Friends, we have trouble in paradise (or at least some bizarro trailer park version of paradise): TMZ is reporting that JWoww got a restraining order on estranged husband Roger Matthews (and kicked him out of the house) after an apparent altercation. Color me surprised to see the second drunkest Jersey Shore cast member appear in a story containing the phrases “estranged husband” and “restraining order.” Throw in some lotto scratch-offs, and you’ve got the white trash trifecta!
TMZ is light on details surrounding why JWoww got a restraining order, but we know for a fact that Roger did the worst thing possible: He used a sh*tload of Insta videos to plead his case where one video would probably suffice. I’d kick him out of the house for that, too. According to Roger, JWoww started the fight, getting “completely, uncontrollably emotional like she always does.” (He gaslights, too—this guy really does it all!) He says that he went home after the fight, only to be awakened by the cops. They informed him that he didn’t have to go home, but that he couldn’t stay there thanks to a newly minted restraining order. Rog picks things up from the back of his squad car escort:
There are like 50 more of these (like I said, what a prick!), eventually moving from the squad car to his friend’s couch. If what he says is true, it sounds like it got pretty nasty. Telling your kids (in front of their dad, no less) that you’re sorry you ever had children with him is extremely effed up!
As to what’s true and what isn’t, who knows? JWoww isn’t saying much. All I’ve seen is her latest Insta from an hour ago, which is clearly a statement from a lawyer or spokesperson:
“Any statements and social media posts depicting anything to the contrary are entirely false, misleading, and intentionally designed to cast Jenni in a negative light. She is proud to be a hardworking parent who provides for her children.” Ouch, JWoww. Way to hit a man right where it hurts!
What do I think? In one of his videos, Roger mentioned that he was there to see the kids since Jenni was leaving for work, “again.” My guess is that there was some dust-up over who brings home the bacon in this delightfully broken family. He bitched at her about always being on the road and ignoring the kids, and she shot back something about someone in the family having to work. Again, pure speculation, but we’re all thinking it. Or maybe I just watch too many movies.
The strangest part of this divorce and alleged altercation, to me, is that someone who made millions for being drunk and prone to conflict is exactly like that in real life!
Images: Shutterstock; rogermathewsnj, jwoww / Instagram
Buckle up, Jersey Whores, we have a double feature tonight. MTV is unaware that I have other sh*t to do besides watch three hours of these people and recap it. We left off with Vinny and Ang’s sexual tension leading to either smushing or murder. I don’t care which at this point, just let it end. We also saw in previews last week that Ronnie is going to resume his throne as King of Trash by once again cheating on Jen. She already tried to kill him, I don’t know why he continues to test her.
Vin and Ang scream at each other at the dinner table while Mike sits in the corner stuffing his face. He is definitely stress eating. The screaming ends eventually and they all go sit in awkward silence outside.
Mike: So Angelina, how does it feel to mess with a Bromitted man?
Vin (harsh maternal tone): MIKE.
Mike is so bored he’s trying to instigate sh*t, I don’t blame him. Then they go to bed. What kind of world is it where I’m relieved that Ronnie acts like scum? I need more entertainment than this.
Mike is going to do a burger challenge at Headliner’s. Vin and Pauly make jokes about how he’s been training for this moment.
Vin: He beat drugs, he beat alcohol, the only thing Mike has not beaten is the IRS.
I have bad news, guys.
Okay so this burger is 10 pounds and you have to finish it in 10 minutes. I could have totally done this in high school. If you can’t finish it in 10 minutes, you wouldn’t be able to do it anyway. Oh my God, it looks so disgusting. It’s huge and like 20 patties, bacon, onion rings, probably small children, etc. Ew. Vinny, Pauly, and Ron are all on one burger together to see if they can beat Mike. I mean honestly, this is insane for three people anyway. They’re all going to vomit and I cannot watch that kind of nasty. This is when they are informed that no one has ever beat the challenge.
Mike is eating way too slowly. He’s eating like one onion ring at a time. I wonder how many calories this monstrosity is. At the four minute mark, Mike begins cheering for himself and ignoring the task at hand. He is so slow. He’s barely eaten anything. He has 30 seconds left and he barely ate half of it. So lame.
