5 Free Fitness Apps You Can Do From Home

Sometimes there’s not enough time, or motivation, in the day to get to the gym. And sometimes, we simply don’t have the funds for a membership (or you’d rather spend what little money you have on food or alcohol…no judgment). But, thanks to the invention of the smartphone, you don’t have to actually step foot in a gym to get your workout in. There are a lot of good fitness apps that require a paid subscription, but I’m going to go ahead and jump to the conclusion that if you don’t want to spend $10 a month to go to Planet Fitness or wherever, you probably also don’t want to spend money for an app, either. That’s why I picked out my top five favorite free fitness apps to download and get sweating to. (I don’t feel bad anymore about seeing 5 + hours at the end of the day on my screen time…I’m working out!) Grab your weights and your cutest pair of leggings, and let’s get started.

1. Workout For Women

This app offers categories of workouts for every muscle in your body, including abs, butt, back, shoulders, arms, and more. The exercises are mostly for your at-home gym sesh, but they do offer a few workout routines for during the day, like “deskercise”, “chair exercises”, and “office stretch”… but please, be low-key if you’re doing them at work. What I love about this app is that they offer plenty of workouts that you can do in only seven minutes. These include 7M Butt, 7M Sweat, and 7M Beginner. I love these guides because I know I can get through seven minutes of work without the thought of “when is this overrrrr??” repeating in my head the entire workout. You can see your progress on a calendar based on your workout history and calories burned. Def recommend.

2. Fitness Challenge

When setting up the app, it will ask you a few questions to help personalize your workouts. It asks for what you think your level is (beginner, intermediate, or pro) and how many sessions a week you want to work out (2, 3, or 4). It then asks you for your goal, whether that be to lose weight, stay fit, or gain muscle. This way, the experience will be tailored to you and your body. Fitness Challenge gives you an outline of your workout before starting, so you know what you’re getting into before you begin. It tells you how much time the workout will last, what exactly you’ll be doing, and how many times you’re doing it. It comes with five categories to choose from: full body, sexy legs and butt, abs and flat tummy, bikini body, and skinny toned arms. Count me in.

3. Daily Yoga

If you’re a yogi, this is the app for you, but in addition to yoga, Daily Yoga also incorporates other mainstream workouts. Once signed in, you choose your goal. This app’s options are: start as beginner, stay healthy, lose weight, skill improvement, muscle tone, and stress relief. I LOVE how they named these goals. But Daily Yoga doesn’t only provide workouts—it goes one step further, offering audio and music to guide you through your practices. They have guided meditations, mantras, mindfulness training, and more—all of which you can download straight to your phone. I recommend listening to the music before bed at night for a spa-like relaxation that’ll put you into a deep sleep.

4. FitOn

You can sign up for FitOn through FACEBOOK, which is great, because then you don’t have to waste time plugging in personal info and can get moving instead. It does ask a few questions to personalize your experience, though, which I do appreciate. It first asks you about your goal. Are you using the app to lose weight? Reduce stress? For post-natal fitness? I like this app because it doesn’t just give you three basic goal choices; it has a bunch more to offer. After that, it asks for your favorite types of workouts ranging from yoga, to HIIT, and dance. Then, you’re in! If you aren’t ready to work out right away, you can set reminders to do so later on, which I use way too frequently. It gives you a ton of choices, like which trainer you want to take, the target area you want to work on, and trending activities to start. FitOn even gives you a custom-made schedule. You can see all your upcoming workouts and the intensity of each. You can even invite your friends to share your progress, if you’re competitive like that. There is also a section on advice from trainers, ranging from articles to videos that are informational and worth a watch.

5. BetterMe: Walking

If you aren’t into high-intensity workouts or sweating too much, this app is perfect for you. It’s all about walking, and only walking. Walking is the perfect way to burn off calories and reduce stress. I think walking is one of the most important workouts—especially walking outside. Obvs if it’s crazy weather, just hop on the treadmill, NBD. The app goes by days, so they have a list of workouts designed for you each day to complete. You can walk for meditation, renewal, midlife women, stress, or for burning off the cheese pizza you had for dinner last night, which I like to do. (Okay, so that last option I made up.) All totally great. It also tracks your steps and calories burned, if you’re over your iPhone health app after the latest update, which most of us are.

