We’re only one week into 2018, but we’ve already found what might be our favorite/least favorite thing of the year. It involves Jonathan Cheban eating pizza, and we’re dying.
Jonathan, who’s previously best known for being Kim Kardashian’s closeted sidekick, has decided that he’s going to be called “foodgod” from now on. It’s probably the most unqualified a person’s ever been for a job since I filed a few documents at my dad’s office for $20 one time and proceeded to put “legal assistant” on my resume. Someone at the New York Post
is getting paid to indulge Jonathan’s every whim also believes in this new persona for Jonathan, so Page Six followed him to a pizza place called Krave It in Queens, where he spent some time harassing customers and acting like a fool.
Jonathan doesn’t seem to have any real ties to food other than that he loves to eat it, and if that’s all it takes to make you a god, you can call me the Cheese, Wine, Tequila, and Pizza Rolls God. There’s nothing worse than that friend who acts like they’re a world-renowned food critic because they like to take shitty pictures of their brunch. Like, sit down Becky, you’re not Padma Lakshmi.
Before we get into the plot of the video—if you can call it that—we need to discuss the production first. The footage of Jon eating the various pizzas is frequently interrupted by these weird interludes of cheesy metal music with a guy whispering “Food God” laid over it that Jonathan definitely scored himself. It’s like he typed “cool guy music instrumentals” into Google and chose the first track that came up. Also, he definitely uses Comic Sans in his captions. Somebody needs to tell Jonathan this isn’t 2003.
Jon tries his hand at twirling pizza dough, which he’s fucking horrible at, and he shows off his diamond pizza slice necklace, which we probably could have paid our rent for the next three months with. He also goes around the restaurant asking a bunch of confused diners if they know who he is, and the results are, um, mixed. Two girls recognize him right away, but the rest of the people are literally like, “get the fuck away from me.”
Here’s an actual moment from this video. Jonathan stops mid-bite of his pizza to accost two poor girls who are just trying to eat. “I was on a very big television show for 10 years,” he says to them as if Keeping Up With The Kardashians were his own show, “but now I’m the foodgod and all I do is eat, 365 days a year.” Yeah, Jonathan, so do most people who are not starving.
We can’t say we love “foodgod,” but honestly if Jonathan keeps making an ass of himself we will continue to watch. Okay, now I want pizza.
Watch the whole video below, if you can make it through the whole thing.
Jonathan Cheban, professional friend of Kim Kardashian, is not one to be messed with. We know this because we once made the mistake of writing and publishing an article called “A List Of Questions We Have For Jonathan Cheban After Stalking His Instagram.” Jonathan did not like that, and we promptly got blocked. If we have a famous hater, does that make us famous? IDK. But we’re not the only ones who’ve felt the wrath of The Cheban on social media—just ask some random guy named Trevor who made the mistake of mentioning Jonathan on Twitter. It’s important to note that he didn’t even tag The Chebs (my new nickname for Jonathan that he’ll probably hate and then end up blocking me over); he just mentioned his name in a tweet. Jonathan must either have Google alerts set on his phone to let him know everytime someone mentions his name, or else he has a Twitter mentions intern, because he is incredibly thorough. Jonathan Cheban like the Bloody Mary of social media: If you say his name, he will appear.
So anyway, this guy Trevor wrote a joke on Twitter, as one does:
LOL, classic Trevor.
I did a quick .2 second Google search and deduced that Above Average, where the article quoted in the tweet comes from, is a comedy website. But I mean, I didn’t even need to do that, seeing as anyone with a functioning frontal lobe could reasonably conclude that a rat is not earnestly employed by Kanye West to chew holes in his Yeezy clothing line. (But if one is, I want his job.)
Most times when you tweet at a celebrity you don’t expect a response, but Jonathan Cheban is no average celebrity. In some screen shots we were emailed by one of Trevor’s friends, Jonathan clapped back in a DM. I would like to note here that we did not verify the authenticity of said DM, because we’re not fucking CSI. Also I would have messaged Jonathan on Twitter and ask him to verify the tweet, but like I said, he blocked us. Anyway, buckle the fuck up, because this was Jon’s response to this (fairly innocuous and admittedly funny) joke:
Like, whoa. Way harsh, Jon. I appreciate that he’s taken a page out of Chad “I’ll buy your family and make them my family” Johnson’s Twitter feud playbook, but damn. I would insert my commentary, but honestly, this message speaks for itself.
