So, Jersey Shore Family Vacation is literally just my life now and I have no idea what’s even going on anymore. I feel like I’m back in high school in SAT class. Deena comments that she loves the house so far, citing things like she “got a good night’s sleep” and “has her space”. I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware I was watching a show about church camp, BUT GOOD FOR YOU. Maybe they’ll go swimming and exchange friendship bracelets.
Deena then corners Vinny and asks about the penis touching incident and told Vin it seems like he and Ang are a couple. #burn.
Then Snooki says she is throwing a 7-year-old style birthday party at the house which is both weird and f*cking annoying. Jenni is thrilled because she “throws these parties all the time”. Sounds super sick, guys. This is so much worse than friendship bracelets.
Pauly D: An adult themed party sounds like a porno party. Sometimes on my tour bus, we have adult parties.
F*cking ew. Can we work on getting some kind of STD testing sponsorship for Pauly’s DJ sets?
They are literally jumping at a bounce house. I’m half expecting Corinne Olympios, queen of naps and cheese pasta, to show up and try to molest someone in it.
Angelina shows us all how to use a giant hamster ball, as she is the dirty hamster expert here. Mike almost dies trying to use said hamster ball because he has obviously not been doing his cardio.
Burger King is catering this entire thing. I’m sorry, what the f*ck am I watching? I make up all kinds of excuses to avoid my friends’ kids’ birthday parties, and yet now I’m somehow being held hostage to watch sad grown adults have a kids party because they are trying to make “drama” for their show.
Vin completely lies about his diet and pretends this is the first time he’s had carbs. But hi Vin, those keto strips don’t lie. Then Mike lies too, claiming he hasn’t had BK in years. We literally have FOOTAGE of him and Jenni at Burger King post-rehab speech. Mike, we have the receipts.
Vinny is making up some game or “challenge” amongst himself where the losing option is to kiss Angelina’s feet. Yeah Vin, seems like you really don’t want to do that. He acts like he can’t lose because he’s so grossed out by Angelina. But again, he’s the one who came up with the feet kissing.
Vin: Hey, Angelina should kiss my feet, or I should kiss Angelina’s feet, but I hope that doesn’t happen because Angelina is gross. Haha. But like, can we still do the feet kissing?
Oh my God, I just noticed Vinny is wearing a shirt with the Instagram logo that says “Introverted”. I’m sorry, that is f*cking obnoxious. Get with the program, we all stopped bragging about being introverts in like, 2014 when Thought Catalog stopped being cool. Vinny wins and Angelina now has to kiss his feet, which I’m sure he’s thrilled about. This isn’t Ang’s worst Tuesday. She’s used to being disgusting. Vinny is so excited that Ang kissed his foot that he hugs her in gratitude. All of it is disturbing.
The girls and guys decide to separate for the night. Ang decides it’s going to be a classy night which means no swearing, napkins on laps, proper posture because she has scoliosis, and no bodily functions. Okay, let’s just replace her with someone who isn’t trash. The guys are going to the club and I’m way more excited for their drama. We finally get to see Single Ronnie at work. There is no talk about Single Jenni, and that’s a total bore. The girls go to a classy bistro for cheese and wine, and Angelina calls Jenni “a disgust” because she’s burping and whining that she’s fat. K.
The guys go to Jeni’s and Ronnie is like, “oh I haven’t been Single Ronnie in 15 years,” and it’s like, Ron, your best Single Ronnie was always when you had a girlfriend. The guys are horrified to find it’s country music night. The scene is lame so they eat ice cream cones in the corner. This is literally me at every bar. Then some sad sack comes up near their table and is pathetically dancing to himself and miming fake sobs. Oh my God, is doing The Ronnie? Is this a dance move now?
Vinny: Don’t lock eyes with him, OMG he’s seducing me, OMG I’m in love, JUST KIDDING.
I don’t believe any “just kidding” of Vin’s anymore, I guarantee he will sleep with this man. This guy is just staring at them dancing with a chair. Mike is overall pleased with boy’s night, as he’s had a chance to gorge himself. Single Ronnie is completely lame when he’s not cheating on anyone. Really takes the fun out of it.
The girls are drunk and Snooki literally pours the rest of their bottle of wine into an empty Gatorade bottle in her purse. If that doesn’t say class, I don’t know what does. Jenni comments that they are all really polished tonight, like a “polished turd.” I almost completely stopped listening but then as they are leaving, some old-ass man calls Deena FAT. Deena is f*cking pregnant, not okay dude. But the plot thickens. Apparently, as the crew walked by, what he actually said was, “every girl is fat.” Holyyy shit. Do you not remember what happened the last time some rando called a Jersey Shore lady fat? Here, I’ll remind you:
remember when Jwoww punched a girl in the face for calling Snooki fat pic.twitter.com/LANutF7a1e
— realitytvshow (@bgcslave) August 15, 2018
I’ve seen Jenni IRL and let me tell you, aside from her boobs that are larger than my head, she is tiny. Jenni and Snooks stalk back into the bar. Jenni is all, “Did you call a PREGNANT girl fat?!” And calls him a b*tch. And points in his face and is like “THIS IS WHAT’S WRONG WITH AMERICA!” Then the guy calls Jenni a b*tch.
BUT THEN. They walk away. I’m soooo disappointed. In the good old days, Jenni would have legit punched him in the face (see above). Quit this maturity thing, I like to watch trash TV for the possibility of assault charges! What is this sh*t?
Okay, the guys are still sitting at the table with their little dancer man. He finally asks for a picture with them. He danced for three hours for a photo. Then he walks away. Vin feels abused by the fact that he only wanted a picture.
The guys leave to get funnel cake. The girls go to bed. I don’t want to old-shame, but like, guys, it may be time for you to move on from Jersey Shore. These are not the guidos I know and love. Like, you guys got ice cream and went to bed. I don’t need to waste my life watching TV about this; it’s what I do regularly.
Since carbs found Vinny, he is now going HAM and cannot stop himself. Pauly calls him a cheater and makes him wear an iPad on a gold chain with a photo of himself eating carbs. They just have these things at their disposal just in case.