There are so many other free fitness apps you can check out, but these ones offer a good range of services that everyone can enjoy and are easy to use. These are the perfect start to get motivated and move throughout your week. You can use them in your living room, at your office, outside walking your pup, or even in class (def be cautious though…). Hope these apps help you and guide you to achieve your goals.

Images: Dane Wetton / Unsplash; Workout For Women; Fitness Challenge; Daily Yoga; FitOn; BetterMe: Walking

We Partnered With Your Favorite Phone Accessory To Give Back To The Community

When it comes to the world of phone accessories, Popsockets is one of the only companies making a product that is both affordable and a complete game-changer. I know I’m not the only one who would always have a completely shattered phone if it wasn’t for my trusty PopGrip stuck to the back. The good people at PopSockets have saved me from many costly trips to the Apple store, and now they’re giving back to the community, too.

With their new Poptivism program, PopSockets is partnering with us to bring you some betchy AF limited-edition designs, and every purchase helps a good cause. Through this program, we are proud to support the Lower East Side Girls Club. The LESGC is an amazing organization that works to break the cycle of poverty by training the next generation of ethical, entrepreneurial, and environmental leaders. Girls Club members overcome adversity, perceive opportunity, develop self-confidence, make ethical decisions and healthy life choices, thrive academically, embrace leadership, and have the ability to enter college or the workforce as fully prepared and connected adults. Basically, the LESGC is an amazing cause, and 50% of each limited-edition Betches grip purchase goes directly to support their work.

Supporting the Lower East Side Girls Club is a total no-brainer, and so are the four special PopGrip designs that we came up with just for you. You can get matching ones with your entire friend group, or buy one of each and assign them based on individual personalities. They’re the perfect accessory to help you get a grip andgive back, which is what really matters. They’re also only $15 each, so think about whether you’d rather have one overpriced cocktail, or buy something cool that will last a long time, and that also helps kids. Yeah, I thought so.

Click here to learn more about Betches x Poptivism and buy your limited-edition grip right now.

I Marie Kondo’d The Guys In My Phone & Deleted Everyone Who Doesn’t Spark Joy

If you have working eyes and ears, then you probably already know that the internet is freaking tf out over Netflix’s latest hate-watch Tidying Up, which is all about the KonMari method of organizing. The revolutionary tidying method that involves rolling your frat formal T-shirts (because, yes, I still have those at 27 years old and, YES, they still bring me joy) instead of stacking them is the one that’s sweeping the nation. Never mind that my mother has been telling me to roll instead of stack for the last 15 years of my life. If she wanted me to actually follow that piece of advice then she should have told me how well that content would perform on my IG stories. Just saying, mom!!

In addition to rolling our clothes, Marie Kondo, the cult leader mastermind behind the tidying method, also wants us to throw out all of our sh*t unless it “sparks joy in us.” To which I’d just like to say, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, MARIE. Look, just because I own all seven seasons of Buffy The Vampire Slayer on DVD when I do not own a device with a DVD player anymore doesn’t mean those DVDs don’t spark immense joy in me anymore!!

That said, Marie Kondo did get me thinking about if I could apply the KonMari method of tidying to other aspects of my life. Just because I’m not ready to throw out the Kappa Sig Semi Formal T-shirt from 2012 doesn’t necessarily mean I’m not ready to throw out the former Kappa Sig frat member who gave me said shirt from my phone book, right? So, in the spirit of Valentine’s Day I decided to use the KonMari method for organizing the men in my life, specifically the ones still wasting space in my contacts list, to see if it would bring me joy or just bring me more homicidal feelings by having to look at their names again.

Emily gets it.

For the sake of time (I assume if you’re reading this you probably don’t have the next 1,000 hours free to analyze my love life, no?), I’m only going to touch on a few of the men who inhabit my phone. I’m going to organize them by name, how we met, amount of time he’s been in my phone, if he still sparks joy, and finally where I landed on it all. I promise it will only slightly feel like you’re being emotionally waterboarded. So let’s get started!

