We’re all still reeling from last night’s shitshow of a Bachelor finale, and it’s going to take a while before I’m physically and emotionally ready to do anything productive. Today I’m coping with the trauma by spending hours on Twitter, trying to keep track of exactly what everyone else’s reactions were. We already broke down what Bekah M. had to say about Arie being a literal garbage human, but just like America, Bachelor nation is a land full of many diverse viewpoints, which means there are lots of white dudes with something to say.
Past Bachelors, this is the moment we will judge you for. We already had to suffer through Becca being dragged through the mud in front of a TV camera crew, so please be decent humans and don’t let us down. You already know this is far too much to ask from a group of 21 white men (and one Latino guy) who are best known for appearing on a reality show, but there’s nothing wrong with dreaming. Let’s take a look at which of the past Bachelors can still sit with us, and which ones can promptly fuck right off. And fuck Chris Harrison, I just need to say it before I forget.
How did this breakup end up on camera? Seems like a private conversation. We don’t belong in this conversation….but im still watching #TheBachelor
— Benjamin Higgins (@benhiggi) March 6, 2018
Good job Ben, these are exactly our thoughts. There shouldn’t have been cameras, but I’m not going to turn off my TV and miss out on all the drama. I relate, because I am completely hopeless when it comes to minding my own business. If you’re not trying to find out everything about everyone else’s lives, wtf are you doing with your time? Ben definitely wasn’t perfect in his time as the Bachelor, but he’s also not the worst.
— Benjamin Higgins (@benhiggi) March 6, 2018
Ben!! You were doing so well with that last tweet, but no honey. First of all, as a little refresher, Jason Mesnick was the infamous Bachelor who proposed to Melissa, then changed his mind, broke up with her ON LIVE FUCKING TV, and got back with Molly instead. (That relationship didn’t work out either, probably because Jason is trash.) No Jason, YOU ARE NEVER OFF THE HOOK!!!!!!! Seriously, Jason is at least as bad as Arie, and maybe worse because he did it on live TV. Ben isn’t nearly as major of an offender, but like, stop aligning yourself with this trash bag.
Waow… Feel bad for HIM, People STILL don’t understand that we SPEND only like 40 hours total with EACH of the final 3 contestants. ????????♂️ https://t.co/nThmqjb3pF
— Juan Pablo Galavis™ (@JuanPaGalavis) March 6, 2018
We always knew Juan Pablo was the human equivalent of gas station sushi, and he just keeps proving us right. Yeah, I understand that it’s like super tough that you have to date soooo many women who are all super into you, and it’s so shitty that you only get to pick one at the end, but you know what you’re signing up for. Juan Pablo was very vocal in his support of Arie, but offered zero support to Becca, because this is definitely all easier for her. Okay, yeah, great, I’m gonna go scream into a pillow. Adios Juan Pablo, you’re canceled.
This is like watching OJ’s white bronco in 1994. #thebachelor
— Ben Flajnik (@BenFlajnik) March 6, 2018
Ben Flajnik is one of the more irrelevant Bachelors in recent memory, but this OJ Simpson analogy is low-key perfect. This entire situation was a fucking mess, but my eyes were glued to the TV. Also, if you don’t get this reference, go watch American Crime Story. You’ll like it, it’s sweet.
I don’t like this one bit. Shouldn’t have filmed. #thebachelor
— Sean Lowe (@SeanLowe09) March 6, 2018
Ah, Sean Lowe. One of the few Bachelor men who’s still with his winning pick, and also one of the few who isn’t just mostly trash. Sean is out here working hard to make the men of The Bachelor not look like a raging dumpster fire of testosterone, but it’s too big of a job for just one person to do. Still, it’s admirable. We see you, and we value you. Truly a voice of reason among a bunch of dudes with shitty opinions.
