Ah, July 4th—a holiday created so that Americans can fondly remember the time they threw off the yoke of tyranny and oppression so they could do whatever the fuck they wanted including ditching British accents, eating hot dogs, and electing a president not at all qualified to do his job.

If you’ve ever been on the internet during or around an American holiday, you’ve seen patriotic cocktails, i.e., red and white and/or blue cocktails making the rounds.

This shit would make an eagle cry tears of joy and George Washington jizz his pants. With July 4th a few days away, and you likely without anything to make for your guests at this year’s fireworks fucktacular, you better get your shit together and make these tributes to those dudes who signed the declaration. We appropriately adapted the following recipes from the American woman’s bible, Cosmopolitan.

The American

-1 ½ oz. berry flavored vodka

-1 oz. sliced strawberries

-3 oz. spiked seltzer

-2 oz. coconut water

Put the strawberries in the bottom of a tall glass. Add ice, vodka, spiked seltzer, and the coconut water. Float some blueberries on top and fuck, it’s America in a glass.
 

Explosion For America

-¾ oz grenadine

-1 ¼ oz blue curaçao

-1 ½ oz vodka

-1 oz spiked lemonade (like Mike’s or some shit)

Grab a tall-ass glass and pour the grenadine into the bottom. Add ice on top. Super fucking gently pour the curaçao over the grenadine so it lays on top but doesn’t really mix. In a cocktail shaker filled with more ice, combine the vodka and spiked lemonade, then gently strain that mixture over the curacao. If you did it right, you have some really patriotic shit going on.

This Tuesday marks the most American holiday of the year, which also means that it marks the most bro holiday of the year. It’s the anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence by the homie TJ (that’s Thomas Jefferson, you idiot) and his frat bros, which ultimately just gave a giant “fuck you” to King George and his entire British colony back in 1776. Yeah, I Googled know some things.

These days, the 4th of July is a time for “celebration” involving slutty flag attire, 12pm blackouts, and children handling explosives because evidently, America loves to royally fuck things up (K, so it’s not that bad, I’m prob just pissed because Target ran out of flag bikinis). But you’re bound to get a solid Instagram make tons of memories that you’ll never remember, and that wouldn’t be possible if not for the idiots who help create the entertainment. So here are all the types of people you’ll def come across in the midst of your afternoon hangover this weekend.

1. The Annoying AF “USA” Chanter

Starting to feel that 12pm headache roll in from your last round of Jell-O shots followed by a 2-story beer bong? Yeah, no, you’re better than that. That raging migraine is due to fucking Captain Bromerica parading around in his flag speedo for 4 hours straight yelling shit like “USA” or “‘MURICA” after practically spitting out half his shotgunned beer. He’s also managed to piss off 80% of the party after pushing half the guest list into the pool fully clothed, and don’t even think about challenging his shitty call in that last game of Beer Pong. Plz just go back to college, Dean.

2. The Politically Misinformed Idiot

Before you know it, WWIII is soon to break out in the suburbs of Maple Street because of this moron. The scary thing is, this can either be a singular person or an entire gang of political dipshits in their Make America Great Again hats, who begin drunkenly slurring about the founding fathers during the American Revolution that somehow turned into Trumpcare aka an IRL Facebook rant aka my worst fucking nightmare. We all know how this domino effect pans out. Before you know it, someone gets offended, and people who don’t even want to get involved start shit. Like I literally just made this person up and he’s already pissing me off. Next.

3. The Faux DJ

This dude’s only interaction with a woman all day has been giving his Amazon robot, Alexa, demands to bump “Party in the USA” for the 12th time on repeat. He thinks he’s the most clever motherfucker every time the chorus hits, but in all honesty, everyone’s shit faced at this point, and the song is a certified banger, so whatever. He’ll also play some hits off his own SoundCloud playlist that consists of dubstep, Smash Mouth and Carly Rae Jepsen, so just let him.

4. The Instagram THOTs

I’m not gonna lie to you and tell you that I’ve never been this girl before, but I look great in red and I’ll find any excuse to chug a PBR, so sue me. You’ll never not see a girl attempting to wrap a flag bandana around her boobs while posing with a limited edition American flag Svedka bottle (aka me) on America’s bday. TBH, our founding fathers were prob the biggest group of fuckboys in all the 13 colonies and would prob be proud of the cleavage effort betches put into their Instagram posts congratulating their hard work a billion years ago.

