Welcome back to another episode of Jersey Shore: Family Vacation. Last week was a giant cock tease for Angelina’s appearance, if you’ll recall. This week, Angelina has finally arrived to the house, and I’m ready for her to destroy shit. The girls greet her so awkwardly. I don’t blame them, Angelina literally bailed and tried to come back three times. It’s annoying. You obviously don’t like these people, Ang, quit trying to get in on their fame after the fact. I do appreciate how Snooki is beating the shit out of Ronnie for this when it was definitely Pauly’s fault. I guess things are usually Ron’s fault in this house.
Snooki: Angelina said three months ago how ugly I look.
Ok, so Angelina, Snooks, and Jenni have all purchased the exact same face with muppet lips. Soooo is that not just calling herself ugly?
Angelina now wants to bond, eight years later. Wants to bond or wants to sell Instagram tea? I’mma say she’s here for the wrong reasons. Is that a thing at the Shore? What are the right reasons for this show? Drinking? Angelina is claiming they don’t even know her. Like they didn’t do, what, three semi-seasons with her? Is she delusional?
Vinny: Right now, we’re watching a baby hippo, Angelina, get preyed on by wild hyenas.
K, Vinny is killing me with the accent and everything, he is pretty funny—
Vinny: And then Nicole is fucking her vagina—I mean, uh—
He ruined it. Also, it’s very, very strange to me how hard up he is for Snooki. He’s edging on the brink of the Ronnie-Sam obsession.
Jenni is finally showing some balls and is stirring shit up instead of just sitting with her grandma glasses in the corner. She told Angelina to GTFO, and Angelina refused. This is when the J-Woww I know would punch her in the face and drag her out by her hair. Instead, nothing happens. Motherhood makes people dull.
Ronnie: What do we do?
J-Woww: We ignore it like genital herpes.
Ronnie: No you take medicine for that.
I am not even a little bit surprised that Ronnie knows this.
Snooki is going on that she is not a Lego and she’s not Lego-ing this girl as she slaps her hands on top of each other, as if the gesture explains wtf she is talking about. It does not.
They’re going to have a Meatball Day to get away from The Evil Presence in the house. Somehow Ronnie falls on his head. I feel like this happens to him a lot. Oh, so he hits his head and then invites Angelina to Meatball Day.
Snooki: I have like a devil and an angel on my shoulder. ‘Noooo, give her a chance’, ‘No, she’s an asshole, kill her.’
Weirdly, these are exactly my thoughts navigating through LA traffic.
Angelina is now an EMT, which really scares me. Could you imagine having an emergency and Angelina shows up to save you? Also, Ronnie cheats on Sam. Ronnie lies. Ronnie fucks around on his baby mama. Ronnie can’t use a toilet. But he makes one comment saying Snooki got her lips done *which is a fact* and now Snooks is like, he’s gone too far? It’s good to know where that line is.
Snooks got a phone and is reading to Angelina what she said about her. So, so awkward. Here’s what it is:
“She’s trying to copy my look. I don’t really like the new lips, they’re not doing much for her to be honest with you. I don’t know what the hell that’s all about, but whatever.”
Angelina has a look that we call “poop face” in my household. It’s the face your dog gets when she feels guilty for pooping in the house. But I guess Angelina has matured, because she just apologizes and the girls move on. God, I miss the old days.
Nicole and Angelina are now pretend fucking on a table. K. Now they’re on the floor.
Back at the house, Jenni is pissed that Snooki and Ang are now lovers. Angelina to trying to explain how she apologized today, and Deena is just sitting in the background mumbling like the fucking Cookie Monster. Does she think her comments are helpful?
Ang: I admitted to everything.
Deena: Mrrrp rmmpp murrrr.
Yes, Deena, very insightful.
Deena right now:
Jenni reintroduces herself to Angelina as a gesture of starting over, which drives me insane when people do that, it is so weird and so fake. Just stop talking shit about each other and move on. What is the pretend introduction for? Jenni then scolds Deena because she keeps incessantly interrupting their conversation, and Deena is like, “I know I’m so annoying, I’m the worst!” and starts sobbing. I could not be friends with Deena. I guess admitting you have a problem is the first step.
