Well fam, it’s time to pour one out, because it’s been a whole year since Jordyn Woods sat on Tristan Thompson’s lap and screwed herself out of riding Kylie’s coattails for life. It was the betrayal heard ’round the world, and probably the biggest Kardashian scandal that wasn’t cooked up by Kris Jenner to boost KUWTK ratings. From the endless fire memes, to the Red Table Talk interview that was more important than the Super Bowl (not up for debate), Jordyn-gate was a big f*cking deal.
So where are we a year later? While Jordyn Woods’ choices lost her the chance to stay at Kylie’s guest house indefinitely, she also gained a ton of exposure, and as any Bachelor contestant can tell you, exposure is everything. Let’s take a look at what Jordyn has been up to in her year of Kardashian exile.
She Got Unfollowed
For several months after Jordyn’s falling out with Kylie, the ex-best friends still followed each other on Instagram. Amidst the many questionable rumors about the status of their friendship, this was the one concrete sign that they might not be done with each other for good. But that didn’t last, and Kylie finally unfollowed Jordyn in July, just days after she was spotted hanging out James Harden, another one of Khloé’s exes. Jordyn has since unfollowed Kylie as well, so they’re fully uncoupled at this point.
She Launched A Clothing Collab
In June, Jordyn announced a collab with fast fashion brand Boohoo, which is one of those sites where the clothes are already low-key falling apart by the time they’re shipped to you. In the teaser video, Jordyn got philosophical, saying that she’s inspired by “anyone who is waking up each day and willing to be better.” Wow, her mind. I’ll keep that in mind next time I wake up think about being worse, thanks girl!
She Launched A Hair Collab
You can never have too many collabs, and Jordyn followed up her foray into clothing with her very own line of hair extensions/wigs. Cute! I’d like to think that this is Jordy’s way of throwing shade at the many questionable wig choices Kylie has made in the past (I still have nightmares about the teal), but she probably just wanted the paycheck. I can’t blame her, and the hair looks nice!
She Launched A Fitness Collab
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I am SO excited to announce that I have my own line of resistance bands dropping October 29th in collaboration with @b_ndstore, one of the fastest growing fitness product companies out there, founded by a young female entrepreneur 💅🏼 while studying at university. Even better, we have an LA pop up store to celebrate 🥳 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ This collaboration made perfect sense for me. I’ve been working on my transformation journey for some time now and I’ve always included these bands in my workouts at home and in the gym, so I can’t wait share them with you guys. I know for sure you’re going to love them! They absolutely changed the game for me 🍑 ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ My latest YouTube video is now live (link in bio), go check it out! I explain how the bands have helped me and how important it is for us women to stick together and empower each other. Go watch it and let me know what you think! ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I cannot tell you how excited I am to finally have you come along this journey with me! I can’t wait to see you using them and feel the burn as much as I have. As always, thank you for the support ♥️ #JordynWoodsXB_ND
Are you sick of the word “collab” yet? Yeah, me too. Jordyn made her move into the fitness space in the fall, though a partnership with a company called B_ND. The collaboration, called FRSTPLACE, consists of two different resistance bands, along with workout guides that you can purchase. The guides also include nutrition guides, which I have some questions about. The website specifies that “the guides do not include a list of recipes or a nutrition plan tailored to your needs,” so I’m kind of wondering what they do include? Like, I don’t need to pay $25 for a PDF that’s going to tell me that carbs are bad.
She Launched A YouTube Channel
At this point, anyone with an ounce of internet fame has started a YouTube channel, and some of them are better than others. Jordyn launched hers in the fall, and quickly amassed almost 250k subscribers, and her content is fun! She did a video with her little sister and her mom, but the last time she uploaded a video was at the beginning of December. Jordy!! How are you supposed to cultivate an engaged following if you don’t post consistently?! Smh, her social media manager is really dropping the ball on this one.
She Found A New Girl Group
Of course, Jordyn and Kylie were super close, but it’s not like Jordyn doesn’t have other friends. Last month, she went on a trip to Jamaica with a killer crew including Normani and Lori Harvey, and I could not stop stalking their photos. I love a friend group where you have to have a million Instagram followers to be invited on the trip. This seems like the perfect kind of clique for Jordyn, because she’s not playing second fiddle like she was to Kylie. Nothing but respect for my number one girl in the group!!