5. The Uninvited Guest

Also me at like, half the parties I attend. This person somehow managed to tag along from another party and like the savage they are, scooped up an entire plate of barbecued goods without anyone even realizing, or giving a shit for that matter. Honestly though, they don’t even bug anyone that much, because their only social interaction is with whatever’s on their plate—but like, same same.

6. The Grill Master

Every summer BBQ has a grill Nazi master who literally does nothing but flip burgers while bitching about Trump’s latest tweet in a Kiss the Cook apron. Did I mention he does this all fucking day? The grill master is like your dad taking directions on a family road trip aka he doesn’t. On second thought, he prob is your dad. So don’t even try to order your burger well done or protein-style tofu or whatever your dumb diet doesn’t allow, because it’s either his way or the highway. Then again, I’ll be wasted and in desperate need of food once 3pm rolls around, so fire me up fucking burnt toast for all I care.

7. The S.O. You’ll Never See Again

I’m really not trying to be a pessimist or anything, but if you plan on introducing someone to your friends or family at a BBQ where you know the possibility of a blackout is like 86% or higher, chances are you don’t even care to remember them long after either. Listen, I get that nobody likes to be alone while watching the fireworks, but I’m not about to invest my precious drinking time into some week-long hookup. On second thought, is he good at Flip Cup?

8. The Passed-Out DAB

Honestly, what betch doesn’t love a day filled with drinking, napping, and then eating, in that exact order? The passed-out DAB (Drunk-Ass Bitch) has the brilliant mind to skip all the BS of dumb party games and acting like they love running into half their college class, only to come out of her slumber just in time for a gourmet variety of BBQ meats and an illegal light show. This genius was at her drunken prime at 12pm and managed to take a few good photos before looking like an actual swamp monster. Plus, didn’t we all learned from the queen of DABs herself, Corinne Olympios, that Mr. All American Abraham Lincoln praises the frequent nap? If there’s one thing I learned from my hot American history teacher, it’s that men look sexier with their hair pushed back, but mostly that history always repeats itself!

With America turning another year older, we needed a fucking patriotic cocktail. Actually, scratch that—we needed two. But like, instead of the usual alcohol + fruit/mixer = drunk, we decided to add in our good friend kombucha, who always seems to come through for us in times of hangover tough shit. You may think the fermented tea tastes a little weird, but this is America, where we experiment with weird vinegar-flavored things and see what alcohol we can add to make it better.

If you shop hard enough, you’ll find plenty of flavored kombuchas which give you the health benefits plus not-gross flavor. So you can get your July 4th party on knowing that you’re like, better than everyone else. And that’s really what’s it’s all about.

Blueberry Mojito

– 1 cup blueberries
– 6 oz. white rum
– A bunch of fresh mint
– 2 tsp. sugar
– Juice from 2 limes or like, some bottled stuff if you’re povo
– 6 oz. kombucha — we used LIVE Soda Pomtastic Blueberry because it’s like, blueberry flavored and doesn’t taste like vinegar and feet but still has kombucha goodness

Got all your patriotic shit? Good. Blend or otherwise smash your blueberries, mint, and sugar together until everything is like, relatively smooth. Stir in the lime and rum until everything is niiiiice and mixed. Divide the mixture between two glasses and top the rest with the kombucha. Add some ice and fuck yes, America.

Kombucha Mimosa

– 1 bottle Champagne or prosecco (as you do)
– 2 bottles berry-flavored kombucha — we used LIVE Refreshing Rhuberry
– 1 ½ cups orange juice

Have you made a mimosa before? Cause like if you haven’t idk why you’re on the site. Probably as a dare. Or you’re a Russian spy. Anywho, grab a big pitcher and combine the Champagne, kombucha, and juice. Stir to combine, pour into glasses, and garnish with berries. Like honestly I shouldn’t have to explain this to you. There’s nothing like a mimosa to kick off a day of explosions and hot dogs for America.

Ah, July 4th: a time in America where our differences are put aside (until we get belligerently drunk) so we can chug beer, wear really questionable American flag attire, listen to Kid Rock, and set things on fire/explode anything in sight as a show of respect for our founding fathers. Navigating a barbecue when it comes to your diet, of course, is nothing if not explosive and dangerous. I mean, how are you supposed to know what’s actually good for you and what will probably make you gain five pounds immediately? We’ve rounded up the five best and five worst foods you’ll see at the barbecue this weekend, so, you’re welcome for ensuring you stay skinny in your American flag bikini.

BEST: 1. Watermelon

Wanna stay hydrated while destroying things in America’s name? Best get you some watermelon. Not only does it have like, zero calories, but it’ll keep you feeling and looking great (see: not bloated) while your brother tries to blow his fingers off with firecrackers.

