Another day, another Kardashian/Jenner abusing the laws of physics. Seriously, guys, if you quit posting horrible edits, I might have to actually get a real job. Thanks for keeping my paychecks coming! Anyway, as we well know, basic laws of the universe just don’t apply to the Kar/Jenner Klan. Their asses warp walls, they make millions from posting about diarrhea tea, Kim even gets people out of jail now. Actually, that one makes me really like her, like good for you for using your powers for good for once instead of telling women they need appetite suppressing lollipops. But today, the Jenner girls are once again abusing all that is science. Nothing is sacred in this family, especially not anatomy.
Is this physics? Maybe it’s more biology? Don’t know, I was an art major. But, guys, I hate to have to tell you this, but Kendall and Kylie Jenner somehow got into some freak accident and have now become joined at the hip. Literally.
My first reaction upon seeing this: What the f*ck exactly am I even looking at? It’s basically a Jenner octopus—just like, limbs all over the place. A Jennerpus. Nope, sorry, that is definitely the inevitable sex tape one of them will release in the near future. It’s an OctoJenner. Our new favorite sea critter! Whatever you want to call it, it is weird, and it’s a super strange ad.
Like, what are they trying to sell us? Apparently the new fall collection for the Kendall and Kylie line? One, I did not know this was still a thing, does Pacsun still carry it? Does Pacsun still exist, actually? Do the youths shop there? Two, they’re not even wearing pants. Like, what are they selling? This is not an appropriate fall outfit, even in SoCal. Their fall line consists of sheer tops, animal print panties/bikini bottoms, and a single Minion-yellow sweater? And a cowboy hat? Really?
That aside, this is just the strangest photo ever. I would like to compliment that at least the girls have a normal width-to-thigh ratio instead of the toothpick Facetune work they’re so fond of, but the perspective is so badly warped that what we are looking at makes no sense. Kendall’s knee is bigger than her face. Her hand is also enormous due to the distortion. Who was like, “yes, the perfect shot”—to sell clothing, no less—”is to take the picture vagina first. Everything should be at vagina-eye level”? I mean. What?
And it’s not just the director of this photoshoot that done f*cked up. THE EDITING. Where to even begin with the editing? If someone handed me this photo to retouch, I’d just throw it away. It’s too weird to even try to fix. The first thing is that I’m not sure they were even photographed on this backdrop. Which is weird, because it’s a really plain, easy-to-shoot backdrop. But they look like they were cut out and pasted on it. The lines around them are blurred and smoothed and flat in places that don’t make sense. Kylie’s hair is blowing in the wind, but only on the bottom half? The top half has clearly been cut from another image. I’m not even convinced they were both in the original photo. It almost seems like they cut two separate photos of the girls in weird pretzel positions and spliced them together. Or maybe just swapped out the heads?
Like, look at this:
In drawing, this is a big no-no. You never want tangent lines because they look unrealistic and confusing. You’re telling me Kendall’s hat just happened to end at the same super-smooth angle of her hair? And then there are a couple random strands placed back in. What did they cut her out of? Why didn’t they just take the photo on the backdrop? Did they just swap her face from a different photo and do it very poorly? The world will never know.
But that’s not all!
This one is funny, because I have opposing feedback for this portion of the photo. One part is too much editing and the other part is not enough. The too much is… why is Kylie’s ass glowing? Yes, I realize she paid a lot for it, and asses are their brand, but like… they literally just backlit only her butt cheek? I don’t understand? The photo has been lit in front of them, that’s why we can see shadows behind them. #Science. So. There should a shadow behind her ass, not a new source of lighting? Once again, science does not apply to this family. Unless Kylie has her own butt light at photoshoots now, which I wouldn’t really put past her, tbh.
