Our Predictions For ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Season 8

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Somebody tell Santa that he can cancel Christmas, because I’ve already gotten the perfect gift. Bravo just announced that Vanderpump Rules season 8 is scheduled to premiere on January 7, 2020 and I can’t imagine a better way to ring in a new decade than with an extra 10 pounds on my waistline and a middle-aged wait staff struggling to remember if they cheated on each other on my TV screen. And Bravo dropped the trailer on Friday! Andy Cohen, you’re too good to me. Based on what we know, it looks like this is going to be (to borrow a phrase from real life angel, Chris Harrison) the most dramatic season EVER. And I’m not basing this solely on the trailer—oh no, there has been sh*t going down during this off-season. We’re talking social media unfollows, vaguely negative comments, and people not showing up at parties. This is LEGIT. So, I’m going to gather up all this evidence, call myself Veronica Mars, and piece this season together for you.

The Witches Of WeHo Break Up

Rumors have been brewing (get it, because they’re witches? Sorry, I hate myself too) that Katie, Kristen, and Stassi have been having problems lately. Back in October, Stassi confirmed those rumors on her podcast by saying, “If taking a break from someone is a b*tch move and makes me nasty, then I don’t give a f*ck.” Wow. Way to sound like a passive-aggressive ex-girlfriend airing her grievances on Facebook, Stassi. Kristen also confirmed that they had a falling out, saying she doesn’t really know why it happened (classic Kristen, she was probably blacked out during the fight). Whatever happened, Kristen, I bet a hundred bucks you were chain smoking and calling someone the c-word when it went down! 

In the trailer, we see a very brief snippet of a fight between the women. In it, Katie says that Kristen is being obnoxious. Fair. Kristen says Katie is being a b*tch. Also fair. To be honest, with personalities like that, it’s a miracle any of these people ever have friends.

It looks like some of the cast could be patching things up, though, because Brittany just posted an Insta story of a bunch of them on their way to the People’s Choice Awards, and Kristen was there.

VPR cast

It seems like Stassi may be the last holdout, because she wasn’t with them last night (she was in New York), and she hasn’t posted a picture with Kristen since July.

 

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It’s the f*cking California Wine (Mixer) Festival!

A post shared by Stassi Schroeder (@stassischroeder) on

And is it just me or does that picture appear coerced for the sake of their wine business? Which leads me to my most important question, WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE WINE? I need answers, Andy. Mediocre Pinot Grigio is at stake!

Jax And Sandoval Are Also Feuding

Back in August, E! News reported that Jax unfollowed a number of his co-stars, including Sandoval, Ariana, Kristen, and Scheana. This must have happened after his wedding to Brittany, because the Toms were co-best men at the event. So what is up between the old (very old, Jax is 40! Don’t think I’d forget to bring that up) friends? 

In the trailer, we see a fight between the two men, with Sandoval screaming, asking if Jax even knows him at all. He’s near tears, with nary a dog in sight to dry them. It’s rough.

sandoval dog tears

According to, once again, E! News, the fight was over Lance Bass (!!!!) officiating Jax and Brittany’s wedding. Apparently Tom and Ariana claimed Jax only picked Lance because he is a celebrity, and for some reason are taking issue with that. Well, first of all, who wouldn’t want a celebrity officiating their wedding? Second of all,  it’s 2019, not 2001, so I think that the word “celebrity” is a little generous for Lance Bass. And third of all, let’s not act like you all aren’t after fame, mmkay. I say they rip off their chunky cardigans, fight it out in a parking lot, and move on. 

The New People Bring The Cheating Drama

Since a lot of our OGs are pretty solidly coupled up (except Kristen *insert evil laugh*), it’s up to the new cast members to bring the cheating drama. Based on the preview, it looks like Dayna has drama with Max. He says he’s interested in her, but she seems to think he is exclusively dating someone else. Later in the preview, Max accuses Brett of having feelings for Dayna. Am I getting these people right? If I’m mixing them up, my apologies, but also can Bravo apologize for casting two dudes that look identical? It makes me thankful for the days of Sandoval’s Flock of Seagulls hairdo, because at least he couldn’t be confused with anyone except a time traveler from 1982. 

I attempted to do some Instagram digging for you all and get some answers, but Brett exclusively posts pictures of himself in varying states of undress, and Dayna and Max appear to have kept their love lives off the platform. Gotta stay tight-lipped about those storylines to get a contract renewal, I guess! 

