Whether you spent your long weekend taking poolside tequila shots or eating lobster rolls while scouting out the underwhelming crowd at Gurney’s, you currently feel like shit. I mean, it makes sense. When you start drinking vodka out of a water bottle on the LIRR Friday afternoon and don’t stop until late Tuesday night, you can expect to feel pretty shitty for a few days afterwards. Fourth of July was a sick time and you got 200 likes on your American flag bikini Insta, but now you’re getting back to reality and it’s time to get your body back on track. Here’s how to recover from your Fourth of July drinking bender.
1. Cut The Salt, Chug The Water
You might notice that aside from being colossally hungover and in need of a new phone and/or Snapchat identity, you’re also bloated as fuck. I mean, the amount of sodium and empty calories in your beer and hot dog intake is probably the reason, but it’s nothing that can’t be fixed. By cutting out salty foods this week and drinking as much water as you can, you’ll start flushing unwanted toxins out of your body and you’ll slowly notice yourself getting less bloated by the day. I mean, your food might be bland and your bathroom runs might increase, but it’s worth it. We saw you at that buffet when everyone else was watching the fireworks. You had your fun.
2. Get A Good Night’s Sleep
Another reason for feeling so gross is lack of sleep. I mean, there’s no chance you got your recommended 7-9 hours per night when you were drunk-eating a family size bag of Doritos after the club at 4am, so don’t pretend you’re on a normal sleep cycle. Take this week to actually get into bed at a reasonable hour, put your phone away, and go the fuck to sleep. Also, many studies show that lack of sleep makes your body crave junk food, so you’ll actually make healthier food choices during the day when you get more sleep at night. Can’t argue with that.
3. Do A HIIT Workout
We totally get that you don’t want to drag your hungover body out of bed to make it to the gym, but doing a quick HIIT workout at home will actually make you feel (and look) a lot better. High intensity interval training raises your heart rate in short intervals, so your body is actually burning calories during the workout and afterwards. The science behind it is called EPOC, and it’s basically about how when your body works super hard for a short amount of time, then your body has to restore oxygen for up to 24 hours afterwards. Studies have proven that even a 15- or 20-minute workout will do the trick, so I’d start now if I were you.
4. Eat Real Meals
This might sound stupid, but simply eating real meals with whole foods will help your body recover from the damage you’ve done to it this weekend. Your body is used to eating substantial meals, so when you put it through 3-5 days of vodka for breakfast and rosé for dinner, it might be a bit confused. Focus on eating real meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and you’ll automatically start feeling better. Also make sure those meals aren’t coming from a frozen box or like, a McDonald’s dollar menu.
5. Be (Slightly) Less Social
We’re not telling you to cancel plans every night this week, but if you’re still feeling nauseous and bloated from this weekend, it’s probably not the best week for happy hour and late-night dinners every night. Staying on track when you’re out is hard enough, so adding a pitcher of sangria and three bowls of tortilla chips in the mix is just not helping your case. The happy hour frosé and unlimited guac bowls will still be available all summer, so take these few nights to cook for yourself and relax alc-free. Like, if Martha Stewart could do it for five months, you can do it for a week, but if you HAVE to drink, we stand by our BBQ advice and say just have everything on the rocks. Meaning no vodka sodas, yes vodka on the rocks with a fuck ton of limes—that way there’s no carbonated sodas to bloat you even further. And if you’re going to drink, drink a TON of water too. Sounds less fun, probs not worth it, but that’s for you to decide.
6. Get Your Hands On Some Ginger
Whether you’re taking a wellness shot with ginger and cayenne, or just ordering an extra side of ginger with your rice-less sushi roll, a little ginger goes a long way with healing bloating, nausea, and inflammation. It might not taste as good as the red wine you’ve been chugging all weekend, but it’ll seriously help you out and you’ll thank us when you feel like a human again. I mean, we know this info literally goes down the drain once you’re ready to rally again next weekend, but try to get some ginger in your system before you buy your liver its goodbye gift.
