There are many an issue that keep me up at night (and by “up at night” I mean until my self-designated bedtime of 11pm). For one, why won’t Dick Wolf give us at least one episode of Law & Order: SVU that features a shirtless Carisi? I’ve only been aggressively tweeting this suggestion at him for the last six seasons. Or, like, will I die alone? Then, of course, there’s also why the hell is everyone so obsessed with Selena Gomez?
Lately it feels like I can’t go one day without reading a headline about Selena Gomez. Whether it’s to psychoanalyze in minute detail each and every line of her new music or to report on the more hard-hitting stuff in her life, like her Instagram comments, the girl is f*cking everywhere. Her fame feels all-consuming, almost rabid, and on the same scale as mega celebrities like Beyoncé and Jennifer Aniston. Sometimes I feel like just uttering the words “Selena Gomez” on the internet sends people into a blood frenzy of speculation and gossip. The obsession with her is next level and her fans are beyond loyal. Case in point: she’s one of the world’s most followed people on Instagram, despite the fact that she hasn’t released a new album since 2015 and she’s not afraid to go dark on social media every few months.
The rabidness of her fan base feels a bit unwarranted. Now, don’t get it twisted, I am one of these rabid fans. I’ve been a huge fan of Selena’s ever since she was on Wizards of Waverly Place (RIP) and, quite frankly, carried the entire goddamn show. I still, to this day, go about vocally voicing at parties that if I could switch lives with anyone it would be Selena Gomez. And I say that with a straight face and everything!! But even I’m confused by her fame. I mean, what is she really famous for? Yeah, she publicly makes out with Justin Bieber once every four years, but that’s about how long it takes her to put out a new single too. I was under the impression that her fan base included me and any other person born in the 90s who got way too excited about Disney+. So, how does she stay so relevant? She’s sporadic at best with releasing new music, comes in and out of the public eye, and her last acting gig took place when side bangs and chunky belts were still in style. To put things into perspective, Brenda Song has the exact same resume, and you don’t see people salivating at the mouth to publish a story on who she’s feuding with on IG.
So what is it that makes her so goddamn popular? Sweetest Betch You’ll Ever Meet and I have discussed this issue AT LENGTH over Gchat at work (yes, we want to get fired, we’re begging for it actually). She’s of the mind that Selena’s rabid fan base has an underlying foundation of pity built into it, like how the media always writes her as the wronged woman in the Justin-Hailey Saga (kind of like how the media did to Jennifer Aniston about… everybody she was ever with). But, then again, these are also things Sweetest Betch has said about her coworker’s child whenever she visits the office and begs for quarters for the vending machine. I get what she’s saying, though: people love to root for a scorned woman, and no one has been burned more than Selena Gomez. Still, you’d think pity can only go so far. So, I want to break down Selena Gomez’s appeal one factor at a time.
I think part of Selena’s appeal is the way she flaunts her female friendships. If you take one look at her IG, you’ll see countless images of Selena with her friends—and not just the famous ones, either! (Though, for someone who claims to value her privacy, she certainly isn’t afraid to tout her high-profile relationships either *cough* Taylor Swift *cough, cough*). It gives people the impression that anyone can be a part of her squad. Like, that girl who starred in The Cutting Edge 4: Fire & Ice who gave Selena her spare kidney, or
me a random fan who keeps flooding her DMs with positive affirmations she found on Pinterest.
And the way she showcases these friendships is honestly masterful. This is a girl who has ditched every friend she ever made any time Justin Bieber decides to slide back into her DMs, and we’re to believe she’s this self-partnered, girl power, feminist icon? Look, I love Selena, but do I think she would ditch girls night in a heartbeat if an ex texted her “hey”? You bet your ass I do. But, again, this is what makes her so relatable. Who among us hasn’t skipped out early during a girls night out just to meet up with a guy whose idea of romance is splitting the Uber pool? And despite her apparent flakiness with friendships, her girls still back her up, still welcome her back with open arms after a messy breakup. Seeing that kind of loyalty in her girl squad inspires loyalty in her fans.
