I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 35-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I love them so much, I yell at every episode on my Instagram stories. As you can imagine, my father is very proud. Very.
This is my preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for both shows for half a decade. When I first started writing this, Instagram couldn’t pay a person’s rent, and ABC would only give me a picture, a name, an age, a hometown, and a profession. That was my preview, and I’d make massive assumptions based on this small amount of information. Then ABC was like, “Let’s interview these whackos,” and suddenly my job got easier. Maybe too easy. The contestants began to give weird answers, and you could always tell who came on the show with aspirations to say to their IG followers, “a lot of you have been asking…” The last couple seasons, they’ve changed it to a short bio written by an intern who recently posted that we’re all in this together from their parents’ beach house.
So, join me as I make massive assumptions based on very little (now secondhand) information. It’s like sitting with me while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at what people wore for an awards show red carpet. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Tuesday night. (Before you start this season with me, you can also check out the last two seasons in my highlights.) Let’s have a fun season.
Clare Crawley / Tayshia Adams
With every decision about the Bachelor and Bachelorette, there are two things to break down: the decision itself, and the audience’s reaction to that decision. Clare Crawley was a FANTASTIC choice for the Bachelorette. The show always needed an older Bachelorette so that it would force the contestants to be a bit older, making the show more realistic. There was just very little that was real about 31 25-year-old men looking to settle down after receiving 100,000 new Instagram followers. And because of that, we’d get a lot of contestants who could barely make it through the first night without becoming a cartoon. They’d basically fart on their way out of the limo as they flashed their Instagram handle where they were selling, “Yup, I just farted” T-shirts. What you’ll see from the men below is that they’re mostly pretty serious guys with serious jobs who all wrote something about being “ready”—and it’s all somewhat believable. So it wasn’t that I loved Clare as much as I loved how she helped the show.
Well, the audience reacted to Clare weirdly. She was never really enough. She was never old enough. Every time I made the JOKE about her age, I’d get one person who was like, “38 ISN’T OLD!!!” But what people choose to forget is that she is old FOR THE BACHELORETTE. Even still, that storyline hit a little too close to home for some people. You could tell that Clare being considered “older” was a bit depressing for someone single around the same age who didn’t have a whole show revolving around setting them up.
Clare was also never representative enough. Sure, she yelled at Juan Pablo, but it’s at least a year too late for her to be the face of #MeToo. The audience had moved on to wanting more diversity, and choosing Clare, a white woman, felt like sidestepping that movement—as if they’d searched every nursing home in the country to avoid picking a woman of color (again, I’m kidding. I meant “assisted living facility”).
Lastly, Clare wasn’t aspirational enough. Her big moment came before you could cash in with a social media following, so it wasn’t like she had this army of people who felt like they knew her because they used her promo codes.
(SPOILER ALERT…BUT NOT REALLY) Clare did find love on The Bachelor Winter Games, but that’s a bit of a letdown. It’s kind of like telling people you got engaged on a Carnival cruise ship. We’re like, “Good for you!” but also a little sad that it wasn’t one of the nice cruise lines. So when news broke about Clare finding a guy, basically ending her “journey”, and Tayshia coming on, everyone kind of perked up. Tayshia has the social media following, and as a Black woman, she’ll bring the diversity that the show desperately needs. Plus, she gave this season a bit of “anything can happen” vibe that The Bachelorette can sometimes lack, because there’s usually only two marry-able guys who own a box spring.
28, Software Salesman, Playa Del Rey, CA
AJ is a 28-year old-software salesman from Playa Del Rey, California, who says that he’s “very excited to pursue a woman like Clare who he sees as mature and experienced.” I hope to god that’s his opening line out of the limo: “Hi, Clare! I’m excited to meet someone who is as mature and experienced as you! Are you enjoying going through the change?! We can talk further about it in the mansion!” You thought the marches were tense this summer? Well, if AJ calls a woman under the age of 40 “mature” and “experienced”, you’ll see thousands of white women with midwestern haircuts marching on the White House lawn burning AJ cutouts in-between Activia yogurt breaks.
29, Army Ranger Veteran, Venice, CA
Ben is a 29-year-old army ranger veteran from Venice, California, who, due to a back injury that forced him out of active duty, is now a personal trainer who says he shows his affection through writing love letters. My favorite part of The Bachelorette is how they find guys I only thought existed in Hallmark movies. Ben probably looks at the moon while telling women how the nights in Iraq changed his perspective on life. (I, on the other hand, once told a woman that I have a bad relationship with cheese, and then we just stared at one another until she realized I meant it gave me diarrhea.) Ben’s bio made me wet. Until now, I didn’t know men could get wet. Well, tell that to my couch! Or maybe that was the cheese…
36, Wealth Management Consultant, NYC
Bennett is a 36-year-old wealth management consultant from New York City who looks like he just shut down an orphanage to put an addition onto his ski mountain. Bennett’s bio casually mentions he went to Harvard, and he’s never really worked for a girl since high school. Bennett also lists that he “hates golf”, which is the white guy who works in finance’s version of a white woman saying she’s not really into brunch. As if we’re going to be like, “Whoaa, you hate golf?!?! Wow, Bennett, you’re not like all the other Bennetts who went to Harvard who work in finance. You’re like…different.”
31, Male Grooming Specialist, Phoenix, AZ
Blake is a 31-year-old male grooming specialist from Phoenix, Arizona, who looks like he’s had more lines of coke than showers this week. “Male grooming specialist” is a job description that could only exist for a good-looking guy in Phoenix. Plus, men in Phoenix have the stupidity of a Floridian mixed with the confidence of someone who moved to Los Angeles to act. So I absolutely believe that a guy could walk around Phoenix claiming to be a “male grooming specialist” without anyone saying, “Oh, so you’re a barber!”
29, Wildlife Manager, Hamilton, ON
Blake Moynes is a 29-year-old wildlife manager from Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. I like that there were two “Blake M’s” so we had to learn their last names. They could’ve just gone with “Blake Bottle Service” and “Blake European Henchman From The Taken Movies” and it would’ve been easier. Anyway, Blake Henchman’s bio is a lot like The Bachelorette in that it’s a fairytale that women want to hear. It says, “Blake spent his Saturday nights hanging with his best friends, but now all of those friends are married and he’s the last single man remaining.” This is written as if it’s a tragedy in Blake’s life. As if his friends were like, “What? No wife? I guess we’ll see you when you’re married…hopefully, our kids aren’t too far apart in age to hang at that point.” No; that’s a very female spin on a man’s life, and it’s just not how it works. Every time Blake mentions that he’s single, his best friends probably ask to see his dating app matches, and then they high-five for an hour.
28, Real Estate Agent, Cleveland, OH
Brandon is a 28-year-old real estate agent who looks like he should be on Selling Sunset. (They’d probably make him permanently stand seven feet away from the Oppenheim Brothers so you could never tell that they’re actually three feet tall.) Brandon actually spent the last few years modeling in New York City, and now he’s moving back to Cleveland where he grew up. Can you imagine a guy this good looking living in Cleveland?! Brandon will get off of the flight from New York and the people of Cleveland will kneel as if he were a plate of cheese fries. Then they’ll remove their hard hats and unzip their zip-up hoodies as a sign of respect for their new leader. Brandon will rule the land benevolently and make sure that his people stay full on regular sodas and sampler platters for the rest of time.
30, Commercial Roofer, Milford, MA
Brendan is a 30-year-old commercial roofer from Milford, Massachusetts, and his bio is the most 30-year-old single dude living outside of Boston bio that I’ve ever read: “After losing his dad at a young age, he knew that his purpose in life was to be a father. After relocating to Los Angeles, Brendan decided to move back home to Massachusetts to work for the family roofing business and be closer to his family—especially his nieces and nephews, whom he can’t get enough of.”
There’s a very specific Boston guy who paints himself as this Mark Wahlberg/Good Will Hunting/Manchester By The Sea type who has a tough exterior and a soft soul. They’re as plentiful in the greater Boston area as guys named “Sully”. They love their nieces and nephews even though they’ve never babysat them, they have a Boston accent even though they didn’t have one when they moved to LA, and they come back to work as a “roofah” because “Pop woulda wanted it that way.” And even though they went to LA for, like, three months and never even got a job there, this is literally all they talk about in-between sips of a “LAHHHGEE REGULAHH” from Dunkin’ that you paid for because they “FORGAHHT THEIHHH CAHHHHDDD.”
31, IT Account Executive, San Diego, CA
Chasen is a 31-year-old IT account executive from San Diego, California. Nobody has ever looked more “Chasen” than Chasen. I’m waiting for his wife, Madison, to passive-aggressively explain to me that their wedding band is unbookable for the foreseeable future. Also, I can’t imagine any woman enjoying Chasen’s description of adventure: “He is a self-proclaimed adventure seeker and loves to say yes to things other people might consider insane. His latest insane adventure? You’re looking at it!” I’m sure that’s what every woman wants to hear! That dating them is like a hike where they encountered a moody bear who had a dream last night that they HAVE to tell you about.
27, Landscape Design Salesman, Salt Lake City, UT
Chris is a 27-year-old landscape design salesman from Salt Lake City, Utah, who got asked to “describe himself as a lover”. Being asked to describe yourself as a lover during an interview for The Bachelorette is brutal. There’s no right answer. Chris tried to be subtle by answering with “I like to think I’m good at what I do” but that sounds like you lick a woman’s belly button before asking if she came. Then again, what was he going to say?!?! He couldn’t have been like, “I’M A COCKSMAN!” while tonguing the air. This is a family show.
If I were asked to describe myself as a lover, I’d say, “Like a waiter at an understaffed restaurant, you’ll appreciate that I’m doing the best that I can.” And anyone reading this is invited to use that at their next family Thanksgiving.
31, Former Pro Football Wide Receiver, Brandon, SD
Dale is a 31-year-old former professional football player from Brandon, South Dakota, who looks like he should be playing a guy on a soap opera who’s involved in an “entanglement”. I don’t trust Dale! He just says too many things that sound right, but ultimately could be huge red flags. He says that he’s “passionate”, that he “doesn’t hold back”, that he “doesn’t want a woman who’s turned off by his intensity”, and that he’s “yet to master patience”—which all sounds nice until you’re at a restaurant with him. Then Dale gets his steak, and he’s a little too passionate about medium rare. And instead of waiting for the waitress to come back, he starts snapping his fingers. And when she says, “Oh, I’m sorry about that!” Dale says, “You better be sorry or you’ll be working at Denny’s serving Grand Slams to widowers who can’t afford to tip 20%!” And when the waitress looks to you to see if this is all some cruel joke, you’ll have to say, “I’m sorry, he gets so passionate sometimes!” while reaching for your pepper spray.
26, Spin Cycling Instructor, Scottsdale, AZ
Demar is a 26-year-old spin cycle instructor from Scottsdale, Arizona, who says that his dream job is to be a DJ on the Las Vegas Strip. I’ve always believed that The Bachelorette should have a minimum age of 30 for the men. It’s just not believable that a guy who dreams of being a Las Vegas DJ would also want to get married. At 26, you can say stuff like that and it’s actually a possibility. You can mess up. You can go to Vegas, DJ, get sad, and come back to wherever you came from for rehab. At 30, you dream of a yard and naps and bars with comfortable bar chairs. A guy who’s ready to get married isn’t dreaming of becoming a DJ; he’s dreaming of a bar with a place to sit in front of a TV.
