UPDATE: Aaaand just like that, it’s officially over. After a few days of rumors, Tayshia finally took to Instagram on Wednesday afternoon to confirm the news that she and John Paul Jones have decided to go their separate ways. Sad! Tayshia says in the post that she likes to keep her personal life private, which is pretty hilarious for someone who’s been in multiple reality TV relationships in the past year. Obviously, she realized this too, and it’s good to hear the news straight from the source.
She says that after a while, the fact that they live across the country was just too much to handle. Truly like, shocking that long distance isn’t easy, huh? Tayshia says sshe and JPJ are still “the best of friends,” which like, who knows if we actually believe that. But John Paul Jones did comment on the post with a heart emoji, so at least we know they haven’t blocked each other. So yeah, we’re saying farewell to this BiP couple, but it seems like things are on pretty good terms.
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I know you guys have been asking about John and I recently, and as much as I like to keep my personal life private, I realize you have all watched and been a part of our journey from the beginning. Therefore to stay true to that, I need to be open and honest with you in order to heal and move on. John and I had something incredibly special. We fell for each other in Paradise, and everything was a whirlwind after that. When the show ended, I truly went back to Maryland to see if what we had was something we could build on without cameras, a production crew, and without feeling any pressure: to simply figure things out on our own terms. But the reality was, we were living on opposite coasts, and working insane schedules that made it impossible to see each other and build a life with each other. We truly did the best we could, but at this time have decided that what is best for the both of us is to go our separate ways. We are the best of friends and will continue to remain in each other’s life because regardless of the situation, we make each other happy💕💕
It’s been a cool two months since Bachelor in Paradise ended, but if you think we here at Betches have been sleeping on the statuses of these couples just because of a little thing like production ending, then you’d better think again. What else am I supposed to do with my time during regular business hours if not aggressively deep diving into these people’s private lives? Actual work? Nah, I don’t think so. Well, the Demi and Kristian breakup rumors aren’t the only couple updates we need to talk about. It’s recently come to my attention via a Reddit thread (a place where all hard-hitting journalism stories truly begin IMO) that BiP prom king and queen John Paul Jones and Tayshia Adams might be officially over (as if they were ever really together to begin with).
When the two hit it off in Mexico this summer, I just instinctively knew that it was entirely for ratings. I mean, Tayshia referred to John Paul Jones, a man I’m convinced was only a part of the Bachelor franchise because he lost a bet to his frat brothers and was blackmailed into going on the show, as an “old soul” and “very deep” after he butchered some Shakespeare lines on national television.
A deep thinker, indeed.
And while most of the reality TV-loving world has been shipping these two since Tayshia ran down the beach wailing “I’M SORRY JOHN”, I’ve had my doubts as to the legitimacy of their relationship for awhile now. Turns out, I was right to be skeptical, because apparently Tayshia was caught RED-HANDED out on a date with another man last week.
Reddit user Poopburb (not a great username I know, but a whistleblower nonetheless!) posted in a thread that their coworker’s neighbor spotted Tayshia out on what appeared to be a date that wasn’t with JPJ in Newport Beach on October 24th. The coworker’s neighbor said that Tayshia and the mystery man were “flirting and touching all night” and there’s even video evidence to back up the claim. If you watch the video, Tayshia is most certainly with someone who doesn’t have the hair of a long-lost Hanson brother but, like, she could also just be catching dinner with an old friend. Fans are saying the video is damning because Tayshia and her date are sitting on the same side of the booth, which apparently means they’re dating. Again, not really rock solid evidence of a break up with JPJ so much as rock solid evidence that Tayshia might be a sociopath, because only monsters sit on the same side of the booth as the other person they’re dining with, but fine Reddit.
