‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ Finale Recap: Did Jenn Fake A Robbery?

Hello all, it is officially our LAST Jerzday for a while because it is the Jersey Shore Family Vacation FINALE. This season has gone on so long, I can’t even believe it. What did I used to do on Thursdays? Did I have hopes, dreams perhaps? Did I have friends? I will find out next week when I’m no longer enslaved to MTV.

I wonder if this season has gone on so long because pretty much nothing interesting has happened. We open this episode in the middle of a crazy-ass fight between that one Fat Shamer guy that told Ronnie he has more money than him and his stripper girlfriend who hates Angelina. It’s like producers were like, “Oh finally, something happened! We can end the show now!”

Angelina is trying to attack the other girl, Jenni threw a drink on her, there is screaming, chairs being thrown, pregnant Deena ran away, it is total chaos. The stripper and the guy are outside of the bar after security moved them out and the girl starts attacking the guy! Ronnie is like, “oh I totally would have punched him, oh well,” as the guy’s own gf punched him in the face.

Ron: She had a great right hook!

Snooki is so pleased with herself, she’s like stuffing her face with chips and is like, “We can still throw down, don’t f*ck with us.” Pretty sure she hid behind Jenni for the whole fight but okay. Ronnie is also patting himself on the back for doing nothing, in fact he compares himself to Moses.

Ron: Yeah, everyone just followed me outside.
Snooki: Didn’t Moses break the water?
Ron: I’m very religious.
Angelina: Moses had all the animals on the boat.
Ron: That was Noah.
Angelina: Nicole, Moses wasn’t the one with the animals, he’s the one with the-
Snooki: That’s Adam and Eve.
Ron: Moses parted the Red Sea, but I’m 95% sure that Jesus came first. Well Adam and Eve came, then Jesus-
Snooki: I love Jesus.

This has been Bible Study, Jerzday edition. I just lost a few brain cells. Vinny has had enough. It’s 4am and the Spiral Squad has irritated him to the point of getting out of bed.

Angelina: Adam and Eve banged to make more people, then Moses parted the sea, so Noah built the ark for animals, and Jesus rode on the boat.

Oh my God, you think this can’t get any dumber, but this is when Snooki informs Ang that Jesus flew in. Probably on Spirit Airlines, according to Ron. Oh hey, I just got that. Angelina is now describing how she loves to use the bathroom on airplanes and she’s pretty sure that her, um, excrement, flies off the plane and hits pedestrians in the face. I swear to God, I’m getting dumber watching this show. RIP to my last two brain cells. It’s been nice knowing ya.

“The gang is going to some kind of blood foundation fundraiser thing with Deena and her family since her dad died of leukemia. They’re all like, “what a perfect end to our trip,” and I’m over here like, “huh that sounds super f*cking boring to watch.” I’m all for charity but like, they could have done this on their own time. I want to watch them get hammered and fight—that’s all I expect from these people.

They’re all talking about who’s coming to the charity event and it leads to how Angelina’s sex life is garbage, which naturally leads to chanting “Angelina Hasn’t Gotten Plowed In A Long Time” in a cult-like fashion. This causes Vinny to get all riled up and he jumps on top of Angelina and begins to hump her. Wtf, Vinny, this might be why she thinks you want to f*ck her. Someone hose him off! He’s like one of my mom’s Yorkies. Calm yourself, man!

Ang is concerned the roommates will sing their fun new song to Chris (aka Thumb Thumb), but like, maybe don’t sh*t on your sex life to other people (and hi, on TV) if you don’t want it to get back to him?

Ronnie gets on his phone and rushes outside. What happened now? Who did Jen f*ck? Oh sh*t, Jen was robbed. I also learned via subtitles saying that Jen is on the phone that Jen is really “Jenn”. Of course that’s how she spells it. Okay, sorry, I won’t make fun of her rn, she was robbed!

Some guy came in through the back door while she and the baby were home and ransacked the place. That is soooo scary. This is why people need dogs. Well like, one of a million reasons. It’s like, reason one: cute, reason two: cuddly, reason three: break-ins.

Pauly thinks Jen, sorry, JENN is lying to talk to Ronnie. Jenn is staying in the house despite the break-in and Ron is like, “that makes no sense,” which fair point. Then Ron says that Jenn found a bag of bullets in the backyard? Ooookay, that is sounding pretty fake. Why would the robber just leave those? Also don’t most robbers watch the house first? Like, they know if someone is home. I watch a lot of true crime, I’m basically an expert here. So we have to ask ourselves: is Jenn that crazy? And you know what? She totally is!

Mike: I’m befuddled if that’s a word.

It’s totally a word. I’m mildly impressed he knows that. Okay wait. Here’s the tea. So Jenn moved out of Ronnie’s house. Then a DAY LATER she gets robbed at her house. The robber left a box of bullets on the Jacuzzi. Is he the worst robber ever? This house has been abandoned for months, and now is the time to rob it, when they’re clearly back living in it? So Ronnie told Jen to please go back to his house so she’s *safe*.

Vinny is like, “I don’t want to be insensitive, but it sounds weird,” and Pauly shuts that down and is like, “none of this sh*t happened, it’s a big fat lie, Jenn’s a lying liar.” And Vin is all, “oh cool, I didn’t have to say it.” And Pauly’s like, “no robber would leave a box of bullets, like I rob houses for a living.” The girls want to know what was taken. Apparently all that is stolen is a phone and a laptop. To which they’re like, “why would anyone break into a house to steal a phone?” Solid point. Also phones can be tracked.

The guys think this is so on brand for Jenn that they can’t even react seriously about it and are more concerned with whether Ron wants to come with them for a haircut. This doesn’t even make the list of Jenn’s Greatest Hits, which according to the guys, are as follows:

The girls think it either is a complete lie or she had one of her friends do it. It’s only a matter of time before Ron gets sucked back into this sham of a relationship.

Vin: There was Taken 1. Then Taken 2. Then Taken 3. Now there is… Taken Ronnie.

Ronnie thinks the robbers stole her phone so she couldn’t call for help… but that’s like, the only thing they took. Deena tells him his life is a bad movie, and Ron is like, “no, it’s a television show. “Then he breaks the fourth wall and looks directly into the camera. I don’t appreciate Ron looking at me, make him stop it. And Deena is like, “NO RON, it’s a BAD movie.”

The guys go to lunch with Ron and try to tell him that this robbery is clearly a lie. Mike tells him it’s just very unlikely to have a home invasion and get run over by a car in the same month. I don’t know the stats on that, but I cannot believe this has only been a month in Jersey time. So we’ve seen like their every waking moment then for a month for this season? Pauly straight-up tells him that this a story “conjured up”. Ronnie is like, “Jenn wouldn’t do that.”

Anyone who’s witnessed even 10 seconds of Jenn’s actions:

Are you serious

Vinny: I dated this girl who had asthma and every time I tried to break up with her she’d give herself an asthma attack and send herself to the hospital.

I feel personally attacked rn. Ronnie doesn’t think she’d make that up with the baby around, but I think that’s all the more reason she would do it. She’s holding it over him to really freak him out and make him obsess over her and the baby.

Deena thinks if it was her, she would immediately fly home and make sure her kid is okay, which like, good point. But also this is Jenn’s plan! Like in normal circumstances, that is 100% what he should do, but she is doing this to get him to freak out and go home.

They all get ready and go to the fundraiser. They arrange conga line style and Pauly orchestrates them with his megaphone to chant their Angelina song while they fist pump out the door. Except now it sounds like Angelina-Ain’t-Got-Pounded-Out-In-A-Long-Time. Is that what they were always saying? Did I accidentally correct their grammar in my head because my poor, fragile ears could not take it? Angelina is joyously chanting along, because “it’s true”.

The back of Vin’s shirt says Keto Guido, which makes this maybe his 11th shirt that is Keto-related. Pauly’s says Prank War Champion. I can’t see anyone else’s yet. The event is for Be The Match and they encourage people to donate cash and sign up to see if they’re a possible donor for the database, which is pretty cool. Danny shows up and made all the shirts for the event. Everyone’s families show up. Ron’s giving away Won Won Juice. Then Ang’s fiancé shows up and Vinny gets super jealous and is all, “no it’s not awkward, everything’s cool,” and then decides to organize everyone to do the Angelina chant on stage in front of  said fiancé. That’s just cruel.

Yeah Vin, you’re definitely not trying to ruin their relationship. Pauly starts DJ-ing.  Vin is hosting the live auction and gets everyone up on stage. Ron’s shirt says Spiral Squad. The first auction item: Touch Pauly D’s blowout. Some chick straightup pays $875 to touch his hair. Where do these thots get so much spending money?

Next item: Take a shot with Snooki. Are they aware they can just hang around any bar in Jersey and do this for free? According to Snooks, she’s now a “floor-amplithist”. So many people bid on this that Snooki has to take like 9 shots which is 100% how she will die of alcohol poisoning. She’s a tiny thing, she weighs like 11 pounds. Vinny calls her a work of art (but when I take 9 shots in a row I’m “bordering on alcoholism”… ok). Snooks does it and raises $2,400.