Basically, it’s been a busy year for Jordyn, full of sponsored posts and selfies. She’s out here living her best life, and getting dumped by Kylie might just be the best thing that ever happened to her. Okay, maybe that’s a stretch, but still, it seems like she’s doing fine. Happy one-year anniversary to my favorite feud ever! To celebrate, I’m going to go watch the clip of Khloé Kardashian yelling “LIARRRRR” into the phone 100 times in a row.
Images: Kathy Hutchins/Shutterstock; kyliejenner, jordynwoods / Instagram; Boohoo, Easilocks, Jordyn Woods / YouTube
It’s been a few months since the height of the Kylie and Jordyn drama, and we’ve all pretty much moved on. Sadly, we have jobs, so we can’t just spend our entire days refreshing Instagram to see who has liked Kylie’s latest post. But while most of us civilians have accepted the fact that Tristan Thompson is garbage and moved on with our lives, we don’t really know where Kylie and Jordyn stand in the aftermath of all of this.
Of course, in the weeks following the initial chaos of Jordyngate, there were endless reports on Kylie and Jordyn texting, or meeting up, or sending smoke signals to each other across Calabasas, but all of it was pretty much based on nothing but rumors and anonymous sources, which are hard to trust.
But this weekend, we finally know for a fact that Kylie and Jordyn were in the same place at the same time. Thanks to the good people of TMZ, there is photographic evidence of both of them arriving at Bootsy Bellows in WeHo on Friday night for their friend Stassie Karanikolaou, better known as @stassiebaby on Instagram. I’ll get to more on her in a minute.
Sadly, I was not at the party, so I can’t attest to what happened once they were inside, but at the very least, Jordyn knew for a fact that Kylie would be at this party, and she still chose to go. Who knows if they had a long conversation, or even really interacted at all, but it’s hard to avoid someone in a club VIP. In my heart of hearts, I feel like Kylie and Jordyn can at least have a casual conversation without things getting weird. They left in separate cars (Kylie with Stassie, and Jordyn with Jaden Smith, because this friend group is insane), but I hope they at least had a chance to chat inside.
As if there wasn’t already enough to think about at this party, Tristan Thompson happened to be at the same club on Friday night. He most likely wasn’t invited to Stassie’s party (that would be messy af), so it’s fairly likely that he didn’t even cross paths with Kylie or Jordyn, but honestly I’m feeling inspired to write a screenplay about Friday night at Bootsy Bellows. There’s got to be a movie somewhere in all of this.
After the party on Friday, Kylie spent Saturday celebrating Stassie’s birthday again with a really questionable party themed around The Handmaid’s Tale. I’m not sure she knows what the show is actually about, but I’m glad she and her friends had fun running around the house in bonnets and calling their makeup artist/friend Ariel Tejada “Commander Ariel.” Sorry Kylie, but I really don’t think Gilead would take kindly to your thirst trap selfies.
The birthday weekend for Stassie continued on Sunday, with a pool day where everyone wore pink bikinis.
You can tell that Kylie and Stassie have been friends for along time, because they’ve clearly had all of the same surgeries. Love that! According to Instagram, the only other person at the pool day was Yris Palmer, who owns a lash extension company that the Kardashians endorse.
As for Stassie, here’s what you need to know. First, she is not the same person as Stassi Schroeder from Vanderpump Rules. They do look a little similar, and I’m sure Stassi Schroeder would die to be invited to Kylie Jenner’s pool, but this is a different Stassie. Stassie Karanikolaou (I memorized the spelling so I’m going to say it as many times as I can, okay) and Kylie have been friends for nearly a decade, so she’s not some new sidekick tagging along to get followers. She’s an old sidekick tagging along to get followers! In the months since Kylie and Jordyn hit their, um, rocky patch, Stassie has been seen with Kylie a lot, so she’s really making the most of this opening.
Stassie is a model, because basically anyone with four million Instagram followers can be a model. She also has a YouTube channel, and it’s not exactly premium content. Her most recent video is a haul from White Fox (obviously sponsored), and it’s honestly one of the lowest-energy videos I’ve ever seen. Being good at YouTube is a talent, and I’m not sure Stassie has it. Actually, I’m p sure she doesn’t. But what do I know, she’s the one with 200k subscribers.
