‘Listen To Your Heart’ Recap: My Ears Are Already Bleeding

Just five short weeks ago, Peter’s season of The Bachelor ended. There were highs, there were lows, there was Barb—and during every commercial break ABC never failed to shove their newest blight upon humanity down our throats: Listen to Your Heart. The show is supposed to be a truly unhinged mix between The Voice and Bachelor in Paradise with musically talented singles pairing up to sing duets, fall in love, and troll Jed Wyatt one more time. If you had told me five weeks ago that I would have willingly subscribed to one more reality TV monstrosity taking over my life I would have laughed at you. But now that I’ve lost all semblance of time and the highlight of my day is taking my dog out to sh*t, I’m starting to change my tune. In fact, I’m starting to think Mike Fleiss might have orchestrated this entire pandemic to force us all into watching this second-rate Bachelor knock-off that no one would have watched had we not been legally ordered to stay in our homes. Mark my words, it’s going to come out in a few months that his least favorite ABC intern ate that bat in Wuhan. Now then, let’s see what this show is all about, shall we?

Things do not start off strong. Chris Harrison stands outside of what appears to be an off-brand Bachelor Mansion. I can tell it’s not the mansion we know and love, because the decor suggests the interior designer had an alarming amount of coupons at Urban Outfitters to spend, and the original Bachelor Mansion would never.

Did he…? Did he just… compare these wannabe musicians to the iconic talent that is BRADLEY COOPER AND LADY GAGA?? DID HE?! Chris Harrison is like “this show is just like A Star is Born!” and it’s like, you do know that someone dies at the end of that movie right, Chris? Though I have a feeling bloodshed is encouraged in all facets of this franchise. 

Like any other Bachelor season, we’re treated to a sneak peak of the contestants before they arrive at the house. I appreciate this because, while normally I would have done my homework and already had a detailed record of every contestant’s age, date of birth, and AOL screen name, as well as photographic evidence of the face they were born with, I’m going into Listen to Your Heart completely blind. Here are my first impressions:

⭐︎ Bri says she’s from Utah and she looks like the sort to have orchestrated her escape from some religious farm by bargaining with Mike Fliess to appear on this show. 

⭐︎ Is Sheridan sponsored by Subaru? Is this a commercial?

⭐︎ Savannah is a yoga instructor and the more she talks about her chakra, the more I worry it’s telling her to set her ex’s house on fire. She has that energy to her. 

⭐︎ Trevor looks like he was grown in the bowels of ABC studios as a slightly altered version of Jed. If his resume suddenly includes “dog food jingle writer” we’ll know what’s up.

As I watch so much bright, hopeful energy bound across my screen, I can’t help but wonder what the rules are here. Are there limo entrances? And if so, for what purpose? Will contestants need to impress Chris Harrison with their unique rendition of the “Cupid Shuffle” to obtain entry into the house? And once they’re in the house, is it just one big free-for-all? WHAT ARE THE RULES!! 

Jamie hops out of the limo first, and I immediately hate her. She says that music is her love language and she says that like a person who definitely has that phrase tattooed in sanskrit down her spine. Christ.

After Jamie we meet Matt, whose most distinguishing personality trait is that he has a beard. I already hate him when he tries to pretend like he’s never heard of The Bachelor. Oh really, Matthew? You’ve NEVER heard of one of the most popular reality dating franchises to ever exist? What’s next? You’re going to tell us that you think Stagecoach is a “music festival” and not a Bachelor-sponsored orgy?

MATT: I want to say that’s Chris… Hemsworth?

Inside the mansion, Jamie is immediately drawn to what appears to be a perfect human rendering of my Edward Cullen fanfic. To really hammer this point home for me, Edward Cullen (aka Ryan) tells Jamie that he once had brain surgery but “it was awesome.” To clarify, the question was “what’s something really good about your childhood?” Yeah, I’m pretty sure you could have just talked about the one time you learned how to backflip at the neighborhood pool, but okay Ryan. 

MICHAEL TODD: I just want to make some really good music

Yeah, said every failed musician ever. 

Wowwww. I didn’t even know I could feel things anymore after living in this vast wasteland of quarantine, but I am feeling SO MUCH rage for Michael Todd. He’s made me feel alive again. Bravo, Michael.

Chris Harrison comes out and I’m expecting him to tell us the rules. Like, what are they winning? An engagement? A music deal? Just an STD? We aren’t given any clarity. Instead we’re told that the girls must each choose a guy during the next rose ceremony (we aren’t told when said rose ceremony will take place) and if a guy isn’t chosen, he’ll be going home. So I feel like this premise is basically the same as Bachelor in Paradise except they’re also going to make our ears bleed in the process. Got it. 

