It’s a sad day in Bachelor Nation, as Bachelor In Paradise alums Kendall Long and Joe Amabile announced their breakup. Excuse me for a moment while I go collect myself. On a scale of one to Bachelor-couples-we-actually-care-about, I’ve gotta say, this is up there. As a quick refresher, Joe appeared first on Becca’s season of The Bachelorette, where he got famous as Grocery Store Joe, despite being sent home on night one, because he was so cute and pure. Kendall made it to the final three of Arie’s season, but honestly, she probably dodged a bullet there. Just think, she could be married with a baby and flipping houses in Phoenix right now!
Kendall and Joe met on season 5 of Bachelor in Paradise, and they kind of seemed like they were meant to be from the beginning. Kendall got cold feet about how fast their relationship was moving, and Joe left Paradise, but they got back together shortly after when she visited him in Chicago. Kendall is from LA, and Joe moved there when he went on Dancing With The Stars in the fall of 2018. That feels like it was 200 years ago, but I also literally don’t know what day it is right now.
Things seemed to be going well, but Kendall and Joe surprised everyone by announcing their split on Wednesday. In a joint statement to Bachelor Nation, they gave us some insight on why they’re splitting: “We have decided mutually to go our separate ways. Joe has made the decision to move back to Chicago while Kendall will be remaining in her hometown of Los Angeles. Our family and friends have always been an extremely important element to who we are as people. We can’t imagine continuing our lives without them closer, especially when thinking of starting a family of our own one day. We both respect each others’ decision and still have a great deal of love for each other. We appreciate all the love and support everyone has given us throughout our relationship.”
So basically, Joe wants to be closer to home in Chicago, and Kendall isn’t down to leave LA. Tale as old as time. It’s a logistical issue that’s led to countless breakups, so it kind of makes sense, even though I am incredibly bummed. I hope that’s really what happened here, because I hate to think that anything messy could’ve happened with this couple. They were posting happy pictures with each other as recently as a few weeks ago, so I don’t think we’ll be getting any Jordan and Jenna level drama here, thank god.
Really, the biggest question here is whether Joe and/or Kendall will return to Bachelor in Paradise this summer, because I could see either of them thriving if they came back. Like, no pressure or anything, but I would love to get some more shirtless Grocery Store Joe footage on my TV. ABC producers, please take note. But while this breakup is definitely sad news, I would also like to make it expressly clear to Joe that my DMs are wiiiiiiide open. Just saying!
Images: Morgan Lieberman/Getty Images; keykendall88 / Instagram
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In the Bachelorette seasons of yore, once the contestants were eliminated, we never had to think of them again. They would go home and get right back on that golf course with their frat brothers! Or watch the episodes of Blue Bloods they DVR’d while they were away in peace! It was a simpler (but still very white) time. But now, thanks to social media, even an obscure nobody who went home on night one can end up making a living selling Fab Fit Fun boxes. I believe this is what we call the American Dream, folks. Last season it was, of course, Grocery Store Joe, who parlayed his social media stardom into a trip to Bachelor in Paradise, Dancing with the Stars, and Kendall’s heart. It went so well for him I don’t think he’ll need to be restocking the Snickers Ice Cream bars any time soon. This season, we have #JusticeforMattDonald.
WHAT!! MATT DONALD GOT ROBBED!! SOMEONE GROCERY STORE JOE HIM FAST #thebachelorette
— Evan Bass (@ebassclinics) May 14, 2019
I first noticed the Matt Donald love in the comments of last week’s Bachelorette recap. Yes, It’s Britney, Betch and I do screen the comments of each other’s articles for the sake of our mental health. Unfortunately, we’re still unwell. Anyways, then I hit up the Bachelor subreddit, which pointed me in the direction of this interview with Matt, and alerted me to the Twitter hashtag. Yes, I was late to the party, but that’s only because Twitter scares me more than navigating the GW Bridge at rush hour with my grandma driving, okay? I avoid it at all costs. So, since Matt Donald is the internet’s new boyfriend, let’s take a look at what makes him so special.
After Matt was eliminated on night one, a lot of people were shocked. First, ABC gave him one of the coveted intro spots. Yes, I know they always profile people who end up going home on night one, but I would argue the girl that listed her profession as “Chicken Enthusiast” deserved to get eliminated, whereas the sweet guy with the deaf family maybe did not. Matt was also one of the only guys who managed an interesting entrance. Let’s take a gander:
Sure, I was so second-hand embarrassed for him after this aired I refused to leave my bed for six days and my only interaction was with my pizza guy, but still at least he tried. And I thought Hannah liked cheesy *cough* Cam the white rapper *cough*. And finally, Matt was too precious for this world, because he worried that his entrance made him appear goofy and not serious about the Bachelorette process. Oh, honey. I would love to think that kindly about myself after a rejection. It’s because she didn’t want to bang you.
Now that we know all about Matt’s brief appearance on The Bachelorette and why the internet is obsessed with him, is he worth all the hype? After looking at his Instagram that I’m sure is not carefully curated in any way, my answer is a resounding YES. As we learned from the show, Matt’s family is deaf, and so he uses sign language to communicate with them. Fine, cool, whatever. But did you know HE BOUGHT HIS MOM A MERCEDES?!
WHAT?! My mom recently bought someone a $700 bridal shower gift that was supposed to be from the two of us, and I told her instead of giving her half the money, I’d buy her an iced tea on the drive up. So he’s clearly less of a sh*t than me. If this is the kind of gift Matt gives his mother, imagine what he’d give to the woman sucking his d*ck?!
Matt Donald apparently doesn’t just love his family, but is also a dog lover. OMG he got a puppy for his family for Christmas! Excuse me, where can I get an application to be this dude’s girlfriend? I’ve dated a guy just because there was a puppy in his vicinity on the subway before, so knowing that that Matt has a real tangible ball of fur in his possession is really winning me over.
And finally, Matt Donald ain’t too hard on the eyes. I mean, he doesn’t have Luke’s PED physique, but you also don’t have to hear him talk about Crossfit while he’s on top of you. Plus, things aren’t looking too bad under that tight white henley. I approve. And this is coming from a woman who is actively disturbed by grown men with blonde hair. It’s a personal issue I know I’ve mentioned here before. We all have our crosses to bear.
So it looks like America knows what we’re talking about! We need #JusticeforMattDonald. He better be on Paradise this summer. Because let’s be real, if the producers didn’t force Hannah to choose John Paul Jones in hopes that he would murder her and they’d have THE MOST DRAMATIC episode of 20/20 of all time, Matt would still be on the show. The least they could do is give him the chance to get a full body massage from Caelynn on the beach in Mexico. Okay, Chris Harrison?
Images: ebassclinics/Twitter; bacheloretteabc, oldmattdonald22/Instagram (3)