If you brought a new boyfriend home to Thanksgiving and you’re still together as you’re reading this, congratulations. Not everyone can make it, which is why today we’re reminiscing on the most dramatic celebrity breakups of 2017. Cheers to the ones you remember, and pour one out for all the ones you forgot about. It’s been a long year.
Tbh this one was only really dramatic because we’re psychopaths who care too much about this, but whatever. They always seemed like a normal, fun married couple with no reason for drama, but obviously shit happens. They released a diplomatic statement about how they have all this respect for each other, because of course.
Like with Chris and Anna, we really didn’t see this one coming. They got married at the height of their fame in 2009, but things probably started to go downhill when they named their son Axl. Tbh the last straw for Fergie was probably when she found out Josh was doing ANOTHER Transformers movie. How are they still making those?
8. Katy Perry & Orlando Bloom
Resident weirdest girl in school and our favorite pirate called it quits in February after a year of dating. There’s no way to know for sure, but maybe Orlando didn’t love the short blonde hair and annoying publicity stunts?
7. Robert Pattinson & FKA Twigs
Who would we be if we didn’t update you on Edward Cullen’s life? After Rob said last year that they were “kind of engaged” (ladies, you have permission to key your man’s car if he ever says that), they reportedly broke up earlier this year. Guess he should have “kind of” tried a little harder, because she’s been hanging out with a male model.
6. Nicki Minaj & Meek Mill
Nicki had previously been coy about whether she and Meek were engaged, but she officially announced that they were over in January. Looks like she dodged a bullet, as Meek is now in prison for 2-4 years for violating his probation. Good job Nicki, you got out just in time.
5. Selena Gomez & The Weeknd
We may or may not have already written some stories about this, but it’s literally so good. Have fun with Justin and Bella, kiddos, and use protection!
4. Scott Disick & Bella Thorne
We might never actually know what went on here, but what we do know is that Bella came home from Cannes early, and she was replaced with a hotter girl the next day. There are conflicting reports about how *together* they actually were, but whatever. Bella’s basically been spiraling since, while Scott got with Sofia Richie and probably a bunch of other 19-year-old models.
3. Jennifer Hudson & David Otunga
We weren’t expecting much from this breakup, but it’s really been bringing the drama. Last week, Jennifer got an emergency order of protection, which also means David doesn’t get to see their son. This one is gonna be messy, but we really hope Queen J-Hud is okay.
2. Janet Jackson & Wissam Al Mana
You might be wondering why Janet and this guy you’ve never heard of are on this list, but hear me out. Wissam is a rich businessman from Qatar, and their prenup stated that Janet would get $100 million in the divorce if she stayed for five years, and $200 million if there was a baby. So what did Janet do? You better believe she stayed for five years, had a baby, and got the hell out of there with the money.
1. Mel B & Stephen Belafonte
It’s important to be there for the Spice Girls when one of them is in a time of need, and Mel B’s divorce was a fucking dumpster fire. Stephen allegedly got the nanny pregnant, paid for the abortion, and was violently abusive towards Mel. Basically, he’s a trash human. Scary Spice deserved a less terrifying husband.
If you thought love wasn’t dead, think again. Yesterday, we got the news that Fergie and Josh Duhamel are getting a divorce, and it hurts. They had been married for over eight years, and they always just seemed normal and happy together. Here’s the statement they released to the press:
“With absolute love and respect we decided to separate as a couple earlier this year. To give our family the best opportunity to adjust, we wanted to keep this a private matter before sharing it with the public. We are and will always be united in our support of each other and our family.”
Okay, that’s nice, but we’re a little confused why we weren’t the first people they told? Whatever, I guess it’s the best thing for their son Axl, besides maybe getting a new name. Seriously, that name needs at least one more vowel, he’s not a Black-Eyed Pea.
The timing of the announcement probably isn’t a coincidence, because Fergie just happens to have her first solo album in 11 years coming out next week. It’s called Double Dutchess, and if it can provide us with even one banger on the level of “Glamorous”, “Fergalicious”, or “Big Girls Don’t Cry”, we’ll be very happy. Meanwhile, Josh is busy doing Transformers movies or something.
We hope everything works out for Fergie and Josh, and as long as John Legend and Chrissy Teigen don’t break up we’ll still hold out some hope that love isn’t terrible.