Well, well, well, it looks like Jordyn Woods went from being called the “unidentified friend” in tabloid captions to being a household name overnight. I’m sure my girl Khloé is binge eating Halo Top (because Tristan isn’t worth the extra calories of Ben and Jerry’s) and wallowing with a mix of sappy break up ballads and sassy, empowering songs (Ariana Grande’s new album really couldn’t have come any sooner). Tristan has his basketball career to fall back on, and is a male, so he hasn’t been too affected by the cheating scandal. Jordyn, on the other hand, has lost everything. She lost her second family, her career as a Kardashian-adjacent person, and probably a lot of friends as well because she met Kylie through social overlap (specifically, mutual friend and failed Twitter philosopher Jaden Smith). While she’s worth around $5 million, one could argue that she got a number of jobs from the Kardashians, such as modeling for Yeezy and Khloé’s Good American, and working with Kylie on her cosmetics line. So all that’s gone to hell. Her other “jobs” include plus-size modeling, having an athleisure that no one’s ever heard of, and being a part-time DJ. Let’s face it, being a full-time DJ is hardly a career either. So we compiled a list of potential career paths Jordyn Woods can take now that she can’t benefit from being an honorary Kardashian.
Work At SUR
If you thought that I would be able to write an article without mentioning Vanderpump Rules, you are mistaken. So, I’m not sure if this is true or not because this “insider information” is from James Kennedy, but it would be amazing if Jordyn replaced Faith at SUR. Or any of the cast members, for that matter, because it’s obvious that none of them work there anymore except for James. Half of the cast has gotten their sh*t together, so their drama is so obviously contrived for the cameras. And the other half (and by other half, I solely mean Jax) just repeats the same scumbag storylines over and over again.
This show needs new blood, and this restaurant needs servers who aren’t so obviously after Instagram fame. Also, can we talk about the fact James is Team Khloé here? Literally all of the girls who are trying to ruin his life are buddy-buddy with her—including Kristen! Every girl knows the true sign of friendship is hating the same people, so don’t bother trying to sidle up to Khloé. Also, James, you’ve been caught cheating a million times. You’re Team Khloé on the streets, but Team Tristan in the sheets. You and Jordyn would get along swimmingly. Jordyn and Raquelle though? Not so much.
….Or Go On ‘Ex On The Beach’
Gotta be honest, I have no idea what this show is like. All I know is that Faith from Vanderpump Rules was on it. If this show was her fallback plan after she nearly broke up Jax and Brittany, then it’s a solid fallback plan for Jordyn as well. Also, being on any reality show is better than being on Life of Kylie.
Capitalize On Being A Social Media Influencer
I have often said that social media influencers are the absolute worst because the whole thing is so, so dumb. But if Jordyn is dumb enough to sleep with her best friend’s sister’s baby daddy, then I think she has the mental capacity to become the next Julia Rose, easily. After all, she does this kind of “work” already, and since the scandal with Tristan broke, her following has been increasing exponentially. So she already has a career that’ll last her until Instagram meets the same fate as Snapchat or Facebook. She probably won’t be as viable to hawk pricier items like Suspicious Antwerp or Danielle Guizio, however, I’m sure FabFitFun, DiffEyewear, and SugarBearHair are all chomping at the bit to send her free product.
Next time my parents call me a fuckup I’m just going to explain to them who Jordyn Woods is.
— sarafcarter (@sarafcarter) February 21, 2019
Write A Tell-All
Out of all of her options, this will grant her the most longevity. Believe me, I definitely, definitely know that novice writers don’t make much money. However, Jordyn’s foray into writing a tell-all about America’s royal family would rake in tons of money. They definitely have so much crazy sh*t going on behind the scenes that they keep even the worst people in their inner circle around because they know where the bodies are buried. After the book is released, she’ll have a whirlwind press tour where she tears up with Oprah Winfrey and does some lame-ass game with Jimmy Fallon. It will inevitably end when Ellen Degeneres overdoes it (yet again) by scaring her or doing some other beat-to-death jokes. Yet Jordyn will persevere because there will be a television series, documentary, film, etc. made from this. She’ll be reaping in royalties for years.