29, Sports Marketing Agent, Newport Beach, CA
Eazy is a former NFL player who is now a sports marketing agent. Eazy’s bio says he has “a smile that lights up a room” and that “nobody hypes up Eazy like Eazy” because OF COURSE! His name is Eazy! Did you think he was going to be quiet and shy? Did you think Eazy’s bio would be about his love of accounting and plain Triscuits?! No. And I love it. I’m not sure if being named Eazy makes you a certain type of person, but it has to help. Like, maybe having the name “Jared” made me predestined to wait by the door where the appetizers come out during the cocktail hour. Maybe it’s the name “Jared’s” fault that I can only eat cheese while being confident that I’m in a comfortable toilet situation. Maybe if my name were Eazy, I wouldn’t flinch when a subway dancer does a move within seven feet of me.
36, Health Care Salesman, Miami, FL
Ed is a 36-year-old health care salesman from Miami, Florida, who needs a girlfriend. He needs one immediately, because look closely at his eyebrows. Those are single man eyebrows if I’ve ever seen them. Ed looks like he shut one eye to pluck each brow while forgetting that he was actually semi-blind. One is thick and the other is half missing. They look like they’re backing away from one another after a fight. They might be drawn on with a magic marker. And sadly, he has no clue. Let’s hope that Ed finds a woman so he can stop wondering why people always look at him just a bit above his eyeline.
34, Professor of Journalism, North Hollywood, CA
Garin is a 34-year-old professor of journalism at the University of Southern California. I’ve gotta say, the producers have made a real effort to diversify the cast this season. And not just racially, but also the ages and especially the jobs. A professor? Usually it’s some vague title like “tech entrepreneur” which actually means “my parents invested in my company that’s an app that already exists, but this buys me time to live at the beach until they make me go to fully-paid law school and become an in-house counsel that makes six figures right away.”
28, Aeronautical Engineer, Dallas, TX
Ivan is a 28-year-old aeronautical engineer from Dallas, Texas, who is very obviously a “catch”. He builds jets for the U.S. Military and he talks with his mom on the phone every day (even though the person who needs therapy most at your brunch would probably be like, “talks to his mom every day?! RED FLAG!”). Ivan’s bio says that he’s “hoping to find someone who is not only beautiful and nurturing, but also smart and ambitious.” I just wish Ivan was a little more honest. Of course you want someone who is beautiful, nurturing, smart, and ambitious. Just once I want someone to be like, “I want a woman who doesn’t like to leave the house too much, will laugh every time I fart, and knows not to touch my stomach after we eat too much Chinese food.”
31, Former Pro Football Lineman, Arlington, VA
Jason is a 31-year-old former pro football lineman from Arlington, Virginia, who has lost 120 pounds since his playing days. Jason is going to have a problem. You see, the men on The Bachelorette aren’t built like normal people. For the most part, they’re all massive. I remember I met Jed from Hannah B’s season. Based on the show, I thought he was built like a miniature horse. Boy, was I wrong. Jedd was a full-sized horse! The point is that the men on the show are so jacked that they can make a strong guy look mini. The same thing happened when I met Josh Murray. I looked like the “before” picture in an ad campaign for a protein shake. Now, what does that mean for a guy who just lost 120 pounds? A roller coaster ride of emotions. He’s going to walk into the house feeling great with his shirt tucked in with a huge belt buckle (the championship belt for any guy who’s lost a lot of weight). Then someone’s going to yell, “POOL TIME!” And Jason will see abs so sculpted and ripped that he’ll probably yell, “Anyone want hotdogs?! I’m grilling!”
29, Fitness Director, Fort Lauderdale, FL
Jay is a 29-year-old fitness director from Fort Lauderdale, Florida, who looks like a boy was being turned into a man and they stopped the process halfway through. Jay says that “nothing annoys him more than being on a date with a woman who is half in the conversation and half scrolling through Instagram.” I think that’s just called a bad date. I don’t think there’s this community of women who are defending their right to scroll Instagram during a date. Like, maybe Jay needs to take some responsibility in this one. Maybe his story about switching from Paleo to Keto wasn’t great. Maybe she pulled out the phone when he said, “I guess this is my cheat meal!” after ordering a burger. I’m just not buying that people act like disinterested executive assistants when you’re killing it on a date.
40, Banker, Washington, DC
Jeremy is a 40-year-old banker from Washington, DC. Remember when we all used that old person filter that made us look 80 while giving all of our facial information to Russia? Well, Jeremy is using that for his headshot. He is the oldest Bachelorette contestant in the history of the show. That’s either really fun or sad based on how you look at it. Like, you might say, “Wow, a banker who made some money, lived some life, and is still taking chances like going on a reality show!” And then you read in Jeremy’s bio that “during quarantine, Jeremy developed a love for painting and taught himself how to rollerblade” and it gets a bit sad. Like, imagine a 40-year-old man rollerblading home from his job at the local Chase Bank to paint in his apartment that has nothing in the fridge.
36, Anesthesiologist, NYC
Joe is a 36-year-old anesthesiologist from New York City. Joe’s bio talks about him working the front lines during the pandemic, and I love and appreciate all of the front line workers, but isn’t it still happening? Didn’t they tape this over the summer? I’m not saying Joe isn’t a good guy, but that must have been a weird exit. Like, “Hey guys, I’m taking a month or two off! Good luck with the global pandemic that still has no vaccine or really any end in sight! I’m going to find a wife on a TV show in Hollywood!”
26, Software Account Executive, NYC
Jordan C. is a 26-year-old software account executive from New York City. He says his older sister has never liked any of the women he’s brought home. Well, I don’t think winning The Bachelorette is going to change that. “Hey sis! Meet my new fiancée! She decided on me after having sex with myself and two other guys like someone trying out flavors at Baskin-Robbins. And, oh yeah, about a week into the show, the original woman I tried to date freaked out and this was her replacement!”
30, Cyber Security Engineer, Santa Monica, CA
Jordan M. is a 30-year-old cyber security engineer who is 6 foot 8 inches tall, likes to hike, writes poetry, and enters into “hacking competitions”. He also says that people his age “don’t have the same priorities” and they all seem to be “looking for the next best thing”. The whole “everyone is looking for the next best thing” is a very 2020 dating complaint that assumes liking someone means it should work out. Well, they have to like you too. And Jordan M., I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re getting a lot of first dates because you’re over six feet tall. Go look at the millions of “Do I like him or is he just tall?!” memes that exist by people who claim to be funny. I’m assuming the person who goes on the date with any tall guy isn’t pumped to hear your newest poem about a robot you coded into having a heart.
39, Boy Band Manager, Chicago, IL
Kenny is a 39-year-old boy band manager from Chicago, Illinois. If you’re wondering what a boy band manager is and why that job would take place in Chicago, then we are very much alike. Kenny’s bio says he “creates and manages boy band cover groups” and then the bio moves on to how he’s concentrated too much on his career and the type of woman he wants. Ummm, what?! Let’s take a step back to the creation of boy band cover groups. Imagine marrying someone with that job. I wish Kenny nothing but success, but I couldn’t handle the dinner time conversations. You have to hear about auditions and how he “really likes this kid Jason” because he’s got “that great pouty look teenage girls love!” And then you have to stop dinner so that he can take a phone call because the “Blumenfield Bar Mitzvah in Skokie is a mess!” and “JZ says they interrupted their final routine with a goddamn Weiner’s Circle buffet.”
38, Digital Media Advisor, Calgary, Alberta
Mike is a 38-year-old digital media advisor from Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Mike has a whole bio about being a nice guy from Canada that lacks any real honesty—he’s looking to find the right girl?! What?! He wants someone who’s trustworthy?! OMG! At one point it says, “After his last relationship, Mike put up serious walls when it came to allowing himself to be vulnerable, but now he’s back and better than ever!” And that’s how you know that Mike is the nice guy who is good at lying. Mental issues don’t just clear up like that. Nobody just wakes up and says, “The walls are gone! Let’s be vulnerable again!” The only way to be 38 and sexually active without too many attachments is to tell women a vague story about an ex who hurt you. Women are so open about this stuff that they respect the troubled past too much and ask no more questions and when their friends ask, “So what’s the deal with Mike?!” You say, “I think someone really messed him up, so we’re taking it slow,” while he’s telling the same story to someone else on another date.
37, Chef, Austin, TX
Page is a 37-year-old chef from Austin, Texas, who was featured in Food and Wine Magazine as one of 2016’s best new chefs. I’ve watched The Bachelorette for a long time and this is the best group of men that I’ve seen. For the most part, they have real jobs and ages that make sense for a guy to get married. Page basically has the character profile of a lead in a rom-com. Hannah B. had to choose a dog food jingle creator who came on the show already having a girlfriend, and Becca had so few options that she ended up with an Alt-Right sympathizer. So it’s not like the bar was too high for the producers. Page could’ve been like, “I’m pretty good at microwaving stuff!” and I probably would’ve felt the same way about this season’s cast.
30, Attorney, Long Island City, NY
Riley is a 30-year-old attorney from Long Island City, New York, whose bio says, “don’t ask him to go to a museum with you, because that’s not going to happen.” I love that. Men have no issues sounding uncultured. Not many women would give as honest an answer. My girlfriend claims to LOVE museums. And yet, not once has she said to me, “Off to the Met! See you in a few hours!” And I promise she’ll read this and say, “But you never want to go with me!”
No. No, I don’t. Because, just like Riley, I don’t like museums. I don’t want culture. I don’t want history. And I don’t want art! I want to sit on my couch and say horrible things about the dresses women choose on Say Yes To The Dress. And you know what? That’s exactly what my girlfriend wants to do, too! But Riley and I are the only ones willing to be honest about it. #Brave
31, Insurance Broker, Tampa, FL
Robby is a 31-year-old insurance broker from Tampa, Florida, who works at his family’s brokerage while splitting time between Tampa and LA. It’s always funny to me when someone is good at lying without lying. Like Robby could have the red pin with “Tampa/LA” as his Instagram bio and it would be “true”. But nobody “splits their time between Tampa and LA” unless they’re a professional athlete or they have a large OnlyFans following. And guess what? Robby doesn’t play for the Tampa Bay Rays, and he doesn’t look good in a Fashion Nova bodysuit. But that’s the beauty of the lie that isn’t a lie. None of us have the energy to look into his bicoastal life, so we all kind of accept that Robby is doing “well” and we’re kind of not. Luckily for you, I’ve sold insurance, and let me break it down: Robby’s dad sold a lot of insurance. Insurance contracts pay residuals to the brokers for the life of the contract. The goal of being an insurance broker is to sign enough contracts so that you can live off of the residuals. Robby’s dad sold so much insurance that he was able to make Robby the servicing broker on his accounts so that they could split those residuals. Now, Robby gets to fly to LA for a weekend a month and tell women at bars he has homes in Tampa and LA while buying drinks for them on a credit card that has his dad’s billing address. See?! That “📍Tampa/LA” can be VERY deceiving.