A whole day goes by with nothing eventful to show (shocking) and the gang all goes to dinner together. Vinny so ~randomly~ runs into his cousins at the restaurant. But guess what? Turns out, the cousin’s friend is THAT MOTHERF*CKER that called the girls fat last night at the same restaurant! I’m sorry, are there only like three restaurants in all of Jersey??? How did this happen? Vinny, are you seriously related to these POSes?
Ronnie: I’m going to play with my foot up his ass.
Weird flex, but okay.
Okay, so they’re showing this guy’s face which means he had to sign a release for filming, right? Seems like this is fake but oh well. Then the Fat-Shamer himself walks by Mike, and is like, “oh Mike? We have a mutual friend!” And Mike f*cking shakes his hand.
The girls are like, “why the f*ck are you shaking his hand?” And Pauly goes, “Get out of my table chooch!” (Wtf is a chooch?)
According to Urban Dictionary: chooch
The term is derived from the Italian word “ciuccio” and means jackass, dummy, idiot, or moron. A chooch is a person, who against better judgment, acts inappropriately.
The Fat-Shamer denies the fat-shaming. I’m sorry, HI, this is all FILMED. Ronnie is just sitting, eating and ignoring. Vin calls him a “doo-da-doo” which is apparently a loser. Why do all of their insults sound like they are from a fifth-grade playground? The guy retreats and Angelina realizes she knows one of the girls he’s with. Of course she does. The girl is a stripper and hates Ang. I also hate Ang so I can’t blame her there. They all go upstairs to the lounge club area and Jenni is wearing a cardigan and glasses like, why does she want to fight me?
The Fat-Shamer goes up to them and gives them the finger. Pauly jumps up and gets in his face, the first man to step up and defend the women, THANK YOU Pauly! It’s a lot of “WHAT’S UP MY GUY” before his security intervenes. Pauly’s “GUY” gets removed by security and the crowd chants Pauly’s name. It’s like every bullied kid in middle school’s dream. Also, it’s probably pretty easy to stand up to people when you’re surrounded by private security, just saying.
Ronnie misses everything because he’s once again destroying a toilet and runs into THE GUY outside the bathroom. The Guy compliments his man jewelry and tells him he has more money than him. They start bickering. C’mon, Ron, handle this. Make me hate you slightly less.
The Guy is like “I only call fat chicks fat”, which is OFFENSIVE, RON, but then he starts calling Ron “baby”, and this took a weird turn. And then Ron is all, “I’m not your baby”. And The Guy touches Ron’s chain. Ron is like, “OKAY LET’S GO!”
Ron: He’s wearing fake ass GIVE-INCH-EEE.
Referring to The Guy’s Givenchy shirt. Which is pronounced jee-von-shee, BTW. If you’re going to make fun of someone’s designer shirt, you have to know how to correctly say it.
The Guy: Come to my yacht parties and I’ll show you who gets paid. But like, will you come to my yacht parties???
???? Is this an insult or an invite? Jesus, fix it. Ronnie goes on a Ronpage and grabs all his security to go meet the guy for fighting purposes. Then the trashy stripper girl starts hounding Angelina. Classic Ang is all “f*ck you bitch, stripper bitch, ugly titties”. The guy never comes back—he literally let his GF fight for him? Then the stripper JUMPS the fence and security carries her out.
Unfortunately, this is also when MTV decides to cut the episode. Okay, finally I want to watch something about this show and it just ends?? Whatever, until next week.
Images: Giphy (2); MTV (1)
After Thotchella and the Bromitment ceremony, I would think we’d be done here, but this season is never ending because we’re going back to the OG Shore.
The guys wake up super hungover and they seem like they are dying. I get exactly like this when I have two glasses of Chardonnay. Oooh, I forgot they had those paid escorts random girls that were super into them over last night.
Mike then called his fiancée, Lauren, and told on himself. She flipped her sh*t (fair) and told him to get his ass home before she beats him to plan the wedding.
Vin and Pauly are bickering about the proper way to pack. Pauly is already talking about Bromitment Therapy. Guys, it’s been a day, get your sh*t together.
Jenni goes to meet Angelina. Why?? Can’t we just agree Angelina sucks and stop inviting her places? Like it’s super easy guys, just dump her. That’s what I do to everyone. They must be really paying Snooki a good amount to literally force Angelina into our lives. Snooki never even liked her either!
Ang is basically like, “oh you guys are all friends and don’t like me.” Duh. Jenni is like, “yeah, you just showed up and then called me a whore.” Then somehow they’re hugging against Jenni’s will.
Jenni: I’m introverted and weird and don’t like hugs.
TBH, I get that.
I have extra sympathy for Jenni now that we know she’s getting divorced. She just seems like a miserable person who totally let herself go, which is what happens to all of us in a bad breakup.
Jenni, but not as chic:
Mike goes home to Lauren and she immediately fat shames him and forces him to weigh in. Mike tries to blame Vinny for his weight gain. K. Can I blame Vinny for my weight gain too? Hearing him talk about keto makes me crave carbs.
Vinny goes home to his mom and tells him that he got married to Pauly.
Vin’s Mom: It’s… it’s like a friendship thing?
Pauly and Ronnie go home and go to some kind of SoulCycle. Of course they do. Then, because it’s Ronnie, we have to talk about how he’s a father. Pauly says it’s his fifth Father’s Day having a kid, and then he says how important his kid is. TBH I forgot he had a kid because he literally NEVER TALKS ABOUT HIS KID AT ALL.
Ronnie tells Pauly that he is not single Ronnie. Are you. Are you kidding me? Can I call social services myself? How, HOW is Ronnie back with Jen? How can his standards be that low? She literally physically assaults him and acts like a psycho and hit him with a car. Who is he turning down?
Snooki and Jenni go to see Deena for a girl’s night but for some reason, Snooks is calling her “Deener” which is gross and I want it to stop. Oh wait, it’s not really a girl’s night, they meet up with all the guys at dinner in Jersey.
Deena: Do you guys want to see my sonogram?
Everyone: Nah, we’re good.
Deena forces them to look anyway.
Oh please, it doesn’t even look like anything. It’s a cloud on a screen! I hate baby people.
They all start talking sh*t on Ron, which is the moment I realize Ron isn’t here. I should have noticed no one is crying about babies or abusive baby mamas.