Make it stop. #thebachelor
— Sean Lowe (@SeanLowe09) March 6, 2018
Yes. This. Make it stop, please. I need to stop thinking about this fucking breakup scene, because I’m simultaneously so angry and so obsessed. I will never forgive Arie, mostly for what he did to Becca, but also for turning me into a monster who can’t think about anything else. This has truly been a garbage season to top all previous garbage seasons, and I don’t know if I’ll ever watch again (jk see y’all this summer). Thank you Sean for the admirable tweeting, but fuck this show.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say the last 7 seasons of The Bachelor/Bachelorette are all tied for the most dramatic season ever. Right, Chris Harrison? But some of these seasons were shittier than others. I’m looking right at you, Nick Viall. In case you forgot which season rocked and which ones sucked in recent history, we’ve conveniently ranked them for you. You’re welcome. Let’s reminisce on all the mediocre times, shall we?
7. Nick Viall
No one is fucking surprised Nick’s season sucked. You know it. I know it. We all know it. The big mistake show runners made in creating this season was casting the clogged drain of humans, Nick Viall. Did they have a check list of shitty qualities they wanted in a person? Like, who is the most dumpable, lispy, awkward guy we can think of and let’s just cast him. For fuck’s sake. The only thing good about the season, really, was Corinne and even she couldn’t turn this sinking ship around.
6. Juan Pablo
Juan Pablo was the wooooorrst. Well, in this case, the second worst. I feel like he gets points for mostly sticking to the show’s format and not making his dates go to the fucking North Pole to impress him. Juan Pablo was a dick, but at least he was bangable. If you’re saying you wouldn’t hit it, you’re lying. Just put a bag over his head so you don’t have to listen to him talk. He also loses points for being homophobic. Didn’t he mouth off about how gay people weren’t real people or some shit? Yikes. Hard pass.
5. Andi Dorfman
I dropped Andi on this list because girl has some questionable judgement. First of all, she let Nick into her final two and had sex with him. Andi basically got us all into this whole mess in the first place. She also picked Josh who was definitely a douche/potential sociopath. I mean, look at him. I feel like The Bachelorette is generally less dramatic than The Bachelor (i.e. less fun to watch) because dudes don’t know how to fully whip out their crazy like a group of ladies can (did I just set feminism back 50 years?), but Nick and Josh had some good arguments. Nick also called Andi out for sleeping with him and then dumping him. I mean, that was slut shaming at its finest, but it made for good TV.
4. Kaitlin Bristowe
On Kaitlin’s season of The Bachelorette they did that weird thing where they made the dudes pick between her and another chick for the right to be the Bachelorette on the first night of the show. Awkward, yet, still interesting. Kaitlin also banged Nick. Is he charming or something when he isn’t on TV? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! Anyway, Kaitlin’s season was pretty dramatic, but she kind of ruined the whole thing when she snapchatted herself and Shawn in bed together before the finale. Bonus points for having the best Snapchat presence out of all the Bach alums, though.
3. Chris Soules
Chris is probably one of the dumbest people that has been on the show, but, dat ass doe. He was cute, charming and had an insanely beautiful smile. I give Chris extra points for helicoptering away from two crying bitches in the desert after dumping them both on a two-on-one date. Like byeeeeee. His season was also pretty enjoyable to watch. Remember when that one girl who was like, so weird about her dead boyfriend? She was all like, “Isn’t my story amazing?” Nah lady, you’re a creep. This season also gave us Ashley I., who I think is a total blessing to The Bachelor franchise.
2. JoJo Fletcher
I still don’t really believe JoJo is a real person. Who just looks like that and also has perfect boobs? We’ll call it witchcraft. Even though you could kind of tell that JoJo was going to choose Aaron Rodgers’ little brother from the beginning, her season was still pretty captivating. This is the season that gave us THE CHAD, for chrissakes. Also, her final four was pretty decent, and by decent I mean hot. Good for JoJo.
1. Ben Higgins
Do I maybe have a huge crush on Ben Higgins? Of course I do. Everyone does. He’s like the boy next door. He somehow got dumped by Kaitlin yet wasn’t pathetic about it. He was also super nice to all of the women, letting them just fester in drama of their own making. The season gave us Olivia, who was the season’s villain and basically Corinne Lite. Ben also broke all the damn rules by telling both JoJo and Lauren B. that he loved them. I mean, that wasn’t the best move but it was definitely great television, and Jojo still hasn’t gotten over it, which is personally amusing for me.