27, Lawyer, Morgantown, WV
Really tough spot for “Tyler C.”. He didn’t ask to have the same exact name as the most mastubated-to Bachelorette contestant in the show’s history. And here we are, looking at a Tyler C. that is not even close to OUR Tyler C. The one that invented the acronym WAP. The one that’s responsible for the increase in removable showerhead purchases last year. No—this new Tyler C. doesn’t really have a chance. I can’t imagine how this Tyler C. is dealing with the pressure. He should’ve asked them to use his middle initial, too. Just as a subtle nod to his lack of Tyler C-ness. He’d get out of the limo and be like, “Hey, I’m Tyler FC! Like a Football Club!” And Clare would stare back at him a bit confused and he would break down like, “I’M SORRY! I’ll never be him!!” Then he’d look directly into the camera and be like, “I PROMISE TO UPHOLD THE NAME. I WILL MAKE YOU CUM. I WILL MAKE ALL OF YOU CUM IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO!”
36, Music Manager, Georgetown, TX
Tyler S. is a 36-year-old music manager from Georgetown, Texas, who manages his brother, Granger Smith. I had to look up Granger and he’s a legitimate country rock star. He’s the type of star who would come on The Bachelorette for one of those special concerts, and I’d make fun of the people acting like this was a big deal. Then I’d get, like, 40 DMs from people being like, “THAT’S GRANGER SMITH!” as if I just made fun of someone for getting too excited about Adele. Tyler S. spends a lot of time on the road with his brother and says that “if he can’t show his mama a girl’s Instagram, then he can’t date her.” And I’d love to ask him “What about TikTok!?!” and then watch him laugh for a few minutes before abruptly stoping and getting very stern to say, “No, she better fucking bring it on the Tok. Ain’t no mammas looking at no Toks. That’s for big daddy Tyler.”
30, Medical Device Salesman, Daphne, AL
Yosef is a 30-year-old medical device salesman from Daphne, Alabama, who has a 4-year-old daughter. Yosef is the contestant that your Jewish mother won’t be able to stop asking judgmental questions about. She’ll be like, “Yosef? Is he Jewish? A daughter? Where’s the mother? Doesn’t he work? He’s from where? Alabama? What type of Jew lives in Alabama and goes on a dating show while his daughter lives at home?” Then she’ll tell you to look him up on “The Facebook” because “Ya nevah know!”
36, Addiction Specialist, Haddonfield, NJ
Zac C. is a 36-year-old addiction specialist from Haddonfield, New Jersey, who looks like a mid-forties version of Nick Viall. Last year, we had Peter, who looked like a 13-year-old version of Nick Viall. I feel like we’re going to get a different Nick Viall every season until the end of time. And the only person in the world who will love that is Nick Viall. I’m honestly angry that I’m still talking about him. He’s the Voldemort of The Bachelor universe. We’re going to have to deal with all of his horcruxes until someone finds the Sword of Gryffindor and finally chops his head off.
37, Cleaning Service Owner, St. George, UT
Zach J is a 37-year-old cleaning service owner from St. George, Utah, whose bio says the following: “Zach J. says that he has had a major crush on Clare ever since seeing her tell off Juan Pablo during the finale of his season. And while he is definitely excited for the journey to begin, he wants to make it clear that he is only here because he believes Clare is the perfect woman for him.” That season was more than SIX YEARS AGO. Nobody found that creepy?! A producer heard that answer and was like, “Awww, I hope you make it to the fantasy suite!” Only hot people are allowed to have crushes on someone for over six months without it being creepy. If Zach J. looked like the guy who brought your Seamless order tonight, you’d be calling the police saying that “HE REMINDS ME OF SOME BAD PAD THAI I ATE ONCE.” But Zach J. has a great jawline, so we’re all going to be cool with him having a crush on a very obscure Bachelor contestant who most of us had to look up online before saying, “Oh, the one that yelled at Juan Pablo! Wait, she’s 38? Wow I’m old.” Okay, just making sure I got this straight.
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Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin (32)
I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 34-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor. I love it so much, I live Instagram story every episode: @jaredfreid. As you can imagine, my father is v proud. V.
This is my annual preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for half a decade. When I first started writing this, Instagram couldn’t pay a person’s rent, and the thought of listening to an hour podcast from a former Bachelor contestant would make me want to cut my ears off. Also, ABC would only give me a picture, a name, an age, where the contestants were from, and a profession. I’d make massive assumptions based on that small amount of information, and that was my preview. Then ABC was like, “Let’s interview these wackos,” and suddenly my job got easier. Maybe too easy. The contestants would give weird answers and you could almost tell which of them were Instagram follower thirsty. The last couple seasons, they’ve changed it to a short bio written by an intern whose parents used $100k they found under the couch cushion to get them into USC.
So, join me as I make massive assumptions based on very little (now secondhand) information. It’s like sitting with me after eating Chinese food while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at what people wore on the red carpet. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram (@jaredfreid) where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night. Let’s have a fun season.
Peter isn’t the Bachelor we wanted. Bachelor Nation really wanted Mike Johnson to be the Bachelor. I did too—he was really good on The Bachelorette, and a black bachelor would freshen the show up a bit. But then it became a thing. The whole “we want Mike” song became performative. It had my-dad-voted-for-Trump-and-I-need-people-to-know-I’m-not-a-bad-person vibes. It was all just too much. It felt like the premise for Get Out 2. We were like, a day away from marches with white women crying while looking up between sniffles to make sure it got caught on camera.
So, we ended up with Peter because someone was like, “But what about all of those flying puns we could use for the promos?!” Peter is best known as the guy who had sex with Hannah four times in a windmill, a storyline that I still can’t believe existed on ABC. Peter is a fine choice. To be honest, Peter is probably the Bachelor because Hannah never mentioned that she climaxed from one of the four bangs. If she had cum four times, then Peter would’ve won and Hannah wouldn’t have been seen again. She would have gone back to Alabama quietly while she waited for Peter to fly home to give her “The Windmill.” But, here we are. Awaiting a season of Peter. Just a guy. Nothing great. Nothing special. He’s the human form of, “RIGHT THERE!! RIGHT THERE!! DON’T STOP!! DON’T STOP… AHHHH I WAS SO CLOSE.”
Alayah is a 24-year-old who just won Miss Texas on her fourth try. Yes, FOURTH. That can only mean Alayah is insane. Women in their twenties are almost oblivious to what the word “old” means. You’ll meet a cousin at Thanksgiving who’s like, 21 and she’ll talk about being a senior in college like she just checked into an old folks home. It doesn’t even matter that her recently divorced aunt is sitting right there crying while trying to figure out how to download a dating app. The cousin will loudly talk about her and her friends being “the grandmas” of the sorority scene and how “these college boys are so immature. They don’t even know how to use a napkin after shotgunning their White Claws.” Alayah’s grasp on the realities of being 24 MUST be way out of sync after four tours of the Texas pageant scene. I bet they called her name to come on stage this year and she put out a cigarette on her arm before muttering, “I’m too old for this sh*t” and rearranging the crotch of her bikini.
Avonlea is a 27-year-old Cattle Rancher from Texas who also does some modeling. WHERE DO THEY FIND THESE WOMEN?!!? I’m constantly rolling my eyes at women who are like, “I’m gonna go on The Bachelor!” You’re going on The Bachelor? YOU? Rachel from Livingston, New Jersey? The one who won’t go out on a Friday because her PR job is too stressful??! The one whose dad pays the rent but she pays for everything else? I’m sorry honey. It’s not happening. To get on the show in 2020, you need a life that could be the premise of a Hallmark movie. So unless you’re a former magazine editor who got left on her honeymoon and had to move back to her hometown in Bumf*ck, Middle America to live with a sassy mom and a cute niece who lost her parents in a helicopter incident, then you NEED NOT APPLY. Good luck on JSwipe.
Alexa is a 27-year-old esthetician from Chicago whose bio says she “made a big change” by moving to the city six years ago, after ending a seven-year relationship with her high school sweetheart. Women are so good at making normal life stuff sound like it was a big deal. You mean to tell me that you moved to a major city at 21?!!? Nobody does that!! And you broke up with someone you met when you were 14?!!?! UMM WHAT?!!?! Did you also have some years when you felt awkward around the time you were 13-15??! Are you an introvert who is sometimes an extrovert who likes to go on adventures?!!? I bet if you asked her “high school sweetheart” about Alexa he’d be like, “That chick who gave me my first blowjob? Ya we hooked up for a bit. Heard she’s going on The Bachelor.”
Courtney’s bio says she’s a “Florida girl through and through.” What does that even mean? Does she hang out in Publix parking lots while a guy in cargo shorts yells from an old Toyota Camry about his boat? A “Florida girl through and through” sounds like an insult. Like, you’d be at the beach and say, “Look at that Florida girl” and then your friend would chime in like, “THROUGH AND THROUGH” right before a leathery woman humming “Despacito” walked by in a Florida State crop top and a straw cowboy hat.
Sometimes these bios are just an eye opening look as to how far apart men and women are on the subject of relationships. Deandra is 23 and her bio says, “Deandra has been in one serious relationship in her life and is ready to find her forever.” There isn’t one 23-year-old guy on Earth who is “ready to find his forever.” The guy you’re speaking with on a dating app doesn’t even know what he’s doing next week. He started the conversation messaging, “What are you looking for on here” with the hopes that you’ll magically say, “To blow you, of course!!” He’s ready to find his four minutes at 2am.
Eunice is a 23-year-old flight attendant whose bio reads like she woke up New Year’s Day and coming on the show was her resolution. She’s called a “reformed party girl” and says “She left her sorority days behind her” and “she’s coming in with a clean slate” and “she submitted an audition tape after blowing the busboy at Denny’s.” I made up the last one, but her bio is a good example of how hard some women are on themselves about their own past. So just like this bio, they become vague and men always imagine a much worse scenario than the reality. For example, the bio also says “Her family has never met any of her boyfriends because they wouldn’t have approved.” That probably means she dated a couple of guys who ghosted. But I read that and immediately thought her parents are narcs and every guy she dates looks like the guy who touches his nose all party, and a handshake with Eunice will make my pee burn.
Hannah Ann is a model who lives at home with her parents. She’s also described as a “talented painter and loves to dabble in interior decorating.” No. Nope. If you’re living at home you can’t call yourself a model, painter, or interior decorator like that’s a real job. It’s like the people who put the red pin in their Instagram bio with “NYC|LA|Cleveland.” You don’t have three homes. You went to New York for an internship, took a trip to LA once, and you live with your parents in Cleveland while working the front desk at a Crunch Fitness. Hannah Ann is hot and maybe she’ll be a model or the next Picasso. But right now she’s someone with way too many Instagram followers because of some great beach pictures who likes to finger paint in the playroom her mom decorated with pillows from Kohl’s.
Jade is a Mormon who got married young and then divorced at 22, who claims to host the best game night in town. Jade isn’t winning. I don’t think Peter “I f*cked four times and probably didn’t make Hannah cum but she said it felt really good” Weber is going from 100k DMs to playing scrabble in Utah.
