Justin posted that if one of his photos got 20 million likes, he would release an album before Christmas. Despite many of his famous friends sharing the post, it stalled out around 11 million, which is just so beautifully embarrassing. The post was ultimately deleted to destroy the evidence, and obviously there was no album before Christmas. I love mess.

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Bonafide stallion, ain’t in no Stable no you stay on the run.

A post shared by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on

So yeah, let’s talk about the song. It’s predictably catchy, with velvety synths and a smooth-trap vibe that’s essentially what I expected. It might not be a forever-banger like “Sorry,” but that’s clearly not what Justin was going for here. That was Party Justin, but this is Baby-making Justin. Basically, the whole song is just him being horny for Hailey, and truly nobody asked for this.

Look, I believe that Justin and Hailey love each other, but I’m not confident that their sex life is actually very exciting. The whole “yummy-yummy yummy yum” chorus bit sounds like someone who wants to try dirty talk for the first time, but has absolutely no clue what to say. In my personal life, this is usually when I would just tell a man to be quiet, but unfortunately for all of us, the song does not end there.

Here’s the first verse, which is somehow only three lines long, but will haunt me for a lifetime: “Bonafide stallion, It ain’t no stable, no, you stay on the run. Ain’t on the side, you’re number one.” Let me be the first to say that I never, ever needed to hear Justin Bieber refer to himself as a “bonafide stallion.” Like, f*cking ew, Justin. But wait, is he referring to himself? It’s super unclear, because the other two lines are clearly talking about Hailey. I should point out that technically a stallion can only be a male horse, but I don’t feel confident that Justin knows that. So Justin might be the stallion, but the structure of the lyrics kinda makes it seem like she is, which also doesn’t really work. Clearly, I’m putting way more thought into this than Justin did, so let’s move on. The other two lines are a reference to how he’s monogamous with Hailey, and he doesn’t have any other women in his ~stable~, and can we just stop with the horse metaphors? Hailey already has powerful horse girl energy, and this isn’t helping.

Moving on from the horse stuff, we get to the pre-chorus, which contains easily the most upsetting line of the song. After talking about spending a ton of money and saying the words “get litty” because he’s a 16-year-old boy, he subjects us to this: “Rollin’ eyes back in my head, make my toes curl, yeah, yeah.” F*CKING EW, JUSTIN. I take back everything I said about the horse metaphors, please, can we do more of those instead?

I’m no prude, but there is truly nothing in this world that I want to picture less than the dumb face that Justin makes while he’s having vanilla-ass sex with his wife. And don’t @ me, because you KNOW the sex is vanilla. No judgment, but they are not getting into anything kinky when the Lord is watching. Glad missionary position can make your toes curl, Justin! From there, the lyrics are pretty boring. Justin name drops his Lambo and his clothing line, Drew, and says “elated that you are my lady,” which feels deeply unromantic, but whatever works for them, I guess.

Overall, “Yummy” feels like kind of a weak comeback effort. Sure, it’s catchy, but how catchy is it really when I can’t even sing the chorus out loud without wanting to peel off my skin? What makes it worse is that we know Justin can do so much better. I will say, this is the perfect song to put on a Spotify playlist to have on in the background, because it really falls apart the second you try to listen to the lyrics. I’m still excited to see what else Justin comes out with this year, but I can’t deny that I was hoping for more from the first song. Oh well, at least we know Justin and Hailey are getting it in.

Images: justinbieber / Instagram (2); Giphy

All The Clues Justin Bieber Is About To Release New Music

Last week, we spent a lot of time talking about Selena Gomez. After a lengthy break from music, she released two new songs, and there was a lot to talk about. Both of the singles are definitely about Justin Bieber, and Hailey and Selena made some shady social media posts that definitely seemed like they were directed at each other. But now that the dust has settled around Selena’s big comeback, it’s Justin Bieber’s turn to cough up some new music. He’s definitely been working on something recently, and this week, he’s started posting clues on his Instagram.

Last night, I opened up Instagram, prepared to scroll through about 100 Halloween costumes and probably a few pumpkin patch pictures. While there were plenty of Halloween costumes on my feed, I stopped scrolling when I saw this post from Justin Bieber, which I didn’t even think was real at first.