Guy #1: Jake*

How we met: College. I had to go back into the catacombs of my contacts list to the very first f*ckboy to ever wreak havoc on my life, Jake. A little bit of background about Jake: I met him in college when he was rushing a fraternity. His favorite hobbies included reading Fight Club and Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and then talking about said books as if he were the first white male in a polo to ever do so. His other favorite hobbies included listening to sad country music and dumping me in public places. Damn, I had great taste!

We were on and off throughout college despite the fact that he once dumped me on my birthday, mid-throw in the middle of a beer pong game. I hadn’t heard much from him post-college until his satanic 6th sense for my emotional well-being caught wind of me engaging in healthy romantic behavior and he decided to hit me up via several phone calls between the hours of 11pm-3am. That’s sort of been our relationship ever since.

How long he’s been in phone: 9 years *shudders*

Does his number spark joy: Hmmm. Does hating myself for 48 hours after drunk dialing him count?

Final verdict: Delete, delete, DELETE and maybe call the goddamn police. Tbh, this one was long overdue. I kept his number in my phone for so long mostly to remind myself that I’m better than him and to have on hand just in case. You know, just in case I blackout at 1pm after brunch on a Saturday and want some attention. We didn’t even live in the same state for years so I always thought “what’s the harm?” As if shame-spiraling for 72 hours after any contact with this person is not harmful. No no no no. Time to go. BYE.

Guy #2: Andy*

How we met: Tinder. Y’all say what you want about Tinder being a hookup app, but I’ve gotten way more dates off this app than any other one. Andy and I met when I first moved to New York and was living in a self-proclaimed “heartbreak hotel.” By “self-proclaimed,” I mean me and my roommates at the time made a group Twitter account to document our love lives and thought this was going to be our big break. To this day I think we have approximately 200 followers on that account.

Anyway. Moving on. Andy and I dated for about 4 months. And I don’t mean we “dated” between the hours of 8pm-2am, Thursday-Saturday. I’m talking about an almost-relationship here. We went on movie and dinner dates, and I spent enough time at his apartment to warrant having a spare set of contacts in his bathroom—it was that legit. The relationship ended, however, when I had the audacity to DTR right before Christmas break and he disappeared off the face of this earth. Seriously. I’m still thinking about putting his face on a milk carton.

How long he’s been in my phone: 1 year

Does his number spark joy: I have more joy for fat free ranch than I do for this person.

Final verdict: Delete. This one was pretty easy to get rid of. Looking back, there wasn’t a whole lot of heat in our relationship. I think his most appealing quality was that he took me on dates and, for the most part, treated me like a human being with actual human feelings. I was just starting to like this guy when he went into witness protection (I assume) and we weren’t together long enough for me to really get hurt. He doesn’t bring me joy or even mild excitement at the thought of him sending me a “u up?” text out of the blue, so I guess that’s when you know it’s really over. 

Guy #3: Nate*

How we met: A bar. This guy I met after day drinking for six hours in the West Village and then decided to keep the buzz going into the night. I was hammered and he was very cute and it took me at least three outings that were very similar to the first one before realizing that the reason we always met up at the same bar is because he literally couldn’t get into any others with his ID. I believe his exact words to me when I questioned him about his age were: “I’m basically 21.” When he found out how old I really was (24 at the time), he was a bit too enthusiastic over our age difference. Though I wasn’t even old enough to rent a car, he treated me like I was a goddamn Mrs. Robinson and would say things like “teach me” in the bedroom. Did this stop me from hooking up with him for the rest of the summer? Absolutely not. We cut things off when he had to head back to school early for lacrosse pre-season training. We still Snapchat each other occasionally.

How long he’s been in my phone: 3 years

Does his number spark joy: Only in the amount of jokes I’ve been able to tell from the line “basically 21.”

Final verdict: Keep. I mean, why not? Maybe when he finally graduates college we can grab a beer with the ID that has his legal date of birth. Nate, if you’re reading this, call me!

