Last week, Peter Weber finally revealed that he and Kelley Flanagan are dating. With a picture of them on a plane, no less, just in case you didn’t remember him screaming in our faces every week “I’M A PILOT, THAT MEANS I’M SEXY” and “WATCH HOW I MOVE MY HIPS DURING THIS SALSA DANCE.” Oh sorry, that last one had nothing to do with this photo. Peter’s finale was on March 9th, which means literally no time has passed since the season ended, because time doesn’t count when you’re in quarantine, or at least that’s what I told my mother when I refused to celebrate my birthday in April. In that time (no time) Peter has managed to get engaged to Hannah Ann, dump Hannah Ann, try and date Madison for 36 hours, and is now dating Kelley. While yes, technically the Hannah Ann stuff happened after the season finished filming at the end of November, I still declare that to be no time, since it was over the holidays and time isn’t real then either. And in all seriousness, I have to say, this is not a good look. In fact, it’s just messy. And even with all the trash that ABC has thrown at us over the years, I’m starting to wonder if Peter is the messiest of them all? Let’s take a look at past Bachelors and see if any of them can beat him at this game.
First, let me lay out my case for Peter. I understand walking into this thing with a chip on his shoulder because everyone wanted Tyler C to be the Bachelor, but that’s still no excuse for letting his dick hand out the roses every week. The Bachelor is not Are You The One. It is not Too Hot to Handle. It is supposed to be, or at least pretend to be, about finding a wife—not just someone you want to hook up with and make sponsored his-and-hers FabFitFun posts with. It was obvious from the beginning that Peter wasn’t looking for a wife, and proven when he brought two under-23-year-olds and a dementor to the Fantasy Suites.
So, eventually Peter proposed to Hannah Ann because she was the only one of his final two who would have sex with him and oh, also, didn’t eliminate herself. Shockingly, this did not turn into everlasting love. Peter is not the only Bachelor to change his mind after all the glitz, glamour, and Neil Lane’s blinding smile go away. But he is the only one whose relationship with the runner-up was so short that if they were binge watching Tiger King together at the start of it, they’d never even find out if Joe Exotic managed to kill that b*tch Carole Baskin. And he is certainly the only one to then move on to a THIRD woman from his show. Now he’s posting cringeworthy TikTok videos with Kelley, and Madison is responding with her own awful TikToks. I’m sorry, I cannot describe these any further because I tried to watch and I burst into flames of embarrassment, shame, and disgust. We’ll see where Peter’s relationship goes with Kelley. My heart says to root for them because she is age-appropriate and should have been the winner all along, but my head says that Kelsey should get her choreographed dance moves ready for when Peter is ready to move on in a few days.
We didn’t catch you. You’ve literally been posting videos together for a month.
And now, things have gotten even messier, because we found out this week that Peter and Kelley left Chicago to go back to LA—in the middle of a pandemic. Hmm, guess they were bored there, so now they want to be bored somewhere else! They’re now in the land of paparazzi, and we’ve already seen photos of them riding a tandem bike. Ew. Let’s not forget that Peter already flew to Chicago during the pandemic, so he’s a repeat offender at this point. Also, I hope he’s not hanging out with his parents, who are definitely old enough to be high-risk! People, how hard is it to just stay the f*ck where you are!?
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Where do I start Mrs. Mesnick. Let me apologize publicly again for putting you through the Bachelor🌹 mess that I created. With that being said… it built an incredible, unique, foundation for us to build our family – showing that we can make it through anything. You are, by far, the most generous person that I have ever met. Molly would literally take the shirt off her back for anyone (I beg her to do this all of the time 😉) Without a beat, she became a step-mom at age 25 and has been there, unconditionally, for Ty for 10 years. She's created the most beautiful and comfortable home for our family, welcomes everyone with an open door (she is the hostess with the mostest). I wish you could all see the way Riley looks up to her. Riley sees all that Molly is and is the perfect Mini-Molly. I love you with everything that I am and look forward to tackling the next chapter with you! Now lets go to @terranearesort for our 10 year celebration!
It’s hard to be messier than Peter, but Jason Mesnick was the OG of Bachelors That Change Their Mind™, so he can’t be forgotten. For all you beautiful young things who don’t need to slather your faces in expensive retinol, let mama tell you about Jason Mesnick. He was lucky Bachelor number 13, which aired in 2009. Ah, a time when we were so innocent and unaware of the terrors ABC had yet to unleash onto this world *cough* Chad Johnson *cough*.