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And lastly, my actual #1 @courtneyjbarry you are an incredible woman. The way you handle life’s most confusing moments is indescribable and graceful. You are moved by the littlest stories to the most heartbreaking ones, you will give someone your perfume if they say you smell nice, you are freaking hilarious and always stand firm in your faith, a loving sister, an amazing friend and a beautiful daughter. You are the definition of FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made baby! #1
She Leaves You Wanting More
Another part of her allure is the way she handles social media at the most high profile of times. Remember when she broke up with The Weeknd and started publicly hanging out with Justin Bieber like it was no big thing? Or that time we found out she was hospitalized and almost died? Or that time Justin Bieber GOT MARRIED to Hailey Baldwin two months after he and Selena broke up? Instead of posting cryptic IG stories about deserving more (I see you, Khloé Kardashian) or testing Instagram’s nipple visibility policy with thirst traps (I see YOU, Kylie Jenner) she just like, lived her life. She posted normal pics with friends at dinner or in sweat pants hanging at home, or she posted nothing at all. I remember thinking when the news broke about Justin and Hailey dating, “where is your feminine rage?” and, “blink once if you need me to key his car!!” Instead, she handled the situation by saying nothing at all. It’s like when someone leaves you on read—it makes you that much more interested in them.
She Seems Real AF
I think what really draws people to Selena Gomez more than anything else is that she seems really down-to-earth. She’s been open about her struggles with mental health and her body image. She’s just as likely to post a thirst trap pic as one of her pounding pasta. She’s not afraid to be vulnerable to the public, either. Let’s not forget that one time, fresh off of one her breakups with Justin Bieber, she started crying in the middle of her 2014 AMAs performance. Crying in public over an ex (or just a Ship bro who didn’t follow me back on IG) is sort of my thing, and I’m sorry but HOW CAN YOU NOT RELATE TO THAT.
So, there you have it: the allure of Selena Gomez as best as I can describe it. One day when I’m explaining this to my grandkids I can point to these three reasons as a valid excuse for following @JelenaGoals well into my 20s. I’m going to go with that, or I’m just going to assume her fan base is comprised entirely of Russian bots. It’s anyone’s guess!
Images: Shutterstock.com; Giphy (1); @selenagomez /Instagram (3)
Every year, people say “this is the year of devastating celebrity breakups!” Look, we’re all really sad that Jenna Dewan and Channing Tatum didn’t work out, but 2018 was surprisingly a year of toxic couples staying together (???). Pete and Ariana obviously didn’t make it, but things have been weirdly stable other than that. For what it’s worth, when these couples actually break up, the fallout and drama will probably be incredible to watch. But for now, here are some of the most shocking celebrity couples that made it through 2018 (relatively) unscathed.
1. Tristan Thompson And Khloé Kardashian
Okay, this is an obvious one, because Tristan cheated on Khloé while she was pregnant. I’m sure that her family is trying to save face right now by pretending to get along with him, but it was obvious in recent KUWTK episodes that they despise him. I get that he’s 6’10”, makes really cute babies, is 6’10”, is extremely good looking, and is 6’10” (I’m terrified), but let’s not forget that Tristan cheated on Khloé while she was LITERALLY carrying his child.
He’s also been caught since the cheating scandal getting way too flirty with other chicks in public. I get that Khloé wants to try and work things out for the sake of True, but how can Tristan even look that adorable, mushy little baby in the eyes when her name is a reminder that honesty and loyalty clearly isn’t his forte? Also, never forget that Khloé and Tristan did that cringeworthy maternity photo shoot. Obviously, I blame him instead of her for that fiasco, because did I mention that Tristan cheated on Khloé when she was pregnant?
2. Scott Disick And Sofia Richie
When Kourtney and Younes broke up, Sofia was in need of, like, a Pez dispenser full of Xanax. I love Sofia, but even after all this time, I can’t shake the feeling that Scott is only dating her to piss Kourtney off. Here’s what I’m thinking: Justin Bieber was Kourtney’s rebound after dumping Scott, and Sofia is Justin’s ex. What stings even more is that Sofia is Nicole Richie’s little sister, and Nicole and Kourtney basically grew up together. It was also recently discussed on KUWTK that Scott and Kourtney both want another baby. Someone even suggested that they just have another one together. Stranger things have happened.
Let’s not forget that Scott refuses to throw Sofia a follow on Instagram, and barely features her on his feed. Meanwhile, he’s in every other picture she posts and even had his face as her phone case at one point. This is not the sign of a balanced relationship. He’s also literally been photographed borderline cheating on her. I honestly think at this point he’s just staying with her to prove to Kourtney that he was dating Sofia out of love and not spite. Maybe Scott and Kourtney will get back together eventually, or maybe they won’t, but you’ll never convince me that they’re not both thinking about it.
3. Justin Bieber And Hailey Baldwin
Did anyone see these two actually making it to the altar? No. Did everyone see them making it to a New York courthouse? Yes, but only in the sense of Justin getting into some legal drama and Hailey serving as a witness. None of us expected them to go their for their marriage license, because we all thought this engagement was a complete joke. Sources close to them justified the engagement by saying she had made him happy for the last three weeks of dating, so they decided to get engaged. They also said he was planning on proposing to her for weeks. How can you be with someone for three weeks and plan on proposing to them for weeks? The math just doesn’t make sense!