In terms of where Kylie and Jordyn stand in their friendship now, it’s still tough to know. They still both follow each other on Instagram, so it seems like things haven’t gotten worse. Neither of them liked the other’s photos from the birthday festivities this weekend, but Jordyn did like a video of Stormi that Kylie posted the other day. Kylie hasn’t liked any of Jordyn’s recent posts, but she’s probably busy coming up with new and creative products that will destroy your skin.
So for now, you can all go about your important daily routines, but I’ll probably keep checking to see if Kylie throws a like Jordyn’s way. At this point, it’s just the humane thing to do, Kylie. And as for Tristan Thompson, I hope he had a terrible time at the club on Friday and no one wanted to go home with him.
Images: Getty Images; kyliejenner, jordynwoods, stassiebaby / Instagram; Anastasia Karanikolaou / YouTube
Y’all, it’s been a wild few weeks for the Kardashians, what with Jordyn Woods being excommunicated from the family and Kylie calling out Travis Scott for cheating. Kris has been working overtime, and honestly, I applaud her efforts. It’s no secret that Kris Jenner will do literally anything for a buck, so I would not be surprised if the recent blast of Kardashian scandals in the media, in fact, originated from one of Kris’s chardonnay-induced fever dreams. As someone who prides herself in Keeping Up, I like to think that I can spot a true scandal from a Kris Jenner-scripted scandal. That said, lately it’s been hard to tell what’s real and what Kris had her intern pull from their MFA short story collection. So put on your tinfoil hats, betches, because I’m about to deep-dive into every scandal I believe Kris Jenner concocted for PR purposes.
Let’s start with the most recent development on the KarJenner front: #JordynGate. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the scandal, then IDK what to tell you other than I’d like to throw spoiled fruit at you in the town square because MY GOD how can you not have heard about this by now? Basically, Kylie’s BFF/Stormi’s live-in nanny, Jordyn Woods, hooked up with Khloé’s baby daddy, Tristan Thompson, and the internet promptly lost its sh*t over it. They hooked up two weeks ago at a house party and the tea is STILL being spilled. In the midst of all the drama, the Kardashians have closed rank around Khloé and have committed the ultimate act of petty: unfollowing Jordyn Woods on Instagram and making her lip kit collab more affordable than a Wet n Wild lip stain. To retaliate, Jordyn is taking to Jada Pinkett Smith’s talk show today (!!!) to talk about the scandal, despite the fact that she reportedly has an ironclad NDA with the fam. And while I absolutely called out sick today to watch said tell-all, that doesn’t mean that I don’t on some level think that this entire thing was orchestrated by Kris Jenner for better KUWTK ratings. Let’s examine the evidence!
EXHIBIT A: The infamous hookup took place at a house party where CONVENIENTLY there is no photographic evidence of said hookup, just the word of a guy who thrives on messy drama. Also, what is the motive for Jordyn hooking up with Tristan? A half a million more Instagram followers? I would argue that Jordyn was already gaining fame as Kylie Jenner’s BFF. Wouldn’t it be easier to ride the coattails of your BFF’s fame through lavish paid vacations and lip kit deals rather than fake an orgasm with the Cavalier’s bench warmer? No, sh*t isn’t lining up here…
EXHIBIT B: The scandal CONVENIENTLY broke before the newest season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians aired, which is suspicious AF because last season had historically low ratings. Are we really to believe that this hookup would take place right when the show is desperate for a much-needed PR stunt and everyone is just supposed to chalk it up as a happy coincidence? Are we??
I 100 percent believe Kris could be the mastermind behind this scandal. Think about it. The show is pretty irrelevant at this point. We have 24/7 access to these people via social media; why do we need to tune in every goddamn Sunday when we could watch the exact same storyline play out in real time via Kim’s obnoxiously long Snapchat stories? Nah. I’m calling bullsh*t on this one.