Ronnie then violently shoves Deena into the pool. Is that not a drowning risk because she’s so drunk? Maybe she’ll find Sex Doll Sammi down there. Now Deena is crying about being pushed in the pool. She is soooooo dramatic. Also? I personally am offended by this, because when I talked to Deena about the new season at the premiere party, she said she was so proud of herself for being more mature this time around and standing up for herself. Like, wtf Deena? You were sloppy af and cried about nothing, but yeah, super mature.
Ronnie throws Angelina into the pool too. Idk why, but for some reason, that one I think is funny??? Nicole wants to know if Ang has ass injections. She shows her her ass. Not sure how this verifies anything? They don’t put the injections on the outside of your ass, right?
They call in some vitamin guy—is this a doctor? unclear—to give them IVs so they’re not hungover. I would love this because I hate drinking water. Nvm, there’s blood everywhere. I’ll just drink water, I cannot handle this.
J-Woww’s expertise seems to only be in lip injections, supervising adult male haircuts, and picking out engagement rings. She invites her friend to help Mike make a ring for Lauren. Yawn. Oh wow, that was the whole segment? So glad they included that. Angelina and Vin are arguing about whether Staten Island is trash. I live in LA, I don’t have an opinion on this. #CantRelate Pauly calls a family meeting because he accidentally pranked himself and Angelina is still here. That is fucking harsh. How did he expect her to leave? I guess via her hair by Jenni?
Okay, they’re all out to sushi and Mike is ordering literally everything on the menu. They even have special fat music playing the background for it.
Vin: Mike is auditioning for Man vs. Food.
That is my favorite game to play also, so fuck off Vinny. Angelina is saying she’s realized her mistakes blah blah blah, and Snooki’s like, “oh I feel bad because I like her, but also, she has to leave.” This is fucking mean to invite someone and then kick them out for no reason. It’s like a 7th grade sleepover where you think you’re invited because they like you, but really they are trying to make you fall asleep first so they can stick your hand in a glass of cold water. Jenni was voted to kick her out. I can’t imagine that will go over well. I guess we’ll find out next week.
Images: Giphy (7)
It’s happening guys, Baby Mama Jen is coming to the Shore. Oh wait, Miami. Whatever, she’s coming to see what the fuck her man has been up to while he’s been out of town. Ronnie is claiming he is v excited to see Jen, and yet he looks like he’s awaiting a prison sentence. At least he has Mike to relate to rn. The entire cast awaits her arrival by staggering on the staircase like a prom photo. Ron gives Jen a bouquet of flowers that still has the grocery store price tag on it. C’mon, Ron, class it up.
Ooooh, this is something I didn’t think of before, how fucking shitty is it of Ronnie to go do a TV show when his gf is this pregnant? She’s like, practically a single mom. He’s missing everything. I guess he really DGAF anyway, but still. I’d be fucking furious about that alone. Like, if you knock me up and force me to both get fat and grow a parasite, you better be getting me KFC at 3am if I demand it. Jen, why are you okay with this?
Jen: My nationality is like 80% Great Britain.
Oh, cool, okay, it’s because she’s a genius.
Snooki: Do you speak Britain?
She will fit right in.
Jen does not comment on the fact that Ronnie has a doll of his ex-gf in the house, and I find that disappointing. Wouldn’t you be like, what the actual fuck is wrong with you? I feel like that is really fucking disturbing, but maybe I’m not a cool enough girlfriend. I would not allow my baby daddy to keep sex dolls of his ex around. Call me unreasonable.
So Jenni is talking about how intense it is that they’re doing family dinner with “an outsider” and all I can think about is how strangely bug-eyed she is because her skin is pulled sooooo tight. Or maybe it’s because her eye skin doesn’t move? Idk, Idk, she just keeps giving me crazy eyes and it’s unsettling.
Pauly D & Vin eating while everyone is waiting to pray is me at every family holiday function. The awkward conversation afterwards is also every family function until Grandma gets hammered and causes a scene involving her love of Trump and hatred of minorities. K, Jenni, that’s your cue.