Jasmine’s profile reads pretty normal. She’s Vietnamese, so there will definitely be some sort of profile on her family and a tearful message about immigration on the first episode. The only part that gets weird is where it says, “Jasmine’s best friend is her golden retriever, Gnarles Barkley.” That’s one of those tidbits that you’d hear on a date and be like, “Lol that’s cute, I love dogs. But who do you really hang out with?” And then they’re like “No. My dog is my best friend.” And you’re like “Oh I know. I love dogs! But like, what person do you hang with most?” And then they’re like “OH SO YOU HATE DOGS?!” And you’re like “I just want to know if you have any human friends. This should be an easy answer. Just say a name. Wendy. Say Wendy and I’ll move on.” And then it gets quiet and the only thing heard is the sipping of drinks and you’re thinking, “I’m definitely not going to date her but I’ll still try and have sex.”
Jenna is going to do well on this show because she doesn’t really need the show. She’s a 22-year-old nursing student from Chicago. What’s going to happen if she gets sent home? Nothing. She’ll go back to Chicago and hook up with badly dressed dudes who think their Notre Dame degree is impressive. The 22-year-old students ALWAYS have the advantage. Nothing is hotter than coming onto a show to “see what happens” when a bunch of women are there to “find their forever.” Jenna is going to be like, “Ya Peter is pretty cute I guess” and then get into bed thinking about the TikTok she’s going to make while a 27-year-old contestant stays up all night wondering if Peter also noticed their weird hug.
Kiarra is a 23-year-old nanny who says she would pick napping over any other activity and is looking for “someone who is willing to find my car keys when I lose them once a week.” Let’s hope Kiarra does well on the show because this bio isn’t helping her nannying career at all. Oh, you like to nap and lose track of your belongings on a weekly basis?! Please take care of my toddler who needs ear drops every hour. I don’t think these bad habits will get any better when Kiarra gets 50k Instagram followers for being on the show.
The opening of Katrina’s bio could haunt any woman’s dreams for the next few years. Trigger warning!!
“Katrina’s parents are high school sweethearts that have been together for 40 years. Her younger brother is marrying his high school sweetheart next April, and her younger sister will probably get engaged soon to her serious boyfriend. Katrina’s the last one left and, according to her mom, Katrina needs to settle down soon because ‘her biological clock is ticking.'”
I’m sure a lot of you passed out at “younger sister will probably get engaged soon”, but you get the point. Katrina is 28, but I’m sure she feels 76 on this show. I mean, the last girl is a nanny who loves napping and social media. Katrina probably yells at Instagram on a daily basis and hasn’t slept since her mom bought her that dying egg countdown clock. Let’s all say a prayer for Katrina tonight and hope that she at least gets a sponsored post out of this whole thing.
Kelley’s bio says she’s a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man to take care of her. Then it says that she is an attorney at her dad’s law firm and you remember that she’s going on a TV show to compete against 29 other women for one man. So why don’t we stop with all the dramatics, Kelley? You could’ve just said you were an attorney and we’d all be like “wow, she’s not an aspiring butt model?! This is the type of woman we want to win this show!” But then you had to scream your feminism from a rooftop your dad pays the rent on, and now we’re all pretty positive you’re one of those people who take month-long December vacations while posting about people’s privilege.
Kelsey is a professional clothier in Iowa. My favorite Bachelor tradition is people taking their very normal jobs and dressing them up in a word that’s a lie. I actually had to look up “clothier” and it’s defined as, “a person or company that makes, sells, or deals in clothes or cloth.” There’s no such thing as a “Clothier” in Iowa. You work at a Dress Barn, Kelsey. You’re not a clothier. You help moms find the fitting room to see if the sweater with a cat on it fits. I’m excited for Kelsey to get booted from the show and start calling herself a “Remote Masturbation Assistant” on Instagram.
Kylie is an entertainment sales associate from Santa Monica. I don’t know what that job is either. Does she just cold call people saying that she’s selling entertainment? I’m going to assume this is what it’s like to be hot. You can just say a job that doesn’t exist and people are like, “Yup! You sell the entertainment! Sounds good! Now please let me be seen next to you.”
Here’s how hot Kylie is: her bio says “the last time a guy tried to kiss her, she turned away and blamed it on not wanting to ruin her makeup.” That guy didn’t listen to a word of the date. He misread the situation so badly that she had to blame her makeup to avoid kissing. He’s probably reading this bio in shock. Sitting at home like, “WAIT THAT WAS A LIE?!? Is that why she hasn’t answered the 15 times I DMed, “Hey!?”
Lauren’s bio says that “her father and grandfather have been great examples of what husbands should be to a woman.” This is one of those things that women say a lot without any admission to the fact that their dad and grandfather were great to her mom and grandma but probably an ass to someone else’s mom and grandmother. Right now there’s an 80-year-old woman reading that bio like, “Ricky!?!? A great example?!? That asshole took me to the school dance, told me he was looking to get serious, and then ghosted after we had sex. Ricky is a good example of a guy who doesn’t go down on a bitch!”
Lexi is a 26-year-old marketing coordinator from NYC who “believes that dating as a redhead is hard.” That might be the most hilarious way to make yourself the victim that I’ve ever heard. I just imagine Lexi at brunch with a bunch of friends and one is like, “As an Asian woman, I feel like I’m fetishized” and another is like, “As a black woman, I feel like I’m unfairly portrayed as being difficult” and then Lexi is like, “Oh you guys have it easy, I’m a redhead who has the financial ability to leave my job for a few months to be on a TV show! You guys could never understand!! Do you know how much shampoo costs!?”
Madison is a 23-year-old foster parent recruiter who says she’s “looking for a man who will prioritize faith and family before everything else,” and if she were stranded on an island and could only bring one book, it would be The Bible. Every season there’s a crop of “God People,” and it never makes sense to me. I just can’t understand how The Bachelor became a real option to this community. Like, the only way to find a good man is to go on Christian Mingle or on TV to compete against someone named Celeste who hates drama.
I just imagine Madison getting sent off by her church. She’s like, “BYE everyone!!” And they’re like, “GOOD LUCK!!! DON’T FORGET ABOUT YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR!!! READ THE BIBLE BY THE POOL!! IF A MAN DATES 30 WOMEN AT ONCE WE’RE COOL WITH IT BUT IF YOU EXPERIMENT WITH ANY OF THE OTHER FEMALE CONTESTANTS IT WON’T BE LOOKED AT KINDLY IN THE AFTERLIFE!!! BYE!!! GOOD LUCK!!!”
Maurissa is a 23-year-old Patient Care Coordinator who broke up with her boyfriend who wasn’t ready to get married, moved to Atlanta, and lost 80 pounds. To me, Maurissa has already won The Bachelor. Going onto this show after losing 80 pounds is the post-breakup dream. If I were Maurissa, I’d step out of the limo wearing a bikini and heels, put Peter over my shoulders, do three squats, and then blow a kiss to the camera. Then, as I’m walking away, they’d get a shot of my butt where, “Still Juicy Though” is stitched in glitter. Maurissa has already gotten enough DMs from guys who didn’t look twice at her in high school to make anything that happens on the show gravy.
Megan is 26-year-old flight attendant from San Francisco. Ok, that’s the third flight attendant this season. This is obviously because Peter’s a pilot and there’s some sort of unrealistic fantasy some viewers might have of him and his future wife flying the friendly skies together. The reality is that they’re probably at different airlines with different benefits programs that they’ve already paid into for a few years, so they’ll never see one another. But no! Some older woman in Wisconsin wants to say, “Isn’t that cute!!” So we got to try and ruin two people’s lives.
This is like when older Jewish women fix up any two Jews. They don’t think of personality matches or whether the person is even up for a date. Just “You’re a Jew, she’s a Jew, go make more Jews. Oh, she has a drug problem and he’s afraid of commitment? Who cares!! You both had themed Bar Mitzvahs at 13 years old, so it’ll all work out!!”
Mykenna is a 22-year-old fashion blogger from Langley, BC, Canada. Here’s a line from her bio:
“She is super close to her parents and is constantly inspired by her grandparents’ love, which makes sense, as they were together for 61 years and her grandpa proposed to her grandma on their first date.”
That job combined with the quote from her bio is just one continuous lie that we all have to nod our heads at. There’s no such thing as someone making their living as a 22-year-old fashion blogger without the last name Jenner or Kardashian. You didn’t apply to some blog and move to the fashion mecca of Langley, Canada to comment on the varying Canadian tuxedo trends of the year. You’re super close with your parents because you literally live super close to them, like the room next door. And grandpa proposed date one because there weren’t a lot of options in the woods of Canada, so it was between her and a caribou. Mykenna will do well on this show due to pure naïveté and delusion.
Natasha is a 31-year-old event planner from NYC. She’s the oldest on the show. I honestly can’t imagine going on this show after the age of 30. And it’s really not about 30 being old (it isn’t), it’s about 24 being really young. There are 13 women coming on the show who are 24 and younger. Above 30 and below 25 are two different species. Ask someone who’s 24 to give you a food or bar recommendation and it’s all about quantity. A bar with more people or a dinner that costs less money. Ask someone above 30 and it’s all about quality. A bar with comfortable seats or a dinner with a really good tapas selection. Going into a house of 13 people under the age of 24 who are talking about their love of travel even though the only place they’ve been is Nashville (where they spent half the time puking on Broadway in between sharing nachos) sounds like a 30-year-old’s hell. I wish you luck, Natasha. GODSPEED.
Payton is a 23-year-old business development rep who is very hot and has a bio that says, “Payton is not afraid of talking to strangers. In fact, she enjoys it!” Hot women who say stuff like “I love talking to strangers” are the worst to date. You’ll be out with them and suddenly they’re talking to the guy in line at the movie theater and you’ll be like, “What’s going on?!” and they’ll be like, “Meet my new friend Frank. He’s a pro bodybuilder!” And you’ll be like, “Umm cool.” And she’ll be like, “He does some porn on the side too but it’s to travel the world, isn’t that awesome!?” And you’ll be like “Nice to meet you Frank.” And the guy will shake your hand while holding eye contact with her and afterwards she’ll be like, “You were acting so weird” and end the relationship because you’re controlling.
Sarah is a 24-year-old Medical Radiographer whose bio says, “Sarah may be a Southern belle, but she dreams of a life outside Tennessee.” There is no narrative more played-out than the “Southern Belle” one. This isn’t 1932. She dreams of a life outside of Tennessee? Delta flies out of every major city in your state for $250 and the WiFi is the same in NYC as it is in the south. I like people from the south, but it seems like women use the phrase Southern Belle to make any normal thing sound more interesting; “Oh you’ve never had Chick-Fil-A?! Well this little southern belle loves her sauces. Northerners could never understand honey mustard!”
Savannah is a 27-year-old realtor from Houston whose bio says “used to have a cancer ribbon tattoo on her ribs, but removed it for the Houston Texans cheer tryouts.” I don’t know how that comes up in the interview. Were they like, “Hey, how far would you go for Peter?” and Savannah was like, “You know the disease that affects millions of lives around the world? Well I used to support that until it was down to me and a former stripper to dance during Texans timeouts for a hundred bucks. So ya… I’ll do anything.”