2. Stormi’s Birth Announcement
We all remember the year Kylie had
the best kept secret in Hollywood a teen pregnancy and then CONVENIENTLY announced the birth of her child via an 11 minute long YouTube video on one of the most important days for PR/marketing: the Super Bowl. Once again, the Kardashians claimed this was just “convenient timing.” It’s not like Kris was poking holes in condoms or hiding her daughters’ birth control so she could have three grandbabies in three months, right? And she certainly wouldn’t have Kylie induced early so they could announce the secret baby on a day when millions of people would be on social media so they could capitalize FOR FREE on media coverage that other companies paid millions for. Yeah, that doesn’t sound like Kris at all…
3. Khloé’s Paternity
This was a long con to run, even for Kris. The mystery behind who fathered Khloé Kardashian is still being investigated to this day. It’s been a longtime rumor that Robert Kardashian Sr. isn’t Khloé’s father, and tbh, if you have working eyes then it’s not hard to see that there might be some truth to that rumor. Some people think Kris had an affair with OJ Simpson, while others believe Khloé’s dad is Kris’s longtime hairdresser Alex Roldan. But the speculation has not stopped once in the 10+ years since KUWTK first aired. Whenever things would get stale on KUWTK, Kris would suggest the family take DNA tests “just for fun” or a random “source” would all of the sudden come forward with new information regarding Khloé’s dad. Khloé’s paternity is like Kris’s trump card. Whenever she’s bored or the media hasn’t run a story about her spawn for five f*cking seconds, she whips this scandal back out for old time’s sake.
4. Kim’s Sex Tape
And to bring this full circle, let’s bring it back to the very first Kardashian scandal to ever grace our television screens: Kim’s sex tape. The sex tape is
arguably objectively what put Kim Kardashian on the map. Before the sex tape, Kim’s biggest claim to fame was being third in line to be Paris Hilton’s best friend and first in line to organize her Juicy tracksuit collection.
Never forget where you come from, Kim.
After the sex tape, she had her very own show on E!, magazine spreads, and people actually started shopping at Dash. Now, Kim is dining at the f*cking White House, and all of this happened because of A SEX TAPE. There’s no arguing that Kris Jenner spun PR gold out of what should otherwise have been a stain on their family name, but I have a deep suspicion that Kris Jenner leaked the tape to begin with. It’s public knowledge that the porn company Vivid Entertainment released Kim’s sex tape Kim Kardashian, Superstar, but who sent the tape to Vivid Entertainment?? It could have been Ray J, Kim’s boyfriend at the time and co-star in the video, or maybe it could be the woman who’s idea of “success” is landing your first Playboy cover. I’m just saying.
So, there you have it, Betches. Everything that you’ve ever loved about the Kardashian’s messy AF personal lives has actually been scripted by one Kris Jenner herself. Kris, if you’re reading this, you’re doing amazing sweetie!
Images: Giphy (3)
In the history of the world, there are certain pivotal events that we all experience together. Everyone remembers where they were when man first landed on the moon, or Barack Obama was elected President. Today, we are at a crossroads, after which we will never be the same. This saga feels like it has been going on for years, but it’s only been 1o days since news of Jordyn and Tristan’s cheating surfaced. We’ve all been losing our minds over the last week and a half, but today, we should finally get some answers. After the longest 10 days of my life, Jordyn Woods is breaking her silence.
On Tuesday evening, Jordyn Woods sat down with Jada Pinkett Smith to record an interview for Smith’s Red Table Talks show. We still have no idea how this interview will go down. Will Jordyn be apologetic right off the bat? Will she come up with excuses, or use this as an opportunity to spill tea about the Kardashian family? We’ll find out soon. The interview is scheduled to go live today, March 1, at 9AM Pacific, and this is where we’ll be keeping you updated live as the interview unfolds.
AND. WE. ARE. LIVE. Jada immediately tells us that she’s known Jordyn her whole life, because her dad worked on Fresh Prince. This is going to be emotional, I can already tell.
“This is grown woman mess on a ‘mother level.” – JORDYN HAS SPOKEN.
Jordyn is in the kitchen with Jada and her mom, and Will Smith joins us via FaceTime. He obviously loves Jordyn, and tells her that she’s supported. Jordyn is already crying, so this is going to be a long 30 minutes. Will instructs her to “take her medicine, and tell her truth.” He is so f*cking wise.
