Welcome back to the biggest hit on your self-esteem that comes around every year: the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show! It’s always so exciting to watch 55 girls with a high school degree (and Karlie Kloss) subtly remind you that you ain’t shit.
Since this is the first time I’ve turned my TV to CBS since ‘Nam, I’ve decided to celebrate appropriately with buttered popcorn and a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Let’s be judgmental and catty now, so we can go cry ourselves to sleep later, k?
THE SHOW
The show starts with an intro to China, because, you know, no one has ever heard of it. “With its rich history and beautiful architecture, only China can show the beauty of bedazzled underwear.” To the Chinese guy with braces who said “I’ve been dreaming of this for so many years,” — Congratulations. You know what they say, dream completely random shit like “have the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show come to my hometown,” and it just might come true.
TBH the VS Fashion show is the strongest show of international diplomacy we’ve seen since November 9th, 2016.
They introduce the musical guests, Leslie Odom Jr., Miguel, Harry Styles and some “international pop star” named Jane Zhang. And before you go calling me uncultured for not knowing her, I’ll have you know that I use the line “sing to me, Paolo” in everyday conversation.
Either way, this year is a low-key downgrade from previous musical years. Sorry, you were thinking it.
WALK #1: THE STAGES OF GOING TO PRIVATE SCHOOL
Candice is up first and if you don’t know these people, that’s a personal problem. She’s basically rocking a Catholic school uniform that is like, moderately more slutty than they usually are.
She’s followed by Martha, Josephine and Stella, which together sound like the group that plays bridge with my grandma every Friday. Seriously why do all of you have old people names? No Jenny in the group?
Karlie Kloss is rocking this Scottish Braveheart look. TBH she looks very Warped Tour circa 2006 to me. In fact, this entire collection does.
The models walk down each side of the runway, meet in the middle and do a pose with each other, which you can tell is becoming a problem for some of them. Poor Stella looks like she might start vomiting when Martha tries to fist bump her.
Okay this whole pose-with-each-other thing is like, so annoying. We get it, you know each other. You all have matching pink shirts and are such a big, hot family. Yadda yadda.
The outfits switch up to more of a motorcycling look, which is officially the rebellious stage of a private school betch. I’ll be honest, some of the bras look wearable, but most of them look like the S&M team in the movie Dodgeball.
REAL PICTURE OF THE RUNWAY RN:
VS designers: “I want the girls to be so covered in studs that if any man ever tries to touch them, they are instantly impaled and bleed out.” 2017 is the year of the women, I tell you.
WALK #2: MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A SLUTTY EASTER
Cut to our first BTS look at the Angels, aka the part where they actually talk. You always think this part is going to be more interesting than the actual show, but it isn’t. Turns out models don’t talk for a reason. The models are watching their old walks and they’re like, “time stops when you’re walking the runway.” Yeah, I guess walking in a straight line is stressful, but have you ever had the pressure of stopping the microwave before it hits 0?
They are looking at old outfits and reminiscing on the days they all used to be friends with Taylor Swift.
Lily is like, “my first runway I was walking down to my husband’s music, so like, it was nice to know that if I fell I would still be rich after.”
Miguel is up next, but we’re all focused on Thigh-High BootGate that is happening backstage. Will someone fucking tie Taylor’s boot? I haven’t been this stressed since Donald Trump threatened nuclear war with North Korea. So like, yesterday.
This section is what your grandma’s china looks like in underwear form. Or like, every Easter tablecloth I have ever eaten on.
Miguel is fucking killing it out there. Def deserved that one Grammy nomination four years ago. He’s doing a better job of flirting with the angels as the they walk by, which brings me to my theory that Harry is nervous to scam on other girls in front of Kendall, who is obviously watching.
All the girls are pretending to know a single word to his song and dancing around uncomfortably, which is also what I’m kind of doing too. Can you like, sing “Sure Thing”?
Here’s Bella Hadid holding it down for the entire Hadid family. This is your moment, Bella! All you had to do was keep your shit tight and wait until your sister was banned from a country for racial insensitivity it was your time to shine!
WALK #3: NO, THIS ISN’T A FUNERAL
Before the runway, Jasmine and Josephine go to practice Kung Fu, and no, I am not making this up. They walk in and they’re like “omg are you Jackie Chan?”
I’m sure this is what every fucking Sensei aims for—teaching a bunch of models how to punch the air. Even Kung-Fu Panda 2 was less of a dishonor.
Now they are in a “fight” and kicking aimlessly, while some dude just keeps going “very good” in the background. I’m really glad we wasted everybody’s time on this.
Like seriously, WTF is this? This feels like an ANTM challenge? Is Tyra Banks about to pop out and be like “KUNG FU—BUT MAKE IT FASHION!!!”