The gang decides to call Danny and ask to stay in the house. As if they didn’t plan this a year prior and pay Danny a zillion dollars for it. Snooki says she’s inviting Angelina. Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh.
Omg, so awkward, they do a flashback to the last time they left Jersey. Jenni is crying and saying her life is “perfect now” because of the Shore since that’s where she met Roger. Great memories.
Lucky for Jenni, that’s overshadowed by a montage of headlines about Jen’s domestic battery arrest and the car-running-over incident. Okay, so I guess that hadn’t happened when he took her back the last time. But Ron, look what she did to your innocent TVs. Obviously, it was going to be you next.
They’re all on their way to the house and even Deena is coming despite her pregnancy. Ang goes to pick Snooki up.
Angelina: Leaving the house the first time was the biggest mistake of my life.
Yeah, no sh*t, they all have careers because of it and you don’t.
Mike and Vin are driving together talking about how they don’t know if Ronnie is coming because he was dragged by the car yesterday. I mean, he should, because he needs to run away from that psycho. But also, please don’t, because I’m so sick of his whining.
So everyone just continues to talk shit about Ron and saying they don’t want him to come. Glad we’re on the same page, guys.
TBH I didn’t know they were even allowed back at the Shore? Wasn’t this a thing at some point?
Angelina has literally the exact same hair I had in 7th grade. Snooki brought Crocadilly back to the house, which I’m pretty sure is considered abusive parenting after what happened to him last time. She also brought the duck phone back. Angelina is all bitter because she doesn’t “remember” anything, and like yeah, f*cking duh, because you weren’t there.
Deena: I was in the Jersey house more than like, it’s more my house than hers.
What kind of weird competition is this?
Vin says something real suspect about Angelina. He’s like, “oh I hate her but like you can pick on her and she’s cool, but I hate her.” Like, Vinny may as well have confessed his undying love for her for how weird that was. I’m repulsed. Vin, it’s real obvious you want to smush her. Again.
Now there’s a montage of Jersey Shore patio memories. Like, remember when you guys were fun? OMG, they’re showing footage of when they first met and Sam was there (rip) (okay not really but pretty much) and when Mike was in shape.
Vinny: Angelina is like Hailey’s Comet.
1) Is it not Halley’s Comet? 2) Vin, stop being obsessed with her, it’s gross.
Angelina: Everyone thinks Vin and I are going to f*ck.
Jenni and Deena reminisce about Deena getting arrested. Ah, good times.
Pauly and Vin are in their old room on their tiny leopard print twin beds and the room is literally like a small, ugly closet. They’re like “oh did the room get smaller?” Like, no guys, you got richer.
Angelina is now complaining that Vinny pretended not to know her. AND THEN, she reveals that they f*cking went to high school together. And live a block apart. Like, how did Vinny pretend he didn’t know who she was?
Vinny: Angelina is like the Loch Ness Monster. Like, I’ve heard of her, but I’d never seen her.
All of this is awkward.
So then, Ronnie calls and says he’s not coming. Bummer. And by “bummer”, I mean, “Oh Thank God”, because I’m sick of his sh*t.
Vinny: What a… drag.
Vin. Now is not the time.
I’m so glad to get some Jersey Shore without people crying about babies and domestic abuse. Bye Ron, don’t come back, k thanks.
Images: Giphy (4)
Oh my God, it’s the Jersey Shore: Family Vacation season finale! I literally feel like I’ve been writing about this show for like a year. I don’t even remember what happened last episode, because everything is a blur of Jenni’s grandma attire, Mike stuffing his face, Ronnie’s little bitch crying. I think Mike got engaged. Was it to funfetti cake?
Ooooh wait, okay, Mike and Ronnie are arguing, which is literally what happens in every episode. Sidenote: I feel super weird using words like “lit” and … I can’t even think of a second one because I am that detached from today’s youth. Like, I feel too old to say shit like that, and yet these guys are way older than me and they have no issues using the children’s lingo? Is that weird or is it just me?
Me trying to be cool and relatable:
Okay, so they’re just recapping the highlights of the season, specifically when Angelina shit her pants and tried to prove her innocence by showing us the inside of her panties. I mean, is this a highlight? Is that where the bar is set? Other highlights include Vin’s mom (definitely), when Vin prevented some rando from wasting perfectly good Champagne by smashing the bottle into Deena’s face, and when Vin dressed up as a terrifying woman.
Vin really carried a lot of this season, like what the fuck did everyone else do?
Ronnie is saying he’s so grateful Sam didn’t come because now they see what a *cool* and *chill* and *fun* guy he is now. Is he… is he serious? Ron, you literally did NOTHING but cause drama and fights, cry, cheat, disrespect your woman (AND BABY), and cry again about Sam. You are totally cool and chill. What a great time you are, you delusional motherfucker. He also says his worst choices were bringing those random girls home—like, no shit. And that was night one.
Mike: Does this mean you’re shutting down Ronnie’s Tours?
Okay, we definitely need to make a Ronnie’s Tours shirt immediately. What will we ever do without Ronnie touring skanky women around the house so that the wind can shut the door even though he tries his best to keep the door open?! Somehow this v funny joke (actually Mike, I’m not even being sarcastic) turns into “Ronnie’s Rehab” which we definitely learned he needs recently from his ex Jen. But then it’s like, idk, she also just dragged him with her car, so maybe she’s not one to talk. Ronnie goes fucking bonkers, proving that he needs rehab because people who don’t use drugs aren’t offended by rehab jokes. Fucking duh.
Ronnie: I get crazy when I party but it never fucks up my life LIKE YOU MIKE.
Ronnie: *cheats on Sam when fucked up*
Ronnie: *cheats on Jen when fucked up*
Mike gets furious and then spills that Ronnie called him two weeks before the show saying he needs rehab. Ooooooooooooooooh. Kinda weird that Ronnie thinks he needs rehab and then goes on a show where he does nothing but party and drink. Ronnie apparently was planning on going to rehab after the show, so I guess his fucking up here was his last hurrah. Pauly is all of us hiding under the table.
Mike: You need rehab!
Ronnie: Not like your rehab, like a special, different rehab!
Mike: Rehab is rehab!