Jenni’s contribution is to dance with someone. She raises $840. Angelina has a trash bag race and gets $725. Ronnie arm wrestles for $900, Mike has a meatball eating contest for $1,200. Like wtf Mike, you could have paid your taxes if you knew this was what the people wanted.

You might think that Vinny is so involved with raising money for a great cause that he forgets he’s a petty, petty bitch. You would be wrong. Because that’s when Vinny decides to broadcast via microphone to everyone that Angelina’s sex life sucks.

Jenni:  might as well go on to her fourth engagement because this isn’t going to last after that song.

Vinny then coerces the crowd into a chant directly to Chris that ANGELINA-AIN’T-GOT-POUNDED-OUT-IN-A-LONG-TIME. Chris looks humiliated and Vinny is super pleased with himself. They raised $40,145, which is crazy but also awesome.

They’re all like, everything is sunshine and rainbows, we’re ending on a high note, blah blah blah. This is boring af. And then it just ends. They finish the episode with “in memory of” Deena’s father and Vin’s uncle and it’s all just a bit too WHOLESOME for me. But like, good for you guys.

And just like that we’re free of the horrors of the Jersey Shore for probably like three weeks before it starts again because MTV does not want us to be free. Let me know what you thought of this season in the comments, and if you’ll be back for season 3! Now if you need me I’m going to pound shots.

Images: Giphy; MTV

‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ Recap: WTF Is A Chooch?

So, Jersey Shore Family Vacation is literally just my life now and I have no idea what’s even going on anymore. I feel like I’m back in high school in SAT class. Deena comments that she loves the house so far, citing things like she “got a good night’s sleep” and “has her space”. I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware I was watching a show about church camp, BUT GOOD FOR YOU. Maybe they’ll go swimming and exchange friendship bracelets.

Deena then corners Vinny and asks about the penis touching incident and told Vin it seems like he and Ang are a couple. #burn.

Then Snooki says she is throwing a 7-year-old style birthday party at the house which is both weird and f*cking annoying. Jenni is thrilled because she “throws these parties all the time”. Sounds super sick, guys. This is so much worse than friendship bracelets.

Pauly D: An adult themed party sounds like a porno party. Sometimes on my tour bus, we have adult parties.

F*cking ew. Can we work on getting some kind of STD testing sponsorship for Pauly’s DJ sets?

They are literally jumping at a bounce house. I’m half expecting Corinne Olympios, queen of naps and cheese pasta, to show up and try to molest someone in it.

Angelina shows us all how to use a giant hamster ball, as she is the dirty hamster expert here. Mike almost dies trying to use said hamster ball because he has obviously not been doing his cardio.

Burger King is catering this entire thing. I’m sorry, what the f*ck am I watching? I make up all kinds of excuses to avoid my friends’ kids’ birthday parties, and yet now I’m somehow being held hostage to watch sad grown adults have a kids party because they are trying to make “drama” for their show.

Vin completely lies about his diet and pretends this is the first time he’s had carbs. But hi Vin, those keto strips don’t lie. Then Mike lies too, claiming he hasn’t had BK in years. We literally have FOOTAGE of him and Jenni at Burger King post-rehab speech. Mike, we have the receipts.

Vinny is making up some game or “challenge” amongst himself where the losing option is to kiss Angelina’s feet. Yeah Vin, seems like you really don’t want to do that. He acts like he can’t lose because he’s so grossed out by Angelina. But again, he’s the one who came up with the feet kissing.

Vin: Hey, Angelina should kiss my feet, or I should kiss Angelina’s feet, but I hope that doesn’t happen because Angelina is gross. Haha. But like, can we still do the feet kissing?

Oh my God, I just noticed Vinny is wearing a shirt with the Instagram logo that says “Introverted”. I’m sorry, that is f*cking obnoxious. Get with the program, we all stopped bragging about being introverts in like, 2014 when Thought Catalog stopped being cool. Vinny wins and Angelina now has to kiss his feet, which I’m sure he’s thrilled about. This isn’t Ang’s worst Tuesday. She’s used to being disgusting. Vinny is so excited that Ang kissed his foot that he hugs her in gratitude. All of it is disturbing.

The girls and guys decide to separate for the night. Ang decides it’s going to be a classy night which means no swearing, napkins on laps, proper posture because she has scoliosis, and no bodily functions. Okay, let’s just replace her with someone who isn’t trash. The guys are going to the club and I’m way more excited for their drama. We finally get to see Single Ronnie at work. There is no talk about Single Jenni, and that’s a total bore. The girls go to a classy bistro for cheese and wine, and Angelina calls Jenni “a disgust” because she’s burping and whining that she’s fat. K.

The guys go to Jeni’s and Ronnie is like, “oh I haven’t been Single Ronnie in 15 years,” and it’s like, Ron, your best Single Ronnie was always when you had a girlfriend. The guys are horrified to find it’s country music night. The scene is lame so they eat ice cream cones in the corner. This is literally me at every bar. Then some sad sack comes up near their table and is pathetically dancing to himself and miming fake sobs. Oh my God, is doing The Ronnie? Is this a dance move now?

Vinny: Don’t lock eyes with him, OMG he’s seducing me, OMG I’m in love, JUST KIDDING.

I don’t believe any “just kidding” of Vin’s anymore, I guarantee he will sleep with this man. This guy is just staring at them dancing with a chair. Mike is overall pleased with boy’s night, as he’s had a chance to gorge himself. Single Ronnie is completely lame when he’s not cheating on anyone. Really takes the fun out of it.

The girls are drunk and Snooki literally pours the rest of their bottle of wine into an empty Gatorade bottle in her purse. If that doesn’t say class, I don’t know what does. Jenni comments that they are all really polished tonight, like a “polished turd.” I almost completely stopped listening but then as they are leaving, some old-ass man calls Deena FAT. Deena is f*cking pregnant, not okay dude. But the plot thickens. Apparently, as the crew walked by, what he actually said was, “every girl is fat.” Holyyy shit. Do you not remember what happened the last time some rando called a Jersey Shore lady fat? Here, I’ll remind you:

remember when Jwoww punched a girl in the face for calling Snooki fat pic.twitter.com/LANutF7a1e

— realitytvshow (@bgcslave) August 15, 2018


I’ve seen Jenni IRL and let me tell you, aside from her boobs that are larger than my head, she is tiny. Jenni and Snooks stalk back into the bar. Jenni is all, “Did you call a PREGNANT girl fat?!” And calls him a b*tch. And points in his face and is like “THIS IS WHAT’S WRONG WITH AMERICA!” Then the guy calls Jenni a b*tch.

BUT THEN. They walk away. I’m soooo disappointed. In the good old days, Jenni would have legit punched him in the face (see above). Quit this maturity thing, I like to watch trash TV for the possibility of assault charges! What is this sh*t?

Okay, the guys are still sitting at the table with their little dancer man. He finally asks for a picture with them. He danced for three hours for a photo. Then he walks away. Vin feels abused by the fact that he only wanted a picture.

The guys leave to get funnel cake. The girls go to bed. I don’t want to old-shame, but like, guys, it may be time for you to move on from Jersey Shore. These are not the guidos I know and love. Like, you guys got ice cream and went to bed. I don’t need to waste my life watching TV about this; it’s what I do regularly.

Since carbs found Vinny, he is now going HAM and cannot stop himself. Pauly calls him a cheater and makes him wear an iPad on a gold chain with a photo of himself eating carbs. They just have these things at their disposal just in case.

A whole day goes by with nothing eventful to show (shocking) and the gang all goes to dinner together. Vinny so ~randomly~ runs into his cousins at the restaurant. But guess what? Turns out, the cousin’s friend is THAT MOTHERF*CKER that called the girls fat last night at the same restaurant! I’m sorry, are there only like three restaurants in all of Jersey??? How did this happen? Vinny, are you seriously related to these POSes?

Ronnie: I’m going to play with my foot up his ass.

Weird flex, but okay.

Okay, so they’re showing this guy’s face which means he had to sign a release for filming, right? Seems like this is fake but oh well. Then the Fat-Shamer himself walks by Mike, and is like, “oh Mike? We have a mutual friend!” And Mike f*cking shakes his hand.

The girls are like, “why the f*ck are you shaking his hand?” And Pauly goes, “Get out of my table chooch!” (Wtf is a chooch?)

According to Urban Dictionary: chooch
The term is derived from the Italian word “ciuccio” and means jackass, dummy, idiot, or moron. A chooch is a person, who against better judgment, acts inappropriately.

The Fat-Shamer denies the fat-shaming. I’m sorry, HI, this is all FILMED. Ronnie is just sitting, eating and ignoring. Vin calls him a “doo-da-doo” which is apparently a loser. Why do all of their insults sound like they are from a fifth-grade playground? The guy retreats and Angelina realizes she knows one of the girls he’s with. Of course she does. The girl is a stripper and hates Ang. I also hate Ang so I can’t blame her there. They all go upstairs to the lounge club area and Jenni is wearing a cardigan and glasses like, why does she want to fight me?