2. Grilled Chicken Wings

Note all three words in that name—GRILLED being the main one. If your host is throwing wings on the grill, opt for salt and pepper over a dunk in some sauce. It’ll be essentially the same as regular grilled chicken, but you can still feel cute eating it sans the shit on your face and hands.

3. Water

Our boring friend water saves the day again. Obviously you’ll be wanting to hit up the bar, but chugging a few bottles of water between your snacks and drinks will keep you from diving into the macaroni salad or brownie tray. Plus, setting off fireworks and nearly losing fingers is exhausting, so like, be hydrated.

4. Fruit

Shit, there should be platters of those blueberry and strawberry kebabs celebrating the land of our ancestors all over and self-respecting July 4th barbecue. Fill up on all this shit before the real food even comes out since we’re talking super limited calories but lots of fiber. Same rules apply for the crudités plate that’s otherwise getting no love. Take advantage of the situation and load up on the earth’s bounty, bitch.

5. On The Rocks

Skip the beer and the mixed shit and put everything on the rocks if you don’t want to be bloaty and farty on July 5th. Instead of your typical 300-plus-calorie margarita, pour some tequila over ice with a splash of lime (or, if you’re like me, a whole bunch of limes). If you’re feeling rum or vodka, put it over ice with some fruit cubes you can steal from the fruit platter everyone is ignoring. Thomas Jefferson would have done the same shit.

WORST: 1. Fried Chicken

As we said during Memorial Day: Anything that’s coated in buttermilk, flour, butter, and spices and or some combo of that shit and then deep fried isn’t going to do you any favors when you step on the scale tomorrow. We understand that America was totally founded on life, liberty, and the right to be obese, but trust us when we say no one wants to grease dripping down your torso while you’re standing there in a bikini. 

2. Potato Salad

Benjamin Franklin wouldn’t have eaten this shit, so you shouldn’t either. If you see a mayo-coated potato salad, just say no. If for some reason you’re dying to be a fatass craving carbs, eat ONE hamburger bun or like, be annonying and make your host nuke a potato for you in the microwave for 6-8 minutes (the poor man’s baked potato). Potatoes have been on our shit list for a long time, so adding the word “salad” to the end does not make it any better.

3. Beer

The summer barbecue is not the place to show off your shot-gunning skills. Beer will bloat you, obviously. Although, if you need the beer to numb your feelings, opt for a light one. Grab a Coors Light or a Corona over the dark Guinness or Amber Ales. Who TF even brings Guinness to a July 4th party, though? You should call Immigration on them.

4. Ranch

I am convinced that ranch was conceived by enemies of AMERICA and given to us in an effort to make everyone so fat that they literally can’t fight a war. Whoever did introduce is winning, too (the south will never rise again). A quarter cup—which you could easily consume if you’re standing and dunking every piece of celery into this shit—weighs in at 220 calories and 22 grams of fat. Ditch this shit immediately.

5. Hot Dogs

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: hot dogs are fucking disgusting and they should not go anywhere near your mouth. They are made up of “poultry trimmings” aka mystery meats and filler plus water and corn syrup. Why is there corn syrup in your dinner meat? These are questions you should never have to ask. On top of that, all those chemicals in hot dogs could give you cancer. Even if you can’t think that long term, all that sodium—a Hebrew National will cost you 1,223 mg, AND THAT’S THE 97% FAT FREE KIND—will definitely make you bloat. I know hot dogs are like, the cornerstone of America, but I think they are also to blame for at least half of all the issues that currently plague our nation. Namely obesity. Just don’t do it.

I know the drill. You’ve got a bunch of 4th of July BBQs to attend, and you want to bring something that will really wow people because you want to distract everyone from your lack of a summer body/want to impress Brad/I don’t really care why tbh. Well, I’ve got something that will be sure to impress (and get you wasted): red, white, and blue Jell-O shots. It’s what our founding fathers would have wanted.

Brace yourselves: this post is long. Mostly because I don’t have faith in anybody to not fuck this up.

