I hope you all enjoyed your three-month furlough from The Bachelor, because it’s time to scurry back to prison, where we’re all forced to watch aspiring Instagram models who are pretending to fall in love blind us with their veneers for 2-4 hours a week. The break was nice while it lasted! And now that it’s back, so is the wall-to-wall coverage. And that coverage doesn’t just include the show itself, but all the stories that are constantly being written about it (hi) and now, apparently, a song about the former lead, Hannah Brown.
That’s right, country star Jake Owen went live on Twitter on Thursday night to reveal a song he wrote called “Alabama Hannah.” Subtle. It’s like if I included the Instagram handle of every person I shaded in these articles instead of the classy way in which I simply allude to how they’ve wronged me and then threaten to burn down their house. Now, many of you might be asking who Jake Owen is, and I guess that’s a valid question from you sad, sad people who haven’t yet discovered the beauty of country music. Since I’m so sweet, I’ll help you out here. Jake Owen is a country artist who is not as good as Tim McGraw, Jason Aldean, Luke Bryan, Eric Church, or Chase Rice. Got it? So Jake posted this video, explaining his new song and then singing it. Take a listen here, and then let’s break it down together.
Alabama Hannah (live from the barn)
— Jake Owen (@jakeowen) January 10, 2020
That was a lot. Let’s first talk about his preamble. Jake says that on Monday night his girlfriend had the new season of The Bachelor on and that all he heard about was Alabama Hannah. I understand how this could make him upset, when there were so many other cosmetically-enhanced chests attractive ladies on screen with important things to say! He also reminds us that he was on Hannah’s season of The Bachelorette playing “Made For You” in “Rhode Island or somewhere.” SURE, JAKE, pretend like you don’t remember where you were right before every 19-34-year-old woman in America added your song to their “future wedding” playlist *raises hand in shame*. He also says he started to feel for “this Peter guy,” because sympathy is definitely the emotion we should all be feeling for a man who has his pick of 30 beautiful women throwing themselves at him.
I would also like to mention that even though we are calling this a diss track, Jake specifically mentions that he loves Hannah, and this is not meant as a diss on her name, he thinks she’s a sweet girl. A sweet girl who he is just trying to capitalize off of, ALRIGHT?
Now, let’s talk about the song itself. I really liked “Made For You”, but does “Alabama Hannah” seem like it was written by an emo 16-year-old working through his feelings in his basement, waiting for his mom to finally bring him his Totino’s pizza rolls? I mean, it’s not the abomination that “Mr. Right” was, certainly, but I’m starting to think songs are best not written about Hannah?
And these lyrics! He’s literally just repeating what he saw on screen! I mean, sure, I’m doing that for an article right now, but I expect more out of people that aren’t me. Jake sings, “Well I guess you think you messed up since you see me moving on, thinking we could pick up right where we left off.” Well, at least we know that your brain can process images you seen on screen, because that is exactly what happened. And, I guess that’s catchier than a song lyric than one that explains Hannah signed a contract that mandated she return to the show for the sake of ratings. I also think those contracts probably mandate the contestants let Chris Harrison drink their blood to give him that continuous dewy glow of youth, but I have yet to confirm. If you have seen a Bachelor contract, DM me please. Jake also says things like, “Alabama Hannah lord honey get out of my life,” and “You had your chances, so won’t you leave me alone.” Ouch.
But also, like, this isn’t about you, Jake. Last I checked, Hannah was not trying to get with you. Relax.
Another lyric goes, “Girl this ain’t no windmill we can’t go round and round.” Et tu, Jake? You are also going to beat this poor windmill into the ground? The windmill is officially the new Stagecoach, and I feel for it. A windmill has a noble job. It makes electricity! We need electricity! We can’t watch The Bachelor without it! And now, it’s been reduced to the site of a sexual encounter between two reality stars who the world will forget in five years or less. But for the windmill, the shame will always remain.
Thankfully, Hannah has a sense of humor and bad taste in music, and tweeted back at Jake:
— Hannah Brown (@hannahbrown) January 10, 2020
That’s sweet! It is nice to have a song written about you, now in 75 years her grandchildren can listen to this song, and remember their granny fondly as they hear about the days when she f*cked in a windmill. Precious moments!
