‘Jersey Shore Family Vacation’ Recap: WTF Is A Chooch?

So, Jersey Shore Family Vacation is literally just my life now and I have no idea what’s even going on anymore. I feel like I’m back in high school in SAT class. Deena comments that she loves the house so far, citing things like she “got a good night’s sleep” and “has her space”. I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware I was watching a show about church camp, BUT GOOD FOR YOU. Maybe they’ll go swimming and exchange friendship bracelets.

Deena then corners Vinny and asks about the penis touching incident and told Vin it seems like he and Ang are a couple. #burn.

Then Snooki says she is throwing a 7-year-old style birthday party at the house which is both weird and f*cking annoying. Jenni is thrilled because she “throws these parties all the time”. Sounds super sick, guys. This is so much worse than friendship bracelets.

Pauly D: An adult themed party sounds like a porno party. Sometimes on my tour bus, we have adult parties.

F*cking ew. Can we work on getting some kind of STD testing sponsorship for Pauly’s DJ sets?

They are literally jumping at a bounce house. I’m half expecting Corinne Olympios, queen of naps and cheese pasta, to show up and try to molest someone in it.

Angelina shows us all how to use a giant hamster ball, as she is the dirty hamster expert here. Mike almost dies trying to use said hamster ball because he has obviously not been doing his cardio.

Burger King is catering this entire thing. I’m sorry, what the f*ck am I watching? I make up all kinds of excuses to avoid my friends’ kids’ birthday parties, and yet now I’m somehow being held hostage to watch sad grown adults have a kids party because they are trying to make “drama” for their show.

Vin completely lies about his diet and pretends this is the first time he’s had carbs. But hi Vin, those keto strips don’t lie. Then Mike lies too, claiming he hasn’t had BK in years. We literally have FOOTAGE of him and Jenni at Burger King post-rehab speech. Mike, we have the receipts.

Vinny is making up some game or “challenge” amongst himself where the losing option is to kiss Angelina’s feet. Yeah Vin, seems like you really don’t want to do that. He acts like he can’t lose because he’s so grossed out by Angelina. But again, he’s the one who came up with the feet kissing.

Vin: Hey, Angelina should kiss my feet, or I should kiss Angelina’s feet, but I hope that doesn’t happen because Angelina is gross. Haha. But like, can we still do the feet kissing?

Oh my God, I just noticed Vinny is wearing a shirt with the Instagram logo that says “Introverted”. I’m sorry, that is f*cking obnoxious. Get with the program, we all stopped bragging about being introverts in like, 2014 when Thought Catalog stopped being cool. Vinny wins and Angelina now has to kiss his feet, which I’m sure he’s thrilled about. This isn’t Ang’s worst Tuesday. She’s used to being disgusting. Vinny is so excited that Ang kissed his foot that he hugs her in gratitude. All of it is disturbing.

The girls and guys decide to separate for the night. Ang decides it’s going to be a classy night which means no swearing, napkins on laps, proper posture because she has scoliosis, and no bodily functions. Okay, let’s just replace her with someone who isn’t trash. The guys are going to the club and I’m way more excited for their drama. We finally get to see Single Ronnie at work. There is no talk about Single Jenni, and that’s a total bore. The girls go to a classy bistro for cheese and wine, and Angelina calls Jenni “a disgust” because she’s burping and whining that she’s fat. K.

The guys go to Jeni’s and Ronnie is like, “oh I haven’t been Single Ronnie in 15 years,” and it’s like, Ron, your best Single Ronnie was always when you had a girlfriend. The guys are horrified to find it’s country music night. The scene is lame so they eat ice cream cones in the corner. This is literally me at every bar. Then some sad sack comes up near their table and is pathetically dancing to himself and miming fake sobs. Oh my God, is doing The Ronnie? Is this a dance move now?

Vinny: Don’t lock eyes with him, OMG he’s seducing me, OMG I’m in love, JUST KIDDING.