On his season finale, Jason Mesnick proposed to Melissa Rycroft and she accepted. Congrats! But then, on After the Final Rose, Jason realized he was still in love with Molly, his runner-up, and broke up with Melissa ON AIR. So this might not sound that shocking now that we’ve met The Shame of Scottsdale, Arie Luyendyk Jr., but back then this had never happened before, and things were not yet being manufactured to garner more Instagram followers. Plus, he did this on a live special! V messy, Jason. But to his credit, Jason is still with Molly today and they have adorable children, and I guess life is good and he got his sh*t together. So thanks for the entertainment, you crazy kids, glad it worked out!
I’d also be remiss not to mention that we have Jason to thank for Reality Steve. His season was the first one Steve ever spoiled, and the rest is history, as they say. So thank you both for helping me win my Bachelor brackets for at least the last five years, and letting me get away with calling it a “God-given talent”.
Arie Luyendyk Jr.
You all knew he was coming. And now he doesn’t even seem all that original anymore, does he? After nine long years of Chris Harrison making blood sacrifices to the full moon and selling a tiny bit of his soul each time he had to officiate the wedding of a couple that met on Paradise, the devil finally granted his request and sent him another Bachelor who never heard the phrase “no take-backs”.
Arie was middle-aged mature, experienced, and supposed to bring a level of seriousness to this show. Instead, he proposed to Becca and then brought a cameraman to their “happy couple” weekend, dumped her, and then refused to leave while she sobbed. It was uncut, raw footage, and I would rather go to the gynecologist every single day of my life than watch those moments of TV ever again. It’s like he saw what Jason Mesnick did, pointed at it and said “That! Only make her want to die!”
And so he did. Then he went to his runner-up Lauren’s house, they exchanged about three words and got back together. The ONLY reason he is not messier than Peter is because he made it work with Lauren, despite the fact that I have been dutifully sticking their voodoo dolls full of pins for two years. That’s impressive. And their kid is cute. You MILDLY redeemed yourself, Arie. And that is the nicest thing I will ever say about you, so take it.
Colton’s messiness does not begin with his season. In fact, his season was relatively mild when you look at it in comparison to Arie emotionally running over Becca with a semi-truck the year before. Colton was messy before he even went on Becca’s season. I’m sure I have voiced this in previous articles, but Colton schemed to be the Bachelor for years, and Mike Fleiss fell for it. Before Colton knew that Becca was going to be the Bachelorette, he DM’d Tia, thinking it would be her and he could score an advantage, and they spent a weekend together. Then, when he found out The Bachelorette was Becca, he peaced out. He went on Becca’s season and had to reveal what happened with Tia. He still finished in fourth place, after which he went on to Paradise. On Paradise, he dicked Tia around some more, but didn’t want to commit because he was in the running for The Bachelor “it wasn’t there.”
Then he, of course, did become the Bachelor, and ended up with Cassie after the infamous fence-jump and getting the body shakes so loud I still hear them in my most quiet moments. And they’re still together today, despite coronavirus, Cassie’s bangs phase, and Colton’s book. What’s so unique about Colton’s messiness is that the contestants usually wait until after they’re the Bachelor to test drive other members of Bachelor Nation, but he did it before he was ever even cast on any of the franchise’s shows, so kudos to him for recognizing a trend and getting ahead of it. I hope talking about your virginity on national TV for two months was everything you dreamed it would be when you were scheming, Colton!
Chris Soules’ season was not actually all that noteworthy, unless you consider casting a Bachelor that couldn’t form a full sentence for an entire season noteworthy. Chris was a farmer from Iowa, and a fan favorite on Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette. He proposed to Whitney, much to runner-up Becca Tilley’s obvious relief, and then they broke up very shortly after the finale aired. His real messiness began after his reality TV career, though. In 2017, Chris was charged with leaving the scene of a fatal car accident. Chris rear-ended a tractor which resulted in the death of the driver, Kenneth Mosher, and then left the scene of the accident. He was not charged with driving under the influence, although there were discarded beer cans found in his car. He eventually pleaded guilty and received two years probation.
Obviously this is more than messy—it’s sad and devastating for the victim’s family and it’s reckless, dangerous, and stupid on Chris’s part. But NOW he is quarantining in Iowa with the one and only Victoria Fuller. Word is that he DM’d her and that’s how this got started. Damn, I feel like every day this show gives me grounds to sue Instagram. Is there anything messier than two people with a myriad of legal troubles hooking up? Now I’m thinking that coronavirus started just because it knew this couple was coming, and wanted to make sure they had literally nowhere to drive together. I’m sure this couple will only get more dramatic, and I’m excited to see where it goes.