Jordyn says that Sunday night she went to a bar after dinner with friends. She was minding her own business, but Tristan was there. She says that normal LA culture is to go to someone’s house after being out at a bar. That night, it was Tristan’s house.
Jordyn says that she was hanging out with Tristan, but they never left the party to go to a private area. She says that there were other girls around, and she wishes they would hold themselves accountable, but she doesn’t want them to go through what she’s going through.
She is adamant that she never gave Tristan a lap dance, but she can see why people would say they were “getting cozy.” Her “butt was never sitting on him,” but she had her legs over his legs. Jesus girl, we need a crime scene reenactment.
She is firm in her denial that anything intimate happened between her and Tristan, but she acknowledges that someone in her position shouldn’t be hanging out with Tristan like she was. She admits that she didn’t leave until 6AM, but says she was with other people the whole time. She also says that she was drunk, but has never blacked out in her life. Sure, Jan.
BOOM. Jordyn admits that when she was leaving, Tristan kissed her on the lips. There was no passion, but it still happened. This is important.
Later that day, she was talking to Khloé and Kylie about that night, and she says that she was not honest about the actions that had taken place. Even if she’s telling the truth about not hooking up with Tristan, she lied by omission in that moment.
“DID YOU SLEEP WITH TRISTAN.”
“Never. Attach me to a lie detector, whatever it is, I need people to know the truth.”
Now Jada and Jordyn have pivoted, and are talking about how tough they can have it as black women. This is so, so true, and here’s some insight into how this issue has affected our discussion of this scandal as a whole.
Jordyn says that her family can’t go out in public right now, but I dare anyone reading this to tell me what Jordyn’s mom, or brother, or sister look like. I get that she’s probably been unfairly scapegoated in this whole scandal, but her family isn’t that well-known.
Jordyn reiterates that her main mistake that night was going to the afterparty in the first place. Honestly, that’s how most of my nights out go, so I can relate to this feeling.
She says that she told Kylie she was coming to the Red Table today, and that she has reached out to Khloé to repeat that there was no malicious intent in what happened.
Jada reminds her that there’s a lot of pain happening, so it might take many attempts, and also a good deal of time, for people to feel safe and open enough to let her back in. This is how I feel every time I say I’m never drinking again.
The first question from the fish bowl is if this was a publicity stunt. Jordyn simply says “It’s been real.”
She says that she did apologize to Khloé, but has not been able to see her in person yet. For the third time, she offers to take a lie detector test, even though all those SVU marathons taught me that polygraphs aren’t really that reliable.
Jordyn says that it’s hurtful how many people who she considered friends have taken to social media to bully her. She also says that 90% of the people who have spoken out as sources aren’t her real friends.
AND WE’RE DONE.
So here’s what happened: Jordyn was adamant that she and Tristan never hooked up. She acknowledged that she did things she shouldn’t have, but she never did anything with malicious intent. She’s reached out to Khloé and Kylie, but they haven’t been open to sitting down with her yet. Also, I want Jada Pinkett Smith to be my mom.
UPDATE: Khloé has already responded to Jordyn’s interview with the below tweet:
Why are you lying @jordynwoods ?? If you’re going to try and save yourself by going public, INSTEAD OF CALLING ME PRIVATELY TO APOLOGIZE FIRST, at least be HONEST about your story. BTW, You ARE the reason my family broke up!
— Khloé (@khloekardashian) March 1, 2019
“Why are you lying @jordynwoods ??” she writes. “If you’re going to try and save yourself by going public, INSTEAD OF CALLING ME PRIVATELY TO APOLOGIZE FIRST, at least be HONEST about your story. BTW, You ARE the reason my family broke up!” YEESH. Safe to say Khloé isn’t buying Jordyn’s story.
What do you all think? Do you believe Tristan gave Jordyn a peck on the lips? Or do you think there’s more to this story?
