Raise your hand if you’re ready to kill your quarantine partner! As my mother reads this over my shoulder and slowly raises her hand next to me, I assume many of you are experiencing the same thing. It’s hard being locked in the house for months with no end in sight. But you know who it is especially hard for? Essential workers. Kidding! Celebrities. It’s hard for celebrities. Because they’re not used to spending endless amounts of time with their spouse in a 15,000 square foot house close quarters without assistants, nannies, and other peasants as a buffer. And the cracks are showing. In the last few weeks, we’ve already had divorce and breakup announcements from Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler, Mary-Kate Olsen and That Old French Dude, Ashley Benson and Cara Delevigne, and Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green. And I don’t think we’ve seen the end of it yet *cue evil laugh*. So which couples do I predict will also fall victim to the quarantine curse? Read on for the questionable evidence!
Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom
I know, I know, they’re having a baby, I’m so mean. And while, yes, quarantine has definitely made me meaner (turns out it was possible!) hear me out. Even before these two announced that a little baby was Blooming (turns out I’m hackier in quarantine, too!) they had their issues. Katy and Orlando broke up in 2017, saying they were taking “respectful, loving space”. Ick. They’re totally the kind of people that say “make love”, aren’t they? Then they got back together, got engaged, and then there were rumblings that they postponed their wedding. And even after they revealed Katy was pregnant, Katy herself told Ryan Seacrest that they tend to fight a lot!
Now, they’re having problems in lockdown. The article claims that Orlando is having trouble controlling his partying, doesn’t like being tied down, and keeps reminiscing about the old days. Orlando. You are 43. Your knees crack everytime you walk down some stairs. If ever there was a time to get tied down, it’s now! And also, where are you partying in this pandemic?
I’ve always felt like these two were on rocky ground, and the fact that Orlando reportedly doesn’t want to settle down pretty much convinces me they’re going to break up. But to be honest, the fact that he’s friends with Leonardo DiCaprio really should have been a red flag that smacked Katy across the face from the start. I’m sorry to say that these two are probably going to announce they’re over soon, but if it’s any consolation, Katy, I thought “Daisies” was a great song.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West
It’s no secret I’ve never believed these two were a real couple. Much like Kim’s face, entire body, and personality, I’ve always maintained this relationship was engineered in a lab for maximum attention. And boy, has it worked. But for the purposes of this article, fine, I’ll bite. Kim and Kanye have been together since 2012 and have four kids together, even though I’m pretty sure everybody forgets about Psalm, right? Kimye have had their ups and downs, but now that they’re quarantined together they are arguing a lot. According to US Weekly, Kanye doesn’t help with the kids and is busy “creating”. I’m sure we’ll be blessed with a new $250 pair of spandex bike shorts with holes on the butt cheeks any day now! Now sources are saying Kim wants her space, and is trying to keep her family together for her kids’ sake. This is definitely all true information not fed through a fake source, and I feel really bad for her!
So will they break up? Lol, no. They just don’t want us to forget they exist while we’re all binge watching season two of Dead to Me. Fine, Kim. Here I am, paying attention. Are you happy now?
Julianne Hough and Brooks Laich
I really don’t care about these two, but for some reason the limit does not exist on stories about their rocky relationship. I’m serious. Over the past six months, there have probably been 50 articles about their sex life, their fights, if they’re together, if they’re not together, and MY GOD just give me your diary already Julianne, so I can read it aloud and be done with it. And now, they are reportedly “fighting for their relationship.” Because apparently COVID-19 wasn’t torment enough on its own, we also must be punished with even more say-nothing stories about two D-listers’ relationship. And that’s how I know the world is ending.
Anyway, Julianne and Brooks are not even in quarantine together even though they have “so much love” for one another. Girl, if you can’t even stand to be in the same STATE as him during a global pandemic, and haven’t posted a pic of him on IG in nearly a year, then I think it’s time to call it. No need to shove more stories down my throat fight for the relationship. Once lockdown is over and these two can muster up the strength to briefly put aside the obvious disgust they feel for one another so they can break up in person, it’s over.
Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard
This one hurts. I love Kristen Bell. I watched Veronica Mars back when it was on UPN, so you know I’m loyal. And Dax is one of the Bravermans! I all-around love this couple, and I don’t even say that about my own parents. So when I read that Kristen told Katie Couric that she and Dax are “at each other’s throats” and “find each other revolting,” I was devastated. Devastated, but also impressed by how clearly Kristen understands my feelings about every man after they express any interest in me. It really is revolting. But that’s why I’m not married!
