2020, amirite? That’s it, that’s the article.
I’m kidding! But seriously, have all years just gotten progressively worse, or does it only feel this way because of the 24-hour news cycle and advent of social media making it impossible to escape or stop talking about the bad news? Or is this the inevitable byproduct of capitalism, racism, environmental injustice, and fascism going unchecked and reaching a boiling point? Too deep for this article? Too deep for this article. If you thought the “Trump is going to tweet us into WWIII” phase of 2020 felt like forever ago, allow me to send you off the deep end by taking it a step further and reminiscing on huge cultural events that seem like they happened in another lifetime, but in fact, only took place in 2019. Get ready to go off a proverbial cliff.
Jordyn Woods Went On Red Table Talk
I remember it like it was both yesterday and 17 years ago: we were all in the office (a physical office, can you imagine?), gathered around the flat-screen TV, watching Jordyn Woods go on Red Table Talk with Jada Pinkett Smith to discuss her alleged tryst with Tristan Thompson. It was the kiss heard ’round the world: Jordyn, BFF of Kylie Jenner, smooching the baby daddy and ex of Kylie’s sister? It was a wild time. The memes. The jokes. The memes again. I miss it more than I miss some of my actual friends whom I haven’t seen in months.
Colton Jumped The Fence
Back when Colton Underwood was merely boring and not f*cking scary, we all waited with bated breath for the night he would finally vault himself over a fence in order to chase down the love of his life, Cassie Randolph. In retrospect, perhaps that should have been a sign this man did not exactly have a healthy attachment style. Anyway! Back in March 2019, The Bachelor viewers finally saw that long-awaited fence jump that Chris Harrison had been teasing out all season. Can’t believe we were actually looking forward to this at one point in our lives. But if I could somehow fence jump myself out of this universe, I definitely would.
Area 51 Raid
What I wouldn’t give for aliens to come to abduct me right now and take me away from this hellscape, tbh. This time last year, thousands of people RSVP’d to a Facebook event expressing their intent to storm Area 51. Nobody really did, because the event was made as a joke—although a few people did show up. What happened to them? Has anyone followed up or were they just wiped away from existence by the government? Anyway, looking back on it, I think we should have just gone for it and raided Area 51. Honestly, it’s not too late! Whatever could happen surely can’t make things any worse, right?
Justin & Hailey’s Wedding
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It feels like these two have been married for decades, what with their constant Instagram PDA and general parent-like wardrobe aesthetic, but you would be wrong in thinking this marriage has been on the books for that long. That’s right, friends, Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin only actually had their wedding in September 2019 (though they did have a courthouse wedding exactly one year before that, in 2018). When time is a complete social construct, it’s easy to forget that I have cans of black beans in my pantry that are older than this marriage.
College Admissions Scandal
Ah yes, remember a time when rich people would actually be punished for their crimes? It was not actually so long ago, merely the faraway time of 2019, when Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman, et. al. got busted for participating in an elaborate (and if you ask me, stupid) scheme to get their kids admitted to colleges under false pretenses. The charges were made public in March of 2019 and the sting was called Operation Varsity Blues. We got so much from this, including Olivia Jade’s fake rowing pictures, Lori Loughlin’s every attempt to justify her very much illegal actions, Felicity Huffman’s joke of a jail sentence, and probably the inevitable Netflix and Hulu documentaries. Do you think Olivia Jade will play herself in the fictionalized adaptation for HBO?
Bradley & Gaga’s Oscars Performance
Okay, to be fair, A Star Is Born was big in 2018 technically, since The Oscars take place in February. But still, who else can barely remember a time when you could have 100 people in a room, regardless of whether or not 99 of those people believe in you? I shudder at the thought now. As does the time Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga basically had sex on stage with their eyes while performing the breakout hit from the movie they starred in together. It feels like 5 years ago, but it was really more like one and a half.
Series Finale of ‘Game of Thrones’
Yeah, the series finale of Game of Thrones completely sucked, but you know what’s even worse? The series finale of American democracy. I really wish the biggest thing we had to complain about was investing years in a TV show that completely sh*t the bed on its ending. Even though Game of Thrones only ended in May 2019, I for one have enjoyed this extremely blissful period in which I stopped having to pretend like I cared at all. Honestly, I wish it had ended sooner.
Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth’s Divorce
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…And Miley’s subsequent Hot Girl Summer journey. We have yet to see anything like the utter messiness of Miley and Liam getting divorced after basically pulling a decade-long “will-they-won’t-they” on the general public, and then Miley gallivanting around Italy with Kaitlynn Carter, who had just divorced from her ex, Brody Jenner. It was a media circus that we were all living for. Ugh, those were fun times.
The U.S. Women’s Soccer Team Won The World Cup
Jesus f*cking Christ, look at how much can change in a year. In July 2019, the U.S. Women’s Soccer team won the 2019 FIFA World Cup, and we were all “girl power!” and “goals!” and “Megan Rapinoe is bae “. Now, we’re all “Make The Handmaid’s Tale fictional again” and “please don’t confirm a Supreme Court Justice who basically walked straight out of Gilead” and “should I get an IUD?”