Shiann is a 27-year-old administrative assistant from Las Vegas. You start to understand why people cry on The Bachelor when you read Shiann’s bio. At one point it says, “Falling in love has been difficult in the past for Shiann because every guy she’s dated either ended up ghosting her, having a wife and kids, or liking her friends over her, but we have a feeling it’s only happy times ahead.” Why on Earth would anyone believe that it’s only happy times ahead?! Someone tells you that guys they date go for her friends and you’re like, “Well I’m positive things are looking up!! Just walk into this mansion and compete with 29 other women for this one guy who has trouble making women orgasm!!”
Sydney is a 24-year-old retail marketing manager from Alabama. Sydney’s bio says that she’s a relationship type of girl and her favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day and that her dream man will have a sweet tooth just like her. I think answers like those should disqualify you from this show. Has she heard of Thanksgiving? Your dream guy has to like cupcakes? What about someone who listens? Putting a relationship person whose favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day on a show where they put you on dates you’ll never be able to afford again is like buying your 16-year-old a Maserati. She’ll get to her first Tinder date after the show and she’ll be like, “WHAT?! No helicopter ride to a rose petal covered forest for afternoon champagne?!”
Tammy is a 24-year-old house flipper from Syracuse whose bio says she “comes from a hardworking family that immigrated over to Syracuse during the Vietnam War.” I can’t imagine their daughter being on The Bachelor was their American Dream. I can’t see them hopping on the last flight out of Vietnam, hugging one another while nervously crying about what adventures will come next as the dad whispers into the mom’s ear, “In America, our children can one day scream at a blonde girl from Utah for using her hair iron.”
Victoria F. is a 25-year-old medical sales rep from Virginia Beach who says she “loves a man who is in touch with his feelings and isn’t afraid to cry in public.” This is one of those things women say they like until it happens. Like, Victoria F. wants that one tear falling down a guy’s cheek that has just enough scruff to look like he could be the Brawny Man. She doesn’t want me messy crying while trying on pants that don’t fit at a Bloomingdale’s as a salesperson asks, “How are those feeling!?” All I’m saying is careful what you wish for, Victoria F.
Victoria P. is really hot. Her bio says something about losing her dad at a young age and her sister and mom having a drug thing, yada yada yada. But wow. Victoria P was hot enough for me to say to my girlfriend, “Look how hot she is” and for her to respond, “Ya. She’s hot.” When you’re hot enough for men and women to agree on your hotness, that means you’re a year away from two million Instagram followers. Women follow you because they like your style, and men follow you because they like to watch you but never like your posts. Remember this a year from now when you’re listening to Victoria P’s podcast called Vibing With Vicky, where she laughs really loud with other, not as hot, former Bachelor contestants about how hard it is to date in LA.
Images: ABC (31)
The U Up? podcast is heading out on a 20-city national tour this month, and just announced, U Up? Live is also a headliner at this November’s New York Comedy Festival. Yeah, it’s a big f*cking deal. U Up? Live is on Friday, November 8th at the Town Hall, and general admission and VIP tickets are on sale now. Other headliners for this year’s 16th Annual NYCF include Stephen Colbert, Trevor Noah, and Nicole Byer, and overall, the festival consists of more than 200 amazing acts at over 100 venues across the city. So basically, you’ll have major FOMO if you don’t go, and there’s really no excuse for missing out.
Cohosts Jordana Abraham and Jared Freid always bring the dating expertise on the U Up? podcast, and their live shows are no different. Whether you and your friends are in desperate need of some help in your dating lives, or you just want to have a good time with Jordana and Jared, you definitely need to buy your tickets to U Up? Live ASAP. Thousands of people have already had the amazing experience of playing Red Flag or Deal Breaker live, and you’re next.
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NYC U Up Live Show tickets are on sale NOW!! ⭐️Use code: CNYCF for pre-sale⭐️ @jaredfreid and @jordanaabraham are performing at the NY Comedy Fest alongside headliners such as @trevornoah, @nicolebyer, @stephenathome, @natebargatze, @seguratom, and more! LINK IN BIO! #makeNyLaugh @nycomedyfest @townhallnyc
Click here to get all the information and buy your tickets to U Up? Live at the New York Comedy Festival, and if you can’t make it to the show in NYC (I said no excuses, but whatever), here’s all the info about the other 20 shows J&J are doing this fall. They’re probably coming to a city near you, so actually like, no excuses.
Your favorite podcasting duo is back! Jared and Jordana of the U Up? podcast are heading out on a national tour, and they’re hitting more cities than ever before. Tickets are now on sale for 20 shows across the country, so you can finally submit your friends for the dating app makeover they desperately need. If you’re a U Up? super-fan, there are also a limited number of VIP tickets available in each city.
Here’s what you’ll get if you go VIP:
– A premium reserved seat
– Exclusive meet & greet with Jordana & Jared
– Personal photograph with Jordana & Jared
– Intimate VIP conversation with J & J
– Exclusive VIP U Up? tour merchandise item
– Commemorative VIP pass
Just announced, U Up? Live will be in New York City on November 8th as part of the New York Comedy Festival. Click here to get your tickets to the show at Town Hall, because you won’t want to miss it.
Tickets are on sale now for all 21 shows. Check out the list of dates below, and get your tickets while you still can.
WED, AUG 14 — Chicago, IL — Vic Theatre
THU, AUG 15 — Detroit, MI — Garden Theater
FRI, AUG 16 — Cleveland, OH — Agora Theatre
SAT, AUG 17 — Toronto, ON — Queen Elizabeth Theatre
THU, OCT 10 — Miami, FL — Miami Improv
FRI, OCT 11 — Orlando, FL — The Plaza Live
SAT, OCT 12 — Atlanta, GA — Buckhead Theatre
SUN, OCT 13 — Nashville, TN — James K. Polk Theater
MON, NOV 04 — Washington, DC — Lincoln Theatre (DC VIP Upgrade)
TUE, NOV 05 — Boston, MA — The Wilbur
WED, NOV 06 — Philadelphia, PA — Franklin Music Hall
FRI, NOV 08 — New York, NY — Town Hall (part of New York Comedy Festival)
TUE, DEC 03 — Los Angeles, CA — Theatre at Ace Hotel
WED, DEC 04 — San Francisco, CA — Palace of Fine Arts
THU, DEC 05 — Portland, OR — Aladdin Theater
FRI, DEC 06 — Seattle, WA — The Neptune Theatre
SAT, DEC 07 — Vancouver, BC — Vogue Theatre
TUE, DEC 10 — Phoenix, AZ — Stand Up Live
WED, DEC 11 — Houston, TX — White Oak Music Hall
THU, DEC 12 — Dallas, TX — Texas Theatre
FRI, DEC 13 — Austin, TX — Paramount Theatre
I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 34-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I love it so much, I live Instagram story every episode: @jaredfreid. As you can imagine, my father is v proud. V.
This is my annual preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for years. When I first started, Snapchat was just an app to see boobs and Instagram couldn’t help a person pay rent. Also, ABC would only give me a picture, a name, an age, where they were from, and a profession. I’d make massive assumptions based on that small amount of information and that was my preview. Then ABC was like, “Let’s interview these monsters” and suddenly my job got easier. Maybe too easy. The contestants would give weird answers and you could almost tell which of them were follower thirsty. The last few seasons they’ve changed it to a short bio written by an intern who had to find a way to write “influencer” thirty different ways. So, join me as I make massive assumptions based on very little (now secondhand) information. It’s like sitting with me at an outdoor cafe while we make fun of the people who walk past except I’m not on my fifth vodka soda and hoarding the french fries. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram (@jaredfreid), where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night. Let’s have a fun season.
So I can’t really remember a more hated bachelorette. Becca had the public behind her because she got dumped so brutally by Arie. Rachel was liked by everyone plus she was the first black bachelorette so that added a lot of positive social momentum. And JoJo was, and will always be, my… I mean, OUR queen.
The problem with Hannah is that she’s not “us.” And what I mean by “us” is that she’s not relatable to anyone who watches the show. She was the 2018 Miss Alabama USA. Come on. Beauty pageant winner is the least relatable person alive. At one point in her life someone was like “Your so hot we gotta make you compete against other hot people to see who’s hottest!” And then she got trained in the pageant world. So not only is she this gorgeous woman but now she has this really defined view on what makes good manners and class that none of us even know. You saw it on the show with Colton. There was one moment she claimed that she couldn’t handle a man she’s dating being with other women. Well Hannah, that’s literally the show.
It didn’t help matters that when she was revealed as the Bachelorette and introduced to some of the guys, she couldn’t even put a sentence together. She literally sounded like the Charlie Brown parents. We all sat there thinking “Didn’t she do pageants?! Shouldn’t she be good at all of this stuff?!”
So now we’re all kind of here thinking she skated by on looks and her pageant talent was communicating via weird noises that aren’t words.
Let’s meet the men Hannah will correct on how to hold a fork at a fine dining event.
Brian is a 30-year-old math teacher from Kentucky who calls himself a “pun and sarcasm enthusiast.” I really don’t like anyone that considers themselves an enthusiast about anything. Especially for puns and sarcasm. One minute they’re like “Are monsters good at math? Not unless you Count Dracula!” And you’re like “This is fun!” And the next minute they’re like “How many Jews are too many in this country?!” And you’re like “WHAT?” And they’re like “I’m sarcastic!! Everyone’s so sensitive now!”
Cam is a 30-year-old from Austin who does software sales. This is one of those bios that sounds more important than it actually is. Like he could easily say he “works in tech in Austin” at a bar on Rainey street and convince a girl on a bachelor party that he’s someone important. Here’s the reality, everyone in Austin works in software sales. Dell Computers was the first tech company to set up shop there and then everyone made some money and started spinning off their own companies. The women in Austin are rolling their eyes at Cam. They call it “Never Never Land” because the men don’t want to grow up. A guy saying he lives in Austin to work in software sales is like someone saying they got on a cruise ship to get to an island. Cam lives and works in Austin because nobody cares that you still rent at 30.
Chasen is a-27 year-old pilot who won’t win, but viewers will LOVE. The audience loves men with jobs they learned about in elementary school. But his name is Chasen. I can’t imagine a man over the age of nine with the name Chasen. It sounds like the name of a kid whose mom would yell “Chasen! Honey! You know you can’t eat peanuts! You’re allergic! Come here! Mommy has a gluten free lettuce wrap with sprouts! You love sprouts! Now come here and say goodbye to your friend Greyson!!”
Conner J is a 28-year-old sales manager from California whose grandmother says “deserves a sexy woman who is ready to give her grandkids.” That’s one of those statements none of us want to hear a grandmother say. In fact, when I read it, I imagined an old woman crouched over pointing at Conner J’s balls like she was a barker at a carnival. “Come right up ladies!! I’m gonna need you to be sexy and fertile for my boy here!! Gimmie those grandkids!!! Gimmie gimmie gimmie!!!” Was that Conner’s grandma or my mom at temple on the high holidays? I’m not sure.
Connor S is a 24-year-old investment analyst from Dallas who refers to himself as a “Travel junkie.” A “travel junkie?!” At 24?! That’s an insult to junkies. Was there a Disney cruise his parents brought him on that made him this so-called junkie?! Homeless people doing sexual favors for drugs didn’t get that way after one line of coke. They didn’t snort one line, turn to their friends and say “Welp! Time to dance on a piece of cardboard for the rest of my life!” You had a good time doing a semester abroad in an English-speaking country Conner. That’s it.