While I appreciate the fact that Kristen and Dax are being honest with us, I don’t like that it gives me tummy problems. Don’t we have enough to worry about right now? I’m praying that they keep it together long enough for us to get sprung from the bad place so they can each take a nice, individual spa weekend and regroup.
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle
Okay, so I have no evidence that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are going to break up. But I had to pick one wild card. I mean, I don’t think anyone had any idea Mary-Kate and That Old French Dude were going to break up, and then BOOM! Papers filed! And if anyone is able to keep their sh*t on lock as well as the Olsen twins, it’s the (former) royals. They would totally do a surprise divorce announcement, so I’m shooting my shot on this one. Plus, I’m giddy just thinking about all the gossip that would come out of it. And even though I don’t actually have any hard evidence, as I said to the judge when I was disputing my speeding ticket, this isn’t a real court so that doesn’t matter.
And that’s not to say it’s not possible. Think about it. Harry and Meghan moved to LA at the very beginning of quarantine. Moving to a new city is hard enough even when you’re not in the middle of a pandemic. And now he can’t even get the goat cheese balls at SUR! How depressing. Plus, there’s the added pressure of a toddler, and the fact that his family is sh*t talking him to all the tabloids in London, and I bet he has to drink a lot of kale smoothies now. Will this all result in a blowout fight that will break up our ginger prince and his American princess? I hope so, if only for the bragging rights.
Those are the celebrity couples that I think are going to bite the dust! I hope that you all are handling quarantine better than they are, and if you don’t hear from me again, my mother most definitely fed me to her dog.
Images: Tinseltown / Shutterstock.com; katyperry, kristenanniebell, kimkardashian, juleshough, meghanmarkle_official/Instagram
UPDATE: We’ve already seen our fair share of celebrity quarantine breakups, but this latest one is probably the least surprising. On Friday, Julianne Hough and Brooks Laich announced they’re separating after nearly three years of marriage. After a solid three months of news ranging from stressful to horrifying, finally something we all predicted!
As we discussed before, Julianne and Brooks have been social distancing hundreds of miles from each other, and they confirmed their separation in a joint statement to People: “We have lovingly and carefully taken the time we have needed to arrive at our decision to separate. We share an abundance of love and respect for one another and will continue to lead with our hearts from that place. We kindly request your compassion and respect for our privacy moving forward.”
This is a pretty run-of-the-mill separation announcement for a relationship with as many messy tabloid headlines as this one, but it’s not surprising. When will one of these celeb couples cut the “lovingly and carefully” bullsh*t and just tell us that they hate each other? Sorry, but no one “lovingly” decides that they never want to see their husband again. And we’ll see how long the privacy stuff lasts once Brooks needs something to talk about on his podcast.
A source tells People that “it’s been over for a while” (no sh*t), and that they don’t hate each other, but they finally “they are not meant to go through their lives as husband and wife to each other.” Again, no sh*t. It’s felt like it’s over between Jules and Brooks for a while, and now we just have confirmation. Now that they’re separated, with a divorce likely on the horizon, we probably have two more good years of wild tabloid headlines to look forward to. Lucky us!
For the most part, the last couple months of quarantining have been pretty boring. The news is depressing AF, and with nowhere to go, we’re all just bored in the house. But the silver lining of quarantine has been getting a glimpse into some very interesting celebrity arrangements. We’ve seen lots of new couples getting more serious, but in the case of Julianne Hough and Brooks Laich, an already questionable marriage dynamic has become wildly messy.
Julianne and Brooks got married in 2017, and honestly, I never gave them the time of day. Hockey dude married to ballroom dancer-turned-fitness guru? Thanks, I’m good. But since the beginning of this year, their marriage has been a hot tabloid topic, and I’m officially fascinated. It’s still unclear exactly what’s going on here long-term, but I’ll do my best to unpack what’s been happening lately.
At the beginning of January, Us Weekly and People both reported that Julianne and Brooks were going through some marital issues. People quoted two sources close to the couple, who said that they had “been having problems for months,” but “are not giving up.” The same day, an “insider” told Us Weekly that the couple had issues in December, adding that “Everyone knows something is up.” Drama! Considering that the two biggest tabloids reported this the same day, it wouldn’t shock me if it was an intentional leak, but either way, things didn’t seem great. Around this time, Julianne was seen without her wedding ring several times, including while hosting NBC’s New Year’s special, so these sources just added fuel to the fire that there were issues between the two.