Listen up, heathens. Whether you really give a shit about Independence Day or not, you and I both know you drank enough alcohol this weekend to put Lady Liberty under the table. But now the
excuses for day drinking celebrations are over and it’s time to drag your bloated, hungover body into work like an adult with bills to pay and a mouth to feed.
Unfortunately, you probably feel like you have absolutely destroyed all the work you put into achieving the summer body you were able to display this past weekend. Fortunately, you have a month or two to recover before the next big binge-drinking event that marks the end of summer—Labor Day parties. Seize this opportunity to cleanse and restore your body from all the shit you put it through this past weekend
before you inevitably fuck it up again next weekend.
How, you ask? Follow the advice you found on the internet, obviously. Here are 7 ways to detox after all the burgers you ate and shots you took this July 4th.
1. Drink A Fuckton Of Water
Research shows that hangovers are caused at least in part by dehydration. While the very thought of chugging anything may make you want to vom right now, start sipping on some water ASAP.
2. Replenish Your Electrolytes
Again, you’re probably super dehydrated right now, which means you need to replenish all the body salts you lost while participating in the great American tradition of getting blackout. Sports drinks and salty soups like miso soup are good sources of electrolytes, plus they make you look like you just did something athletic.
3. Eat A Banana
Apparently potassium is good for counterbalancing sodium, so it can reduce all that water making you swell to three times your size. If you don’t like bananas for whatever reason (I get it—you can’t transport them anywhere without them turning to mush, you can’t eat them in public for fear that some perv will get the wrong idea), snack on other potassium-rich foods like sweet potatoes, yogurt, clams, etc. (That last one was a test—send me the names of anyone who can stomach clams when they’re hungover and I’m calling the police on them.)
4. Go For A Walk
Studies have shown that going for a walk after eating helps lower your blood sugar and get your digestive system moving faster. I’m assuming you’ve already digested all the beer from yesterday, but go for a walk just in case—your body can use all the help it can get. It also puts you in a better mood, so you might manage to make it through the day without stabbing someone (Debra in accounting) in the eye with a ballpoint pen.
5. Make Some Asparagus
Asparagus is also known to help your hangover go away faster by up-regulating cell metabolisms. In other words, it helps you metabolize alcohol faster. Who knew?
6. Go For A Starbucks Run
Caffeine has been shown to reduce headaches caused by hangovers, so indulge in your Starbucks addiction today, assuming you haven’t already. Just make sure to go back to #1 and drink water afterward, because caffeine causes dehydration.
7. Skip The Soda
Carbonated drinks have bubbles in them. Bubbles contain air. Gas and bloating are caused by air in your digestive system. You do the math—stay far, far away from carbonated stuff today, unless you want to continue looking and feeling like the angry marshmallow man from Ghostbusters.
Happy fucking birthday, America. We’ll skip the lofty introductions and just get to the weekend horoscopes. Drinking is in store for all of us, so find out what you should drink and how much—not by listening to your limits or caring for your liver, or anything, but by interpreting the movement of the stars. What could go wrong?
While Aries may typically be one of the drunkest of the zodiac, this patriotic weekend is a time for pacing yourself. No one likes the girl who’s blacked out before the fireworks even start. The goal here is to still be the drunkest person at the barbecue, but to maintain that drunk for the entire day, which means you’ll be sticking to ciders. Unlike beer which is heavy and makes you bloat like no other, cider is light and refreshing. Bonus: an Aries alcohol tolerance means you can drink it all day without wreaking havoc. Branch out into a festive red berry flavor that’ll look super patriotic in your 300 second Snapchat story.
This weekend is looking like a marathon for you, Taurus. Endless parties, multiple family obligations, and the burning desire to be drunk at each and every one of them. Nothing says “thanks for the invite, I’m going to eat all your potato salad and then GTFO” like the girl who arrives with a bottle of tequila. Start easy with some blended margaritas, and then slowly ease into debauchery that our forefathers would be proud of by peer pressuring everyone in attendance to take shots with you. You’ll be the life (and eventually death) of the party.