I’m genuinely shocked that not only is Sheridan here, but he’s actually making a connection with a human woman. When I saw his audition for a Subaru commercial earlier I thought FOR SURE this guy and his hat collection would not make it past night one, but I should have known there would be a Julia. There’s always one. 

Julia tells us that when she’s not pursuing her music career, she’s running a non-profit she started from scratch! Oh, in her spare time she just runs a non-profit? In my spare time I try to dissect where it all went wrong for the Olsen Twins one paparazzi shot at a time, but we all have our thing I suppose. That’s so very chill, Julia! 

JULIA: *talks about her non-profit*
ME: *shovels chips into my mouth*

Now that Chris Harrison is officially off the premises, locked in for the night at his own mansion, sipping margs and watching a slideshow of his best headshots, the mansion has completely surrendered to anarchy and mob rule. Matt and Rudi are running around in swimsuits, beelining for the hot tub ON NIGHT ONE. This isn’t spring break at Panama City Beach, kids! This is the goddamn Bachelor. Show some respect. 

Meanwhile, Jamie ditches Edward Cullen to entertain the Jed Wyatt look alike, Trevor, in the hot tub. By my count, we’re only an hour into the episode and already TWO COUPLES have fornicated in the hot tub. What am I watching here?? Aren’t they supposed to be seeing if these people are compatible with them musically too? When Chris Harrison suggested you guys test out each other’s vocals he didn’t mean in the bedrooms, you pervs!

TREVOR: Jamie and I have a lot in common… musically.

If by “musically” you mean the two of you now have the same strand of chlamydia, then yes I believe you do have a lot in common, Trev!

Ryan And Jamie’s Date

Edward Cullen gets the first date card of the show and asks Jamie to go out with him, not knowing that mere hours beforehand she was on her way to earning herself a full-blown yeast infection in the hot tub with Trevor. Poor Eddie.  

For their date they get to work with John Mayer’s music producer, and Jamie is acting like the only microphone she’s ever been in front of is the one at Ruby Tuesday’s karaoke night. Actually, I’d like to see her resume, please. What exactly qualifies her to be on this show? Lip syncing to Kylie Jenner’s rendition of “Rise and Shine” on TikTok doesn’t make you a musician, sweetie! 

Okay, wow. I was honestly not expecting to witness any decent singing on this show, but I’m blown away by Edward Cullen’s voice. Dare I say I’m rooting for the guy? I hate that I’m acknowledging that any of these sycophants Mike Fliess found on the streets of LA might actually have a speck of talent, but damn. That boy can sing. 

Meanwhile, Jamie is struggling. You can tell she’s surprised they’re expected to do things like hit musical notes or perform in front of industry legends. She already said music was her love language, what other proof do we need from her that she’s a star!! Luckily for her, her date is a human cinnamon roll and he offers to change the key to better suit her voice. Is this what love is?

View this post on Instagram

Will they find love? ❤️🎶 #TheBachelorLTYH

A post shared by Listen to Your Heart (@listentoyourheartabc) on

Matt And Mel’s Date

Matt gets the second date card of the week and has to choose between a girl who visibly shuddered and tried to drown herself in a vat of boiling chlorinated water rather than kiss him, or Mel. He goes with Mel. Honestly, I’m worried for him. When Rudi finds out he ditched her for the date, she’s LIVID. So livid that I’m wondering if she is about to pull some basic bitchcraft and curse Matt to eternal damnation. 

RUDI: I curse you and your beard, Matt! May you and your future lineage never know love and may your biggest success be as a cruise ship performer from now until the darkness claims you!
PRODUCERS: What if we just send them to a Plain White T’s concert and make them share a hay bale with complete strangers?
RUDI: That will work too.   

I don’t know if it’s the witch’s curse or the fact that Mel is unable to show human emotion, but I’m not seeing any sparks between these two. I will say the editing is PHENOMENAL. As Matt and Mel sway together on a hay bale, the cameras cut to Moody Rudi who is having a full-on mental breakdown in front of a mirror. Who knew that during middle school sleepovers the face I used to see in the mirror after chanting “Bloody Mary” three times was actually Rudi’s? Crazy.