This almost never happens, but Kendall’s hand behind Kylie is where I would actually criticize not enough editing. This looks f*cking weird. It also distorts where they are in space to me—like again, were they photographed together? I usually hate when limbs are edited out because it often looks really horrible and like there is clearly an arm missing. But in this case, Kendall is hidden enough by Kylie that we didn’t need to see her single finger poking out of Kylie’s asshole to understand that her arm is back there somewhere. This should have been edited out, 100%. It just looks wrong.
But here’s my favorite part:
WHAT has happened here? Kylie’s knee is literally growing into Kendall’s arm. What could they possibly have meant to do to result in Kylie’s knee disintegrating and blurring into Kendall’s wrist? I don’t even have answers here, but it again leads me to believe they didn’t take the photo together and then the editor didn’t know how to make it look realistic that Kendall’s arm is over the leg, so they just sorta… smashed it all together. It looks like her knee is cartoon chewing gum.
IDK girls, maybe next time you try to sell us clothing, strongly consider wearing the clothing in a cute way so we can see what it looks like on. Instead of posing in bikini bottoms on top of each other but not actually in the same room as each other. But if you don’t, at least I have job security.
Is the worst Photoshop job you’ve seen in a while? Did you notice immediately what was wrong with the photo? Do you think posing as pretzels is a weird way to sell clothes, or that it’s weird to lay on top of your sister when you’re both only wearing thongs on bottom? LMK!
On a body-positive note, Kim Kardashian did a whole tutorial today about the extensive process she uses to make her boobs not sag in certain outfits. I actually really love this. Look, we all have boob sag, we all have issues with backless or super low-cut clothing. My advice is to say f*ck it and wear it anyway. Kim’s method looks like it hurts and takes up a lot of time. But if you’re going to do some trickery like taping your nipples and boobs together to make them look propped up, being open about it is pretty cool. You can do whatever you want with your body, but I feel like most of the toxicity comes from the idea that this is what women are supposed to look like naturally, and how you look is “wrong”, especially when coming from a public figure. At least talking openly about it—even if she’s only doing it to charge you a ton of money for literal tape—shows that all women have this problem and no one has perfect boobs. Good job, Kim!
Images: Instagram (@kendallandkylie), (@kimkardashian); Giphy (2)
It’s been a few weeks since Kourtney Kardashian launched her
Goop knockoff game-changing lifestyle brand, Poosh, which means it’s about time that another Kardashian-Jenner family member launch a new product to shill. This time, it’s Kendall’s turn. Today, she proudly launched Moon, her new line of oral care products. That’s right, Kylie and Kim have already made every product you could possibly need for your face, so now Kendall is staking claim to new territory—inside your mouth.
Moon already has its own Instagram account, with the handle @moon. I mean, who did she have to pay off to get that handle? The actual moon up in the sky is SHAKING right now. But unlike the @poosh handle, which Kourtney just stole from the old DASH boutique, Moon will have to actually gain followers on its own. At this moment, it only has 4000 followers, but that’ll probably triple by the time I finish typing this sentence.
Take a look at the Moon intro video, where Kendall’s “fun fact” about herself is that she used to not know how to smile.
I mean, if you squeezed every drop of charisma out of Kendall Jenner, I really don’t think it would be enough to cover a toothbrush. Kendall touts that her new brand is all about “oral beauty” and that it really goes back to “the aesthetic thing,” because the packaging looks nice on your counter. Wow, I’m sold already! After learning approximately nothing from watching the Instagram video, I headed over to the Moon website to learn a bit more about Kendall’s vision for oral beauty.
On the Moon homepage, we’re greeted by a photo of Kendall using the signature Moon “Kendall Jenner Teeth Whitening Pen.” Basically, Kendall made a Tide-To-Go stick for your teeth, but the name sounds like when they name a middle school after an old president. The site promises that the the pen “instantly brightens, and whitens over time,” which sounds too good to be true, but I’m still a little tempted to shell out $20 for it. In case you’re wondering, here’s what’s actually in this thing:
“Elixir III: Curated by Kendall herself, our proprietary antioxidant blend of Lavender Oil, Strawberry Fruit Extract and Honeysuckle Flower Extract.”