Ron: Hey, this is awkward.
Jenni: So like, do you guys want to get married?
Ron: *visibly cringes*
Someone just out him already, I can’t take this anymore.
Jenni: Ron says he’d rather pay child support than alimony, so I want to know if Jen feels the same.
Jen would rather collect both child support and alimony, obviously. Why else would you fuck around with a D-list celebrity?
I never knew Mike and I had anything in common, but his professing his undying love for funfetti cake just speaks to me on a whole new level.
FUCKING JEN blasts Mike by calling him The Incarceration, and it’s like whoa bitch, you’re stepping around dynamite right now, this shit could blow at any moment. Don’t provoke the bear that will ruin your relationship. Well actually, the relationship has already been ruined, but she doesn’t know that yet. Tell her, tell her, tell her! Everyone here is an accomplice to the crime by hiding this from Jen. Is that how it works? Let’s ask Mike.
Mike: PASS THE FRENCH FRIES.
Very subtle, everyone, great work.
Ron: Mike better be careful, I whipped his ass once, I’ll do it again.
So like… does Ronnie just have selective memory for everything in his life? Ron, the wall whipped Mike’s ass, not you. He threw himself into a concrete wall. Technically, he whipped his own ass while you stood there. But okay, take credit. Hey, at this point, let’s just blame that on The Wind too.
Mike is complaining that Jen came for him, like well, what else would they talk about? Ron and Jen obviously have nothing to say to each other. Pauly suggests the group writes Jen a note, like I’m sorry, that would be genius and hilarious. Yet somehow I feel like Ronnie would be able to talk his way out of it again.
What could make the situation more comfortable for Jen? I know, let’s bring her pregnant ass to a strip club! Tbh, the strippers are just mostly naked and barely jiggling their asses, like honestly, this makes me reconsider stripper as a backup career, because they make so much money and most of them aren’t really doing anything. I definitely could not be one of the acrobatic strippers, though, that shit is insane. Like where do you even hire Cirque Du Soleil strippers? Bitches, go to Vegas with that kind of skill.
Vinny is straight-up trying to molest the strippers, like I’m sorry, is your girlfriend’s Instagram fame not enough for you now, Vin? Also, poor Jen, could anything be less fun than being super pregnant and sober at a strip club while your baby daddy ogles naked, skinny bitches?
Me as a stripper:
Ron: THERE’S BOOBIES AND ASS AND BOOBIES AND ASS AND ASS
Jen: So like, everyone is smoking and I’m pregnant. Does this mean anything to you?
Ron: FUCK HER, SHE MAKE ME GO HOME
Ronnie is saying it’s sooooo hard being loyal and in a relationship and a responsible adult. Likeeee…. you never had to do any of this. You could have wrapped your shit up, Pull Out King. Jen is trying to convince him that staying in with her for one night is fine. Shouldn’t he be excited to spend time with her after not seeing her for weeks? Like how is she okay with this? She is literally convincing him that her company is not that bad. You deserve better, Jen, #justiceforjen and #justiceforkhloe, for that matter, because I’m not over that shit either.
Mike carries Jenni directly to bed—I need this kind of service in my life. Then they bring up Vinny humping rando strippers and Vin is like, “What, I didn’t hump her, I just picked her up via her naked ass.” Idk dude, I don’t think that argument is going to help anything. Maybe it was The Wind again. So he decides to call the ~InstaModel~ and tell her. Can’t imagine this won’t go well.
Mike & Pauly in slow motion: Noooooooooooo!
Mike inducts Vinny into the IFF: I’m Fucked Foundation. Instamodel roasts him for being stupid. What’s wrong with you, Vin?
The crew is headed to the beach. Vinny says he loves “clean fun” as much as “dirty fun”, and I think he’s referring to the beach, but like, is he forgetting this is Miami and the water is brown? It’s def not clean. The girls are too ashamed of their mom bods (and yet somehow Deena too?) to go to the beach, are you fucking kidding me? Snooki, what have you become? You were the Queen of Poofs and DGAFs. Who gives a fuck what Us Weekly says? I highly doubt they say anything complimentary about you people regardless. It’s 2018, body shaming is out, guys.