We all know you have one goal, and one goal only, this weekend, Gemini: the illusive perfect 4th of July Instagram. No easy feat, this photo must strike the perfect balance of contrived and natural, patriotic while still self-aware enough to realize America is burning, cute but not so glam that people can tell you spent three hours getting ready for a barbecue. You have a lot of work ahead of you, but we can by making at least one part simple. The perfect photo calls for the perfect summer cocktail: a fruity punch that photographs well and will have people leaving comments asking for the recipe. Something big batch is perfect for a weekend like this because it will trick people into thinking you showed up with an item to share. Pour it into a festive ice tea cooler, and your guest obligation is done without any actual cooking at all.
With a full weekend of family time ahead of you, Cancer, you have the very specific task of being as drunk as possible without anyone noticing. Strategically this means drinking what everyone else is drinking and hoping no one notices that the alcohol is disappearing at an alarming rate. Your best bet this weekend is sticking to wine, preferably white and refreshing. Your mom will be psyched that you showed up to an event and actually brought something to share, and if you do it right she won’t even notice that you took down ¾ of the bottle on your own.
You have one goal and one goal only this weekend, Leo: to not remember anything that happens after the fireworks start. We commend your dedication to blacking out no matter the occasion, and have some ideas of the best way you can do it. Vodka is the answer to all your problems, even the ones that aren’t really problems at all. Easily the most versatile alcohol, you can switch up your drinks throughout the day to avoid getting bored and slowing down; the only constant is that half the cup is the vodka of your choosing. Avoid shots at all cost, less because of taste and more because no one like the girl who shows up and starts throwing back Absolut as if she actually enjoys it.
This weekend is looking scenic for you, Virgo. Odds are you’ll be spending a lot of time in nature, away from the bustle and chaos of a typical 4th of July. This, by no means, allows you to forgo drinking, but more so means that you can relax and drink something luxurious. Before you head off on your weekend adventure, spend some time putting together a really top-notch jug (or three) of sangria. If you’re feeling really wild, make a red and a white: one for day time adventures and the other for relaxing at night under the stars. You’re about to have the most relaxing 4th weekend of all time, so just sit back and sip the night away.
On a hectic weekend like this, Libras need a chill af drink to match their chill af demeanor. As much as I hate to say it, you’re looking at a weekend full of beer. Hopefully that’s your thing. But also, why is that your thing. It’s summertime so why not dive into Corona and lime and worry about things like calories and bloating later? The holidays are meant for over-indulging anyways. Plus, this is a super easy drink to offer to people without seeming weird, meaning you can cozy up to literally anyone at your party. Can you imagine telling your grandkids that you and your husband met over a shared Corona? It’s precious, in a painfully California way.
Scorpios are here this holiday weekend to fuck up your party and drink all your alcohol. That’s it. So instead of worrying about what you’re going to drink, just show up and drink whatever the guest offers. If they don’t offer anything, drink it anyway. Pros of this approach: a cheaper alternative to buying alcohol. Cons: You’re going to be doing a lot of mixing, which won’t bode well for your hangover. But that’s a problem for later you, and present you’s only concern is that your cup is never empty. Go forth and wild out, Scorpio. No one does it better than you.
While Sagittarians can frequently be the life of the party, they’re always riding the fine line of being one drink away from sobbing in the bathroom because they looked up the tree hashtag on Instagram, and like, “nature is just so beautiful” (a true story). To combat this, your only rule for this weekend is to stay as far away from wine as possible. While an excess of any alcohol can set you off, wine is a fast track to tears. Venture off into the land of hard alcohol and party the weekend away without worrying about being that girl.
Capricorns love all types of alcohol, as long as it’s on the rocks. While I may never understand this preference, I respect it. This weekend, don’t stray from what you know. In fact, make it as obvious as possible. Nothing garners respect amongst strangers like the girl casually sipping tequila on the rocks in the corner of the room. You’ll make friends in no time.