The Fat-Shamer goes up to them and gives them the finger. Pauly jumps up and gets in his face, the first man to step up and defend the women, THANK YOU Pauly! It’s a lot of “WHAT’S UP MY GUY” before his security intervenes. Pauly’s “GUY” gets removed by security and the crowd chants Pauly’s name. It’s like every bullied kid in middle school’s dream. Also, it’s probably pretty easy to stand up to people when you’re surrounded by private security, just saying.

Ronnie misses everything because he’s once again destroying a toilet and runs into THE GUY outside the bathroom. The Guy compliments his man jewelry and tells him he has more money than him. They start bickering. C’mon, Ron, handle this. Make me hate you slightly less.

The Guy is like “I only call fat chicks fat”, which is OFFENSIVE, RON, but then he starts calling Ron “baby”, and this took a weird turn. And then Ron is all, “I’m not your baby”. And The Guy touches Ron’s chain. Ron is like, “OKAY LET’S GO!”

Ron: He’s wearing fake ass GIVE-INCH-EEE.

Referring to The Guy’s Givenchy shirt. Which is pronounced jee-von-shee, BTW. If you’re going to make fun of someone’s designer shirt, you have to know how to correctly say it.

The Guy: Come to my yacht parties and I’ll show you who gets paid. But like, will you come to my yacht parties???

???? Is this an insult or an invite? Jesus, fix it. Ronnie goes on a Ronpage and grabs all his security to go meet the guy for fighting purposes. Then the trashy stripper girl starts hounding Angelina. Classic Ang is all “f*ck you bitch, stripper bitch, ugly titties”. The guy never comes back—he literally let his GF fight for him? Then the stripper JUMPS the fence and security carries her out.

Unfortunately, this is also when MTV decides to cut the episode. Okay, finally I want to watch something about this show and it just ends?? Whatever, until next week.

Images: Giphy (2); MTV (1)

‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ Recap: Do You Have No Bra On?

We left off last week (two weeks ago?) of the neverending season of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation with Vin and Ang having horrible sexual tension that annoys everyone around them and Ronnie in a hot tub with yet another trashy girl.

Mike: Ronnie’s doing the same thing he got run over for.

The gang stops spying and goes to sleep as Trashy Barbie and Ronnie retire to his ~*bedroom*~. Except they all share bedrooms soo? Maybe he’s in the smush room.

Ronnie *in shower to himself*: There goes my life. Nothing good can come from this.
Ron: 

The girl is already in his bed. Despite all the MTV promos for this, Ronnie does not join her and instead goes to drink alone outside and text Jen. Trashy Barbie gets in bed with Ang so I guess she gave up. Ang is like, “did he try to hook up with you?” And TB acts totally shocked, like “OMG, NO, he has a girlfriend!” Um. You literally got in his bed. It’s safe to say that is the implication.

Ronnie goes to talk to TB and Ang and looks like absolute sh*t. He didn’t sleep at all because he spent the whole night fighting with Jen. Which is how I assume he spends every night anyway, this is not news. Then he goes, “Apparently, I’m single.”

Oooooh, you know he now has major regrets that he didn’t smush TB. Like is that why he’s in there? He’s trying to recruit her back into his bed? The moment’s passed, Ron.

Ron: Jen is just disrespectful, telling me she can’t wait to find a guy to raise my child the way I can’t.

Angelina acts v shocked but I swear we’ve heard this from Ron like 200 times. Like, yes, dude, she hates you. Ron continues to list more abuse Jen’s spewed at him, and again, all stuff she’s said before. TB leaves and Ronnie begins taking relationship advice from Angelina. It’s the blind leading the blind over here. Ron tells her that’s leaving Jen, which we’ve heard at least 11 times this season. And last season. MTV v compassionately plays a montage of Jen treating Ron like sh*t spliced with footage of Ron with his daughter. V sensitive.

Ang tells Mike and Pauly that Jen was sending Ron screenshots of Sammi Sweetheart with her new bf. This is material for the Petty Olympics. Ang also explains how *this time* Ron is leaving Jen.

Mike & Pauly:

Mike: One minute Ron’s single, then he’s taken. One minute he’s IFF, I’m F*cked Foundation, and then the next he’s on a Ron-page.
Pauly: Tomorrow he’s gonna be like ‘I love her’. The weather today is cloudy with 100% chance of Ronnie’s tears.

Ronnie’s entire personality is now cheating and crying. Meanwhile, Snooki and Mike are arguing about pork roll vs. Taylor ham (???). I’m from California, I have no idea wtf you morons are talking about. Also, I like that the levels of drama this episode are abuse, cheating, and child custody on one side, and over on the other side, we have Hamgate.

Mike: It’s like the status of Ronnie’s relationship. Unsolved.

Vinny is over the roommates’ drama and misses Deena. Snooki decides to kidnap her. TBH, she did nothing but fall down and cry last season, I really didn’t even notice she was gone. Vinny wants to use a trash bag to attack her, Jenni doesn’t want them to assault a pregnant woman. Hard to say who will win.

Vin: These are obviously Angelina’s trash bags because she has an endless supply of them.

Vinny is still bringing up Angelina. Let it go, dude. They decide to put dirty pantyhose over their heads, which is disgusting. The boys write some kind of ransom note. They want millions of dollars and Mike wants deli meat, I guess in exchange for Deena’s safe return? I hope if one of my loved ones ever gets kidnapped, it’s by The Situation. Mike puts together a meat and cheese tray, complete with bread and Cool Ranch Doritos.

Now they all have stupid kidnapper nicknames. Vinny is The Keto Kidnapper, Snooki is The Meatball (which is just her regular nickname, so no one exerted themselves on that one), Mike is The Baguette-Mans (unclear), Ang is Dirty Little Hamster (fitting, as she talks about her swamp ass while this is happening), Jenni is The Boobie-Trapper (Jenni now dresses like a grandma librarian, does she even have breasts anymore?), and Pauly is The Guido Ninja (and he proceeds to kick over a planter, spilling dirt all over the white rug).  I guess Ronnie is excluded.

The Boobie-Trapper: Anyone have eyes on Ron?
The Guido Ninja: He’s crying.

Then we see Ron sobbing in bed with the title: Special Appearance by: Single Ronnie.

Me to MTV: 

Mike: Should we bring Ronnie?
Everyone: No, he’ll ruin it.

They pull up to Deena’s house. Mike opens his Doritos.

Jenni: Leave the salami plate at the front door, ring the doorbell, then have everyone jump the fence at the back and go through the sliding glass door.

Mike steals bits of salami while they try to set the plate down. Ang rings the doorbell. The guidos go through the back door—seriously, why is it just left unlocked? It’s like you guys don’t even listen to Not Another True Crime Podcast. Deena is just sitting on her couch as everyone bursts in. She doesn’t look at all surprised, but to be fair, there was a cameraman sitting with her in the living room to film this happening, so maybe that tipped her off.

Mike is carrying a baguette as a weapon. But like. What’s happening to the meat plate? They bribe Deena to come to the house by giving her the smush room as her own room.

Deena: Did anyone have sex in my bed?
Vin: Well Ronnie almost did, so no.

Then they fill in Deena on the latest Ron scandal. Deena has doubts as to whether she can handle all this BS sober. Same. Vinny comments that Deena and Mike now have the same stomach which is FAT-SHAMING, and is not okay, it’s 2018. They arrive at the house and Deena is like “wow, it’s so nice.” But then she walks inside. The dirt is still all over the white rug.

Deena: It kind of smells garbage-y in here.

Just as I always imagined it did. Deena goes to say hi to Ron who is still crying in his bed. He doesn’t even acknowledge her.

Ron: 

They decide to go to a nice Italian restaurant to celebrate Deena’s return. Ron refuses to go so he can feel sorry for himself. The girls are getting ready and complaining about men, and Jenni announces she’s “going lesbian” (not how that works, again, it’s 2018). OMG, are they finally going to acknowledge Jenni’s divorce, or the fact that she literally has not mentioned Roger at all this whole time? I don’t even think she did last season. Angelina then tells them that her psychic grandmother said she saw Jenni and Roger headed for a divorce. Jenni’s like, “yeah well, I always talk about it.”

I guess just not on camera? Jenni then is like, “haha, I always say that, welcome to marriage.” She has a point, since 50% of marriages go that way, but it seems like she’s trying to play it off like it’s not serious. Which we know that it is. Angelina then claims she is also psychic. K.

Meanwhile, Vinny is ironing his shirt on his bed with a baby iron while Pauly throws his toenail clippings on the shirt. It’s all gross and I have no interest in it. They all go to dinner and Ronnie has not moved. The dinner consists of them complaining about Ron. Next we have to cover Angelina and Vinny’s awkward relationship and then Mike’s eating, since these are the only things going on this season.

Vinny: Oh I’m glad Ron isn’t here because I have this extra chair as a barricade from Angelina.

Right on cue.

Angelina: Hi Vinny.
Ang’s actual face rn: 

Vinny ignores her. Angelina wants to know why Vinny won’t talk to her.