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Share it, like it, post in your story, I gotta see the demand 😉 love you guys pumped for it! I’m almost done but your support will make me move faster

A post shared by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on

So after I realized that this is, in fact, a real post from Justin Bieber’s real account, I was still just as confused. Is…is Justin Bieber bribing us? Is this some elaborate scheme to tease us about his new album? Why the f*ck did he post this atrocious Insta story screenshot with a fuchsia background? Is he this desperate for likes? Does he realize that social media likes shouldn’t be the basis for your self-esteem? Is Justin okay??

Obviously, I had many questions, and I still do. But his caption at least helped clear it up a little bit. Justin says that he’s “almost Donne, but your support will make men one faster.” So he’s not like, holding a finished album hostage until we like the photo, but he’s basically saying that he needs Instagram likes as motivation to get sh*t done. Should I try this? Hey @ my boss, I’m not gonna finish this article until my latest Instagram post gets 50,000 likes.

Wait for it…

Okay, I’m back. Sadly I did not get 50,000 likes, but I was informed that this isn’t how an actual job works. Seems unfair, but I have to pay rent this week, so here we are. Justin’s plea for likes might feel kind of desperate and thirsty, but he’s also posted some other stuff that seems to be more subtly alluding to new music.

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…………….🎥👀🎶

A post shared by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on

Also on Sunday night, Justin posted another ugly-ass Insta story screenshot that just says “R&BIEBER.” This is most likely a hint about the direction that his new music will take, and at this point, I’m ready for anything that he decides to throw our way. While I love his pop and EDM stuff (“Sorry” still slaps), his more chilled out music is also great. His Journals project from 2013 is pretty much completely R&B, and I personally think it’s his most underrated music. If we’re entering a new ~R&BIEBER~ era, I’m all for it.

While these two posts are pretty explicitly about new music, the next two are much more cryptic. In the past few days, Justin has posted two different photos of doodles of the word “yummy” in big bubble letters, and people have started speculating that this also has something to do with whatever he’s about to release.

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Any night any day, say the word on my way.

A post shared by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on

While the actual photos really aren’t anything special, Justin Bieber clearly has “yummy” on the brain these days. It has to mean something!! Also, both of these posts have captions that definitely sound like they could be song lyrics. I can’t wait to hear Justin sing the words “Bonafide stallion,” because I’m going crazy imagining what these songs will sound like.

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Bonafide stallion, ain’t in no Stable no you stay on the run.

A post shared by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on

Of course, there’s also a chance that Justin could just be doodling about nothing, and the captions are just random words in his brain. I remember in third grade how I would get one random word in my mind and just draw it like 500 times, and sometimes I think Justin Bieber has the brain of a third grader. Sorry, that was mean.

Whether “yummy” means anything or not, it finally seems like Justin Bieber is getting serious about releasing new music, which is great, because I can only listen to Purpose so many times. Just kidding, there is no limit to the amount of times I can listen to Purpose. That was stupid of me to even say. Regardless, I’m hoping that Christmas will come early in the form of a J-Biebs album, so everyone please go like that photo. Right now, Justin only has 7.2 million likes, so I’m starting to get nervous.

Images: Shutterstock; justinbieber (4) / Instagram

Where Are Justin And Selena’s New Albums? An Investigation

Even though Justin Bieber is now happily married to Hailey Baldwin, we’ll never really forget his relationship with Selena Gomez. They were young Hollywood’s most iconic couple for a long time, and deep down, I still feel like a piece of #Jelena will never die. My therapist tells me I need to work on letting go of things, but I feel like this doesn’t count.

After initially getting together in 2010, Justin and Selena were together until 2012 before breaking up the first time. Then, they went through a few years of total relationship whiplash, getting back together in 2013, 2014, and 2015. Despite getting back together for a few months at the end of 2017, 2015 was the last time they were together like, for real. While all of that is definitely confusing, 2015 is important, because it also happens to be the last time Selena or Justin released an album.

Coincidence? I think not.

2015 was an amazing year in both Justin and Selena’s career, with multiple hits from each of their albums. Justin Bieber topped the charts with “What Do You Mean?,” “Sorry,” and “Love Yourself,” and Selena Gomez moved to a new point of maturity in her music with songs like “Same Old Love” and “Hands To Myself.” Seriously, 2015 was a year of nonstop bops from both of them, and I miss it. It’s four years later, and we’re still waiting for followup projects from both Justin and Selena, so where are the albums? Let’s examine the facts.

After releasing Purpose, Justin Bieber went on a world tour for over a year, playing 162 shows on six continents. (Sorry Antarctica, no J-Biebs concert for you.) Then, in July 2017, Justin announced that he was canceling the remaining 14 dates of the tour, citing his depression and exhaustion as the reason, and saying that he wanted his “heart, mind, and soul to be sustainable.” Justin received a lot of criticism for the decision at the time, but we have no way of knowing what his mental state at the time was really like.