UPDATE #2: Finally, more than a week after the initial scandal broke, we are finally getting an acknowledgment from Khloé Kardashian that Tristan Thompson is equally responsible for what transpired (or didn’t transpire) between him and Jordyn. In a new tweet she fired off, Kardashian wrote:
Tristan is equally to blame but Tristan is the father of my child. Regardless of what he does to me I won’t do that to my daughter. He has been addressing this situation PRIVATELY. If Tristan were to lie publicly about what conspired,then yes I would address him publicly as well
— Khloé (@khloekardashian) March 1, 2019
“Tristan is equally to blame but Tristan is the father of my child. Regardless of what he does to me I won’t do that to my daughter. He has been addressing this situation PRIVATELY. If Tristan were to lie publicly about what conspired,then yes I would address him publicly as well,” she said. Completely wrong choice in wording aside, this is officially EXTREMELY messy. We probably will never know the truth of what actually happened.
What do you think? Do you think Jordyn and Tristan hooked up, or it was just a peck on the lips?
Well, well, well, it looks like Jordyn Woods went from being called the “unidentified friend” in tabloid captions to being a household name overnight. I’m sure my girl Khloé is binge eating Halo Top (because Tristan isn’t worth the extra calories of Ben and Jerry’s) and wallowing with a mix of sappy break up ballads and sassy, empowering songs (Ariana Grande’s new album really couldn’t have come any sooner). Tristan has his basketball career to fall back on, and is a male, so he hasn’t been too affected by the cheating scandal. Jordyn, on the other hand, has lost everything. She lost her second family, her career as a Kardashian-adjacent person, and probably a lot of friends as well because she met Kylie through social overlap (specifically, mutual friend and failed Twitter philosopher Jaden Smith). While she’s worth around $5 million, one could argue that she got a number of jobs from the Kardashians, such as modeling for Yeezy and Khloé’s Good American, and working with Kylie on her cosmetics line. So all that’s gone to hell. Her other “jobs” include plus-size modeling, having an athleisure that no one’s ever heard of, and being a part-time DJ. Let’s face it, being a full-time DJ is hardly a career either. So we compiled a list of potential career paths Jordyn Woods can take now that she can’t benefit from being an honorary Kardashian.
Work At SUR
If you thought that I would be able to write an article without mentioning Vanderpump Rules, you are mistaken. So, I’m not sure if this is true or not because this “insider information” is from James Kennedy, but it would be amazing if Jordyn replaced Faith at SUR. Or any of the cast members, for that matter, because it’s obvious that none of them work there anymore except for James. Half of the cast has gotten their sh*t together, so their drama is so obviously contrived for the cameras. And the other half (and by other half, I solely mean Jax) just repeats the same scumbag storylines over and over again.
This show needs new blood, and this restaurant needs servers who aren’t so obviously after Instagram fame. Also, can we talk about the fact James is Team Khloé here? Literally all of the girls who are trying to ruin his life are buddy-buddy with her—including Kristen! Every girl knows the true sign of friendship is hating the same people, so don’t bother trying to sidle up to Khloé. Also, James, you’ve been caught cheating a million times. You’re Team Khloé on the streets, but Team Tristan in the sheets. You and Jordyn would get along swimmingly. Jordyn and Raquelle though? Not so much.
….Or Go On ‘Ex On The Beach’
Gotta be honest, I have no idea what this show is like. All I know is that Faith from Vanderpump Rules was on it. If this show was her fallback plan after she nearly broke up Jax and Brittany, then it’s a solid fallback plan for Jordyn as well. Also, being on any reality show is better than being on Life of Kylie.
Capitalize On Being A Social Media Influencer
I have often said that social media influencers are the absolute worst because the whole thing is so, so dumb. But if Jordyn is dumb enough to sleep with her best friend’s sister’s baby daddy, then I think she has the mental capacity to become the next Julia Rose, easily. After all, she does this kind of “work” already, and since the scandal with Tristan broke, her following has been increasing exponentially. So she already has a career that’ll last her until Instagram meets the same fate as Snapchat or Facebook. She probably won’t be as viable to hawk pricier items like Suspicious Antwerp or Danielle Guizio, however, I’m sure FabFitFun, DiffEyewear, and SugarBearHair are all chomping at the bit to send her free product.
Next time my parents call me a fuckup I’m just going to explain to them who Jordyn Woods is.
