10 Things You Didn’t Realize Happened In 2019

2020, amirite? That’s it, that’s the article.

I’m kidding! But seriously, have all years just gotten progressively worse, or does it only feel this way because of the 24-hour news cycle and advent of social media making it impossible to escape or stop talking about the bad news? Or is this the inevitable byproduct of capitalism, racism, environmental injustice, and fascism going unchecked and reaching a boiling point? Too deep for this article? Too deep for this article. If you thought the “Trump is going to tweet us into WWIII” phase of 2020 felt like forever ago, allow me to send you off the deep end by taking it a step further and reminiscing on huge cultural events that seem like they happened in another lifetime, but in fact, only took place in 2019. Get ready to go off a proverbial cliff.

Jordyn Woods Went On Red Table Talk

I remember it like it was both yesterday and 17 years ago: we were all in the office (a physical office, can you imagine?), gathered around the flat-screen TV, watching Jordyn Woods go on Red Table Talk with Jada Pinkett Smith to discuss her alleged tryst with Tristan Thompson. It was the kiss heard ’round the world: Jordyn, BFF of Kylie Jenner, smooching the baby daddy and ex of Kylie’s sister? It was a wild time. The memes. The jokes. The memes again. I miss it more than I miss some of my actual friends whom I haven’t seen in months.

Colton Jumped The Fence

Back when Colton Underwood was merely boring and not f*cking scary, we all waited with bated breath for the night he would finally vault himself over a fence in order to chase down the love of his life, Cassie Randolph. In retrospect, perhaps that should have been a sign this man did not exactly have a healthy attachment style. Anyway! Back in March 2019, The Bachelor viewers finally saw that long-awaited fence jump that Chris Harrison had been teasing out all season. Can’t believe we were actually looking forward to this at one point in our lives. But if I could somehow fence jump myself out of this universe, I definitely would.

Area 51 Raid

What I wouldn’t give for aliens to come to abduct me right now and take me away from this hellscape, tbh. This time last year, thousands of people RSVP’d to a Facebook event expressing their intent to storm Area 51. Nobody really did, because the event was made as a joke—although a few people did show up. What happened to them? Has anyone followed up or were they just wiped away from existence by the government? Anyway, looking back on it, I think we should have just gone for it and raided Area 51. Honestly, it’s not too late! Whatever could happen surely can’t make things any worse, right?

Justin & Hailey’s Wedding

 

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1 year ago we had the best wedding. Wish I could live this day over and over 🤍🕊

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It feels like these two have been married for decades, what with their constant Instagram PDA and general parent-like wardrobe aesthetic, but you would be wrong in thinking this marriage has been on the books for that long. That’s right, friends, Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin only actually had their wedding in September 2019 (though they did have a courthouse wedding exactly one year before that, in 2018). When time is a complete social construct, it’s easy to forget that I have cans of black beans in my pantry that are older than this marriage.

College Admissions Scandal

Ah yes, remember a time when rich people would actually be punished for their crimes? It was not actually so long ago, merely the faraway time of 2019, when Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman, et. al. got busted for participating in an elaborate (and if you ask me, stupid) scheme to get their kids admitted to colleges under false pretenses. The charges were made public in March of 2019 and the sting was called Operation Varsity Blues. We got so much from this, including Olivia Jade’s fake rowing pictures, Lori Loughlin’s every attempt to justify her very much illegal actions, Felicity Huffman’s joke of a jail sentence, and probably the inevitable Netflix and Hulu documentaries. Do you think Olivia Jade will play herself in the fictionalized adaptation for HBO?

Bradley & Gaga’s Oscars Performance

2019 oscars

Okay, to be fair, A Star Is Born was big in 2018 technically, since The Oscars take place in February. But still, who else can barely remember a time when you could have 100 people in a room, regardless of whether or not 99 of those people believe in you? I shudder at the thought now. As does the time Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga basically had sex on stage with their eyes while performing the breakout hit from the movie they starred in together. It feels like 5 years ago, but it was really more like one and a half.

