So in the interest of full disclosure, my favorite breakup movie ever is the work of Jenny McCarthy. It’s called Dirty Love and it’s absolutely trash. And I love it, I really do. I make everyone I know watch it. And it was written by and stars Jenny. It’s one of the funniest movies ever, especially if you’re going through a breakup. However, Jenny then decided to ruin my love for her by becoming a very vocal, dumbass anti-vaxxer. Guys, I love Dirty Love, but I’m pretty certain that bitch is not a doctor. The Playboy Mansion doesn’t even have a medical school. If she’s who you consult for medical advice, I’m surprised you’re literate enough to even read this article. So, because Jenny has taken it upon herself to single-handedly contribute to spreading the black plague amongst us all, it’s really my civic duty to roast her for her egregious Facetune use.
Jenny, you think making fun of plastic surgery and photo editing is bad? Try having smallpox.
In addition to spreading medical lies to the general public, Jenny also enjoys spreading lies about her face. More specifically, what it looks like. I have to be honest. When I saw her at the Emmys, I did not recognize her. Her face has had a lot of bad sh*t done to it. I don’t understand this about celebrities. They think having a plastic surgeon butcher their face will make a 50-year-old woman look 20 again, which is super weird because that’s literally never happened. What instead happens is that you look like you’ve had a LOT OF WORK DONE. Which isn’t really impressive/attractive to anyone. Who are these surgeons? They need to calm down.
However, Jenny knows how to work Facetune, because when she posted the below photo, it really did look like she always looked (and very much in her 20s-30s):
BUT THEN. Unfortunately for Jenny, I was like, uh no, I’m looking at you on the TV right now, and that is not what you look like.
So I found receipts.
And I mean, right? Is that even the same person? And to make it worse, I made a GIF. Which did require flipping the image, but you get the point.
It’s fun because it looks like the second image is the mother of the first girl. Except with a surgically butchered nose, blowup doll lips, and what can only be described as a SHIT-TON of makeup. Guys? It’s fine to age gracefully. Smacking an entire container of Giorgio Armani Luminous Silk Foundation up on those fine lines make them look a million times worse. Stop it.
So here’s the shortlist on what Jenny adjusted on her personal photo: she swapped out her nose for one of the very popular Generic Facetune Noses, which I honestly don’t blame her for, because her actual nose looks like it went to see Michael Jackson’s surgeon. She made her eyes/eyebrows way bigger. The jawline was made smoother/soft. She gave herself a tan. Those are also Generic Facetune Lips. And she airbrushed and changed the color of her entire face so that there are no lines, no shadows (aside from cheekbones—which also were edited in), no skin texture. I mean, look at her neck. In an effort to remove what I’ll politely refer to as an old lady turkey neck, she created a smoothed plastic neck devoid of any and all light. It’s especially strange when you compare it to the skin on her chest, which actually has texture and clearly years of tanning bed and sun damage.
So there you have it. Jenny lies about lots of things, not just medical stuff that endangers the lives of millions of people. Also? The plastic surgery is very aging. Maybe don’t do so much of that, and then you won’t need to Facetune. Jenny honestly looks older than Christina Applegate, who Jenny just shaded her at the Emmys, saying she wanted to be Christina when she grew up. They’re basically the same age. Who is even hiring Jenny to do interviews anymore? I thought we agreed to stop supporting anti-vaxxers after I threw out all my Kat Von D makeup?
In short, don’t Facetune, don’t get a ton of plastic surgery, don’t spread bullshit medical information, and don’t come for Christina Applegate.
Do you still like Jenny McCarthy? Did you think she looked totally different? Did you recognize the Facetune in her Instagram post? What other celebrities have butchered their faces recently? Let me know in the comments!
Images: Getty Images; jennymccarthy / Instagram; Giphy
The Emmys are to award shows what your cousin who you used to be close with in high school but now have nothing in common with is to your family. Now imagine that cousin is having a birthday party, and you have the Emmys. The Emmys happen much later in the year than all the other award shows, so by the time September rolls around you’ve all but blocked red carpets and drawn-out presentations out of your memory. And, they occur during Sunday football, no less. Even though there have been many good times in the past, you don’t exactly want to give up an afternoon that will segue into an evening of drinking for it? Not really.
This year’s Emmys lacked a host, a decision that proved to be wise for the Oscars but not so much for the Emmys. In place of a host, they had a few notable presenters that should have filled that role, like Bryan Cranston and Jimmy Kimmel. Thomas Lennon did give a bunch of deadpan voice-overs. He had one good joke about Felicity Huffman being in prison, (anyone remember when she won an Emmy in 2005? No? Neither does she), but other than that kind of fell flat. And that’s a quote you can repeat verbatim at your office water cooler, because I know you didn’t watch the Emmys last night! Here’s what else you missed, that you can also just say with a healthy degree of conviction to convince people you actually sat at home watching a three-hour-plus commercial for The Masked Singer.
