For millennials and Gen-Zers, the COVID-19 pandemic is the most intense economic and social crisis we have faced in our lifetime. At first not everyone was taking it seriously (and some spring breakers in Florida still aren’t) but as things have gotten exponentially worse in such a short time, we are all faced with a new reality. And that reality looks a hell of lot like working from home for an undefined time period, if you are lucky enough to be able to do so.
Working from home for a couple days here or there is completely different from WFH indefinitely, which is sadly what the future holds right now. That fact in and of itself can be demotivating, so here are a few tips of how to stay motivated and productive when you’re stuck working from home.
Since you can’t go over to someone’s desk to talk to them like in the good old days, chances are you’re relying on a chat service like Slack to interact with your coworkers, or at a bare minimum, email. Think of all those little convos you have at work that aren’t necessarily meetings, but still are about projects you’re working on, like the quick unplanned touch base you and your work wife have as you make avocado toast in the office kitchen. Keep those convos alive—emails or Slack messages don’t all have to be super formal requests. Letting people know what you are working on and just providing status updates also helps motivate others because let’s be real, even in the office we can’t help but to think sometimes “WTF is that person even doing?” is they’re not Slacking you back immediately. But don’t just limit this to some people—keep your team and your manager informed.
Be Empathetic To Your Coworkers
If there was a time to be good f*cking coworker, this is it. Everyone deals with stress and anxiety differently, and this is a highly stressful time. There also tons of different work from home situations that make things even stressful, like parents who are now home with their children, someone who lives alone and is struggling, or those people who now find themselves trying to have a conference call at the same time as their S.O. Now more than ever, you don’t know what people are dealing with, so before you send that aggressive Slack, think for an extra second.
Encourage Non-Working Ways Of Staying Connected
If you’re lucky enough to consider (some of) your coworkers your friends, that means you just went from seeing them all day every day to literally not at all. In the time of WFH, not everything has to be strictly business—get a virtual happy hour going through programs like Airtime, Zoom, or House Party, because let’s be real, you’re all looking for an excuse to start drinking at 4:30pm anyway.
Conduct Business As Usual
Don’t operate under the assumption that projects or conversations can wait until you’re back at work, since we legit have no idea when that will be. You don’t want to be the one person slacking off only to realize your entire team is operating status quo. Stay on top of your sh*t, create and maintain deadlines, and keep projects flowing. Despite this being a beyond hectic time, business as usual must continue to keep operations carrying on as seamlessly as possible.
Create Structure Around Your Day
If you used to work out before work, keep it up. If you used to work out after work, don’t stop just because you’ve spent all day inside. We all know it’s a hell of lot less motivating working out in the same space you’re spending all of your time in, so encourage yourself by taking an at-home workout class. We put together a list of 16 fitness apps and studios that are offering their home workout services online for free—check them out here. You’re welcome.
Take A Damn Shower & Change Out Of Your Pajamas
We’re not saying to take this as far as wearing jeans, but take a shower and put on some real clothes (and by real clothes we mean leggings and maybe a bra). We’ll take whatever hack we can to stay focused and feel like a real person during this extended WFH period and we guarantee the better you feel, the better you’re going to do at your job.
Images: Sincerely Media / Unsplash; @betches (2), @fatcarriebradshaw, @sarafcarter / Instagram
Your first job is like your first boyfriend in that you truly think he’s perfect, but then again, you have nothing to compare him to, so you may not even know you’re with a total loser until after you’ve broken up. When my college boyfriend of two years broke up with me, I reached a whole new level of devastated that I didn’t even realize was humanly possible. How could this person who wept in front of me when his grandmother died, surprised me in my hometown for my birthday, and paid for all of my Chipotle burritos (with every add-on you could think of) not want to be with me forever? Fast-forward like six months, and that time and distance made me realize both how wrong we were for each other and how much he f*cking sucked as a person. After him, I took note of all the things I did and didn’t want in my next boyfriend. It really was the year of realizing stuff. Just call me Kylie Jenner.