The Rose Ceremony

You can really tell everything about the caliber of these contestants just from their first rose ceremony attire. There is more animal print in this room than in the entire Tiger King documentary, and I’m seeing more of Rudi’s asscheeks than I ever asked for. Meanwhile, Trevor is wearing a corduroy jacket he got at the Gap 10 years ago. TO A ROSE CEREMONY. Is nothing sacred to you people??

View this post on Instagram

I don’t care what you say they are the same person

A post shared by The Snatchelor (@its_thesnatchelor) on

Chris Harrison tells the group that they need to figure out where the connection lies between each of them, and once again it’s unclear as to whether he means musically or sexually. Which head do they need to be thinking with, Chris? They need clarity!

No one is more torn this rose ceremony than Julia. On the one hand, she’s very sexually attracted to the guy everyone in the house refers to as the “jacked-up Mr. Clean.” But, on the other hand, there’s Sheridan and his hats. How’s a girl to choose??

Okay, YES. This is the confrontation I’ve been thirsting for to fill the Barb-sized hole left in my heart from last season of The Bachelor. Matt realizes that Mel is more sexually attracted to a sandwich than she is to him and so he sets his sights on Rudi again. Little does he know, Rudi is unhinged. I mean, the girl considers a cheetah print romper WITH CUTOUTS formal attire. What did he expect?

MATT: This is getting to be way too much.

Honestly, Matt, you need to f*cking RUN. 

Matt’s like, “I feel like I just went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson”. HAHAHAHAHA. Look, if that’s not the foundation of a beautiful relationship then idk what is, Mattie!

Jamie is still torn between Trevor and Edward Cullen. On the one hand, Edward is talented, kind, and willing to compromise musically with her. On the other hand, she has Trevor, who would probably look really good on her Instagram. What a pickle she’s in. 

Okay, WOW. She has not one, but two guys serenading her with John Mayer songs? Is John Mayer getting a cut of this episode? Also, Ryan is CLEARLY the better John Mayer, Jamie! Get your head out of your ass and just pick him already!

And that brings us to the rose ceremony. It goes as such:

⭐︎ Savannah picks Brandon
⭐︎ Mel picks Gabe
⭐︎ Bekah picks Danny
⭐︎ Bri picks Chris
⭐︎ Cheyenne picks Matt
⭐︎ Julia picks Sheridan
⭐︎ Jamie picks Trevor… booooooo
⭐︎ Moody Rudi picks…. Ryan!!!!!

And that’s a wrap for this week, kids! We’ll have to wait until next week to see if any rules of the show will finally be revealed or if the contestants will continue living in this state of utter anarchy. At this point I’m thinking there’s a better chance of the hot tub spreading a staph infection to the entire cast than us getting any clarity. Sighs. Until then!

Images: ABC/John Fleenor; Giphy (4); @its_thesnatchelor /Instagram (1); @listentoyourheartabc /Instagram (1)

Which ‘Bachelor’ Alums Will Hook Up At Stagecoach 2020? Our Predictions

Summer 2019 will be remembered for many reasons. It was hot girl summer. It was the summer we discovered that when you play the Game of Thrones, you drink Starbucks or you die. We took our horse to the Old Town Road. And of course, we couldn’t turn on our televisions without hearing about Stagecoach. Stagecoach. Stagecoach. Stagecoach. Annoyed yet? Exactly. By now, anyone with a TV and moderate pop culture knowledge, as well as those of us that were chained to our couches for four hours a week, seven weeks in a row *raises hand* have the word Stagecoach etched into the back of our eyelids. We see Blake’s haircut in our nightmares. And now, we get to do it all over again! That’s right, Stagecoach just announced their 2020 lineup, and that sound you hear is hundreds of former Bachelor cast members finally clicking order on the “authentic cowboy hat” they had saved in their Revolve cart for weeks. We know that last year Stagecoach was a fountain of wealth for Blake, but who will get themselves into sexual pickle this year? Read on for our predictions! 

Blake Horstmann and Caitlin Clemmens

View this post on Instagram

Off to @bachelorinparadise tonight!🌴👙 I figured a @stagecoach throwback would be an appropriate way to kick start this adventure in Mexico! 😂 Who’s tuning in at 8pm tonight!? #bachelorinparadise #bachelor

A post shared by Caitlin Clemmens (@cclemmentine) on

Blake might have been publicly shamed for his behavior at Stagecoach last year, but that doesn’t mean he won’t return to the scene of the crime to revel in his former glory. Mindhunter reminded me that serial killers do that, so I think it’s pretty fair to assume that a serial booty-caller would do it as well. Here’s my prediction for Blake: While he’s remembering his former conquests, he will run into Caitlin Clemmens, who he dumped in Paradise to give Kristina a “friend rose.” He’ll realize he never slept with her at last year’s Stagecoach. He’ll apologize. He’ll cry. He’ll mention that time his mom was sleeping with his coach. And bam! Just like that, they’ll sleep together. Then he’ll block her on Instagram and start DM’ing her friends. You deserved better, Caitlin! And I’m not just saying that because we have the same name!  