Guy #4: Patrick Tinder

How we met: Tinder. I’m not even exaggerating when I say this is verbatim how his name is written in my phone. I believe our relationship lasted for about three days in the summer of 2015 where we exchanged deeply intimate conversations Snapchats and he asked me to come “sit on his stoop.” I have a feeling he wasn’t talking about the beautiful architectural masterpiece he inhabited in Bed Stuy!

How long he’s been in my phone: 3.5 years

Does his number spark joy: Lol is this a real question? His number holds about as much sentimental value to me as the extra sock I found in my dryer the other day.

Final verdict: Delete. His number was the cockroaches of phone numbers because it somehow survived two stolen phones and a iCloud memory wipe. Suffice it to say, I shed no tears getting rid of his stoop-sitting ass.

Guy #5: Andy 2.0*

How we met: Tinder. Just to clarify: yes, I did meet two different Andy’s on Tinder and date them. I’m saying “Andy 2.0” like he was the better Andy, which is absolutely not true. He was just the second Andy I dated in the span of two years. This guy was interesting because, though I met him on Tinder, he was vouched for my a friend of mine who’d grown up with him. This made me believe that he was not a piece of sh*t when he really, really was. About a month in I realized he was definitely only in it to hook up (and on his terms only) and so I tried to do what Andy #1 did to me: ghost him. It did not go well. If I ignored his texts he would hit me up in earnest for weeks with “I miss you” and “u mad?” and “I just want to see you”. IF I would fall into his trap and meet him for a drink, he would immediately bring up going back to his place because didn’t I want to see the view from his dick new apartment? Once we’d hook up he’d disappear into the ether for 2-3 months with his views of my IG story the only indication that I hadn’t made him up. Rinse and repeat for two f*cking years.

How long he’s been in my phone: 2 years

Does his number spark joy: His number certainly sparks something in me. But it’s less of a joy feeling and more of “set fire to everything he knows and loves” feeling. Ya know?

Final verdict: Delete. Why I kept this guy around for so long is really just a testament to how low I’ll stoop for attention. Thank u, nextttttt.

So there you have it. Do I feel happier now that my phone is a little more f*ckboy free? It’s hard to say. I certainly feel less of an urge to set fires so, that’s something right? I’ll take it. 

*All names have been changed to save them from public ridicule. (Not that they deserve it).  

Images: Giphy (4)

Apple’s FaceTime Bug Might Ruin All Your Friendships

Attention all sh*t-talkers, gather round. It has come to our attention that the very device that allows us to amplify our smack talk has turned against us. Our very iPhones are revealing private moments to people FaceTiming in on us and it couldn’t be a worse nightmare. That’s right, there’s a new iPhone bug that allows people to see you and hear what you are saying before you actually answer the call. So that means, say, if your boss calls and you’re like “oh sh*t, it’s my psycho boss, let me get dressed” she will be able to hear that and see that you are doing this video chat without pants on. This is a disaster.

Now you can answer for yourself on FaceTime even if they don’t answer????#Apple explain this.. pic.twitter.com/gr8llRKZxJ

— Benji Mobb™ (@BmManski) January 28, 2019

Apple has disabled Group FaceTime and is currently working to fix the bug, but they weren’t made aware of it before unfurling this billboard in Las Vegas, which has to go down in history as the most ironic billboard of all time.

UNLESS THEY FACETIME YOU pic.twitter.com/OHt7340AGG

— InfoSec Taylor Swift (@SwiftOnSecurity) January 29, 2019

I can’t help but wonder if this is an elaborate marketing scheme for Androids. Of course, they’re going to have to destroy more than my sense of security and my social relationships if they think I’m ever going to rep the green text.In the meantime, maybe stop talking sh*t till this bug gets fixed. Lol JK. Just stick to gossiping the old fashioned way: via groupchat.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Is The iPhone XS Worth It?

Look, I’m not a “tech” person, but I bought the iPhone XS. I don’t know what a retina display, or neural engine, or a gigabyte, or any of that sh*t means. All I care about is that I have a phone that receives texts, takes amazing photos, and has a good enough battery to not die when I’m trying to find my way home after day drinking so I don’t end up in bumblef*ck Brooklyn smoking bad weed on a roof with a guy named Asher. Never again. I also need a phone that won’t break if I drop it on the subway while shoving people texting, and it would be nice if it was water resistant so that when I spill my vodka soda on it, it won’t ruin my entire night. A girl’s gotta have priorities.