Fans try to justify it by saying “they got back together” but um, not really. In the past, they were casually dating and hooking up from time to time, but nothing official. Selena was the one who Justin wrote all those songs about and kept pursuing. He even convinced her to break up with The Weeknd. Yet Hailey’s The One? A part of me will always believe that Justin and Selena belong together. Sorry Hailey, but Justin can only keep up these thirsty Instagram comments for so long.
4. Emily Ratajkowski And Sebastian Bear-McClard
How is this marriage still a thing? He was her rebound after a three-year relationship. They knew each other for, like, five seconds before getting engaged. Sebastian even proposed with a ring that he made out of a paper clip. They also made it on our trashiest weddings list because they deprived us all of seeing Emily go all-out-influencer for her wedding. Also, it would’ve been dope to see Emily play the field for a while. In terms of her charisma and disposition, she seems like she has major Rihanna vibes. She’s a bad b*tch, and it’s a shame we didn’t get to see her single phase.
5. Jax Taylor And Brittany Cartwright
All right, allow me to paint you a picture of an actual adult male: he has had numerous affairs with women besides his significant other, an affair with a porn star, adamantly lied about said affair with this porn star at the expense of others, has a sh*tty fake tan, and is a reality star. I’m talking about Jax Taylor. This guy is clearly never going to be monogamous. Whenever I tell someone that I write about Vanderpump Rules, eight times out of ten they will tell me that they know someone that’s hooked up with Jax. That’s not a great track record, I gotta say. Brittany seems sweet, and I just don’t want her to get hurt by Jax more than she already has. Whatever, it’s her life, but he’s a 39-year-old man, and it seems unlikely that he’s going to change his ways at this point.
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Last night was amazing and to top it off I woke up to 1 million followers! This is unbelievable to me!!! Thank you guys so much for following my journey & supporting me, it means so much!! ???? – Always remember to smile, stay positive, and spread the love! ❤️❤️❤️ Happy Monday!
6. Mod Sun And Bella Thorne
In a lot of ways, Mod Sun and Bella Thorne are perfect for each other. They’re obnoxious, questionably talented, and a lot of people find them nauseating. But they’re like the Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne of America. They’re totally a perfect match because they’re the only people on the planet who could tolerate each other. Bella Thorne is what would’ve happened had I never stopped my “double vodka Red Bulls and whipped cream flavored vodka, make out with five guys in one night, scream-sing all the words to “Caribou Lou” by Tech N9ne” phase. But unlike me, Bella still has time to grow out of her questionable phase considering she’s barely legal.
Mod Sun, on the other hand, is 31. He’s a full adult. His tattoo situation makes him look like the doodles of a 7th-grader, if that kid also spent his time shoplifting from Hot Topic and doing whippits. And did I mention they named their dog Tampon? Is it supposed to be ironic that the most unhygienic couple on the planet named their dog after a feminine hygiene product? Or are they just trying to be obnoxious? Who’s to say? Either way, I have a lot of questions here.
But congrats to all these happy couples for making it through the dumpster fire that was 2018! Can’t wait to see who will break up and who will get prematurely engaged next year.
Images: @khloekardashian / Instagram; @sofiarichie / Instagram; @commentsbycelebs / Instagram; @emrata / Instagram; @brittany / Instagram; @bellathorne / Instagram
I’ve gathered you all here today to discuss a probably unpopular opinion. A “hot take,” if you will: Selena Gomez is annoying AF.
There, I said it.
I know she’s like, the most followed person on Instagram or whatever, but for the level of exposure she’s gained, she doesn’t have much to show for it. Any lovesick middle school girl could write her lyrics, and I must have slept through the part where Spring Breakers won an Academy Award. If I didn’t know she was a “singer” and an “actress,” I would think she’s famous just for mastering the art of looking beautiful and sad, kind of like how Bella Thorne is famous for mastering the art of looking like she just stepped out of a sewer filled with glitter.
Let’s start with the least credible detail: Selena is the OG Belieber. Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber began their fairytale many moons ago in 2009, when they were just two teenyboppers, before Bieber peed off balconies and was banned from China. *Wistful sigh* 2009 was a simpler time.
After many years of relationship ups and downs, cheating scandals, and unfollowing each other on Instagram, Selena and Justin called it quits, seemingly for good. This lead Bieber to his World Tour of Blondes and Selena into the arms of The Weeknd, who I will maintain is the better dude here. But alas, last summer Selena ended her Weeknd vacation and was back on her bullshit, spotted with Biebs soon after.