It’s really all or nothing with Aquarians when it comes to alcohol. You’re either at a reasonably responsibly (aka boring) two drinks, or you’re a fifth deep and trying to convince everyone that now is a really good time to go skinny dipping. This weekend, lean toward the latter. It’s a holiday! Let that freak flag fly! And do it while drinking questionable amounts of champagne. Start off tame with mimosas and then abandon the notion of juice about halfway through the day. There’s nothing quite like the sophistication and impending migraine of a champagne drunk, which is exactly what America deserves this weekend.
You might have had a more low-key weekend in mind, Pisces, but we’re here to tell you that’s a terrible fucking idea. In this climate, there is only one weekend a year that you get to be unabashedly proud of being an American, and you will not be wasting it on a three day long Netflix binge. Nothing tempts you to dip your toes into the pools of alcoholism like tropical rum based drinks. Drinking rum is like going to a party you didn’t plan on attending, but after a few Mai Tais you’re not only hosting the party, but likely getting kicked out of it at some point. Save the lounging for your inevitable hangover and spend that time cursing America and everything it stands for. So, kind of the way you spend the rest of the year.
Ah, July 4th—a holiday created so that Americans can fondly remember the time they threw off the yoke of tyranny and oppression so they could do whatever the fuck they wanted including ditching British accents, eating hot dogs, and electing a president not at all qualified to do his job.
If you’ve ever been on the internet during or around an American holiday, you’ve seen patriotic cocktails, i.e., red and white and/or blue cocktails making the rounds.
This shit would make an eagle cry tears of joy and George Washington jizz his pants. With July 4th a few days away, and you likely without anything to make for your guests at this year’s fireworks fucktacular, you better get your shit together and make these tributes to those dudes who signed the declaration. We appropriately adapted the following recipes from the American woman’s bible, Cosmopolitan.
-1 ½ oz. berry flavored vodka
-1 oz. sliced strawberries
-3 oz. spiked seltzer
-2 oz. coconut water
Put the strawberries in the bottom of a tall glass. Add ice, vodka, spiked seltzer, and the coconut water. Float some blueberries on top and fuck, it’s America in a glass.
Explosion For America
-¾ oz grenadine
-1 ¼ oz blue curaçao
-1 ½ oz vodka
-1 oz spiked lemonade (like Mike’s or some shit)
Grab a tall-ass glass and pour the grenadine into the bottom. Add ice on top. Super fucking gently pour the curaçao over the grenadine so it lays on top but doesn’t really mix. In a cocktail shaker filled with more ice, combine the vodka and spiked lemonade, then gently strain that mixture over the curacao. If you did it right, you have some really patriotic shit going on.
The Fourth of July is like the unsung hero of drinking holidays in that it comes along in the dead of summer, when the weather is beautiful but I’m still trapped indoors at my 9-to-5 and need to be reminded of my will to live. Preferrably through shots. Furthermore, I wholeheartedly support any holiday that gives me an extra day to
black out focus on me and my needs and also one that encourages a theme. Despite the fact that New York is probably going to be sweltering hot this weekend, I will one hundo percent be decked out in some form of red, white, and blue and be drinking on a packed, sweaty rooftop somewhere in support of this great country that elected an orange man with Polly Pocket hands to run it. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it drink until they forget about it. So here are the bars you should live your best life and black out in on this Fourth of July because, IDK, freedom or something.
1. Mr. Purple (LES)
Ah, my favorite place to go to and forget the fact that I have the same income as my G Little who just graduated from college two weeks ago. If you haven’t been to this bar yet then I feel sad for you and the life you lead because you are missing out on a fun fucking time. It’s boujee AF and located on the roof of a hotel that I’d probs have to sell my eggs on the black market just to be able to afford their cheapest room. The views are the best I’ve seen in NYC and that’s saying a lot because I pride myself on being a person that
is annoying AF on Instagram frequents rooftop bars. Plus in the summer this place gets v exclusive when they open the pool. Basically, it’s the perfect place to debut your new Bad Betch one piece and also feel rich AF.
