Sometimes, the news doesn’t have to be groundbreaking. Sometimes, it doesn’t surprise you, but it does entertain and add a little color to your life. At least, that’s how my life has changed after reading Ivanka Trump’s former best friend’s essay in Vanity Fair—which is to say it hasn’t changed at all, but I feel moderately entertained, at least. Lysandra Ohrstrom (I swear, rich people’s names just sound fictional) decided to finally break her silence (now that Trump is no longer President) and blow up the perfectly Botoxed facade Ivanka Trump presents to the world (by recounting a number of petty middle school anecdotes from their past). We learn that Ivanka was, basically, a spoiled and bratty rich kid. *Gasp* that Ivanka? Never!
Still, for someone who seems to make an effort to never let slip to the public what she’s really like, what Ohrstrom had to reveal was pretty funny. Let’s get the best one out of the way: the errant fart. Lysandra writes, “One of the earliest memories I have of Ivanka from before we were friends is when she blamed a fart on a classmate.” Quelle horreur! Let he who has never played the “whoever smelt it, dealt it” game cast the first stone. I don’t think Lysandra meant to do this literally, but it’s funny to know that Ivanka has always been a sh*thead.
Ivanka upon discovering the jig is up and the world now knows she does, indeed, fart:
Why did we stop at the fart, though? I need to know more. Did Ivanka ever get out of gym class by faking her period? Did she ever pick her nose but tell people she was simply scratching an itch on the inside of her nostril? They say where there’s smoke there’s fire, and I have a feeling that cloud of smoke is only the tip of the iceberg.
Lysandra throws out a lot of accusations against Ivanka, but perhaps none is more damaging than the insinuation that she indulged in fast food and swear words: “She always stopped at McDonald’s for cheeseburgers. She cursed.” I will say, all that McDonald’s probably didn’t help with the farting.
But one of my favorite bombshells has got to be this: “She never wore a Halloween costume that wasn’t flattering, which means she usually showed up at costume parties looking beautiful and boring.” Ah yes, the woman who scored invites to the Met Gala, was photographed in magazines even as an adolescent, and launched a shoe line is… vain? No, no that can’t be. It simply does not track with the rest of her character! Also, I feel like “beautiful and boring” isn’t that sick of a burn. Most of us aren’t even beautiful.
Another time, Lysandra recommended Ivanka read Empire Falls, a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel about a diner manager in Maine. Ivanka said, “Ly, why would you tell me to read a book about f*cking poor people? What part of you thinks I would be interested in this?” Tbh, Ivanka has a fair point here. She’s never exactly been known for caring about the less fortunate, and earlier this year, The Financial Times wrote about her “let them eat cake economics,” dragging her for her suggestion that the millions of Americans left jobless during the pandemic “find something new.” At least her brand is consistent.
She would also point out wealth inconsistencies in movies: “‘Since when can a teacher afford a BMW?’ she would ask, munching on her usual small popcorn, coated in what would be an unpalatable amount of salt to a normal person. Or, ‘Why is a police officer living in a house like that?'” I know this is not the detail I’m supposed to focus on, but I’m not over the salt thing. I know everyone’s joked about the Trumps having covid because they don’t have taste, but…
Then, after the farting incident, Lysandra recalls, “Some time later, she goaded me and a few other girls into flashing our breasts out the window of our classroom in what has since been labelled the ‘flashing the hot dog man’ incident in Chapin lore.” I have a lot of questions, like who was the hot dog man? Why can’t this elite group of children come up with more imaginative names for their urban legends? Anyway, Ivanka was basically the mastermind behind the Flashing The Hot Dog Man Incident™ but lied to the headmistress and got off scot-free while everyone else was suspended. Weird, because we know Ivanka’s family to be firmly committed to the truth.
Overall, if you want to be shocked, this Vanity Fair read probably won’t do that for you. If you want more confirmation that a sh*tty rich person has always, in fact, been a sh*tty rich person, then yeah, this will give you that. Now all we need is a first-person narrative of the person who got blamed for her fart and how that moment impacted their life, and then I hope we can be done with this family for good.