Given my entirely reasonable list of demands, when the iPhone XS came out, I bought it, much to the dismay of my parents’ family plan and my bank account. But enough about me. You want to know if you should get an iPhone XS, so let’s make this decision together by answering some key questions..

How Much Does This Sh*t Cost?

There are arguments that you shouldn’t spend your entire rent on the iPhone XS and you should just buy the iPhone 8. It is true, the iPhone XS is about $1,000 and the 8 is only $600. Depending on where you buy it, most places let you do a payment plan rather than having to put the money up front. I did this going to Verizon and ended up paying roughly $134 in the store and then I have monthly payments of $48 for the next 24 months or until I pay off the phone or die, whichever comes first.

Conclusion: The iPhone XS is expensive, but you can always just add it to the list of monthly payments that eat up your paycheck and you don’t know why.

Can I F*ck This Phone up?

If you are a garbage person who breaks your phone regularly, proceed with caution. The iPhone XS is more fragile than Annaliese’s mental state on the last season of Bachelor in Paradise. That’s because the phone is literally all glass, and without a case it will break on the first drop. That said, the iPhone XS is water resistant up to a depth of two meters in case you drop it in a hot tub. (It happens).

Conclusion:  The iPhone XS is not for people who regularly drop their phone on the ground while drunk, but it is for people who regularly drop their phone in the toilet while drunk. I sense an important Buzzfeed Quiz coming.

Will It Help Me Flirt?

The iPhone XS also has animoji and memojis that are cute and good for flirting, which the iPhone 8 doesn’t have. With the XS, you can basically send a voice memo from a cute talking pig head or bitmoji of yourself. It makes me laugh, but then again, I have the maturity of a 10-year-old.

For more examples of how the animoji feature can be used, I recommend watching this video ten thousand times:

I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE YELLED AT A GIRL LIKE THIS pic.twitter.com/leFT2QP9xw

— crazy SPOOKED asian (@tribranchvo) September 21, 2018

Conclusion: You need memojis in your life, but no one will ever make a better video than the above video, so don’t even try.

Will It Make Me Beautiful?

This brings us to the game actual changer: PORTRAIT F*CKING MODE. I capitalized it because it is THE ANSWER TO ALL YOUR PRAYERS. Portrait mode takes your photos from cute to America’s Next Top Instagram Model with smart HDR, depth control, portrait lighting with five effects (Natural, Studio, Contour, Stage, Stage Mono), extended dynamic range for video, and cinematic video stabilization. If none of that means anything to you, just know it makes you look like you had professional photos taken without having to pay your sister’s creepy photographer friend to take them for you.

Additionally, you can use portrait mode to take 10-10,000 beautiful, hi def photos of your cat and then make those photos your background on everything. Not that I did that, per se. I’m just saying that’s something that someone with a stunning, perfect cat could do if they wanted to.

Conclusion: Let’s be honest, 90% of the time we are using our phones for social media. We all want our Insta stories and thirst traps to be FIRE, and this phone will do that for you. The higher quality the photo, the more likes you will get, and the more likes you get, the happier you are. And happy people don’t kill their husbands. They just don’t.

Wtf Else Does It Do?

They iPhone 8 and the iPhone XS have wireless charging and the same operating system (whatever that means), but the XS has an HDR display, which basically means your wallpaper looks dope, and you’ll be able to see all the people whose Insta stories you stalk in full detail.

(Note: No matter how hi-def your display is, it does not give you the right to make your wallpaper a photo of yourself. I don’t care if it’s you holding a puppy. I don’t care if it you and your boyfriend—actually, I especially don’t care then. I don’t care if it’s you on a jet-ski with Kim K and North. Just don’t do it.)

You can choose a 64GB, 256GB, or 512GB. I don’t know why anyone would need the 512GB unless you’re making a feature film with your phone or you’re an amateur pornographer and like to keep all your nudes, but whatever. To each her own. (That said, you should probably not store that many nudes on your phone, just sayin’.)