2. The Standard Beer Garden (Meatpacking)
If you’re looking to day drink with old AF frat bros in khakis then you’re in luck, girlfriend, because this place is the mecca for white dudes looking to reclaim their lost youth. I love it here. Located directly beneath the High Line, it feels tucked away from all the annoying AF tourists walking around (gags) while also keeping the charm of the meatpacking district. It’s a good spot day or night to drink beers that weigh more than my winter body weight and still feel somewhat classy doing it.
3. Night of Joy (Williamsburg)
This place is so blatantly hipster it’s this close to growing a beard. But, like, it’s got a gorgeous rooftop so I guess I’ll ignore the fact that there’s a distinct pretentious douchebaggery to it (or is that sandalwood?) and that every guy at the bar is wearing a smaller jean size than me. And, yes, having a rooftop is the only criteria needed for me to get blackout at an establishment. That and $3 cans of Tecate, which they also have in spades. Praise be. My only advice is that you don’t bring your Urban Outfitters Polaroid camera with you when you go. They won’t think you’re being cute or ironic, they’ll just low-key conspire against serving you at the bar. Which I know from absolutely no personal experience. Just saying. You’ve been warned.
4. The Boat Basin Cafe (UWS)
I know what you’re thinking, the Boat Basin Cafe? Isn’t that, like, upstate? 79th street, but yes, it absolutely is. Just don’t tell the regulars at this bar that, lest you be lectured on the real estate market for park adjacent apartments. But if you’re willing to
make the journey have your sanity tested by off-peak hours MTA service, then you should def hit up the this place. Your eyes will one-hundred-percent be assaulted by a crowd of people in pastels and probs grown men wearing rompers but it’s worth it for the views. The drinks are kind of pricey, but then again can we really put a price on a fire waterfront selfie that will make every boy who follows you on Snapchat jealous? Yes, but only if you’re an ex-Bachelor contestant whoring herself for Instagram ads.
5. Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden (Astoria)
Speaking of places that are far as shit, Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden is located in Queens, which I’ve only ever been to twice and both times involved a sassy Uber driver and the G train. *shudders* BUT it’s still a solid choice for those looking to kill their last remaining brain cells over Independence Day. The indoor section isn’t much to look at, but the outdoor part is ideal for throwing back beers and forgetting that you just aged five years trekking to Queens. Tbh I blacked out the last time I was there (which seems like the point) and I don’t remember much other than that their drunk eats were on point. That feels like reason enough to give this place a(nother) try.
6. Extra Fancy (Williamsburg)
I’ve got two words for you: Frozen. Rosé. ON TAP. And before you start some shit with me about how rosé is on its way out as everyone’s favorite summer beverage, I would just like to say that I will fight this one to the end because anything that’s pink and looks good on my Instagram story will be a drink I choose in this life and every other. Just saying. This place itself is an interesting mix of uptight hipsters and basic bitches like myself who are only there for their Instagram story. That being said, the space is huge and it’s got the whole indoor/outdoor thing going for it in case the weather decides to sabotage your July 4th plans by raining. Also, the drinks are v cheap—$8 for a solo cup of frosé (A SOLO CUP) and $5 for draft beer and wine—so it’s the perfect place for day drinking and getting white girl wasted enough to scare the hipsters back to the Bushwick artist dens they crawled out of.
Hipster: *tries to sell me on some bullshit about not believing in monogamy or labels or capitalism*
7. Pod 39 Rooftop (Murray Hill)
This place is bro-y AF and you know I’m here for it. The vibe is very Cabo with all of its terra cotta columns, Mexican-tiled tables, and a menu full of nothing but tacos, tequila, and bad decisions with a guy who’s tall, dark, and you’re drunk enough for him to be handsome. Also the guy in question is definitely not Mexican but instead someone who says shit like “why can’t they speak just speak the language.” Well we can’t have it all, girls. Aside from the clientele, the view is amazing and the margs are making me want to write a pleasant review on Yelp, which are words I never thought would leave my mouth.
