So apparently the CDC is announcing that fully vaccinated people no longer have to wear a mask outdoors. And while all you sheeple might be rejoicing over being able to get Vitamin D to the lower half of your face and actually see what people look like when you pass them on the street, I’m not going to blindly follow some rules set forth by the government, even if they are in my best interest. I simply won’t do it. I won’t take off the mask! You can’t make me. I have freedoms, dammit, and rights, and I won’t be changing my behavior because a bunch of people with medical degrees tell me to. I went to a private liberal arts college to get a bachelors in creative writing, I’m no dummy!
Sue me, but I like wearing the mask, especially outdoors. I like that I can mouth along to my favorite Taylor Swift song while walking to the grocery store and nobody can tell what I’m doing under there. I also enjoy that I can make all the judgey facial expressions I want, and no one is the wiser! Is that such a crime?? Plus, if we’re being honest, I’ve gotten some killer maskne around my chin and upper lip, and I’m just not ready to debut that to the world yet. That tiny piece of cloth is cute, it’s breathable, and it hides half of my face from the world. If I want to keep it on forever, I’m going to do just that! And if I also want to drink a hard seltzer while walking down the street, I’m going to do that too, because last time I checked, this was a free country. (It goes without saying that I am white.) Laws? Never heard of ‘em!
Speaking of the CDC, how can we believe a single thing they say when they’re constantly updating the information as new research comes out? I like my guidelines like I like my Constitutional amendments: not updated in hundreds of years, even though we are in dire need of change.
Where are they getting this so-called information from, anyway? Oh, what, peer reviewed studies from the brightest minds in the field? Then how come I haven’t seen a single one of my high school friends post about it, hmm?
So you’re telling me it’s just a coincidence that, just in time for summer, when we’re sweating and our skin is oilier than ever—that’s when it’s suddenly okay to take the mask off outside? When we need more foundation to cover up our blemishes, different shades of foundation to go along with our tans, not to mention SPF?? How convenient! Seems like a ploy from Big Makeup to get us to buy more beauty products to me. Open your eyes!
You all have fun believing whatever the “scientists” tell you to believe. My friend from high school, Jenna (well actually, she’s not really a friend—in fact, she once told the whole school I was a slut despite the fact that I’d never even kissed anybody, but we just randomly got back in touch), who has a small business selling vegan cosmetics, is looking out for me. Unlike these scientists who just want to make more money. Yes, Jenna earns a small commission off every purchase of the $60 mascara and $45 eyeshadow, what of it? She said I’d be great at what she does, and it only costs a small startup fee of $99!
Go ahead, laugh. But when you get judgey looks for coughing into your elbow sans covering and swear it’s just allergies, don’t come crying to me.
Images: Yury Goryanoy /Stocksy
We all spend many hours each day lusting over Ed Sheeran, who’s indisputably the most desirable man on Earth. Not only is he an amazing musician, but he’s also extremely sensitive, kind, charming, sensitive, thoughtful…and did we mention he’s extremely sensitive? It’s so sweet. Unlike the much cooler and stereotypically attractive men in your life, someone like Ed would treat you like his most prized possession and never, ever let you down (or give you up). Clearly Ed Sheeran is the ultimate bae, and at the risk of giving you a heart attack from the amount of cuteness here, we’re going to share our top reasons why.
1. He’s an international superstar, but still constantly talks about how he wasn’t cool in high schoo, which shows us he’s totally over it.
2. He’s very mentally stable, as exhibited by this enormous tiger tattoo on his chest.
3. He’s been good friends with Taylor Swift for years, another sign of his sanity and impeccable taste.
4. Those who know him say he’s a really nice person—like, obsessively so. Just ask this kitten.
5. And if you started dating him, he’d constantly smother you with sweetness by only speaking in his beautiful song lyrics.
…Even after it got old really fast and you were no longer able to have actual conversations.
6. He’d wake up at the crack of dawn every morning to serenade you with his guitar.
7. Sometimes you’d wake up in the middle of the night and feel his intense eye contact already on you.
8. Actually, he might be standing outside your window right now.
9. He’s a hopeless romantic, as in he’ll never give up hope in trying to date you even after you issue a restraining order.
10. He’ll chase you forever until you can’t escape because he’s Ed Sheeran: the most adorable, perfect person ever and the ultimate bae!
Hey guys. I’ve got something I need to get off my chest. I’ve said some mean shit about Meghan Trainor in the past (here, here, and basically every day in casual conversation). I’ve called her “fucking obnoxious” and repeatedly trashed her outfits, her music, and her personality. And I was wrong.