And in case you were wondering (I know I was), Jonathan Cheban does actually own multiple companies, including a clothing line, Kritik; a restaurant, Sushi MiKasa; a screen protector/mirror product called Glam Screen; an entertainment and lifestyle website called The Dishh; and a fast food restaurant called Burger Bandit that I am told has some of the best burgers in Lynbrook, Long Island. All of that information came straight from Wikipedia and not a direct threat I just received from the Cheban camp, BTW.
So I guess the lesson here is if you come for Jonathan Cheban, you best not miss. Now if you’ll all join me in a brief moment of silence for our Twitter mentions. RIP.
If you have trouble explaining to your parents what the Kardashians do, try answering the same question about Jonathan Cheban. I mean, don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with being famous for being Kim Kardashian’s tag-along bestie who jets around the world trying the four-cheese lasagna dish at Italian restaurants and making random appearances in the Fountainebleau lobby, but let’s not pretend he does anything more than that. We’ve been following our favorite barely-out-of-the-closet foodie on Instagram for a while, but now that Keeping Up is back on air and we get to see Jonathan’s spray-tanned face every Sunday night, we decided to go through his Instagram feed and write down some of the questions we have for him. Here we go:
Why are you still trying to make ‘Foodgōd’ happen?
We’re gonna need the full story about how you stumbled upon the nickname “Foodgōd,” and whether or not you stole it from a chubby 9-year-old boy’s Snapchat username. We understand that being rich and bored can cause anyone to travel around the globe trying churros in Paris and truffle pizza in the South of France, but don’t you think the name kinda ruins the glamour of it all? Like, did you think you were pulling a “Lord Disick” move, but in the foodie world? Were you hoping a Cooking Mama-style video game would be named after you? Was your intention to be the next Guy Fieri, minus the greasy hair and impending heart attack? Also, what the fuck is with the accent over the O? You’re from New Jersey.
Why are you so obsessed with The Kardashians?
So, we obviously understand they’re the reason for your fame/existence, but are the constant references completely necessary? Jonathan is constantly advertising for the Kardashians’ products, whether it be their show, their app, Khloé’s denim line, or Kylie’s holiday palette. Are they paying you to promote their brand? Like, are you gonna start writing #ad on selfies with North and P? Plus, when you post clips of you on the show, it’s just awkward because you’re literally there to fill space. The Kardashians don’t actually care whether or not you think Kris’ new botox looks natural, and they don’t think it’s cool that you have a Yeezy Season 3 poster hanging above your bed. I mean, how many times have you taken the “How well do you know the Kardashians” quiz on Buzzfeed?
Who goes to this many fucking basketball games?
The Kardashians have gotten a lot of shit about their basketball player obsession over the years, but they’ve gotten over it, so why haven’t you left the stadium? We understand it looks somewhat cool to be sitting front row at a Heat game once in a while, but you’ve taken it to new levels, and it’s weird. Has the American Airlines Arena just become somewhere you spend time when you’re early to your Makoto reservation? Is this your attempt to look equally sporty and chic while catching a glimpse of Gabrielle Union? Or is this something deeper? Maybe you’re trying to make up for some childhood insecurity about being picked last in gym class? Please send over an explanation as soon as the game’s over and you get your selfie with Chris Bosh.
Who is taking all of these solo shots?
The amount of solo shots on Jonathan’s Instagram is honestly mind-blowing, and it’s not like they’re selfies or paparazzi shots that he’s reposting. They’re clearly taken on an iPhone, and we need to know who the fuck is willingly taking them. Do you ask the pilot on your private jet to snap a pic of you before takeoff? Do you give the Nobu waiters a bigger tip if they snap a candid photo of you eating your spicy tuna sashimi? We understand that you’ve taken #EatingForTheInsta to new heights, and we’re not judging you for wanting to document every luxury massage and hotel suite you’re being paid to promote, but we’re gonna need to know who is agreeing to take these pics.
There is more, but we don’t have all day and we don’t want to overwhelm Jonathan. Clearly, his Instagram creates wayyyy more questions than it does answers and will require significantly more investigation before we are able to come to any conclusions. But before we go, there’s just one final question Cheban fans (do these exist?) need answered: Are you okay? Like, seriously.