Much like blacking out at the pregame, having a dead phone is one of the fastest, most effective ways to ruin a night out. Between taking pictures of yourself, sending screenshots to the group chat and trying to figure out where TF your Uber driver is, you’re (literally) not getting anywhere with a dead phone. And for those of you who think you don’t need a phone to have fun, stop lying and acting like you’re not scrolling through Seamless on your way home from the bar trying to find a place that will deliver General Tso’s Chicken at 3am.
For most betches, solving the dying phone epidemic is much more complicated than simply bringing a phone charger with you. Sometimes, you can’t fit it into your clutch. Maybe you can’t find it because your roommate thinks you two have joint custody over it. Perhaps you can’t trust anyone at the pregame not to unplug your phone and charge theirs instead. (Literally get away from me with your “Well I’m only on 18% and you’re on 38%” argument. IT’S MY PHONE CHARGER.) Most likely, you just don’t want to be that betch who pulls her long-ass phone charger out of her bag and is searching for an outlet in a stranger’s apartment or worse, harassing the bartender to charge it behind the bar. It’s just not a good look. Here are a few genius products you can buy to charge your phone on the go/find an excuse to buy more shit.
1. Sonix Bisous Pick Me Up Charger
This portable charger is way easier to fit into a small wallet or clutch than a clunky Apple charging cube. Plus, it comes in a ton of actually cool prints, so you don’t have to deal with the typical “are you sure that’s not mine?” roommate scuffle. It gives your phone 16 hours of additional battery life, which is pretty great considering you’ll probably pass out well before that.
2. Everpurse X Kate Spade New York Zana
This leather Kate Spade crossbody has a built-in charger so you can be a shady betch and charge your phone in your bag without anyone else seeing.
3. Mophie Juice Pack Air
Phone case selection is a sacred process to any betch because the way you dress your iPhone says a lot about you. For example, strapping a battery pack to your phone says “I am so busy and popular that my phone is literally always dying, you should feel honored that I’m even paying you any attention at all.”
4. Rebecca Minkoff M.A.B. Charging Wristlet
With a little charging port, this wristlet provides another way to charge your phone without having to stand next to a wall like an idiot. On the downside, you do have to hold the flaps of the wristlet open if you want to use your phone while it’s charging, which is kind of a bad look, but it’s Rebecca Minkoff so it’s okay this one time.
5. HButler Mighty Purse Fringe Phone Charging Crossbody Bag
HButler is a company that basically makes stuff for betches who can’t keep their shit together, which is the nicest thing anyone’s done for us since the invention of dry shampoo. In addition to vegan (aka fake) leather bags with chargers in them, HButler makes a tiny Bluetooth device that lets you track your keys or phone. It also works as a camera remote so you can take selfies. Hashtag blessed.
6. Ban.Do Mobile Charger
This tiny iPhone charger eliminates the whole “lightning cable” mess. Although loving things just because they’re tiny and pink is pathetic, I’ll admit that this charger is weirdly adorable.
7. Tory Tote Charger Key Fob
Since you’re probably already hoarding like, five different key cards for gyms you no longer attend on your keychain, you might as well add this Tory Burch key fob that also charges your phone.
8. HYPER Pearl Compact Mirror Battery Pack
Built perfectly for a narcissistic betch who appreciates a decent mirror with LED lighting that can double as a selfie enhancer, the HYPER Pearl compact mirror is also a portable charger so you never have to worry about having to interact with anyone after your phone dies. It comes in several chic colors so like, get more than one and you can choose which one to use based on the color of the purse you’re wearing that day.
As anyone with even the hint of an Instagram will tell you, Coachella happened this weekend. For those of you who weren’t there, you probably saw hundreds of photos in your feed of your friends wearing flower crowns and face jewels in various states of being drunk, triggering a FOMO spiral that inevitably ended in filling the void by buying a shitload of Korean beauty products on Amazon and vowing never to miss anything ever again. If you were there, you may have had your phone stolen (aka one of the greatest disasters that can befall a person), all thanks to the work of one guy.
36-year-old Reinaldo De Jesus Henao was caught at Coachella with more than one hundred stolen smartphones. A pretty despicable crime for someone with Jesus in his name. And on Easter, no less! But before you go being all impressed with this guy’s incredible phone heist, let me ask you this: Could there possibly be an easier crime than stealing 100 phones at Coachella? A crowd of drunk twenty somethings on molly screaming to EDM music is not necessarily the most attentive group when it comes to their belongings. In fact, there’s a solid chance at least half of them are tripping balls on something and made a pact with a spirit lion to shed all their Earthly possessions. Is there something easier than taking candy from a baby? Because stealing phones at Coachella is probably that easy. If this guy really wanted a challenge, he should try getting my phone out of my hand when I’m waiting for a text back from a guy. I’m not currently a black belt, but I imagine I’d become one in that moment.
So, how did the stolen phones get found? Well, as anyone who has ever left their phone in a cab and watched it cruise around the city can tell you, Find My iPhone is actually a pretty good way to find your iPhone. Apparently, Henao was located when the people who were sober enough to realize their phone had been stolen teamed up with police to activate Find My iPhone, meaning that our genius phone thief was caught because he literally forgot to turn all the stolen phones off. Wow. The collective brainpower here is honestly staggering.
Hanao apparently did the majority of his thieving on Friday night at the Sahara Tent, so if you were there on Friday and woke up Saturday covered in glitter with no phone, you may have been the victim of a phone theft. Either that, or you dropped it in the toilet. Or buried it mid-acid trip as a symbol of new beginnings. It’s hard to say, but at least 20 orphaned phones have been reunited with their phone parents, and the rest are being held by Coachella’s lost and found, so it’s worth checking out.
