Let’s face it, Mike Fleiss controls our lives. For approximately nine months out of the year we’re watching some iteration of The Bachelor, or reading spoilers about The Bachelor, or sliding into the DMs of eliminated Bachelorette contestants, or buying FabFitFun boxes with the code AMANDA for 20% off. No? Just me then? Cool. So, even though we’re still so early in Hannah’s season that multiple steroid users with mommy issues remain instead of just the one final steroid user with mommy issues, that’s not going to stop me from talking about Bachelor in Paradise. But not this upcoming season of Paradise—we’ve already got that covered—I’d like to talk about our couples from past seasons, because why not beat a dead horse!!!
Shockingly, Bachelor in Paradise has a not-completely-abysmal track record for couples. I mean, sure, the show hasn’t quite gotten the consent thing down, but they seem to not be utter trash at pairing up couples. So, in advance of the new season, I’ve decided to make a very scientific ranking of power couples that have come out of Paradise. This ranking is based solely on my personal preference (it’s my article, betches) and the couples’ Instagram followers, which we all know is the only real show of power these days. Without further ado, here is my Bachelor in Paradise couple power ranking!
7. Astrid Loch and Kevin Wendt
Combined Instagram Followers: over 800k
Astrid and Kevin may have more Instagram followers than some of the couples that rank higher on this list, but they live in Canada so that immediately gets them dead last. You can’t be a power couple in Canada unless one half of you is Drake. Plus, Kevin looks like someone disassembled James Marsden and put him back together wrong, which I find very disturbing. Maybe if these two move to Nashville, attend Stagecoach, and get a goldendoodle, then we can talk.
6. Krystal Nielson and Chris Randone
Combined Instagram Followers: nearly 800k
There is no way Ms. Baby Voice herself and a man nicknamed Goose are actually a couple, and I remain steadfast in my belief that this is a long con. WHAT ARE YOU TWO PLAYING AT?
5. Raven Gates and Adam Gottschalk
Combined Instagram Followers: nearly 1.3 million
Raven and Adam just got engaged and I almost completely forgot to put them on this list. So that’s not a great indication of power, is it? But sure! I’m happy they found love and Instagram sponsorships in each other’s arms! But Raven still better keep a stiletto close by, just in case Adam decides to cheat.
4. Carly Waddell and Evan Bass
Combined Instagram Followers: nearly 1.4 million
This couple was hard to rank. On the one hand, they have a large Instagram following, Carly has a popular podcast with Jade, and they have a second paycheck child on the way. On the other hand, I truly believe their pepper kiss was the monster in Bird Box. So they’re going to have to settle for the middle of the pack, just like Carly eventually settled for Evan.
A real thing Carly said about her future husband:
3. Kendall Long and Joe Amabile
Combined Instagram Followers: nearly 1.5 million
I ranked these two higher than they really have a right to be because I PREDICTED THIS PAIRING LAST YEAR. Usually I’m only good at predicting deaths (sorry Grams!), so this is a real coup for me, and all my friends and casual acquaintances can attest to the fact that I’ve not shut up about it for the last 365 days. So, for my own sake, I want them to be a power couple. And they are pretty popular—Joe rode his Bachelorette night one elimination right into appearances on Dancing with the Stars and Bachelor in Paradise, and Kendall is into taxidermy and people aren’t even horrified by it. If that’s not power, I don’t know what is.
2. Ashley Iaconetti and Jared Haibon
View this post on Instagram
Jared and my coed bridal shower #ad had donuts, hot dogs, sliders, and some great friends sharing stories about our past and giving us advice for our future. AND! We also got @crateandbarrel presents! It doesn’t get much better. Thank you so much for this night I’ll always remember, #cratewedding!
Combined Instagram Followers: nearly 1.7 million
I really didn’t want to rank Ashley and Jared this high, because you should never let the crying, snotting, unrelentingly pathetic terrorists win, but alas, even I can’t argue with their popularity. They have so much power, their entire wedding appears to be sponsored by Crate & Barrel, which I’m sure is a relief for her father who most certainly does not want to spend $100,000 only to see his daughter divorce her Applebee’s manager husband in a few years.
Ashley and Jared are also the stars of their own YouTube reality show, Rose Buds. Well, actually, I have no idea if they’re the stars being that I have never watched, will never watch, and am pretty sure the only people that watch are prisoners currently being tortured by the CIA. When you escape, let us know if it’s good, guys!!