What kind of world are we living in where I start agreeing with things Mike says? Ron is now screaming that he takes care of Jen (does he?) and his “fucking kid” (kid isn’t born yet, dude). Mike and Ron proceed to scream at each other until I lose interest and they decide to drop it, I guess. Somehow Vinny is blaming Jen for this.
The girls are saying Mike is in the wrong for throwing out something that Ronnie told him privately, but like, it’s super fucking annoying when someone pretends he’s holier-than-thou when he himself very obviously has issues with drugs and alcohol and has admitted it. So I guess I’m Team Mike with this one, but it’s like, when the teams are both horrible and you’re choosing like, dog shit over horse shit.
Ronnie: I’m going home to my woman and my baby!
…Aaaand a breakup. And probably a restraining order. It’s fun to know the future. Mike and Ron kiss and make up and Ron says he’s going to rehab after the show. He definitely has not done that, but okay.
Snooki is too tired to go to Drag Queen Drunch and I am so disappointed in her. Where is the Snooki we know and love? Get your shit together, woman.
The good old days:
Literally nothing happens at the drag show, so I have nothing to say about it. Pauly gets a call that he’s DJing at some Miami club. Deena and Jenni come home hammered. I guess that is how you know you’re old and no longer fun—when your night out takes place at 11am and then you go to sleep. #relatable.
The girls somehow manage to rally to go to E11even to see Pauly DJ. I mention the name of it because they’ve said it 14 times so I’m assuming they really need the publicity. Snooks is like, oh we’ll see boobies and butts and it’ll be crazy and a shitshow! It feels like my mom trying to convince me something horrible is going to be fun.
Snooki: I swear we’re still cool kids, it’s gonna be craaaazzzzyyy, we may like drink and then be drunk, and then stand around, but we’ll be drunk doing it!
K. Then Jenni somehow almost blows up the kitchen by boiling water, which is truly a talent. Ronnie is saying he’s nervous to go home, and it’s like yeah, when you’re disrespectful and lie and attempt to cheat on your pregnant girlfriend and say you don’t want to be with her, and that you’d rather be with your ex, and it’s ALL ON TV, yeah, you should be super scared of going home. Because you fucking ruined it. How is he possibly making himself the victim here? I am done with men.
Snooks revives the pouf for the last night out. Jenni dresses like she’s in a Backstreet Boys music video. What has happened to our J-Woww? She used to be the Queen of Slutty Club Attire.
Look it’s Jenni, second from the right:
I’m so distracted by Jenni’s terrible crimes in fashion that I almost missed that Pauly’s creepy af stalker Vanessa is in the crowd watching him DJ. This is that chick that would go to the Shore Store and just stare at him and salivate, and then they told her she was creepy, and she still did not have enough self-respect to leave or at least close her drooling mouth. Pauly encourages the crazy and calls her up to say hi to her. She has a Pauly D shirt. And a Pauly D tattoo. Yikes. Sidenote: If Pauly D just got the call to DJ today, how did Vanessa have enough time to fly out from Jersey to attend this event? I smell conspiracy.
The girls get drunk and go home and absolutely nothing happens. Yeah Snooks, v v crazy. Control yourself. Snooki’s big exciting moment of the night is questioning her sexuality because she loves the strippers. I mean? Didn’t she have a major lesbi-honest moment with Deena before? We already knew this.
How does Pauly wake up so early after nights out every time? I need 3-5 business days to recover from any amount of drinking. What kind of drugs does he take and where do I get them? Vin and Pauly are wearing matching Jersey Shore: Family Reunion shirts that use Brush Script font, and I find that personally offensive. Vin then announces he doesn’t like his girlfriend, the Instamodel (no shit), and he’s going to break up with her. Tbh, I forgot he hasn’t already done so considering we haven’t heard from her or about her in maybe 10 episodes. Oh wait, now Vin says he’s kidding. Idk why you would joke about that considering it wasn’t funny. Oh and also, he totally broke up with her after the show, soooo…
They all sit down to family breakfast, complete with Sonic slushies, which is the dream. They all have the horrible matching Brush Script shirts.
Jenni: What a great trip, no one even went to jail!
She’s forgetting Mike’s sentencing isn’t until after the show, but ok. They’re all telling us what they’ve learned and how great their lives will be.
Mike: I may go to prison but I also am engaged.
Those things don’t undo each other, but sure.
Ronnie: My little Ronnie with crazy legs (??? unclear?) is coming and everything is going to be so good.
…Should we tell him?
Then they ride off into sunset via Escalades.
Ooookay. So I don’t want to be a dick, but I feel like totally lied to. When I interviewed the cast at their premiere, they said Mike was the most changed and was so inspiring. He did nothing but sit in the corner and eat cake. Is that inspirational now? If so, I’m waiting for my Ted Talk. Deena also said she changed so much this season and was so proud of the way she stood up for herself. Deena mostly cried about her boyfriend (husband?). Then, Snooki and J-Woww said this was the craziest season when it kinda seems like they had three vodka sodas and went home by midnight every time they went out. But okay guys, you haven’t lost your touch.
Hopefully next season, which has already been confirmed and will be in Vegas, land of Pauly D and Ronnie, will be way trashier and the kind of TV I strive to watch. Ronnie, Vinny, and Pauly will all hopefully still be single so we can get some Smush Room drama back in the game. Also, who knows? Maybe Vinny will find carbs again and get his personality back. Maybe Roger will be so sick of being with a 90-year-old woman that he’ll leave her and we can get the J-Woww we know and love slutting up our screens. Here’s to hoping! Also, if I was a producer on this show, I would offer Sammi SO. Much. Money. that she could not possibly turn it down to come back. Sammi Sweetheart, our country needs you.
But the real question is… who gets Sammi Sex Doll?
Images: Giphy (6)
Last week, we left off with two scary-looking women at the house: Vinny and Angelina. Angelina has yet to make an appearance, but judging by her completely newly purchased face, she is still trash and I expect she will behave like trash when she finally crawls out of the sewer to bang on the door. Also? Do people who get total face reconstruction like that fear for their children? Like, you realize your kid will look like your old face, yes? Wtf is Kylie Jenner going to do when her little girl starts to grow up and has no lips and a handsome jawline? Anyway, let’s get into the Jersey Shore: Family Vacation episode 9 recap.