This isn’t the first time it’s been speculated that JPJ and Tayshia’s relationship was all for publicity. Reality Steve tweeted that the couple had broken up way back in September, and were only keeping up appearances on social media for the fans and sponsorship deals. While fans were outraged at that accusation, Tayshia and JPJ haven’t exactly been flaunting their relationship, and by that I mean they’re about as active on each other’s socials as I am with the cousin my mother guilt-tripped me into following on Instagram (you know who you are, Sabrina!). In fact, they’ve almost been nonexistent from each other’s Instagrams, until October 7th, when Tayshia was briefly mentioned on JPJ’s IG feed while both were at a brunch with other Bachelor alums. Tbh to me, their lack of vom-inducing posts says more about their relationship status than this shaky 30-second video.
But all of this speculation on Tayshia and JPJ’s relationship has made me wonder about the other couples from last season’s Bachelor in Paradise. Are they still in love and dry humping on my Instagram feed? Pretending to date the other for spon-con purposes? Broken up and summoning a vengeance demon to plague the other with incurable acne and a mild case of crabs? I’ve done some digging and here’s what I’ve discovered:
Hannah G & Dylan: Definitely Still Together
Okay, was this even a real question? These two have been going strong ever since they got engaged in Paradise, and I know this because Dylan won’t shut the f*ck up about it on his Instagram. But, I mean, every happiness to you both!
Katie & Chris: It’s Complicated
Moving on to Katie and Chris. Their reunion on the BiP after show was hard to watch. Katie admitted that Chris is a piece of sh*t and Chris looked like he would just rather be excluded from this narrative. After the finale aired, it appeared the couple had made up and were giving their relationship another chance because
ad revenue true love is real after all. That said, Chris has been suspiciously absent from Katie’s Instagram ever since the After the Final Rose episode aired, but she was also seen wearing her engagement ring at some sort of influencer retreat on October 11th. Chris also shocked us all when he posted a photo with her on IG a few days ago. So, like, maybe they are fine? Either that or they don’t want to give Neil Lane his ring back! I’ll let you be the judge!
Demi & Kristian: Probs Broken Up:
We already talked about this, so click here if you want all the details we have so far. Long story short, it’s not looking good. There’s plenty of evidence, but this shady comment that Kristian’s sister left on Demi’s photo is probably all you need to see.
NOT DESPERATE AT ALL. Y’all I’m dead. Deceased. The comment has since been deleted, but god bless the internet and rabid Bachelor fans for always doing the most when it comes to screen shotting the evidence. Since this feels like a comment I have definitely left on my sister’s ex-boyfriend’s new “in a relationship” status on FB, I’m going to go ahead and say I’m pretty sure Demi and Kristian’s relationship status is deader than my last house plant.
So there you go! That’s the status on all the Bachelor in Paradise couples as far as I can tell from judging their social media posts. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go explain to my mother what spon-con is and why people would fake a relationship to get it. TTYL!
Images: Giphy (1); @chrisjbukowski /Instagram (1); @dylanbarbour /Instagram (1); @its_thesnatchelor /Instagram (1)
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Welcome back, folks, to your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap! I fully expect this week’s episode to include a total of 30 minutes of actual usable footage and the remaining 1.5 hours will be a metaphorical drawing and quartering of Luke P’s character. I’m giddy with anticipation. When we last left off, Hannah and the men were in Crete, Greece, where she had to decide which of the men she would need to
bang in a windmill connect with on a deeper level and which of them she would just dry hump for nine hours. Tbh I’m still not well with her choices. But one choice I can get behind from last week’s episode is that Hannah finally sent Luke P back to the communal shower from whence he crawled out of—and all it took was him slut shaming her on national television and then condescendingly asking her to pray with him! I would have dumped him the first time I saw him line up with the other guys and realized he was entire heads and shoulders smaller than the rest of them, but to each her own, I guess.
The Rose Ceremony
Moving on. Back in Crete, we’re picking things up where we left off with the rose ceremony. Hannah, finally free of the 5’6″ overly coiffed Big Jesus Energy that was Luke P, shows up to deliver the roses looking like she just walked off my mood board from junior year of high school. Jesus Christ. I’m sorry, Hannah, but Deb called and they want their prom dress back, honey!
