Sooo we left off Jersey Shore Family Vacation with Jen joining them all to murder hang out with Ron. I mean, her attempt to kill him with her car failed so now she’s gonna hang out with his friends. Totes normal. Angelina is busy pretending she likes the Thumb Thumb she’s with. Vinny keeps saying he really likes Angelina’s fiancé. Sure dude. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
They decide to all split up, the guys having their own day and the girls having their own day. Ronnie, of course, is talking about himself and his baby, giving v thoughtful parenting advice to the other guys—who did not ask—such as, “don’t drop it.” God help that poor child.
Pauly is talking about his show that night and Mike and Vinny both specifically request shout-outs, which is kind of weird and sad. Vinny apparently just low-key “wants people to know he’s there”. K.
Back at the girls’ table, Generic Blonde Lauren is expressing how disappointed she is that they can’t get married in Italy because Mike can’t leave the country.
Jenni: Do you think he’s going to prison?
GBL: I mean like, you can’t worry about it.
Jenni: Soooo… yes?
I can’t feel bad for her. Like, it’s part of what you sign up for when you marry a felon.
At the boys’ table, Vinny asks Thumb Thumb why he likes Angelina. Idk Vinny, why do you like Angelina? I feel like he’s asking because he’s trying to seem like he doesn’t like her and it’s just making it more obvious.
The girls are talking about how this is Angelina’s third engagement. Three men have attempted to spend their lives with Angelina, she who sh*ts her pants and shows everyone her soiled panties on national television. But I’m single. Okay. Angelina is crying at the table because she has daddy issues.
Angelina: My dad was in and out of prison and only had me to get less prison time.
GBL: Nooo, I’m sure he loves you.
Ang: No, he told me that.
Awkward.
Meanwhile, Vinny is again bringing up Angelina to Thumb Thumb and asking again why he likes her. Vinny then proceeds to try to convince Thumb Thumb not to get married. Why do you care, Vin? Let it go.
Both groups are talking about Ron and psycho Jen. The girls are like, “their relationship isn’t healed from The Incident” (Cargate 2018). Jenni’s like, “yeah he’s not even physically healed from it.” I’m not even a therapist and I can tell you that if your significant other drags you with their car, your relationship probably isn’t doing well.
BTW, does anyone else think it’s super weird that Roger has not been discussed at all? I’m pretty sure this was filmed before Jenni announced her divorce, but like, everyone else has their partner and no one has even asked about Roger. It’s like Jenni told them not to discuss any of it on camera.
They’re getting ready for the show and Pauly is wearing the most hideous bedazzled shirt of Jesus. Why is bedazzled Jesus even an option? Ronnie goes to get Jen so everyone talks sh*t on him when he leaves. Jenni is basically like, “he’s desperate and sad and never will leave anyone.” Sammi left him after he kept cheating and Jen will have to do the same.
Ronnie: I wish they would see Jen the way I see Jen.
Like… from the ground as she’s dragging you with a car, or..?
Pauly wants someone to confront Jen but he also doesn’t want it to be him. They’re all so awkward.
Jenni: I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I say punch her in the face, but whatever. Wait, is Snooki not here? I don’t even remember what happened to her??? Like, she is just missing? Is this something that was previously explained that I forgot? She can’t just leave Jersey Shore.
Jen arrives and literally everyone is staring at her and not talking.
Vinny: I’m not gonna say anything to Jen because I don’t want Jen to kill me.
That is fair.
Jenni: Your mugshot looks hot.
So. F*cking. Awkward.
Now they’re all complimenting her mugshot. I mean I think she looks possessed by Satan, but okay.
Jen: It’s fine now, we’re in anger management.
“We”?? “We” do not need anger management. YOU need anger management.
Ronnie: She loves me and respects me.
Ronnie, I urge you to check out loveisrespect.org and then GET OUT.
Because Vinny is now obsessed with Angelina, he looks up how far his childhood home is to Angelina’s at the dinner table. It’s 1.3 miles apart. Vinny is a liar. Angelina also says he hung out with her and her friends in high school, which he denies until she starts listing their names. Pauly is in his other ear listing random Italian sounding names just to mix it up.
What feels like five years later, Vinny is still talking about Angelina. Now he’s saying that she really wants to bang him. It’s so weird because she hasn’t talked to him or about him at all, he’s literally the only one pressing it at this point.
Some random bald man who works for the hotel comes into their room. And it’s actually super rude, he knocks for a second and then just opens their door and comes in. You can’t do that, sir. It makes this all seem preplanned. He wants a word with Ronnie and Jen. What could they possibly have done now?
As they’re walking out, Jen goes: Is Planet Hollywood part of Caesar’s property? Uh oh.
Hotel Rep: So we didn’t know you were coming and obviously what happened in Vegas is an issue.