Leaving your first job should feel the same way. Even if you loved it, you should still walk away with a sense of what you want and don’t want in your next position. I, for instance, loved what I was doing at my first job so much that I didn’t even care about having to live in the trap house that was my apartment, which was the only place I could afford on my laughably small salary. I was an editor at a ~luxury~ magazine and it made me feel like Miranda motherf*ckin Priestly (minus all the power, money, and ability to own a home) because I got invited to every party, media dinner, and opening you can imagine. I also got free facials, clothes, trips, etc., so you can imagine that walking away from “the good life,” as Kanye says, may have been a little tough.
However, what ultimately made me want to leave was the fact that I didn’t see much opportunity to climb the editorial ladder and tbh I didn’t want to stay in the South forever. So after I left, I had the time and distance I needed to realize that my first job was f*cked up in more ways than one. Knowing that and knowing why helped me find my next job (also at a magazine), which I actually love. No matter what industry your first job out of college is in, these are the key takeaways you should walk away with after leaving.
1. Respect For The Product
I obviously don’t mean this literally since not all companies produce something, but it’s really important that you respect, understand, and appreciate what the company does. After I left my Job From Hell, I flipped through a few of the previous issues and noticed that we only covered sh*tty companies/people who paid an embarrassing amount of money for full-page ads. At the end of the day, I couldn’t really stand behind what I wrote.
Doing something you love is the most important thing because, let’s face it, we spend all of our time at our jobs and you may as well enjoy your many hours
locked working in a giant freezer office doing something you give actually sh*t about.
2. How (Not) To Interact With Your Manager
If this is your first job, chances are you have a manager and, believe it or not, there are a few not-so-chill ways to interact with them! At my first job, my editor and I were pretty close in age and she happened to be really cool, so naturally we became friends. As fun as it was working with my friend, it was also pretty f*cking awkward when she had to reprimand me for doing something wrong. Like, are we still going out for drinks later or are we in a fight because you fully yelled at me just now?
Having a friendly rapport with your manager is great, but I’d be careful about being legit friends with them. It just confuses the hierarchy and can ultimately ruin your friendship, which in turn will make going to work suck. Keep a respectable distance between you two so that you can f*ck around a little at work, but it won’t be totally uncomfortable if and when sh*t hits the fan.
3. How To Stand Up For Yourself
When you’re in an entry level position, you may feel like you’re working for your grandparents because everyone is constantly reminding you that you’re young and don’t know how to do anything. As much as I didn’t want to be the annoying millennial who was offended by everything, in some instances, you can and should stand up for yourself.
The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad world in which we live, sexual harassment is generally the first thing that comes to mind when I hear the phrases “entry level employee” and “stand up for yourself,” and you definitely should. But there are plenty of low-level offenses we forget about and shouldn’t let slide. Like, when you’re working on a project and put 97% of your effort into it and then your sh*thead co-worker swoops in and spends a lousy five minutes doing the last 3% then turns the project in as if she did the whole damn thing. Nope!
Obviously, pick your battles wisely, but if something is going down that’s legitimately making you upset, don’t just bend over and take it. If you let these shenanigans go on for too long, you’re basically telling your coworkers that it’s totally cool if they f*ck with you forever. Is it? Is it cool?
4. Negotiating Is Allowed
I happened to be an intern at the company that ended up hiring me, so when my future editor pulled me into a conference room and offered me the position by writing my “salary” on a sticky note and asked if that’s okay with me, I should have said, “No, it’s not!” First of all, never accept a job on the spot; always take a few days to think about it and negotiate benefits and salary. The fact that the number was tragically low wasn’t even the problem; I just didn’t think to try to negotiate because I
’m dumb I had no sense of what a competitive salary in that industry even was. Go on Glassdoor to read other employees’ reviews on the company and to see salaries to get an idea of whether or not you’re being lowballed.
Generally, companies welcome negotiations. That doesn’t always mean they will accept your final offer, but they will rarely just slap a number on the table and refuse to entertain any discussions. Don’t be afraid to whip out your flea market negotiating skills, people.