Snooks and Jenni are leaving to go see their kids that probably don’t look anything like them because they also purchased new faces. Doesn’t Pauly also have a kid? He’s just like, fuck that chick, I don’t need to leave all the reality show fun to see that little bastard. Deena surprisingly isn’t going home to see Chris, which means she will spent the next 72 hours sobbing hysterically about it, most likely from the floor. Pauly declares that they need to get rid of “Mean-a” before they go out that night, and sadly, I totally agree with him. Remember when Deena needed to tell Chris she disrespected him by accidentally falling to the floor? I have NO patience for sloppy drunks. It’s not that hard, guys! Have fun, don’t give a fuck about men, and keep your vagina covered. Those are the only requirements to not be labeled a sloppapotamus. I could be seven vodka sodas deep and as long as I thought to match my panties to my dress and continue to be a good time, I’m considered a class act.
All the guys are plotting to ditch Deena, it’s like Mean Girls: Guido Edition and Deena can’t sit with us. Pauly’s idea is to fly her back to Chris—like she could do that on her own if she wanted to, right? It’s not a great plan. Ronnie suggests writing her a note. He never fucking learns, this guy. Wow, they’re actually going with the flight-and-note plan. How could this possibly go wrong?
However, Deena is not exactly a Mensa scholar, so maybe she won’t get that they’re violently forcing her out of the house. She is also wearing a sweatshirt that I SWEAR TO GOD was going to be one of my sorority’s propaganda shirts. Like, the ones that you all wear the same day so that girls that didn’t get into your sorority cry about how uncool they are because they don’t get to match. This particular shirt has purple/blue lips and our adviser didn’t allow it because blue lips is apparently a drug thing (ecstasy? I don’t know, I’ve never been to Coachella) and our T-shirt chair was so pissed she fucking quit the whole sorority over this. Over this exact shirt.
Snooki: Notes are bad news so I hope this is a joke.
Is Snooki aware that she wrote the note last time? Like, not all notes are bad, just the one YOU wrote one time had bad information. And only because you guys were too dumb to just talk to Sammi when it was very fucking obvious that the only people who would tell on Ron were you and Jenni.
Vin: The original note is like the bible. You can’t rewrite that.
Isn’t Vinny like, actually religious? But okay. So this note is basically the same note as Vinny’s bible and loosely implies Chris is cheating on her. V interesting perspective to take on the whole “making this a positive” spin. Also Ronnie thinks appalling is spelled “a-Paul-ing”. As in Pauly, one of six words he knows.
All of us to Ronnie:
The back of the note says, “JK, you’re going to Jersey,” and Deena bursts into tears. In a surprising twist, Deena is overjoyed because she doesn’t want to spend the weekend with the guys. Good for you, Deena, you never have fun when you’re out with them anyway. But like, couldn’t she have just planned her own trip? Is she held captive because she doesn’t have kids? Ronnie and Vin violently hump each other to celebrate the girls leaving. What is wrong with men? I really don’t get this kind of thing, like they’re “joking” but they are still actually humping each other, so it’s not really a joke?
Why are the guys so excited to go out by themselves? All of MVP+R are in relationships besides Pauly, and he hasn’t brought a single chick home. He’s losing his touch. The only one getting girls is surprisingly Ronnie, but again, it’s super easy when your standards are beneath the floor. The guys freak the fuck out because there is a Sammi Sweetheart clone at the club.
Ronnie: SAMMI IS WAY HOTTER.
I wish I made that up, but he legit just said that. Like, Ronnie, LET IT THE FUCK GO.
The guys go get Fake Sammi, not to be confused with Doll Sammi. OMG, PAULY D wants to fuck Fake Sammi. Wow, I never knew Pauly wanted to fuck Sammi. She went for The Situation first and then Ron, it’s only fair for him to have his turn.
Mike with all the burgers and fries is definitely me when all my friends are with their dates. Like, I’m sorry, my animal-style fries never stand me up and text me 24 hours later saying, “oh sorry, I just got super busy.” NEVER.
Ronnie is now muttering to himself that Pauly fucking fake Sammi is disrespectful to him WHICH IS SO FUNNY because I thought she didn’t look like Sammi, Ron?! YOUR STORY IS FALLING APART.
How is this girl not uncomfortable fucking Pauly while 1) there are cameras and 2) Vinny is in the room watching while eating his burger???
I’m fucking loving the cuts back to Ronnie sitting on the couch, continuing to discuss with producers to what degree Fake Sammi looks like Actual Sammi. He’s just so excited to have any excuse to talk about her. He’s literally going through pics of her on the iPad. HOLY SHIT and then he called a cab to get rid of Fake Sammi? I wonder if Actual Sammi watches this, like his behavior is fucking Fatal Attraction at this point.
Definitely Ronnie to Sammi:
Vin: Ronnie is not jealous at all.
Ronnie pulls Fake Sammi out of bed and shoves her out the door.
Ron: Now I know how Mike felt his whole life.
Hm, that’s so weird Ron, because you said you didn’t like Sammi anymore (after you said you were in love with her but w/e) and that this chick did NOT look like Sammi? I’m getting very sick of him, when does Angelina come fuck shit up?
Vin and Pauly: It seems like…. Ronnie… maybe sent home Fake Sammi… because… she looks like Sammi?!
It took them until the next day to figure this out. Mike and Ron somehow get in a fight.
Ron: You can’t have your cake and eat it too, unless you’re Mike.
Is that a fat joke, Ron? It’s 2018, that shit isn’t allowed anymore. Also, super funny he is aware of that expression considering he is constantly trying to HAVE AND EAT THE FUCKING CAKES.
Mike: You’re just an extra at the Shore House.
Ron’s drama is 95% of this show, unfortunately. If anything, Mike is the extra this season, all he does is eat in the corner.
Ron: You can finally put a sentence together.
Yeah Ron, it’s totally A-PAUL-ING. Oh wait, I just got it. Like a prison sentence. It’s fine guys, I spent $200,000 on college.
Mike: Similar to that clogged toilet upstairs, you’re full of shit.