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Follow your frickin dreams betch || #basicbetch #fakegucci #hotgirlssummer #notLA #wegotthattwang #corndogs #imsoLA #brettisLAtoo

A post shared by Max Boyens 🤙🏽 (@issamaximillian) on

^^Max and Brett together, so I guess they’re not actually the same person

Scheana Continues To Try To Be The Bachelorette

People write in asking Reality Steve if Scheana is going to be the Bachelorette as often as I tell myself “the diet starts tomorrow.” His answer is always a variation on “Hell no, I just snorted Sprite out of my nostrils in response,” but that’s not for lack of trying. Last season we saw Scheana attempt to recreate her Bachelorette fantasy with human Ken doll Robbie Hayes, which had about as much chemistry as a dog on a date with a lamp. And back in September, Bustle reported that she was getting cozy with DeMario Jackson, although they are both claiming they’re just friends.

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Boo 👻

A post shared by Scheana (@scheana) on

Stop trying to make The Bachelorette happen, Scheana, it’s never going to happen! What I don’t understand is that she’s on a reality show now that she gets to be on EVERY season. Why does she desperately want to be on a show with an expiration date? Although, she was basically non-existent in this trailer, so perhaps it is time for her to look for another job…

There Are Way Too Many People On This Show

Okay, so this is less of a prediction and more of a fact, but I feel like Vanderpump Rules season 8 is truly a challenge to the show’s video editors, to see how many people they can squeeze into one credit sequence. So many cast members and yet still no Peter. When will he get his due? Justice for Peter!!

And that’s what’s going to happen on Season 8 based on the trailer, social media, and gossip! You’re welcome for my hard work, and I think we can all agree that if there’s one thing we know for SURE about this upcoming season, it’s that Brittany is my spirit animal.

Can’t wait for January!

Images: Giphy (2); issamaximillian, scheana/Instagram; Bravo

What We Know About The 3 New ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Cast Members

I know I complain a lot about how much time The Bachelor takes up in my sad little life, but the one show I would never dare speak ill of is Vanderpump Rules. There’s just something so comforting about watching borderline sociopaths lie to their friends and family without emotion or remorse. It’s like mozzarella sticks for the soul. And just as I was starting to really miss my precious garbage angels, they popped right up to give me that sweet, deep-fried, cheesy fix. This week, the cast members got together to film the opening credits for season 8. Now, while I care about my OGs very much, I’ve seen enough pictures of Jax and Brittany’s wedding to last me a lifetime, so it’s time to take a gander at the fresh blood. Let’s stalk the Vanderpump Rules newbies.

Max Boyens

According to US Weekly, the place I got to for all my C-list celebrity news and the occasional legging recommendation, Max is the general manager of TomTom. Which sounds like a sweet gig in theory, but having to follow the insane whims of a man rocking a Flock of Seagulls haircut day after day must be a tough pill to swallow. So, I’m already proud of you, Max. You’re doing amazing, sweetie. 

US Weekly also reported that Max was briefly linked to Scheana, which I assume means that he went over to her apartment one time, ate a handful of pretzels, and now she’s filed the paperwork needed to acquire a marriage certificate.

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I call this new look “Hollywood Hotdog” || #hotdog #mustard #notavegan #lovesgointowarwick #neverpaysthebill #rippedjeansaretightdude #unamas #mustard #hollywoodhotdog #dontbeahotdog #imsoLA

A post shared by Max Boyens 🤙🏽 (@issamaximillian) on

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s make some broad assumptions based on his Instagram! It appears that Max likes karaoke, is from San Diego, has style that Sandoval approves of, has a cocktail company he’s looking to promote, and is way too wordy for a man whose career is clearly based on his looks. I hate him already. I can’t wait. 

Dayna Kathan

Dayna appears to be a SUR employee, which must be nice for Lisa because I’m pretty sure the others don’t actually work at the restaurant anymore, and those goat cheese balls aren’t going to serve themselves!

Apparently we’ve already seen Dayna on VPR, because Celebrity Insider reports she was one of the women in the hotel room at the Mondrian when Jax FaceTimed Brittany. According to the article, she will be bringing drama to their relationship, and fingers crossed it happens quickly, because I have $100 that says their marriage only lasts 125 days and I’m looking to cash in. Mama needs some new shoes! (Kidding, I really need some dinner that’s not 99-cent ramen noodles). 

Based on the T-shirt she over-wears, Dayna is a Beyoncé fan, which is not surprising because she is a human woman with ears. She also appears to be a comedian, which I’m surprised Ariana is okay with since she takes sketch comedy VERY seriously. I don’t expect Dayna to last long on Vanderpump Rules, but I hope she has fun. 