Images: Joe Raedle/Getty Images; Giphy
There’s a reason I write Photoshop Fails and not The Sup newsletter. It’s because I have no idea what’s going on in the world, ever, and I need to read The Sup to have it explained to me in small words. I mean, I educate myself when it’s time to vote and do my civic duty, but other than that, I find it super depressing to keep up with the news, especially now. And it’s dull. Like, even if we have the exact same political opinions, I STILL do not want to hear you talk about it, or even worse, ruin my happy hour with it. It’s boring and mostly awful information. Shut the f*ck up. Also, do you notice the people most excited to share their political views are the ones no one ever asks? I’m telling you this because I really do not care about your political views and your political comments. This series is about one thing, and that is brazen misuse of Facetune, people.
And with that, I bring you Ivanka Trump.
I have nothing nice to say so I just won’t. But, we get to play my favorite game, which is: what’s wrong with this picture?
Look, I realize this photo was taken in Portrait mode, and that can blur up a background. So like, I don’t find fault with the fact that the water isn’t blurry in between her body and arm, for example, because that clearly wasn’t picked up as background by the camera for Portrait mode. Although I do think the water lines look particularly parallel and unnatural. But what I can find fault with is that IVANKA CHANGED THE ARCHITECTURE OF THE F*CKING TAJ MAHAL!
Guys, what the actual f*ck? Ivanka has used Facetune to alter this image and the huge, iconic pool in front of the Taj Mahal is now wavy, and bulging in weird places, and even dips down right where Ivanka’s waist is. I drew a straight line underneath so you can see how off it is. Here’s the thing, even if the camera angle wasn’t perfectly straight, the line would be tilted but still straight. Not bulging and cutting out in *convenient* places!
And in case you think it’s just the pool or the angle, here’s another photo Ivanka posted:
That’s a straight pool. So why would Ivanka decided to warp the pool lines just for fun and around her waist for absolutely no reason? Well, she wouldn’t. She clearly edited this photo to make herself look like the sickly, unrealistic Instagram models we all know are lying liars who lie about their bodies. Ivanka is also really thin, so I’m not sure why she would bother, but yet, I feel this way about almost everyone who does this. It really never seems to be actually overweight/out of shape people who do the heavy editing, right? It’s always these totally thin girls that want to look emaciated. I don’t get it, but here we are.
So for those of you who want to fight me on this, and claim “It’S tHe AnGLeS”, I have some news for you.
We’ve GOT RECEIPTS.
Hate to break it to you guys, but that’s a straight f*cking pool. And I can’t help but notice something else.
Although to be completely fair here, these photos are taken at different angles. But even still, Ivanka is clearly way, way, thinner in her own, wonky pool version. She goes from a fit, normal, thin woman to scary Barbie doll with a waist smaller than her head.
Ooookay, Ivanka.
So, this just goes to show, it doesn’t matter if you’re in The White House or trying to sell laxative tea on Instagram, inconsistent background lines only mean one thing: LIES.
I’d say I expect more from a public figure leading our country, but let’s be real, this is the least of the Trump family’s offenses. Maybe she should show her dad Facetune, and he’d waste his time making himself look pretty instead of causing a World War via Twitter?
Did you guys spot the Fail immediately? Are you surprised Ivanka Facetunes—especially to make her already thin waist even thinner? Does anyone think these bobblehead bodies on social media are real? How do you shut up your politics-ranting friends at happy hour (seriously, I need tips)?
Images: MANDEL NGAN/AFP via Getty Images; ivanktatrump / Instagram; Giphy
Some couples role play to spice up their marriage, others decide to bring in a third person. Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump get off on trying to bribe Planned Parenthood. The only president I care about, Planned Parenthood’s Cecile Richards, wrote in her memoir that the West Wing – West World couple offered to increase federal funding for the organization if they stopped providing abortions. LOL. In your dreams, you heartless dorks.
Richards said that she had met with the duo to explain the importance of the organization providing healthcare to millions of people, hoping Ivanka would at least understand. That is literally so charitable of her. Anyways, as soon as she gave her spiel about why women need their hoo-has taken care of, Kushner immediately killed the mood and was like “stop giving abortions.” Then surely mimed sliding a check across the long table they were sitting at. I have to imagine Kushner regularly kills the mood and also has no idea how to take care of a lady’s hoo-ha. Richards said it was clear they just wanted to make a savvy deal and to be seen as strategic business people. Maybe it wouldn’t raised their allowance from Daddy Trump?
Whatever their reasoning, they aren’t savvy enough to understand that Planned Parenthood will never stop providing women with safe and legal abortions. That’s like asking Lindsay Lohan to stop giving unwanted legal advice. It’s their thing and you have to respect that.