Daron is a 25-year-old IT Consultant from Atlanta who says he’s a giant teddy bear. I can’t disagree with that. Ever see someone you just want to hug? Like you’re out on the street and they’re a bit bigger and beefier and they’re in a puffy coat and you think, “I wish I could hug this person non-sexually and fall asleep in their arms for 10 minutes?!” Well that’s Daron for me. And guess what?! You can see Daron and I presenting our business “Bonerless Hugs” on the season finale of Shark Tank NEXT WEEK!
Devin is a 27-year-old talent manager from California. Imagine moving to LA to be an actor. You’ve given up everything. You’re take acting classes, working horrible jobs, and you deal with the embarrassment of everyone telling you how little chance you have of “making it.” Then you get a manager, his name is Devin, he’s got a weird part shaved into his head but that means he must be VERY Hollywood. It feels like you’re finally making headway. Your mom comes to visit and she cautiously asks how the acting is going and you confidently respond, “It’s great! I finally have a manager. I actually have to call him about our next steps now. I’m sure he’s got a few scripts for me to read.” Then you call his office and there’s no answer. So you try his cell. He picks up. He’s breathing heavy. He screams “HEY. I CANT TALK RIGHT NOW. WE’RE MUD WRESTLING ON THIS GROUP DATE! I’ll CALL YOU BACK!” Devin hangs up. You keep the phone to your ear. Your mom is looking at you. Wide-eyed. Excited. You say into the phone, “Sounds great. Email me the script.”
How dare you, Devin. How dare you.
Dustin is a 30-year-old real estate broker from Chicago. Dustin’s bio says the following:
The son of a single mom, Dustin says that if a woman wants to be with him, she’ll definitely need mom’s approval first.
The reason for this bio is that the key to sticking around an extra week is having any type of struggle. So we’re definitely meeting Dustin’s mom during episode one. And she’s going to do a teary eyed interview where she whispers “That’s my babay.” But it’s funny that this even needs to be said. Oh you’d like your mom’s approval?! I planned on bringing home my girlfriend and saying “This is Jess! You get what you get you old bag!!”
Dylan is a 24-year-old tech entrepreneur from San Diego, who has a boat and started a company where people can work out while giving food to those in need. Or if you’re a normal person you read that as “Rich rich rich, rich rich. Rich rich loaded. My parents have generational wealth.”
Dylan is so rich that he’s 24 and he’s about to take a two-month vacation away from his new business. A business that sounds like the idea of an idealistic third grader; “And we’ll have a gym. And it’ll have food. And every time someone does a squat a gumdrop will come out of their butt to feed the homeless!!”
Garrett is a 27-year-old golf pro from Birmingham, Alabama whose sister-in-law signed him up because she thought he had a lot in common with Hannah. It’s weird to get set up with someone but can you imagine your sister-in-law being like, “I have the best girl for you!” And you’re like “Awesome! Let’s see a picture.” And then she’s like “Let’s watch the whole season!!” And you’re like “What?!” And then you realize your sister-in-law had a baby and lost all contact with her friends and she’s so crazy that she thinks she has the ability to set you up with someone she watched on TV. So instead of finding his sister-in-law help, Garrett went with it and is now on the show.
So Grant is unemployed and his bio says he hates a bunch of things that the internet has decided it’s ok to hate (i.e. CrossFit). He also plans on calling people out. Grant came on for fame I’m totally fine with that. There’s two ways these guys go. The less fun way is when they act like they’re actually trying to get the girl and they get annoying and we all know they won’t win. The best way is when they act as an on-camera producer. They gossip. They wink at the audience during interviews. They pit two men taking themselves way too seriously on a dating show against one another for our enjoyment. I’m hoping Grant is a man of the people and creates some action.
Hunter is a 24-year-old pro surfer who lives with his parents and isn’t getting past the first week. Hannah just doesn’t seem like the type to hear that and even keep the conversation going. I can imagine her saying “Oh! A pro surfer!! Coooooool.” And while she was saying the elongated “cool” she’s turning and walking away while a dejected Hunter daydreams of a gnarly rip-curl.
Jed is a 25-year-old singer/songwriter from Nashville Tennessee and he might have the worst neck to head size ratio I’ve ever seen. He looks like a centaur except it’s part giraffe, part Jed’s head.
I’m excited for Jed to make it pretty far then come back next season as the band they freak out about as if they’re famous while we all sit at home and whisper as a nation,”Who?!”
Joe is 30 and refers to himself as “The Box King” because he works at his family’s box company (Honestly, Joe seems like the type to say “They call me the box king” and then stick his tongue out before whispering “Oral.”). Joe enjoys going to Vegas and club hoping. Reading “Enjoys Vegas and club hoping” on a dating app is worse to me than reading “Sometimes I forget to take the pill!”
I think this show might kill Joe. The last thing a club-hopping Vegas guy like Joe needs is 200k female Instagram followers. I have a feeling that five years from now we’re going to see a collaboration between Joe and someone from The Jersey Shore on a show called “Celebrity STD Club.”
Joey is a 33-year-old finance manager who claims to have spent his 20s having adventures. His greatest adventure is the path the barber took with the part on his head. I’ve seen this haircut a bunch and I honestly don’t get it. What does it look like when he wakes up? Is this really popular with geometry fans?! How do you even ask for this?! “Hey! Give me a line like the one on my ASICS sneakers!”
John Paul Jones
Ya John Paul Jones is 24 and goes by John Paul Jones and only drinks champagne. Judging by his bio, he came on this show to be the villain. He’s already doing a great job. His face is really tough for me to look at without clenching my fist. I honestly can’t believe that in 2019 someone who looks like JPJ is allowed on TV. I feel like we’re going to read an article about how someone felt triggered by his presence. The headline will be “Guy Who Looks Like The Mascot For White Privilege Is Triggering Students At Colby College.”
Jonathan is a 27-year-old server who says religion plays a “very important role” in his life. I have no relation to that quote. Nothing against religion. I just don’t know what I’d say if a producer was like “What plays a very important role in your life?” I’d be like, “Umm I don’t know. I guess it’s important for a restaurant to have those bathrooms that are their own room and the sinks are communal so you can sit on the toilet for a while without people realizing that you’ve been in there twenty minutes. And family. Family is important too I guess. But really that type of bathroom is the best.”
Kevin is a 27-year-old behavioral health specialist who helps vets deal with trauma. Kevin seems great. But there’s one thing about Kevin that seems horrible: it says that he’d like to travel more but he won’t go anywhere that doesn’t have an available gym. I can’t imagine traveling with this guy. You wake up to go to the beach and he’s packing up protein and lifting gloves into a backpack to go to a gym he found in the Dominican. You decide to have a couple drinks as he sits in front of you drinking water from a gallon jug. You say, “Skip the gym today! Let’s go jet skiing!” And Kevin’s like, “IT’S CALF DAY!”
Luke P is a import/export manager from Georgia who says he had a religious awakening in college. It seems like there’s two types of men on this season’s cast—religious, and someone who might spit on a church—without any in-between. It’s like one of the producers decided they wanted to see who would win: God, or everyone who has ever ordered bottle service at Lavo.
Luke is a 29-year-old political consultant who says he’s a tequila expert. I’m not even sure what that means. I’m annoyed by Luke. He looks like a toddler whose mom dressed him up for church. He also claims he hit on Emily Ratajkowski and made her blush. The whole bio is annoying. I’m imagining Luke at a bar in Adams Morgan telling his story about that time he almost scored with EmRata. He sips on a mezcal and then comments on the smokiness. The thought of it makes my blood boil. I want to follow him around and interrupt every time he brings up that story. He’s like “Ya, so Emily totally blushed” and I jump in like, “NO NO NO. Women blush when they don’t want to talk to you. She probably was wondering why a model for The Gap Kids was talking to her.” Then I’d walk out of the restaurant, get into my Nissan Sentra and listen to Dave Matthews until Luke goes to another bar.
Matt Donald is the name that this guy is going with. Ya, I don’t know either. He’s a 26-year-old medical device salesman who has deaf family members so he’ll definitely be signing “Nice to meet you” or something when he gets out of the limo.” If it were me I’d sign, “I just farted” and say it was “Nice to meet you” just to have fun with the people at home. But that’s just me.
Matt Donald (yes that’s his name) says he’s an old-fashioned guy. That should be the biggest red flag for women. Saying you’re an “old-fashioned guy” is the easiest way to lie to a woman. That puts it all on them to imagine what their version of old fashion means. He sells medical devices. He’s going on a tv show to meet his wife. He communicates with his mouth, hands, and a computer in his pocket. I don’t think there’s anyone less old-fashioned than Matt Donald (that’s his name). He’ll end up not texting for a week and then you’ll call him out on it and he’ll say he’s old-fashioned while he’s busy on a dating app. You know, just like the guys in the fifties.
Each season one guy has a bio that goes a bit viral and Matteo is this season’s guy. Matteo is a sperm donor who helped create 114 children. He’s basically patient zero for 23 And Me. What people are overlooking is why his sperm has been used so much. He’s a mechanical engineer who graduated from Georgia Tech (legit). He’s a good-looking guy. He’s exactly what all of you would choose from a book of sperm. His sperm gets you into college, graduates you at the top of your class, makes you hirable, and lets you eat whatever you want while keeping those bottom abs that create the V towards your groin. Don’t blame Matteo for being the perfect specimen. Blame yourself and your sperm nobody would ever want.
Matthew is 23, and his bio says that he works at his family’s auctioneering company. Then it says that he’s working on a real estate license. And finally, the bio says that he’d like to work at his family’s winery. So what the hell is going on? I’ll tell you. Matthew is a “waiter.” Not at a restaurant. He’s waiting on his parents to die so he can collect their money and stop spending his days looking busy. And due to that, we’re going to be seeing a lot of Matthew for the next two years. He’ll be on this show and then paradise and then he’ll disappear. If you ever look around three years from now and think “Whatever happened to Matthew?” Know that his parents passed away and he retired to their winery.
Mike’s bio reads like it was made to make a woman so hot that she slips off her chair. He’s an Air Force vet who has been to 30 countries and he wants to learn Mandarin. All it’s missing is that he’s a nationally-ranked cunnilingus giver. I feel like he was created in a lab to have sex with all the women.
Peter is a 27-year-old pilot. His bio is pretty normal. It talks about his dad being a pilot too and football and his grandma’s name is Rose and how his life motto is “you should live this life always expecting something great is about to happen to you.” And then wayyy at the end it says, “Peter still lives at home.” It’s almost like that was something Peter wanted to leave out! Peter needs to change his life motto. It should be something like “Live this life at home, where the rent is free, and mommy makes your bed!”
Ryan looks like every guy you’ve ever done coke with in college. I didn’t even read his bio. I just can’t shake this feeling he’s about to yell at me about his app idea.