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thirsty. poser. wannabe. people will always have their opinions about you. all you can do is roll the dice from time to time and know you stayed authentic to yourself. this summer has been interesting to say the least but i wouldn’t change a f*cking thing. 🖤

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Brett Caprioni

And finally we have reached Brett Caprioni, the most horrifying fairest one of all. He works at SUR, but I’m more interested in the fact that he’s a YouTuber, which explains why I have no idea who he is since I spend my weekends shaking my cane at teenagers and hollering things like “back when I was a kid we had RESPECT!” from a safe distance. I took a look at his page, and he seems to be very into eating healthy and working out, which explains his hot bod and why Jax will most likely attempt to destroy him this season. Just a guess! 

I’m also taking an educated guess that he has had lip fillers (that baby picture he posted has no lips to be found—sorry baby Brett, you were still cute), and I’m also guessing that he makes people call him “BrettCap” in full, every time they talk to him, and if they don’t he spits in their drink. He just gives off that vibe, ya know? Plus he’s from Jersey and we do that sh*t. Maybe I will like him, after all. 

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Go peep my newest YT video if you haven’t yet 😎

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And that’s what we have to look forward to this season on Vanderpump Rules. I can’t wait to watch even more beautiful people in dysfunctional relationships drink to excess! 

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy, issamaximillian, dadadayns, brettcap / Instagram

Jax And Brittany Are Completely Dodging Criticisms Of Homophobia

If you’re as big of a Vanderpump Rules fan as I am, then you’re well aware that Jax and Brittany’s wedding is just two short weeks away. The VPR cast is in full filming mode for season 8, so we’ll have plenty of time later this year to roll our eyes at the antics of the entire cast, but for now there’s one issue that seems a little more pressing.

In December of last year, Jax and Brittany revealed that they had found a pastor for their wedding, which normally wouldn’t seem like a big deal. I haven’t been to church in approximately a decade, so I’m really not that concerned with who performs a literal stranger’s wedding. But after Jax and Brittany shared their wedding pastor, it was quickly discovered that he’s made no secret of his homophobic and transphobic views. Yikes.

Here’s a post from Pastor Ryan Dotson’s public Facebook page:

Oh, the gay “lifestyle” is contrary to the Word of God. Cool cool cool. Personally, I love forcing my gay agenda down people’s throats, but I guess it’s not for him. But hey, this post is from 2015, so maybe he’s changed his mind since then?

Oh wait, this one is from 2018:

Coooool cool cool cool. So he’s homophobic and transphobic, at least as recently as last July. Great! Once Jax and Brittany announced their decision for Ryan Dotson to officiate their wedding, it didn’t take long for the internet to dig up these and other problematic Facebook posts, and it really wasn’t a great look for Jax and Brittany, who always claim to be allies of the LGBTQ community.

In January, Brittany was asked about Pastor Dotson on Watch What Happens Live, and her response was less than perfect.

“Well I’m not going to say too much but I will say that I am a huge supporter and always will be of the LGBTQ community and no matter what I would never try to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I talked to him myself and he promised me that he was not that way and he was not saying anything about the community whatsoever and I have known this man for years and if it was anything that I felt otherwise, I would never choose somebody like that.”

Okay, so she like, loooooves gay people, and would never want to make them uncomfortable, which is awesome. (But what about the gay people at her wedding who will likely be uncomfortable that this homophobe is officiating?) Luckily, pastor man assured her that he doesn’t hate the gays, and apparently Brit doesn’t have a way to check Facebook posts! It’s pretty insulting for her to act so clueless about this, especially when dozens of people were tweeting her screenshots of the exact posts. Like, just say you don’t care about being a bigot and move on.

But now the controversy over Pastor Dotson has been refueled for a few reasons. First of all, VPR is filming leading up to the wedding, so it’s assumed that the pastor will be featured on the show. Ew. Also, it’s Pride month, and boy Jax and Brittany attended LA Pride last weekend. People are rightfully upset about their hypocritical attitudes toward the LGBTQ community.

Of course, Lisa Vanderpump has always made a huge show of being an ally to the gay community, and she gave a statement to BuzzFeed about the pastor this week:

“Of course everyone knows my feelings for the love and unwavering support for the LGBTQ community. I’ve contacted Jax and Brittany who are extremely disappointed as to the depth and seriousness of these comments by the minister and are very shocked and feel that obviously major alterations will have to be made in their ceremonial plans. They are dealing with this today. This attitude is totally not acceptable to them and changes are forthcoming.”

Soooo…do we believe that Lisa really didn’t know about this until this week? I don’t know if I buy this, but let’s give her the benefit of the doubt on this one. Still, is she really going to like, force Brittany and Jax to ditch their pastor two weeks before the wedding? Considering she couldn’t even stick to her guns after firing Jax from SUR, I’m less than convinced.