The girls are sad because they actually really like Jen and it’s like Sam and Ron all over again. Yeah I mean, that’s what happens when you date a POS. This is a very poorly planned beach day, like it’s cloudy and sad out and no one even got a tan. The girls round up Jen to ride with them and so of course she asks about Ron.
Jen: Ron is the best!
Girls: He’s going to be a great dad!
Jen: He takes care of me!
Girls: He’s a good guy!
Jen: Has he been good?
That’s what you guys get for lying. They all kind of mutter “uh yep,” and Snooki very sarcastically says, “He’s been greaaaaaaaaaaaat!” but I don’t think Jen understands sarcasm so Ron is still safe.
Ron: TONIGHT I TAKE JEN TO NICE RESTAURANT HOPEFULLY IT WON’T SUCK BUT IT PROBS WILL
Why did Ron invite Jen to visit if he’s so disappointed by her presence? If she hadn’t already dumped his ass from watching previous episodes, she definitely would have by now. So Jen suggests getting in the Jacuzzi when they get back and I’m sorry, I know literally nothing about babies, and even I know you can’t use a Jacuzzi when you’re pregnant. Jen, you’re going to cook what little brain cells your kid has.
Ooh, what an interesting turn of events, she’s asking Ron if he’s used the Jacuzzi and what they did in it? Does Jen actually know something? That is weirdly very specific, like she’s been waiting to find a way to bring it up. Maybe not bring it up via threatening to cook your child, but v v interesting.
Ron: I NOT SURE IF JEN IS THE ONE BC SAM IS THE ONE
Like yeah, I would say if you’ve cheated and confessed your love to your ex, you’re probs not super into Jen. But that is just my expert opinion.
Back at the club, Pauly is following Vin around and announcing that he’s cheating. Way to keep him honest.
Vinny: I’m on thin ice for making a joke about saving a stripper.
What is wrong with men??? That is definitely NOT what the problem was. How is he this dense? Pauly takes a picture of Vin’s “Explanation Face” and is showing everyone his shame. Why is Vinny even in a relationship? He has never even mentioned the Instamodel and his mom still cooks for him. Vin is making his sad Explanation Face while once again getting reamed out by the Instamodel while wearing the iPad on a chain with his Explanation Face photo on it. It’s basically Inception at this point. Also? Why do you keep calling her, Vin? She obvi does not enjoy speaking to you. Maybe Vin should not try to fuck randos? Girlfriends tend to not like that.
Jen is leaving and asks Ron not to bring girls home anymore.
Women can be so unreasonable. Ron thinks it’s better for Jen to find out about his cheating on TV than by telling her. Yeah, that’s totally not humiliating. Great work, everyone.
Vin calls his mom and tells her he’s constantly in trouble with Instamodel and his mom literally is like, “don’t tell that bitch shit, outta sight outta mind.” She must be thrilled her son is dating someone whose only goals are to take pics of her own face.
Vin’s Mom: You can fuck other women as long as it’s not intentional.
Ronnie and Vin’s mom have very similar morals. Ronnie is saying he loves Jen but she’s ruining his life by not allowing him to fuck around. Sounds like true love to me. It’s what every woman dreams of. Fuck, now Ron is saying he barely knows her. Harsh. Now Ron is saying he didn’t even do anything, #mansplaining for the win. Pauly’s WTF face is all of us right now. Jenni is going for him, saying he’s the same person he was nine years ago.
Jenni: For Ron’s baby to be a month or two old when Jen finds out, she’ll kill him and bury him on her property.
Close Jenni, she actually just roasted him all over social media, but for someone as fame hungry as Ron, it’s basically social suicide. Can’t wait to see how the IFF club fucks up again next week!