Meanwhile, Luke P is back AND HE BROUGHT A RING. What?!?!? He’s like, “I’m on my way and I’m coming” and that’s a line I’ll hear in my nightmares. Honestly, any producer who can talk a grown man into humiliating himself on national TV twice within the span of 18 hours AND to do it with an engagement ring he was definitely told was a Neil Lane diamond when it’s really from the Denny’s gumball machine down the street, deserves a raise. Bravo, sir.
Chris Harrison: Hannah, do you know who you’re going to send home?
Me to my dog alone in my living room: It should be whoever suggested this outfit.
I love that Luke goes to stand in line with the other three men WHO HAVEN’T BEEN ELIMINATED ALREADY as if he will be getting a rose this evening also. It’s this mix of confidence and delusional thinking that I’ll be bringing with me into my next job performance review.
God, Luke has no shame. He keeps saying how he loves Hannah and the relationship isn’t over for him yet and it’s like, GO HOME LUKE. YOUR MOTHERBOARD IS MALFUNCTIONING. Seriously, which intern pulled him off the charger and let him walk right into that rose ceremony? Chris, was that your least favorite nephew again?
Luke continues to beg and plead for Hannah’s attention and, honestly, it’s getting hard to watch. Normally, reducing a grown man to groveling on national TV is
how I get off my preferred method of winding down after a long day, but honestly, I don’t know how much more I can take of this, especially as it becomes clear that he’s not leaving.
Hannah tries to take control of the situation by physically moving the table with the roses on it so he’s not standing in front of it anymore, and he STILL crowds her space. It’s unsettling to watch and maybe even a little triggering. Why do I feel like half the men back home watching this are thinking to themselves “I would never treat a woman like this” but have also sent a text/DM/subtweet to a woman that said “whatever ur a fat bitch and i wuz never into you anyway” when rejected?
Luke: Can you seriously look me in the eyes and tell me it’s over?
I love how Jed is acting like he is the sole reason Luke was finally dismissed from the rose ceremony. You literally just stood there in your poop brown suit and raised your eyebrows from a safe distance. That’s all you did!!
“The Men Tell All” Also Known As “The Luke P Show”
In a jarring transition from rose ceremony to The Men Tell All, Chris Harrison starts things off by calling in Jesus’s favorite f*ckboy: Luke. I’m sorry, but I thought this was The Bachelorette? Why are we giving this Fox & Friends acolyte one more minute of screen time? He practically hijacked this entire season, does he really need a spotlight during The Men Tell All? We know he’s a piece of sh*t, we don’t need to devote the remaining hour and fifteen minutes of this episode to investigating this claim at length!
Luke tries to explain his extremely sexist and misogynistic remarks to Hannah during the fantasy suite, and it’s not going well for him. He’s like, “I’m not okay with her straddling or mounting or kissing other guys.” STRADDLING OR MOUNTING. These are words being said on primetime television rn!!! He sounds like he’s describing my dog’s archnemesis at the dog park who is always trying to dominate her, instead of the woman he seriously considered marrying.
Also, why did Luke even go on this show? He had to know about the fantasy suites prior to being on this season. Clearly this is not the dating forum for him, so why even go on the show? Did he need to raise money for his church’s mission trip? What was the motive here? I’m suspicious.
Chris Harrison once again tries to pull some sort of emotion out of Luke P by asking him about that half-baked proposal, and the result is a full minute’s worth of silence. You can practically hear his programming malfunctioning in the background. If you look closely enough, you can see the smoke from his wires frying.
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“I’m getting choked up over here,” Luke says with absolutely no emotion as he describes in monotone his thought process behind slut shaming a woman on national television. No, you’re getting choked up because for the first time in your life people are holding you accountable for your words and actions and it’s upsetting to you.
Luke: If I could go back I wouldn’t change a thing.
IF I COULD GO BACK I WOULDN’T CHANGE A THING!! Is this the part where the angry mob swarms him? Because if so I’ve been sharpening my pitch fork for the last 45 minutes and can be ready to go in 10!
It’s just crazy that he literally has no idea what a piece of sh*t he is. There is no self-awareness there at all. At one point he even mentions wanting to “save” Hannah and refers to his time on the show as a “rescue mission” as if a woman WHO IS THE GODDAMN LEAD OF THE SHOW can’t save herself. Disgusting.