Pauly (to Ang): You should make out with him. Did you get your teeth done? Do you have no bra on?
Pauly: I’m giving Vin a hall pass to sleep with Angelina as long as he washes 100 times with hand sanitizer down there.
Angelina: Well if you want to touch , you can, they’re brand-spanking-new. Chris hasn’t even touched them.

Now Vinny is intrigued.

Snooki: WHAT? Chris hasn’t touched your boobs yet? Jionni ed mine like a little baby.

F*cking ew. Things I don’t need to hear about. She’s apparently had the new boobs for months. Pauly is v upset by this news. Angelina then tells a way too graphic tale about how the sex with Chris was only good when they first hooked up, and since then, they barely have sex and it’s usually her doing all the work and he has no interest in it. Everyone suggests up Vin for a “good pounding”.

On the cab home, Ang is like, “I’m so honored The King noticed my breasts”, and everyone is like, WTF, The King, Pauly?

Ang: The King of Guidos has noticed my breasteses.
Jenni: The King of your life is your man.
Ang: He’s like The King of the Garbagemen.
The girls: 

Jenni: Angelina should just move on to her fourth engagement because this one is not going to work out.

Dirty Hamster Angelina has been engaged three times and I can’t get a text back, k cool, whatever.

Ang then goes on about how Pauly told her she has nice breasts, and the girls are like um, no, you sad, delusional handwritten book, he said, “Are you wearing a bra?” It’s v scary to see women rewrite history when it’s on film.

In the guys car, the gossip continues.

Vin: Tator Tot just posted something.

Tator Tot is Jen’s Instagram. Sidenote: Why are they allowed to have technology??? They should be stuck together with no one else and no activities like the good old days.

Vin: It says: A man that wants what’s best for you is best for you.

IDK, Jen, at this point I think he just wants to not be run over by cars. They get home and the girls are complaining about how badly they want to go to bed. Like, you guys just went to dinner. You are too old for this show. Then they discover that Ronnie is still in bed and hacking up a lung. As if he couldn’t repulse me more. They go into his room and tell him they brought him food. Ron blows them off.

However, the next day, the guys actually get him out of the house for a haircut. Vin says bye to Angelina, foreshadowing their impending affair. Vin is getting ready to have a tantrum about his hair, as per usual. Mike requests a nose hair waxing, which they just do in front of everyone. Like they literally stick hot wax on a stick, shove it up there, and pull. Ew. Ronnie, in typical breakup fashion, is relying on this haircut to fix his life.

Pauly: He cut all his problems away.
Ron: I need a haircut every day.

I really can’t wait until next week when Ronnie and Jen get back together!

Images: Giphy (7)

‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ Recap: RIP Ronnie

Buckle up, Jersey Whores, we have a double feature tonight. MTV is unaware that I have other sh*t to do besides watch three hours of these people and recap it. We left off with Vinny and Ang’s sexual tension leading to either smushing or murder. I don’t care which at this point, just let it end. We also saw in previews last week that Ronnie is going to resume his throne as King of Trash by once again cheating on Jen. She already tried to kill him, I don’t know why he continues to test her.

Vin and Ang scream at each other at the dinner table while Mike sits in the corner stuffing his face. He is definitely stress eating. The screaming ends eventually and they all go sit in awkward silence outside.

Mike: So Angelina, how does it feel to mess with a Bromitted man?
Vin (harsh maternal tone): MIKE.

Mike is so bored he’s trying to instigate sh*t, I don’t blame him. Then they go to bed. What kind of world is it where I’m relieved that Ronnie acts like scum? I need more entertainment than this.

Mike is going to do a burger challenge at Headliner’s. Vin and Pauly make jokes about how he’s been training for this moment.

Vin: He beat drugs, he beat alcohol, the only thing Mike has not beaten is the IRS.
Pauly: YET.

I have bad news, guys.

Okay so this burger is 10 pounds and you have to finish it in 10 minutes. I could have totally done this in high school. If you can’t finish it in 10 minutes, you wouldn’t be able to do it anyway. Oh my God, it looks so disgusting. It’s huge and like 20 patties, bacon, onion rings, probably small children, etc. Ew. Vinny, Pauly, and Ron are all on one burger together to see if they can beat Mike. I mean honestly, this is insane for three people anyway. They’re all going to vomit and I cannot watch that kind of nasty. This is when they are informed that no one has ever beat the challenge.

Mike is eating way too slowly. He’s eating like one onion ring at a time. I wonder how many calories this monstrosity is. At the four minute mark, Mike begins cheering for himself and ignoring the task at hand. He is so slow. He’s barely eaten anything. He has 30 seconds left and he barely ate half of it. So lame.

Mike: I may have done better if there was Funfetti cake in it.

Well, that was a colossal waste of time. Vinny declares that there is a huge difference between The Spiral Squad and The Non-Spiral Squad. The Spiral Squad includes Ronnie, Angelina, and Snooki.

Vinny: Watching The Spiral Squad is like being at the zoo, watching the animals from behind the glass.

This is when The Spiral Squad gets an honorary member, Angelina’s trashy friend Lindsey. She has full on silver and black eye shadow up to her eyebrows. In the daytime. This is not even an acceptable evening look. Ronnie, of course, thinks she’s hot. Because she’s a woman. Or more likely to him, a hole.

Pauly: This girl is extra. She has extra makeup, extra outfit, extra hair.

They get home and Mike calls Generic Blonde Lauren that he f*cked up his diet. I mean he didn’t finish it, but he definitely probably ate six full burgers, which is disgusting. If Lauren is fine with Mike cheating, being addicted to drugs, going to prison for fraud, I doubt being fat is a deal-breaker.

Snooki is lying in bed with heels and sunglasses on and it is a mood. Pauly puts on his giant bedazzled Jesus necklace. Where do you even buy this? They start talking about how Angelina’s friend that is 85% eye shadow is known “in the streets” as Jewish Barbie, which I take huge offense to. We Jews know how to look presentable.

Mike: Ang, what do they call you in the streets?
Ang: The Staten Island Ferry.

Pauly makes a face that I swear is the emoji with the big eyes and straight mouth.

Legit Pauly rn:

Image result for emoji straight mouth

Snooki then decides to start vomiting, which makes me furious because I thought we avoided this issue after the sandwich contest. I can’t listen to this. Jenni and Snooki are like, “why is this happening?” I mean IDK Snooks, it’s almost like you can’t take 14 shots in the middle of the day on an empty stomach when you’re in your 30’s. Sorry bitch, you’re old now.

Snooki: I might be pregnant, me and Jionni have been trying to have a baby.

Okay. WTF. Call CPS. If you’re trying  to get pregnant why the f*ck are you drinking like this? Your kid already will have your idiot genes, give the poor thing a chance! Snooki rallies and they all go out anyway. Ronnie begins rage texting in the cab. Obviously it’s with Jen. They don’t even see each other and they still get in fights every two seconds, it’s truly an art form. Snooki decides she must be pregnant so Jenni and Snooks go to buy a pregnancy test.

They go back to Headliner’s and Trashy Jewish Barbie is there, still in her camo pajama shorts and matching sweatshirt. Did she even go home? Her shellacked on black and silver eye shadow is still holding up great though, what primer does she use? Ronnie is sitting in the corner, still grumpy texting.

Ron with his phone: 

Ronnie: Jen is sending me pictures of my ex with her new boyfriend, saying that’s how happy I’m gonna be, and she’s so happy she’s not with you, and she’s gonna find another guy to take care of my daughter.

That is f*cking harsh. Is it Sammi? I hope it’s Sammi. Why doesn’t he just block her number when she does this? Who wants to talk to someone like that?

Meanwhile, Snooki is looking for pregnancy tests she can understand, ones that say “yes” or “no”, not lines or crosses. Back at the club, Ronnie finally puts his phone away and starts taking shots.

Vin: Uh oh.

Trashy Barbie is flirting with Pauly and puts a sticker of his face on her ass. I love that Pauly walks around with stickers of himself. I need to get to that level of extra. Snooki’s pregnancy test comes back negative. Shocking.

Snooki: I’m just old. And I can’t f*cking hang anymore.
Jenni: Join the 30’s club. You’ll start developing heartburn, you’ll start puking yourself.

Snooki is super disappointed that she’s not pregnant when she should be relieved that she hasn’t caused serious cognitive issues to her fetus from her drinking. Priorities, bitch. Pauly asks Trashy Barbie if she’s coming home with them. Vin offers up his bed. She’s sitting next to Ron. It really could go one of three ways. (Or all three? Ew.)

Snooki: Jewish Barbie is the hottest chick in this bar and all the boys want her.

That says a lot about the quality of this bar.

Ronnie jumps in the girls cab to intercept Trashy Barbie first and everyone is like, “Ooooooooooooooh.” Vinny and Pauly are both mad. Ronnie asks her to go swimming. Oh, here we go. Angelina, warn your friend! What kind of girl code is this? No one deserves to be subjected to Ronnie’s Tours (TM).