So, is Peter the messiest Bachelor? Yes, for now. But I don’t doubt that the second ABC can start filming again they will find a new man even more indecisive and willing to debase himself for Instagram followers. So, enjoy your Messiest Bachelor of All Time badge while you can, Peter! But please take solace in the fact that you’ll always remain the most embarrassing member of Bachelor Nation on TikTok.
Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; Giphy (2); pilot_pete, jasonmesnick, bachandroses/ Instagram
We’re all still reeling from last night’s shitshow of a Bachelor finale, and it’s going to take a while before I’m physically and emotionally ready to do anything productive. Today I’m coping with the trauma by spending hours on Twitter, trying to keep track of exactly what everyone else’s reactions were. We already broke down what Bekah M. had to say about Arie being a literal garbage human, but just like America, Bachelor nation is a land full of many diverse viewpoints, which means there are lots of white dudes with something to say.
Past Bachelors, this is the moment we will judge you for. We already had to suffer through Becca being dragged through the mud in front of a TV camera crew, so please be decent humans and don’t let us down. You already know this is far too much to ask from a group of 21 white men (and one Latino guy) who are best known for appearing on a reality show, but there’s nothing wrong with dreaming. Let’s take a look at which of the past Bachelors can still sit with us, and which ones can promptly fuck right off. And fuck Chris Harrison, I just need to say it before I forget.
How did this breakup end up on camera? Seems like a private conversation. We don’t belong in this conversation….but im still watching #TheBachelor
— Benjamin Higgins (@benhiggi) March 6, 2018
Good job Ben, these are exactly our thoughts. There shouldn’t have been cameras, but I’m not going to turn off my TV and miss out on all the drama. I relate, because I am completely hopeless when it comes to minding my own business. If you’re not trying to find out everything about everyone else’s lives, wtf are you doing with your time? Ben definitely wasn’t perfect in his time as the Bachelor, but he’s also not the worst.
But real talk does this mean @jason_mesnick and I are off the hook now?? #TheBachelor
— Benjamin Higgins (@benhiggi) March 6, 2018
Ben!! You were doing so well with that last tweet, but no honey. First of all, as a little refresher, Jason Mesnick was the infamous Bachelor who proposed to Melissa, then changed his mind, broke up with her ON LIVE FUCKING TV, and got back with Molly instead. (That relationship didn’t work out either, probably because Jason is trash.) No Jason, YOU ARE NEVER OFF THE HOOK!!!!!!! Seriously, Jason is at least as bad as Arie, and maybe worse because he did it on live TV. Ben isn’t nearly as major of an offender, but like, stop aligning yourself with this trash bag.
Waow… Feel bad for HIM, People STILL don’t understand that we SPEND only like 40 hours total with EACH of the final 3 contestants. ????????♂️ https://t.co/nThmqjb3pF
— Juan Pablo Galavis™ (@JuanPaGalavis) March 6, 2018
We always knew Juan Pablo was the human equivalent of gas station sushi, and he just keeps proving us right. Yeah, I understand that it’s like super tough that you have to date soooo many women who are all super into you, and it’s so shitty that you only get to pick one at the end, but you know what you’re signing up for. Juan Pablo was very vocal in his support of Arie, but offered zero support to Becca, because this is definitely all easier for her. Okay, yeah, great, I’m gonna go scream into a pillow. Adios Juan Pablo, you’re canceled.
This is like watching OJ’s white bronco in 1994. #thebachelor
— Ben Flajnik (@BenFlajnik) March 6, 2018
Ben Flajnik is one of the more irrelevant Bachelors in recent memory, but this OJ Simpson analogy is low-key perfect. This entire situation was a fucking mess, but my eyes were glued to the TV. Also, if you don’t get this reference, go watch American Crime Story. You’ll like it, it’s sweet.
I don’t like this one bit. Shouldn’t have filmed. #thebachelor
— Sean Lowe (@SeanLowe09) March 6, 2018
Ah, Sean Lowe. One of the few Bachelor men who’s still with his winning pick, and also one of the few who isn’t just mostly trash. Sean is out here working hard to make the men of The Bachelor not look like a raging dumpster fire of testosterone, but it’s too big of a job for just one person to do. Still, it’s admirable. We see you, and we value you. Truly a voice of reason among a bunch of dudes with shitty opinions.
Make it stop. #thebachelor
— Sean Lowe (@SeanLowe09) March 6, 2018
Yes. This. Make it stop, please. I need to stop thinking about this fucking breakup scene, because I’m simultaneously so angry and so obsessed. I will never forgive Arie, mostly for what he did to Becca, but also for turning me into a monster who can’t think about anything else. This has truly been a garbage season to top all previous garbage seasons, and I don’t know if I’ll ever watch again (jk see y’all this summer). Thank you Sean for the admirable tweeting, but fuck this show.