Must we be reminded? They still haven’t gotten that fixed? Also, why do all the boys run around in a circle?
Ron: Where’s the bus stop, didn’t they take all your cars?
K, that one was pretty good. Let’s hope it doesn’t lead to Mike bashing his head into concrete again.
Jenni is having a “third” life-crisis. Does that explain why she’s been a total bore? The show would be the exact same if Jenni just stayed home. She used to get in fights and write notes and shit, and now she just wears glasses and purses her giant fake lips. The boys are eating cheese and looking at fancy cars. Mike lists his 200 Ferraris he used to have. I can’t believe the IRS managed to catch him with that kind of stealth? Snooks is helping her kids learn. Those poor, poor children. Also, this is making me fall asleep. I have no interest in the boys driving cars. I have no interest in Deena and Chris. Luckily, Pauly is always here for me when the show is getting too fucking dull, because he
was forced to by producers calls Angelina. I’m actually grateful he called Angelina, that’s how bland this episode got. Poor Sex Doll Sammi is lying in the pool. She has seen better days. Sidenote: isn’t she electrical? Is that not a hazard to throw her in a pool?
Vin: The girls will be so surprised to see Angelina that their faces will actually move.
Angelina is obviously thrilled she’s coming, she missed out on a lot of fucking money by ditching the Shore twice. Oh good, the girls are coming home for the shit show.
What the fuck. We are almost done with the episode, and the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island hasn’t even come yet. Are they pushing this bullshit to the next fucking episode?
My biggest complaint with Angelina’s arrival is that her entrance was clearly filmed separately from Mike opening the door. Like how many times did they rehearse that? So awkward. And she has a fucking suitcase. So she’s staying???
Mike: I didn’t even know you were alive?
Me either, what has she been doing this whole time? Oh apparently getting engaged. Angelina’s engaged, for the third time, to a sanitation worker. Which is pretty funny considering she is trash. Also, Angelina has had three men want to spend the rest of their lives with her? Mike is mad that Angelina said he had a small penis. Like, really mad. Like the amount of mad you would be if you really do have a small penis and it was outed on national television. File this under Shit I Did Not Need to Know.
Oh good, the girls are here!
I waited the whole episode for this and nothing even happened yet. Bullshit, JERSEY SHORE, BULLSHIT. Someone better get punched next week!
Images: Giphy (4); MTV (1)
It’s happening guys, Baby Mama Jen is coming to the Shore. Oh wait, Miami. Whatever, she’s coming to see what the fuck her man has been up to while he’s been out of town. Ronnie is claiming he is v excited to see Jen, and yet he looks like he’s awaiting a prison sentence. At least he has Mike to relate to rn. The entire cast awaits her arrival by staggering on the staircase like a prom photo. Ron gives Jen a bouquet of flowers that still has the grocery store price tag on it. C’mon, Ron, class it up.
Ooooh, this is something I didn’t think of before, how fucking shitty is it of Ronnie to go do a TV show when his gf is this pregnant? She’s like, practically a single mom. He’s missing everything. I guess he really DGAF anyway, but still. I’d be fucking furious about that alone. Like, if you knock me up and force me to both get fat and grow a parasite, you better be getting me KFC at 3am if I demand it. Jen, why are you okay with this?
Jen: My nationality is like 80% Great Britain.
Oh, cool, okay, it’s because she’s a genius.
Snooki: Do you speak Britain?
She will fit right in.
Jen does not comment on the fact that Ronnie has a doll of his ex-gf in the house, and I find that disappointing. Wouldn’t you be like, what the actual fuck is wrong with you? I feel like that is really fucking disturbing, but maybe I’m not a cool enough girlfriend. I would not allow my baby daddy to keep sex dolls of his ex around. Call me unreasonable.
So Jenni is talking about how intense it is that they’re doing family dinner with “an outsider” and all I can think about is how strangely bug-eyed she is because her skin is pulled sooooo tight. Or maybe it’s because her eye skin doesn’t move? Idk, Idk, she just keeps giving me crazy eyes and it’s unsettling.
Pauly D & Vin eating while everyone is waiting to pray is me at every family holiday function. The awkward conversation afterwards is also every family function until Grandma gets hammered and causes a scene involving her love of Trump and hatred of minorities. K, Jenni, that’s your cue.
Ron: Hey, this is awkward.
Jenni: So like, do you guys want to get married?
Ron: *visibly cringes*
Someone just out him already, I can’t take this anymore.
Jenni: Ron says he’d rather pay child support than alimony, so I want to know if Jen feels the same.
Jen would rather collect both child support and alimony, obviously. Why else would you fuck around with a D-list celebrity?
I never knew Mike and I had anything in common, but his professing his undying love for funfetti cake just speaks to me on a whole new level.
FUCKING JEN blasts Mike by calling him The Incarceration, and it’s like whoa bitch, you’re stepping around dynamite right now, this shit could blow at any moment. Don’t provoke the bear that will ruin your relationship. Well actually, the relationship has already been ruined, but she doesn’t know that yet. Tell her, tell her, tell her! Everyone here is an accomplice to the crime by hiding this from Jen. Is that how it works? Let’s ask Mike.
Mike: PASS THE FRENCH FRIES.
Very subtle, everyone, great work.
Ron: Mike better be careful, I whipped his ass once, I’ll do it again.
So like… does Ronnie just have selective memory for everything in his life? Ron, the wall whipped Mike’s ass, not you. He threw himself into a concrete wall. Technically, he whipped his own ass while you stood there. But okay, take credit. Hey, at this point, let’s just blame that on The Wind too.
Mike is complaining that Jen came for him, like well, what else would they talk about? Ron and Jen obviously have nothing to say to each other. Pauly suggests the group writes Jen a note, like I’m sorry, that would be genius and hilarious. Yet somehow I feel like Ronnie would be able to talk his way out of it again.
What could make the situation more comfortable for Jen? I know, let’s bring her pregnant ass to a strip club! Tbh, the strippers are just mostly naked and barely jiggling their asses, like honestly, this makes me reconsider stripper as a backup career, because they make so much money and most of them aren’t really doing anything. I definitely could not be one of the acrobatic strippers, though, that shit is insane. Like where do you even hire Cirque Du Soleil strippers? Bitches, go to Vegas with that kind of skill.