Angelina asks Trashy Barbie which of the guys she would F*ck, Marry, Kill, but she politely says “get rid of” instead of kill. Or maybe that’s what you call it in Jersey.

Immediately Trashy Barbie is like, “kill Mike, I hate that guy.” She would marry Pauly D (good call, he has the money). And she would f*ck… *drumroll*…. RONNIE, in a surprise twist. Except not really because they showed it already in the previews. Looks like that keto diet is for nothing, sorry Vin.

Ron is f*cked. He goes to sit next to TB and they flirt about pizza and the color blue while gazing into each other’s drunken eyes. Ang is just looking on in disgust.

TB: Are we gonna go in the Jacuzzi? You only live once.

Yes honey, but herpes is forever. The rest of the gang is all sitting together and judging as a collective group. Ronnie doesn’t bother putting his bathing suit on because, as Pauly astutely figures out, “it’s going to come off anyway.”

Ronnie: Listen, I’ve seen a lot of girls with bathing suits. I’ve seen a lot of girls without bathing suits. Another girl in a bathing suit is not tempting.

Why would you suggest getting in a hot tub with a random girl, drunk and alone, if it’s not to hookup? It just seems like a waste of time. TB goes to the full length mirror in her bikini and checks out her ass for a full five minutes in front of everyone. It’s funny how the group really doesn’t care because everyone hates Jen. They get in the pool.

Pauly: Ronnie, did you not see what happened to Ronnie after the last time? How dumb can you be? This girl is gonna drag him for another car ride.

Vinny is watching them through the curtains. She’s inching closer.

Vinny: They’re about to make a matzo ball soup in the hot tub.

Now all the guys are pressed up against the window.

Mike: It’s like a car crash.
Vin: They’re getting in the Jacuzzi!
Pauly: I thought they were in the Jacuzzi?
Vin: No they were in the pool.
Pauly: What’s the difference?
Vin: The Jacuzzi is ratchet time.

Vin is literally giving a play by play. He’s so mad this isn’t him right now.

Vin: 

Pauly asks Jenni and Snooki if they would consider this cheating if it was their significant others. Everyone is like, yeah no sh*t. Pauly says he wouldn’t even let Vin do this with another man. Jen is going to murder him. OH MY GOD, Jen then texts Jenni because she can’t get ahold of Ron.

Ang: What do you think he’s saying to right now?
Jenni: I am the president and CEO of the I’m F*cked Foundation.

Jenni makes a really bold and dangerous move and does not tell Jen anything. Jen is probs watching this right now so if we hear about Jenni and Ron both murdered tomorrow, I think I know who did it.

Jenni: Ron is going to have to change his name, his age, his nationality. He will have to be legit Puerto Rican Jesus in Puerto Rico.
Pauly: I can’t understand this man’s mind.
Vinny: This man is a legend. History books will be written about Savage Ronnie.

Snooki gets on her stomach to watch on the balcony. Everyone follows. Mike is eating a bowl of popcorn while he watches. This is amazing. Oh God, they get out of the hot tub. TB asks Ronnie for a shirt. She legit came here in pajamas, she does not need to be borrowing clothing. It’s on.

TB crawls in Ronnie’s bed.

Ronnie: There goes my life.

Bye Ron, it was nice knowing you.

Images: iEmoji.com; Giphy (3)

‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ Recap: Rehab And Keto Are The New Vegan And CrossFit

Previously on Jersey Shore Family Vacation, Snooki had transformed into Dren, her drunken monster alter ego, and proceeded to humiliate the roommates at a nice restaurant. Was that last week? Idk, fam, this season is like 200 episodes long, they are all blurring together for me at this point. Also, I’m sick and super loaded up on Dayquil. We’ll see how this goes.

Dren at this restaurant:

Oh my God, Dren, must you be so f*cking loud? This is a restaurant and she’s shrieking like a banshee. Some of us aren’t feeling well and need you to use inside voices for this episode, God. (I would turn the volume down but then I can’t hear everyone else speaking.) Dren asserts her dominance by flinging broccoli across the table and howling.

Vinny: Luckily the broccoli was sauteed in butter, so it’s keto, so my body can absorb it pretty well.

Vin, quit lying to yourself, we already discovered that our Keto Guido is a liar as his little keto strips proved that butter is a carb. Or more likely, Vin sneaks carbs in secret. Vin, I do it too, no judgement.

They finally wrestle Dren out the door where she proceeds to attack Angelina in the cab. Jenni is refereeing, absolutely livid that she is parenting toddlers yet again when she only went on the show to escape her kids to begin with.

Jenni: We are not going to the club if this is how you’re gonna act!

Dren then pours water all over Ang and herself. There is a lot of shrieking. Should I take more Dayquil? How much can I take before it kills me?

Me trying to get through this f*cking episode bc this is my job:

They all arrive at the club where they let Dren drink even more. Her teeth really freak me out btw, they look like one big piece of teeth and they glow v strangely in the blacklight. What has she done to herself? I mean, veneers are supposed to be separate individual teeth, right? Angelina starts grinding on Vinny’s lap.

Vinny: I’m just trying to be cordial. She’s just like bouncing on my d*ck.

Yeaaaah Vin, seems like you’re really doing your best to avoid this situation. Angelina dumps her entire purse onto the street. They’re all sloppy messes. The girls go to bed in their full clothes and full face of makeup. Gross, guys, you’re going to get wrinkles. Oh wait, actually they have so much Botox, their faces don’t move anyway, so it’s probably fine. Snooki is trying to force Angelina into Vinny’s room.

Angelina: I hate Vinny, he’s a momma’s boy, a little bitch.

Then she goes to join him in his bed while Snooki cackles manically. Then Snooki and Jenni go to watch.

Snooki: 

Jenni: I’m not trying to watch, but Imma watch.
Snooki: This is Vinny’s worst nightmare but Angelina’s wet dream.

Me: This is disgusting.
Also me: 

Vinny: I want Angelina to leave me alone, I’m not playing this game.
Vinny to Angelina: Do you want to f*ck right now? Get in the bed right now.

Jenni and Snooki are on the floor clapping. Vinny then takes his pants off. This is escalating quickly. Vinny and Ang proceed to wrestle in his bed. Why is he encouraging this? Then Angelina digs into Vinny about how he’s nothing without Pauly. Like, what is wrong with these people? Angelina is now mad at Vinny, unclear why? Ang begins bitching to the girls (by girls, I mean Jenni, Snooks, and Ronnie) about how Vinny claims to like Chris (her fiancé) but he doesn’t really like Chris, etc.

Jenni: I don’t think you like Chris.

Angelina defends herself by being like, “I love Chris, otherwise I’d bang Vinny.” Um. Yeah. Sounds like true love. Also, you did just try to crawl into his bed. Snooki is like, “yeah you shouldn’t say you would bang someone else if you’re engaged, like you can think it, but don’t say it.”

Ang: I wouldn’t bang him, I would dump in his face while he’s sleeping though.

She is actual trash. I need more medication for this.

Mike wakes Jenni up for some reason. I’m not listening. Something about rehab? Jenni is like, “oh sh*t, is it okay that I’m still drunk?” Mike is like, “oh pretend you’re not.” Okay, so they’re going because Mike volunteers at a rehab where he lines up scholarships or something. Mike tells a sob story where he tried to escape from rehab and left in his car and Lauren was chasing him in her own car and Mike got pulled over and claimed a crazed fan was following him. To be fair, Mike was a complete jerk and Lauren kept following him around anyway, so it’s not really that far off.

Angelina wants to talk about Vinny again. Uggggggggh Ang shut up. Ang is like, “oh Vinny loves me, everyone sees it, the faster he admits it the better.” Why does she want him to admit it? What will that help? Snooki tells Ang she needs to apologize for attacking him.

Snooki: Last night Angelina grabbed Vinny’s penis.

I wonder how Ang’s fiancé Thumb Thumb is going to take all of this. What is he going to say? “Hey Ang, since we’re like getting married, I’d really appreciate it if you’d stop molesting other men, kthanks.”

Vinny starts making fun of Mike for being basically like a television Evangelical, even mocking him like, “It’s like you have to be better and not bitter.” And he’s doing this unironically while wearing a shirt that, I kid you not, says “State of Ketosis”. Like, Vin. You guys are both really annoying. Who knew that rehab and keto are the new vegan and CrossFit?

So Jenni arrives at rehab with Mike and she’s literally sweating tequila. She’s like, “f*ck they’re going to want me to stay here.” Same, girl. Mike is giving some kind of scholarship, which like, are you allowed to do scholarships with stolen money? Like, is this considered a good thing or…? I mean I guess it’s better than spending it on drugs. So they’re talking to people in the rehab and one guy is like, “Oh I watch your show, and it’s so personal to me because I grew up in Seaside Heights.” Yeah, sir. They’re um. Great role models. Then they all pray.

Mike celebrates his sobriety by going to Burger King and ordering half the menu. Is… is he aware food addiction is a thing?

The rest of the gang is going drinking and they invite Deena to meet them for dinner. Supposedly Pauly is showing up at some point too but he’s sure taking his time. He’s barely even on the show now! Mike and Jenni are meeting them at the bar.