Sam after realizing how close she was to this being her:
Images: Giphy (7)
Here we are, friends, Jersey Shore: Family Vacation episode 5. Did Ronnie fuck the Russian hooker? I’m going to say yes and he’s going to lie about it. He’s v v charming, and by charming, I mean repulsive lying pig, so his decisions will be in character.
Aw look, Pauly is Ron’s conscience. Except Pauly’s saying Ron “doesn’t want to do this”, and yet he very clearly does.
Ronnie still licking the hooker’s face: “We’re just taaaaaaaaaaaaaalking.”
Is Ronnie somehow unaware he is on camera? He literally just told the girl (as he’s walking her out) that “believe me, I wanted to finish.” Like, the fuck. You’re being recorded. Am I not being clear? YOU ARE BEING RECORDED. Your baby mama is going to watch this and unfortunately she’s stuck with you forever. Or like, at least the next 18 years. Don’t have children, people.
Ronnie is complaining that he isn’t ready for marriage or for relationships, like SPOILERS dude, you actually do not have to do these things. If you want to fuck around, do it. Just use protection and don’t tell someone you’re committed. Better yet, get a vasectomy. Is this somehow difficult to understand? What the fuck.
Ohhhhh my God, is this woman still with Ronnie? Is she? Particularly after tonight? He just cheated and now he’s talking shit that she’s not the one, he doesn’t love her, etc. Ronnie just admitted he wants to be with Sam. Jesus, take the wheel. Also? Btw? He isn’t with Sam because he cheated on her multiple times. So he was with who he is now saying is the love of his life and he still cheated. That means he’s just a piece of shit.
Jen, serious talk here. I know you’re Ronnie’s baby mama. I know you want help with this kid. But he is a fucking moron. Run, bitch, run. I should be a marital counselor. I cannot believe people are even this dumb.
Oh shit, I forgot about the girl who threw up on the couch. She’s still there and she’s still throwing up. Guess she didn’t make it to class. Should they like… alert someone?
Snooki: Let’s drink and watch the sunset!
I was like, what, how late did you guys sleep? BUT NO, she means sunrise. They are getting shitfaced at 8am. Go to bed, children. Oh. Oh nope. They’re going into the ocean. What better to do when you’re drunk besides drown and die?
Ronnie: I’m just going to cancel cable so Jen can’t see me confess my love to my ex-girlfriend who also hates me for cheating on her, and say I don’t love her, and say I wouldn’t be with her if I didn’t knock her up, or hookup with another girl solely because she was naked.
Cable is clearly the problem, you problem solver you.
Why does Jenni sound like an old lady smoker? Her entire aesthetic is very off. I can’t get used to it.
How, HOW are Snooks and Ron still standing? They look insane and they are now harassing children while so drunk and falling over. I really love Ron looking so miserable with his ridiculous party balloon hat. Now he’s looking pensively at the balloon hat. Can you just hear the producers? “Hey, look at the balloon hat like you’re contemplating your bleak future.” Just kidding, I’m sure they don’t say words with more than two syllables to Ron.
Sammi isn’t even here and somehow the entire season so far is still about Ronnie and Sam.
Weirdly enough, when Vin and Pauly talk about how bad Snooks and Ron smell when they roll in at noon, I actually already pictured how bad they smelled. They just look like they smell horrible. Let’s be real, Ronnie always kind of looks like that.
Ron: I’m calling Jen rn because I possibly disrespected her.
Okay, what happened to Ronnie calling Jen? Now he’s in the living room basically telling Yo Mama jokes to Mike. Guys, none of this is interesting, let’s get to the point.
This yacht is way too chic for Jersey guidos, like they’re supposed to be peeing on the floor of shitty clubs, not doing bougie shit. I don’t need to watch rich people being rich, I live in LA.
Deena: Vinny looks like a little petite girl.
HE FUCKING DOES, Deena! I forgot you were even here. Vin, I say this every time, but please start eating carbs again. You are sooo skinny and so tired looking. It’s like guido Edward Cullen.
Mike wants to propose to his gf because she’s stood by him through everything. He really should because I don’t know many girls who would let someone dump her to go on a TV show where he fucked a bunch of girls, become a drug addict, and then commit fraud, and maybe go to prison, and she still doesn’t think she can do better? Who did she turn down? The only woman sadder than this is Jen.