Scott is a 28-year-old software salesman from Chicago. I swear he’s every guy in their twenties that I’ve ever met from Chicago. His bio says he likes to day drink on rooftops while watching sports with his buddies. Oh really Scott?! Do you do that in Old Town?! I bet you he likes the Cubs and goes to the HangeeUppee late at night even though he knows the place is a joke. Over the summer he gets a lake house and one weekend a winter he goes to a cabin. His family is from outside the city and he loves to tell people that Au Cheval is overrated. He used to be into CrossFit but now he’s really concentrating on Keto. Am I right? Oh I’m exactly right? Ok let’s move on.
Thomas played pro basketball internationally and now lives in Detroit. His basketball nickname was “Mr. Fourth Quarter” which is way better than my college nickname, “Mr. CumsQuickly ApologizesProfusely.”
Tyler is a 26-year-old general contractor from Jupiter, Florida. I love his bio because it so severely misreads how we would react. It literally says:
Don’t let Tyler C.’s good looks fool you. This stud has his MBA from Florida Atlantic University and kills it as a general contractor in his hometown of Jupiter, Florida
An MBA from Florida Atlantic?! Let me put on my makeup!!! Attention ladies!! The king of Jupiter, Florida is about to arrive!! Prepare your classiest Publix Sub order!!!
Tyler G is a 28-year-old psychology grad student from Boca. If I’m another contestant on the show, I don’t want a future psychologist walking around. I’d be afraid he was there as a mole for his thesis. Something like “The Lengths People Will Stoop For Instagram.” He’ll randomly talk to you with weird hypotheticals like, “Hey man! If Hannah were an Instagram story that got a larger than normal audience, is that something you’d be happy about?” And “Hey man! Do you ever lose feeling in your legs from pooping too long because of your phone?” And you’d be like “What?!” And Tyler is just like, “Just wondering. No worries.”
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I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 33 year old comedian who loves The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I love it so much, I live tweet every episode @jtrain56. As you can imagine, my father is v proud. V.
For years, I’ve broken down the contestants before the new season. When I first started doing these, Snapchat was just an app to see boobs, and Instagram wasn’t a career. Also, ABC would only give me a picture, a name, an age, where they were from, and a profession. I’d make massive assumptions based on that small amount of information and that was my preview. Then ABC was like, “Let’s interview these monsters,” and suddenly my job got easier. Maybe too easy. The contestants would give weird answers, and you could basically tell which of them were Instagram follower thirsty. This season, they’ve changed it to a short bio written by an intern who had to think of 30 different ways to call someone an influencer. So, join me as I make massive assumptions based on very little (now secondhand) information. It’s like sitting with me at an outdoor café while we make fun of the people who walk past, except I’m not on my fifth vodka soda and hoarding the french fries. Please enjoy and follow me on Twitter or Instagram, where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night. Let’s have a fun season.
So I told you that I’ve been doing this breakdown for a long time. Well, last season a lot of The Bachelorette contestants started following me after reading what I wrote about them. Colton was one of those people. He was especially good about it. But honestly, why wouldn’t he be? Look what I wrote:
Colton is a 26 year old former pro football player who had to stop playing due to an injury. He has a charitable organization that helps children fight Cystic Fibrosis and a dog named Sniper. Lastly, he dated Olympic gold medal winner Aly Raisman, and he picked her up over social media. This guy might walk out of the limo, hand over his resume to Becca, wink at her, and then get a BJ in the bathroom.
I’m not even exaggerating when I say that he might have the best resume in Bachelorette history. All its missing is a part about really enjoying his “How to eat pussy” class that he takes every Tuesday and Thursday and that nothing makes him happier than getting right back to texts. Is Sniper a yellow lab? If Sniper’s a yellow lab, I’ll blow him.
Ya…I’d like me too. I basically told an audience full of women that he was the greatest catch of all time and we should all go blow him without question. Was I right? Well, when I was in Denver, Colton actually came on my podcast. He couldn’t have been nicer. My mom would call him “a mensch.” He gave me a bottle of wine, came on the show, and I made fun of him for being a virgin. After the show, I literally pulled a crumpled fifty dollar bill from my pocket to pay him and he was like, “Donate it to my foundation!” Umm, what? I was almost annoyed that he made me realize I was a garbage person.
I’m honestly cheering for Colton to find whatever he wants from this experience. Now, that’s the question: what does he want? A following? A wife? A chance to have the greatest virginity loss story of all time–banging three different women in a fantasy suite over the course of a weekend? Money for his foundation? I honestly don’t know. All I know is that Colton has willpower. The guy’s still a virgin in the face of probably over 100k DM requests. I’m excited for Colton. I hope he has fun.
Alex is a “dog rescuer,” which is a really tough job title. Like, it’s hard to disagree with it. She saves dogs. Great work. But you know she’s unbearable. Her bio literally says, “she’s saved almost 5000 dogs from slaughter.” That line reeks of self-congratulation. Like, I wouldn’t want to spend five minutes talking to someone at a party who says “I saved almost 5000 dogs from slaughter.” Does she wear a cape? Were the dogs being held at gunpoint? Why is she counting? How selfless is that? Does she take a sharpie to her wall and put a line up every time she saves a dog? Is Superman taking six months off to get a bunch of Instagram followers?
It just says “Alex D, Sloth” which I guess is her “jokey” job title. This is a personal pet peeve of mine–hot people taking the things ugly people would be insulted to be called (because it’s true) and then calling themselves that thing to show they “get it.” Alex, you’re not a sloth. You get to the gym a minimum of three times a week. You’re going on a show that’s basically a Miss America for shorter women who might enter a fantasy suite on national TV that has a “We F*ckin’” sign written above the door. Gain 50 pounds and we’ll talk nicknames.
Angelique’s favorite TV show is How To Get Away With Murder, and her favorite actress is Viola Davis. I honestly couldn’t envision an actress/show combo that is less compatible with Colton, a white football player from Colorado. I imagine Angelique being like, “I’m loving How To Get Away With Murder,” and Colton being like, “Dave Matthews Band?” And Angelique being like, “What?” And Colton being like, “My best friend is a fan of Black-ish.” Then they’d sit on a couch in silence until another contestant asks if she can “steal him for a second.”
Annie is going to do well on this show, because she really has nothing to lose. She’s 23 and a “party starter” who went to Alabama. She also comes from money. How do I know? Well, during these divided times people have worked little descriptors into their lingo to try and tell people they’re not rich when they actually are rich. Annie’s bio says she “grew up on a farm” which is a classic evasive-rich-parent-speak maneuver. The bio goes on to tell us that she rode horses in national competitions and she’s from Wisconsin and she works in NYC. So, you grew up on a farm? Aww shucks! There’s no way Mammi and Pappi could afford to send you around the country ridin horses AND send you to school out of state AND help with co-signing for that one bedroom NYC apartment. Who will get the water from the well?! This girl is good and rich and will have not a care in the world during her six-month vacation. She’ll stick around.
Bri is a 24 year old model from LA. Her bio literally says “Her biggest dating fear? Farting too loudly.” The best part of that statement is the word “Too.” Like, it’s not the farting that worries Bri, it’s the possibility that one of the farts she plans on pushing out during this date might be loud enough to be a distraction. This is one of the privileges of being hot. I’m not even phased. Bri could get up during our date, put her ass right above our burrata appetizer, fart loudly onto it, then say “Just thought we needed some more cheese.” And I’d be like, “HAHA you’re so cheesy!” And then I’d pay for the dinner. Bri, this bio made someone with a fetish climax in their pants. Good work.
I’m going to let you read the beginning of Caelynn’s bio, and then you can guess the ending:
“Caelynn grew up in Fredericksburg, Virginia, and attended Virginia Commonwealth University, where she got her degree in broadcast journalism. She was named Miss North Carolina in 2018 and was the first runner-up at Miss USA. But Caelynn is not your typical beauty queen.”
Now, what do you think comes next? She fights grizzly bears? She just lost 550 pounds on My 600-lb Life? She eats? Nope. She once flew to Japan for a first date. Ummm that’s EXACTLY something I’d expect from a typical beauty queen. You mean a beautiful woman got a ridiculous amount of money spent on her so a creepy guy in Japan can maybe masturbate on her feet?!? I never would’ve imagined.
Caitlin is a 25-year-old realtor from Toronto. Canadians do well on this show. I think it’s because, for whatever reason, their connection between sex and relationships is different than American women. They all seem like they’d knock you on the shoulder with their fist and say “How bout a blowjob?! Eh?!,” then slap shot a hockey puck into a garbage can lying on the ground. One could say that Bachelor contestants are Canada’s greatest export to the United States, and I make that statement as a blowjob enthusiast.
Cassie is a 23-year-old speech pathologist. Speech pathologist is a job I didn’t even know existed until I graduated college. Then all of a sudden, every hot girl had a story about an uncle with a lisp who showed them the meaning of Christmas. Then you ask a few questions and you find out it’s one of those masters degrees that takes two years and they all get to work at a school and get summers off. It’s an underrated awesome job. “I’m a speech pathologist” seems like a “Whoaa who is this scientist?!” kind of job, when it’s really like “Who is this person that repeats words with a kid for an hour?!”
Catherine has the look of this year’s “hot villain who we will all follow on Instagram until the day we die.” Then you read her bio and you realize that’s exactly what’s going to happen. Catherine is a “successful commercial real estate agent” and “up-and-coming hip-hop DJ” who refers to her dog as her “daughter.” Catherine’s favorite author is Dr. Seuss, she’s a pescatarian, and claims she has no tattoos because “you don’t put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.” I don’t think there’s ever been a more hate-worthy bio in Bachelor history. Her bio could’ve been, “My ideal man is part Adolf Hitler, part Osama Bin Laden” and I would’ve been like, “At least she isn’t an up-and-coming DJ who thinks fur is murder but can’t help having some sushi!”
Courtney is a 23-year-old caterer who “turned her passion for cooking into a successful catering business.” I love how everyone going on The Bachelor is a “successful” something. What 23-year-old is successful at anything? A 23-year-old saying their job is as real as a five-year-old saying they’re going to be a fireman. There’s never a bio that says, “Courtney is a 23-year-old who sits at her computer all day blankly staring while wondering what the hell she’s doing with her life and if every decision she’s ever made was a mistake. That’s probably what brought her on this show!” Where’s that bio? Where are my mediocre Bachelor contestants?!
Some bios are almost trying so hard to be liked by men to the point that I hate them. Demi’s is that bio: “Demi grew up in rural Texas and is a proud country girl. She loves ATVing, fishing and watching WWE. She can also drive a stick shift.” Is this a a Brad Paisley song or Demi’s bio?! It’s almost like a porno written by a Ford F-150 owner. What was the next line? “And every Sunday I practice blowjobs on bananas before making it into chocolate chip banana bread. If only some strong man was there to eat it with me while watching wrestling!”
Devin is a 23-year-old broadcast journalist who says her greatest achievement is getting her Master’s degree at age 23…from Arizona State. Ok, I don’t think you came here to read about the college bubble in America but we can agree this is that bubble popping. To me, a Master’s from Arizona State is like graduating the sandwich school at Arby’s, except the piece of paper from Arby’s will get you paid.