Ronnie: Harrah’s is part of Planet Hollywood and Jen was banned from Planet Hollywood after that fight.
Ron then lies to the group and says Jen forgot her ID and that was the reason for the hotel rep’s appearance. The rep didn’t kick her out—big mistake, huge—and gave them another chance.
Pauly does a VIP meet-and-greet before his event, and I cannot believe people pay for this. And they look so excited to meet him. The show starts and his creepy stalker Vanessa is in the crowd. If a guy calls you a stalker—multiple times no less—on TV, he’s just not that into you, Vanessa.
Vinny: Even Angelina is having a good time with me. I’m having a good time with Angelina.
Angelina is dancing with her boyfriend and Vinny is trying to dance with them. What is wrong with him? Someone needs to slap him. Angelina kisses Vinny’s cheek and Vinny is like, “it’s not me, it’s not me” to Thumb Thumb. Why is he trying to dance with her? All of this is weird. Angelina then grabs Vinny’s genitals.
Vinny: I think likes it. I think they want to take me home. I wouldn’t do that, though.
Then he giggles. I’ve never been more convinced that he would 100% do that.
Jen and Ron, shockingly, start arguing.
Vinny: And just like clockwork, Ron and Sam. I was about to say Sam. Jen. Are fighting.
Seriously, Ron should be forbidden to date. Ladies, stop dating him, please, God.
Mike: How are they arguing right now? It’s kind of like the Big Bang. Do you know how it started? No.
Mike, the scientist at work.
Ron to Jen: You’re yelling and fighting for no reason.
Jen: Take me home.
Ron: No.
They seem super fun.
Ron: Be my road dog right now.
I don’t know what that means??? Jen storms out. Pauly sees Ronnie chasing Jen out and announces to everyone, “Is Ronnie spiraling?” That’s amazing.
Jen to Ronnie: You’re on your own, bitch.
They seem so in love. Mike then rushes up to Pauly—while he is DJing, aka working because this is his job—and tells him the drama. Pauly then says to the entire crowd, “Shout-out to Single Ronnie in the building!”
I’m sure Jen will appreciate that. Now Ron is pouting in the corner.
Mike: Jen made the whole night about her and not the birthday celebrations. Her new nickname is The Inconsideration.
Vin and Pauly meet girls and bring them back. I wonder how Angelina will feel about this. A girl wheels in a dozen pizzas for them. Pauly brings pizza to Mike when he’s in bed with GBL, and GBL straight-up tells him no. But he leaves anyway to be with his true love, Pizza. Even Vinny cheats on keto and has a slice. Then these drunken assholes drop two pizzas facedown on the floor. That is straight-up blasphemous.
Pauly leaves to go to his next gig and it’s like, 4am. Vinny is left with two girls and he’s pouting because “it’s not fun” without Pauly. Ok…? Seems more like he just wants to be with Angelina.
Ronnie is complaining to Vinny about Jen, saying things about her bad attitude. I mean you didn’t dump her for hitting you with a car, so I don’t see how the attitude problem is relevant. I can feel Vinny’s annoyance with him. At this point I think Jen could stab Ron in the face and he’d still rather be with her than be alone.
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Tonight on Jersey Shore: Family Vacation episode 11, we left off with Jenni very carefully breaking up with Angelina. Still unclear why anyone invited her to stay in the house at all. Like Pauly, could you not have a prank where she shows up at the same bar as you? Then when you’re sick of her, you can just leave. This is exactly why I always host parties at bars instead of my home. If you let them into your house, people will never leave and then they touch my things.
Jenni: I want to get to know you more, but I also want you to go away forever.
Super fucking harsh Jen, especially because they’re in public. Like, you’re hoping to breakup with her in public so she won’t make a scene, obviously.
Angelina: I just wanted to be accepted by the group for eight years, even though they still don’t want me around.
Can you imagine wanting to be accepted by the Jersey Shore cast for eight fucking years? That’s a new low, even for you Ang. It’s killing me they’re all being like “oh, nostalgia, Angelina’s last night, we love you, wish she could have stayed.” You forced her to leave. It’s like those guys that dump you and are like, oh I wish we could be together. Like, that’s super weird, because we totally could be except, you don’t want me around.
The advice Angelina really needs right now:
Angelina wanted to go out with a bang, so to really secure her reputation on national TV, she shat herself in the cab. Great job, Angelina, I’m sure everyone will respect you now. This is obviously why they call her the Staten Island Dump.
Oh now Angelina’s saying it’s period shit. That isn’t a thing. I don’t think she knows how periods work. Also, must she keep talking about it? This is grossing me out.
Vin & Pauly: At least no one will ever find out! We’re not going to tell anyone!
Dying.
Mike, who really, has he been here AT ALL?, is shocked to find out that Ang shat herself, even though he’s been sitting there the entire fucking time. Oh good, to help the situation, Ang is now trying to show us her soiled fucking panties. I’m gagging. Get her out, get her out of the house, and burn her with fire, and possibly holy water.