— sarafcarter (@sarafcarter) February 21, 2019
Write A Tell-All
Out of all of her options, this will grant her the most longevity. Believe me, I definitely, definitely know that novice writers don’t make much money. However, Jordyn’s foray into writing a tell-all about America’s royal family would rake in tons of money. They definitely have so much crazy sh*t going on behind the scenes that they keep even the worst people in their inner circle around because they know where the bodies are buried. After the book is released, she’ll have a whirlwind press tour where she tears up with Oprah Winfrey and does some lame-ass game with Jimmy Fallon. It will inevitably end when Ellen Degeneres overdoes it (yet again) by scaring her or doing some other beat-to-death jokes. Yet Jordyn will persevere because there will be a television series, documentary, film, etc. made from this. She’ll be reaping in royalties for years.
Launch A Makeup Line
If Jordyn can market Kylie’s lip kits, then she can market any kind of makeup. I mean, most of Kylie’s makeup line can only be worn by people who work at Hot Topic, people partying on Pride Day, and people who attend Electric Daisy Carnival. So Jordyn could easily start her own makeup line, especially if she stocks up on the Jordyn lip kits while they’re on clearance and then re-sells them at a profit. And, to be fair, she did just launch her own line of false eyelashes right at the peak of this cheating scandal. I mean, if Lala Kent can create a beauty line centered around herself being a rumored home-wrecker, then surely Jordyn can market a line of highlighters and uninspired liquid lipsticks with names like “Tristan”, “True”, and “The Makeout”. I mean, I wouldn’t not buy it.
Images: Giphy; sarafcarter / Twitter; itsjameskennedy / Instagram
As we all know by now, this week has been a pretty crazy time in the Kardashian-verse. We’ve always known that Tristan Thompson had a hard time keeping it in his pants, as evidenced by last year, when he publicly cheated on his very-pregnant girlfriend Khloé Kardashian. This week, 2019 Tristan told 2018 Tristan to hold his beer, and then f*cked things up in a way that I’m still just beginning to wrap my head around. We’ve all heard that he’s been dumped by Khloé after hooking up with Kylie’s BFF Jordyn Woods, but I really think he’s just doing fine. The silver lining for Tristan is obvious: he can walk away from a relationship that he clearly wasn’t that invested in anyway, and all he really has to worry about is if he’ll ever be allowed to see his daughter again (he will). Aside from that, Tristan is doing just fiiiiiine right now.
But, as it turns out, there might be a silver lining in all this drama for Jordyn, too! Her little bonus comes in the form of sweet, sweet Instagram followers. Before the news broke, she was at around 8 million followers. Now, she’s at 8.5 million, and still growing. Guys, all of us millenial degenerates have been wasting our time posting boomerangs of clinking champagne glasses and #OOTDS with dumbass hashtags like #VSCO or #mood. Turns out the entire time, we could’ve just slept with Tristan Thompson if we wanted some more followers. And if we’ve learned anything from this situation, it’s that Tristan Thompson will sleep with anyone. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that he’s 6’10, is in shape, and is 6’10. Sorry, I just can’t stop thinking about the fact that he’s 6’10.
So, if all else fails, at least it looks like Jordyn will still be able to pull in some pretty decent #spon opportunities based on her follower count alone. However, it must sting for Jordyn that it looks like Kylie Jenner has already replaced her. Since the drama broke, Kylie has just been…well…Kylie. No passive aggressive “inspirational” quotes or speaking out for her own flesh and blood. At first it was just selfies and hawking her makeup line, but there’s been an interesting development this evening. Kylie just posted a video to her story of herself with an anonymous friend. We do see some features that TOTALLY resemble Jordyn’s (crazy fake nails, killer curves), but other than that, the chick is borderline unidentifiable. However, a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it giveaway is that this new Jordyn clone doesn’t have Jordyn’s infamous gap teeth. DUN DUN DUN.
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I mean, that sucks if you’re Jordyn Woods, but Kylie is 1000% intentionally making us guess whether or not it’s Jordyn by obsessively watching the vid to the point where I feel like I’m Penn Badgley in You. But Kylie is making a grave mistake. If we’ve learned anything from The Devil Wears Prada, it’s that you should always hire the dowdy, adult virgin who shops at Talbots to be your assistant/friend. Right now, Kylie shouldn’t be surrounding herself with Jordyn Woods lookalikes, because that’s just going to cause more trouble. Personally, I would love to be her new best friend/bitch, if applications are still open.
