There’s A New Trump Burn Book And It’s Even Juicer Than The Last

This past January we were happy to report that there was an Official Trump Burn Book (Fire and Fury). Then, of course, there was all the tea Omarosa spilled in Unhinged. Now today we are truly ecstatic to report that another Trump Burn Book will be hitting the stands next Monday. God, I love a good sequel. The book is called Fear: Trump In The White House, and tbh it has the potential to pull a Toy Story 3 and be better than the original. Penned by Bob Woodword, this tell-all book is based on hundreds of hours of interviews with people who have witnessed what goes on in the West Wing. Spoiler alert: what goes down in the White House is not *not good.* The book exposes the chaos and dysfunction of the Trump Administration, the paranoia and erratic behavior of the president, and just the general fuckery that is the American government at the mome. Being on top of the news is like, our thing, so the fact that the Trump Presidency is a complete shit show comes as no surprise to us, but we do love being proven right. So, in honor of that, we have a list of the hottest tea that has been spilled in Fear (based on excerpts released by The Washington Post).

1.People Literally Removed Things From Trump’s Desk to Stop Him From Doing Stupid Shit

Apparently people in the White House have had to learn to work discretely behind Trump’s back, which has included simply removing letters, such as those pertaining to leaving NAFTA, off his desk. They know they can’t reason with him, so they just take it out of his sight and hope he forgets about it, which he does. You know, like how you treat a preschooler.

2.Trump Called Jeff Sessions “Mentally R*tarded”

We all know Trump is v mad at Jeff Seshies for recusing himself in the Russia investigation. Trump deals with his anger like an elementary school bully by calling the person he’s mad at offensive things. Trump apparently makes fun of Sessions’ southern accent and correlates that to being stupid. Also he uses the r-word. Cute.

3. Trump’s Bedroom is Referred to as “The Devil’s Workshop”

Lmao. Honestly mad I didn’t think of this. Anyway, his sleeping quarters have earned this nickname due to the amount of time Trump spends locked up in there obsessively watching TV and firing off unhinged tweets. They also refer to the hours when the presidents sets off his tweet storms as “the witching hour.” Do these people want a job at Betches? Cause like, this is golden content.

4. Trump Proposed Assassinating the President of Syria

V casual.

5.Trump Hated Having to Denounce White Supremacy

After he was advised to denounce the Ne0-nazis in Charlottesville (after first refusing to condemn them and blaming both sides), Trump said,“That was the biggest fucking mistake I’ve made” and the “worst speech I’ve ever given.” Hm, I can name some Trump speeches that worse than that one: literally all of them.

6. Trump’s Practice Session for Taking the Stand Led to His Personal Attorney Resigning

John Dowd was convinced that Trump would look like an idiot if he testified in the Mueller investigation. Hm, wonder where he got that idea??? Trump is of course convinced he can handle Mueller’s questions because he’s a “stable genius.” Anyway, Dowd ran a practice run and it did not go well. Trump ranted, lied, and contradicted himself. He tried to convince Trump not to testify, and Trump still insisted he’d be a “real good witness.” Dowd then told Trump he couldn’t help him and quit. Kind of like every morning when I look at my body in the mirror, whisper “I can’t help you,” and quit on my plan to go to the gym.

7. The Book’s Title is Based On a Quote Trump Made in 2016

“Real power is, I don’t even want to use the word, ‘Fear.” Cool, cool, cool.

Welp, looks like we’ve been right all along, and our country is being run by an unhinged moron. Yay?

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Images: Giphy (4)

Where Can I Get High Legally: A 4/20 Investigation

Today is 4/20, which means betches who love weed will be smoking in celebration and betches who don’t will be pretending they do in order to look like, super chill. Whichever category you fall in to, I am here to update you on the current state of legalization in the US, because I am selfless and don’t want you getting arrested or fined on this sacred holiday. You’re like, so welcome.

It’s 2018, Trump has been president for over a year, half of the people he’s ever met have been subpoenaed by Robert Mueller, Zuckerberg probably sold the data on everyone you’ve ever instagram stalked to Russia, and it’s snowing in New York in April. In other words, the citizens of America are in dire need of a stress-relieving drug. Public approval of marijuana legalization has never been higher, more than doubling since 2000 to clock in at 64% of US adults in 2017. Among anxious millennials, who have been gifted climate change, the gig economy, and mass incarceration, support is understandably even higher at 70%.

However, marijuana remains a schedule 1 substance in the federal classification system, rendering it equivalent to heroin or methamphetamines in the eyes of the law. Regardless of the fact that this is literally insane and I personally have had many more near death experiences related to alcohol than marijuana, this means that while states may legalize or decriminalize, federal prosecutors can still sue individual businesses. Jeff Sessions intends to keep it that way, and rescinded an Obama-era guideline that basically let states legalize without federal interference.Trump and Sessions appear to be divided on this issue, so stay tuned to find out who wins that battle. I’m sure they will deal with this right after Syria and gun control. Anyway, now that I’ve given you enough legal background to impress the next hot stoner you encounter at a party, let’s get down to where you can and can’t smoke legal weed.

Where It’s Totally Legal and Totally Lit

Nine states and the District of Columbia have completely legalized marijuana, including its use for recreational purposes. In Alaska, California, Colorado, Oregon, Nevada, and Washington, you can fully purchase weed for fun at legal dispensaries. It’s literally lit. In DC, Vermont, Massachusetts, and Maine, recreational sale is either not legal or pending legislation, but you are allowed to smoke, carry, and grow your own marijuana. Dude…nice.

Where It’s Decriminalized, So Like, Kinda Illegal

Some states have decriminalized marijuana to varying degrees, so it isn’t legal, but penalties for possession are usually just fines, and do not incite arrests. In many states, this is part of an important broader effort to reform the punitive and racist enforcement of stricter marijuana laws. The decriminalized states are: Connecticut, Delaware, Illinois, Maryland, Mississippi, Missouri, Nebrasksa, New Hampshire, New York, North Carolina, Ohio, and Rhode Island. Right on.

Where It’s Medical, But You Probably Have  Anxiety So It’s Fine

States that allow medical marijuana include decriminalized states, recreationally legal states (duh), and some states where non-medical use is fully illegal. The non-recreationally legal states that do allow medical marijuana are Arizona, Arkansas, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Louisiana, Maryland, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, West Virginia, and Virginia. So basically, all you need to do is successfully convince your psychiatrist that you have anxiety, as you’ve already been doing for years to access your Xanax prescription, and you can get weed in these states. What a time to be alive.

Where It’s Illegal, But You Didn’t Want to Go To Kansas Anyway

Unfortunately, there are still some US states fully committed to outlawing weed (and joy). All forms of marijuana, including medically-prescribed weed, are illegal in Alabama, Idaho, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Montana, Oklahoma, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Wisconsin, and Wyoming. You probably weren’t going to use your previous vacation days in Montana anyway. Land of the narcs, if you will.

Happy 4/20, betches! Get high and don’t feel too guilty about ordering McDonalds via Uber Eats, it’s a damn holiday.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!