Amanda Stanton and Morgan Wallen

View this post on Instagram

I know they say I move on too fast but this one gon last (cause her name is Andi…and I’m so good with that) ❤️

A post shared by Amanda Stanton (@amanda_stantonn) on

Hear me out. Morgan Wallen is one of the acts performing on night one. Sure, he has a mullet, but he’s single and I don’t hate his music, which I have heard live at a Florida Georgia Line concert with my mother and her friends (Don’t ask. Okay, fine, ask, but that story is for another time). Amanda’s BFF Lauren Bushnell is engaged to another country singer, Chris Lane, and since Lauren and Amanda are basically morphing into the same person, why not also date men who are virtually interchangeable? Plus, Morgan’s on the rise, and Amanda might need someone with ~influence~ to get her out of all that legal trouble, am I right? 

Derek Peth and Kirpa Sudick

View this post on Instagram

when you realize you’re all out of wine and it’s bachelor monday 🍷 #hangchinthere #thebachelor

A post shared by Kirpa Sudick (@kirpasudick) on

Poor Derek. He’s never going to be the Bachelor. Demi dumped him and then got engaged to someone else. He got in a screaming match at a wedding before anyone was even drunk. It was a rough summer for our favorite Jim Halpert lookalike. But, as JPJ aggressively pointed out, Derek has a podcast, and what better way to promote said podcast than by being at Stagecoach? In any case, Derek deserves love. I’d love to see Derek with Kirpa from Colton’s season. She’s gorgeous, and she’s funny, and she didn’t get half the attention I feel she deserved. That chin injury was solid gold. And based on the fact that Derek and Demi got along so well, I like to think that he’d be into another funny girl. Do it, guys!! Make me proud!

Mike Johnson and Becca Tilley

View this post on Instagram

Feet hurt too bad to think of a caption! 🤠🎡

A post shared by Becca Tilley (@beccatilley) on

^^It’s alarming how much all these pictures look alike 

Mike Johnson continues to shoot his shot with the hottest celebrities, and I think the sooner he realizes that only a select few celebrities watch The Bachelorette and know who he is, the better. When that day comes, I think he’ll settle down and find himself a nice Bachelor woman, and I’m betting it will be Becca Tilley. Of the still-single Bachelor alums, she is one of the most famous. Plus, she’s just launched her own clothing line, and she’s hot. I only want good things for Mike, and if that can’t be eternal happiness with me, I guess I’m cool with him settling for Becca.

Jed Wyatt and Kristina Schulman

View this post on Instagram

Yesterday was a dream. Thank you @iheartradio @millerlite @kramergirl for such a great day. 🇺🇸

A post shared by Jed Wyatt (@jedwyatt) on

^^Never gonna be Stagecoach, pal

PLOT TWIST!!! Jed shows up to Stagecoach in a desperate ploy to get attention, and torments serenades all the women walking in to the tune of “I wanna be your Mr. Right.” Only Kristina falls for it. 

And those are my predictions! What do you think will happen at Stagecoach 2020? Will people find a more original picture location? Will we have little Bachelor Nation offspring running around nine months later? Will cast members get hit with more lawsuits? Only time will tell!

Images: cclemmentine, amanda_stanton, kirpasudick, beccatilley, jedwyatt/Instagram

The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Men Are Still Trash

Sponsored by SkinnyPop

Welcome to night two of my personal hell The Bachelorette season finale! Last night, Hannah’s final two men, Tyler and a guy who really should have just gone on The Voice, met her parents and had their last one-on-one dates before proposal day. I think the high points for me was watching Tyler restore health and vitality to Hannah’s mother with one flash of his dimples, and then, in contrast, watching Hannah become physically ill at the thought of her forever with Jed. The low point was having to listen to Jed defend his dog food jingle as a strategic career move that all the “real artists” have to do at least once before making it big. SURE, JAN.

Tonight, we open with Hannah reflecting on her big decision. In a voiceover, she says: “I showed everything and I felt truly free.” Jesus. Is she STILL talking about that windmill?