Let’s get back to Jax and Brittany. Because they’re such huge allies (lol), they obviously must be horrified by all the things Ryan Dotson has said! Oh wait, no! They’ve both been busy blocking anyone on Twitter who calls them out, and Brittany tweeted last night obviously deflecting attention from the controversy:

Spread the love not the hate, I will say this again and again! We can only control our own words not the words of others so do your best to be kind and I will keep doing mine ❤️❤️

— Brittany Cartwright (@BNCartwright) June 13, 2019

Sure, you can’t control the words of others, but you can read those words and then decide not to pay them to be a part of your wedding. You can also choose to not associate yourself with the people who say those words. And if you’re preaching for us to “spread the love not the hate”, then why allow someone who is spreading hate a platform on national television?? I need to take deep, calming breaths before I end up in a rage blackout. This is a painfully weak argument, because there’s really nothing Brittany can say here. Any way you look at it, it’s a bad look for her and Jax to have this guy doing their wedding, but it really seems like they just don’t care. And if that’s the case, I would rather them say that they don’t care then try to gaslight all of us who are calling out their bad behavior into thinking we are simply “spreading hate” or “being negative”.

I have a wedding to plan! Sending love and happiness to you all! ✌?✌?✌?❤️

— Brittany Cartwright (@BNCartwright) June 13, 2019

Since last night, Jax has also been in fine form on Twitter, firing back at all the ~haters~ who have called him and Brittany out. He even said that there are “like 20 amazing gay men” coming to this wedding, so now everything is fine. He followed up that statement with this tweet, which really didn’t help his case:

I pretty much invited every gay person I knew, except billy, you can be mad at me all you want for that one I don’t care. ??‍♂️?

— Jax (@mrjaxtaylor) June 13, 2019

Besides the fact that he can’t be bothered to spell Billie Lee’s name correctly, assuming that he is referring to Billie, there is so much wrong with this tweet. Jax is basically lumping Billie Lee in the same category as the 20 gay men at the wedding, which shows how ignorant he actually is about all this. If Jax was concerned about being an actual ally, he wouldn’t even drag Billie Lee (who is a heterosexual woman, not a gay man) into this whole mess. Then, Jax also used the reasoning that he wore glitter and a Speedo once during Pride as evidence that he’s not homophobic. K.

I was just making a point, I wore a speedo/ and glitter once during pride, I have many guests that have different sexuality’s, would be really really fucked up for me to knowingly have a pastor like this. Last I will comment on this. https://t.co/khIzbW2cU0

— Jax (@mrjaxtaylor) June 13, 2019

I can’t. Jax has now confirmed on Twitter that Ryan Dotson won’t be the officiant at their wedding, but he’s still being an ass in basically everything he posts. Here’s one of the best ones:

I appreciate that, to be honest we are very grateful that people made us aware of this a while back or we would have never known, I haven’t checked Facebook in many many years so I am unaware what gets posted on that format. https://t.co/iO8yRq84c2

— Jax (@mrjaxtaylor) June 13, 2019

Great, so he’s grateful that people made them aware, but also claiming ignorance about the whole thing? In a few of his tweets, Jax is claiming that this was dealt with “a while back,” and maybe he’s telling the truth. But this whole thing kinda smells like “Lisa called us yesterday and she was really mad and so we had to do something.” Basically, I never trust these people to do the right thing, so I’m not inclined to believe that they handled this months ago.

If they really were taking this whole thing so seriously from the beginning, why would Brittany have rolled her eyes and said what she said on Watch What Happens Live? And why would Jax still be saying things like “Apparently people have never made a mistake before” TODAY? To be honest, I’m dreading watching Jax and Brittany wedding unfold next season, because I already know it’s gonna be disgusting. Thank god Sgt. Olivia Betchson writes the recaps so I don’t have to.

Images: Shutterstock; Ryan Dotson (2) / Facebook; Giphy (2); BNCartwright (2), mrjaxtaylor (3) / Twitter

Did Kristen Just Reveal Who’s Not Invited To Jax & Brittany’s Wedding?

When Kristen Doute’s nose isn’t deep in a mountain of Raquel’s pasta, it’s deeper in other people’s business. Since she finally settled down with a normal guy who doesn’t share a hair straightener with her, her only storyline on Vanderpump Rules is that she meddles in the lives of others. So it should come as no surprise to us that Kristen is on Twitter trumpeting who isn’t invited to Jax and Brittany’s wedding.

Okay, so:

James, Raquel, and Billie Lee are ? not invited to Brittany & Jax’s wedding.