An actual thing Ashley said to her future husband:
1. Jade Roper and Tanner Tolbert
Combined Instagram Followers: over 1.7 million
This is kind of a no-brainer. Everyone knows that Jade & Tanner are the ultimate power couple to come out of Bachelor in Paradise, because they’ve made the most money off of it. That’s how we rank power in America, right? They’ve got the most Instagram followers, she’s got a podcast, and they’re also on Rose Buds (again, I think!!).
Not only do Jade and Tanner have a large and devout following, but they’ve also been together the longest of all the couples on this list, almost a full four years! I mean yeah, I’ve had cups in my room longer than that, but for this show it’s not nothing!
And there are your Paradise power couples! I hope they enjoy it while it lasts, because I’m sure when Demi finds her prey—sorry I mean love—this summer, she’ll be coming for the crown.
Images: Giphy (3); astridloch, coachkrystal_, ravennicolegates, joeamabile1, ashley_iaconetti/Instagram
Would you like to know what I think while I’m chained to my TV by Mike Fleiss nearly every single Monday of the year? “Boy, I sure do wish there was more Bachelor.” KIDDING. I actually think “why do I willingly submit myself to such torture,” or occasionally if I’m feeling less homicidal, “oooh should I get lip filler like hers?” But never do I ever wish for more Bachelor. Unfortunately, Kinetic Content did not hear my cries for help, and have decided to give the people what they really, really do not want (I promise, we don’t want it!) in the form of Rose Buds, a new reality show that follows former Bachelor cast members in their quest for Instagram sponsored ads lives post-show.
PEOPLE exclusively confirmed that the alarmingly titled Rose Buds will star former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants including human tear duct Ashley Iaconetti and the Applebee’s manager she blackmailed into marrying her, Jared Haibon. It will also feature Jade and Tanner Tolbert and their ticket into the lucrative mommy market daughter Emmy, as well as Mr. Giggles himself, Dean Unglert, and my least favorite Bachelor of all time—seriously, I still get a shiver down my spine every time I see a turtleneck—Nick Viall.
Can’t stop won’t stop using this gif
The article quotes Ashley saying, “I feel like everyone loves seeing the friendships that form on the show, but we never get enough in the one hour and 20 minutes of air time…I think this is why people love seeing the alums together on Instagram.” Of course we don’t get enough of the friendships on The Bachelor, Ashley. BECAUSE IT IS A SHOW ABOUT LOVE! Well, actually, it’s a show about manufactured drama featuring the most TV-friendly characters that are only interested in fame, but is designed to make us all think it’s about love. But we’re just going to ignore that fact, mmkay?! Regardless, she is on to something. People do like seeing the alums together on Instagram. The key word there being Instagram. And that’s where you all should stay. Except Peter Kraus, who I would totally be fine with starring in like one gratuitous sex scene on Outlander, but that’s where it ends.
I do still have a few questions that the article doesn’t address. First of all, who was asking for this show? It certainly wasn’t me. I’m very busy with my letter writing campaign to bring back My So-Called Life, which I have been spearheading since 1995, so I don’t have time to DM random producers saying, “I’ve got an idea. Jade and Tanner’s recent Instagram ad except for longer. You’re welcome.” And while I see a few positive comments on Ashley’s IG announcement, I also notice that a lot of those are from other former Bachelor cast mates, not-so-subtly trying to work themselves onto this show.
So why these specific alums? And where is Jade’s bff Carly? They already have a podcast together and Carly also has an adorable child, who I’m sure she’d love to use (more than she already does!) to help her attain more money and fame! I can only assume the reason she’s not on this show is because America as a whole has not recovered from the slobber filled Carly/Evan pepper kiss, and refuses to put them back on TV. Small mercies. The show is also giving Ashley I’s sister Lauren another chance on reality TV, after she spent her whole time on Paradise unable to hide her disdain for these people. Lauren I, you are all of us.
In case you forgot that she looks like Ashley, only blonder
So what storylines will they be following on the show? PEOPLE tells us we will see Ashley and Jared moving in together prior to their wedding and Jade and Tanner preparing for their new baby. But based on this preview and literally nothing else, I will also guess that the men get spray tans together and someone accidentally sees someone else’s junk and Dean giggles about it, and that they will all go skydiving and someone will get minimally injured and Dean giggles about it. Finally, I am willing to give this show some props because it’s being produced by the team that does Married at First Sight, a show I love because I enjoy seeing people’s lives be more awkward than my own. It’s worth a watch, betches.
Rose Buds will premiere on KineticContentTV (what even is that?) on May 8th. So even though I claim I won’t be watching, let’s be real, I’ll go chain myself to my couch now.
Images: Giphy; ashley_iaconetti, laurenai/Instagram