This week will go down in history as the “Cries Heard ‘Round The TJ Maxx Clearance Racks,” due to Ivanka Trump’s announcement that she is closing her
hideous namesake fashion brand because nobody likes her in order to focus on doing nothing for women’s rights. Sad. I could take this opportunity to delve into the “news” side of this issue and dissect what this means for the future of Daddy’s Little Girl, but instead I’m going to give the people what they want: a roast of Ivanka Trump’s fugliest clothing. I am a true American hero, and you are welcome.
1. Shine Bright Like a Barbed Wire Fence
Here we have what appears to be a chain link fence dipped in the glitter that comes in those little tubes that you find at your local dollar store. Cute! Please note how the patterns do not match up at the seam. Ummmmm, fashion DON’T alert!!! What can Ivanka say, she just *loves* the ‘stuck behind a fence/cage’ look…
2. My 2nd Grade Tissue Paper Art Project
Okurr, so up next is what happens when you sneeze into a tissue, but like, your snot is made up entirely of black ink. And then you sneeze again, but this time your snot releases a splash of cheap, ugly-ass lace. Viola!
3. Hemp Gone Wild
Knock knock. Who’s there? Your puka shell necklace went on its own spring back and came back as this truly offensive wedge. We’ve all gone to Florida and come back with a greasy hair-wrap, so we get it, girl.
4. I Don’t Even Fucking Know
Coming to the stage is a lewk that was most certainly inspired by when the drawstring in your waistband comes loose, because it looks as though that drawstring has been ducktaped to this dress. V recyclable/trash-chic.
5. The Jellyfish From Spongebob Made A Shirt
Oopsies, looks like The Great Barrier Reef got drunk and threw up on one of Ivanka’s shirts again. Don’t worry, in case this heinous pattern isn’t enough for you, there are also the flaccid ruffle sleeves to top off the lewk.
I could keep going all day, because the limit to this clothing brand’s trashyness does not exist. But I have better things to do, like scroll through my own Instagram pictures. Bye!
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!