8. The Delancey (LES)
Imagine spending hours willingly ingesting
poison Snake Juice, but instead of doing this in some dingy bar with barely any light and vomit lining the bathroom walls where that behavior is socially acceptable *cough* HAIR OF THE DOG *cough* you’re sitting on a rooftop among white chaise lounges and palm trees. It’s a dangerous combination because on the one hand you’re getting fucked up off of Champagne and vodka that costs more than your internet bill, but on the other hand the setting is making you feel more entitled than Paris Hilton in a tracksuit.
^literally me last Saturday
This place is legit ground zero for drunk texting your ex and picking a fight with your bestie in a public bathroom. It’s really quite lovely. Hit this place up Sunday through Thursday from 5-7pm for happy hour and also if you’re feeling like setting fire to your personal life.
This Tuesday marks the most American holiday of the year, which also means that it marks the most bro holiday of the year. It’s the anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence by the homie TJ (that’s Thomas Jefferson, you idiot) and his frat bros, which ultimately just gave a giant “fuck you” to King George and his entire British colony back in 1776. Yeah, I
Googled know some things.
These days, the 4th of July is a time for “celebration” involving slutty flag attire, 12pm blackouts, and children handling explosives because evidently, America loves to royally fuck things up (K, so it’s not that bad, I’m prob just pissed because Target ran out of flag bikinis). But you’re bound to
get a solid Instagram make tons of memories that you’ll never remember, and that wouldn’t be possible if not for the idiots who help create the entertainment. So here are all the types of people you’ll def come across in the midst of your afternoon hangover this weekend.
1. The Annoying AF “USA” Chanter
Starting to feel that 12pm headache roll in from your last round of Jell-O shots followed by a 2-story beer bong? Yeah, no, you’re better than that. That raging migraine is due to fucking Captain Bromerica parading around in his flag speedo for 4 hours straight yelling shit like “USA” or “‘MURICA” after practically spitting out half his shotgunned beer. He’s also managed to piss off 80% of the party after pushing half the guest list into the pool fully clothed, and don’t even think about challenging his shitty call in that last game of Beer Pong. Plz just go back to college, Dean.
2. The Politically Misinformed Idiot
Before you know it, WWIII is soon to break out in the suburbs of Maple Street because of this moron. The scary thing is, this can either be a singular person or an entire gang of political dipshits in their Make America Great Again hats, who begin drunkenly slurring about the founding fathers during the American Revolution that somehow turned into Trumpcare aka an IRL Facebook rant aka my worst fucking nightmare. We all know how this domino effect pans out. Before you know it, someone gets offended, and people who don’t even want to get involved start shit. Like I literally just made this person up and he’s already pissing me off. Next.
3. The Faux DJ
This dude’s only interaction with a woman all day has been giving his Amazon robot, Alexa, demands to bump “Party in the USA” for the 12th time on repeat. He thinks he’s the most clever motherfucker every time the chorus hits, but in all honesty, everyone’s shit faced at this point, and the song is a certified banger, so whatever. He’ll also play some hits off his own SoundCloud playlist that consists of dubstep, Smash Mouth and Carly Rae Jepsen, so just let him.
4. The Instagram THOTs
I’m not gonna lie to you and tell you that I’ve never been this girl before, but I look great in red and I’ll find any excuse to chug a PBR, so sue me. You’ll never not see a girl attempting to wrap a flag bandana around her boobs while posing with a limited edition American flag Svedka bottle (aka me) on America’s bday. TBH, our founding fathers were prob the biggest group of fuckboys in all the 13 colonies and would prob be proud of the
cleavage effort betches put into their Instagram posts congratulating their hard work a billion years ago.
5. The Uninvited Guest
Also me at like, half the parties I attend. This person somehow managed to tag along from another party and like the savage they are, scooped up an entire plate of barbecued goods without anyone even realizing, or giving a shit for that matter. Honestly though, they don’t even bug anyone that much, because their only social interaction is with whatever’s on their plate—but like, same same.