Next she lists the pros and cons of each man, and the differences are… staggering. On the one hand, she’s got Tyler. He’s attractive, rich, sweet to his dad, never got involved in the house drama, and has always defended her choices no matter how hair-brained they seemed. But—and this is a huge but—he’s from Florida. Yikes. Sure, it’s Jupiter, which I hear is not a complete cesspool, but it’s still Florida, America’s longest-running joke.

Then there’s Jed, a flaming pile of garbage masquerading as a human man. Jed, who admitted to Hannah very early on that he was only on the show for fame and then continued to self-promote the f*ck out of his music with mediocre singing every chance he got. Jed, who her parents hated, who ALWAYS questioned her decisions, and who frequently used manipulative language to get what he wanted. Also, there’s that girlfriend he has in Nashville waiting for him to come back home (and hopefully castrate him). Yes, I see how this could be a real Sophie’s Choice for her.

Okay, actually I’m really loving this dress she’s wearing. Perhaps my arch nemesis, Cary Fetman, took my criticisms to heart? And they say peer pressure doesn’t work!!

Hannah heads off to the final rose ceremony, and she doesn’t look confident at all about this decision. Case in point:

This is not the face of someone who is 100% sure about the man she wants to marry. This is the face of a person who just got asked to do a Fireball shot by a guy who still wears polos with his frat logo on it.

At one point on her way to the proposals Hannah asks the driver to pull over, at which time she starts to FLEE from production. I mean, sure, it’s more of a drunken stagger than an all-out run, but I understand her intent. I’m picking up what you’re putting down, Hans!

As she’s fleeing, she takes a tumble down the hill and this just reinforces the argument I’ve been making all season about how Hannah likes to pregrame the rose ceremonies. Finally, a Bachelorette I can get behind! She’s just sitting on the ground in that white dress with bloody elbows and what she really needs is a friend to suggest they just order pizza not go get herself a husband. Where are your real friends when you need them, Hannah?

She’s like, “I don’t know how to tell someone they’re not good enough when it’s not true” and it’s, like, honey you have been on Twitter before haven’t you? She eventually gets up and dusts off the only Cary Fetman dress I’ve ever barely liked and carries on to the rose ceremony. So, I guess it’s a no for that pizza then?

The Proposals

The first limo arrives AND OH MY GOD IT’S TYLER. WHY. Why would you do this to me, Hannah? She does have the foresight to look mildly ashamed as he exits the limo full of hope and some damn good genes. Hannah you are a fool.

Tyler goes into his speech and he is saying all the right things. He’s like, “I know our love is a light that will burn on forever” and I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING. Also, why is she letting him say this entire speech if she’s just going to dump him? This is so painful.

Hannah stops him before he actually gets down on one knee and just has nothing to say. She keeps opening her mouth and no sound comes out. You can tell he knows it’s over. He’s like “so that’s a no?” SO THAT’S A NO. Oh my god, I’m not well. I AM NOT WELL.

Watching as Tyler walks dumbstruck back to the limo, I still just don’t understand how Hannah could do this to me personally. She had the perfect man right in front of her and gave it up for some guy whose dad still pays his rent. I was rooting for you, Hannah, we were all rooting for you!

HANNAH: I’m sorry. I’m just in love with someone else. ME:

Jed rolls up next, and of f*cking course he brings his guitar. He’s like “I don’t have words to express our love, but I do have a song!” You always do, don’t you Jed? Do we think he’ll live tweet the link to it on Spotify?

Hannah starts crying and I hope it’s of embarrassment. Seriously, unless you are the next Harry Styles, no woman wants you to sing to her! Hannah launches into some speech about how she’s been praying for a husband her whole life and how grateful she is for Jesus bringing Jed into her life. Yes, well, if Jesus took the wheel on this one, Hannah, then I think he took it and drove it straight off a cliff.

Jed Faces The Music

Fast forward to a few days post-engagement, and we’re treated to a truly painful montage of Hannah and Jed and their dance parties by the pool. Tbh this was not what I was hoping to see when Chris Harrison promised us that Jed would be emotionally drawn and quartered for our viewing pleasure after the commercial break. Where. Is. the. Bloodshed. WHERE.

It appears production was only able to catch a solid three minutes of happy couple footage before Hannah finds out about the whole Jed having another girlfriend thing and OH SH*T, IT’S GOING DOWN.

Hannah says that right after Jed proposed, he let it slip that he was with this girl before coming on the show but assures her, as all f*ckboys do, that “it was nothing.” A few days after that Hannah gets notified about the People article where Jed’s girlfriend, Haley, describes in great detail the expanse of their relationship, and it sounds way more in-depth than Jed’s hit-it-and-quit-it description of it. Also, Hannah is still wearing the ring though?? WHAT DOES IT MEAN.