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A post shared by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on

After this announcement, it makes sense that Justin wasn’t immediately back in the studio grinding out a new album. But that was two years ago. In 2017, he was featured on a few songs from other artists (“Despacito,” “I’m The One”), but there was no word on new solo music. When “Despacito” was nominated for Grammys in 2018, Justin skipped the show, saying that he wouldn’t be making any award show appearances until his next album was finished.

Fast forward to March of this year, when Justin posted a lengthy message on his Instagram responding to questions about a new album. He brought up how he had been working and touring since he was a teenager, and said that he was “now very focused on repairing some of the deep rooted issues” that he struggles with personally. He also mentioned wanting to be a good father, which naturally raised a lot of questions about a potential pregnancy. It’s four months later, and Hailey still looks tiny af, so it looks like we’re not getting a baby or an album any time soon.

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So I read a lot of messages saying you want an album .. I’ve toured my whole teenage life, and early 20s, I realized and as you guys probably saw I was unhappy last tour and I don’t deserve that and you don’t deserve that, you pay money to come and have a lively energetic fun light concert and I was unable emotionally to give you that near the end of the tour. I have been looking, seeking, trial and error as most of us do, I am now very focused on repairing some of the deep rooted issues that I have as most of us have, so that I don’t fall apart, so that I can sustain my marriage and be the father I want to be. Music is very important to me but Nothing comes before my family and my health. I will come with a kick ass album ASAP, my swag is undeniable and my drive is indescribable his love is supernatural his grace is that reliable…. the top is where I reside period whether I make music or not the king said so. ? but I will come with a vengeance believe that.. (grammar and punctuation will be terrible pretend it’s a text where u just don’t care).

A post shared by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on

But then, just a month after posting this, Justin threw us all back into confusion when he made an appearance during Ariana Grande’s set at Coachella. After thanking the crowd and reminding them that he hadn’t been on stage in almost two years, he left off with a cryptic “album coming soon.” Justin, WHEN IS SOON? In the past few months, Justin has released high-profile collaborations with Ed Sheeran and Billie Eilish, but we’ve still yet to see a hint of his own new music.

Now back to Selena.

Like I said before, Selena’s last album, Revival, came out in 2015, and much like Justin, we’ve only gotten some random singles since then. She’s gone through her fair share of personal health and emotional struggles in the past few years, so it makes sense that she’s needed some time out of the spotlight. Key word: “some.”

Selena also canceled the end of her last tour in 2016, citing anxiety, panic attacks, and depression as a result of her lupus. After disappearing for a while, it really seemed like she was planning something major in 2017. After releasing “It Ain’t Me” with Kygo, she dropped her own singles “Bad Liar” and “Fetish” in the summer of 2017. This seemed like a natural promotion cycle leading up to an album, but then everything went quiet from the Selena camp. She released “Wolves” with Marshmello that October, and said that an album would be coming soon, but apparently that was a lie.

apparently Selena Gomez and my boss have different definitions of “soon” pic.twitter.com/KaSV0fxmzX

— Dylan Hafer (@50shadesofbetch) April 17, 2019

Rough, but honestly I have stuff that’s been on my to-do list since 2017. It happens to the best of us. Selena has seemed pretty unfocused on music since 2017, only putting out half-assed collabs, mostly with Spanish artists (“Taki Taki” is the best song ever released, don’t @ me), but now it seems like there might finally be an album at the end of the tunnel. On Jimmy Fallon’s show last month, she said that her album is basically done, and just needs a few finishing touches.

This is exciting news to hear from Selena, but honestly, I’ve been burned before. I’ll believe an album is coming when there’s some kind of official announcement, but she basically said the same exact thing two years ago. It definitely seems like there’s potential for both Justin and Selena to put out albums still in 2019, but I’m not holding my breath. Both Justin and Selena have gone through personal struggles since 2015 (including approximately four breakups with each other), but they have to release albums sooner or later, right? Right??!

For now, I guess we’ll have to be okay with their vague “soon” statements, because I really don’t control when they decide to release new music. I’m doing my best to be patient, but Hailey Bieber, if you’re reading this, tell Justin to get his ass to the studio please! And bring Rihanna too while you’re at it.

Images: justinbieber (2) / Instagram; 50shadesofbetch / Twitter; The Tonight Show / YouTube