Mike: Tbh, going straight from rehab to Jenk’s is so f*cked up.

Uh. Yeah. Yeah it is. Jenni walks into Jenk’s and immediately demands to know why Angelina grabbed Vinny’s crotch. From what I recall, Jenni saw the whole thing last night, so it’s unclear as to why this is being addressed a day later. Angelina says nothing and Vinny blames Jenni for the issue since they instigated it. Vinny tells Jenni on the beach that he’s “done with that psycho” and he’s “living with a troll”. He totally encouraged this behavior, so it’s super weird why he’s now shocked she’s obsessed with him. Jenni and Vin decide to come up with a safe word to say “enough is enough”. He picks “nuclear fusion”. I don’t think he knows what those words mean.

Angelina and Snooki are dancing like mad people and Jenni is like, “I feel like my child is missing.” The rest of the group wants to leave so they put Ronnie in charge of babysitting. Snooki refers to them as “the spiral squad”, which is perfect. Snooki is referring to herself as v mature as she’s falling all over the place. They finally go home and Snooki falls into a bush. Ang is asleep in the cab. Ronnie has had enough and goes inside and leaves them there.

Ronnie (mimicking Snooki): F*ck you Ron, love you.

You know you’re in a bad place when Ron has had enough. Jenni collects the trash bags (Snooks and Ang) and Angelina starts harassing Vinny again. Jenni tries to tell her to stop but she does not. Ron tells her this is her own fault for trying to touch Vin’s penis and “to unto others as you want done to yourself”. Says the notorious cheater.

Pauly arrives and the entire mood of the house lifts up. And then all pray in a really creepy, monotone way. Everyone’s like, “oh it’s not the same without you Pauly, the family’s complete now, blah blah blah,” and Pauly is like, “yeah but where is Deena?” And everyone is like, “ohhh right Deena’s not here.”

Then Snooki breaks the news to Pauly that Angelina touched Vinny’s penis, to which Pauly demands to leave and storms off from the table.

Pauly: First of all, Vinny is going to have to take 100 showers before I ever touch that thing again. Secondly, what are you doing touching my man?

Angelina then tells everyone Vin is obsessed with her and that she reminds him of his mother so that’s why he loves her. Ooookay, Dr. Freud.

Vin: How dare, how dare you! I don’t care if you compare yourself to Kim Kardashian. I don’t care if you compare yourself to f*cking Beyoncé. Do not, DO NOT EVER, compare yourself to my mother.

Vinny then tells Ang to stop talking to him, and Ang is like, “No, you want to marry me.” This is soooooo awkward. Also? Why is she on this? She’s engaged to someone else.

Vinny: Oh you solved the code, I want to marry you.
Ang: Don’t be a jerk, I’ll come at you.
Vinny: COME AT ME, BRO.

Vin, to be fair, “coming at you” is not leaving you alone. The bickering continues and I zone out in a cold medicine-induced hallucination.

Vin: You were literally on my d*ck last night.
Ang: It was a joke.

This brings me back to college where all the super fratty guys were constantly molesting each other and then calling it a “joke”. Hello, sir, you still touched another man’s junk. That part is not the joke, that is a fact.

Vinny snaps at Angelina and screams at her. Then Ang screams back. They are literal children. Jenni tries to break it up again, Mom in Action. Mike goes to eat dessert in frustration.

In next week’s preview (next week? Seriously, when is the finale of this show?), we see, according to Mike, that “Ronnie’s Tours are back in business”, as Ronnie v obviously cheats on Jen. Ron is all, “there goes my life,” in a voiceover while they show night vision footage of Ronnie in the hot tub with some random girl. To be fair Ron, your life hasn’t been going so well anyway. Until next week!

Images: Giphy (7)

‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ Recap: Check Please

We left off last week on Jersey Shore Family Vacation with all the couples in Atlantic City seeing Pauly D’s show. Ronnie begged everyone to allow Jen to come and they begrudgingly agreed, knowing it would end in tears (Ron’s) and disaster. Ron was v shocked when Jen got too drunk, threw a fit, and left him, aka disaster.

All of us:

All the roomies are hanging out and Ron comes in looking super disheveled.

Vin: You can tell Ron’s status by his hair.
Ron: 

Ron is also glued to his phone. Can’t imagine who he’s texting. Angelina comes in with Thumb Thumb and Vinny literally says, “Good morning, my love.” Like. Vin. The more you joke about it, the more obvious you are. It is super awkward.

Deena comments that Jen was supposed to bring the baby over in the morning for them to see her. She doesn’t show up and Ron leaves with his tail between his legs.

Then there is a super weird “THREE WEEKS LATER” sign. Like what? Nothing else happened? And then a bunch of v fake text messages between the roommates like, “Hey I got a shore house? Omg on the beach? Omg lit wtf dgaf lol etc wwjd.” Which means. Is. This. Show. Still. Going. On? I mean at this point we’ve followed them through like 50 houses… like what??? What? Is this my life now? I’m going to have to write about every detail of what Mike eats until I die? How is this happening?

what is going on

Snooks and Jenni go visit Deena because she’s been on bedrest. Deena started bleeding which normally as a woman is the best news ever, but not when you’re already pregnant. The baby is fine but she has to be on bedrest. Good for you, Deena! Because of her circumstances, she doesn’t want to live in the shore house with everyone. So like. This is truly happening? Another house?

Snooki is asking what she missed in Atlantic City—btw, did we even know why she didn’t go? Like I’m sure they talked about it at some point, I just actually cannot remember? Snooki, this is your legacy, you can’t just bail on sh*t. Deena explains how Vinny was basically trying to f*ck both Angelina and Thumb Thumb and how they all kept dancing as an awkward Angelina sandwich.

Deena: It was a dirty Staten Island sandwich.
Jenni: Vinny and Angelina are going to do sex in the next shore house, but I just don’t know if Chris is gonna be there watching or participating.

Either way, ew.

Deena doesn’t know if Vinny would have sex with her, but it seems like he will (duh).

Jenni: He will to prove a point. Vinny’s penis is six degrees of Kevin Bacon.
Deena and Snooki: Um what?

Um, I don’t get it either? Am I dumb for not getting it or is Jenni dumb and I’m smart for not getting it? Is this show making me dumber? I can’t watch so many hours of Jersey Shore without side effects, guys!

Jenni: It means that no matter where you go in this world, Vinny’s was part of it.
Snooki: What does that have to do with Kevin Bacon?

Angelina tells Chris she’s going to another shore house with the roommates. Like if I were him, I’d be pissed, like b*tch, are you ever home? Angelina starts talking about how great Vinny and Chris got along and Chris is like yeah, whatever, change the subject.

Angelina (in her interview): I’m jealous of Chris and Vinny’s relationship, like he comes in out of nowhere and has a great relationship with Vinny.

I hope they watch all this back together and see how uncomfortable they’ve made me with this Vinny sh*t. Chris tells Ang that Vinny kept asking why Chris likes her, and Ang is like, “omg, so are you saying he loves me????? I don’t blame him for loving me.” Chris then gets pissed because he asked her to change the subject and yet she brought it back to Vinny again. Chris, you Thumb Thumb you, it’s almost like you’re catching on.

Snooki is in charge of finding a shore house so naturally she found one on Craigslist.

Snooki: I’m like very responsible, I have two kids and they’re still alive.

She’s talking to Ron on her car bluetooth about how she hopes it’s not the house from The Shining. You know, the Overlook Hotel. Which is a hotel, not a house. Up in the mountains. In the wilderness. And fictional. She hopes not to find it at the beach in Jersey. Then she hangs up on Ron and is like, “Ron is the guy from The Shining.”

Tbh, I can see it.

Snooki arrives at the house, which is huge, bragging about how she found it… and interestingly enough, it’s already outfitted with their weird camp style bedroom layouts and filming equipment. What a convenience! But then Snooki realizes there is no beach in the backyard. I feel like this problem could have been avoided by just looking at the house on Google maps?

How do you have a shore house with no shore? I’m gonna go ahead and call what happened. None of the actual shore houses were nice enough for these now-rich assholes so they have to drive out to find something super far from the actual shore. I miss the good old days.

Ron is the first to arrive, and he and Snooki take about 20 minutes to set the clock on the oven. Snooki somehow relates it to when she was in college (?) and Ron asks the question on all our minds: “You went to college?!” The American education system at its best right here. I don’t even f*cking know geography.

Ron proceeds to destroy the kitchen in two seconds, spilling things, dropping a cake on the floor, using the blender without securing the lid, you know, the usual. Ron and Snooks immediately start chugging drinks. A taxi arrives and blares on their horn repeatedly until Snooks and Ron get in. Haven’t they heard of Lyft? Ron and Snooks go to dinner and Ron tells her how great his relationship with Jen is. Sounds totally believable, Ron. Why must we always talk about this?

Snooki: Is that before or after she dragged you with a car?
Ron: It’s better than it was.
Snooki: Why would you be with someone who tried to kill you?
Ron: The attempted murder wasn’t even that bad.