Hannah says she doesn’t know the man she fell in love with, but I feel like the warning signs were there. I mean she’s heard him sing before.

Jed goes over to Hannah’s safe house to clear the air with her and it’s like, what? No guitar today, Jed? There’s not a song in your heart to describe being a disgusting philanderer? Also, that he has the audacity to do a sing-song friendly knock. THIS IS A SOMBER KNOCK OCCASION, JED.

All I have to say is waiting for Hannah to f*cking obliterate Jed is my thunderdome. Hannah starts things off by wanting to know about literally every chick who’s ever breathed on him. She’s just covering all her bases!

JED: There are two very different views of what actually went down. HANNAH: So let me get this straight. She called you her boyfriend, you went on lavish vacations with her like a boyfriend, and told her you loved her as boyfriends sometimes do, but you weren’t her boyfriend? JED: So you do get it!

Jed launches into his versions of events and, guys, it’s so much worse than we thought. We find out that he met Haley in October when he was “very single still” and “dating around.” They slept together, there was some sort of romantic cabin weekend (but he didn’t pay for the cabin so he’s not her boyfriend, just a giant piece of sh*t, okay!!), birthdays were shared, her parents thought they were dating enough that they bought them a lavish vacation as a couple, and he even told her “I love you” (but he was drunk so it doesn’t count, okay!!).

HANNAH: But you weren’t dating. JED: We weren’t dating. Absolutely not. We did go on several trips together as a couple and an “I love you” was exchanged but I have NO idea where the wires got crossed here. Girls are crazy!!

Meanwhile, the audience is visibly sharpening their pitchforks. Tbh watching their reaction right now is adding years back to my life. My skin is getting clearer, my metabolism is speeding up, I AM ALIVE Y’ALL.

Jed continues to half-heartedly defend himself but for the most part he looks like he could not give one single sh*t about this conversation. Case in point:

View this post on Instagram

When you realized you sign up for the bachelorette instead of the voice ?#TheBachelorette #hannahbrown #tylercameron

A post shared by Bellaaa (@tylercameron23) on

I mean that expression all but screams “can’t we just push this under the rug now, babe!”

Here’s my biggest issue with Jed, though: he doesn’t seem the slightest bit remorseful. In fact, the only emotion we see from him comes when he’s defending his own character. This happened to him, (not to the two of them because, as Hannah clarifies at one point, THEY ARE ENGAGED and his actions impact her), he’s an innocent bystander in all of this and his actions had no direct result here. What’s more is he doesn’t seem to think his words or actions with Haley meant anything because “in his heart he broke up with her, just not verbally.”

Listening to this conversation play out is triggering, to say the least. I’ve dated Jed’s before, men who say and do one thing, but (apparently) mean the opposite and then blame the woman for getting his signals confused. It’s disgusting and borderline sociopathic. I fully believe Jed thought he could get away with all of this. He never thought Haley would come forward because he thought he’d manipulated her enough to keep silent. He probably figured that if he did win he would stay engaged just long enough for people to start downloading his music off Spotify and then amicably break things off with Hannah when the time was right. The only reason he seems even the slightest bit remorseful is because he got caught and wants to salvage his public image. Again, it’s all about Jed. What he wants and needs.

It’s clear that after tonight Jed is going to need witness protection for his safety because every woman who has ever been wronged (so, every woman) will start popping out of bushes and ambushing him with grenades. And you know what? I’m here for this revolution.

After The Final Rose

Cut to the present, and we find out that Hannah is not engaged anymore. She says that “this isn’t what she said yes to” and that “this experience was taken from her.” I’m actually VERY proud of Hannah. You can tell she really wanted to be married and I kind of thought it didn’t matter to whom, but I’m glad she’s standing her ground.

And what fortuitous timing for Hannah to make such an announcement, because Chris Harrison brings Jed out next to test if Hannah was actually serious about that. He walks out onto the stage and the crowd is absolutely silent. I’m sure he hasn’t witnessed silence like this since his last gig.

JED: I’m sorry, I’ve said I’m sorry. I will own up to that all day now that I’ve been publically dragged and nobody is liking my YouTube videos anymore.

Yeah, that sounds sincere.