The day after the tabloid stories broke, Hough and Laich were photographed hugging, so we know they weren’t like, not speaking. A couple weeks later, Laich shared on his podcast (which he cohosts with Gavin DeGraw) that his 2020 goal was to learn more about his sexuality. He added that he doesn’t feel “100 percent fully expressed in true sexuality” with Julianne, which feels like a sh*tty thing to say about your wife to the audience of your podcast. Brooks, my man, bring that energy to couples therapy!
A few days later in an Instagram post, Brooks said that his new motto is “But First, Happiness.” Wow, the “but first, coffee” crowd on Etsy is shook. In the post’s lengthy caption, he said a whole lot of nothing, about how “I’m redefining my priorities, and putting happiness at the forefront. I’m making changes to my daily routine, and prioritizing the things that bring me the most joy.” Okay, are we talking like, doing the dishes as you cook, or leaving your wife? Brooks, this is vague AF.
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My new motto. Lately I’ve been re-assessing many things in my life, and one of the most important things I’ve been looking at is how I spend my time every day. I’m redefining my priorities, and putting happiness at the forefront. I’m making changes to my daily routine, and prioritizing the things that bring me the most joy. Everything else lines up behind those. This is the first week of this new approach, and so far I’m absolutely loving it! I’m gonna play with it some more, dial it in, and then share with you what my day looks like. I’m sharing this with you to encourage you to assess your life, how you are spending your time, and what you are prioritizing daily. Do you wake up with a “to-do” list every morning, or do you wake up and do things that bring you complete and utter happiness? I would love to hear your thoughts on this as it pertains to your life, please share them with me below! 🤟💯 #happiness
I’ve never really paid much attention to Brooks Laich before, but I’m getting the vibe that he and I would not get along. I can’t stand people who speak like this, and it all just feels fake to me.
After this rough patch at the beginning of the year, things seemed to be back on track last month. On March 21st, People reported that the two were social distancing together at home, and their source said things seemed to be going better in their marriage: “They actually seem to have figured out how they can stay married. Both have had to make changes, Brooks especially so.” BROOKS ESPECIALLY SO. That is shady as f*ck, and I love it. Why do I feel like this quote is coming directly from Julianne?
But the alleged quarantine bliss didn’t last too long. Around the first week of April, Brooks relocated to his home in Idaho, ignoring the fact that it’s like, very uncool to travel right now. Then, on April 16th, Julianne Hough was seen walking with actor Ben Barnes, because why not get a new quarantine bae once your husband peaces out to Idaho? The next day, a source told Us Weekly yet again that the couple were “not doing well” in their marriage. Yeah, I could’ve guessed from the fact that Brooks literally left in the middle of a pandemic, and then Julianne was seen hanging out with another dude.
Last week, both Julianne and Brooks were eager to share how great their separate quarantines were going. On another episode of his podcast, Brooks talked about how he loves spending more time in Idaho, where he can spend time in nature and just like, chill. He also talked about having “a buddy that I can go hunting with,” which doesn’t sound like an essential outing to me, but I don’t have time to dwell on that. On the same day, Julianne told Oprah Magazine that she and Brooks “are doing our separate things right now,” and that her time alone in LA has been “magical”. I’m just gonna call bullsh*t, because I really don’t believe that these last two months have been magical for anyone. Peaceful? Maybe. Insightful? Fine. But no one is living their best life right now, I’m just not buying it.
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Then, on this week’s episode of his podcast, Brooks talked about his quarantine situation again, this time sharing that his sex drive has been low since he’s been in Idaho: “It’s all Idaho bush, I’m cutting down trees, clearing brush. After that, I took supper and I make a fire and then I’m wiped out, I really don’t have a sexual charge, I’m so wiped out. During this quarantine time, I’m not in the proximity to my wife. I’m not in the same room with her, and with what I’m doing here, that my sex drive wouldn’t be at its peak.”
Why, truly why, is this something that we’re talking about? I know I’m the one writing this article, but I really don’t need to be thinking about Brooks Laich’s sex drive. If you’re alone during the quarantine and somehow not horny, that’s great for you, but you don’t have to rub it in. Some of us are SUFFERING. Also, is he clearing a forest up there in Idaho? Why is there so much yard work to do?