Kisses,
Kristen #PumpRules

— kristen doute ??? (@kristendoute) February 5, 2019

I saw this tweet and was immediately dubious that anyone, least of all Jax and Brittany, would ever tell Kristen anything confidential. However, there might be some truth to what she is claiming, if the Vanderpump Rules stars’ social media habits mean anything. Yes, I keep tabs on this. No, I don’t have a life. No further personal questions, please. As of a week or two ago, Kristen actually was following Billie Lee, but she unfollowed her since. (I know this because I had researched it for another article that never came to fruition.) Given that this cast has the emotional maturity of 15-year-olds, Kristen deciding to unfollow Billie Lee likely means something happened between the two of them. Billie Lee still follows Kristen, though, which could mean that she has no idea Kristen has beef. Or it could mean Billie doesn’t keep an obsessive list of who from the VPR cast follows whom. (She’s not better than me!)

What’s perhaps more significant is that Jax also unfollowed Billie Lee recently. We all know Jax is real quick with the unfollow, so presumably something sparked him to do this, even if it was something insignificant and dumb. But Brittany and Billie Lee still follow each other, which I think means that either they are cool, or if they’re not, Brittany is not as petty as Jax. Even if Jax does have an issue with Billie, Brittany’s the bride, so she probably has more of a say in who gets invited to the wedding. Then again, Jax controls Brittany’s every move, sooo… Billie might be excluded from this narrative.

Let’s move on to Raquel and James. Not so surprisingly, Raquel and James don’t follow anyone from the cast and the cast doesn’t follow them back. Last night on WWHL, James admitted that he doesn’t expect to be invited to either Brittany or Lala’s wedding. Makes sense, given everything we’ve seen on the show so far, and I’ve got to respect James for being self-aware and not trying to pull a Kristen.

What is shocking is he said there’s a bigger chance that he’d be invited to Brittany and Jax’s wedding than to Lala’s. According to James, he and Jax tend to bounce back after ripping on each other and screwing each other over. Credit to James for being the only person in this cast ever to notice that this is literally what eventually happens with every cast member ever. It’s called the Circle of Life.

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@bravowwhl TONIGHT WITH ME BABY!!! ? @raquelleviss #pumprules (I look like a boss in this photo) ?

A post shared by James Kennedy (@itsjameskennedy) on

Jax and Brittany have yet to make a formal announcement about who’s invited to their wedding. However, I think Kristen making the announcement makes more sense. Jax saying who isn’t invited to the wedding would just devolve into him going on another tangent about how he has changed SO MUCH and NO ONE ELSE HAS before hawking protein powder or an electronic toothbrush. And Brittany is too nice to say anything until she’s left with absolutely no choice. So who better than Kristen to insert herself into drama that doesn’t concern her and f*ck up people’s lives? Nobody, that’s who.

We’ll have to keep watching and following on social media for more wedding developments, but one thing we can be sure of is there’s going to be plenty of drama.

Images: kristendoute / Twitter; itsjameskennedy / Instagram

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: The Annual Birthday Meltdown

Hi friends! I’m taking over the Vanderpump Rules recap for two weeks while Sgt. Olivia Betchson is out living her best life. I’m so excited to be writing these recaps, but I have to be honest and say that I’m a recent VPR convert. After resisting for many years, I finally binged the show this summer, and realized just what I had been missing. And now I ask anyone who has gone remotely near LA if they’ve been to SUR. It’s cost me a lot of friends, but I do not regret it.

As a reminder, last week James Kennedy got fired from SUR yet again, Jax, Brittany, and their limited knowledge of business-ownership tried to start a beer cheese company, and Stassi and Ariana planned their first-ever joint birthday party where definitely nothing will go wrong and zero lives will be torn apart. Let’s begin!

We kick off the episode at Vanderpump Dogs aka my actual Heaven, where Lisa is enjoying a delicious dog biscuit with her tea. Rich people are weird, y’all. Our crew has all shown up to take pictures with their dogs to post on Instagram, which will somehow stop the torture of dogs in another country. A noble cause, and also how very smart of Lisa. All she had to do was whisper the words “more Instagram followers” in a dark corner of Villa Rosa and her staffers came running to support her.

Jax is telling everyone that James got fired, while barely managing to contain his glee. Dude, didn’t I just see you get fired last season? Talk about the ‘roided up pot calling the alcoholic kettle black, no?

Kristen upon hearing this news:

Then, “Official Vanderpump Rules Cast Member” Raquel (What? That’s what it says on her IG) and James walk in. Man, this guy has no shame. I am literally a walking ball of shame at all times for like, saying hi a weird way, and these people will just saunter into the place of business of the woman who recently fired their *ss. It takes balls, I’ll give him that.

Lisa calls James over to talk and tells him that she’s going to tell his mommy he has a drinking problem. That statement made me feel like I want to throw up, and she’s not even tattling on me. I’m so nervous.