For now, it seems like everyone in this equation is doing okay, but keep in mind that we haven’t actually heard from Jordyn Woods yet. Her follower count might be going up rapidly, but she’s still stuck sleeping on her mom’s couch at the end of the day. At least now, she can buy some lip kits from her Kylie collaboration at a steep discount!
Images: Shutterstock; @kyliejenner / Instagram
It’s been a dramatic couple of days, but Jordyn-gate is far from over. Yesterday, I spent literally my entire day at work scrolling through Instagram laughing at all the Jordyn Woods memes, but she’s probably not laughing right now. Sources are saying that Jordyn is moving out of Kylie’s house and back in with her mom, which feels…correct. Jordyn has basically spent the last three years mooching off of Kylie, so it’s going to be a tough time now that she has to pay for her own sh*t. But the Kardashian family has never been into showing sympathy, so they’re wasting no time in beginning their public roasting of Jordyn Woods.
The first to strike was Kourtney Kardashian, who posted to her story yesterday morning. This post kind of got lost in the chaos that was Instagram yesterday, but it’s a pretty great use of shade by Kourt.
Okay, so first of all, I need this sweater. Normally, I would say this piece of clothing just fits Kourtney’s general annoyed demeanor, but her posting this amidst the drama with Jordyn just can’t be a coincidence. Basically, Kourt is saying that the Kardashians made Jordyn, and now she can kindly get the f*ck out. California’s a big state, but Jordyn Woods is not safe.
Kourtney’s post was a fun bit of shade, but Khloé Kardashian came in hot and heavy on Thursday morning with the public-shaming Instagram stories.
I mean…damn. I don’t know how close Jordyn and Khloé actually are/were, but this is ice cold, and I feel like we can all relate a little bit.
Okay girl! Yes, please take this as a sign and drop Tristan’s ass forever! I would say that Khloé dodged a bullet, but she’s already spent years with Tristan and had a child with him, so that’s probably a little generous. Either way, he’s obviously a horrible guy, and I hope Khloé never gives him another chance. Thank u, next.
Of all of these shady-ass subtweets, this one probably hits the hardest. Khloé is clearly in a dark place right now, and she has no problem saying that Jordyn is the one who f*cked her up. She closed out her Instagram story attack with one last cryptic image, which is probably an accurate representation of her mental state right now.
While I would probably advise Khloé to just log off of social media for a minute and take some deep breaths, she’s also went on Twitter to throw one more little bit of shade. By that, I mean that she like a tweet in which Jordyn is called “a terrible woman,” and Tristan is called “a sick man.” Honestly, this makes me happy, because I don’t think Tristan has been getting nearly enough hate in this whole situation.
It’s 2019, so I fully believe that Khloé Kardashian knows that we can all see which tweets she likes. Thus, we all know where Khloé’s head is at right now, and she knows it too. Even if all of this turns out to be some insane publicity stunt, Khloé is playing to win, and it seems like she’s going to come out on top. Meanwhile, Jordyn is sleeping in her mom’s guest room and Tristan is on a one-way flight back to Cleveland right now. Sad!
On a semi-related note, Jonathan Cheban AKA Foodgod, our least favorite Kardashian-adjacent scum, was completely in his own world yesterday. He reposted a video on his story of a prayer candle with his face on it, and the post had Jordyn Woods tagged in it.
Jesus Christ Jonathan, read a f*cking room for once in your life. I’m hoping Kim put him in timeout for at least an hour for reposting this, because it definitely doesn’t go with the family message of icing Jordyn out completely. Am I surprised by Jonathan Cheban doing something completely self-serving and tone-deaf? No! I! Am! Not! What a clown.
As always, we will be closely monitoring this story for additional updates/shady Instagram stories, because this is my Super Bowl. Right now, I’m sending positive thoughts to Khloé Kardashian, because I’m starting to be worried that she might murder Jordyn and/or Tristan. This is so fun!
Images: Shutterstock; @kourtneykardash, @khloekardashian (4), @foodgod / Instagram; @khloekardashian / Twitter