Also. She’s trying to show her panties as proof she didn’t shit herself, but did she not immediately run to the bathroom when they got back to change said panties? Sooooo I’m not a fucking detective, but your evidence has been tampered with, bitch. Also, what the fuck kind of job is this that this is what I’m writing about right now? My parents are probs super proud. I have a $200,000 college degree and I write about whether The Dirty Hamster of Jersey Shore shat her pants or not. Changing lives.
Angelina: Everything was going so great besides the fact that they’re forcing me to leave, and now I ruined it because everyone thinks I shit my pants when I totally did.
Hate when that happens. I’m pretty sure they’re also repulsed by her for trying to force them to look inside her dirty panties. Like, that has got to be sexual harassment. I really like that Angelina then consults the Drunk Pants Shitting Expert of the house, Snooki. Angelina is crying because she’s embarrassed about the people in the house. Like. This is on national TV. It’s going to get so much worse.
Just when I thought I could not be more disgusted by Angelina, she wakes up with all her makeup still on. She does not take off her makeup or wash her face. Ohhhh and now, Angelina is trying to claim she doesn’t remember what happened. Classic.
Current Angelina to Last Night’s Angelina:
Angelina: I’m just really glad to show them how mature and classy I am now.
Yeah. That’s what we all got from this. Maybe next time you could bring Pampers.
Florida wasn’t enough of a vacation for our favorite guidos, so they all went to the Bahamas to really fuck shit up. Let’s hope that they all make an effort to be interesting for once—like I swear, you could cut half the cast off the show now and I wouldn’t even notice. Mike’s only storyline is that he eats, Deena’s is her crying over her relationship, Jenni’s entire personality is now wearing glasses, and Pauly is just kind of smiling in the background.
Me waiting for something to happen:
Meanwhile back in… Jersey… New York….? Idk, somewhere cold where Vinny is from, Vinny’s mom is freaking the fuck out that she can’t get ahold of him and wants to fly out to Miami just to check on him. What is like to be that loved? I could be dying in the hospital and my dad would still be like, “K, I’m really busy golfing right now, will you still be dying in about two hours?”
In the Bahamas, Mike is making lame excuses like the water in the Bahamas is too cold because he’s too embarrassed to take his shirt off. Apparently, The Situation no longer has an ab situation. Good thing we changed his name to The Incarceration. He also gives fellatio to a burrito as he hides his body.
Mike: I may be fat now, but I won’t be fat in late 2018.
Weird, that’s what I say too. Mike is now talking about his need to eat every two hours. Me tooooo. I love that the whole “eat small meals all day” thing is trendy right now. Except sometimes they end up giant, 900-calorie meals. But like. You gotta keep that metabolism stimulated. Mike has eaten chicken fingers, a burger, two orders of fries, brownies, cookies, and a cheese plate, and then promptly passed tf out. Right before dinner. Everyone is waiting for Mike for 45 minutes, and Jenni loses her fucking shit. This is exactly what happens to me when I’m hungry. I get real fucking mean if you try to keep me from eating, and God help you all if I’m also hot. Mike is now describing his stomach issues. Idk dude, maybe you shouldn’t eat everything in the world right before you go to dinner?
Mike:
Now Mike is talking about proposing because we already talked about eating, and he’s only allowed to discuss two topics on the show.
Mike: Now that I’ve found my cellmate…
Oh sorry, he said soulmate.
Back in Miami, Vinny’s parents (or wait is that his uncle?) are storming into the house and screaming, “WHAT THE FUCK,” in thick Italian accepts. Love them. Vin’s mom is stocking the fridge anyway.
Deena: I love the Bahamas but I didn’t learn to speak any bohemian.
Sometimes I really wonder whether they feed Deena the things she says. Mike is insulting Ronnie by calling him pasta or something. Ronnie responds by calling Mike fat and telling him not to drop the soap. And that he has love handles for his new boyfriend, Bubba. Mike then says Ronnie cries a lot. Mike’s insults are not great. The gang talks about how dirty the house is going to be when they get home and how they should hire a cleaning lady. Cut to Vinny’s mom scouring the entire house. Can I borrow her? Like, is she adopting? Uncle Nino is smoking a cigar by the pool in his speedo, loudly complaining about the “squishy room”. Vin’s mom is now cooking. Wtf. Where do you get moms like this? I grew up eating fucking Doritos for every meal.
The episode ends with Vinny being a Mama’s Boy as always, and tbh, I can’t blame him. Why the fuck is he even here with this kind of service?
In next week’s previews, Mike is apparently going to propose and Jenni wants to fuck it up. Finally, some excitement from that corner of the group that hasn’t done shit all season. You’re letting Ron, Vin, and Snooks carry the team, guys. Step it the fuck up.
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