Ariana and Stassi sit down to talk about their birthday party, and call James over to disinvite him from it. Yet again, he claims that Katie is the one who got him fired! I cannot even find the words to say how pissed off this makes me! As my therapist would say, you are responsible for you, James, so stop acting like a b*tch baby. Okay, that last part is my own personal embellishment. After what is essentially the Red Wedding of West Hollywood, James decides to spare himself any more humiliation and leaves.

Next, we move on to Lala and Brittany getting a butt facial. Damn. I don’t even have enough money to get an actual facial, let alone one on my butt. In fact, I think I have exactly enough money for a pinky toe facial. Do they offer those? Side note: I do have to say that while Lala’s makeup is still bonkers and I hate it, I’m really feeling the brown hair on her.

Anddddd I immediately take that compliment back and remember why I often wish Lala would would disappear back to whatever plastic surgery clinic she crawled out of. Her “man” is, “an *ss man. A vagina man. A tit man. He’s just a man.”

Me:

Seriously though, why does she speak like this?

Stassi has Beau over for date night and they drink Aperol spritzes and eat meats and cheeses and talk about Italy. Okay wait, this might be my actual Heaven. No, I take it back. Put this date inside Vanderpump Dogs and now you have it!

Okay, this whole situation with Scheana and Adam is making me incredibly uncomfortable. Is she sexually harassing him? Is he interested in her at all? Is he stringing her along so that he can be on this show and make mad money promoting Flat Tummy Tea on Instagram for the rest of his life? WHO CAN SAY.

Cut to TomTom. Lisa is meeting James’ mom at an actual construction site. How lovely. It’s basically like, “Your son is an alcoholic and I fired him. Sorry you just sat on a nail. Will you be a dear and get me a cup of tea?”

Kidding! What actually happens is Lisa tells Jackie that she fired James because he has displayed a pattern of mistreating and demeaning women. Jackie tells Lisa that she’s all for  “the movement of women,” unless her son is the one treating women like sh*t, and then that’s totally fine. She then tells Lisa she was a bad mom and begs her to give James his Tuesday night gig back. No! I am shocked!! A woman who produced a misogynistic, alcoholic, reality star was a bad mom?! Say it isn’t so! I won’t believe it!

Tom and Tom head over to Lisa’s house to be her man servants, and they find her in the backyard clutching a tiny bird like she’s Lenny in Of Mice and Men. Fly away little bird! Fly away before you end up in her pocket!

While there, Lisa asks Sandoval to look out for James, which I’m sure will work out for everyone involved. I know they say you can’t see an ego, but I swear I just saw Sandoval’s inflate ten times when Lisa asked for his help. I’m basically like one of those apps that will tell you how large your gestating baby is, except for with egos.  “Congratulations, Tom Sandoval! Your ego is now officially the size of a cantaloupe. Soon you will reach watermelon status!”


Lisa gave Schwartzie ONE JOB and he used that opportunity to prove he doesn’t know how to count. Schwartz is lucky he is so loveable, because I’m pretty sure without that quality he would be playing video games in his mom’s basement right now. Hey Lisa, I can count and I’m willing to change my name to Tom! Wanna go in on a bar?

What do you guys think of this makeup right now? I know Stassi thinks they are beautiful ice queens, but to me they look like that guy in Union Square that’s painted silver and dressed like a robot and calls me a f*cking b*tch when I don’t throw money in his hat.

Brittany pulls Jax aside during the makeup session to tell him that Lala told her while they were getting their butt facials that Tom and Ariana don’t think Jax really changed. It was a very revealing moment. Get it? Because their butts were out. Sorry, I hate me too. Jax says that they’re just trying to tear him down because he’s doing better in life than them. Yes, that’s definitely it. A guy opening a bar named after him with Lisa Vanderpump is most definitely jealous of a nearly 40-year-old serial cheater who can’t make a drink more difficult than a glass of rosé. You hit the nail on the head, Jax.

Cut to James’ apartment, where Lisa shows up on his doorstep. He must have had warning she was coming, right? I don’t believe for one second his apartment is always that clean, I say as I stare at my exploded suitcase from Christmas break. Lisa speaks for all of us when she tells James that when he drinks he is a “rude, aggressive little prick.” PREACH, GIRL! You should see his Twitter, Lisa.

Party time. Is Schwartz dressed as Peter Pan? Personally I can think of no fictional character more perfect for Schwartz to be dressed as, and I’m ashamed I haven’t thought to call him Peter earlier. Oh wait, they’re saying he’s an elf on bath salts. Whatever. Tomato, tomahto, am I right?