I fully don’t believe that any of these oils and extracts actually whiten your teeth, but Kendall is prettier than me, so I should probably just listen to her.
On the actual product page, there’s a handy message that lets you know the teeth whitening pen is in high demand, because of course it is. To be honest, 109 doesn’t sound like that big of a number, at least not compared to little miss billionaire Kylie. I guess I’ll give Kendall Jenner a break because it’s literally the first day of the launch, but she’s going to have to sell a few more of the Woodrow-Wilson-Junior-High-Whitening-Pens before Momager Kris Jenner is satisfied.
In addition to the groundbreaking Gerald-Ford-Center-For-Teeth-Whitening-Pens, Moon has a whole range of oral care products that I can’t wait to not try. They’ve got toothbrushes, floss, and two types of toothpaste, one with charcoal, and the other for stain removal. None of the stuff seems outrageously priced, but I also have no faith that any of it works. I don’t really buy that Kendall is even using her own $8 toothpaste, so I’m less than convinced that one tube is going to give me a supermodel smile.
One thing I definitely can get behind is Moon’s partnership with Operation Smile, an amazing organization that provides safe surgical procedures to underprivileged children with cleft lip and cleft palate. The website says that Moon will cover the equivalent of over 200 surgeries, which is a great thing. I really hope there’s no shady fine print about this buried at the bottom of the site, because a contribution like this is really the least that Kendall Jenner can do.
It’s important to note that while Kendall’s face is all over Moon’s Instagram and website, it’s not really her company. It was actually started by a guy named Shaun Neff, who “partnered with fashion icon Kendall Jenner to co-create Kendall’s signature product, the Teeth Whitening Pen.” Kendall purportedly had a major role in the design and aesthetic behind the Moon products, but that was probably the equivalent of like, four hours of actual work.
Where will Moon land in the great tapestry of Kardashian-Jenner-branded products? It’s too soon to tell, but it definitely can’t do worse than the Kardashian Kard, or Kendall and Kylie’s sci-fi novel.
Images: @moon / Instagram; Moon (2)
There’s no better part of Halloween than getting the chance to judge everyone’s costume choices. Who’s going as a basic slutty cat and who will wildly offend everyone at the party? But of course, the most intriguing and expensive costumes come from celebs. So who better to judge than the Kardashians? Year after year, the Kardashians tend to go all out—especially Kim. At press time, Kim has not yet posted a picture of her Halloween costume, but we’re sure it’s going to be iconic. Some of her best past looks were Jasmine from Aladdin, a mermaid (but like, not in a basic way), and Poison Ivy, so we can’t wait to see what she’s going to do this year. But the other Kardashians posted their Halloween costumes, so we get to judge those. Who did it best? Here is our ranking of the Kardashian Halloween costumes.
1. Kylie And Stormi
Obviously, first place must go to the butterfly duo of Kylie and Stormi. If this isn’t mommy-daughter goals, IDK what is. Ky went full-out and DIYed had someone make her beautiful wings. Of course, her mini-me had to look just as ~fly~ with her own set of baby wings. In true Kylie fashion, the base of her outfit (a skin-tight bodysuit) is understated but still serving major MILF vibes. Points for attention to detail with Stormi’s hairclip, perfectly matching her attire and Kylie’s butterfly details on her shoes.
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2. Khloé And True
A very close second place goes to the Mama Koko and True! These two went for the matching bodysuit tiger look. Initially, we were disappointed by Khloé’s lack of creativity (a unicorn is basic, sorry), but she really one-upped herself. Khloé’s makeup is also fantastic and really makes her look like a
YouTuber sexy tiger. But can someone please tell her The Lion King is about lions, not tigers. So like the circle of life lift doesn’t totally apply…cute pic either way though.