Whether this song is any good or not (it’s not), at least tonight we will get to see the dramatic conclusion of Hannah and Peter’s conversation on The Bachelor. Will Peter kick her out? Will the other women beat Hannah to death with a stiletto? Will anyone get her a makeup wipe? Time will tell!
Images: ABC/John Fleenor; jakeowen, hannahbrown/Twitter; thebachelor/Instagram; Giphy
We all thought it was pretty silly that Corinne had a minor role in some rap guys’ music video. Then we all thought it was pretty silly Corinne was in an awkward mascara commercial that also starred Vinny from Jersey Shore for some reason. But like, it’s Corinne, you know? It wasn’t exactly surprising that someone who made a name for herself by spraying whipped cream on her boobs also previously made a name for herself by acting strung-out in a rap video.
Related: Corinne Was In A 2 Chainz & Juicy J Video
But the real sneaky video vixen might not be Corinne at all. Dun dun dunnnnnn. In fact, our dear, sweet Danielle M. has been in not one, but two semi-popular music videos. I say semi-popular because they got a ton of views, but at the end of the day they’re country music videos. So, you know.
Anyway, in 2013, Danielle starred in Jake Owen’s “Beachin”. Of course, she has much longer hair in the video, but it’s still pretty fucking obvious that it’s Danielle. That video has over 18 million YouTube views, by the way—not bad for a compilation of every summer cliché cleverly disguised as a song.
Our girl Danielle first appears at around the 50 second mark, laughing and holding hands with some guy who’s decidedly not current Bachelor, Nick Viall. Danielle, how could you?!
Here she is “sexily” eating mint chocolate chip ice cream.
This has got to be the least efficient way to eat ice cream ever. How much mint chip can you really scoop up with your index finger? Why would you want to eat ice cream off some dude’s finger when you’re holding the fucking cone?
And in case you still don’t believe me, here’s our beloved Danielle M. walking down the beach in a bikini, looking lovingly at the male frat star of this video.
Is that underboob tattoo real? God, I hope not. There’s way more to this video, but I won’t go through all the major points because A) I think you get the idea, and B) this song is fucking terrible. It’s like, some country dude trying to rap about the beach, punctuated by some short moments of singing. It’s not pretty. But in case you want to subject yourself to the torture, you can watch the whole video below.
But that’s not all! Last year, Danielle appeared as the love interest in Cole Swindell’s “Middle of a Memory”. She’s more identifiable with her signature short locks and girl-next-door beauty. It’s actually a pretty popular song if you’re into that kind of thing. It has over 14 million views on YouTube atm. Let’s take a look.
Danielle M. is in the video right away—you go, girl. Good for you. She’s at what appears to be a party scene, sporting some unfortunate eye makeup and a slightly dazed expression.
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And here she is romancing singer Cole Swindell, who is definitely not hot enough to be talking to her, but whatever.
K I’m going to stop now because you get the point (and because I’m finding myself actually liking this song). There’s a surprise twist at the end, so I low-key recommend watching it (but you didn’t hear it from me).
Now onto the real issue here. There is no way this woman is a neonatal nurse! When would she have had the time, in between nursing school and like, delivering babies, to casually star in a bunch of country videos? I got a B.A. in Creative Writing because I’m a lazy piece of shit with no ambition, but my friends in the nursing profession tell me that shit is like, really hard. Not only is nursing school difficult—you have to actually study for tests, rather than taking an Adderall and busting out a literary analysis in two hours—but being a nurse is no picnic, either. When you’re on your feet all day dodging baby vomit, how do you find the time and energy to go pretend to be some redneck’s love interest? It’s just not adding up.
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Well maybe those songs are super old and this was before her neonatal career.” Nope. That Jake Owen song came out in 2013, and the Cole Swindell song came out in 2016. So she would have been well into her nursing career for at least one of these videos—that is, if she is really a nurse. I am no longer convinced. How is it that Corinne being a multimillion-dollar business owner is the most plausible career on The Bachelor?
Related: What Multimillion-Dollar Company Does Corinne Run? An Investigation
Now that I think about it, Danielle is weirdly really good in front of a camera and always rocks her best angles. We should have known something was up.
I was kind of rooting for Danielle M. because she seems genuinely sweet and “here for the right reasons”, but now that we know she’s a little hungry for screen time, my opinion might change. MMM maybe not. Anybody but Corrine, right?