WTF is on Sandoval’s head?!?!?!? This guy is more extra than anyone I ever met. And his contacts! Stop. Stassi actually does a butt shot this year (the cause of last year’s meltdown), and I’m feeling like this episode is very butt-centric. What part of the body will we focus on next week? I’m waiting with bated breath.

Lol of course Lala is dressed all in black. You always need a devil at a party with people dressed like ice angels. Official Vanderpump Rules Cast Member Raquel shows up, and Kristen immediately smells blood and starts circling her in the water.

Jax pulls over Tom of House Sandoval, Queen in the North and confronts him about the earlier sh*t talking he and Ariana did. I have no idea what is said in this conversation, because I’m pretty sure I just figured out that Tom’s eyes are the monsters in Bird Box. They are freaking me OUT.  Jax is lucky he escaped with his life. I think they hug it out and everything is fine, but I can’t be sure because I had to blindfold myself.

Official Vanderpump Rules Cast Member Raquel comes over and immediately starts problems. She’s praising James for not drinking since Pride, which happened about a minute ago. Bravo! Do they give out a chip for that, or just a pat on the back? Stassi starts getting heated and now I think we all know where this is going.

Shockingly, we are all spared a meltdown, despite the fact that practically everyone in this scene is double fisting.

Oh boy. I spoke too soon. At 1:49 AM Stassi decides it’s time to go to bed, and Beau is still at the party. Stassi immediately turns from ice angel into that woman that texted her ex 159,000 times and told him she’d make sushi out of his kidneys. Wait, was that actually Stassi? When she gets no answer, Stassi smashes her phone, and along with it all her hopes and dreams of a healthy relationship.

And that’s all! Tune in next week to see if Beau escapes with his balls!

Images: Bravo; Giphy (4)

Are Brittany Cartwright And Jax Taylor Still Together?

After watching last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules, you might be wondering a few things, like if Brittany has ever learned what manipulation is, and if she’s okay. But if you’re like me, you’re probably wondering, are Jax and Brittany are still together? And if you have any shred of decency or common sense, you’re hoping they’re not. But if you’ve ever watched one single episode of Vanderpump Rules, you’d low-key suspect that they are. It’s really a conundrum, isn’t it? In order to investigate this very important question of Jax and Brittany’s relationship status, I took to social media, as one does. And I’m sorry to disappoint anyone, but it looks like Jax and Brittany are very much still together. 

Literally two minutes from the time I am writing this article, Jax shared a picture of himself, Brittany, and their dogs on Twitter. He captioned it, “Room service and bed all day with my little family!” He and Brittany look very happy, and there is basically no question that they are still dating.

Room service and bed all day with my little family!! ‍♂️‍♀️ #nyc pic.twitter.com/5gcKUM7CxX

— Jax Taylor (@mrjaxtaylor) January 16, 2018

Brittany’s social media is interesting, though. She’s shared pictures of Ariana (with whom last night she appeared on Watch What Happens Live), but she hasn’t tweeted about Jax since January 5, and her last Instagram of them together was posted two days later, on January 7. Moreover, on January 12, she posted this to Twitter:

pic.twitter.com/SSfuYE4BSA

— Brittany Cartwright (@BNCartwright) January 13, 2018

Is this directed at Jax? Viewers of Vanderpump Rules? Who knows, but I’m not surprised that Brittany would sub-tweet. She seems like the type. 

I mean, look. If Jax and Brittany are happy, that’s cool with me. But watching last night’s episode, she sure as hell doesn’t seem happy. Brittany, if you’re reading this, I’m rooting for you. We’re all rooting for you.

Jax and Brittany stopped by our office recently, and we played the newlyweds game with them to see how well they know each other. Watch it below.

Read our latest Vanderpump Rules recap here!

Jax Taylor & Brittany Cartwright Officially Broke Up

Vanderpump Rules fans, the day we’ve been waiting for for years has finally arrived. No, I don’t mean the season 6 premiere, although it does feel like I’ve been awaiting it for years. No. Jax and Brittany broke up. Anyone who’s surprised by this news can kindly exit this article right now. I mean, I’m surprised in the sense that it took them this long to realize that they were miserable together. I’m also kind of surprised that they actually pulled the trigger, you know? Like, when you’re willing to undergo emotional abuse on national television and you’ve accepted that as okay, what was the straw that broke the camel’s back? I really want to know, but I’m glad Brittany seems to be doing okay.

So here’s the story. Earlier today, Brittany posted a picture on Instagram of herself with one of her guy friends and wished him a happy birthday. Whatever. Nobody cared. UNTIL, an Instagram user commented on the photo, asking Brittany if she and Jax were still together. AND JAX REPLIED. AND HE SAID “NO”. Thankfully I learned from the error of my ways from the last time, and I took screenshots. I have the receipts.

