Guess who’s back, back, back. Back again-gain-gain. Comey’s back, back, back. TELL A FRIEND. Y’all know him. He’s the former Director of the FBI, he was fired by some asshole our president, and he’s tall AF. That’s right, we’re talking James Comey. Tallboy Comey sat down with ABC’s George Stephanopoulos for a juicy interview, and let me just say, I hope they had some mops on set because the damn tea was SPILLED. The thing about interviews is that they are long and require you to pay attention (ew), so we went ahead and highlighted five takeaways from the interview so you don’t have to watch the whole thing. Or like, read a non-fun article. You’re literally so welcome.

Comey Compared Trump to a Mob Boss

Lol. Grab yourself a sweatshirt because Comey is bringing the SHADE. Are we loving my prop comedy in this article so far? Okay, great. Comey compared D. Trump to a mob boss, not in that he’s out breaking legs per say, but more so just the culture within his administration. Comey mentioned, “the loyalty oaths, the boss as the dominant center of everything, it’s all about how do you serve the boss, what’s in the boss’s interests,” and went on to say that this is what’s prioritized over what is best for our country. Dope. Comey says “mob boss,” I say “big, whiny brat with a small peen complex.” To each their own.

Comey Thinks Trump May Have Low-Key Obstructed Some Justice

Love when the prez casually obstructs justice. Comey can’t say for sure since he’s not investigating this, but he can say he witnessed Trump ask him to drop the investigation against Michael Flynn. Furthermore, Trump made this request after asking everyone but Comey to leave the room. Suspicious much? Stephanopoulos brought up that Trump denied doing this, to which Comey responded, “Yeah, well, what am I going to do? He did.” It’s like when you’re little brother would hit you, and you’d hit back, and then your mom would yell at you, and your brother would say you started it, but like, there was no way to prove he was lying. So yeah, dealing with Trump is like dealing with your five-year-old brother.

Comey Confirmed That Trump is a Certified Narcissist

Look, it’s 2018 and we all enjoy taking pictures of ourselves just a tad too much. But Trump takes narcissism to a whole new level. In the ABC interview, Comey talked about how Trump would break out into monologues about himself — about how big the crowd at the inauguration was, how great his speech was, how he never assaulted any women, and other lies things of that nature. The best part is that Comey clarified, “I’m sure you’re wondering what question did I ask that would prompt those? None, zero.” Trump goes on and on, defending himself against things that nobody in the room has brought up. There is a word that…it’s…UNHINGED.

Comey Thought Hillary Clinton Was Going to be President

Girl, same. Comey has been criticized a lot about how he reopened the investigation of Clinton’s emails towards the end of the election. It was messy AF, but Comey stands by his decision. He and Stephanopoulos discussed how Comey’s assumption that Hillary was going to win might have affected his decision making here. The idea is basically that Comey assumed Hillary would be president, and he knew if that were true, it’d only be fair and just to have her name cleared/have the public know the truth about her. Too bad things didn’t work out as planned. *Stares out window, watches the rain fall, and feels a single tear roll down my cheek*

Comey Thinks Trump is “Morally Unfit” to be President

Again, going to have to agree with the tall guy on this one. Comey suggested that it’s not Trump’s mental state that makes him unfit to be the leader of the free world, but rather his broken moral compass. Sometimes the answer has been right in front of you the whole time: Trump is simply too big of a douchebag to run this country.

Well, there you have it. I hope you have your air conditioner installed so you can cool off from all of that hot goss. Okay, I’m done.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

James Comey, the 90 foot tall (look it up) former FBI director and breakout star of the 2016 election, will be providing testimony to the Senate Intelligence Committee regarding his knowledge of the Trump/Russia connection. We’ve dubbed this the Trump Shit Talking Festival, and it may or may not be the hottest festival of the summer. Featuring performances by Vice Chair Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA), Chairman Sen. Richard Burr, headliner/former FBI Director James Comey, and a potential surprise drop-in from the president himself via Twitter.