I don’t believe any “just kidding” of Vin’s anymore, I guarantee he will sleep with this man. This guy is just staring at them dancing with a chair. Mike is overall pleased with boy’s night, as he’s had a chance to gorge himself. Single Ronnie is completely lame when he’s not cheating on anyone. Really takes the fun out of it.

The girls are drunk and Snooki literally pours the rest of their bottle of wine into an empty Gatorade bottle in her purse. If that doesn’t say class, I don’t know what does. Jenni comments that they are all really polished tonight, like a “polished turd.” I almost completely stopped listening but then as they are leaving, some old-ass man calls Deena FAT. Deena is f*cking pregnant, not okay dude. But the plot thickens. Apparently, as the crew walked by, what he actually said was, “every girl is fat.” Holyyy shit. Do you not remember what happened the last time some rando called a Jersey Shore lady fat? Here, I’ll remind you:

I’ve seen Jenni IRL and let me tell you, aside from her boobs that are larger than my head, she is tiny. Jenni and Snooks stalk back into the bar. Jenni is all, “Did you call a PREGNANT girl fat?!” And calls him a b*tch. And points in his face and is like “THIS IS WHAT’S WRONG WITH AMERICA!” Then the guy calls Jenni a b*tch.

BUT THEN. They walk away. I’m soooo disappointed. In the good old days, Jenni would have legit punched him in the face (see above). Quit this maturity thing, I like to watch trash TV for the possibility of assault charges! What is this sh*t?

Okay, the guys are still sitting at the table with their little dancer man. He finally asks for a picture with them. He danced for three hours for a photo. Then he walks away. Vin feels abused by the fact that he only wanted a picture.

The guys leave to get funnel cake. The girls go to bed. I don’t want to old-shame, but like, guys, it may be time for you to move on from Jersey Shore. These are not the guidos I know and love. Like, you guys got ice cream and went to bed. I don’t need to waste my life watching TV about this; it’s what I do regularly.

Since carbs found Vinny, he is now going HAM and cannot stop himself. Pauly calls him a cheater and makes him wear an iPad on a gold chain with a photo of himself eating carbs. They just have these things at their disposal just in case.

A whole day goes by with nothing eventful to show (shocking) and the gang all goes to dinner together. Vinny so ~randomly~ runs into his cousins at the restaurant. But guess what? Turns out, the cousin’s friend is THAT MOTHERF*CKER that called the girls fat last night at the same restaurant! I’m sorry, are there only like three restaurants in all of Jersey??? How did this happen? Vinny, are you seriously related to these POSes?

Ronnie: I’m going to play with my foot up his ass.

Weird flex, but okay.

Okay, so they’re showing this guy’s face which means he had to sign a release for filming, right? Seems like this is fake but oh well. Then the Fat-Shamer himself walks by Mike, and is like, “oh Mike? We have a mutual friend!” And Mike f*cking shakes his hand.

The girls are like, “why the f*ck are you shaking his hand?” And Pauly goes, “Get out of my table chooch!” (Wtf is a chooch?)

According to Urban Dictionary: chooch
The term is derived from the Italian word “ciuccio” and means jackass, dummy, idiot, or moron. A chooch is a person, who against better judgment, acts inappropriately.

The Fat-Shamer denies the fat-shaming. I’m sorry, HI, this is all FILMED. Ronnie is just sitting, eating and ignoring. Vin calls him a “doo-da-doo” which is apparently a loser. Why do all of their insults sound like they are from a fifth-grade playground? The guy retreats and Angelina realizes she knows one of the girls he’s with. Of course she does. The girl is a stripper and hates Ang. I also hate Ang so I can’t blame her there. They all go upstairs to the lounge club area and Jenni is wearing a cardigan and glasses like, why does she want to fight me?

The Fat-Shamer goes up to them and gives them the finger. Pauly jumps up and gets in his face, the first man to step up and defend the women, THANK YOU Pauly! It’s a lot of “WHAT’S UP MY GUY” before his security intervenes. Pauly’s “GUY” gets removed by security and the crowd chants Pauly’s name. It’s like every bullied kid in middle school’s dream. Also, it’s probably pretty easy to stand up to people when you’re surrounded by private security, just saying.