Series Finale of ‘Game of Thrones’

Yeah, the series finale of Game of Thrones completely sucked, but you know what’s even worse? The series finale of American democracy. I really wish the biggest thing we had to complain about was investing years in a TV show that completely sh*t the bed on its ending. Even though Game of Thrones only ended in May 2019, I for one have enjoyed this extremely blissful period in which I stopped having to pretend like I cared at all. Honestly, I wish it had ended sooner.

Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth’s Divorce

 

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ROCK THE BOAT ❤️ 🇮🇹 ❤️🇮🇹

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…And Miley’s subsequent Hot Girl Summer journey. We have yet to see anything like the utter messiness of Miley and Liam getting divorced after basically pulling a decade-long “will-they-won’t-they” on the general public, and then Miley gallivanting around Italy with Kaitlynn Carter, who had just divorced from her ex, Brody Jenner. It was a media circus that we were all living for. Ugh, those were fun times.

The U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Won The World Cup

Jesus f*cking Christ, look at how much can change in a year. In July 2019, the U.S. Women’s Soccer team won the 2019 FIFA World Cup, and we were all “girl power!” and “goals!” and “Megan Rapinoe is bae “. Now, we’re all “Make The Handmaid’s Tale fictional again” and “please don’t confirm a Supreme Court Justice who basically walked straight out of Gilead” and “should I get an IUD?”

Trump Was Impeached

Yeah, that only happened in December 2019. And thank goodness it taught him a much-needed lesson on not overstepping your power, denouncing white supremacists, and gracefully conceding should he lose the general election come November. Oh, wait.

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Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; Giphy; haileybieber, mileycyrus / Instagram; Ed Herrera / Getty Images

5 Fashion Trends That We Just Don’t Understand

I don’t really fancy myself a fashion guru—in fact, I’m currently wearing a less than flattering sweatshirt-and-cowboy-boots combo—but there are some pieces out there that even I can say, with absolute certainty, are stupid. Look, as a youth living in New York, I am generally unfazed by most things, but some of the outfits that walk by me every day are too awful to forget, and they deserve a shoutout on this sh*tlist. Before you call me judgmental, let me just tell you that I know I’m judgmental and I simply don’t care, so joke’s on you. I’d also like to say that I’m not out here judging people who have bad taste or don’t know how to wear bootcut jeans because, let me remind you, I’m wearing a sweatshirt to work today. No, I’m judging the people who think they’re being really stylish by wearing something that’s objectively stupid—like sleeveless hoodies. Please.

So without further ado, read on for the dumbest moments in fashion. 

Sheer Sweaters

Rag & Bone Perry Crewneck Sheer Pullover Sweater

The whole point of a sweater is to be cozy, so why in the fat hell would you wear one that’s both thin af and completely see through? As someone who pushes the company dress code like I’m getting paid to test limits, I totally understand the desire to be a little extra, but a sheer sweater just doesn’t make sense and that is a damn fact. There are so many ways to do sexy the right way, but a sweater thinner than a pair of CVS tights isn’t one of them. What about a cropped sweater and high-waisted jeans? Or even an off-the-shoulder sweater? There are so many solid options that don’t involve literally freezing your tits off. 

Sleeveless Hoodies

lululemon X Barry’s Stronger as One Sleeveless Hoodie

Like most horrible things in this world, Justin Bieber is to blame for sleeveless hoodies. First of all, hoodies are not flattering, like, ever, and removing the sleeves doesn’t help. The only thing hoodies are good for is keeping you warm, so a sleeveless hoodie makes no sense whatsoever. It’s like the fashion equivalent of a sandwich with no meat: unnecessary. After doing some research (a quick Google search), I’ve noticed that most sleeveless hoodies (gag) are part of a workout outfit, which is almost worse than wearing one out and about. No matter the season, you sweat a ton when you work out, so do you really want to tap it back in a f*cking sweatshirt? I think not. 