Vinny is straight-up trying to molest the strippers, like I’m sorry, is your girlfriend’s Instagram fame not enough for you now, Vin? Also, poor Jen, could anything be less fun than being super pregnant and sober at a strip club while your baby daddy ogles naked, skinny bitches?
Me as a stripper:
Ron: THERE’S BOOBIES AND ASS AND BOOBIES AND ASS AND ASS
Jen: So like, everyone is smoking and I’m pregnant. Does this mean anything to you?
Ron: FUCK HER, SHE MAKE ME GO HOME
Ronnie is saying it’s sooooo hard being loyal and in a relationship and a responsible adult. Likeeee…. you never had to do any of this. You could have wrapped your shit up, Pull Out King. Jen is trying to convince him that staying in with her for one night is fine. Shouldn’t he be excited to spend time with her after not seeing her for weeks? Like how is she okay with this? She is literally convincing him that her company is not that bad. You deserve better, Jen, #justiceforjen and #justiceforkhloe, for that matter, because I’m not over that shit either.
Mike carries Jenni directly to bed—I need this kind of service in my life. Then they bring up Vinny humping rando strippers and Vin is like, “What, I didn’t hump her, I just picked her up via her naked ass.” Idk dude, I don’t think that argument is going to help anything. Maybe it was The Wind again. So he decides to call the ~InstaModel~ and tell her. Can’t imagine this won’t go well.
Mike & Pauly in slow motion: Noooooooooooo!
Mike inducts Vinny into the IFF: I’m Fucked Foundation. Instamodel roasts him for being stupid. What’s wrong with you, Vin?
The crew is headed to the beach. Vinny says he loves “clean fun” as much as “dirty fun”, and I think he’s referring to the beach, but like, is he forgetting this is Miami and the water is brown? It’s def not clean. The girls are too ashamed of their mom bods (and yet somehow Deena too?) to go to the beach, are you fucking kidding me? Snooki, what have you become? You were the Queen of Poofs and DGAFs. Who gives a fuck what Us Weekly says? I highly doubt they say anything complimentary about you people regardless. It’s 2018, body shaming is out, guys.
The girls are sad because they actually really like Jen and it’s like Sam and Ron all over again. Yeah I mean, that’s what happens when you date a POS. This is a very poorly planned beach day, like it’s cloudy and sad out and no one even got a tan. The girls round up Jen to ride with them and so of course she asks about Ron.
Jen: Ron is the best!
Girls: He’s going to be a great dad!
Jen: He takes care of me!
Girls: He’s a good guy!
Jen: Has he been good?
That’s what you guys get for lying. They all kind of mutter “uh yep,” and Snooki very sarcastically says, “He’s been greaaaaaaaaaaaat!” but I don’t think Jen understands sarcasm so Ron is still safe.
Ron: TONIGHT I TAKE JEN TO NICE RESTAURANT HOPEFULLY IT WON’T SUCK BUT IT PROBS WILL
Why did Ron invite Jen to visit if he’s so disappointed by her presence? If she hadn’t already dumped his ass from watching previous episodes, she definitely would have by now. So Jen suggests getting in the Jacuzzi when they get back and I’m sorry, I know literally nothing about babies, and even I know you can’t use a Jacuzzi when you’re pregnant. Jen, you’re going to cook what little brain cells your kid has.
Ooh, what an interesting turn of events, she’s asking Ron if he’s used the Jacuzzi and what they did in it? Does Jen actually know something? That is weirdly very specific, like she’s been waiting to find a way to bring it up. Maybe not bring it up via threatening to cook your child, but v v interesting.
Ron: I NOT SURE IF JEN IS THE ONE BC SAM IS THE ONE
Like yeah, I would say if you’ve cheated and confessed your love to your ex, you’re probs not super into Jen. But that is just my expert opinion.
Back at the club, Pauly is following Vin around and announcing that he’s cheating. Way to keep him honest.
Vinny: I’m on thin ice for making a joke about saving a stripper.
What is wrong with men??? That is definitely NOT what the problem was. How is he this dense? Pauly takes a picture of Vin’s “Explanation Face” and is showing everyone his shame. Why is Vinny even in a relationship? He has never even mentioned the Instamodel and his mom still cooks for him. Vin is making his sad Explanation Face while once again getting reamed out by the Instamodel while wearing the iPad on a chain with his Explanation Face photo on it. It’s basically Inception at this point. Also? Why do you keep calling her, Vin? She obvi does not enjoy speaking to you. Maybe Vin should not try to fuck randos? Girlfriends tend to not like that.
Jen is leaving and asks Ron not to bring girls home anymore.
Women can be so unreasonable. Ron thinks it’s better for Jen to find out about his cheating on TV than by telling her. Yeah, that’s totally not humiliating. Great work, everyone.
Vin calls his mom and tells her he’s constantly in trouble with Instamodel and his mom literally is like, “don’t tell that bitch shit, outta sight outta mind.” She must be thrilled her son is dating someone whose only goals are to take pics of her own face.
Vin’s Mom: You can fuck other women as long as it’s not intentional.
Ronnie and Vin’s mom have very similar morals. Ronnie is saying he loves Jen but she’s ruining his life by not allowing him to fuck around. Sounds like true love to me. It’s what every woman dreams of. Fuck, now Ron is saying he barely knows her. Harsh. Now Ron is saying he didn’t even do anything, #mansplaining for the win. Pauly’s WTF face is all of us right now. Jenni is going for him, saying he’s the same person he was nine years ago.
Jenni: For Ron’s baby to be a month or two old when Jen finds out, she’ll kill him and bury him on her property.
Close Jenni, she actually just roasted him all over social media, but for someone as fame hungry as Ron, it’s basically social suicide. Can’t wait to see how the IFF club fucks up again next week!
Sam after realizing how close she was to this being her:
Images: Giphy (7)
Here we are, friends, Jersey Shore: Family Vacation episode 5. Did Ronnie fuck the Russian hooker? I’m going to say yes and he’s going to lie about it. He’s v v charming, and by charming, I mean repulsive lying pig, so his decisions will be in character.