5. Have A Career Development Plan
Look, I think five-year-plans are stupid. Sorry, but not really. Life is too unpredictable for a multi-year plan. Here’s why: My five-year-plan involved staying in the South forever because #job, #friends, #boyfriend, but then my dad got cancer, so I moved to New York to be closer to home, and my five-year-plan imploded. Having a career development plan, however, is really smart. When you’re a college senior getting job offers, you’re usually so excited about getting paid that you don’t even think about what’s next because no more frat parties and pregamed dinners—sounds good enough for now! But knowing where you want to be professionally in the future can help you make better decisions in the future—especially because nothing looks sketchier on a resume than a slew of random jobs that have nothing to do with each other.
Instead of soul-searching for four months in your childhood bedroom because you just quit your first job and don’t know what you want to do now, start thinking about that when you begin feeling like you want to leave your current job.
At the end of the day, it’s easy to wish you had done things differently after you already did them wrong, so take this as an opportunity to learn so that every job you get after your first sh*tty one, is a good one.
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With the amount of time we spend at work each day, it’s no wonder that a boss can make or break the experience. It’s been said that people leave bosses rather than jobs, and the statistics back this up. According to a recent study, 60% of employees surveyed left or were considering leaving a job because of their direct supervisor. While it’s rare to have a perfectly ideal manager, there are certain characteristics that may indicate you are dealing with a truly toxic boss . As someone who has had experience with more than one veritable nightmare of a human being challenging boss, I can personally attest to how all-consuming such a negative experience can be. Because I’m such a selfless person, I’ve come up with a list of common toxic boss traits as well as strategies to survive these monsters while deciding on next steps.
Sign #1: The Work Environment Palpably Shifts
Before your new boss, work was a sort of bearable pleasant place to be. But now the environment has changed sharply and suddenly. The way this change takes effect can differ, ranging from more overt behavior like yelling and disparaging employees, to more subtle behavior like an intensity that causes the whole department to feel stressed where they once felt comfortable and at ease. The key is that the environment has changed for the negative.
Sign #2: Micromanaging Becomes The Rule
This one can be infuriating. Despite all of your efforts to date, your boss can’t help but insert themself into tasks that you’re more than capable of completing and feels compelled to tell you how to do them. No matter how glowing your track record, a micromanager won’t be able to rise above their own insecurity and trust you to do your job, because they need to feel like they aren’t an insecure shell of a person important and call the shots.
Sign #3: Admitting They’re Wrong Is An Allergy
A toxic boss is incapable of acknowledging they are a human being who, like the rest of us, makes mistakes. Instead, he or she will gloss over their own errors, despite practically foaming at the mouth when it’s time to point out yours. The rules don’t seem to apply to them and they present themselves as almighty and infallible. In other words, they’re really fun at parties.
Sign #4: They Only Look Out for Number One
Instead of cultivating a respectful and mutually beneficial relationship with those who report to them, toxic bosses are only interested in making themselves look good. You only exist as an extension of them, and they treat you like a minion rather than a colleague. They’re only interested in having you validate their existence rather than help you with your career. Hierarchy is very important to this kind of boss and they won’t let you forget it. Some may even go so far as to take credit for your work.
Sign #5: Resistance Is Futile
A good boss can take constructive feedback and internalize it. A toxic boss is incapable of doing this. No matter how articulately you express yourself, any criticism or pushback, however valid, is viewed as an attack and this kind of boss can’t hear it. In fact, when you do try and share a differing view, they may punish you later in an attempt to reassert their power. Reasoning with this type of boss is about as fruitful as reasoning with a toddler. Now, let’s get on to some useful strategies for dealing with these toxic bosses.
Strategy #1: Attempt An Honest Conversation
Admittedly, this might not be possible with certain bosses, especially those who shut down in the face of feedback. But if your boss has a glimmer of humanity, it might be worth trying to suss out the root of the disconnect, if only to bolster your argument later that you tried everything in your power to address the issue professionally and without outside intervention. It may even take several conversations, but if you can get an open dialogue going and your boss is willing to try to improve the relationship, it can pay dividends down the road.
