Celebrities…they really aren’t just like us. “Oh, I have perfect skin from drinking lots of water and wearing sunscreen.” Bullshit. You get facials worth thousands of dollars and cake on La Mer. “I lost the baby weight because chasing my kids is a workout class on its own!” Oh please, you did two-a-day sessions with Kirk Myers or Gunnar Peterson and may or may not have had some lipo. But one thing that does humanize celebrities a little more? The embarrassing drunken celebrity hookups that they’d probably love to forget. And obviously, we’d love to remind them because sometimes those who have stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame should be knocked down a few pegs by doing a walk of shame.
Mary-Kate Olsen and Kanye West
Ever since Mary-Kate’s relationship with Stavros Niarchos ended and Ashley and her college sweetheart broke up, the Olsen twins seem to have a type: much older rich dudes that are….well….ugly hot would be sugarcoating it, right? Kanye West’s type, on the other hand, is a lot more bootylicious. So Mary-Kate and Kanye must have been super drunk when, reportedly, they made out at Kanye’s birthday party over a decade ago, because they could not be more the opposite of each other’s types. Let’s hope that drunken makeout didn’t lead them to the bedroom, because Kanye seems like the kind of guy who says his own name during sex. But at least we now know why Kanye rapped, “Prince William ain’t doing it right if you ask me. If I was him, I would have married Kate and Ashley.”
Paris Hilton and Jared Leto
Jared Leto seems like that guy who takes himself so seriously that he explains the *profound* meaning behind his tattoos even though you didn’t even ask. He seems like that kind of guy who will whip out an acoustic guitar at the most random of moments in group settings and start playing songs he wrote, coercing people into giving him halfhearted approval for his shitty lyrics. He’s that guy that closes his eyes and nods his head solemnly after he gives you unsolicited advice that is really just quotes he saw on Instagram. In other words? He has the charisma of a creepy cult leader, whereas Paris is so much like a Barbie doll come to life that she puts Tyra Banks in Life-Size to shame. So it makes zero sense that these two drunkenly made out at Sundance a decade ago. The only thing I can think of that these two have in common is that they were bonding over how they have the same hair colorist or facialist since they both clearly put in a lot of effort into their appearances. Hey Jared, I get my hair colored at IGK too. Does that mean I can drunkenly make out with you?
Selena Gomez and Orlando Bloom
The best kind of hookup is the revenge hookup. Okay, it’s not exactly healthy for the people involved, but that’s between them and their respective shrinks. From a gossip standpoint, though? It’s 24k gold. Miranda Kerr reportedly cheated on husband Orlando Bloom with Justin Bieber a while back. And that is just so…ew. Really? Sweetie, you’re more than a decade older than him and you’re married to one of the hottest B-list actors on the planet. I guess it’s true that when people cheat, they cheat down. Selena Gomez is no stranger to getting screwed over by Justin either, and she and Orlando must have bonded over that while partying at a Las Vegas nightclub, because what else would a Disney Channel star have to talk about with a man who’s 16 years older than her? They were photographed getting very touchy-feely with each other, and we all know there’s no such thing as a sober Las Vegas hookup, right?
Scarlett Johansson and Benicio del Toro
Scarlett Johansson is one of the most beautiful women in the world, and Benicio del Toro…has his angles where he looks kinda good. Everyone knows that, besides the Golden Globes, the Oscars are the drunkest night of the year in Hollywood. So of course, that leads to drunken hookups. Back in 2004, Scarlett and Benicio reportedly had a drunken hookup in the elevator at the Chateau Marmont. Neither of them has confirmed it, but neither of them has denied it either. We’ll have to add elevator sex to our bucket list, because a quickie like that sounds kinda hot.
Scott Disick and Bella Thorne
Scott Disick is pretty much always drunk, so that means every hookup with Scott Disick is most likely a drunken hookup. But still, how random is it that he hooked up with Bella Thorne? Scott Disick and Bella Thorne had a drunken tryst at Cannes last year. It was pretty obvious from the paparazzi photos that they were all over each other and #whitegirlwasted. Bella denied hooking up with Scott, but we all know that based on the photographic evidence, that’s probably not true. Why else would you be holding hands outside of 1OAK, the club where celebrities and desperate basic bitches go just so they can be seen? We can’t believe we’re saying this, but this hookup makes us actually like Sofia and Scott together.
