Even during the off-season, there really is never a dull moment in Bachelor Nation. Not only do we get to dissect major news, like Chris and Katie’s breakup earlier this week, but it’s also a pleasure just to watch these people be clowns on social media. C-list fame makes people do weird things, and no couple exemplifies this quite like Jared Haibon and Ashley Iaconetti. The President and First Lady of being thirsty took to Instagram stories on Thursday night to shill a product, and well, it didn’t go over super well.
Instead of Ashley’s typical mind-numbing #spon for products like teeth whitening kits or dog security cameras (why?), this time, she was shilling for Certapet, an online service that helps get your pet certified as an Emotional Support Animal, or ESA. Ashley rambles on for several story slides about how Jared has anxiety with flying, and that it got worse once they were together because “he’s now more responsible” for other people. In my expert opinion, that’s a fancy way of saying Ashley is high-maintenance as f*ck, and even the most chill person would have a panic attack sitting next to her on a plane.
But lucky for Jared, the folks at Certapet got him a letter saying his dog, Lois, could fly with him, and now everything is better! So easy! Of course, Emotional Support Animals are a real thing, and Jared has been open about his anxiety in the past, but people on Reddit had some thoughts about Ashley turning this into an opportunity to make money. One Redditor said, “They really will shill anything. If you have a legitimate need for an ESA, your doctor or therapist can write a letter for you.” Another added, “if he truly has anxiety and he needs an ESA, he should talk to a real therapist. Websites like this aren’t legit and ruin the system for folks who actually need ESAs.”
Most people agreed that there’s nothing wrong with Jared having an ESA if he actually needs one, but using a questionably legit online service rather than going through an actual medical professional, and then posting about it on Instagram with a discount code (that you probably earn a commission from), isn’t a great look.
Because I live for getting to the bottom of these people’s spammy Instagram ads, I did a little investigating on how Certapet actually works. And as I expected, their website is frustratingly light on actual details about how the process works. When you get to the homepage, the first thing you see is that you can “Get your ESA letter NOW for Less Than $1/Day!”
I hate to break it to Certapet, but that literally means nothing. Is it less than $1 a day for a week? A month? 72 years? This isn’t how people pay for things in the real world outside of shady infomercials. I wanted to know how much this sh*t actually costs, so I first went to the FAQ section of the site, and came up fully empty-handed. It does say that the letter is valid for one year, and then you can pay a reduced rate to renew it. Great, still no actual price.
From there, I left the site and just Googled “how much does Certapet cost,” which finally led me to an actual number. Apparently, you can either get a housing letter or a travel letter for $149, and if you want both, it’s $199. So I guess if it’s broken out over a year, that is less than a dollar a day, but that’s still a f*cking stupid, intentionally vague way of saying it. Also, it is not cheap even though they try to paint it that way with this “less than $1/day” nonsense.
In terms of the process that Certapet uses, you could probably guess that they’re a little vague about that, too. First, you complete a pre-screening, and then a more thorough assessment about your mental health. From there, “your assigned mental health professional” decides whether or not you get to pass go and collect give them $200. Certapet doesn’t share what percentage of people get approved, but I have a feeling that if your credit card goes through, it’s damn near 100%. Just a hunch. They say it takes less than 48 hours to get your ESA letter, so there can only be so much careful consideration going into these decisions if they take as much time as an Amazon Prime order.
Of course, mental health is important, and people who need an ESA should absolutely look into it, but the idea of turning this process into Instagram spon-con feels a little wrong. The past few years have seen a huge rise in ESA certifications, and sites like Certapet make it easier for people without actual mental health conditions to cheat the system. The New York Times reported earlier this year that one company providing ESA had seen its number of registered animals skyrocket from 2,400 to over 200,000 since 2011. While some of this can possibly be attributed to increased awareness of mental health in general, that’s probably not the only reason. When you create a loophole that basically lets people do things they wouldn’t otherwise be allowed to do, it’s safe to assume some people would exploit that loophole.
At the end of the day, Jared and Ashley didn’t really do anything malicious here—it’s not like they bought a fake service dog vest online, or did ads for Saudi Arabia. But just to avoid being problematic in the future, it would probably be wise of them to stick to sponsorships for things like teeth whitening systems. I would say they should stop doing sponsored posts altogether, but they’ve gotta make money somehow.
Images: Shutterstock; Ashley_iaconetti / Instagram (2); Certapet
Holy shit. The stars have (apparently) aligned, and our favorite crying psycho, Ashley Iaconetti of Bachelor fame is OFFICIALLY engaged to Teen Wolf extra and Class B Fuckboy, Jared Haibon. That’s right. Proving there is no limit to what people will do to stay relevant, Ashley and Jared are engaged.
Let’s recap this shit, shall we? Jared and Ashley met three years ago on Bachelor in Paradise season 2 in 2015. Ashley liked Jared IMMEDIATELY. Jared wanted to hit that, found out she was a virgin, freaked out, and doubled down with skanks instead. Ashley spent the next 2-3 years showing us just which mascaras last through emotional episodes and how to sound halfway understandable while boogers are running down your chin.
Ashley CONTINUED to pine after Jared for the next three years. She started dating Canadian Tom Brady lookalike Kevin Wendt on The Bachelor: Winter Games, where past losers contestants on this absolute dumpster fire of a show got together to embarrass themselves and attempt to land more FitTea deals in an effort to never work again. Ashley gave up her long-guarded v card to Dr. Canada, they broke up in March, Jared slid into her DMs, and SUDDENLY they were a couple. WEIRD GUYS.