Ronnie misses everything because he’s once again destroying a toilet and runs into THE GUY outside the bathroom. The Guy compliments his man jewelry and tells him he has more money than him. They start bickering. C’mon, Ron, handle this. Make me hate you slightly less.

The Guy is like “I only call fat chicks fat”, which is OFFENSIVE, RON, but then he starts calling Ron “baby”, and this took a weird turn. And then Ron is all, “I’m not your baby”. And The Guy touches Ron’s chain. Ron is like, “OKAY LET’S GO!”

Ron: He’s wearing fake ass GIVE-INCH-EEE.

Referring to The Guy’s Givenchy shirt. Which is pronounced jee-von-shee, BTW. If you’re going to make fun of someone’s designer shirt, you have to know how to correctly say it.

The Guy: Come to my yacht parties and I’ll show you who gets paid. But like, will you come to my yacht parties???

???? Is this an insult or an invite? Jesus, fix it. Ronnie goes on a Ronpage and grabs all his security to go meet the guy for fighting purposes. Then the trashy stripper girl starts hounding Angelina. Classic Ang is all “f*ck you bitch, stripper bitch, ugly titties”. The guy never comes back—he literally let his GF fight for him? Then the stripper JUMPS the fence and security carries her out.

Unfortunately, this is also when MTV decides to cut the episode. Okay, finally I want to watch something about this show and it just ends?? Whatever, until next week.

Images: Giphy (2); MTV (1)

‘Jersey Shore: Family Vacation’ Recap: The Staten Island Dump Lives Up To Her Name

Tonight on Jersey Shore: Family Vacation episode 11, we left off with Jenni very carefully breaking up with Angelina. Still unclear why anyone invited her to stay in the house at all. Like Pauly, could you not have a prank where she shows up at the same bar as you? Then when you’re sick of her, you can just leave. This is exactly why I always host parties at bars instead of my home. If you let them into your house, people will never leave and then they touch my things.

Jenni: I want to get to know you more, but I also want you to go away forever.

Super fucking harsh Jen, especially because they’re in public. Like, you’re hoping to breakup with her in public so she won’t make a scene, obviously.

Angelina: I just wanted to be accepted by the group for eight years, even though they still don’t want me around.

Can you imagine wanting to be accepted by the Jersey Shore cast for eight fucking years? That’s a new low, even for you Ang. It’s killing me they’re all being like “oh, nostalgia, Angelina’s last night, we love you, wish she could have stayed.” You forced her to leave. It’s like those guys that dump you and are like, oh I wish we could be together. Like, that’s super weird, because we totally could be except, you don’t want me around.

The advice Angelina really needs right now:

Angelina wanted to go out with a bang, so to really secure her reputation on national TV, she shat herself in the cab. Great job, Angelina, I’m sure everyone will respect you now. This is obviously why they call her the Staten Island Dump.

Oh now Angelina’s saying it’s period shit. That isn’t a thing. I don’t think she knows how periods work. Also, must she keep talking about it? This is grossing me out.

Vin & Pauly: At least no one will ever find out! We’re not going to tell anyone!


Mike, who really, has he been here AT ALL?, is shocked to find out that Ang shat herself, even though he’s been sitting there the entire fucking time. Oh good, to help the situation, Ang is now trying to show us  her soiled fucking panties. I’m gagging. Get her out, get her out of the house, and burn her with fire, and possibly holy water.

Also. She’s trying to show her panties as proof she didn’t shit herself, but did she not immediately run to the bathroom when they got back to change said panties? Sooooo I’m not a fucking detective, but your evidence has been tampered with, bitch. Also, what the fuck kind of job is this that this is what I’m writing about right now? My parents are probs super proud. I have a $200,000 college degree and I write about whether The Dirty Hamster of Jersey Shore shat her pants or not. Changing lives.

Angelina: Everything was going so great besides the fact that they’re forcing me to leave, and now I ruined it because everyone thinks I shit my pants when I totally did.

