Friends, we have trouble in paradise (or at least some bizarro trailer park version of paradise): TMZ is reporting that JWoww got a restraining order on estranged husband Roger Matthews (and kicked him out of the house) after an apparent altercation. Color me surprised to see the second drunkest Jersey Shore cast member appear in a story containing the phrases “estranged husband” and “restraining order.” Throw in some lotto scratch-offs, and you’ve got the white trash trifecta!
TMZ is light on details surrounding why JWoww got a restraining order, but we know for a fact that Roger did the worst thing possible: He used a sh*tload of Insta videos to plead his case where one video would probably suffice. I’d kick him out of the house for that, too. According to Roger, JWoww started the fight, getting “completely, uncontrollably emotional like she always does.” (He gaslights, too—this guy really does it all!) He says that he went home after the fight, only to be awakened by the cops. They informed him that he didn’t have to go home, but that he couldn’t stay there thanks to a newly minted restraining order. Rog picks things up from the back of his squad car escort:
There are like 50 more of these (like I said, what a prick!), eventually moving from the squad car to his friend’s couch. If what he says is true, it sounds like it got pretty nasty. Telling your kids (in front of their dad, no less) that you’re sorry you ever had children with him is extremely effed up!
As to what’s true and what isn’t, who knows? JWoww isn’t saying much. All I’ve seen is her latest Insta from an hour ago, which is clearly a statement from a lawyer or spokesperson:
“Any statements and social media posts depicting anything to the contrary are entirely false, misleading, and intentionally designed to cast Jenni in a negative light. She is proud to be a hardworking parent who provides for her children.” Ouch, JWoww. Way to hit a man right where it hurts!
What do I think? In one of his videos, Roger mentioned that he was there to see the kids since Jenni was leaving for work, “again.” My guess is that there was some dust-up over who brings home the bacon in this delightfully broken family. He bitched at her about always being on the road and ignoring the kids, and she shot back something about someone in the family having to work. Again, pure speculation, but we’re all thinking it. Or maybe I just watch too many movies.
The strangest part of this divorce and alleged altercation, to me, is that someone who made millions for being drunk and prone to conflict is exactly like that in real life!
Images: Shutterstock; rogermathewsnj, jwoww / Instagram
I was lucky enough to go hangout with the cast of Jersey Shore last week at the premiere party for their new show Jersey Shore: Family Vacation. The red carpet was actually a leopard carpet, which let’s be real, it was a leopard rug. But the stars of the evening were the most surprising of all—only about half the cast had the same face as they did 10 years ago. Guys, Botox is not for the weak.
Snooki showed up wearing what I assumed were children’s pajamas, and when asked about her outfit she legit went, “It’s PAJAMAS!”
Snooks said they partied super hard in this show, regardless of them being parents and older. Being away from your kids is definitely a reason to celebrate, but Snooki said that both she and Jenni had “mom guilt” from leaving their kids for so long. The main difference in their partying now, however, is that while they drink just as much as before, their hangovers are now three-day events. Same.
Snooki also that she was getting worried about her kids knowing ~things~ about her. Just that day, she went to the grocery store and someone screamed out “Snooki!” at her. Her son asked what a Snooki was, and she replied, “That’s mommy’s job.” I mean, she’s not wrong. She decided that she was going to tell her kids that she’s an actress, “which I’m not,” and that the show is scripted, “which it’s not,” until they figure out it’s true for themselves. I guarantee her kids will be exactly like her, so I doubt they will be surprised.
The cast seems to have done pretty well for themselves since the OG Jersey Shore ended 6(!) years ago. And that even includes Mike “The Situation”, who they all absolutely raved about.
Mike told me that he’s been sober for 28 months now and works at a rehab facility in Jersey as a speaker and does events with them. He also said that he’ll find out what’s going to happen with his potential prison sentence in the next month or so. He was so nice I actually felt bad for him, which is saying A LOT, considering what a tool he was on the original show. But, according to the rest of the cast, Mike has done a total turnaround since being sober and made up for his past. JWoww (who is so fucking skinny and has boobs bigger than my face) even said they now call him The Inspiration instead of The Situation, which she said so sweetly, I almost gagged.
Ronnie kinda hid from us, but we asked the rest of the cast about Sammi not coming for Family Vacation, and they all had the same answer: they want her back so badly, but she said no. Honestly, I can’t blame her. Her relationship with Ronnie was borderline abusive, and I’d be over that shit too.
The new show is already renewed for season 2, and it hasn’t even premiered yet—that should tell you how good Jersey Shore: Family Vacation will be. The entire cast seemed so excited to be back in the limelight, and I can’t blame them because really, what are any of them going to do outside of this?
The actual party to celebrate the premiere was fun with an open bar and a whole slew of Bachelor rejects. The Chad himself was there with a tiny blonde girl dressed like Britney in a music video. He was hanging out with Ronnie quite a bit, and like, of COURSE they would get along.
I talked to Ashley I. and Jared for a while, and they were both super cool, still best friends, and assured me that neither of them were going to Paradise this year. Boooooooooo. Is it even Bachelor in Paradise without Ashley I.’s tears?