If Selena Gomez wants to promote this image of being a strong female role model to her fans, running right back into the arms of a guy who treated her like shit is probably not the best message for teenage girls. “Yeah Chad just dumped me after senior prom and told the whole school I was a slut because I wouldn’t sleep with him, but it’s true love! If Selena and Justin can make it work, I know we’re meant to be.”
Even Selena’s mom wouldn’t talk to her after she got back with Bieber. I don’t know if Selena and her mom have some sort of Ariel Winter/Crystal Workman-esque relationship, but if the woman who birthed me stopped speaking to me over some guy with a shitty mustache, I would take that shit to heart.
I genuinely find her vibe of wanting to look and sound like a 10-year-old girl a little… unsettling. There’s something weird about someone who looks like they’re 14 years old singing, “I’ve got a fetish for your love.” We don’t need actual teenage girls captioning their Instagram pics with that, either. Also, that’s not how fetishes work, but I suppose that’s neither here nor there.
I routinely have nightmares about the “Bad Liar” music video. It’s the one where she dresses her very skinny, feminine body in “drag” (reverse drag?) like a creepy gym teacher and then furiously writhes in the mirror for 10 minutes until I faint out of discomfort.
Let us also not forget the crazy stalker video for “Hands To Myself,” where she breaks into a dude’s house and rolls around in his bed in her underwear until she is literally arrested. (Sidenote: Wasn’t that what got Lorna sent to prison on Orange is the New Black?) I cannot think of a more disturbing message to send to her fanbase of feral teenage girls than apparently “stalking is sexy and fun!”
But really, my main beef with Selena is really that she is so totally boring. Rumor has it that during interviews, reporters are banned from asking about anything tabloid related and especially Bieber related. So basically she repeats that she’s just like, a down-home girl from Texas and talks about her kidney transplant for an hour?
I don’t know about you, but I’m more likely to invest in a celebrity who stands for something. Or in Selena’s case, for anything. If all this fame really stemmed from her starring in a Disney show, I’m gonna keep rooting for Hilary Duff’s world takeover.
There are only six weeks left this year, and most of 2017 has been a big mess. From our tragic political situation to basically everyone you know and love being a sexual predator, the good moments have seemed few and far between. At this point, we’ll take whatever we can get, which is why today we’re discussing the reunion of one of our most iconic celebrity couples: Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. After Selena and The Weeknd broke up, she was spotted going to breakfast and church with Justin not long after. And just yesterday, they were photographed kissing at Justin’s hockey game.
You might not love Justin. You might not love Selena. But deep down, you know that they just sort of belong with each other. It’s not like they can’t be apart, but some force of nature always seems to pull them back together. We’re completely sucked in, and it turns out there’s a scientific reason why.
Cosmo enlisted some psychologists to tell us why we care so much, and tbh, they read us like a book. They talked about how Justin and Selena represent the romantic first love that never actually works out for real people, like how you thought you’d be with your high school boyfriend forever but didn’t make it past Thanksgiving your freshman year of college. They also delved in to how Justin is the bad boy, and we just want Selena to make him better. “She appears to soften him and redeem some of the rougher edges of his character. In turn, it gives consumers ‘hope’ that true love can conquer all,” Dr. Azadeh Aalai told Cosmo. No, shut up, we’re not crying. We’re not sure what these psychologists do in their actual careers, but they should also consider writing #Jelena fan fiction in their spare time.
All of this goes a long way toward explaining why we all about lost our damn minds when Selena traded in The Weeknd for her old flame. They seem to be spending lots of time together, but will it last this time?
If history repeats itself, the answer will obviously be no. Justin has a clear history of bad boy tendencies, and Selena will have to decide if she wants to stick around through another one of his douchebag phases. She could basically date any guy in the world, so Justin will really have to work to earn her trust again. We also have to remember that Selena was dating The Weeknd literally less than a month ago, so there’s a chance that Justin could just be a rebound for her. She knows he still loves her, and it’s nice to feel loved. It’s too soon to know if that shit will last, but we’ll obviously be paying close attention.
Another question that remains to be answered is how public Jelena 2.0 will be. In the past, they’ve kissed on red carpets, openly dedicated (many) songs to each other, and talked in interviews about their relationship. But in 2017, things are happening a little more discretely. We all know they’ve been hanging out together, but there have been no sensual Instagram pics or anything yet. A good indicator will be the American Music Awards this Sunday, where Selena is set to perform live for the first time in over a year. She’ll surely be nervous, and maybe having Justin there with her will be just what she needs? As long as she doesn’t cry onstage, we’ll take it.
We may not know if Jelena will be around forever, but at least Justin and Selena have given us something to talk about that’s not Donald Trump. In 2017, that’s basically all we ask for. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go listen to Selena’s entire discography to look for clues.