6. The Grill Master
Every summer BBQ has a grill
Nazi master who literally does nothing but flip burgers while bitching about Trump’s latest tweet in a Kiss the Cook apron. Did I mention he does this all fucking day? The grill master is like your dad taking directions on a family road trip aka he doesn’t. On second thought, he prob is your dad. So don’t even try to order your burger well done or protein-style tofu or whatever your dumb diet doesn’t allow, because it’s either his way or the highway. Then again, I’ll be wasted and in desperate need of food once 3pm rolls around, so fire me up fucking burnt toast for all I care.
7. The S.O. You’ll Never See Again
I’m really not trying to be a pessimist or anything, but if you plan on introducing someone to your friends or family at a BBQ where you know the possibility of a blackout is like 86% or higher, chances are you don’t even care to remember them long after either. Listen, I get that nobody likes to be alone while watching the fireworks, but I’m not about to invest my precious drinking time into some week-long hookup. On second thought, is he good at Flip Cup?
8. The Passed-Out DAB
Honestly, what betch doesn’t love a day filled with drinking, napping, and then eating, in that exact order? The passed-out DAB (Drunk-Ass Bitch) has the brilliant mind to skip all the BS of dumb party games and acting like they love running into half their college class, only to come out of her slumber just in time for a gourmet variety of BBQ meats and an illegal light show. This genius was at her drunken prime at 12pm and managed to take a few good photos before looking like an actual swamp monster. Plus, didn’t we all learned from the queen of DABs herself, Corinne Olympios, that Mr. All American Abraham Lincoln praises the frequent nap? If there’s one thing I learned from my hot American history teacher, it’s that men look sexier with their hair pushed back, but mostly that history always repeats itself!
With America turning another year older, we needed a fucking patriotic cocktail. Actually, scratch that—we needed two. But like, instead of the usual alcohol + fruit/mixer = drunk, we decided to add in our good friend kombucha, who always seems to come through for us in times of
hangover tough shit. You may think the fermented tea tastes a little weird, but this is America, where we experiment with weird vinegar-flavored things and see what alcohol we can add to make it better.
If you shop hard enough, you’ll find plenty of flavored kombuchas which give you the health benefits plus not-gross flavor. So you can get your July 4th party on knowing that you’re like, better than everyone else. And that’s really what’s it’s all about.
– 1 cup blueberries
– 6 oz. white rum
– A bunch of fresh mint
– 2 tsp. sugar
– Juice from 2 limes or like, some bottled stuff if you’re povo
– 6 oz. kombucha — we used LIVE Soda Pomtastic Blueberry because it’s like, blueberry flavored and doesn’t taste like vinegar and feet but still has kombucha goodness
Got all your patriotic shit? Good. Blend or otherwise smash your blueberries, mint, and sugar together until everything is like, relatively smooth. Stir in the lime and rum until everything is niiiiice and mixed. Divide the mixture between two glasses and top the rest with the kombucha. Add some ice and fuck yes, America.
– 1 bottle Champagne or prosecco (as you do)
– 2 bottles berry-flavored kombucha — we used LIVE Refreshing Rhuberry
– 1 ½ cups orange juice
Have you made a mimosa before? Cause like if you haven’t idk why you’re on the site. Probably as a dare. Or you’re a Russian spy. Anywho, grab a big pitcher and combine the Champagne, kombucha, and juice. Stir to combine, pour into glasses, and garnish with berries. Like honestly I shouldn’t have to explain this to you. There’s nothing like a mimosa to kick off a day of explosions and hot dogs for America.
Ah, July 4th: a time in America where our differences are put aside (until we get belligerently drunk) so we can chug beer, wear really questionable American flag attire, listen to Kid Rock, and set things on fire/explode anything in sight as a show of respect for our founding fathers. Navigating a barbecue when it comes to your diet, of course, is nothing if not explosive and dangerous. I mean, how are you supposed to know what’s actually good for you and what will probably make you gain five pounds immediately? We’ve rounded up the five best and five worst foods you’ll see at the barbecue this weekend, so, you’re welcome for ensuring you stay skinny in your American flag bikini.