Elyse is a 31-year-old makeup artist from Alaska who now lives in Scottsdale. I can’t imagine being a woman in my 30s on The Bachelor. You had your friends telling you to go on since you were 26 as a half joke. Then around 29 you’re like “It’s not the worst idea.” Then after the fifth wedding of the summer you’re like “f*ck it,” and you fill out the application while three glasses of wine deep. Now you’re 31 and you’re living in a house full of 23-year-olds eating and drinking whatever they want while never gaining weight. They complain about being the “old single one” in their group at home and when they realize you’re listening they say, “no but you look amazing!” It’s got to be hell. Good luck Elyse. I’m cheering for you.
Erika is known to her group of friends as “The Nut” because she “is a ball of energy” with “a great sense of humor.” I hate Erika’s friends for her. The nut?! Really?! You got a friend who is so single that she’s going on The Bachelor and you’re going out to bars calling your “friend” the same things guys call their semen and being like, “Ya that’s THE NUT!! She’s hilarious.” That’s who guys want to date. The girl that other girls call a “nut.” We’re all looking for a woman so crazy other women think she’s crazy. Can’t wait to see what that period is like!! Fix me up with The Load! I mean…The Nut!!
Sometimes they don’t explain things in these bios and then it’s all I can think about. Erin’s bio literally says, “Erin, 28, Cinderella, Plano TX.” Cinderella? How’d that happen? The rest of the bio says she works for her stepmom’s home improvement business. No mention of Cinderella or love of Disney or the character. I guess she works for her stepmom. Is she calling her evil? Did the producers ask what she did for work and she was like “Cinderella!” Then they fake laughed and they were like, “No really!” And she was like “I work for my stepmom’s home improvement company but keep Cinderella! You guys said that was funny!” And they were like “Umm ok.”
Hannah B was born and raised in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, and then attended the University of Alabama. Her parents went to Alabama and she’s the 2018 Miss Alabama. I can promise you a few things about Hannah B:
- She will say “roll tide” more than three times on the opening episode.
- She will have a montage on the opening episode where we go home and see her parents and it’s going to be a life that is unrecognizable to any of us normals. There will be a dog, and pictures of her beauty pageants, and a mom who’s gorgeous and not wearing leggings, and a dad who kinda smirks like he’s happy with himself for making a hot daughter.
- She came on this show to get a following.
- She frequently puts the word “the” in front of any minority or religion. The gays. The blacks. You get the point.
Hannah G. is a “Content Creator” with the following sentence in her bio: “She’s both the photographer and model for her burgeoning social media business.” If people are going to make money off of social media, can we at least be a little more honest? Burgeoning social media business?! How about “Hannah G. has a following that’s mostly men who frequently DM her something about the hardness of their penis but that’s a little weird to say to her parents so let’s just say Hannah G. is very lucky and frequents the gym.”
Heather’s bio revolves around the fact that she’s 22 and she’s never been kissed. I gotta be honest, I don’t really feel bad for her about that. Never been kissed?! What’s she missing out on? Meeting someone on a dating app, making out on a first date, thinking this guy could be the one, going on a second date, having them mention family and friends and how they’ve “never connected like this,” go back and have sex, then date for three months when all of a sudden they show up saying they’re “not ready for commitment” on a night you shaved and thought you were going for Italian with a parent meeting on the horizon!?! There’s a lot of girls who are nodding while wishing kissing was their issue.
I guess she’s Jane? I don’t know. Jane seems nice. The bio is actually the most normal of the bunch, other than the fact that she’s going on a TV show to get married. There’s one line that gets me: “She would choose her checkered sneakers over heels or stilettos any day!” Women have this thing where a whole attitude can be based on shoes. As if we’d read that line about sneakers and be like, “Oh I’d be friends with her.” You see it at weddings all the time. The bride will reveal sneakers under her dress and all the women will be pointing at it as if a puppy just nursed a kitten back to health. Even places are described by shoes. If you’ve ever been to Fire Island in New York, you know that every woman describes the place based on one fact: “You can wear flats to the bar.” As if that’s all you’d need to hear about the place. They should rename the island “Flats at the bar” so we don’t have to keep having this conversation. I don’t know. You probably all love Jane now. I do too. She gets it.
Katie is a 26-year-old medical sales representative who used to dance at LSU, and who now lives in LA. Well, she says Sherman Oaks but that’s basically LA. It’s always weird when someone hot moves to LA to do something that isn’t in entertainment. Like, why? Why do that to yourself? The beach? Go to San Diego and sell MRI machines. Katie annoys me. You know she moved there to get famous, but she gets to run around LA acting better than some idiot who moved there to act because she’s “in medical sales” and “lives in Sherman Oaks!” No Katie, you live in LA and you self-taped an audition to go on a show where you could hypothetically pick up over 100k Instagram followers and never work again.
Kirpa is a dental hygienist who works at her dad’s dentistry business. Can you imagine Kirpa’s dad right now? He comes to this country (I’m assuming she’s an immigrant considering she’s not “Kirpa G”) and becomes a dentist with his own practice. He has this beautiful daughter. He sends her to school. She works at his business. He thinks, “One day, I’ll hand this all to Kirpa and she’ll be an independent working woman who can marry a great guy and have beautiful grandchildren. My wife, Birpa and I, will glow as we watch her blossom and reap the benefits of our hard work!” Then one day over the summer this interaction happens:
Kirpa: THE PRODUCERS JUST CALLED!! I’M GONNA BE ON THE BACHELOR!!!”
Kirpa’s Dad: What’s The Bachelor!?
Kirpa: It’s a show where 30 women try to marry one guy! He’s a virgin who played football for fifteen minutes! He likes dogs!!
Kirpa’s Dad: *Boards plane back to home country.*
Laura’s hot and will stick around. I can just tell. She doesn’t have blonde hair so she looks different enough that we won’t confuse her with all the Hannahs on this season. She’s also an accountant, which shows you how hot she must be in person. Some guy was like, “Sure Laura, I’ll take over your accounting work while you go on TV and date someone else during the lead up to our busiest time of year! Good luck!! I’ll be here masturbating to your Instagram!”
Nicole is 25, and she lives at home with her brother, mom, grandma, two dogs, a cat, and a cockatoo named Popeye. She will not win, but I hope she makes it to the hometown visits so we can see Colton’s reaction to the whole family (including the bird) in one bed like the Willy Wonka grandparents. This is kind of one of those “hot privileges.” If Nicole were a guy or not gorgeous we’d all be like, “Oh this loser is living at home and now she’s trying to be famous.” But instead everyone is like, “What’s Nicole’s Instagram!?”
Nina has watched The Bachelor “for years” with her mom and grandma, and you can tell by what she had them put in her bio: “Nina was born in Croatia and moved to the United States with her mom when she was nine years old, fleeing the conflict there amidst bullets and bombs.” This is how you stay on any reality show. Ever notice how everyone on Chopped escaped a fire to make their momma’s frittata? I’m not saying Nina didn’t flee a war-torn country. But I am saying this sentence makes it sound like she was hopscotching a minefield on her way to the United States. This will get her an opening episode interview from her mom’s house, and she’ll tell Colton all about this with an American accent then magically have a Croatian accent while saying the word, “Croatia.”
Onyeka is a 24 year old IT consultant whose parents have been married for 35 years, after only knowing one another for two weeks. I CAN’T stand people whose parents got married after knowing each other for a blink of an eye. It’s all they talk about as if it’s a real option for everyone. They’re always the first to bemoan the current state of dating and how much better it was for their parents. Your dad stayed with your mom because there were three girls in the neighborhood and she was the one without the lazy eye. This wasn’t romantic, this was a numbers game and it always will be a numbers game. More options, more difficulty. Sorry dating is different and your dad never got the chance to have some random girl lick his butt because she’d never see him again and they were both curious.
Revian once flew across the country to meet a guy she met on the internet. That’s way crazier than going on The Bachelor. At least she has something to gain on this show. A following, some friends, an alcohol problem. But meeting a guy on an app because he was in your town for a business trip then continuing to text because “we get along so well over text” gets her nothing. What happens? What’s to gain? She shows up in New York where he gets a hotel so the girl he was “kind of seeing” won’t find out. Then they act like a couple for two days until she leaves after only cumming one and a half times and then he texts less and less until he disappears like a fart in the wind. That feels MUCH less fulfilling.
Sydney is a 27 year old NBA dancer who has never had a boyfriend. The “never had a boyfriend” girls are a TOUGH hang. I actually think never having a boyfriend in the hookup and dating world of today is totally normal. But DO NOT tell that to the “never had a boyfriend” girl. She’s going to bring this up at every turn. Want to go out on New Year’s Eve?! “Well, sure but who would I even kiss? I’ve never had a boyfriend.” Want to go get drinks?! “I’d drink, but how will I even sip a martini!? A boyfriend never taught me!!” Hi, my name is Jared! “I’VE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND NOBODY WILL EVER LOVE ME!!!”
Tahzjuan has a tattoo that says “I love bad ideas.” I love that. I think everyone who does spring break in Acapulco, dates a guy they met on Tinder who lives more than an hour away, eats Chipotle before a jog, and becomes a contestant on The Bachelor should have to get the “I love bad ideas” tattoo.
Tayshia is a phlebotomist, which I guess is someone who draws blood for a living. She also goes on missions and volunteers at her church. Sometimes you get a good vibe from someone’s bio and you want to scream, “NO!! TAYSHIA!!! DON’T DO IT!” And then you remember you drank seven martinis last night and we all have to learn from our own mistakes.
Tracy’s bio claims that “If she could be anyone else for a day, she’d be Beyoncé.” That’s how you know Tracy is going to be a villain in the house. People who aspire to be Beyoncé are the people who want enough money to never give a damn about what anyone else thinks of them. If Tracy gets a big following from the show, then you should expect her to write a book called Screaming Yass Queen While Not Giving A F*ck, and to have a personal assistant whose only responsibility is working a wind machine.
Follow along with all of Jared’s Bachelor thoughts this season on Twitter and Instagram!
Images: ABC (32)
Secret’s out—men aren’t always as confident as they seem to be on their dating app profiles. The self-proclaimed one-man version of Betches, Jared Freid, spilled the tea on our Diet Starts Tomorrow podcast this week. He chatted with us about what it’s like to have body issues as a man and how he deals with being self-conscious, hating workouts, and eating healthy. Even though he f*cking hates being healthy, he shares with us his experience of learning how to find a balance. Here are some of our highlights from the episode:
- Sometimes Jared just watches skinny people eat to see like, WTF they’re doing that he isn’t
- Growing up, Jared’s family ate dinner in six minutes, which is like, not so healthy apparently
- “I think every guy cares about his body image, but they’re less outward about it,” Jared explains, “I have looked at a picture and thought, ‘okay life is over now’.”
- We have to accept our bad days in order to be better at creating healthy days
- Jared became a sensation at his summer camp because he made a bet not to drink for an entire summer and everyone placed their bets on him losing
- Nighttime eating and drinking is the hardest: “the minute I have the first time bite, I’m in for the next hour and a half,” says Jared.
- Every body is an Instagram body, just put it on Instagram and it’s a body on Instagram
- It’s attractive to be a person who gives a sh*t and is motivated
- Guys are too cocky and women aren’t cocky enough on dating apps
- Nobody is 5-10 pounds away from f*cking you
Check out the full Diet Starts Tomorrow episode above to hear Jared’s full segment. Also, catch Jared on our U Up? podcast and his own show, The J Train Podcast.