Sex drive problems aside, I don’t see this marriage suddenly working itself out once quarantine is over. Especially with the travel restrictions in place, now would be as good a time as any to stay in the same place and actually get to the bottom of your issues. Instead, Julianne and Brooks are hundreds of miles apart, and according to them, they couldn’t be happier with this arrangement. I’m no relationship expert, but it might be time for these two to cut their losses. At the very least, that would give Brooks another year’s worth of sh*t to talk about on his podcast. Do I… do I need to be listening to this podcast? If we’re in quarantine for another month, I just might have to.
Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; brookslaich / Instagram
When using social media, there are always risks associated with privacy and security. Normally, I just assume that the government and/or the Russians already have whatever information they want about me, but some people are a lot more paranoid. If that’s you, then you’re probably already aware of how many people have been hacked on Instagram and Twitter in the last couple weeks.
The first prominent hacking that I noticed was Shep Rose, one of the stars of Bravo’s Southern Charm. Last Monday night, a series of messages were posted on his Instagram about how he was “stuck” in California and desperately needed someone to send him money. The posts claimed that his bank account was frozen, and that he didn’t even have a phone (not sure how he would’ve been posting Instagram stories without a phone, but okay).
This obviously turned out not to be real, but it didn’t stop some people from being freaked out by the posts. It’s unclear if anyone actually sent money to whoever hacked the account, but Shep posted a message thanking everyone who was concerned he was actually in danger. In particular, the thanked a few of his fellow Southern Charm cast members, and honestly, it makes sense that some of these clowns would fall for a scam like this. Southern Charm is so entertaining, but they’re not all the sharpest tools in the shed.
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So my Instagram was hacked last night. It’s caused a lot of stress for me and those of you that were understandingly worried about me. As much as the experience sucked, in a strange way it’s been humbling and eye opening to feel the love and concern from everyone. Thanks to those who reached out and sorry that this con man invaded our lives. ? especially sorry to @camwimberly1 @wsudlersmith @caconover And a handful of others. They were the most worried. Love you All! #closebuddies1 was strangely unconcerned ? ☺️(that’s a text chain of friends from way back) also a big thanks to @instagram for helping retrieve my account ?. And @amandaplong and @bravotv digital department
Then, as you might have heard already, last Wednesday the Betches Instagram got hacked. It happened in the middle of the night, but thankfully we have multiple insomniacs in our office, so it was handled by 9am. Still, it was pretty stressful, and at least a few people fell for it, downloaded some app, and played a solitaire game thinking they were about to win a Tesla. Sorry to disappoint, but Betches is not giving out a Tesla, or a thousand iPhones, so don’t hold your breath.
Clearly, whatever hacker got a hold of our Instagram account is talented, because the exact same thing is happening to Julianne Hough as we speak. It’s the exact same ugly blue, red, and orange writing, and the disgustingly orange story slides promising millions of dollars worth of giveaways. Julianne tweeted acknowledging the hack, but as of right now the posts are still up on her page. Hopefully she gets back into her account soon, because as we’ve seen before, there are definitely people who will fall for this.
While desperate pleas for money and scammy electronics giveaways aren’t ideal, the award for worst Instagram hacking definitely goes to Jessica Alba. Poor Jessica Alba. Honestly, I feel so bad for her. Over the weekend, her account was hacked by someone who is obviously a complete loser, and they posted over a dozen horribly offensive tweets. From claiming that “Nazi Germany did nothing wrong,” to many uses of the N-word, to claiming that handicapped people were “behind 9/11,” it was BAD.
JESSICA ALBA GETTING HACKED IS THE MOST UNPRECEDENTED EVENT OF 2019 pic.twitter.com/LvilxNNWD0
— im baby (@Hegg99) July 28, 2019
Thankfully, all of those gross tweets have been taken down now, but Jessica hasn’t actually addressed the hack. I’m sure she was low-key traumatized, I mean, imagine waking up and seeing a bunch of notifications and then realizing that THIS is what it’s about. Distressing, to say the least. I feel like she definitely should address the hack given the offensive nature of the tweets, but either way I feel sorry that this happened to her.
The bottom line is that there are lots of scammers out there in the world, and people get hacked all the time, but it seems strange that all of these high-profile accounts have been hacked in the past week. I guess this is a good reminder to change your passwords and not just make them your birthday or your dog’s name, not that I would ever do something like that.
Images: Shutterstock; relationshep (2), juleshough / Instagram; Hegg99 / Twitter