Alexis and DLo were hanging out, also both dating people, also no-go’s for Paradise. If this season doesn’t have someone doing hilarious commentary, I will personally blame Alexis for this.
The Jersey Shore cast had a great time drinking Champagne and dancing like we were all back at Karma. You can catch the premiere of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation tonight on MTV at 8pm/7pm central. Aww yea!
Images: Courtesy of MTV (2) Author (1); Giphy (2)
Last night was an array of emotions for me. First, I was watching the intellectually stimulating Game of Thrones, then I was watching 5 leather beanpoles stroll the pier of the Jersey Shore again. Get you a girl who can do both.
We start out the show with lifelong train wreck, Mike “The Situation”, introducing us to the reunion special. The Situation needs to situate himself in the gym, for real.
He talks about how it’s been 5 years since Jersey Shore—the show about unemployable Italian people getting lost on a beach that’s a mile long—aka his peak.
He’s like “the last five years have not been cool, I’ve had to face the consequences of all my decisions and that’s just not what I signed up for.” Sounds like post-grad life.
He says he still lives the GTL life but his chubby cheeks say that he really lives the BLT life.
He introduces us to his girlfriend and they start making out at the barbershop.
The Barber as The Situation sucks face with his gf in the chair:
Mike has basically lost touch with all the cast because he took that pill addiction we all had in college way too far and ended up in rehab. Twice. The Situation says he’s nervous they won’t want to talk to him and his girlfriend reassures him that all his friends love him still, which is a really weird way of saying “they’re going to be making money from this, they wouldn’t miss it.”
He goes to pick up Snooki, a living legend. Snooks is like “I was a mess, but I’m so changed and mature now” as she downs Pinot Grigio while holding a baby at 11am.
Her husband must be really outdoorsy because Snooki’s lips are like small mountains. He’s gotta put on some hiking gear just to make out with her, damn.
Mike doesn’t even get out of the car to reunite with his old friend. He just honks the horn outside of her house like Karen, the lady who used to drive the carpool to soccer practice.
Within three seconds of getting in the car, Snooki forgets what day it is, doubles up on birth control pills and asks Mike how many women he’s fucked. I don’t call them “living legends” for nothing.
Snooki: Mike, are you going to jail ?
Mike:
They go to get Pauly D, who is living his best life as a bottom-tier DJ at shitty nightclubs in Miami.
Pauly is apparently still into GTL too and could damn near audition for the part of Tracy Turnblad with the amount of hairspray he uses. No one light a match within 100 feet of this dude.
Pauly’s girlfriend is Aubrey O’Day from Famously Single/that band Diddy made one time and they talk about how she is super hot and dislikes how Pauly D probably cheats on her. The usual relationship woes.
They start talking about Ronnie and how he is a huge piece of shit now that the Kardashians made Malika dump him. Because the Kardashians have an iron grip on E! Network’s balls, Ronnie will not be attending this reunion. Sorry Ronnie, you can try Sears.
JWoww is next to be picked up by this shitty bus. She explains about how she is a “girl boss” running a blog and it’s like, hmmm take a number.
They are all in the car and I wonder how fucking badly it smells in there of spray tans, gaudy perfume and axe body spray.
They all are excited to go back to Seaside, but Mike lets them know that they were legitimately banned from the whole town. Seaside has taken a stronger stance against guidos then Trump did against Nazis. What a time to be alive.
They go to the one restaurant on the shore that will allow them back and Sammi Sweetheart meets up with them. She’s like “hopefully this is a great reunion and we all make out.” Yup, that’ll really be a productive way to catch up.
Sammi is a not a regular podcaster, she’s a cool podcaster who is totally not crazy and fucking obsessed with the new guy she’s dating.
They ask Sammi about Ronnie and she’s like “STAAAHPPP” and says she doesn’t wanna talk about him. Well, okay this was fun.
Discussions ensue about threesomes, foursomes, and gross things they did on the shore, and I consider calling my parents up and asking why they allowed me to watch this shit as a youth.
In the surprise twist no one saw coming, we find out that all of them have gotten botox and all the girls have gotten boob jobs. This is episode is actually going to be on Botched too, if you missed it.
SAMMI: I got a boob job
EVERYONE:
After ogling each other’s balloon sized tits and faces made of rubber, they start reminiscing on the time Mike knocked himself out on a concrete wall. He’s like “that was a dark time for me”. And he means that literally because he gave himself a fucking concussion from fighting a wall and had to sit in a dark room for a number of days.
The girls also reveal that MTV, the usually morally upstanding television network, used to make them watch old episodes and get riled up so they could fight each other. I see you, MTV.
They talk about Mike possibly going to jail and he’s really scared because he’ll only get the “G” and the “L”—where’s the T going to come from, dammit?
MIKE INTERNALLY:
The group decides to be supportive of Mike’s sobriety and take a nice big shot in his honor. Nailed it.
They go walk around the shore, basking in their D-list glory, expertly avoiding any conversation about Vinny, Deena or Angelina. And then, they leave? The fuck kind of road trip is this? This is more of a field trip! And I’ve had way more dramatic field trips before. This is not what I signed up for when my daddy started paying for my cable.
