People Who Get Up Early Are Literally Not Very Smart, Study Finds

It’s a sad fact that wine and gym memberships cost money, so unless you’re part of the Kardashian/Jenner clan, you have to show up to work every weekday after a protracted battle with your alarm clock. According to a recent study, though, your relationship with the snooze button doesn’t mean you’re lazy; instead, it might reaffirm your status as a gift to man- and womankind.


In a British paper, researchers Satoshi Kanazawa and Kaja Perina point out that for most of human history, people have been letting the sun set their sleep schedule, because trying to get shit done in the dark is impossible. Electric lights and alarms are pretty recent inventions, so Kanazawa and Perina claim that evolution hasn’t prepared us for the modern way of living, aka staying up past sundown and using alarm clocks to wake up. This led them to believe that people who sleep in are more adaptable, and therefore more intelligent, than tryhards who leap out of bed in the morning like our ancestors did.

To test their idea, researchers used data from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, which followed more than 15,000 people from when they were kids into adulthood. As you can guess from the name, the survey asked participants a bunch of health-related questions over the years (from 1995 to 2008, to be exact), but researchers focused on comparing sleep patterns and IQ tests to see if they were related.

What they found should excuse all those times you’ve rolled into the office three hours late. According to their analysis, kids with higher IQs were more likely to report nocturnal sleep patterns as adults. In other words, more intelligent kids grew up to be the kind of adult who’s always late to brunch because they were awake until 3am scrolling through Instagram/replaying embarrassing moments from childhood/writing the next great American novel.


Honestly, I’m not at all surprised because anyone who voluntarily wakes up before 9am on a Saturday must be brain damaged.

But wait! There’s more! Tbh, the study authors are making some pretty broad claims here. Their idea is that nocturnal people are more adaptable and therefore more intelligent, but you may have noticed that their study didn’t actually test the adaptability part. It just found some correlations between sleep patterns and IQ, which is the kind of research that takes, like, the bare minimum of effort. Psychologists—they’re just like us! Because clearly these guys phoned it in. 

On the other hand, other studies have shown that night owls stay mentally alert longer than morning people, and they tend to be less stressed. So morning people can keep doing their thing at an ungodly hour, but I’ll be hitting the snooze button for as long as I damn well please because I thought watching 14 episodes of Workaholics in a row was a good idea last night. (Spoiler alert: It was.) 

It’s Scientifically Proven That Betches Are More Likely To Be Successful AF

At last, science has confirmed something betches figured out a long time ago. Forget boring shit like hard work and perseverance and oh my god sorry I just fell asleep. Anyway. Apparently, success comes down to personality rather than intelligence, so suck it, nerds.

This comes from a paper published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences back in September. Researchers looked at a bunch of data sets and found that the best predictor of life achievements—basically, whether you’re skinny and rich or eating potato chips living in your parents’ basement—wasn’t IQ tests. It was personality, which is something betches have on fucking lock.

I'm Flawless

IQ could predict achievement test scores, but when it came to stuff like life satisfaction and body mass index (btw is this researchers’ way of shading fat people?), the best way to tell if someone was going to be successful as an adult was combining personality scores and grades. In fact, they found that being rich was associated with a personality trait called conscientiousness, aka self-discipline. Admittedly, betches aren’t exactly known for our self-control, but we’re perfect in every other aspect so whatever.

TL;DR it doesn’t matter what some internet IQ test told you if you don’t get shit done in real life. Fortunately, being charming and flawless is a betch’s area of expertise—just don’t expect us to show up on time (or not hungover) on Monday morning.

Bad Teacher