Strategy #2: Mind The Patterns & Play The Game
After enough frustrating interactions, you will likely be able to see patterns in the way your boss likes things done or reacts to certain behaviors. For example, if you’re dealing with a typical narcissist, you can make them feel needed and validated and, therefore, less threatened by you, allowing you more space to do your job. It can be a tough pill to swallow at first, especially if you’re anything like me and hate being superficial with people. But think of it as something you are doing for yourself and your own well-being, rather than for your boss.
Strategy #3. Seek Out A Support Network
Unless you’re dealing with a true psychopath, there’s a good chance you are not the sole target of your boss’ treacherous behavior. Don’t be afraid to confide in coworkers that you trust and rally around your colleagues when things are difficult. The camaraderie reminds you that you are not alone, making you less likely to spiral into a dark place. This can even be an opportunity to bond with coworkers you weren’t as close with before the toxic boss. Nothing unites people more than a common enemy and you may even be able to find some humor in your boss’ fugly haircut the situation as a means of relief.
Strategy #4: Go Outside Of Your Department
If the previous methods aren’t working or are simply impossible, it’s time to look to outside resources for support. In most cases, this will be the company’s HR department. While very few HR departments operate swiftly and effectively, the company should be aware and on notice of what is going on with your boss so it can be dealt with appropriately. It’s also good to have a record in the event you are terminated and believe it was retaliatory. If your company doesn’t have an HR department, confide in a colleague you trust who is at a comparable or higher level than your boss. He or she may have some insight or can serve as an ally later on if needed.
Strategy #5: Start Looking Elsewhere
A toxic boss can wreak havoc on your mental health, and no job is worth paying that price. If the situation is untenable, leaving may be the only option. Of course, most of us are not Kylie Jenner and can’t afford to just up and quit our jobs. Put a plan in place that allows you to work toward leaving as soon as it’s feasible—start looking at other opportunities and networking, set a reasonable deadline, and see what other levers you may be able to pull in the meantime. If the situation is really dire and you have to get out, assess your finances to see if you can rely on savings for a while and/or talk to your parents, partner, or other loved ones to see if some interim financial support is possible while you look for a new job.
If you’re currently saddled with a toxic boss, you’re far from alone. Know your value, never waver from it and don’t allow an insecure and likely deeply unhappy person to make you feel less than capable. At the very least, navigating this situation will teach you some valuable lessons about how to be a leader and show you what you should not do when you are a manager. Because evil comes in many forms, I know I didn’t touch on every toxic trait and coping strategy. Share your horror stories and solutions in the comments!
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (5); whenshappyhr (3) / Instagram
The following is an excerpt from our new book, When’s Happy Hour? Work Hard So You Can Hardly Work, on sale NOW.
For the purposes of this section, let’s categorize job satisfaction in one of three ways: (1) get me the f*ck out of here, (2) I’m down to chill here, and (3) #NeverLeaving. On any given day at your job, you may experience emotions from any of the categories, but whichever reminds you of your feelings toward your job on most days should provide some insight as to whether you’re in the right place.
Get Me The F*ck Out Of Here:
Symptoms include waking up with zero drive or motivation to live; daydreaming about the slow, painful death of your boss and/or co-workers and/or self; feeling a sense of pointlessness or of having nothing to look forward to ever; wishing sincerely that you could switch lives with your dog; frequently crying about/at work; having stress-induced nightmares about your job; questioning whether the job is even worth the ability to pay your rent.
I’m Down To Chill Here:
Most people fall into a situation like this. Your boss is the standard level of annoying sometimes, but your coworkers make the environment better; you want to be paid more, but overall the situation is pretty good; you’re well-liked by the company without trying too hard; there are fun perks that break up the routine sometimes; you feel that you’ll be promoted and given raises over time; the job looks pretty good on your résumé; the stress level is moderate but overall tolerable.
A hashtag typically applied to honeymoons in the Maldives, this category means your job makes you excited when you think about it; you’re doing something you always wanted to do and feel like you’re good at it; you’re satisfied with your compensation, your coworkers, your boss, etc.; you feel passionate about the actual duties your job entails and like you’re making a difference in the results; you’re growing professionally in a way that aligns with what you want for your life; your job treats you well and gives you time for your personal life.