Ron then proceeds to give a ridiculous diatribe about how this is all really TMZ’s fault and TMZ would be like, “oh Ronnie opened the door,” and yeah, that’s all fine except she was arrested for this, sooo… Snooki is like, “yeah, whatever, just don’t be on the news again.”

Ron and Snooks go out to dance at a bar together. Wouldn’t it be so amazing if they ended up together? Like, she is volatile but not violent, and she likes short, square guys like Ron anyway. This could be a match in Jersey heaven.

Angelina is in a cab on the way to the house and Snooks is like, “oooh wait I’m not there, come to the bar.” And Angelina is like, “Uh with all my luggage?” I’m just impressed she even has luggage and doesn’t use trash bags anymore. Angelina then talks sh*t on Chris and how happy she is to get away from him. Yeah, so you’re going to for sure have sex with Vinny then.

Angelina arrives at the bar with all her bags.

Snooki: Angelina is walking into the club with her luggage, like I love her, she’s such a mess.

Snooks, this is 100% your fault because you were supposed to let her into the house.

Ron: I’m just happy they’re not garbage bags.

Oh cool, now Ron and I are sharing thoughts. When is the season finale?!

The second Ang gets there, Ron wants to leave, so this was just a huge waste of my everyone’s time. Snooks needs to be basically carried to bed because she’s so drunk. Angelina calls her boyfriend and he’s sleeping and she’s like, “Why are you pissed? Why are you cranky?” Ang, why are you f*cking annoying?

Angelina tried to cuddle in bed with Snooki and she refused.

Angelina: What? I’m not gonna pee in your bed or something.
Snooki: Pee in the bed, what are you, Floribama?

Angelina is complaining about Chris to everyone over breakfast. She’s basically like, “Chris is too comfortable around me and I hate him.”

Snooki: That’s what’s called marriage.

Ron appoints himself Breakfast Therapist and begins to instruct Angelina on how to share her feelings and resolve conflict.

Ron: If I’m giving you relationship advice, that’s how you know you’re f*cked.

Once again, Ron and I are sharing thoughts. (What is happening to me???)

Snooki then tells Ron that Angelina won’t stop talking about Vinny and it’s annoying.

Snooki: Bang him, punch him in the face, and move on.

Mike and Vin arrive and Vin is pleased to find that Ron’s hair is done.

Vin: Ron is like Humpty Dumpty. He falls, he’s shattered, you’ve got an eyeball here, an eyeball there, and you think, that sh*t is never gonna be be put back together again. And then you see him and he’s like perfectly combed over. Humpty Dumpty on steroids.

Snooki tells Mike she made food for him, and Mike’s going on about how he’s lost weight.

Mike: 

Ron: Mike always says he’s losing 5-7 lbs but then he gains 20.

Ron, I feel attacked right now.

Mike tells Ang that everyone is spreading rumors that she’s a “cucker” which apparently means swinger? I don’t know. Then Angelina tells Vinny in front of everyone that he sucks in bed.

This makes Vin need to rush to go and check if he’s in ketosis right now. Vin, she already wants to have sex with you, you don’t need to lose any weight. So he has these little strips that you pee on to check if you’re in ketosis. That is sooooo sad. Mike demands to see the strip himself as he is a self-proclaimed “expert” on pee strips. Turns out, our keto guido only has a small trace of ketones. It looks like carbs found him.

Vinny then tries to establish dominance over Angelina by asking her to wash a dish and feed him.

Ang: Vin loves me because I remind him of his mommy.

Then Vinny asks Ang to sit next to him. Now that he’s got her attention, he uses this moment to tell everyone that Ang has a giant vagina and drops a condiment bottle in a much larger vase to demonstrate what sex with her is like. Vin, then why do you want it so bad? Also, anytime a guy says a girl has a giant vagina, I just think that means his penis is really small.

They all hang out at the pool and Vinny is super sad that he can’t do a flip into the pool. Despite Mike’s 5-7 lb weight loss, he refuses to take his shirt off and sits outside of the pool. Which is super sad, like live your life. People don’t dislike you because you’re chubby, they dislike you because you’re a felon.

Jenni arrives, which is basically the same thing as Jenni not being here, since she insists on dressing like an old lady and doing nothing interesting. Vinny is thrilled because the gang fills him in that Ang is unhappy with her fiancé. They go to nice restaurant and Snooki is pounding vodka sodas in the corner and cursing. It’s like me at Thanksgiving. They try to order Snooks bread to sober her up, but she insists on asparagus instead. Which she eats with her hands. Snooki then gets up from the table and announces “now I’m gonna fight.” And then she sits back down and orders a glass of wine.

Snooki tries to express her love to Jenni and instead tells her she wants to f*ck her. They all keep calling her “Dren” which Mike explains is Snooki’s drunken alter ego. Dren then gets up and starts dancing and screaming for everyone in the restaurant to look at her. She’s also wearing athletic shorts in a v nice restaurant.

Ron: Check please!

Let’s see if Snooki can stay awake for when they go out, if Vinny and Ang bang it out, if Pauly will ever get here, next week!

Images: Giphy (7)

‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ Recap: I Always Wanted To Be On TMZ

So we left off last week with Deena still being pregnant and Angelina taking her ring off and blah blah blah. Deena is having a gender reveal party, which like, it’s super weird to have a party dedicated to the genitals of your future child. No? Like if I had a vagina party, that would be “offensive”, but if it’s for a baby it’s ok? Smh what a double standard. ANYWAY. Snooki tells her daughter, “Remember when you were in my belly and I pooped you out?” One, no sh*t, she obviously does not remember. Two, you need to go back to sex ed.

Deena thinks her baby is a girl, Chris thinks it’s a boy, Deena’s like, “I feel like it’s like 50/50.” Yes, that’s how probability works.

Mike and Generic Blonde Lauren show up, of course dressed in pastels. Mike says it’s his cheat day, but like, every day is a cheat day at this point. Vinny doesn’t know what a gender reveal party is, which like, hey Vin, it’s self-explanatory.

Mike is enlightening Vin with some of his wisdom. Should you take advice from someone about to go to prison? Imma say no.

Mike: If you don’t plan, you plan to fail.
Vin (to Generic Blonde Lauren): Do you have to hear this all the time?
Mike: A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor. Life is a marathon and not a sprint. The waves are not gonna stop but you can learn how to surf. You can throw me to a pack of wolves and I shall return leading the pack.

Mike, throw out your Quote of The Day calendar. Please, God.

Apparently getting run over by a car doesn’t stop Ronnie from crashing Deena’s party. What would a party be without Ronnie crying about himself the entire time?

Pauly has a bunch of balloons of his face delivered for the future “Pauly” or “Paulette” but he didn’t bother showing up. That’s exactly how I like to do baby showers. Avoid, but send a gift.

Ronnie shows up and scares the sh*t out of Jenni, who was not paying attention when he walked literally up behind her. Jenni would definitely be the first to die in a horror movie. No one really seems very excited to see him, probably because we’re all equally sick of his sh*t.

Vin: Seeing Ronnie is like seeing Big Foot, like you hear about him on TMZ every day.

Ronnie basically tells Deena that he’s only there because she was so crazy about him not being around when her dad died. And she finds this flattering.

Vinny wants to know how Ronnie was removed from the car. I assumed Jen somehow threw him out while the car was moving. Apparently, he was exiting the car and she just started driving.

Ron: It was an accident.
All of us:

Mike: I hate when that happens.
Ronnie: It was a bunch of unfortunate events.
Vin: It was just a misunderstanding. He just got stuck in the seatbelt, got dragged on the highway, over the divider, popped three tires… Happens to everybody.

Ron tells them he and Jen are trying to work things out. If getting run over by a car is not enough to breakup with someone, I don’t know what is.

Ron: We’re going to do couple’s therapy.

Ron: It’s like 7 hours of therapy a day.

Good thing you guys don’t have jobs. GET OUT!!

Okay, now we’re getting to the gender reveal part. The box starts smoking (?) and it’s blue. It’s a boy! But like, why was it a wrapped gift that was set aflame to reveal the gender? Is that how gift boxes work?

Deena sees three deer, because you know, they’re outside. She is immediately, like, “Oh my God, I knew my dad would be here.” Like, your dad is a deer? Also, your dad is three deer? Are they like horcruxes? He split himself three ways to make an impression?

It’s Mike and Pauly’s birthday and they’re all driving to Dave and Buster’s.

Vinny: I’m not fighting with the hamster. I’m leaving the hamster in its cage.
Angelina: Do you think Vinny likes me?

You guys seem to be on the same page.

They’re all at dinner and Mike is complaining that his clothes don’t fit. He thinks maybe Generic Blonde Lauren shrunk his clothes in the wash. I’m sure that’s it.

Angelina announces that she’s bringing her fiancé to Pauly’s show in Atlantic City. And then immediately makes sexual innuendos to Vinny. Ronnie says Jen might make it. That’ll go over well. Mike gets a bunch of diet things for his birthday gifts, like a food scale. He also gets things to remind him about his impending prison sentence, like a cop hat. Pauly gets a megaphone and a giant cutout of Vinny’s face.