It’s gonna be lit. But how lit should we truly expect it to be? Well, based off Comey’s written statement, we might be looking at Rihanna-at-the-Grammys-holding-a-flask levels. So what do you need to know? What do you need to look for? Don’t worry girl. We gotchu.

THE BACKGROUND:

In a statement released yesterday, Comey dished on three separate incidents in which President Trump asked Comey to declare his loyalty to Trump, to stop the investigation into former national security adviser Mike Flynn, and generally just acted like a creepy weirdo. We know this because James Comey kept allllll the receipts via detailed memos, which he wrote immediately after each and every meeting with the president. (NOTE TO SELF: Never, ever become James Comey’s ex. He WILL screenshot everything.) Honestly, as crazy as it sounds, you should just read the whole statement yourself because it’s crazy and only like 7 pages long so basically the same length as your average 2017 political Facebook status.

WHAT TO LOOK FOR:

1. Shade, Shade, And Shade

Despite the fact that he tries to maintain an air of chill, there is no way Comey isn’t totally pissed that Trump fired him. Expect some passive-aggressive digs, some general side-eyeing of Trump’s capabilities as president, and maybe even a “well idk why I was fired but it’s fine I’m great now. Better actually and I love my new boss.”

2. GOP Fuckery

Only 34% of Americans approver of Trump’s “performance” as president (Sidebar: can we really call any of this ‘performance?’ Like, can I say that I took a college-level math class even though I never actually showed up for said class? These are questions I have…), and all 34% of them are Republicans in the Senate (don’t check the numbers on that—I failed college math). Despite the overwhelming, insanely damning evidence against the president, expect the GOP to act like a girlfriend in denial about her boyfriend’s constant cheating and make every excuse. It’s honestly sad, and when they do inevitably realize that Trump is a fuckboy and they’re better off without him, we’ll all be ready with shots and impeachment papers.

3. Some Good News For Trump

While we’re all hoping for The Roast Of President Trump, you can’t forget that this is James Comey we’re dealing with, and James Comey is a tricky bitch. (SEE: 2016 ELECTION) It has been widely reported that Comey will do everything BUT accuse Trump of obstructing justice (low-key the charge that Nixon was avoiding) and that he will corroborate President Trump’s claims that he was not personally under investigation. We’ll probably find out that Trump got these details tattooed on his lower back by Friday.

4. Trump Tweet Storm

The president apparently reserves the right to live-tweet any and everything as he sees fit (honestly, same) so it is hard to imagine we won’t be hearing from the president during the three-hour hearing. I mean, it’s not like he could have anything better to do as president than sit in front of his computer from 10am-1pm. Honestly, I want to roast the president here but it is hard because I have been known to leave my desk for a few hours to shoot off some tweets myself. I mean, I’m not the president, but still.

5. “Lordy”

If Comey’s previous testimonies have taught us anything, it’s that homeboy loves to say the word “lordy.” It’s like like how women in their 20s use “AF.” It can basically be added to any sentence for emphasis. For example, “Lordy my previous misconduct has plunged the U.S. into a mess!” I’d say take a drink for every “lordy” we hear today, but that would probably end in an immediate blackout. 

On second thought, that’s exactly what you should do. 

6. Me, Staring Into The Sky, Wondering How I’m Supposed To Feel About James Comey

Is James Comey a friend or foe? I truly don’t know. On the one had, this is low-key his fault for writing his dumb letter about Hillary Clinton so close to the election. On the other hand, he’s our best chance at getting President Tweet out of office. Could it be that James Comey is both the problem and the solution? Am I high? I’m high. 

Sometimes, a news story gets so big and so scandalous, that even those of us who don’t pay attention to the news are like, required to know about it. If you’ve even glanced at Twitter in the past 48 hours, you’re probably well aware of the fact that President Cheeto Dust fired FBI Director/Guy Who Says “Lordy” And Cost Hillary The Election James Comey late Tuesday night. It was a move that made many people say “hmm..” and “wha?” and “wtf?” especially when you consider that three of the people Trump has fired as president, Sally Yates, Preet Bharara, and now James Comey, were all actively investigating his ties to Russia at the time of his firing. A fourth person Trump fired was Michael Flynn, who like, was literally working for the Russians.