Despite the fact that Jed only seems mildly apologetic and did let out one limp “I still love you,” Hannah says that it’s over for good between them. Again, I’m super proud of Hannah. Let’s remember she’s 24 and I did not know someone who cannot even legally rent a car could have this much emotional maturity. When I was her age I was still sleeping with guys who said things like “let’s not exchange numbers, but here’s my Snapchat handle!”

HANNAH: I’ve learned a lot from this experience but mostly I’ve learned that I want a husband, I don’t need a husband. ME:

Damn. I think Hannah just won the Democratic debate this evening because I’m voting for her for 2020 after that comment. They grow up so fast!!

And there’s more fortuitous timing because Chris brings Tyler out unto the stage next! In contrast to Jed’s entrance, Tyler gets a standing ovation. You know Jed has to be watching this from backstage and mentally jumping off a bridge. I would prefer he be burned at the stake, but I’ll settle for some bridge jumping.

Guys, there is so much sexual tension happening on stage. I’m sweating. I can’t. Though, if we’re being completely honest, I don’t think Tyler will take her back. I think he’s a very nice guy and will flirt with her and not outright reject her on national television, but I don’t think this will go anywhere.

OMG. DID HANNAH JUST ASK HIM OUT FOR DRINKS. DID SHE?! So let me get this straight: she had an entire show dedicated to finding her a husband, the country was scoured for men, and in the end she’s right back to using pickup lines from Bumble?

Great. I don’t feel like I wasted 8 weeks of my life and one family vacation streaming this garbage they call a television show! Nope! Not at all!!

Images: Giphy (7); @tylercameron23 /Instagram (1);

The Most Garbage Men To Compete On ‘The Bachelorette’, Ranked

In case you haven’t been paying attention, The Bachelorette is not a show about finding love. It is not a show about reality. It is a money-making empire designed to f*ck with our feelings, pad Mike Fleiss’ dirty, shameful pockets, and pluck a few pretty people from obscurity and throw them into moderate internet fame. For the few of you that still believed, I’m sorry I ruined the show for you, and also my pal Jack just sold me some magic beans I think you might be interested in! Venmo me! 

Because it’s a TV show designed to bring in viewers, obviously the producers try to pick contestants that will bring the drama. But lately, instead of bringing the drama, they have been bringing the sex offenders, the racists, the cheaters, and the misogynists. I’m not sure if they’re stupid or just don’t give a sh*t. One day I’d like to investigate that, so if you’re a Bachelor producer please hit me up, and also I’m sorry I just called you lazy and stupid. And I’m sorry for repeating it here now. So, I decided to take a look back at some of the worst contestants to ever grace The Bachelorette, ranked from “you’re a douche” to “I’m calling the police. Oh wait, someone else already did.” Let us begin! 

Bentley Williams

Bentley is a throwback to the simpler days, when reality TV show villains were just your garden-variety f*ckboys, instead of your garden-variety convicted felons. My, how times have changed! Bentley was on Ashley Hebert’s season way back in 2011, a beautiful time when my parents still paid for everything and three drinks didn’t make me throw up. Bentley went into the season hoping the Bachelorette would be Emily Maynard, and when it wasn’t, decided to have his fun, pretend to be into Ashley, and emotionally torture her instead. A man after my own heart. He called breaking up with Ashley a “huge performance,” and said she was an “ugly duckling.” Yes, I also can’t believe this guy made it to the “best” spot on my list. 

View this post on Instagram

I’m locking it up.

A post shared by Bentley Williams (@bentley_w) on

Be nice to this one, Bentley! 

Chad Johnson

Chad Johnson, aka Mr. Meats, showed up to Jojo’s season of The Bachelorette with an unsettling smile, a lot of rage, and likely, the steroids he smuggled through security up his butt. He outwardly sneered at the other men, and looked down on them for being on a reality show… that he was also on. He also threatened to “cut everyone’s arms and legs off” which is apparently a “violently inappropriate” phrase, according to the official reprimand I received from my office that one time. 

And as if all that wasn’t enough, Chad then went to Paradise, shat his pants, and was kicked off for “offensive antics”, which included the aforementioned pants sh*tting, and telling Chris Harrison, the Godfather himself, “f*ck you.” Single ladies, this is what we have left! And he was “vetted”! 

View this post on Instagram

I’m not sure why I work so hard in the gym. But this is my arm. And it’s fuckin big. And I like it.

A post shared by Chad Johnson (@realchadjohnson) on

So I guess he’s still hitting the steroids pretty hard 

Jed Wyatt

I’m not going to waste too much time on Jed, because we already know he went on The Bachelorette with the intention of getting famous and returning to his girlfriend when he was done. You ain’t sh*t, Jed. Also, everyone goes on this show to get famous, but Jed was just too stupid to to hide it. Try harder, Jed! It makes it even worse that we know he’s in the final three. At least have the grace to see yourself out before the fantasy suite, you two-timing Tim McGraw wannabe. 

