Apparently I wasn’t the only one to blackout over Memorial Day Weekend and make questionable decisions with a guy who told me he was “basically 21,” because Priyanka Chopra from TV’s Quantico just stepped out with Nick Jonas, and it is a lot for me to digest. That’s right, people, 25-year-old Nick “I Lost My Purity Ring” Jonas is supposedly dating 35-year-old Priyanka Chopra after they were spotted together at a Dodgers game last weekend. To be fair, I also take the kids I babysit to baseball games sometimes so, like, it’s not super solid evidence. But the two of them have been spending a weird amount of time together, so I guess I’ll buy into it. For now.
For those of you who left thoughts of Nick Jonas back in 2010 along with your Delia’s gift card and the Hannah Montana finale, this actually isn’t the first time Nick’s been romantically linked to an older woman. Which got me thinking, is Nick Jonas into cougars? Is the boy behind prolific lines like “I’ve been to the year 3000” and “not much has changed but they lived under water” that defined our generation, somehow seducing mature, grown-ass women?? These are the questions that keep me up at night. Clearly, this is a case for
the FBI me and my creative writing degree which I shall treat like it’s a journalism degree. So buckle up, betches, because it’s time to take a deep dive into the psyche of a Joe Bro.
For someone who got famous for
his talent and artistic drive being a hot virgin, Nick has had a lot of fucking girlfriends over the years. Like, way more than his covers on Tiger Beat ever alluded to being possible. Nick’s cougar fetish goes way back to 2011, when he dated Delta Goodrem, an Australian singer (??), for 10 months. Delta was a solid 27 years old at the time of their courtship, while Nick was only 18. EIGHT-FUCKING-TEEN. When I was 18 I was still getting drunk off of wine coolers and buying my “lingerie” from American Eagle. I was certainly not banging Australian singers old enough to be my legal guardian. In an interview with 60 Minutes, Delta said this of their relationship:
“Maybe it’s that I’m interested in challenges. Maybe I’m one of these spirits who goes, ‘Ooh, what is this lesson here? What am I learning here?’ … There was a genuine love, definitely.”
Okay, I have so many questions here. First of all, why is 60 Minutes trying to get to the bottom of a Disney star’s sex life? I mean, I know I’m doing the same thing here, but I also spend 30-45 minutes a day searching Bughead fan accounts on Instagram, so it’s not like I’m the best at using my time wisely, ya feel me? Secondly, WHAT IS SO CHALLENGING ABOUT DATING AN 18-YEAR-OLD? Other than trying to convince the bouncer at the bar where your friends are that his fake ID is real? Also, I would love to know the life lessons Nick fucking Jonas taught this woman who was almost pushing 30. Please enlighten me, Delta.
Moving on. Nick also had a “fling” with Kate Hudson back in 2016. As we all know, “fling” is the celebrity code word for “definitely banged a few times.” When I first heard this news I was shocked, because Kate is 13 years older than little Nicky and also a mother of two. I’m not sure if Kate was having some sort of mid-life crisis in which she suddenly had a burning desire to seduce the star of her son’s favorite Disney program, but somehow it happened. Then again, maybe Nick has some sort of secret game that I’m not aware of??
Christ. Maybe not.
Nick told Ellen Degeneres that he’d been on a group date with an unnamed older actress but “it wasn’t a date”, which is funny because that’s the exact same line I use when my Hinge date tries to split the bill. He later confirmed their
booty call relationship in an interview with Complex magazine when he all but admitted that he definitely banged Kate Hudson. And by that I mean he said this:
“Out of my best effort to respect her and her privacy, I’m not going to say if we had sex or not. But we did have a beautiful connection…. She’s amazing.”
I rest my fucking case.
The last piece of evidence I’ll present to the
court 5-10 friends I’ve blackmailed into reading all of my articles is this: Last week, Nick tried to slide into Jenna Dewan’s DMs. After the Billboard Music Awards, Jenna posted an Instagram photo with the caption “Billboard Awards- ‘twas such a fun night!!!” Nick commented on her photo with this flirtatious comeback:
‘TWAS. ‘TWASN’T IT.