Basically this whole situation is like a fuckboy with a wedding ring buying you drinks at the bar: shady AF.

But like, how did we get here? And more importantly, how can we make the destruction of our democracy more palatable, perhaps with gifs from a beloved Obama-era television show?  I give you, a timeline of all this Comey bullshit, explained by Parks and Rec. You’ll thank us this weekend when your hot step brother’s shitty beatnik girlfriend is trying to talk about this in the car and you can be like, “Umm well I think I remember Betches accurately and Comey didn’t say that. That Sessions guy did.” 

July 5, 2016 – Obama is president, Hillary is up in the polls, and James Comey says the FBI will not recommend criminal charges against Hillary Clinton for her use of a private email server. Democrats are like:

July 7, 2016 – Comey gets grilled for five hours by the House GOP for not bringing charges against Clinton. They’re like: 

October 3, 2016 – Law enforcement officials seize a laptop, phone, and tablet belonging to King Fuckboy Anthony Weiner, who was under investigation for sending dick pics to a teenager. AGAIN.

Law enforcement officials also discover the laptop contained emails from between HRC and her BFF Huma Abedin, who is married to Anthony Weiner for reasons literally no one can understand. Huma, if you’re reading this (and you are), you don’t need that clown because:

October 28 (A DAY THAT WILL LIVE IN INFAMY), 2016 – Comey sends letter to congressional leaders saying that they are re-opening the Clinton email investigation. All hell breaks loose. 

Trump supporters are like: 

Clinton supporters are like: 

And Comey is like: 

October 31, 2016 – Trump praises Comey, saying, “It took a lot of guts. I really disagreed with him. I was not his fan. But I’ll tell you, what he did, he brought back his reputation,” and unofficially inducts Comey into his friend group. 

November 6th, 2016 – Comey writes a new letter saying that they actually didn’t find anything new in the laptop, and would still not be bringing charges against Clinton. The election is in two days, everybody is fucking over it, and voters are like:

November 8th, 2016 – Donald Trump is elected President of The United States, with 46% of the vote and 53.5% voter turnout. It’s not a great day. 

January 18, 2017 – Trump tells Comey he wants to keep him as FBI director. 

March 4, 2017 – Trump tweets that Obama wiretapped him, mostly because Trump loves making shit up. 

March 20, 2017 – Comey confirms that the FBI is investigating any links between the Trump election campaign and Russia, and says that Trump’s wiretapping claims are bullshit. Trump is watching this like: 

May 3, 2017 – Comey testifies before the Senate Judiciary Committee about his decision to re-announce the reopening of the investigation of Clinton and her emails. He says the word “Lordy” like 50 times and claims it makes him “mildly nauseous” to think he influenced the outcome of the election. Nobody is having any of it. 

In this hearing, Comey also claims that Huma Abedin forwarded “hundreds of thousands of emails” which is like, a lot of fucking emails. This turns out not to be true. 

May 8, 2017 – Former acting Attorney General Sally Yates testifies in front of the Senate about what she knows about the Trump/Russia connection. 

This whole time, Trump is on Twitter like: 

May 9, daytime, 2017 – Trump requests a meeting with Attorney General/Racist Keebler Elf Jeff Sessions, and Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein and is like, “write me a good-ass letter about why we should fire Comey. Make it snappy. BTW we’re gonna say it was your idea.” 

May 9, nighttime, 2017 – Comey gets fucking fired. People who love democracy/those of us who have been watching The Handmaid’s Tale are like: 

May 10, 2017 – The Washington Post reports that just before being fired, Comey asked the Justice Department (led by Sessions) for more money to fund the Russia investigation. 

May 11, 2017 – Today is May 11th. I can’t possible know what’s going to happen today. 

So yeah, like I said, this whole situation is shadier than your cousin’s best friend’s molly connection, but don’t you worry. We’re going to be keeping a casual eye on this while thing via our newsletter, The ‘Sup, and will honestly probably solve the entire thing any day now.