Aw look, Pauly is Ron’s conscience. Except Pauly’s saying Ron “doesn’t want to do this”, and yet he very clearly does.
Ronnie still licking the hooker’s face: “We’re just taaaaaaaaaaaaaalking.”
Is Ronnie somehow unaware he is on camera? He literally just told the girl (as he’s walking her out) that “believe me, I wanted to finish.” Like, the fuck. You’re being recorded. Am I not being clear? YOU ARE BEING RECORDED. Your baby mama is going to watch this and unfortunately she’s stuck with you forever. Or like, at least the next 18 years. Don’t have children, people.
Ronnie is complaining that he isn’t ready for marriage or for relationships, like SPOILERS dude, you actually do not have to do these things. If you want to fuck around, do it. Just use protection and don’t tell someone you’re committed. Better yet, get a vasectomy. Is this somehow difficult to understand? What the fuck.
Ohhhhh my God, is this woman still with Ronnie? Is she? Particularly after tonight? He just cheated and now he’s talking shit that she’s not the one, he doesn’t love her, etc. Ronnie just admitted he wants to be with Sam. Jesus, take the wheel. Also? Btw? He isn’t with Sam because he cheated on her multiple times. So he was with who he is now saying is the love of his life and he still cheated. That means he’s just a piece of shit.
Jen, serious talk here. I know you’re Ronnie’s baby mama. I know you want help with this kid. But he is a fucking moron. Run, bitch, run. I should be a marital counselor. I cannot believe people are even this dumb.
Oh shit, I forgot about the girl who threw up on the couch. She’s still there and she’s still throwing up. Guess she didn’t make it to class. Should they like… alert someone?
Snooki: Let’s drink and watch the sunset!
I was like, what, how late did you guys sleep? BUT NO, she means sunrise. They are getting shitfaced at 8am. Go to bed, children. Oh. Oh nope. They’re going into the ocean. What better to do when you’re drunk besides drown and die?
Ronnie: I’m just going to cancel cable so Jen can’t see me confess my love to my ex-girlfriend who also hates me for cheating on her, and say I don’t love her, and say I wouldn’t be with her if I didn’t knock her up, or hookup with another girl solely because she was naked.
Cable is clearly the problem, you problem solver you.
Why does Jenni sound like an old lady smoker? Her entire aesthetic is very off. I can’t get used to it.
How, HOW are Snooks and Ron still standing? They look insane and they are now harassing children while so drunk and falling over. I really love Ron looking so miserable with his ridiculous party balloon hat. Now he’s looking pensively at the balloon hat. Can you just hear the producers? “Hey, look at the balloon hat like you’re contemplating your bleak future.” Just kidding, I’m sure they don’t say words with more than two syllables to Ron.
Sammi isn’t even here and somehow the entire season so far is still about Ronnie and Sam.
Weirdly enough, when Vin and Pauly talk about how bad Snooks and Ron smell when they roll in at noon, I actually already pictured how bad they smelled. They just look like they smell horrible. Let’s be real, Ronnie always kind of looks like that.
Ron: I’m calling Jen rn because I possibly disrespected her.
Okay, what happened to Ronnie calling Jen? Now he’s in the living room basically telling Yo Mama jokes to Mike. Guys, none of this is interesting, let’s get to the point.
This yacht is way too chic for Jersey guidos, like they’re supposed to be peeing on the floor of shitty clubs, not doing bougie shit. I don’t need to watch rich people being rich, I live in LA.
Deena: Vinny looks like a little petite girl.
HE FUCKING DOES, Deena! I forgot you were even here. Vin, I say this every time, but please start eating carbs again. You are sooo skinny and so tired looking. It’s like guido Edward Cullen.
Mike wants to propose to his gf because she’s stood by him through everything. He really should because I don’t know many girls who would let someone dump her to go on a TV show where he fucked a bunch of girls, become a drug addict, and then commit fraud, and maybe go to prison, and she still doesn’t think she can do better? Who did she turn down? The only woman sadder than this is Jen.
What I want to know is how did it take this long for the guys to realize that they are famous and are followed by paparazzi and fans and that people will be taking pictures? Obviously there are pictures of you groping Nipple Girl, Ron. Of course Jen is probably stalking the shit out of you. I’m actually a little proud that she’s ignoring his calls. She does have a little self-respect!
Ronnie: If it’s done, it sucks because we’ve put so much effort in. Like, I was putting in so much effort for her to not find out about my cheating. Or my love for Sam. It was just so much effort.
Mike: He shouldn’t have done the crime if he can’t do the time.
Mike: Oh fuck, I should not have said that.
Men taking responsibility for their FUCKING ACTIONS. It’s a thing, guys, look into it.
I love that Ronnie decided it’s probably over, so he might as well fuck someone tonight. Amazing. Amazing logic.
Sidenote, I do really enjoy calling Mike “The Incarceration” instead.
Oh fuck, The Incarceration’s gf Lauren is spilling the tea that there is an entire Instagram account dedicated to them at the clubs. There are videos of Ronnie grinding on Nipple Girl. Of course there are. People are so fucking savage, they are tagging Jen in the comments. I mean, she needs to know, you POS. These Instagrammers are doing the Lord’s work.
All of us rn:
Ronnie, you definitely earn your title as the President of the I Am Fucked Foundation. Quit doing stupid shit where you’ll obviously be caught. Here goes another week of Ronnie fucking something up. Let’s see what he fucks up next week.
We’ve made it to the third episode of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation, if you didn’t remember that last week was a back-to-back premiere. Thank god this isn’t two hours every week. Anyway. After being left on the tragic cliffhanger that tiny blowup doll Snooki may have lost her very obviously insured wedding ring and may go home because of it, we come back to Snooks sobbing. I mean, it’s day two and she’s already gotten so fucked up she can’t find her rings. Girl, me too. This is why I don’t buy nice things. That and the small detail that I somehow do not make millions from my own reality TV show so I can’t afford shit. Also? Snooki looks v strange crying with the new lips. Oh thank God, they found the ring so Snooki, who otherwise I’m so sure would have really turned down all the money and fame she gets from this show, is staying. Snooki assumes it is Jesus telling her to leave even though they found it. K. I mean, I just feel like Jesus would have better things to do, no?