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3. Khloé And True
In third place, below themselves, are Khloé and True in their unicorn outfits. Just when you thought True couldn’t get more adorable, she literally became a stuffed animal. Her cheeks might be the most perfect things I have her seen. I just want to pinch them! Wait, who am I? Anywho… Mama Koko kept it cute with her matching onesie, but still managed to glam it up with some jewelry and a matching manicure. Also, a special shout-out to Chicago for making an appearance in her own unicorn headband.
Back on the list in third place is Kylie for her solo Barbie look. Although the costume on its own wouldn’t be that impressive, Kylie went for it and added in the whole f*cking box. You also KNOW she didn’t wear that sh*t out, so that was totally for the Insta. That’s what Halloween looks like when you’ve got 900 million followers, I guess? Points also go to her for the slightly ironic caption, because truly, her life in plastic really is fantastic.
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Not gonna lie, Saint’s costume was kind of lame, but he’s too cute to be in the last place. According to Kim’s caption, Saint is supposed to be a pumpkin, but like, maybe a Yeezy baby pumpkin? I’m all here for the minimalist Halloween looks, but I feel like Saint is for sure capable of producing a more extravagant look. Perhaps there’s more to come…we’ll be waiting!
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Our bottom of the list is, unfortunately, Kendall for her basic AF Austin Powers sex-doll costume. Usually, this would be fine and totes creative, but it looks like she bought it from Dolls Kill and put literally no money effort into her look at all. Listen Kenny, when your job is basically to post Instas, at least give us something with a little more wow. But I mean, if you want to dress up as Kendall as a fembot, you can go buy it on sale.
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Images: kendalljenner, kimkardashian, kyliejenner (2), khloekardashian / Instagram
Kylie now has her own reality show, Life of Kylie, which premiered this past weekend. And I watched it. I’m not proud, and I only partially enjoyed it, but here are all the things I thought while watching it. Read it and be glad you didn’t waste 44 minutes of your life like I did.
1. Okay, here we go. Bring it on, Kylie.
2. It’s 10am and I already want wine.
3. She thinks her life isn’t perfect?
4. “The only different thing about me is probably just that I have nice things.” Yeah, okay.
5. What a beautiful shot of her wigs.
6. “I’m so blessed”
7. That intro was appropriately dramatic.
8. “There is two sides of me.” Girl, learn some grammar.
9. Kylie basically says she hates social media which is like, obviously a lie.
10. Time to meet the gang!
11. Kylie’s BFF Jordyn is curvy and fierce and we like her already.
12. Kylie’s “assistant” Victoria is carrying a Birkin bag, because that’s normal.
13. Ariel does makeup and Tokyo does hair. Both are men.
14. KYLIE. LOVES. WIGS.
15. Should I start wearing a wig?
16. I would look high-key amazing in a wig.
17. Kylie is obsessed with makeup and realizes that she needs it to survive.
18. Kylie feels bad because she never drives her orange Lamborghini. But she’s just like other girls!
19. Those are the ugliest effing dogs I’ve ever seen.
20. Aaaaand Kylie is going to prom with a rando fan. His name is Albert and he’s “very emotional.”
21. “I have a soft spot for the outcasts.” Kylie is saving the world, one prom at a time.