Mike: I may have done better if there was Funfetti cake in it.
Well, that was a colossal waste of time. Vinny declares that there is a huge difference between The Spiral Squad and The Non-Spiral Squad. The Spiral Squad includes Ronnie, Angelina, and Snooki.
Vinny: Watching The Spiral Squad is like being at the zoo, watching the animals from behind the glass.
This is when The Spiral Squad gets an honorary member, Angelina’s trashy friend Lindsey. She has full on silver and black eye shadow up to her eyebrows. In the daytime. This is not even an acceptable evening look. Ronnie, of course, thinks she’s hot. Because she’s a woman. Or more likely to him, a hole.
Pauly: This girl is extra. She has extra makeup, extra outfit, extra hair.
They get home and Mike calls Generic Blonde Lauren that he f*cked up his diet. I mean he didn’t finish it, but he definitely probably ate six full burgers, which is disgusting. If Lauren is fine with Mike cheating, being addicted to drugs, going to prison for fraud, I doubt being fat is a deal-breaker.
Snooki is lying in bed with heels and sunglasses on and it is a mood. Pauly puts on his giant bedazzled Jesus necklace. Where do you even buy this? They start talking about how Angelina’s friend that is 85% eye shadow is known “in the streets” as Jewish Barbie, which I take huge offense to. We Jews know how to look presentable.
Mike: Ang, what do they call you in the streets?
Ang: The Staten Island Ferry.
Pauly makes a face that I swear is the emoji with the big eyes and straight mouth.
Legit Pauly rn:
Snooki then decides to start vomiting, which makes me furious because I thought we avoided this issue after the sandwich contest. I can’t listen to this. Jenni and Snooki are like, “why is this happening?” I mean IDK Snooks, it’s almost like you can’t take 14 shots in the middle of the day on an empty stomach when you’re in your 30’s. Sorry bitch, you’re old now.
Snooki: I might be pregnant, me and Jionni have been trying to have a baby.
Okay. WTF. Call CPS. If you’re trying to get pregnant why the f*ck are you drinking like this? Your kid already will have your idiot genes, give the poor thing a chance! Snooki rallies and they all go out anyway. Ronnie begins rage texting in the cab. Obviously it’s with Jen. They don’t even see each other and they still get in fights every two seconds, it’s truly an art form. Snooki decides she must be pregnant so Jenni and Snooks go to buy a pregnancy test.
They go back to Headliner’s and Trashy Jewish Barbie is there, still in her camo pajama shorts and matching sweatshirt. Did she even go home? Her shellacked on black and silver eye shadow is still holding up great though, what primer does she use? Ronnie is sitting in the corner, still grumpy texting.
Ron with his phone:
Ronnie: Jen is sending me pictures of my ex with her new boyfriend, saying that’s how happy I’m gonna be, and she’s so happy she’s not with you, and she’s gonna find another guy to take care of my daughter.
That is f*cking harsh. Is it Sammi? I hope it’s Sammi. Why doesn’t he just block her number when she does this? Who wants to talk to someone like that?
Meanwhile, Snooki is looking for pregnancy tests she can understand, ones that say “yes” or “no”, not lines or crosses. Back at the club, Ronnie finally puts his phone away and starts taking shots.
Vin: Uh oh.
Trashy Barbie is flirting with Pauly and puts a sticker of his face on her ass. I love that Pauly walks around with stickers of himself. I need to get to that level of extra. Snooki’s pregnancy test comes back negative. Shocking.
Snooki: I’m just old. And I can’t f*cking hang anymore.
Jenni: Join the 30’s club. You’ll start developing heartburn, you’ll start puking yourself.
Snooki is super disappointed that she’s not pregnant when she should be relieved that she hasn’t caused serious cognitive issues to her fetus from her drinking. Priorities, bitch. Pauly asks Trashy Barbie if she’s coming home with them. Vin offers up his bed. She’s sitting next to Ron. It really could go one of three ways. (Or all three? Ew.)
Snooki: Jewish Barbie is the hottest chick in this bar and all the boys want her.
That says a lot about the quality of this bar.