Obviously Richards was like hard pass and left the meeting being like, “omg I’m definitely going to write about these psychos in my book.” Jared and Ivanka left the meeting thinking “wow that lady was blonde enough to work for Fox News!”
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
(Images via Giphy)
If you’re looking for another embarassment to add your burn book long list of things that the Trumps are terrible at, we’ve got you. According to a Jezebel article, no one in the Trump Mafia knows how to fucking vote. Lol. I guess participating in legal activity is like, v hard for them.
In the 2017 NYC mayoral election, the Trump squad all had difficulties casting their votes. Melania forgot to sign the envelope on her absentee ballot. Maybe overlooking details, such as the fact that her hubby is a pile of garbage with limbs, is how she gets through life. Ivanka sent out her ballot the day of the election, not realizing that’s not how it works. Sorry, honey, this isn’t like your clothing brand where you can just get child laborers to get everything done quickly. Jared Kushner straight up didn’t send in his absentee. Hey, Kush, may we make a request that you also ignore all of your other involvement in government? Tysm.
Actual footage of the Trumps attempting to vote:
This wasn’t the first time the Trumps royally fucked up voting. In the 2016 primaries Eric and Ivanka both missed the deadline to register to vote, aka they didn’t even vote for daddy. What’s ironic is that Trump has promised to make voter laws stricter, which is racist and classist but we won’t event get into that rn. The point is, Trump may want to rethink his promise to change voting laws, seeing as he and the #fam can’t figure out how to vote as is. Then again, Trump has never applied basic law to himself.
Idk, wake me up when Beyoncé is president.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
From the day her dad got elected last November, we’ve all been suspicious of Ivanka Trump’s role in the presidency. Is she going to stand up to her dad’s fucked up policies on women and the environment and everything in general, or will she just roll her eyes and table text her friends about how annoying her dad is being about North Korea, like most people do with their dads? On the one hand, she’s an “official advisor” to the President, but on the other she’s got like 15 other businesses, including her product line that’s been dropped by a million stores but is also “surging” in popularity because literally nothing makes sense these days. All this is to say, Ivanka is shady AF. Like, on the one hand you see her speak and think she seems pretty normal, but on the other hand you remember her dad is low-key destroying the country with her help. It’s like the girl in high school who seems really nice when you’re acquaintances and then when you become friends you find out she’s behind like 90% of the school’s most vicious rumors, including that Amber D’Alessio made out with a hotdog.
Ever since Ivanka accepted her upaid White House internship, people have suspected that she may be able to use her close proximity to the President and other foreign leaders for personal gain and favors to her many, many businesses. And just like when you snooped through your ex’s phone and found 100 photos of him and some skank in Cabo, we were right to be suspicious.
Let’s break down a timeline for you. On April 6, Ivanka had dinner with the Chinese President, Xi Jinping, at Mar-a-Lago aka the place Trump goes when he should be in the White House doing presidential things. What’s the problem? Other than the fact that Mar-a-Lago just got 13 health violations so she and the Chinese President were likely consuming at least some amount of fecal matter, April 6 also happens to be the day that Ivanka got approved for trademarks to sell her jewelry, bags, and spa services in…you guessed it…China! So basically, while she was having dinner with China’s president, whoever handles the trademark approval in China just happened to give Ivanka the go-ahead to sell her knock-off Aquazzura shoes, which is definitely not shady or a conflict of interest at all. Nope, nothing unethical to see here. This is just like the time you accepted a Netflix and Chill request from your Physics T.A., and suddenly your grade in physics jumped from a C to an A++. A simple coincidence.
So now we (and literally every person who follows the news in any way) have got to ask: Did Ivanka finagle this deal over a piece of delicious Mar-a-Lago chocolate cake (only 30% rat piss!)? And if so, what did Ivanka (definitely not) promise the Chinese President in order to get this deal? An Instagram follow? A lifetime supply of boring pink handbags? A game of footsie under the table? Casual assurance that we will support them in the impending nuclear apocolypse? There are just so many options (all of which are terrifying).
Tbh, we’re pretty okay with Ivanka taking her boring-ass clothing line to China, as long as that means we won’t have to see them here. Actually, we’re not sure we’ve ever seen anyone carrying an Ivanka Trump handbag, which is probably why their sales were tanking at Nordstrom. Sorry honey, we just don’t want that shit. Maybe you should try selling them at Sears? Oh wait. They dropped her too.