First of all, Meghan can fucking sing. Her voice kind of sounds like a mix of Adele and Beyoncé but better, you know what I mean? She definitely doesn’t sound like a nasally goat—wherever would you get that idea? Meghan says her music is inspired by everyone from Frank Sinatra to T-Pain, and boy does it show. Her music is also amazing to dance to, with sick beats AND catchy lyrics. But more than that, Meghan’s songs are soooo empowering. Seriously, when will your fave have lyrics like this: “My life’s a movie, Tom Cruise / So bless me baby, achoo.” So inspirational. Like, she just rhymed Tom Cruise with the sound of a fake sneeze, that’s some Kanye level shit. Or here’s an even better one: “My name is no, my sign is no, my number is no.” One central theme of her songs is repeating herself over and over again, which is great because you really get the inspirational message that way.
Queen Meghan’s music is #onfleek, but so is her fashion. Before, we gave her shit for wearing a brown dress to the Grammys, but now we love it. Brown is actually the most flattering color, who knew! Her two favorite red carpet looks are head-to-toe glitter and lace, which we especially love when paired together. Our fashion advice is always more is more! Our favorite look of hers was this gorgeous mummy looking gown that combined both brown and glitter!
Meghan Trainor at Marie Claire’s Image Maker Awards 2016 https://t.co/k9UwJFqbkH pic.twitter.com/lxYcmRpp11
— FirstLook App (@FirstLookLive) January 13, 2016
So chic we could die!
But easily the most important part of Meghan is her tireless feminism. She solidified her status as an icon in the fight for equality early on, with her hit song “Dear Future Husband,” which sadly did not receive the many Grammys it deserved. The song is a testament to the values of a modern woman, like pining for a husband and thinking about how awesome it’ll be to have a husband and not caring about much else besides finding a husband. Here at Betches we think women with careers are okay, but we have much more respect for a girl who just wants to find a man and then sit on her ass for the next 30 years. It’s 2017, you’ve earned it! So move over Emma Watson, there’s a new feminist icon in town, and she has an ass, which she constantly reminds us about.
So thank you, Meghan, for all you’ve done for us, and keep up the good work. Sorry you couldn’t hang onto Charlie Puth, but you’ll probably hook up with a decently cute ex-boy band member soon. Best of luck in 2017, I’m always rooting for you!
It should go without saying, but in case you missed it, betches love Jennifer Lawrence. After years of being Hollywood’s fave Cool Girl, it’s time we recognized the amount of effort she puts into seeming effortless. Honestly, she’s an inspiration to us all, and I have not once gotten tired of seeing her face plastered everywhere since 2013, or whatever year that one movie about extreme camping came out. I didn’t pay attention; I was too busy believing every word Jennifer Lawrence said about maintaining a perfect body sans exercise or clean eating. But if her in-no-way-grating “honesty” hasn’t managed to turn you into a superfan yet, here are seven reasons JLaw is #lifegoals forever.
1. She’s Graceful
Like every action star, Jennifer Lawrence is always poised and camera-ready in public. But oh my god, wouldn’t it be the most relatable thing ever if she fell on the red carpet?
2. She Has Great Taste In Tattoos
It’s super cute that JLaw’s first tattoo is a scientifically inaccurate reminder to stay hydrated. I mean, if you’re going to get something tattooed on your body forever, you might as well make sure it’s pointless, half-faded, and jumbled looking from the get-go. Besides, isn’t it, like, super cute that she forgets to drink water, a basic human function?
3. She’s Irresistibly Sexy
As a famous person, JLaw can have any dude she wants and definitely has no trouble getting a date. That time she told Vogue her hymen was growing back from a lack of sex doesn’t count because she was just being cute.
4. She’s Super Polite
Our girl Jennifer has never spoken rudely to a journalist in her life. Just look at every press conference she’s ever given—this is a woman that respects the press and understands that publicity is the reason she’s a movie star.
5. She Never Complains.
JLaw understands that being a celebrity means she’ll never want for food, money, or hookups ever again, and she never complains because that would be gauche. “I am lonely every Saturday night. Guys are so mean to me,” she said once. Such a trooper!
6. She can party with the best of us.
Jennifer Lawrence might puke basically every time she drinks, but that’s what friends are for. Who wouldn’t want to spend the entirety of an Adele concert holding back her flaxen hair?
7. She Has Eaten Pizza
Before Jennifer Lawrence, no woman had ever publicly disclosed that she likes pizza. Every time Jen talks about craving pizza, fries, or some other junk food, it’s a win for feminism.
Thank you, Jennifer Lawrence, for being the totally relatable millionaire/Oscar-winner/world-famous celeb we all know and some of us love.