Liam Hemsworth and January Jones
Remember when Hollywood’s golden couple, Liam and Miley, first broke up? We try to forget because they’re so perfect for each other. But this was at the beginning of Miley’s wild stage—you know, when she would dry hump teddy bears on stage, barely wore any clothes, and would not keep her tongue inside her mouth? Towards the end of their relationship, Liam couldn’t keep his tongue inside his mouth either because he was busy at a Chateau Marmont party locking lips with January Jones. The party was sponsored by Grey Goose, so you know these two were definitely wasted. They were photographed leaving together, and that’s when the news broke that Miley and Liam were over. We’re glad she forgave him for cheating with January and we’re glad he forgave her for Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Petz.
Images: Giphy (3)
I had a lot of feelings about Sarah Hyland and Wells Adams’ relationship. Feelings like, “Ugh, jealous” and, “They both love dogs—they are so cute, I love them,” and more recently, (since I follow both of the on Instagram) “Okay, that’s a bit much”. But most importantly, I felt that their pairing must be an anomaly. Because Wells is far superior to anyone that has ever been a contestant on The Bachelor franchise, so he should be the only one who will ever date a real life celebrity who is actually talented. But with the news of Nick Viall and January Jones’ extremely random pairing, I am legit worried that Bachelor contestants dating celebrities is going to be like, a thing.
Before I explain how this will ruin my chances of ever getting with Wells the show, I will say this: I am here for the whole “stars, they’re just like us” aspect of this sitch. Honestly, I feel really close to any actress that goes on late night television and talks about her love for The Bachelor. Like, we should be friends, girl. Let’s combine fantasy leagues. But A-list actresses dating the contestants? That’s just, in the words of Andi Dorfman, not okay. And let me tell you why.
Shit’s Just Not Fair
As if it’s not enough that the female contestants have to compete with 20+ other wannabe Instagram models gorgeous women for a mediocre man’s affection, now they have to worry about getting engaged, only to be dumped for a hot celebrity with way more followers than them? Like, what the fuck is the point of battling it out against the Krystal’s of the world when you know you will just have to fight the January’s once you get that Neil Lane diamond?
On the other hand, I would LOVE to see an all-Bachelor-superfan celebrity cast: Amy Schumer, Lea Michele, Jennifer Aniston, and Jennifer Lawrence re-interrupting each other for time with someone equally as lame as Arie. Brb, pitching the idea to Mike Fleiss.
Literally No One Will Be There To Find Love
The idea that being on The Bachelor/The Bachelorette can be a gateway drug to award show red carpets is dangerous for the franchise’s dedication to true love. I mean seriously—proof that they can get legit famous (by proxy) will only further encourage fame-seekers to audition for the show. The more ex-contestant/current celebrity couples we get, the less authentic the franchise will become. And if love doesn’t exist on The Bachelor, then does it even exist at all?
Jk, who am I kidding—the franchise broke up with authenticity years ago. Can’t wait to see Arie and like, fucking Brie Larson at the Golden Globes next year.
Listen to us talk shit about The Bachelor on our new podcast, The Betchelor!
As if you needed further proof that the times we are living in are trash, one of the worst Bachelors of all time and Betty Draper are dating. Nick Viall and January Jones have been dating for two months, according to Page Six.
The two met because January told James Corden on his show that she loved The Bachelor. Nick Viall took that as a sign that he should be creepy and asked her to do Lip Sync Battle with him. January declined because she used to have class.
Jones told Corden this whole story when she went back on his show in November, so, like, probably roughly around the time she and Nick actually started dating. Direct quote from January during that interview: “You don’t know if you like him or if he’s a scumbag, and I think that’s why I’m attracted to him, maybe.”
I mean, she’s not wrong. Also, that’s exactly the same way someone would describe Don Draper. Maybe too many years on the Mad Men set has her perception all fucked up.
The pair reportedly spent Jones’ 40th birthday together in LA along with some of her costars. That seems like she’s robbing the cradle, but she really isn’t. Nick is actually pretty old, 37. You just thought he was younger because he was trying to get it in with 24-year-olds when he was on The Bachelor. *Shudders*
You would think spending years working with Jon Hamm would elevate your taste in men, but I guess not. There’s probably a great reason Nick has been publicly dumped so many times. I can’t say I have really high hopes for this one to work out. January, don’t say we didn’t warn you.