The beauty of this category system is that each category name tells you exactly what you should do (assuming there are no barriers or other reasons not to do so). If you fall into category 1, look for a new job immediately. If category 2, then stick with it until the situation either starts to become a category 1 or 3 or until you decide you want a new opportunity (or a recruiter emails with a better situation). If you fall into category 3, consider yourself very #blessed. Stick with what you’re doing and seriously invest in your success there.
Want more amazing career advice? Order our new book, you won’t regret it.
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The following is an excerpt from our new book, “When’s Happy Hour? Work Hard So You Can Hardly Work”, on sale NOW.
Job environment plays a huge factor in whether it would be a good fit . Say you’re really good at beauty tutorials but you wouldn’t ever want to work in a big gray-carpeted corporate office, then maybe the right route for you is freelance makeup artist. On the other hand, say you need deadlines to work, love brainstorming, and seriously care what people comment on each other’s Instagrams, well then, maybe you should be in media. Let’s discuss popular industries and what it’s like to work in them.
Exactly as The Devil Wears Prada led you to believe this job would be. Even though fashion is starting to be a little more accepting of sizes above subzero, people are still quite focused on appearance. They praise Ashley Graham on Instagram but talk sh*t about her thighs behind her back. This industry is harsh, self-important, and doesn’t really pay that much. Why are people in it? Because they care about seeming cool, or maybe because they actually give a sh*t what Pantone’s color of the year is.
If we learned anything from Silicon Valley, it’s that this world is changing faster than your tampon on a heavy-flow day. This can be highly stressful but if you’re a really skilled developer, coder, or engineer, then this is fine for you. If you’re not that good, you’ll know right away because you won’t get work or you’ll get eaten alive. If you’re a female techie, now’s the time to swing for the fences, as tech companies are needing to even out their ratios
for press purposes because they believe in diversity and being socially conscious, of course.
If you’re personable, outgoing and looking for a bullsh*t job where you get to do very little but have the opportunity to be paid more down the road, find a media job in a a large corporate company. All media companies are competing with one another, so they’re all spending a sh*t ton of money on pointless employee perks like beer on tap, expensive beverages that claim to be healthier than water, and the ability to work on a couch in a different room from your desk. Gasp.
You have to do an incredible amount of bitch work, ass-kissing, and sliding into people’s DMs to move up in this industry. Like, if you even want to write on a show, the amount of coffee you need to retrieve in your career will surpass the amount of alcohol you drank in college. If you really want to be the next Ava DuVernay, though, know that it’s going to be a lot of rejection and disappointment, but it is possible to get there, so keep going.
Rewarding AF. Not financially, though. And the only time that philosophy degree will help you is when you’re discussing Game of Thrones fan theories.
Even though the two are different, we grouped them together because they’re similar in that you have to put in a lot of work and hours—and also money—with very little sleep or salary to make a lot of money at some point very far in the future. Plus, you have to be really into reading to succeed in either field.
You’ll have to deal with a lot of bros and douchebags to be in this industry. Everyone talks really fast and assumes you know what they’re talking about when they use terms like EBIDTA and vested equity. Couldn’t care less about changing interest rates? Then don’t go into finance.
All The Other Sh*t, Like Agriculture
Honestly, this industry is the hardest to write about because we know very little about it. Aleen went to the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences at Cornell, yet still, not much info from us. Farmers have one of the most important jobs in the country, and do you know what they have to rely on? The weather. That’s right, the weather. And then they have to deal with these huge corporations forcing them to accept buy-outs or kicking them off their land.
Yes, we left out a lot of different industries because, you know what, there are way too f*cking many, and you know what else? You’ll get over it.
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The following is an excerpt from our new book, When’s Happy Hour? Work Hard So You Can Hardly Work, on sale NOW.
If you’re trying to get promoted or advance in any significant way in your career, one of the most important qualities to cultivate is self-awareness, and the ability to self-evaluate and figure out where you need improvement. And then actually do those things, obviously. One of the hardest things in life is seeing your own flaws, but you have to see them before you can admit to them, and you have to admit to them in order to change them. Here are some ways to go about finding your flaws and really understanding what they are:
Actually pay attention at your employee evals: If you want to know what your boss thinks of you, unshockingly, all you have to do is just pay attention at your yearly (or whatever) evaluation. Your boss is literally forced to formally rate your strengths and weaknesses on paper, so like, don’t just let that be a wasted half hour. If they say you take too long to answer emails and it pisses clients off, just like…respond faster. Most of the time, the answers to fixing your shortcomings will be spelled out for you if you’re willing to be open enough to listen to feedback and change habits.