Pauly arrives to Atlantic City and they just have balloons and tiny Pauly D faces everywhere. Everyone bitches about the impending doom of Ron bringing Jen and ruining (and possibly endangering) their lives. All the couples begin to arrive to Pauly’s room. Mike and Generic Blonde, Angelina and her fiancé who looks like a giant thumb, Deena and Chris, Jenni ALONE. Ominous.

Ronnie arrives. Also alone. Seriously though, how could he even expect his friends to be nice to her after Cargate?

Angelina bitches to her Thumb Thumb (like from Spy Kids, do you remember this movie?) that everyone thinks they fight all the time and she wants to prove them wrong. The only reason they think that is because she told them this. Then she snaps at him to not be a moron in front of everyone. You guys seem super happy.

Ronnie and Mike are arguing with each other and then Mike congratulates himself on not making fun of Ronnie for almost losing custody of his child. What a guy. Mike then kind of forces Ronnie to apologize to him for his behavior in Miami.

Mike: Ronnie is being the bigger person, which is saying a lot, because he’s short and has no neck.

They all go to dinner at Gordon Ramsey’s Steakhouse. Vinny and Angelina are yet again flirting awkwardly but it’s even worse because it’s in front of her Thumb Thumb.

Vin: Oooh Angelina got an extra dirty martini.
Angelina: Vinny doesn’t think he’s from Staten Island.
Jenni (to Thumb Thumb): Did you know they did sex?

I’m gonna bet he did not. Thumb Thumb just laughed it off, which I’m shocked by.

Mike gets heart eyes at the meat. He orders meat that previously listened to classical music. And 20 sides. He’s like, it’s fine, I’m on vacation. Like when is he not on vacation? Thumb Thumb starts snapping at Ang. Heeeere we go.

Jenni asks how long they were dating before getting engaged. He says a year, she says seven months.

Vinny: I’m glad he’s here because he can argue with the dirty hamster and I have the night off.

Angelina is bringing up a fight they had where Thumb Thumb got a hotdog and didn’t share with her. Tbh, I get that. That’s grounds for breaking up for sure.

Pauly loudly announces that their bickering is unkind to Mike’s steak, who previously listened to classical music, but now has to sit through this.

Ronnie bails on the dinner looking crazy and texting vigorously. Like, stop talking to her, you stupid, stupid man. Ron’s texts keep going off and he’s making aggressive faces and shaking at the table.

Ron: So Jen’s in town and I want her to hang out with us this weekend.
Everyone:

Ron: We’ve been good recently.

Before or after the car dragging?

Vinny: She can come, I always wanted to be on TMZ!

Wait. It ended. I thought this was the finale? This show is never ending. I’m sure this will go over super well. Can’t wait!

Images: Giphy (5), MTV (1)

‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ Recap: Hailey’s Comet

After Thotchella and the Bromitment ceremony, I would think we’d be done here, but this season is never ending because we’re going back to the OG Shore.

The guys wake up super hungover and they seem like they are dying. I get exactly like this when I have two glasses of Chardonnay. Oooh, I forgot they had those paid escorts random girls that were super into them over last night.

Mike then called his fiancée, Lauren, and told on himself. She flipped her sh*t (fair) and told him to get his ass home before she beats him to plan the wedding.

Vin and Pauly are bickering about the proper way to pack. Pauly is already talking about Bromitment Therapy. Guys, it’s been a day, get your sh*t together.

Jenni goes to meet Angelina. Why?? Can’t we just agree Angelina sucks and stop inviting her places? Like it’s super easy guys, just dump her. That’s what I do to everyone. They must be really paying Snooki a good amount to literally force Angelina into our lives. Snooki never even liked her either!

Ang is basically like, “oh you guys are all friends and don’t like me.” Duh. Jenni is like, “yeah, you just showed up and then called me a whore.” Then somehow they’re hugging against Jenni’s will.

Jenni: I’m introverted and weird and don’t like hugs.

TBH, I get that.

I have extra sympathy for Jenni now that we know she’s getting divorced. She just seems like a miserable person who totally let herself go, which is what happens to all of us in a bad breakup.

Jenni, but not as chic:

Mike goes home to Lauren and she immediately fat shames him and forces him to weigh in. Mike tries to blame Vinny for his weight gain. K. Can I blame Vinny for my weight gain too? Hearing him talk about keto makes me crave carbs.

Vinny goes home to his mom and tells him that he got married to Pauly.

Vin’s Mom: It’s… it’s like a friendship thing?

Suuuuuuuuure.

Pauly and Ronnie go home and go to some kind of SoulCycle. Of course they do. Then, because it’s Ronnie, we have to talk about how he’s a father. Pauly says it’s his fifth Father’s Day having a kid, and then he says how important his kid is. TBH I forgot he had a kid because he literally NEVER TALKS ABOUT HIS KID AT ALL.

Ronnie tells Pauly that he is not single Ronnie. Are you. Are you kidding me? Can I call social services myself? How, HOW is Ronnie back with Jen? How can his standards be that low? She literally physically assaults him and acts like a psycho and hit him with a car. Who is he turning down?

Snooki and Jenni go to see Deena for a girl’s night but for some reason, Snooks is calling her “Deener” which is gross and I want it to stop. Oh wait, it’s not really a girl’s night, they meet up with all the guys at dinner in Jersey.

Deena: Do you guys want to see my sonogram?

Everyone: Nah, we’re good.

Deena forces them to look anyway.

Everyone: Awww…

Oh please, it doesn’t even look like anything. It’s a cloud on a screen! I hate baby people.

They all start talking sh*t on Ron, which is the moment I realize Ron isn’t here. I should have noticed no one is crying about babies or abusive baby mamas.

The gang decides to call Danny and ask to stay in the house. As if they didn’t plan this a year prior and pay Danny a zillion dollars for it. Snooki says she’s inviting Angelina. Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Eye Roll

Omg, so awkward, they do a flashback to the last time they left Jersey. Jenni is crying and saying her life is “perfect now” because of the Shore since that’s where she met Roger. Great memories.

Lucky for Jenni, that’s overshadowed by a montage of headlines about Jen’s domestic battery arrest and the car-running-over incident. Okay, so I guess that hadn’t happened when he took her back the last time. But Ron, look what she did to your innocent TVs. Obviously, it was going to be you next.

They’re all on their way to the house and even Deena is coming despite her pregnancy. Ang goes to pick Snooki up.

Angelina: Leaving the house the first time was the biggest mistake of my life.

Yeah, no sh*t, they all have careers because of it and you don’t.

Mike and Vin are driving together talking about how they don’t know if Ronnie is coming because he was dragged by the car yesterday. I mean, he should, because he needs to run away from that psycho. But also, please don’t, because I’m so sick of his whining.

So everyone just continues to talk shit about Ron and saying they don’t want him to come. Glad we’re on the same page, guys.

TBH I didn’t know they were even allowed back at the Shore? Wasn’t this a thing at some point?

Angelina has literally the exact same hair I had in 7th grade. Snooki brought Crocadilly back to the house, which I’m pretty sure is considered abusive parenting after what happened to him last time. She also brought the duck phone back. Angelina is all bitter because she doesn’t “remember” anything, and like yeah, f*cking duh, because you weren’t there.

Deena: I was in the Jersey house more than like, it’s more my house than hers.

What kind of weird competition is this?

Vin says something real suspect about Angelina. He’s like, “oh I hate her but like you can pick on her and she’s cool, but I hate her.” Like, Vinny may as well have confessed his undying love for her for how weird that was. I’m repulsed. Vin, it’s real obvious you want to smush her. Again.

Now there’s a montage of Jersey Shore patio memories. Like, remember when you guys were fun? OMG, they’re showing footage of when they first met and Sam was there (rip) (okay not really but pretty much) and when Mike was in shape.

Vinny: Angelina is like Hailey’s Comet.

1) Is it not Halley’s Comet? 2) Vin, stop being obsessed with her, it’s gross.

Angelina: Everyone thinks Vin and I are going to f*ck.

Yup.

Jenni and Deena reminisce about Deena getting arrested. Ah, good times.

Pauly and Vin are in their old room on their tiny leopard print twin beds and the room is literally like a small, ugly closet. They’re like “oh did the room get smaller?” Like, no guys, you got richer.

Angelina is now complaining that Vinny pretended not to know her. AND THEN, she reveals that they f*cking went to high school together. And live a block apart. Like, how did Vinny pretend he didn’t know who she was?

Vinny: Angelina is like the Loch Ness Monster. Like, I’ve heard of her, but I’d never seen her.

All of this is awkward.

So then, Ronnie calls and says he’s not coming. Bummer. And by “bummer”, I mean, “Oh Thank God”, because I’m sick of his sh*t.

Vinny: What a… drag.

Vin. Now is not the time.

I’m so glad to get some Jersey Shore without people crying about babies and domestic abuse. Bye Ron, don’t come back, k thanks.

Images: Giphy (4)