Ingredients

• 3 boxes of Jell-O: 1 blue raspberry, 1 of any red flavor (cherry, strawberry, raspberry, IDGAF), and 1 clear* (more boxes if you want to make more than, like, 30 shots in total. Warning you now: one box of Jell-O doesn’t get you very far. If this is a big party you may want to double the recipe).
• 1 handle of vodka—If you buy the shitty vodka that comes in a plastic bottle, PEOPLE CAN TELL. No need to ball out, though—stick with Smirnoff and you’ll be fine.
• 3 juices that correspond to each different color of Jell-O that you bought, i.e., blue V8 for the blue, red fruit punch for the red, and just like, Sprite or some shit for the clear. IDK, something clear and somewhat flavorful. The clear ones are going to come out rough—deal with it. Note: DO NOT USE HAWAIIAN PUNCH. That shit is disgusting. It will botch your Jell-O shots. I would know; I’ve done it before.
• 2 pots *said in the 2Chainz voice* …actually I lied you only really need 1 pot; I just wanted to make that joke.
• Those little Dixie cups kids use to brush their teeth with OR those paper ketchup cups OR disposable shot glasses OR whatever you can find. Basically you just need a small plastic cup-like structure that’s not too rigid or else no one will be able to squeeze the shots into their mouth. Be creative. I’ve used mini cupcake molds in a dire situation. It really doesn’t fucking matter.

*clear Jell-O is hard to find but I promise it exists.

Finding all this shit may be hard, but the good news is making Jell-O is so easy, even a caveman you can do it. I’m prefacing this by saying that these aren’t regular Jell-O shots; they’re good Jell-O shots. I know this because I am honestly kind of famous for these things. I’m sort of an urban legend. But anyway, I can’t believe I’m about to do this, but I’ll tell you my secret.

So when you make regular, non-alcoholic Jell-O, you mix 1 cup of hot water with 1 cup of cold water and then the mix. Easy. Now, most idiots making Jell-O shots just sub out the cold water for their liquor of choice and call it a day. WRONG. That is how your Jell-O shots come out tasting like rubbing alcohol and regret. SO LISTEN TO ME CAREFULLY. For Jell-O shots that will taste delicious and still get you fucked up, you still replace the cold water with the alcohol, but you also REPLACE THE CUP OF HOT WATER WITH ONE CUP OF JUICE.

This is why you can’t be choosing flavors all willy-nilly. You have to put some thought into it. Maybe buy more packets of Jell-O than you need in case you fuck up the flavor profiles. Can you tell I take this way too seriously?

And now I will no longer be invited to parties since I gave away my long sought-after recipe. JK, I’ll still get invited because I’m a fucking good time. But anyway, for those of you who lack the powers of deductive reasoning, here’s your step-by-step guide to making these patriotic Jell-O shots. Please note, these are not for the layered Jell-O shots pictured above, but for red and white and blue ones. As in, separate colors, separate cups. I’ll get to the fancy shit in a sec.

1. Get your pot. Measure 1 cup of juice. Pour into pot. Put it on the stove on low heat, and when that shit starts to boil, stir in your Jell-O mix until it’s dissolved. This should take like, 2 minutes (btw this is all on the box in case you forget).

2. Once it’s dissolved, remove the pot from heat. Measure your 1 cup of vodka and pour it in the Jell-O/juice mix. Stir.

3. Pour that shit into your cups. Put it all in the fridge. Wait like, 5 hours.

4. Rinse and repeat (like literally rinse the pot) 2 more times.

TA-DA!

If you want to get really fancy, you can do three-layered Jell-O shots, like so:

It’s the same as above, only when you pour the first layer of mix into the cups, only fill it like 1/3 of the way, fucking duh. Then—and this is the important part—you need to wait for each individual layer to solidify a little before you pour the next layer on top of it, which—double important part—NEEDS TO BE COOL. NOT HOT. Basically, if you try to pour hot Jell-O over not-gelled-Jell-O, instead of a nice layering effect, everything will all melt and mix together and you’ll have a gross brown (or purple?) mixture. Ew.

I can feel that I just overcomplicated things. Know what? Let’s leave the layering to the professionals. Aka, me.

It’s officially summer in NYC and I know this not because I’ve been outside doing things in this beautiful weather but because I’ve been living vicariously through people and their rooftop Snapchats while I continue to binge watch Schitt’s Creek. That and I can legit smell the tanning oil from my windowless cell office. And with summer being in full swing, so too are the Instagram thots. It’s like every summer they find new and creative ways to test my limit for extraness sanity with their Instagram photos. Pool floats for summer? Groundbreaking. Slutty one piece? Girl, you are a fucking trendsetter. Just once I’d like to see some originality something that wasn’t pinned on their summer mood board first. Sighs. That being said, there are some summer trends that are better than others. As in, some that are v betchy and will earn you a coveted like from my Instagram account of less than 500 followers (coveted, I tell you) and some that will make me internally scream while scrolling through my feed.

Since July 4th is rapidly approaching I thought I’d take a moment to educate the masses on what trendy summer items you should not fucking bring to your Fourth of July Instagrams plans, lest you be shamed in my group chat later. *takes deep, calming breath* K, let’s get started shall we?