Michelle Williams’ Speech
Instagram erupted almost immediately after Michelle Williams accepted her Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Limited Series or Movie, because she gave a speech that is going to be hailed by white feminists everywhere for the next seven years. Williams apparently was paid as much as Sam Rockwell for her part in Fosse/Verdon, which is great, even if the fact that a woman earning as much as her male co-star is considered commendable is pretty bleak. In her speech, Williams thanked FX and Fox 21 studios for paying her equally and listening to a number of her other demands, such as more dance lessons and a different wig. She closed her speech with this: “The next time a woman, and especially a woman of color—because she stands to make 52 cents on the dollar compared to her white, male counterpart—tells you what she needs in order to do her job, listen to her. Believe her, because one day she might stand in front of you and say thank you for allowing to succeed because of her workplace environment and not in spite of it.” I applaud Michelle for acknowledging her privilege and bringing to light the fact that the pay gap is even wider for women of color. That said, it’s sad that we have to sit here and publicly applaud studio execs for… *checks notes* … shelling out a few bucks for better costumes? Doing their jobs? I don’t know if you guys have heard about this, but apparently working in Hollywood is pretty sh*tty.
Natasha Lyonne Can’t Clap
Nicole Kidman can finally rest easy after this gif of Natasha Lyonne clapping surfaced on Twitter.
In case you need a refresher, here was what Nicole Kidman called applause at the Oscars:
Guys, WHAT?? Are people in Hollywood so unaccustomed to expressing joy or congratulations for other people that they never learned how to clap? It’s not hard, you guys! Your fingers need to touch, and you need to do it with enough force so that you actually make a sound and aren’t just touching your fingertips to each other like Mr. Burns.
The Emmys Spoiled ‘Game Of Thrones’
Game of Thrones won Outstanding Drama, but didn’t win nearly as many awards as people thought. (It still won 12, though, just to give you a picture of how entitled GoT fans are.) But people on Twitter were even more pissed when the Emmys farewell montage was broadcast, which apparently “spoiled” the last season of GoT. To be fair, it did show (SPOILER ALERT) clips like Arya killing the Night King, but need I remind you that this sh*t aired in MAY?? You get like, a week max to claim spoilers. I have no sympathy for anyone who is mad at the goddamn Emmys for “spoiling” a highly publicized final season that happened nearly six months ago. Like, you don’t get to procrastinate a paper and then get mad at your professor for failing you an entire semester after you were supposed to turn it in.
Jenny McCarthy Bombed On The Red (Purple) Carpet
As we discussed in our fashion recap, Jenny McCarthy showed up looking like a mess, and also acting like one. Someone gave her a red carpet hosting gig, someone who has probably since lost their job. At one point, Jenny talked to Christina Applegate about growing up watching her and wanting to be her. The funny thing about Christina is that she’s… one whole year older than Jenny McCarthy. Jenny asked Christina what it felt like to get nominated for her first lead actress nomination… when it was actually her third. She also asked Julia Louis Dreyfus to do the Elaine dance and she just said no and walked away. But not to worry, I’m sure Jenny has an essential oil to help her deal with the embarrassment!
Billy Porter Made History
In addition to another show-stopping outfit (Billy’s stylist can do no wrong at this point), Billy Porter made history when he became the first openly gay, black actor to win outstanding actor in a drama for his role in Pose. He quoted James Baldwin in his acceptance speech, saying, “It took many years of vomiting up all the filth I’d been taught about myself, and half-believed before I was able to walk on the earth as though I had a right to be here.” In completely unrelated news, I am crying at my desk right now. He is now one award away from an EGOT—he’s just missing an Oscar. No biggie, that’s the easy one!
Kim Kardashian and Kendall Jenner Got Laughed At
While Khloé was at home live tweeting KUWTK (rough, maybe next year), Kim and Kendall presented at the Emmys for Outstanding Reality TV Series. Kendall said, “Our family knows first-hand how truly compelling television comes from real people, just being themselves, telling their stories, unfiltered and unscripted.” Everyone laughed. And while I think the irony is funny, I don’t think it’s completely fair to say that KUWTK is scripted. Sure, every move they make is heavily orchestrated by Kris Jenner. Is the show real? About as real as their faces. But can we honestly say it’s scripted when Kendall Jenner surely is incapable of reading, much less off a script?
Jharrel Jerome Paid Tribute To The Exonerated Central Park Five
Jharrel Jerome won Outstanding Lead Actor in a Limited Series for his role in Netflix’s When They See Us, a miniseries directed by Ava DuVernay about the Central Park Five, five children who were pressured into falsely confessing for an assault they did not commit. At only 21 years old, Jerome is the youngest actor to win Lead Actor in a Limited Series (I was still perfecting my Jell-O shot recipe at age 21, but cool), and he’s the first Afro-Latino actor to be nominated for and win an acting category. He dedicated his award to the Exonerated Five, and it was one of the most moving moments of the night.
‘Fleabag’ Cleaned Up
In a pretty major upset (to Game of Thrones fans, can you tell I don’t watch??) Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Fleabag, the Amazon Original she wrote, directed, and starred in, won a bunch of awards. Waller-Bridge won for Outstanding Comedy Series and Lead Actress, so okay I guess I really need to get my roommate’s brother’s Amazon Prime password so I can finally watch it!