Trump Was Impeached
Yeah, that only happened in December 2019. And thank goodness it taught him a much-needed lesson on not overstepping your power, denouncing white supremacists, and gracefully conceding should he lose the general election come November. Oh, wait.
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Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; Giphy; haileybieber, mileycyrus / Instagram; Ed Herrera / Getty Images
It’s been a few months since the height of the Kylie and Jordyn drama, and we’ve all pretty much moved on. Sadly, we have jobs, so we can’t just spend our entire days refreshing Instagram to see who has liked Kylie’s latest post. But while most of us civilians have accepted the fact that Tristan Thompson is garbage and moved on with our lives, we don’t really know where Kylie and Jordyn stand in the aftermath of all of this.
Of course, in the weeks following the initial chaos of Jordyngate, there were endless reports on Kylie and Jordyn texting, or meeting up, or sending smoke signals to each other across Calabasas, but all of it was pretty much based on nothing but rumors and anonymous sources, which are hard to trust.
But this weekend, we finally know for a fact that Kylie and Jordyn were in the same place at the same time. Thanks to the good people of TMZ, there is photographic evidence of both of them arriving at Bootsy Bellows in WeHo on Friday night for their friend Stassie Karanikolaou, better known as @stassiebaby on Instagram. I’ll get to more on her in a minute.
Sadly, I was not at the party, so I can’t attest to what happened once they were inside, but at the very least, Jordyn knew for a fact that Kylie would be at this party, and she still chose to go. Who knows if they had a long conversation, or even really interacted at all, but it’s hard to avoid someone in a club VIP. In my heart of hearts, I feel like Kylie and Jordyn can at least have a casual conversation without things getting weird. They left in separate cars (Kylie with Stassie, and Jordyn with Jaden Smith, because this friend group is insane), but I hope they at least had a chance to chat inside.
As if there wasn’t already enough to think about at this party, Tristan Thompson happened to be at the same club on Friday night. He most likely wasn’t invited to Stassie’s party (that would be messy af), so it’s fairly likely that he didn’t even cross paths with Kylie or Jordyn, but honestly I’m feeling inspired to write a screenplay about Friday night at Bootsy Bellows. There’s got to be a movie somewhere in all of this.
After the party on Friday, Kylie spent Saturday celebrating Stassie’s birthday again with a really questionable party themed around The Handmaid’s Tale. I’m not sure she knows what the show is actually about, but I’m glad she and her friends had fun running around the house in bonnets and calling their makeup artist/friend Ariel Tejada “Commander Ariel.” Sorry Kylie, but I really don’t think Gilead would take kindly to your thirst trap selfies.
The birthday weekend for Stassie continued on Sunday, with a pool day where everyone wore pink bikinis.
You can tell that Kylie and Stassie have been friends for along time, because they’ve clearly had all of the same surgeries. Love that! According to Instagram, the only other person at the pool day was Yris Palmer, who owns a lash extension company that the Kardashians endorse.
As for Stassie, here’s what you need to know. First, she is not the same person as Stassi Schroeder from Vanderpump Rules. They do look a little similar, and I’m sure Stassi Schroeder would die to be invited to Kylie Jenner’s pool, but this is a different Stassie. Stassie Karanikolaou (I memorized the spelling so I’m going to say it as many times as I can, okay) and Kylie have been friends for nearly a decade, so she’s not some new sidekick tagging along to get followers. She’s an old sidekick tagging along to get followers! In the months since Kylie and Jordyn hit their, um, rocky patch, Stassie has been seen with Kylie a lot, so she’s really making the most of this opening.
Stassie is a model, because basically anyone with four million Instagram followers can be a model. She also has a YouTube channel, and it’s not exactly premium content. Her most recent video is a haul from White Fox (obviously sponsored), and it’s honestly one of the lowest-energy videos I’ve ever seen. Being good at YouTube is a talent, and I’m not sure Stassie has it. Actually, I’m p sure she doesn’t. But what do I know, she’s the one with 200k subscribers.
In terms of where Kylie and Jordyn stand in their friendship now, it’s still tough to know. They still both follow each other on Instagram, so it seems like things haven’t gotten worse. Neither of them liked the other’s photos from the birthday festivities this weekend, but Jordyn did like a video of Stormi that Kylie posted the other day. Kylie hasn’t liked any of Jordyn’s recent posts, but she’s probably busy coming up with new and creative products that will destroy your skin.
So for now, you can all go about your important daily routines, but I’ll probably keep checking to see if Kylie throws a like Jordyn’s way. At this point, it’s just the humane thing to do, Kylie. And as for Tristan Thompson, I hope he had a terrible time at the club on Friday and no one wanted to go home with him.
Images: Getty Images; kyliejenner, jordynwoods, stassiebaby / Instagram; Anastasia Karanikolaou / YouTube