Ask a coworker who isn’t catty and whose opinion you respect for honest feedback: This is pretty hard because it requires being a bit vulnerable, and we’re not saying you should definitely do this unless you’re sure that the person you’re asking will give worthwhile feedback. Otherwise you just put yourself out there for no gain, and we can hardly think of anything worse than that. The person you ask should be a little more experienced and higher up in the office, and they should be someone who is widely seen as hardworking and drama-avoidant. The last thing you need is someone gossiping about your vulnerable moments to the entire break room.
Ask your friends and family: As much as we want to think that we can put on a flawless act at work, that’s really not possible. Like we mentioned earlier, who we are in life is who we are at work, just with a little more polish. You might be a little better at faking it with your coworkers than with your boyfriend, but the fundamental flaws themselves will probably be the same. If you really can’t be organized enough to ever get to brunch on time, chances are that you’re also disorganized at work and tend to be late to meetings or whatever. Take some cues from your weekend self, as explained by loved ones, and ask yourself if any of that is reflected in your job. Then work on that sh*t and use your personal life to practice as well. Maybe if you started getting to the restaurant in a timely fashion, you would not only piss off your friends less but also the habit will spill over into your work life and benefit you on multiple fronts.
Pay attention to what you criticize other people for: The traits we notice and critique about other people are often—surprise—actually the things we do ourselves. It’s called projection, and it’s really easy to detect—thanks, Freud. For example, it bothers the sh*t out of you how Michelle is constantly sucking up to your mutual boss and trying to undermine you and your coworkers by subtly throwing shade about everyone else. Meanwhile, you just spent a half hour plotting how you’re going to make Michelle look like an idiot in the next meeting by criticizing her project and then offering to fix what she did. Sound familiar? Yeah, because you’re actually doing the exact same thing that you criticize Michelle for. Next time you hear yourself talking sh*t about a coworker, ask yourself if you might actually do the same thing you’re calling them out for. Once you’ve answered yourself, you can keep bitching about them, but then change your behavior after.
We’re not saying it’ll be easy. Getting to know yourself and admitting your faults is honestly kind of the worst. But if you value yourself, you’ll value your own self-improvement and you’ll be okay with suffering a little and making changes for the sake of a better future.
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Hi everyone! I’m a straight guy who’s probably a lot like the guy you’re texting/hooking up with. The Betches have asked me to break down things openly and honestly so you don’t have to have that guy lie to your face. I’ve broken down The Bachelorette contestants, dating apps, and one piece bathing suits. So grab that phone, go take a poop (don’t worry, I won’t tell) and enjoy The Betches’ next question of the male mind…
We want to see what guys think of a girl based on her job title. Like, if you were on a first date and he asked what you do for a living—that kind of situation. Are guys intimidated by successful women (too bad)? Do certain jobs carry a connotation we’re not aware of?
This is one of those questions that’ll prompt a tweet or DM from a younger girl saying, “What does it matter what a guy thinks!? YES ALL WOMEN! IF YOU CAN’T DEAL WITH OUR CAREERS THEN YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS!!!” And part of that is true. I’m sure there are guys who are intimidated by a job title or a woman’s success in comparison to their own and I’d say that’s probably more their own issue with themselves (penis size) and not women in general. But to say we all don’t judge every guy or girl by the job title on their Bumble profile is absolutely crazy. When you see “finance,” you’re going to have a very specific first reaction. You’re going to remember
Wolf of Wall Street that other finance guy you dated and how he was this and that and judge the next guy by that memory. All of those emotional reactions are normal. So remember, this is my first thought based on having dated multiple girls with these careers and that doesn’t mean you’re exactly like them but it means this is what most guys think at first glance.