Ronnie jumps in the girls cab to intercept Trashy Barbie first and everyone is like, “Ooooooooooooooh.” Vinny and Pauly are both mad. Ronnie asks her to go swimming. Oh, here we go. Angelina, warn your friend! What kind of girl code is this? No one deserves to be subjected to Ronnie’s Tours (TM).
Angelina asks Trashy Barbie which of the guys she would F*ck, Marry, Kill, but she politely says “get rid of” instead of kill. Or maybe that’s what you call it in Jersey.
Immediately Trashy Barbie is like, “kill Mike, I hate that guy.” She would marry Pauly D (good call, he has the money). And she would f*ck… *drumroll*…. RONNIE, in a surprise twist. Except not really because they showed it already in the previews. Looks like that keto diet is for nothing, sorry Vin.
Ron is f*cked. He goes to sit next to TB and they flirt about pizza and the color blue while gazing into each other’s drunken eyes. Ang is just looking on in disgust.
TB: Are we gonna go in the Jacuzzi? You only live once.
Yes honey, but herpes is forever. The rest of the gang is all sitting together and judging as a collective group. Ronnie doesn’t bother putting his bathing suit on because, as Pauly astutely figures out, “it’s going to come off anyway.”
Ronnie: Listen, I’ve seen a lot of girls with bathing suits. I’ve seen a lot of girls without bathing suits. Another girl in a bathing suit is not tempting.
Why would you suggest getting in a hot tub with a random girl, drunk and alone, if it’s not to hookup? It just seems like a waste of time. TB goes to the full length mirror in her bikini and checks out her ass for a full five minutes in front of everyone. It’s funny how the group really doesn’t care because everyone hates Jen. They get in the pool.
Pauly: Ronnie, did you not see what happened to Ronnie after the last time? How dumb can you be? This girl is gonna drag him for another car ride.
Vinny is watching them through the curtains. She’s inching closer.
Vinny: They’re about to make a matzo ball soup in the hot tub.
Now all the guys are pressed up against the window.
Mike: It’s like a car crash.
Vin: They’re getting in the Jacuzzi!
Pauly: I thought they were in the Jacuzzi?
Vin: No they were in the pool.
Pauly: What’s the difference?
Vin: The Jacuzzi is ratchet time.
Vin is literally giving a play by play. He’s so mad this isn’t him right now.
Pauly asks Jenni and Snooki if they would consider this cheating if it was their significant others. Everyone is like, yeah no sh*t. Pauly says he wouldn’t even let Vin do this with another man. Jen is going to murder him. OH MY GOD, Jen then texts Jenni because she can’t get ahold of Ron.
Ang: What do you think he’s saying to right now?
Jenni: I am the president and CEO of the I’m F*cked Foundation.
Jenni makes a really bold and dangerous move and does not tell Jen anything. Jen is probs watching this right now so if we hear about Jenni and Ron both murdered tomorrow, I think I know who did it.
Jenni: Ron is going to have to change his name, his age, his nationality. He will have to be legit Puerto Rican Jesus in Puerto Rico.
Pauly: I can’t understand this man’s mind.
Vinny: This man is a legend. History books will be written about Savage Ronnie.
Snooki gets on her stomach to watch on the balcony. Everyone follows. Mike is eating a bowl of popcorn while he watches. This is amazing. Oh God, they get out of the hot tub. TB asks Ronnie for a shirt. She legit came here in pajamas, she does not need to be borrowing clothing. It’s on.
TB crawls in Ronnie’s bed.
Ronnie: There goes my life.
Bye Ron, it was nice knowing you.
Images: iEmoji.com; Giphy (3)
I honestly can’t even remember what happened last week on Jersey Shore Family Vacation, was it that uneventful? I vaguely remember the girls leaving while Pauly tried to commandeer a secret guy’s weekend that Mike almost ruined. Because he ruins everything. And J-Woww left early because she’s still mad about the f*cking Mother’s Day video. Anyway, we pick back up on Jersey Shore Family Vacation episode 7 in a not very surprising spot: Mike is stuffing his face and looking at himself in the mirror.
Mike: Thick is the new thin.