OMG they zoom in to Ming talking about how her whole family is in the audience. Because I stalk follow some of them on Instagram, I know what happens. I’m ready, I’m worried.
They’re announcing Leslie Odom Jr. like “the Hamilton hero is up next!!” He played Aaron Burr, who is the villain in the end, you uncultured swine.
Leslie Odom Jr. is trying to make me cry during a bra fashion show with this sad, slow song he’s singing. This is without a doubt the weirdest funeral I have ever been to.
Here they are: the snow angels, with a hint of Native American cultural appropriation. They’re all getting their pre-show prayers in, presumably asking God to give them the strength to walk in a straight line for a total of 30 seconds.
Sadly, God hath forsaken Ming Xi, who totally eats shit on the runway after spending her entire backstage interview being like “Omg this is my hometown I can’t embarrass myself.”
^I would like to add that whoever made this gif was extremely forgiving. In reality it took like, a solid 30 seconds of her sitting on the ground, contemplating her life choices and next career move, and another model to help her up before she got back on her feet.
TBH it is pretty savage of the VS Fashion Show editors to keep this part in. Like, they could have cut it out like the time an Angel’s wing bitch-slapped Ariana Grande in the face but, nah, they needed the drama.
Now Ming Xi is sobbing and it’s like, sad but also you just walked in the VS Fashion Show, so how bad can I feel for you, really?
“You looked so beautiful at the end” is such a great backhanded compliment. Wouldn’t be surprised if she leaned in after that and whispered, “You blew it, bitch.”
Leslie is like “fall down 7 times get up 8” and the VS producers are like “NO. NO MORE FALLING.”
WALK #4: THE SECOND STRING
Now is the pink lineup, which is the JV team of VS Fashion Show. They do introductions of these girls, trying to pretend like they care. This is the section I can actually afford, so of course it’s the worst part.
Lily is like “I remember when I did Pink and now I make money.” #tbt
Jane Zhang is doing a full dance number on the runway, and the Pink girls are parading around in their inflatable wings and parkas, hoping one day they can pretend to interact with a singer on the runway that people actually know. Dream big, ladies. Somewhere backstage Leslie Odom Jr. is pulling off his cummerbund and texting his manager, “You told me this look worked!!!”
Some of these girls do really aggressive poses at the end, but I guess when you’re modeling sweatpants, you got a lot to be mad about.
Pink is the only place ever that’s like “I know what’s sexy: mesh overalls” and “you should totally wear a matching backpack and baseball cap with that bra.”
WALK #5: BACK TO THE GOOD SHIT
You know what’s fun about this show? It’s probably the full length feature film Victoria’s Secret commercials in between. In case you forgot that you can buy this stuff. This shit is like, every basic bitch’s Super Bowl.
Next they talk about where the models are from, because like, culture.
Elsa is like “when you’re on the runway, you feel like you’re walking for your country.” Yeah, this is really the fucking Olympics out here.
Everyone is losing their shit about Alessandra Ambrosio, who will be walking her last runway before they set her out to sea.
All the models are giving speeches about how great an icon she is, with the subtext “but move over bitch, because you’re old as shit and I’m coming for you”
“Like Burning Man, but make it more ho,” is what I imagine the VS designers said while creating this line. It has feathers and tassels and all the other shit you see while attending any white-washed music festival or looking at any of the Kardashians’ Halloween costumes.
Alessandra’s last walk ever after like, 30 years of being an underwear model. I was getting my first set of braces tightened when she first started this gig. She takes time at the end of the walk to relay a very important message to the fans: I <3 U Forever.
Wow. What a timeless message. It’s been fun, boo. Now go be like, middle-aged now.
FINAL WALK
The models and the musical guests start talking about music and fashion and how they influence each other. Martha is like, “hip-hop came around in the 90’s and represented the streets.” Because no one knows the streets like good ol’ Martha.
Lais is wearing the two million-dollar fantasy bra that is coated in gold jewels. It’s actually the prettiest fantasy bra they have had in years. *puts on Amazon wishlist* Is that at select stores only?
This walk is a full greek goddess theme, because nothing says “embracing the Chinese culture” like praising a European empire.
Bella Hadid looks hot AF per usual. Homegirl is gonna like, get it.
It’s honestly amazing how fucking hot some of these girls are with shaved heads. Like, wow, so inspiring. If I don’t have a full blanket of hair around me I become a British man. Good for you all.
The finale is lead by the girls you actually know and they all stand at the front of the stage, laughing and having a grand time knowing that they will undoubtedly cause millions of girls to go on a swift diet of carrots and air tomorrow.
So, this has been great. We should totally do it again next year. I’m going to go eat cheese dip and hate myself now. BYE.
