One Of Trump’s SCOTUS Picks Is Straight Out Of Handmaid’s Tale

Donald Trump has officially begun the search for his next SCOTUS nominee (pour one out for Roe V. Wade), and the final four candidates are…interesting. This week, the president met with 4 judges for 45 minutes each (my apologies to those judges for having to spend 45 minutes with Trump), so we can only assume these are his top picks. Once you are all acquainted with the psychos who might send us all back to the 1950s, I wish you all the best on your application for a visa to Canada.

Amul R. Tharpar

Judge Tharpar is a justice in the 6th Circuit from Kentucky. He is the son of Indian immigrants and would be the first person of Asian heritage appointed to the court so like, why does Trump like him? Tharpar is conservative as fuuuuck and would be a reliable conservative vote on the court. That said, he’s never made clear his views on LGBT issues or abortion rights so maybe he’ll magically be cool? (Probs not). Amul Thapar is apparently Mitch McConnell’s favorite candidate, so I hate him and have nothing else to say.

Brett M. Kavanagh

Judge Brett (not what he’s called, but what I call him) hails from the D.C. Circuit and is an OG GOP stan. He worked in Bush’s White House and clerked for Justice Kennedy, and was the associate independent counsel during the Clinton Whitewater scandal. His claim to fame was writing the dissent when his colleagues ruled an immigrant teen in U.S. custody had a right to abortion, so I think we know where he stands on that issue. If the fact that he went to Yale for both college and law school and looks like every out frat bro you saw blacked out at the Harvard-Yale game all grown up doesn’t make him untrustworthy, the fact that Senator Chuck Schumer said he “would probably win first prize as the hard right’s political lawyer” definitely does.

Raymond M. Kethledge

Kethledge is a Federal appeals judge from NJ. He also clerked for Kennedy, which might make you think he’d inherit some of that swing vote vibe, but nah. Kethledge is a staunch constitutional “originalist” meaning that he believes in interpreting the Constitution exactly as it was written. You know, when women were property and people had slaves and guns could shoot one bullet every 4 hours. Perf.

Amy Coney Barrett

Last but certainly not least we have Amy Cony Barrett, an Appellate court judge from NOLA who is holding it down for the ladies. Does that mean she’ll protect Roe? Omg no. Amy clerked for Justice Scalia aka the most conservative conservative to ever conservative, but that’s not the craziest shit about her. Judge Barrett is like, supes Catholic (which is fine, so is my grandma) she’s kind of taken it to an extreme. Barrett belongs to a religious group called People of Praise in which members are assigned personal advisers. Male advisers are called “heads” and (up until very recently) female advisers are called….are you ready for this….?

….you’re actually not ready. Are you sitting down? You are? Good….

They recently changed “handmaids” to “woman leaders” but still…yikes. The advisers (aka Aunt Lydias) then make sure all People of Praise members are abiding by their livelong loyalty oath aka their “covenant.” The group also teaches that husbands are the head of the family and that women should be obedient to them. I imagine they also make all the wives wear blue And with that, dear readers, I’m done for the day. Happy fucking 4th of July.

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5 Reasons Justice Kennedy’s Retirement Is A Legit Disaster

Yesterday we were granted approximately 15 minutes to celebrate a victorious primary election night for Democrats before it was announced there’d be a third season of The Handmaid’s Tale and the American public would be starring in it. Justice Anthony Kennedy announced he plans to retire this summer from the Supreme Court, which means that Trump gets to further stick his grimy little fingers in and shape the highest court in the land.

BREAKING: Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy says he’s retiring; Trump to get 2nd high-court pick .

— The Associated Press (@AP) June 27, 2018

Usually, we’d be like, “don’t freak, here’s why” but to really commemorate how terrible this all is, here’s why you should be calling your doctor for some backup xanax (and Plan B, but we’ll get into that.)

Roe v. Wade Is F*cked

That might sound a little extreme but we are trying to really elevate how dire this sitch is. Roe V Wade, the landmark case that made abortion legal in this country, is at great risk of being overturned. Even if it is not overturned, conservative states will take the opportunity to impose harsher and more restrictive abortion laws, making them incredibly difficult to get, knowing the Supreme Court will uphold them. 

With Kennedy retiring, the right to access abortion in this country is on the line. #SaveSCOTUS

— Planned Parenthood Action (@PPact) June 27, 2018

Pro-life advocates are already flexing their terrible PSA video muscles in hopes of making women’s lives harder everywhere.

No More Fun Gay Weddings?

You know who doesn’t make you wear terrible bridesmaids outfits to their weddings? Chic af gay couples. You know who made it possible for those gay couples to have a wedding? Anthony Kennedy.  Here was the opinion he wrote when he cast the deciding vote in legalizing gay marriage:

“No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right.”

Feels insane that a man capable of writing something so touching has decided to royally fuck us by allowing Trump to replace him, but alas. While it is less likely the right to gay marriage will be overturned, a conservative court is more side with institutions discriminating against people based on their sexual orientation. 

Au Revoir, Affirmative Action

Kennedy often sided with the libs on affirmative action so with him retiring permanently to a coastal town in Florida, we’re going to have a lot less protections for race, gender, and ethnicity based admissions at public institutions. Politico had this to say about an upcoming case that’ll be seen before the Supreme Court.

“Anti-affirmative-action activists are pursuing a lawsuit against Harvard, arguing that the elite school discriminates against Asian-Americans in order to meet certain goals for the racial makeup of its student body. If that case gets before a Supreme Court where Kennedy is swapped for a conservative successor, affirmative action could be dead not only at public schools but also at private ones whose practices have largely escaped legal scrutiny until now.”

Also, FWIW, white women are the number one beneficiaries of affirmative action policies. 

A Lot More Alone Time

Apologies if these headlines are crass, we’re just completely freaking out! While Kennedy usually sided with conservatives on the death penalty, he occasionally made decisions that parted from them like not giving the death penalty to children under 18 (seems legit) as well as being anti-solitary confinement. I have a hard time being alone with my own thoughts and I am a blogger. Imagine the mental duress if I had committed an egregious crime. Kennedy understood this and in his opinion asked that the court consider “the human toll wrought by extended terms of isolation.”


Trump Gets To Pick

Anytime Trump is given a choice, it seems he always chooses completely wrong. But this isn’t like “Trump is choosing a bad lumpy suit to wear” type of choice. This is a choice that will shape how our nation is governed for at least the next fifty years. Trump gets to choose the next  Supreme Court justice and in case you were wondering who he was thinking, the psycho already has a list. No, this isn’t a list he made yesterday but one he made in November of last year because he was presumably bored? Is this something most presidents do? Absolutely not. Is Trump most presidents? Why bother asking at this point.

Trump is almost certainly going to fill this position with an ultra-conservative person who will try to overturn the things we listed above. This is scary but if Democrats can get their shit together and hold Republicans’ feet to the flames, they might be able to avoid the absolute worst. Chuck Schumer yesterday reminded the government that the republican’s delayed confirming Merrick Garland because of an upcoming election (following Antonin Scalia’s sudden death) and that this should be the case now as well.

In 2016, Senate Republicans said that the American people deserve an opportunity to speak on Supreme Court nominees.

Now that Justice Kennedy is retiring and @realDonaldTrump is president, will they silence them?

— Chuck Schumer (@SenSchumer) June 27, 2018

Hopefully the Dems will buck up and not fuck this one up. If they can’t, well, Plan B can last up to four years in its original packaging, ladies.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!