1. Pool Floats

If I see one more girl Bambi posing on a plastic donut in the world’s most beautiful pool (side note: where are you finding these pools?? I can barely find a tree in my neighborhood and you’re finding pools?) talking about how much she loves to eat donuts I will lose my goddamn mind. This is one trend that I cannot WAIT to see go. The feeling I get when I see this trend is how I felt when unicorn frappuccinos made their blasphemous debut on the coffee scene and I started suffering from rage blackouts wanted to report everyone on my newsfeed sporting one of those monstrosities to Instagram HQ for being personally offensive to me. Or, like, whenever Ariel Winter posts on her IG. Case in point:

Me:

It’s just like that. I’m assuming these girls think that by lounging on an inflatable slice of pizza it makes them look fun and quirky like they’ve eaten a slice of pizza. But the only girls I see posting these #DonutGiveAF Instas (clever) are people with two percent body fat. Like, let’s be honest here, Courtney (I’m assuming someone who lounges on a donut float has a name like Courtney). You have a membership to SoulCycle that you actually use and you haven’t so much as sniffed a carb since 2012. I’m not buying your bullshit, BYE. Suffice it to say, pool floats are done, they’re over. It’s time we get more creative with our poolside Instagrams, thx.

2. Boho Flash Tats

Boho flash tats aka a way for basic bitches to feel edgy because nothing says “I’m hard core” like a rose gold arrow pointing to your side boob.  

Tbh I was into flash tats once upon a time but then I realized I don’t have daddy issues and it was time to retire them. Like, unless you’re at a bachelorette party wearing a shirt that lets everyone within a 20-foot vicinity know you’re single and alone a bridesmaid OR doing casual drugs at a music festival then it’s unacceptable to wear that shit in public. Seriously, if I see you wearing a gold tribal tattoo at a rooftop next Tuesday you’ll 100% end up as internet fodder. You know, assuming I’m not blackout. It’s 50/50 at this point so may the odds be ever in your favor.

3. Rosé

It hurts me to say this, but apparently rosé is done. It’s canceled. People went batshit with my favorite summer beverage and started buying it in six pack cans *shudders* and wearing it as a deodorant and now we have to put a stop to this shit. Lord, Jesus, why must you test me? I haven’t been this disappointed since Mikala and Cameron broke up on Are You The One? So basically I’m devastated. But like the jean skirt that I refused to throw away and that has been waiting in the wings sitting in my closet for the last eight years, I’ll be ready and waiting for its triumphant comeback. Just like the jean skirt. Which I am currently wearing.

4. Small Round Sunnies

If I catch you sporting small round sunnies at the beach this Fourth of July you are immediately moving to my shit list. And by shit list I mean the savage group Snapchat I’m a part of, duh. I mean, I’m sorry but are you Vanessa Hudgens a Disney star desperate for followers? Is “trendsetter” listed as your career on your resume? No? Then take that shit off. It’s not that this is a particularly heinous look or anything, but it’s just that while you might think you look like Selena Gomez in a FIRE music video you’re really sending off Elton John-in-his-prime vibes.

5. Retro High Waisted Bikini Bottoms

One pieces have officially replaced high waisted bikini bottoms as the summer swimsuit of choice and thank fucking god for that. Tbh I always thought those things just looked like giant diapers on people. I get that it’s supposed to cover your problem areas or whatever but you know what else covers up those insecurities? Alcohol. It’s a tried and true solution and idk why we stopped using it in the first place. So leave the high waisted swimsuit bottoms in your mother’s closet along with the mom jeans and ironic bowling shirts that all the hipsters are trying to make happen. Next.

6. Polaroid Cameras

You can blame Taylor Swift for ruining this one for us all, along with Tom Hiddleson and her Fourth of July bash (or as she calls it, #taymerica… #killme). Polaroid cameras used to make your shitty rooftop in your shitty apartment in Brooklyn look less like “a scene out of Divergent” (a direct quote from a friend of mine who lives a v mature life in the Upper West Side) and more like a cool, eclectic place to live. As if your salary could support you living literally anywhere else. *sips wine* But then Taylor Swift came on the scene and took a beautiful thing and cheapened it. Suddenly what made you cool and unique is now something 14-year-old girls use to document their trips to the mall. And this is why we can’t have nice things. Tbh it’s probably for the better because anytime I see a Polaroid I’m reminded of this:

Ugh. Now, if you need me I’m just going to be living my best summer life vicariously through Instagram. Kisses!