First of all, I’d just like to say that you, sir, are ballsy. Not only is Jenna 12 years older than Nick, but she’s also been on the market for all of five minutes, and I’m sure
my her heart is still mending from the devastating break up with the love of my her life, Channing Tatum. LET THE WOMAN BREATHE, NICKY. To be fair, he also liked a shit ton of photos that his ex-girlfriend, Olivia Culpo, posted that night as well, so it’s unclear as to if he was actually flirting with Jenna or if he just had a hefty amount of Pinot Grigio and wanted to connect with someone. Who can say. All I know is it ‘TWAS very suspicious.
So there you have it: definitive proof that Nick Jonas
has more mommy issues than Ariel Winter is into cougars. And by “definitive proof,” I mean vague assumptions I’ve made based on the internet rumors surrounding his sex life. Obviously. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend the rest of the day trying to unsee the The Jonas Brothers’ flat-ironed curls circa 2007 that have now been seared into my brain thanks to this investigation.
Images: Giphy (2); @commentsbycelebs /Instagram (1)
On Monday evening, Jenna Dewan Tatum broke both the internet and our hearts with some tragic news: she and Channing Tatum are separating. It’s a big loss. Their fairytale romance started on the set of Step Up back in 2006. Channing was Tyler, the sexy bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks, and Jenna was Nora, the beautiful dancer who was definitely a virgin. Their chemistry was obviously amazing, and the movie was a lovely example of what can happen when
gentrification dance comes into your life.
After finishing Step Up, things seemed perfect. Channing Tatum went on to become one of the biggest movie stars in the world, and Jenna Dewan Tatum appeared in some TV shows here and there. They got married in 2009, and had a daughter, Everly, in 2013. They’ve always been pretty open about showing their love for each other, which makes it even more shocking that they’re splitting up. They announced the news in a typed letter that they both posted to Instagram but, let’s be honest, it sounds like something Siri could have written. Not only was the content of the statement lame AF, but it was also on a bizarre purple and yellow gradient background that looks like an invitation to your Grandma’s annual Easter egg hunt.
It’s okay not to air all your dirty laundry for the public to see, but that doesn’t mean we can’t read between the lines and of this situation.
Hey world! – Um, how do we do this? Like, we want to get people’s attention but we don’t want to sound too excited. Hey world! Yeah, I guess that works.
It feels odd that we have to share this kind of thing with everyone – We really don’t want to be fucking posting about this, but if we don’t then sites like Betches will probably just speculate about our relationship…oh wait.
It’s a consequence of the lives we’ve chosen to lead, which we also happen to be deeply grateful for – Ugh why did we have to get famous this is so annoying but also we love all our fans please don’t think we’re not grateful!!
It’s also a time where truth can easily get distorted into “alternative facts” 😉 – Ooh yeah, do a Trump joke, that’ll get ’em on our side! Ha ha ha this is so awkward, fuck.
We have lovingly chosen to separate as a couple – We cannot stand being in the same room as each other for more than five minutes.
We fell deeply in love so many years ago and have had a magical journey together – Step Up was fun and all but it’s been like 12 years and we are so damn tired.
Absolutely nothing has changed about how much we love one another, but love is a beautiful adventure that is taking us on different paths for now – Everything has changed about how much we love one another and this shit is not fun anymore right now. Again, we cannot stand being in the same room.
There are no secrets nor salacious events at the root of our decision – We’re not like, getting bad divorced. It’s good divorced. Like, cool divorced.
Just two best-friends realizing it’s time to take some space and help each other live the most joyous, fulfilled lives as possible – Fuck, is “best friends” supposed to have a hyphen? Jenna, I need your help, I dropped out of college. Oh, and also, if I have to do the “Pony” dance routine for you one more fucking time, I’m gonna scream.
We are still a family and will always be loving dedicated parents to Everly – Our daughter will be fine and we can afford all the nannies and therapy we could ever possibly need.
We won’t be commenting beyond this, and we thank you all in advance for respecting our family’s privacy – We’re not like, gonna have to talk about this, right? Let’s just say this and hope no one asks us anything.
Sending lots of love to everyone – God this is shitty. These leeches better stay the fuck away from us.