As betches, we’re always wondering WTF models and celebrities are eating. We probably need a new hobby, but honestly this one keeps us busy enough for now. The VS Fashion Show is in Shanghai this year, and we already have our Seamless orders ready to cuddle up with a bottle of Pinot Noir and watch Candice Swanepoel strut down the runway in lingerie that would realistically only be found in a gentleman’s club in Downtown LA. Regardless, we’ve been doing some research on what the Angels like to eat leading up to the show. Or like, what their trainers are making them eat. Here’s what we found.
Adriana Lima
It feels like Adriana’s been in the VS lineup forever, so she’s obviously doing something right. I mean, this woman is literally a MOM and has a better body than 99% of European models and 100% of all Americans. IDK if it’s the Brazilian genes or the discipline to do boxing workouts six days a week, but she has her nutrition on point. Adriana swears by eating six meals a day and she’s obsessed with buckwheat, a grain-like seed that’s filled with protein and fiber. She literally eats it with milk and honey before bed, and says it helps her burn calories while she sleeps. BRB, currently ordering a 10 pound bag of buckwheat on Amazon.
Blanca Padilla
Blanca Padilla is coached by a famous NYC trainer Stephen Pasterino, and he controls her exact diet and workout schedule before the show. Her diet is all about eliminating foods that could cause bloating or inflammation, so she takes a shot of apple cider vinegar in the morning and then avoids any hard-to-digest foods like kale, broccoli, nut butters, and bananas. She’s also not allowed to have any salt with her meals and can’t have any packaged foods whatsoever. Sounds like hell.
Sara Sampaio
Sara claims she basically eats like a basic betch throughout the year, and then cuts down to healthy foods and a ton of exercise before the show. She basically lives off pizza, bread, and pasta, and then swaps the carbs for fish, fruit, chicken, and veggies before the show, while adding in a gym sesh 4-5 days a week. This diet honestly doesn’t sound that bad, the issue is that I do not for one second believe she actually eats all those carbs when she’s not in VS show mode.
Lais Ribeiro
Lais Ribeiro says she doesn’t even change her diet that much around the time of the show. She eats a lot of protein all year to keep her muscles healthy, so she just makes sure to have protein every day leading up to the show. Aside from that, she just depends on whole foods and real ingredients. Ugh, boring.
Martha Hunt
Martha is also protein-obsessed, but her diet is more meat-heavy than you’d expect. Let’s just say this girl isn’t ordering a salad. Martha says she swears by meat, salmon, and eggs to fill her up, and she also loves almond butter to spread on basically anything. Martha is definitely one of the models who works out really hard, so the high-protein diet makes sense. Like, she trains at an NYC boxing gym called Dogpound on the reg. She’s not exactly sipping on a green juice afterwards.
Bridget Malcolm
Bridget got snubbed from the VS show this year, but we’re pretty fascinated by what she was eating when she thought she would be in the show. Like, let’s just say she seems like a bit of an obsessive dieter. I mean, we’re not judging or anything. We’ve tried every diet in the book, but we don’t claim to live a balanced lifestyle or anything like that. Bridget is a vegan, and she also makes sure to wait at least 12 hours between breakfast and dinner. She follows some Japanese principle called “Hara hachi bu” which means you stop eating when you’re 80 percent full. I have a headache just thinking about this diet, but if it works for her, you do you, Bridget. She sounds like the type of girl who takes her horoscope too seriously. Just saying.
Josephine Skriver
We should probably start by saying that Josephine claims she hates the word “diet” and loves to live a “healthy lifestyle.” We’re guessing she probably also shops on the Goop website and calls a whole wheat bagel a cheat meal. Regardless, Josephine sticks to protein, vegetables, and brown rice for her pre-show routine. She says her typical breakfast is scrambled eggs and brown rice, which seems pretty legit and respectable but also kind of disgusting. Eggs and rice? Sounds gross. But then again, she says she doesn’t drink American milk because she only likes the milk from Denmark, so like, maybe she is a psycho. Also, who drinks milk?
Head Pro will watch the VS Fashion Show this year, just like every year, because he’s a sucker. Follow him as he makes mean jokes on Twitter at @betchesheadpro, and tell him how badly this list sucked at [email protected].
Perhaps more than anything, humans enjoy order. That’s why, as surely as winter brings 2pm sunsets and misery, it also brings the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show: an institution that endures largely unchanged, persisting by only making slightly fewer alterations than Kim Kardashian’s plastic surgeon. The models starve themselves. A safe, bland pop act performs. One of the models has an OMG SO CUTE “improvised” interaction with the musical act if she’s fucking him. Someone stuffs their cans into a $2 million bra. The sun rises on another day.