Ashley and Jared started OFFICIALLY DATING in May. That’s May of 2018 for those of you who don’t mark these dates in a very long, sad, handwritten Bachelor news calendar (I definitely don’t do that). They put up a whole Insta video about their “story” which was very long, drawn out, and solidified Jared’s status as an aging white man with not enough facial hair to hide his very oddly pronounced jawline.
So what the fuck happened? According to People magazine, Haibon got down on one knee in Mexico while the couple were busy filming for the upcoming season of Bachelor in Paradise on Sunday. Why they were even AT BiP, I have no idea. My guess is that Chris Harrison is a messy bitch and was hoping they’d break up on air. Joke’s on you, Chris! Their love is REAL. Ashley wore yellow and attempted to look surprised. Jared tried to hide the look of defeat with a sad smile.
Let’s take bets on how long this lasts. Will The Bachelor capitalize on this with a televised wedding? How about a children’s book about how being a psycho eventually pays off? Definite yes to both.
Well friends, I guess it was inevitable. Ashley Iaconetti and her bottomless tear ducts have finally secured the brief attention love and everlasting devotion of Applebee’s manager, Jared Haibon. Congrats! I hope you celebrate with $1 cocktails and half-price apps for you both! Ashley is officially the first person on earth for whom the strategy of endless sobbing, unrequited obsession, and relentless texting until the other person gave up worked. Weird, because I did that with one guy and the police told me it was not okay, and no it wouldn’t be stricken from my record. I guess there is a celebrity double standard. Rude.
People magazine exclusively reported the news of this blessed new couple last night, and then Ashley announced it on her Instagram as if it were her fucking engagement. There’s a lot to unpack in the article and the post, prepare yourself for maximum gagging. BTW, People magazine must be hard up for content these days, huh? I mean, Ashley and Jared’s claims to fame are more tenuous than the Cash Me Ousside girl.
First, let’s take a look at Ashley’s announcement via Instagram. She posted this photo last night:
Okay fine, Ashley, that picture is cute. But girl, you can’t wear white anymore! We all know you gave it up to a dude that pronounces the word “about” as “aboot” on a subpar Bachelor spin-off. But really, though, what’s up with the pseudo-wedding dress? Do we think Ashley is so thankful Jared finally agreed to date her that she wears white everywhere they go and then whenever he gets a little tipsy, she just has a priest pop up out of the bushes?
Kind of genius if that’s the case. *Scribbles note in diary for the day I meet Jake Gyllenhaal.* Ashley also announced the news in her Insta story to the Taylor Swift song “Dress”. Honestly I’m kind of into that choice, and clearly underestimated Ashley, since I figured she’d go with “You Belong With Me” or like, “Teardrops on My Guitar”. You’ve found me out—I kind of like Taylor and know her entire discography, don’t @ me, you savages.
Now, let’s talk about the People article. If you have three hours of your life to spare and are interested in how many times Jared ghosted Ashley the timeline of their relationship I’d suggest you read it. I’m going to pull out the highlights and decipher their true meaning.
After their first season of Bachelor in Paradise, Jared dumped Ashley. He says that “I’m not gonna lie and say that I was in love with Ashley during BiP. It was a slow build for me.” Here Jared is using the phrase “slow build” as a euphemism for “I was not at all into her but her emotional abuse eventually wore me down and I was really horny.” But also, you didn’t immediately want to bang the girl that snotted all her makeup off every episode? SHOCKING NEWS.
At some point after that, Ashley went on Bachelor: Winter Games and Jared went on Bachelor in Paradise: Australia. You read that right, folks. Jared has sunk so low that no one in America even wants him on their TV screens anymore. When do we get to send the cast of The Real Housewives of New Jersey there? Or can felons not leave the country?
When Jared returned from the Outback to manage an Outback Steakhouse (I paraphrase), he heard that Ashley met someone on Winter Games, so naturally that’s when he decided he was into her. THIS FUCKING GUY. It’s like he read the fuckboy handbook and followed it to a T. Because seriously, she cries over him every day for three years, and then she finally gets a boyfriend and he’s like, “Those tears are so sexy, I need you.” So, even though Ashley was finally engaging in sexual activity happy with her slightly mangled Canadian James Marsden, Jared decided he had to profess his feelings.
Me:
Men = Trash. Seriously. If you stood a vaguely man shaped creature made out of crumpled Dorito bags and used paper towels held together by gum and said it was my new boyfriend, I’d believe you.
This is how it went down, according to Ashley: “I left that conversation with him not just admitting that he was jealous but also he had feelings, and you kind of alluded to wanting to be with me.”
Really, Jared? I love that he’s saying he’s into her but STILL vague about it. “Alluding to wanting to be with me.” Spit it out of those mangled teeth, Jared! Do you want in or not? Personally I think he came back from Australia where not even a kangaroo would touch him with an 10-foot pole and realized in America he’d actually have to compete with real hotties like Dean and his baby blues and fucking panicked. And now he’s walking around with an Ashley-shaped tumor attached to his leg.
In all seriousness, I do hope this is the real thing and Ashley gets her happily ever after with the guy who didn’t want to deflower her. How long do you all think this one will last? At least until Jared gets it in they have something else to promote, I’m sure. Best of luck to them, I’ll just be here sobbing over my work crush in hopes he breaks off his engagement for me.
Images: @ashley_iaconetti/Instagram; giphy (4)