Other memorable moments included Patricia Arquette’s acceptance speech, which urged for Hollywood to employ trans people and paid tribute to her late sister, Alexis. The DJ was really weird and chose inappropriate music choices—Florence and the Machine was played twice, and Chernobyl’s win was accompanied by “Feelin’ Good” and “Shake it Off”. I don’t know, I feel like a nuclear accident is kind of hard to shake off. Alex Borstein, who won for her role in Marvelous Mrs. Maizel, gave a speech about her grandmother who survived the Holocaust and somehow managed to tie it into female empowerment. You love to see it.
Overall, the Emmys seemed a little lost without a host, and although we got some history-making wins, the awards were still overwhelmingly white. If you took away one thing from last night’s Emmys, it was probably that The Masked Singer airs Wednesday, October 2nd at 8pm, only on Fox!!
Images: Getty Images; Giphy
The odds of being a famous superstar are like, one in a million. Trust me, my own parents would kindly remind me of this every day back in grade school when I would try to sing Hilary Duff singles for them in the car. But that being said, it’s crazy to imagine that any given family could be so blessed as to have TWO superstars among them. Like, I just need one succcessful person in my family to hook it up here and there when I want to go to a cool party or something, I don’t need to be a Cyrus or anything. Anyway, here’s a list of celebrities that are related, but that you probably didn’t know are related. Some of these pairings you may have had no clue about, while others you may just have never taken a minute to stop and make the connection. Either way, now you have a few fun facts to bring up to your coworkers and completely derail your next meeting with, so you’re welcome!
Lily Allen & Alfie Allen
I’m not the biggest music connoisseur. I only know Lily Allen from her famous single, “Smile” which was a classic high school jam. In a seemingly random pairing, she is apparently siblings with Aflie Allen, who you may better know as Theon Greyjoy from Game of Thrones. But wait! The plot thickens! And no, not because I’m about to tell you their father is actually Tim Allen, that’d be great. But no, it thickens because Lily Allen actually has a song called “Alfie”. Uh, are you guys confused? Because I am. I don’t know about you, and I’m not a famous singer-songerwriter, but personally, I wouldn’t write a song about my brother. It just seems kind of weird. But I guess I’m not here to judge, I’m just here to let you know about the fact that they are siblings.
Snoop Dogg & Brandy…& Ray J?
Uhm, yeah, like that’s a lot to digest. Not necessarily because I didn’t know Snoop Dogg and Brandy are cousins, but because I just found out that Brandy and Ray J are siblings. Fine, I recognize I’m probably behind the times with this one. Honestly, what’s probably even more shocking than that is the fact that I’m even mentioning the name Ray J in 2019. And now I just can’t help but wonder, what does Snoop think of Ray J and Kim’s sex tape??? Has he seen it? I mean, I feel like he’s had to have gotten high at some point and gotten curious. What does he think of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s marriage? I need someone to conduct a very intensive interview with Snoop Dogg about all things Kardashian related.
Al Roker & Lenny Kravitz
Okay, this one is silly. Yes, you read that correctly. Al Roker of, “that’s what’s happening around the country, here’s what’s happening in your neck of the woods” is related to rock ‘n’ roll legend Lenny Kravitz. Okay, so they’re not like directly related per se. It’s like, you have your cousins, then you have your first cousins, and then you have your second cousins…and then you have that situation when your grandfathers are cousins, which is the deal with these two. I’m not a family tree expert and I don’t know what that actually makes them. Any genealogists, feel free to chime in and educate me in the comments! Still, I think that my life has been enhanced by knowing Al Roker and Lenny Kravitz are distantly related, and not just because I can bring it up as a fun fact at parties. But, okay, I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t a big part of it.
Jenny McCarthy & Melissa McCarthy
I feel like this one should be obvious but like, it’s not. Or maybe I’m just the idiot who never made this connection. But, regardless, Jenny and Melissa McCarthy are cousins. I wonder if Jenny McCarthy is jealous that her cousin is so much funnier than her??? Or if Melissa is embarrassed that her cousin is an anti-vaxxer? I feel like we all have that one crazy anti-vaxxer cousin, but at least mine isn’t famous and does not have the power to actually influence people. I bet McCarthy family reunions are fun.
Jonah Hill & Beanie Feldstein
This celeb relationship has recently come to light due to Beanie Feldstein’s star rising in Hollywood. They’re siblings, which is fitting because they’re both hysterical. And also it makes sense if you just looked at a picture of the two of them together, they literally look the same. For the uninformed, Beanie Feldstein was one of the stars of Booksmart, and she’s also Jonah’s younger sister. I would seriously buy tickets to the Feldstein/Hill family dinners, I don’t know about you guys.
I truly apologize if you read this list and thought, “wtf I already knew that.” But like, relax—and also, kudos to you on your wealth of obscure celebrity knowledge. In my defense, when I did research on this article one of the Google results for “celebs you didn’t know were related” was Beyoncé and Solange… so the bar was pretty low.
Images: GIPHY (5)