What I want to know is how did it take this long for the guys to realize that they are famous and are followed by paparazzi and fans and that people will be taking pictures? Obviously there are pictures of you groping Nipple Girl, Ron. Of course Jen is probably stalking the shit out of you. I’m actually a little proud that she’s ignoring his calls. She does have a little self-respect!
Ronnie: If it’s done, it sucks because we’ve put so much effort in. Like, I was putting in so much effort for her to not find out about my cheating. Or my love for Sam. It was just so much effort.
Mike: He shouldn’t have done the crime if he can’t do the time.
Mike: Oh fuck, I should not have said that.
Men taking responsibility for their FUCKING ACTIONS. It’s a thing, guys, look into it.
I love that Ronnie decided it’s probably over, so he might as well fuck someone tonight. Amazing. Amazing logic.
Sidenote, I do really enjoy calling Mike “The Incarceration” instead.
Oh fuck, The Incarceration’s gf Lauren is spilling the tea that there is an entire Instagram account dedicated to them at the clubs. There are videos of Ronnie grinding on Nipple Girl. Of course there are. People are so fucking savage, they are tagging Jen in the comments. I mean, she needs to know, you POS. These Instagrammers are doing the Lord’s work.
All of us rn:
Ronnie, you definitely earn your title as the President of the I Am Fucked Foundation. Quit doing stupid shit where you’ll obviously be caught. Here goes another week of Ronnie fucking something up. Let’s see what he fucks up next week.
Subscription boxes like Birchbox and Ipsy are a fun way to try some new products that you might not buy for yourself, but some are a better investment than others. There are lots of different boxes out there, but there’s a new one hitting the market that might be just what you’re looking for. We’ll describe it in one word: J-Woww.
That’s right, one of our two favorite ladies from Jersey Shore (ily Snooki) is launching her own subscription box through her lifestyle website Miss Domesticated, and it’s designed specifically for sexy moms who want to look/act like they still have no responsibilities. That’s right, JWoww is a lifestyle blogger. 2017 is wild, man.
The Miss Domesticated box is launching soon, and it’ll come every other month for $49.99 each. The price seems kind of steep considering JWoww’s whole image is about looking cheap, but the girl’s got a family to support.
JWoww posted a video on her Instagram going through some of the contents of the first box, and it certainly looks like an interesting assortment. Here’s what you can expect when you drop a cool $50 on the first month:
EXCLUSIVE SNEAK PEEK! Because you guys are AMAZING and because I just couldn’t wait to show you what’s in the first Miss Domesticated Box, click the link in my bio to see all the sexy goodies. Don’t miss out! P.S. Have you signed up for our email list yet? Be the first to know when you can get your hands on one of these badass boxes. #missdbox #linkinbio
1. A tank top that says “roll me in fairy dust and call me a unicorn.” Um, what? Is that a good thing? This isn’t off to a promising start.
2. Some gross-looking leggings that say “THIK AF” all around the waistband. We’re still not used to the idea that being called “thick” is a good thing, but these leggings are giving us more cheap AF vibes. Seriously, stick to Lululemon if you don’t want everyone at the gym to judge you.
3. A koozie that says “Thirsty AF,” because nothing says that you’re a responsible mom like a koozie! Someone clearly just told JWoww about the whole “AF” thing for the first time, because she’s very into it. I guess it’s hard to keep up with the trends when you have to raise two kids and gym, tan, laundry.
4. JWoww brand bronzer. If there’s one thing Jenni has that we actually might be jealous of, it’s that elusive tan. Normally we’re very iffy about buying cosmetics made by someone who is most famous for showing their fake boobs on a reality TV show, but we’d try this.
5. Orange creamsicle scented sunscreen. This sounds gross. Fucking ew. We don’t want to smell like a creamsicle, thanks anyway though!
So, is the box worth it? If you love tacky shit and not acting your age, sure, go for it. Otherwise, save the 50 bucks and forget you ever saw that tank top.