Sad news for you as a 13-year-old. Uncle Jesse is engaged. John Stamos proposed to actress Caitlin McHugh at Disneyland this past weekend, because stars are just like us: corny as hell.
McHugh and Stamos have been low-key dating for the past two years (seriously, I feel like I never heard of this relationship?), and apparently they like…really fucking love Disneyland. Oh, and if you think that proposal was just your run-of-the-mill guy-gets-down-on-one-knee-in-front-of-Sleeping-Beauty’s-castle BS, then you don’t know shit about John Stamos. This proposal apparently included a film of romantic moments from Disney/Pixar movies, ending on Sebastian from The Little Mermaid saying “Just ask the girl.” And the award for Excellence in Extra-ness goes to…
McHugh said yes because like, duh. She’s an actress who likes Disney that was just proposed to in the most Disney-fied way ever. TBH all this proposal needed were some singing animals and a jealous witch standing nearby and it could have been the next Frozen.
So yeah, I think it is safe to say these two grown-ass adults really fucking love Disneyland. I hope my future fiancé (if he exists) finds a way to incorporate my favorite things into his proposal. Though tequila and talking shit about people are slightly less romantic.
Anyone who tells you we don’t need feminism anymore is officially an idiot, but there are some redeeming things about being a woman in 2017. We can vote, open credit cards without our husband’s approval (and max them out on shit we don’t need), and most importantly, objectify men to our heart’s content. It’s practically our duty as modern women to turn the tables and make our grandmothers proud.
Well, not my grandmother in particular, but surely some elderly woman out there somewhere would approve. Maybe that lady from The Golden Girls?
All this is to say that as you read the following list of the hottest older men in Hollywood, you’re basically doing gender equality a favor—reversal of the male gaze and all that jazz. Btw, if you’re not normally into dating people your dad’s age (reasonable), consider this your reminder that age is just a number when you have access to the world’s best dermatologists and your livelihood depends on being absurdly attractive. Enjoy.
1. Idris Elba
Idris Elba is British, more than six feet tall, and everyone wants him to play James Bond. Move the fuck over, Daniel Craig.
2. Pharrell Williams
Not only does he have a ridiculously perfect voice, but he also has better skin as a 44-year-old man than you could ever hope to achieve. We’re actually not sure that Pharrell is actually 44; we’re pretty sure he’s a 116-year-old who sold his soul to the devil many years ago in exchange for eternal youth. But whatever, he fine. If only he would lose the stupid hat.
3. Hugh Jackman
More like Hugh Jacked-man. Right? Right?? I’ll stop now. Mahalo.
4. Jeffrey Dean Morgan
I challenge you to watch the latest season of The Walking Dead without wanting to hate-fuck Jeffrey Dean Morgan’s character. I refuse to believe I’m the only one.
5. John Stamos
He was hot as Uncle Jesse, and now John Stamos is hot as… whatever he’s doing now. Reminding people he was Uncle Jesse?
6. Pierce Brosnan
Pierce Brosnan can out-smoulder a dormant volcano. Pierce Brosnan, BTW, is a former James Bond—not to be confused with Piers Morgan, that British conservative talk show guy who everybody hates.
7. Antonio Banderas
Ignore the fact that he voiced Puss in Boots and appeared in Interview with a Vampire, and focus on his accent and cheekbones. Don’t lie; you were in love with him since his Spy Kids days.
8. Lenny Kravitz
Is Lenny Kravitz drinking the same magical age-defying elixir as Pharrell?
9. Norman Reedus
Yes, he looks kind of unwashed and eerily resembles the guy you see roaming around the campgrounds at Coachella without any friends or camping gear in sight, but check out those arms. That’s the kind of muscle I’d want on my side during a zombie apocalypse for ogling and survival purposes.
10. George Clooney
Do I really need to say anything?
11. Blair Underwood
Sorry Gossip Girl, but this is probably the hottest Blair in history.
12. Jason Isaacs
Jason Isaacs is famous for two reasons: 1) playing some guy in the Harry Potter movies, and 2) being hot.
13. Daniel Dae Kim
JFC, can he put away those cheekbones? You’re gonna cut someone with those.
14. Daniel Day Lewis
Different Daniel Day, same ridiculously perfect bone structure. Although it would be cool if he would quit taking roles that make him ugly on purpose.
15. Colin Firth
You had to know this was coming. Colin Firth is universally acknowledged as the hottest middle-aged man in the universe, let alone Hollywood.