Also every time he sang the words “I want to be your Mr. Right” it sent a violent shiver down my spine and an angel lost her wings. 

View this post on Instagram

caption Merc, go.

A post shared by Jed Wyatt (@jedwyatt) on

I should have known he was a cat person.

Garrett Yrigoyen

While Becca’s season was on, it was revealed that Garrett had liked a number of problematic Instagram posts. So, instead of ending up with a middle-aged, washed-up race car driver with a limited vocabulary, she ended up with a dude who thinks the Parkland students are crisis actors and probably says things about her friends like, “they’re a 2 at 10 and a 10 at 2!” Becca got so lucky. 

View this post on Instagram

Loved working with @wayfair Registry to get everything we needed for Becca and my new Carlsbad pad! We were able to blend both of our styles to make this new city feel like home. Link in bio to shop the space and head over to the @wayfair page today for some fun behind the scenes photos from the makeover! #wayfairwedding #wayfairathome #partner

A post shared by Garrett Yrigoyen (@gy_yrigoyen) on

Luke Parker

He took up way too much of our time at the Men Tell All, so I’ll just say that this list is so bad that slut-shamers land solidly in the middle. Congrats, Luke! You’re not the most vile! And that’s the nicest thing I’ll ever say about you. 

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Luke Joshua Parker (@luke_parker777) on

You, sir, are not guac.

Lee Garrett

Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette was historic—she was the first black Bachelorette in the history of the franchise. To celebrate, the producers rewarded her with a suitor that was racist. So sweet! Again I ask, are the producers lazy, or just stupid, or are they actually all puppies dressed in suits pretending to run background checks? Twitter is not the dark web! It is pretty easy to find out if one of your contestants has tweeted that, say, Black Lives Matter is a terrorist group, or, maybe, really hates women. As my mother says to me when she’s found the man I’m dating has fathered multiple children, “did you not just conduct a simple Google search?”


View this post on Instagram

Mornin, y’all! It’s #internationalselfcareday #tacotuesday and #nationaltequiladay. This is getting out of hand. From the beard look and my favorite coffee cup, it’s safely said, I’ve yet to take part in either.

A post shared by Lee Garrett (@leegarrett_) on

Leo Dottavio

We’ve now moved into the sexual harassment portion of the article. Leo was the romance novel cover model (I could be making that up, but it’s true in my brain), who finished in the top six on Becca’s season. Then he went to Paradise where he proceeded to try and fight America’s Sweetheart, Grocery Store Joe. After he left the show, Bekah Martinez revealed screenshots of a woman accusing him of sexual harassment. Leo’s response was “I’m sorry that girl was offended that I assaulted her,” (I paraphrase), and then proceeded to threaten Bekah with a lawsuit as all truly innocent people do. 

View this post on Instagram

Just play to your strengths boys that’s all any of us can do ??? #pastels #got #drogo #realfunnyguys #funnyvideos #oldtownroad #healthyfood #drinks #cocacola

A post shared by Leandro Dottavio (@leofdot) on

Lincoln Adim 

And finally we have Lincoln, who was actually CONVICTED of indecent assault after attacking a woman on a cruise ship, and is required to register as a sex offender. They let a sex offender pursue our Bachelorette! People think I’m extreme for bookmarking the sex offender registry, but I think ABC producers would really benefit from having a look at my browsing history. It would save everyone a lot of lawsuits trouble. Oh, yeah, and this guy used to sh*t on the floor at work. That’s too many contestants that have trouble controlling their bowels, man. 

View this post on Instagram

With the recent increase in gas prices in LA, I've discovered an affordable alternative method of transportation ???? • • •#quayaustralia#bird#losangeles#venicebeach#summer#beach#gq#fashion#adventure#picoftheday#explore#sunset_stream

A post shared by Lincoln (@linkin_) on

His last post was over a year ago, because he’s in jail, I presume?

I’m sure I’m forgetting so many trash men that have been vetted and let on this show for our entertainment, but I only have so much time, energy, and brain power that I can dedicate to this show before it melts my organs. Throw the losers I forgot in the comments, please! 

Images: bentley_w, realchadjohnson, jedwyatt, gy_yrigoyen, luke_parker777, leegarrett_, leofdot, linkin_/ Instagram