Furry Flip-Flop Slippers

Ugg Fluff Flip Flop III

Technically I’m 26, but my affinity for bathrobes and slippers indicate otherwise. Let me just point out what I thought was obvious so that I can bask in how stupid these things are: the whole point of slippers is to be cozy, so why would anyone buy and wear a flip-flops version?? Also, not to be a snob, but the only two places flip-flops are an acceptable choice of footwear are on the beach and in the nail salon. That is it. Like everything else on this list, the weird edits to the original style (a closed slipper) totally defeat the purpose. These wouldn’t make sense even if they were cute, and uh, they ain’t that cute either. Instead, go for one of these cute snow boot options that will actually keep your toes warm.

Jeans With Giant Holes

SHEIN Extreme Distressed Knees Jeans

Look, I stan a good ripped jean, but there is something about the Khloé Kardashian-esque ripped jeans that are an assault on the eyes. I’m talking about the ones whose hole starts in the upper thigh region and literally ends at the ankles. I mean, why? They serve zero purpose except giving the people around you something to laugh at, so unless you’re just out here trying to make the world LOL, go for normal ripped jeans. I know it’s ~fashion,~ but that doesn’t mean it’s a good look. And if you absolutely can’t resist a pair of denim like this, please save your sanity and do NOT wear them to a family function. Your dad will have a f*cking field day making fun of you and asking if your knees are cold, which they probably are. Next!

Boot Pants

Balenciaga Pantashoes

That’s right: boot pants. Balenciaga is generally not my cup of tea because I don’t like confusing, overpriced, neon-colored tea, and these weird boots (pants?) are a perfect example of why I can’t get behind the brand. First of all, what are they? How do you put them on? How do you PEE? Secondly, they’re so aggressive that if you must wear them, you can really only get away with them once, maybe twice if the second time is a full decade later. I’m all for bold choices, but these are just too much and I stand by that statement. And at nearly $3000, the price is DEFINITELY too much. This isn’t like that time Her Royal Highness Michelle Obama wore those glittery Balenciaga boots and the world truly lost its mind, because those were insane in all the right ways. These boot pants are just insane the way Spencer Pratt is insane AKA there’s nothing cute about it. 

Do you agree that these pieces need to be burned at the stake? What horrible trends did I leave out? Let me know in the comments! 

Images: Neiman Marcus; lululemon; Zappos.com; SHEIN; Balenciaga

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Justin Bieber And Hailey Baldwin Are Married

I never thought I’d see the day when Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin got married, but Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin are married. Wow. I really never thought they would make it down the aisle. I guess now is as good of a time as any to start taking them seriously as a couple. I’m sorry, but I truly need a minute to process this news. Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin have been engaged for all of two months. It seems a little, I don’t know, premature? How does one even plan a wedding that quickly? I guess if you have Justin Bieber money, you can make anything happen. But still. Has nobody told these kids that marriage is permanent?? You’d think you would want to think it over for longer than two menstrual cycles. No? Guess not.

PEOPLE reports that Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin were married on Thursday in New York City. They acquired the marriage license, so this thing is legit and legally binding (they do know that, right?), and the couple will have a religious ceremony and a reception with family and friends soon. This honestly leads me to wonder if Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin were abstaining until marriage? I really can’t think of another legitimate reason to be in such a rush to tie the knot. Like, you have the rest of your lives!! Can we bump the breaks?? You kids, get off my lawn! (Not relevant, I just had to complete the old person saying trifecta.)

A source close to the couple tells PEOPLE, “They went ahead and did it without listening to anyone.” LMFAO. I am the source; the source is me.

A soure had previously told PEOPLE that Justin and Hailey were planning a small ceremony with their families. “They are not planning a huge, celebrity wedding,” the source said. “They are getting married for love and don’t want a flashy wedding.” Love? Ah, so that’s what they’re calling raging hormones these days.

In all seriousness, congratulations to Justin and Hailey, and I am now accepting wagers on how long this marriage will last. Cheers, guys!