BEST: 1. Watermelon
Wanna stay hydrated while destroying things in America’s name? Best get you some watermelon. Not only does it have like, zero calories, but it’ll keep you feeling and looking great (see: not bloated) while your brother tries to blow his fingers off with firecrackers.
2. Grilled Chicken Wings
Note all three words in that name—GRILLED being the main one. If your host is throwing wings on the grill, opt for salt and pepper over a dunk in some sauce. It’ll be essentially the same as regular grilled chicken, but you can still feel cute eating it sans the shit on your face and hands.
Our boring friend water saves the day again. Obviously you’ll be wanting to hit up the bar, but chugging a few bottles of water between your snacks and drinks will keep you from diving into the macaroni salad or brownie tray. Plus, setting off fireworks and nearly losing fingers is exhausting, so like, be hydrated.
Shit, there should be platters of those blueberry and strawberry kebabs celebrating the land of our ancestors all over and self-respecting July 4th barbecue. Fill up on all this shit before the real food even comes out since we’re talking super limited calories but lots of fiber. Same rules apply for the crudités plate that’s otherwise getting no love. Take advantage of the situation and load up on the earth’s bounty, bitch.
5. On The Rocks
Skip the beer and the mixed shit and put everything on the rocks if you don’t want to be bloaty and farty on July 5th. Instead of your typical 300-plus-calorie margarita, pour some tequila over ice with a splash of lime (or, if you’re like me, a whole bunch of limes). If you’re feeling rum or vodka, put it over ice with some fruit cubes you can steal from the fruit platter everyone is ignoring. Thomas Jefferson would have done the same shit.
WORST: 1. Fried Chicken
As we said during Memorial Day: Anything that’s coated in buttermilk, flour, butter, and spices and or some combo of that shit and then deep fried isn’t going to do you any favors when you step on the scale tomorrow. We understand that America was totally founded on life, liberty, and the right to be obese, but trust us when we say no one wants to grease dripping down your torso while you’re standing there in a bikini.
2. Potato Salad
Benjamin Franklin wouldn’t have eaten this shit, so you shouldn’t either. If you see a mayo-coated potato salad, just say no. If for some reason you’re
dying to be a fatass craving carbs, eat ONE hamburger bun or like, be annonying and make your host nuke a potato for you in the microwave for 6-8 minutes (the poor man’s baked potato). Potatoes have been on our shit list for a long time, so adding the word “salad” to the end does not make it any better.
The summer barbecue is not the place to show off your shot-gunning skills. Beer will bloat you, obviously. Although, if you need the beer to numb your feelings, opt for a light one. Grab a Coors Light or a Corona over the dark Guinness or Amber Ales. Who TF even brings Guinness to a July 4th party, though? You should call Immigration on them.
I am convinced that ranch was conceived by enemies of AMERICA and given to us in an effort to make everyone so fat that they literally can’t fight a war. Whoever did introduce is winning, too (the south will never rise again). A quarter cup—which you could easily consume if you’re standing and dunking every piece of celery into this shit—weighs in at 220 calories and 22 grams of fat. Ditch this shit immediately.
5. Hot Dogs
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: hot dogs are fucking disgusting and they should not go anywhere near your mouth. They are made up of “poultry trimmings” aka mystery meats and filler plus water and corn syrup. Why is there corn syrup in your dinner meat? These are questions you should never have to ask. On top of that, all those chemicals in hot dogs could give you cancer. Even if you can’t think that long term, all that sodium—a Hebrew National will cost you 1,223 mg, AND THAT’S THE 97% FAT FREE KIND—will definitely make you bloat. I know hot dogs are like, the cornerstone of America, but I think they are also to blame for at least half of all the issues that currently plague our nation. Namely obesity. Just don’t do it.