Also (kind of a side note), I love when a woman has a successful career. I’m not just saying that to let you know that my penis is huge, but you can DM me on Instagram (@jaredfreid) to discuss women with great careers. Just putting that out there about strong, independent women. Love a good discussion.
All of these jobs are in the same category because no person on earth has ever been as busy as a girl who works in PR/fashion/advertising. Literally not one person. There are surgeons who will respond to a question about work with a simple, “Things are good.” Ask one of these girls about work and you’re about to get a response that sounds like they just came running from a burning house and they’re trying to wrangle up the fire department. And don’t get them started about Upfronts or Fashion Week (which might be 51 weeks a year) or Chihuahua Week (or whatever thing she does PR for) because they’ll actually faint onto a couch mid-explanation. If you’re going to date these girls, just get ready to feel like you literally do nothing in comparison.
If they’re in law school then you can add them to the PR/Fashion/Advertising group. Nobody has ever complained more about being busy than a law school student. You’d think they wouldn’t complain so much since they bailed from the real world of no grades or affirmation to get back into that cuddly, “Go to class, study the material, get the grade you deserve, repeat,” blanket.
When I date a girl who works in law I’m just going to assume there will be a lot of random “law school friends” that I’m going to have to meet along the way. They’ll be mostly guys and the explanation of their friendship will always be a little too vague to have not been romantic at some point. You’ll have to come to terms with “He’s just my law school friend” being a guy who once DMed her about studying to try and bang and then just settled for the reliable study buddy option.
Medicine (Doctor, Nurse, etc.)
We assume that you’re literally the smartest person we’ve ever met and you can answer any question we’d ever have about our body AND you’re not grossed out by much. So we figure that you’re willing and able to explore regions of our bodies that we had no idea could make us climax.
It’s almost like you’re dating a really competitive guy from your fraternity. She’s going to be really pumped for happy hours and then wake up the next day as if multiple shots never happened. She’s going to take you to a group fitness class and do everything way better than you ever could. She’ll have relationships with men that seem almost so asexual that they’re sexual. Calling other guys pussies and referencing how they puked during their first year “like a bitch.” It’s all really hot and not at the same time and there’s a moment where you wonder if she’s training you for a decathlon.
When you’re a teacher we have to become an actor because you’re going to tell us stories about kids we really don’t care about while looking like we’re interested. I’m sure these are great kids, but they aren’t our kids, and in a year you’re going to have a whole new group that produces the same stories that we are going to have to, again, look like we care about.
You’re a really tough person to take on a date. Her job is basically planning dates with a budget a company can afford. So if you try to go bowling, she ends up comparing it to her bowling events where they had acrobats and free blowjobs in the bathroom. Dating her is like dating a Bachelor contestant right after she got to the final four. She just took a helicopter around the Hawaiian volcanoes so your move of sharing a bottle of wine and picking up the tab isn’t exactly glamorous.
The thing about HR people is that they change jobs a lot and they have to hear about everyone at the office’s problems. So guess what? So are you. Every day will be a new LinkedIn story or update as well as a new complaint about Kathy’s complaint. It’s a lot like the teacher, except nobody in the story is cute and you get to hear what type of animals men act like in the workplace.
I’m a comedian (please follow me on Instagram; “likes” are the only thing that keep me going. I have nothing. @jaredfreid). So the reason I swipe left on any headshot is the same reason I’d swipe left on myself—you’re going to have to go to shit. Like, annoying shit. Like a show that’s in a bar with five people. Then you’re going to have to look this person in the eyes who takes this thing super seriously and try to understand the five year outlook when you really can’t imagine it. You’re going to have to lie about how “It was great!” And you’re going to have to wonder if this person will one day be your financial burden. Other than that, they’re going to be really dramatic and they won’t care about being really dramatic in public.
So, yeah. That’s what we think. Have fun dating!
We talk about the Ponzi scheme that is Fyre Festival, Nicki Minaj paying everyone’s college bills, and how we hated two new popular shows on Netflix. We answer a Dear Betch on how to make a career for yourself (not as an investigatory journalist), and play What Are Your Thoughts on…Polyamory edition. (And more)!
Send your questions for ‘Dear Betch’ to [email protected]