Hate when that happens. I’m pretty sure they’re also repulsed by her for trying to force them to look inside her dirty panties. Like, that has got to be sexual harassment. I really like that Angelina then consults the Drunk Pants Shitting Expert of the house, Snooki. Angelina is crying because she’s embarrassed about the people in the house. Like. This is on national TV. It’s going to get so much worse.

Just when I thought I could not be more disgusted by Angelina, she wakes up with all her makeup still on. She does not take off her makeup or wash her face. Ohhhh and now, Angelina is trying to claim she doesn’t remember what happened. Classic.

Current Angelina to Last Night’s Angelina:

Angelina: I’m just really glad to show them how mature and classy I am now.

Yeah. That’s what we all got from this. Maybe next time you could bring Pampers.

Florida wasn’t enough of a vacation for our favorite guidos, so they all went to the Bahamas to really fuck shit up. Let’s hope that they all make an effort to be interesting for once—like I swear, you could cut half the cast off the show now and I wouldn’t even notice. Mike’s only storyline is that he eats, Deena’s is her crying over her relationship, Jenni’s entire personality is now wearing glasses, and Pauly is just kind of smiling in the background.

Me waiting for something to happen:

Meanwhile back in… Jersey… New York….? Idk, somewhere cold where Vinny is from, Vinny’s mom is freaking the fuck out that she can’t get ahold of him and wants to fly out to Miami just to check on him. What is like to be that loved? I could be dying in the hospital and my dad would still be like, “K, I’m really busy golfing right now, will you still be dying in about two hours?”

In the Bahamas, Mike is making lame excuses like the water in the Bahamas is too cold because he’s too embarrassed to take his shirt off. Apparently, The Situation no longer has an ab situation. Good thing we changed his name to The Incarceration. He also gives fellatio to a burrito as he hides his body.

Mike: I may be fat now, but I won’t be fat in late 2018.

Weird, that’s what I say too. Mike is now talking about his need to eat every two hours. Me tooooo. I love that the whole “eat small meals all day” thing is trendy right now. Except sometimes they end up giant, 900-calorie meals. But like. You gotta keep that metabolism stimulated. Mike has eaten chicken fingers, a burger, two orders of fries, brownies, cookies, and a cheese plate, and then promptly passed tf out. Right before dinner. Everyone is waiting for Mike for 45 minutes, and Jenni loses her fucking shit. This is exactly what happens to me when I’m hungry. I get real fucking mean if you try to keep me from eating, and God help you all if I’m also hot. Mike is now describing his stomach issues. Idk dude, maybe you shouldn’t eat everything in the world right before you go to dinner?


Now Mike is talking about proposing because we already talked about eating, and he’s only allowed to discuss two topics on the show.

Mike: Now that I’ve found my cellmate…

Oh sorry, he said soulmate.

Back in Miami, Vinny’s parents (or wait is that his uncle?) are storming into the house and screaming, “WHAT THE FUCK,” in thick Italian accepts. Love them. Vin’s mom is stocking the fridge anyway.

Deena: I love the Bahamas but I didn’t learn to speak any bohemian.

Sometimes I really wonder whether they feed Deena the things she says. Mike is insulting Ronnie by calling him pasta or something. Ronnie responds by calling Mike fat and telling him not to drop the soap. And that he has love handles for his new boyfriend, Bubba. Mike then says Ronnie cries a lot. Mike’s insults are not great. The gang talks about how dirty the house is going to be when they get home and how they should hire a cleaning lady. Cut to Vinny’s mom scouring the entire house. Can I borrow her? Like, is she adopting? Uncle Nino is smoking a cigar by the pool in his speedo, loudly complaining about the “squishy room”. Vin’s mom is now cooking. Wtf. Where do you get moms like this? I grew up eating fucking Doritos for every meal.

The episode ends with Vinny being a Mama’s Boy as always, and tbh, I can’t blame him. Why the fuck is he even here with this kind of service?

In next week’s previews, Mike is apparently going to propose and Jenni wants to fuck it up. Finally, some excitement from that corner of the group that hasn’t done shit all season. You’re letting Ron, Vin, and Snooks carry the team, guys. Step it the fuck up.

Images: Giphy (6)