I mean true, but like, Mike, if I have to pretend to like kale and go to the gym, so do you. We all want to lie around and eat funfetti cake all the time but we don’t. It’s called being an adult. It sucks. You know what? Nevermind, f*ck this, let’s all get fat together and eat funfetti cake all the time.
Literally all I’ve wanted to do for my entire life:
Ronnie is ruining brunch as per usual by listing all the things he has to buy for his baby now that he and Jen are separating. Ron, just order this sh*t on Amazon Prime and shut the f*ck up. It’s taking longer for you to bore us to death by announcing every item than it would for one-click shipping.
Vin: We are having four guidos and a baby day. We want to go to Ron’s house and set everything up for the baby.
…Why are they trying to fight me? What did I do to deserve this kind of boredom? You guys used to be fun.
Ron makes a fat-shaming joke about Mike being pregnant (not cool Ron, it’s 2018), and Mike is all, “Whatever, it takes a real man to rock a dad bod.” Who’s going to tell him that his abs were his only redeeming quality?
Pauly: Since Donald Trump is president, any reality star can be president, so like, I should be president.
TBH, I would totally take President DJ Pauly D over Trump any day. What does that say about our country?
Ron fills in Pauly about Jenni leaving. Then we see Snooki driving to Jenni’s in Jersey. Oh, I swear to God, Jenni, if you f*cking mention that video again, I will cut you. Nicole is wearing MASSIVE fake eyelashes, which seem like a bit much for a fighting-with-a-friend-at-her-home kind of event.
Jenni: I left because I wasn’t into it and then you invited Angelina and then THE VIDEO…
Snooki: Why didn’t you call me and say it hurt your feelings that I wasn’t in the video?
Solid point, Snooki.
Jenni: But like how’s your new best friend?
So I guess hanging out with no one but children makes you a f*cking child yourself.
The guidos are shopping in the baby store. It’s all weird and sad.
Pauly to cashier: Do you have anything for when the dad cries more than the baby?
Scared cashier: Um. No.
Pauly then gets in trouble with her by putting a sticker of his own face over a baby’s face on a product. She makes him remove it so he sticks it on her back. It’s kind of funny.
So Jenni and Snooki are having a little b*tch fight where Jenni is saying she almost left without even telling her (not helping her case TBH), and Jenni is still complaining about Angelina. They just eventually give up and decide to let it go.
Jenni: It’s all about Namaste and hug that sh*t out and move on.
Okay Jenni, so let’s not EVER TALK ABOUT THE PASTA VIDEO AGAIN.
Jenni with this f*cking video:
So the guys go back to Ronnie’s house, where Jen has already moved out. Side note: Love how they keep dividing these scenes back and forth between the girls and guys because they are both sooo dull to sit through all at once. They walk in to find Ronnie’s huge TV smashed on the ground. Ron says he wasn’t even there for that rampage. They all go upstairs.
Pauly: Are we gonna do a reenactment?
Then they walk up what they refer to as the “famous staircase”. It’s the staircase where Jen was Instagram Live filming one of their fights.
Pauly: Ronnie’s hair looked terrible during that fight. I must have watched it four million times.
Mike: I actually don’t get starstruck by Ronnie’s stairs… you know what I’m saying?
They go upstairs and Jen has destroyed another TV. Like… why always the TVs? What did they ever do to you? The guys help Ron remove the damaged TVs. Naturally, the next step is to put the Baby Bjorn on Mike. He puts his bag of chips inside of it. He’s dancing with his chips. Oh my God, am I Mike? Is Mike me? I feel personally attacked.
They clean everything out and then they’re like, oh let’s eat.
Mike: Now you’re speaking my languages.
Mike, you can barely speak one language. Just stop.
The guys get ready to go out and I swear someone better cheat on their significant other because I am so over this baby stuff. Mike arrives wearing a yellow sweater.
Vin to Mike: Waddup, Curious George.
Why does Mike always wear pastel sweaters now? Is he auditioning to be a Chanel? Is this part of his “I Don’t Belong In Prison” scheme?
Ronnie pats himself on the back for keeping his temper the whole trip and everyone is like… is he… is he serious? He literally tried to fight some rando in the bathroom at the pool.