But that’s not enough! No, we demand even more order, especially when it comes to judging our fellow humans. That’s why, beyond running the same hour-long porno flick for women (that’s also porn for men), we’re compelled to “rank” the models involved. “But Head Pro, didn’t you do this last year?” you might be wondering. “Wait, that link just redirects to this page, this is the same URL, this is all a naked SEO grab, isn’t it,” a reasonable person might conclude. I don’t have answers for that. I definitely voluntarily re-wrote my own list. I’m a Company Man, after all.
It’s not especially cool to “rank” human women based on their “hotness” or “how nice their boobs look.” I would never do that anyway because I respect women so much that you wouldn’t have to ask me if I respect women, because I would come out and tell you I respect women before you even asked. Instead, I will rank them based on their biography responses on the VS website, from least amusing to most.
14. Jasmine Tookes
Victoria’s Secret asked all of the Angels what spice they would be, and 90% of them said “cinnamon.” That includes Jasmine, who had literally nothing interesting to say. Being pretty but boring is a shitty stereotype, but living up to it gets you on the bottom of the list.
13. Stella Maxwell
Most people pretty clearly identify as a morning or night person, but Stella? Oh, she’s a midday person. Her profile is full of contrarian bullshit like that. Righty or lefty? “I’m actually ambidextrous.” Pink or red? “I prefer blue, but I guess red if I have to choose.” Unlike Jasmine, who is boring, Stella tries WAY too hard to seem cool and different.
12. Lily Aldridge
Literally every model loves shooting in beautiful locations, but they all hate flying on planes. But really, that’s the LEAST glamorous part of the job, not starving yourself or strutting around in your underwear in front of leering strangers? Get some fucking perspective, Lily.
11. Josephine Skriver
Josephine can’t live without her phone, friends, family, sleep and food. Well, yeah. You’ll die after not eating for about 30 days, and a lot sooner without sleep. Jeez, why do you always have to take things so literally, Josephine?
10. Taylor Hill
Taylor is extremely not here for this shit, and I appreciate it. The most glamorous part of working for Victoria’s Secret? “Working for Victoria’s Secret.” She also wants to jump out of a helicopter with her snowboard, which is pretty fucking metal.
9. Candice Swanepoel
Oh sweet, sweet Candice—such an unrequited life. While most of the models wish they could see the Great Wall of China or some trivial shit, Candice casually drops that her greatest regret is that she hasn’t started her “own shelter for abused animals or an environmental protection organization.” Extremely same. Also like, you know you probably can start an animal shelter, right?
8. Romee Strijd
One thing Romee wishes she could do? Travel stateside with her family. Uhhh you might want to rethink that, girlfriend. I mean have you ever seen an episode of Cops? The U.S. is a trash fire that absolutely deserves everything we’ve brought upon ourselves.
7. Martha Hunt
Unlike Josephine, who sagely acknowledges that she can’t live without the very essences of life, Martha is a little more… metaphorical. She can’t live without her dog, purse, family, diamond earrings and favorite watch. She literally listed “dog” and “purse” ahead of family. The honesty is refreshing.
6. Sara Sampaio
Sara is a cool girl who’s just like one of the guys. Wanna know how I know? Because she had pancakes for breakfast the morning of her interview, and in fact eats pancakes “all day every day.” I call bullshit. She has never so much as smelled a pancake.
5. Adriana Lima
O.G. Adriana Lima is a simple gal. While other girls want to see the Northern Lights or start entire government agencies, all she wants to do is star in a Quentin Tarantino film. As long as she’s down with having her toes sucked, I think that can happen.
4. Elsa Hosk
Does Elsa prefer chocolate or vanilla? “Neither.” Goddammit, now I wanna know her deal! What’s this woman’s hangup with conventional ice cream flavors? Does she only eat sorbet? Is she lactose intolerant? There’s nothing sexier in a woman than dessert intrigue, I always say.
3. Lais Ribeiro
What’s one thing that Lais would like to accomplish? Literally nothing, because becoming a VS Angel was her only dream, and she’s achieved that. Laugh all you want, but when was the last time you accomplished something with such laser focus, Mrs. I’ve-Been-Thinking-Of-Going-To-Law School-For-Almost-A-Decade?
2. Alessandra Ambrosio
Pink, or red? Lilac! WILDCARD, MOTHERFUCKERS!
1. Behati Prinsloo
Hey did you know that African native Behati Prinsloo is from Africa, which is where Behati Prinsloo’s from? Well, unlike most girls, who picked “cinnamon” as their spice, she grew up on an African seasoning called aromat, so that’s what she would be. Because she’s from Africa. Which, if true, why is she white?
Head Pro will watch the VS Fashion Show this year, just like every year, because he’s a sucker. Follow him as he makes mean jokes on twitter at @betchesheadpro, and tell him how badly this list sucked at [email protected].