22. Now we’re talking about how hard taking selfies is.
23. Guys, Kylie has like, a really hard life. But her last photo got 3 million likes so it’s whatever.
24. Kylie obvi looks amazing in her prom dress. Why won’t anyone pay for my body surgeries?
25. Kylie talking about being homeschooled. *yawn*
26. Kylie’s friends are convinced she’s going to be spring fling prom queen.
27. They’re supposed to be flying to prom but the private jet isn’t working. I hate when that happens!
28. OMG Kylie might have to take a *gulp* commercial flight.
29. Join the club Kylie, no one likes the airport.
30. Oh thank god, they found a new jet.
31. I’m pretty sure I remember watching this on her Snapchat story. I fucking hate myself.
32. BREAKING NEWS: Tokyo the hairstylist is gay. Shocking developments!!!
33. It’s a two-part episode. Have we not suffered enough?
34. Kylie surprises Albert and he looks v v uncomfortable.
35. Albert just said “wow” about 35 times. He is so awkward.
36. Why are there random hashtags just floating across the screen?
37. That white stretch limo is tacky as fuck. What is this, 2007?
38. Kylie wants to change Albert’s life. Kylie = Jesus, you heard it here first.
39. Kylie acts surprised when people lose their shit over her being at prom.
40. The most exciting thing that happened at my prom was some girl getting suspended because she failed a breathalyzer.
41. Obligatory speech about how Kylie, like, barely even likes attention.
42. Prom is boring, can we do something else now?
43. How long do we think they actually stayed at prom? 10 minutes? 7 minutes?
44. Jordyn is going on a date and Kylie is talking to her with a walkie talkie.
45. Where can I buy a walkie talkie? I might need that.
46. Jordyn “loves music.” This date is going well!
47. Kylie hasn’t stopped talking in the walkie talkie this whole time. She is actually the worst.
48. Jordyn called Kylie needy. Was that not obvious?
49. Kylie is going to therapy for the first time.
50. I’m going to need some therapy after this fucking show.
51. And just like that, Kylie’s whole life is fixed in five minutes of therapy. It’s like magic!
52. Jordyn takes Kylie to the beach at midnight. They’re totally going to hook up by the end of the season.
53. Kylie is wearing Heelys. She’s on thin fucking ice.
54. “This fame thing is going to end sooner than we think.” Does she die? No spoilers!!
55. Did they just make a suicide pact? I am so confused.
56. That was fun! Did you have fun? I’m gonna go eat ice cream for lunch now, byeeeee.
It’s that time of year again!! It felt like there hadn’t been much drama with Kylie Jenner and Tyga lately, which means it was the perfect time for them to break up again. Right on schedule (like, an E! production schedule perhaps?), there’s trouble in paradise. So what happened? Let’s unpack the drama.
It’s a little unclear who initiated the newest breakup, but there are competing theories. Here’s why it might be Kylie’s choice: mysterious “sources” have said that Kylie felt like she was being taken advantage of. No shit? Tyga has been living at her mansion and she’s been buying him luxury cars and essentially funding his life. That’s what happens when your claim to fame is that you released one shitty song in 2012. Like I know there are people out there who still say “rack, rack city bitch” but it’s not like he’s earning royalties off of that. Sorry Kylie, but you set yourself up for this.
Kylie was also apparently annoyed that Tyga hadn’t put a ring on it yet, which would maybe be a discussion worth having except for the fact that she’s STILL ONLY 19. Seriously, how is this girl still in her teens? Like we don’t have the best concept of time, but it feels (and looks) like Kylie should be approximately 40 years old by now. At this rate she’s going to be 99% plastic by the time she turns 30, so we really can’t wait to see what that looks like.
But some people are also saying it might have been Tyga’s call to break off the relationship. Apparently he doesn’t like how he’s been portrayed on Keeping Up With the Kardashians, which honestly would be surprising given that the show is like, the only reason he’s not living in a box. Considering Tyga is the lowest person on the Kardashian totem pole, he should be glad he gets mentioned at all. Especially with Kanye in the picture, Tyga isn’t exactly the rapper everyone’s dying to see.
So now the lovebirds are separated, and it really seems like it could go either way. Like, we’re firmly of the opinion that Kylie is way too young/hot/rich to hang around with some guy who doesn’t treat her well or even have his own income, but they clearly have some connection that none of us understand, so who knows? Kylie was spotted holding hands with Travis Scott at Coachella, so she may have already moved on to a new rapper who actually makes good music.
For now, we’ll be missing Kylie’s Snap stories of her making comfort food for Tyga, but we still have the Snap stories of her doing lipstick swatches on her forearm, thank god.