Pauly then announces that he and Vinny are having a bromitment ceremony. Where is Barney Stinson? We are really reaching for drama on this show. They legit pull up to a wedding chapel. They’re making Mike be the flower girl because he’s already dressed like one.
Wedding chapel person: Do you want to hear about our packages?
Pauly: I’m getting married because of his package if you know what I mean.
What is happening?
What am I watching?
What is happening to my life?
Pauly to Mike: Don’t eat the cake.
Mike helps Vin get ready and Ron helps Pauly.
Vin puts on a tiara and veil.
Vin: I look like a beekeeper.
Ron: This marriage is perfect, he’s white, you’re tan.
I have so many questions.
Vin to Mike: Don’t eat the cake.
Huh, maybe Vin and Pauly are meant to be.
Ron: This is the closest I’ve ever been to a wedding chapel in Vegas. It smells like regret.
Mike flower-girls down the aisle by throwing the flowers over his head. Vinny walks down the aisle.
Oh, they’re getting married by Elvis.
Pauly: I never pictured my bride to have a beard.
They show a montage of their friendship. Oh God, they have vows.
Pauly: Vinny. Ever since the moment you walked into that shore house. The second we worked together at the T-shirt shop. Before you had a beard. And I met your family in Staten Island. And I realized Staten Island was an actual island. I knew that it was gonna be you.
Vin: Pauly. We don’t look like we belong together. You’re orange, I’m pale. You have muscles, and I don’t. But at the end of the day, you’re the ying to my yang, and I want to do T-Shirt Time together for the rest of my life.
They do the rings.
Vin (in his interview): Don’t tell him I said this, but it’s a little gold ring, and the guy is covered with ice, like, get me some diamonds, bro.
They totally f*ck up the kiss and do a bro-y hug, complete with back pats so it’s not gay. (Seriously, why do men do this?) What did I just watch though?
Now Snooki is meeting up with Jenni and Angelina to work through their issues. Why don’t we just agree to stop inviting Angelina places? Problem solved. I’m getting another glass of wine to get through this. Snooki is giving Angelina advice on how to look classy while her hair looks like an insane Pomeranian.
Snooki: Remember how I invited you to Vegas so you could make up with Jenni?
Also Snooki: I don’t want to be in the middle of this.
Pauly is now molesting Vinny in bed while attempting to wake him up. Mike harasses Ron into being the first ones at the buffet. The woman working at the buffet says he’s been there so often, he’s like family. Mike and Ron are walking through the lines of the buffet and Mike is telling him every single dish.
Ron: How long have you worked here?
I assumed they were getting breakfast because they just woke up, but Mike is eating pasta, steak, mac and cheese, fried rice, and ice cream???
Since Mike and Ron are the only ones here and we already talked about food, obviously the only subject we can now discuss is Ron’s baby and baby mama. He says he hasn’t talked to Jen at all and it’s left to the lawyers now. Probs a good idea, considering she ran you over with her car for much less than this. Now that that topic is covered, we again go back to food.
Mike: I have to eat everything now because when I get home it’s back to the diet.
Ron: Will Lauren even recognize you?
Mike: She knows I hold my weight well.
Ugh, I wish I did. I look like Jack Skellington with a pot belly when I gain weight. Those PSLs are my true Nightmare Before Christmas.
Snooki calls Jenni and basically holds her to lunch with Angelina at gunpoint.
The boys are all looking at themselves and Mike is like, “damn boy you thicc”, to himself but like, he’s so thicc that Vinny can’t fit in the frame. They all go out to Drais, which Pauly claims is his “favorite” but I’m pretty sure it’s where his residency is, so it’s more like “pays his bills”.
They have a cabana with a hot tub and there are tons of girls in bikinis. Serious question: who wears a bikini to a nightclub? Like they obviously planned on going in the hot tub? It’s so weird.
Mike: What is this, a THOT tub?
Mike claims that all the girls are hitting on him. Somehow I doubt it, but sometimes people act weird and sad in order to get on TV, so it may be true.
Vin: They say it’s the thot that counts, but right now, I’m counting thots.