Okay, who tf is Devon and did he go bullfighting before this?
Devon: Can I just be real with you for a second, Luke?
The resemblance is uncanny!!
I’m sorry, but did Luke truly just say that he believes a man should guide and control the relationship? IN THE YEAR 2019 ON MY TELEVISION SCREEN. You know what? I do hope he gets invited to Paradise this year, if only so I can watch Demi roast him over a spit and serve his entrails to the her enemies. It’s the very least you can do for me, ABC.
Chris invites the other men from Hannah’s season out onto the stage to read the rest of Luke’s crimes before the public hanging commences. I can think of no better punishment for his transgressions than putting him in the public stocks for at least 30 minutes while members of the audience throw spoiled fruit at him and Luke S goes into a detailed account of his tequila brand.
Chris Harrison: Do you guys have anything to say to Luke?
Connor: Yeah, f*ck you man.
Connor! Such language! He better hope his mother isn’t watching. He might have to put a quarter in the swear jar.
Luke continues to dig his own grave with the men. It’s like they all heard it’s 2019 and realized if they want to get laid by their following they’re going to have to do a little more than just post about their new Bachelor recap podcast on IG—they might actually have to show they care for and respect women. Crazy!!
As the crowd starts to turn on Luke and the men finish fashioning their cuff links into makeshift shivs, he tries one last attempt at explaining himself. He talks about the hypocritical moment when he slut shamed Hannah for having sex, when in fact he was not a virgin either. He’s like “some people call it secondary virgin, others call it just the tip, but you know what the deal is!” Do we, Luke??
Luke continues to show zero remorse and then hops on a flight out of there to go find a new woman to emotionally abuse.
A Moment Of Appreciation For The Gift That Keeps On Giving: John Paul Jones
Chris Harrison calls JPJ up to the hot seat next and I would call bullsh*t on that “fan favorite” comment except I just saw a girl in the audience start hysterically crying at the mere mention of his name. It’s like every time he flips his hair a teenage girl has her sexual awakening.
Also, I’m starting to realize that JPJ is actually very attractive? How am I just now noticing this? I mean, does he have the face of someone whose daddy threatened to sue Sigma Alpha Epsilon for not giving him a bid freshman year? Sure, but that’s
sort of my type neither here nor there.
You guys, The Men Tell All is taking a very weird turn with this girl who wants to keep a lock of JPJ’s hair to wear around her neck in a locket. I literally want to throw myself into oncoming traffic if I so much as wave to the wrong person and this girl just cut off a piece of a strange man’s hair on national television!! One of us will be bringing this up AT LENGTH with their therapist, and I have a feeling it won’t be her.
Hannah Is Really Sorry, You Guys
Last but not least, we end things with an appearance from the bachelorette herself: Alabama Hannah. She wants us all to know that she’s really, really sorry for keeping a man who most certainly lies about his height on his Christian Mingle bio around for so long. Ah, so we’re making this about Luke again. Got it.
Here’s the thing: I’m glad Hannah can look back on her relationship with Luke and realize that she learned something from all of this. I’m glad that his toxic behavior and misogynistic words are being called out and publicly shamed. Really, I am so glad. BUT, like, I don’t want to hear his name for one more goddamn second. The worst thing we can do to this guy is completely forget about him, to not acknowledge his presence at all. AND YET, we’ve spent the last 2.75 hours discussing him at length. I’m over it.
Tbh I feel like this entire Tell All can be explained in a single gif:
Hannah: I’m truly sorry for dating that douchebag. World peace and roll tide!
Minus that part about “roll tide” that was the exact apology I had to give my sorority when my date at junior year formal got caught doing coke in the bathroom by the hotel manager. It happens to the best of us, girlfriend!
And on that note, that’s it from me this week! See you betches next Monday AND Tuesday where the only thing thrilling about this two-part conclusion will be my rising blood pressure levels. TTYL!
Images: Disney ABC Press; Giphy (6); @thebetchelor /Instagram (1); @starstylecom /Instagram (1)