Brittany Cartwright

DO YOU SEE THAT? Here’s a zoomed in version of Jax’s comment, for the dense among us. This comes courtesy of Reddit user reality___auditor, a true American hero.

Jax And Brittany Broke Up

Number one, I wonder if Jax made Brittany pay him back for the boob job. I wouldn’t put it past him, to be honest. Number two, I hate to say this and I apologize for the clickbait (wait, no I don’t, you’re here, aren’t you?), as much as I desperately want this to be true, something inside me tells me it just isn’t. Like,  Jax does this shit all the time—he’ll tweet or post that someone has broken up or start some ridiculous rumor in plain English, only to deny it a day later when all the blogs start reporting on it, acting surprised that we could have taken his post “out of context.” First, somebody needs to teach Jax the definition of context. The context here is that someone asked if you and Brittany were still together, and you said no. So no, nothing here was taken out of context. In fact, it was taken precisely IN context.

Second, I’m pretty confident Jax is going to come back tomorrow and tweet something like, “She asked if me and Brittany were still together. At the time, she had gone to the bathroom and I was still sitting on the couch, so no, we weren’t technically still together at that moment in time. Everybody needs to stop putting words in my mouth.” TELL ME I’M WRONG. This is Jax Taylor we’re dealing with, and this is what Jax does. I hate it, and yet I live for it. God, I hate myself.

However, if this is actually true, then this season of Vanderpump Rules is going to be interesting. Stassi had a mental breakdown when Patrick dumped her for the 46th time, Scheana’s rebound relationship went down in flames, and now, Jax and Brittany are done. Nobody stays together for the fame anymore, and it’s just sad. What a world we live in.

I just can’t believe that Tom and Katie are the most stable relationship on this show, but words cannot describe my excitement to watch a season of Vanderpump Rules where almost everybody is single and back on their bullshit. I will be ordering all the popcorn in the world right now, in advance.

Jax Taylor And Brittany Cartwright Are Definitely On The Rocks

Last week, Andy Cohen and his band of minions Bravo co-workers released a v underwhelming “preview” of the upcoming season of Vanderpump Rules. I put “preview” in quotes because idk if one could even call it that because it’s pretty much just the cast sipping cocktails and doing absolutely nothing else. It didn’t even give us a premiere date. But it got us thinking… What have the band of misfits been up to in the past two weeks since we last reported their latest dramz? Well, per usual, they didn’t disappoint because after some intense, Pultizer-worthy digging we discovered evidence that pretty much confirms that Jax and Brittany have officially broken up. WHAT? The guy that got a rando pregnant in Vegas when he already had a girlfriend and the ex-Hooters girl from Kentucky didn’t work out? What kind of a world is this?!?!

If you watched Vanderpump Rules: Jax and Brittany Take Kentucky, 1) get a life because even I, the betch who spends her time alone drinking wine and watching Bravo, had too much of a life to commit to that trash, and 2) you probs already know Jax and Brit’s relationship was on the rocks based on the constant fighting and the fact that Jax ended up insulting Brittany’s entire family and friend group before heading back to LA sans Brittany. I wouldn’t classify myself as a relationship expert, but like, even I know that’s a bad sign.

Safe to say I didn’t watch Jax and Brittany’s spin-off for the above reasons, but apparently Jax’s behavior on the show’s finale was so appalling that he took to Instagram to apologize. And that’s fucking saying something. This might be the first time in history Jax has apologized.

Jax Taylor Instagram Apology

Brittany, blink twice if you need help, girl. The offer always stands.

If that wasn’t enough, by all means, stalk their social media. Neither Jax nor Brittany have posted a photo with the other since mid-August—a decade ago in VPR years. Brittany has even gone on a fuck ton of trips without Jax including a wedding to Kentucky this past weekend. She took Scheana the home wrecker (#NeverForget) as her wedding date instead so that should tell you the pickings were slim. But I know what you’re thinking: “Lisa Vanderbetch, maybe Jax had to make Pumptinis all weekend and couldn’t make it.” Which is valid, but to which I ask, THEN WHY HAVE THEY UNFOLLOWED EACH OTHER ON INSTAGRAM? Aha! Gotcha there, naysayers. No one who is still together unfollows each other on Instagram. That’s just like, the rules of millennialism.

Did Jax recently release a blog saying they’re still together? Sure. That blog also said “I don’t think it really changed much” describing their relationship. Given the finale ended with Brittany saying “something has got to change,” that might pose as a bit of problem. So believe what you want. As always, I’m going to be leaning on the side of pessimism.