Sidenote—how much weed do you think is in the Coachella lost and found? A hundred pounds? A thousand? The limit does not exist.
The moral of this story is twofold: 1) don’t keep your phone sticking out of your back pocket at a music festival and 2) if you’re going to steal 100 iPhones, remember to at least turn them off. Also, don’t steal from people. It’s rude and like, not very good vibes.
So it’s Thursday, which means you almost survived the week. Cheers. But let’s be real, you didn’t survive the week without sending your boss 17 emails on the subway and going on two different (terrible) Bumble dates—in other words, you wouldn’t have made it here without your phone. But do you know what would make that a lot easier? A funny phone case to lighten the mood. Honestly, we’ve all been there. Nobody wants to roll up anywhere with an Otterbox that’s ten times thicker than your actual phone and hides the fact that you bought it in rose gold for a reason. So lighten up iPhone. I see you. Luckily Shop Betches iPhone cases are cute and functional. We’ve come out with our Friday Feels collection to capture, well, your Friday feels. We all know you’re completely out of fucks to give by the time Friday rolls around, so instead of sending your boss a passive-aggressive email and risk your job, let your phone case do the talking.
The “Don’t Rain on My Prada” phone case is honestly perfect for the high fashion betch who knows anything and everything about classy shit. I mean this phone case literally gives you the authority to walk around saying “don’t stomp your little last season Prada shoes at me, honey.” Because everyone will look at it and be like “wow, she knows her shit.” And they’d be correct. You do. It’s also a slightly more sophisticated way of saying “Bitch, don’t kill my vibe”—aka your mom won’t get mad at you if she sees you walking around with this phone case.
Personally, any time I see someone walking around with marble print manis, notebooks, waterbottles, etc. I feel like they’re either a total goddess or just poised AF. The purple marble phone case makes you seem v on trend, plus it matches all of those gorg marble table food Instas you’ll be taking with it. (I mean, betches who have this phone case obvs are only dining at classy establishments.)
Much like everything else we loved in the 90s, mermaids are back in a big way. We all started worshipping them when Ariel had men falling for her without doing work or like, even speaking. Even though we kind of hate the new mermaid hair and mermaid toast trends, it doesn’t change the fact that we all used to pretend to be mermaids in our backyard pools when we were seven. So now, there’s a sea foam sea glass phone case so you can feel like a legit mermaid without the ombre blue and green hair.
Honestly the “Resting Betch Face” phone case is literally all of us. When someone tries to call out your RBF just hold up your phone in situations where holding up the middle finger might be inappropriate. Genius.
Of course, the collection wouldn’t be complete without a “Boy Bye” phone case. I feel like I spend 97% of my time telling my friends to say this. Or telling boys this. Or just thinking this whenever men approach. So now I can just show them my phone and not even open my mouth. What will I do with all that time saved??
The best way to sum up being at work on a Friday is with the “Fresh Out of Fucks” phone case. (Just in case anyone was confused and thought you had any fucks to spare.)
It wouldn’t be Friday if it wasn’t lit AF. Next time your dad/some rando at the club asks if you have a boyfriend, show them your Lit AF phone case. I’m in a relationship…with vodka sodas.
The “Blah Blah Blah” iPhone case is literally all of us when that annoying coworker starts talking. You know the one.
Shop the entire Friday Feels collection just in time for Friday, only at Shop Betches!
As Valentine’s Day approaches—which TBH is the worst holiday in American fucking history—many single betches have turned to moments of self-doubt. Why are we single? Are we too clingy? Do we just need to lose those last five pounds? Are we as unlovable as our ex says?
Shut the fuck up with all of your self-pity, because a new survey shows that the reason you’re probs single is more innocent than we all may think: your cracked phone. According to the annual Singles in America survey, 86% of millennials are turned off by a cracked phone screen. The survey didn’t mention what percentage of millennials have a cracked phone screen, but I’d bet my next paycheck that it’s the same. You hypocrites.
It’s not just your inability to hold your phone for more than 5 minutes without dropping it on the ground that’s keeping you single, though—the survey revealed that millennials are pretty fucking picky with phone behavior in general. 75% of singles hate it if a date answers his or her phone during a date (duh), and they really don’t even like if the date has an old phone (also understandable). In more petty news, if you type with the clicking noises turned on, that’s another strike. The more you know.
But even before the first date, millennials are totally judging their future dates’ social media posts, which obvi we support. Nothing like a little stalking to get the hormones flowing. 58% of singles are turned off by any open complaining on Facebook, 42% of singles are judging you on your social media posts in general (v helpful), and 39% are judging you on your grammar. Honestly, we are here for this—it’s 2017, I think the world should know the fucking difference between “your” and “you’re.”
There is some good news in this giant survey, which was put together by the Match dating service, btw (yes, that Match). Our generation is completely fine with having sex way before any other generation. Remember that “no sex until the third date” rule that Carrie Bradshaw tried to instill in our susceptible and naive minds? Nope, not millennials. We’re actually fine with having sex before the first date—how that works exactly, we’re not totally sure. 34% of singles have had sex before a first date, and millennials are 48% more likely to have sex before a first date. Whether that means you fucked a guy and then made him get drinks with you afterwards so you’d feel like less of a slut, you went home with him and then got brunch the next morning and are calling it a date on a technicality, or some other scenario, we can’t say for sure.
Anyway, the moral of the story is, all single people are judgmental and picky and Valentine’s Day sucks.