Launch A Makeup Line
If Jordyn can market Kylie’s lip kits, then she can market any kind of makeup. I mean, most of Kylie’s makeup line can only be worn by people who work at Hot Topic, people partying on Pride Day, and people who attend Electric Daisy Carnival. So Jordyn could easily start her own makeup line, especially if she stocks up on the Jordyn lip kits while they’re on clearance and then re-sells them at a profit. And, to be fair, she did just launch her own line of false eyelashes right at the peak of this cheating scandal. I mean, if Lala Kent can create a beauty line centered around herself being a rumored home-wrecker, then surely Jordyn can market a line of highlighters and uninspired liquid lipsticks with names like “Tristan”, “True”, and “The Makeout”. I mean, I wouldn’t not buy it.
Images: Giphy; sarafcarter / Twitter; itsjameskennedy / Instagram
Last night, we were all shocked beyond belief at the news of Jordyn Woods allegedly hooking up with Tristan Thompson. Could the betrayal be any more extreme? Has girl code ever been violated in a worse way? Probably not. Reportedly, Tristan was in LA to spend Valentine’s Day with Khloé, but then he spent Sunday night making out with Jordyn at a house party. Really, the part about Tristan cheating isn’t shocking, considering he couldn’t even keep it in his pants days before Khloé had his baby. Now, rumor has it that Khloé broke up with Tristan, and we can only assume that Jordyn isn’t really welcome to live at Kylie’s house anymore. I get annoyed when my friends stay with me for a long weekend, so even without the cheating, it’s past time for her to go.
We’re still eagerly waiting for more details on Jordyn Woods’ impending funeral, but they’ll probably make us wait six months to get any actual information on Keeping Up With the Kardashians. While we wait, at least the situation has provided some prime opportunities for comedy. The internet has been on fire yesterday and today, so everyone really deserves a round of applause for their great work. Here are some of our favorite Jordyn and Tristan memes.
I won’t lie, I made this one. But honestly, Jordyn’s number one concern right now should be going into hiding. Kris can be pretty ruthless, so Jordyn should definitely be careful about going out in public. Should we check on her to make sure she’s ok?
This is Kylie’s Paris Hilton moment. I really need them to make a spin-off show to find her a new BFF, and I need to figure out how to get on that show. If this isn’t my ticket to fame, I don’t know what is. Kylie needs someone to take photos with that she’ll look hotter than, and I’m more than happy to fill that role.
If you’ve ever wanted a dirt cheap lip kit, now might be the time to strike. I love a good promo code, and “betrayal” fits the situation perfectly.
The devil works hard, but Kris Jenner works harder. The new season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians is about to start, and they had started releasing trailers earlier this week. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if some of this sh*t was orchestrated on purpose. Only time will tell.
I love a good crossover moment, and Fyre Festival humor will never get old. Honestly, I would rather be stranded on an island in the Bahamas with no water than be Jordyn Woods right now.
Normally I hate being at work, but I’d rather work a 24-hour shift than be in Jordyn’s position right now. I’m really just grateful that this situation has given me plenty to talk about with my coworkers today.
Everyone immediately latched onto Khloé’s comment on Jordyn’s most recent Instagram post: “baby girl.” There are literally thousands of responses to this comment now, but my personal favorite is perhaps the cutting joke above, which initially appeared as a reply to Khloé’s initial comment.
Me to my boss: I’m sorry I can’t do any work today, I’ve got to follow this Jordyn/Tristan situation closely.
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) February 20, 2019
I’m not even exaggerating in the slightest when I care about this scandal more than I have ever cared about my paying, full-time job.
To sum this all up, literally what the f*ck.
These Jordyn and Tristan memes have been getting me through the day, and all I want is more information so I can continue to talk about it and look at more memes. This is the most exciting cultural moment that I’ve been a part of since the dueling Fyre Festival documentaries and Kylie Jenner’s surprise pregnancy. And the great part is, the mess is just beginning. Tristan Thompson reportedly “doesn’t care” that his relationship with Khloé Kardashian is over, according to sources who spoke to UsWeekly. Apparently, “He honestly doesn’t really care and was over it. He was never trying to win Khloé back.” F*cking ouch. The only thing that hurts worse than a breakup is finding out that your ex who completely screwed you over never really gave a sh*t about you to begin with. Good thing he decided to bring a child into this world with Khloé anyway! At this point, Khloé just needs to throw the whole man away and start over.
Meanwhile, the Kardashians are writing Jordyn off, according to E! sources, who are probably just Kris Jenner in a trench coat. I’m sure this mess will (thankfully) continue to develop, and I’ll be watching (and meming) closely.
Images: @dylanhafer, @taterth0tz, @betches, @whenshappyhr, @superficialtech, @lexniko, @colinjade, @hannahmlplanet / Instagram; betchesluvthis / Twitter