They’re bringing tons of girls home although the only people trying to hook up are Pauly and Vin. Why isn’t Ron? It’s like I don’t even know him now.
Pauly: We have a stripper pole in our shower.
Thot: Ooooh show me.
WTF, where do people like this exist?
ALSO, this girl walks through the whole hotel in nothing but her bikini. Like, you didn’t wear a cover-up over it at all? Don’t you have a purse? Or like… shoes? This floor is f*cking dirty!
Pauly leads the girl to the shower where she immediately takes her top off and starts dancing like a stripper. I’m beginning to suspect these women were paid.
Mike is horrified. He’s closing his eyes.
Mike: Asses are everywhere. Not today, Satan.
The thottiest thot walks up to Mike and says, verbatim, “wanna play?” confirming these girls were definitely paid. It’s like these guys are now so undesirable, the producers paid for strippers to make it seem like they could still smush like the good old days. Tragic.
The girls are twerking on everything and everyone. Again. Paiiiiid. Probs paid well. Mike orders burgers and fries that definitely look like they’re from In N Out. Except one girl has chicken nuggets??? They don’t sell those at In N Out.
One of the girls goes in and interrupts the smushing to give them burgers. Mike tries to go to sleep and some girl starts crawling all over Ronnie. (cough cough PAID.)
Pauly: This was the best trip ever, we had the Bromitment ceremony, Thotchella, and Four Guidos and a Baby.
That was like the last episode. Before that, nothing even happened except Jenni whined a lot and Jen tried to murder Ron.
I guess we’ll see next week when everyone is somehow back at The Shore??? Why is this happening?
Images: Giphy (7); MTV
What a year it’s been for the cast of Jersey Shore. First came their terrible one-night reunion special that literally nobody watched. Next, news of a revival broke. Now, Ronnie is going to be a dad. I can see it now: anytime Ronnie embarrasses his future kid, he’ll be met with a whiny “Rahhhhhn, stahpp!! You’re embarrassing me!” Now that I’ve said that, I cannot wait to follow this child on Instagram.
Ronnie revealed the news to UsWeekly, and he’s reportedly having a girl. And when I said you’ll never guess who the mom is, I meant it literally: it’s Jen Harley, some woman who apparently has been Ronnie’s girlfriend. (Not sorry for the clickbait.) Wait, I thought he was dating Khloé Kardashian’s friend Mallika? *checks Google* Oh okay, that ended in February. So sometime between last February and now, Ronnie started dating Jen. All I know about Jen is that her Instagram handle is “tater_tot_kitty” and she has atrocious grammar, two things which I deduced from spending a full 15 seconds on her Instagram. But I think that tells me all I really need to know.
Thank you to everyone who has been supportive with advice & encouragement. People keep saying becoming a parent is the part of life. I’ve been blessed enough to have SOO MANY best parts of my life #NotSureIfThatMakesSense I couldn’t be more excited to be taking this next step in my life! #IHearItsLikeHavingAPuppy #ExceptItCries #Talks #EventuallyDrives #EatsEvery2Hours #ShitsEvery23Mins #Naps40TimesADay #Needs4DifferentEducations #GoesToProm #YupICanSeeHowItsLikeHavingAPuppy #MyDogsPromNightWasTheBestDayOfMyLife #ThanksEveryoneWhoHasBeenSupportive #SpecialThanksToMyOtherHalf
Okay, first of all, Rahn stahpp with the hashtags. Like, this is just ridiculous. “#IHearItsLikeHavingAPuppy”? “ExceptItCries”? No. Cease and desist. This is all kinds of bad, and I don’t even have the time to get into it. First off, puppies cry—anyone with a dog will tell you that. Second off—no, I told myself I wouldn’t get into it. Please, Ronald, before you bring a child into the world and start teaching her social media, fix it.
Ronnie, if you’ll recall, will reportedly be filming Jersey Shore Family Reunion, so I wonder how that’s going to work with his girlfriend six months pregnant with his child. Definitely not stressful at all for her. What if this is like, the guido version of the Kardashians, and some MTV exec is making all the Jersey Shore castmembers get pregnant so they can raise the next generation of Jersey Shore? Just a thought.