Conclusion: If you care about creating cool content, get the iPhone XS. If you just want a phone for texting, get the 8. Enough said. Don’t @ me.

Your Biggest Conspiracy Theory About The iPhone Is Totally True

No you aren’t crazy. (And savor that because, let’s be real, we usually are crazy.) Apple is actually slowing down older iPhone’s as their batteries age like a real shady bitch. And the people, like a true democracy, have joined together to sue them because it’s an inalienable right that our phones should never die and take selfies forever. Duh.

Instead of letting us put our Girl Scout technology badges to good use and replace the batteries in these phones, Apple is practically forcing us to get off our asses, go to the mall, and buy entirely new phones. It goes without saying, but iPhones are expensive AF and the whole thing feels like a scam preying on our deep fear of one day being a green text.

Of the eight lawsuits being filed against Apple, one is for $999 billion. If the petty betches who filed that suit win, they are obligated to buy us all new iPhones and kira kira apps. They probs won’t win because Apple is like an unbeatable Goliath but we’re pouring one out for the little David’s out there fighting the good fight. 

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

The 8 Most Important Features On The iPhone X You Need To Know About

On Tuesday, Apple had their annual event where they talk a lot about how they’re the most amazing company ever, and then they unveil a new iPhone that makes the tech world collectively jizz their pants. This year didn’t disappoint. After they spent like 30 minutes talking about how their stores are actually called “town squares” now (barf), they got to the goods: the iPhone X. And it’s beautiful. Here’s what you need to know about the latest offering from Steve Jobs’ ghost the Apple team.

1. X as in 10

In case you were confused, it’s pronounced “iPhone 10.” Apple is obviously too classy for, like, double digit numbers and counting in order, so they went with a Roman numeral. So thanks to that one random teacher in fifth grade who said we would need to know Roman numerals, now we’re finally putting our education to use.

2. The Screen

With the new iPhone, Apple got rid of that pesky home button and extended the screen so it’s edge-to-edge across the entire front. While you’ll have to get used to doing things without a button, now you have more surface area to admire your selfies and stalk potential bros. It’s, like, really pretty.

iPhone X Diary: First impressions from the keynote don’t wow me, but do impress https://t.co/MkUEpWwnyu pic.twitter.com/IDII7H1sMD

— 9to5Mac  (@9to5mac) September 13, 2017

3. Selfie Camera Upgrade

The old iPhone selfie camera isn’t terrible, but it’s also highly questionable sometimes, and Apple is here to help in your quest to become a social media thirst trap. The new selfie camera comes with portrait mode, the standout feature from the iPhone 7 that lets you take everything from LinkedIn photos to artistically blurred nudes. This is major, guys, and we are so thankful.

4. Face ID

If scanning your fingerprint was starting to feel really 2014, Apple agreed with you. With the removal of the home button/fingerprint scanner, they had to come up with something new to unlock your phone, and they settled on facial recognition. This shit is supposed to be like 10 times more secure than the fingerprint, so your important documents (screenshots that could end relationships/careers/lives) are safer than ever. 

Selfie

5. Talking Emojis

We’re not sure if this sounds like fun or our worst nightmare. Using the facial recognition software, Apple also animated some popular emojis, so you can record yourself and it literally turns you into the emoji. Technology is out here saving lives and making the world a better place every damn day, shit is crazy. Nothing will get a boy to respond to you like a stern message from a talking chicken, right?

6. Glass And Shit

The new iPhone has glass on the front and the back, which sounds like a recipe for drunken disaster, but Apple assures us that it’s the most durable glass ever used on a phone. We all have at least one train wreck friend who will really put that to the test. The phone is also water and dust resistant like the 7, so toilets still aren’t an issue, thank god.

Clumsy

7. Wireless Charging

The new iPhone is the first to have wireless charging capability, where you can just set it down on a special mat and it just does its thing. This sounds cool, but what will we do without seven different charging cords on every side of our bed? It’s going to take some getting used to, but change is good.

8. iOS 11

The new version of iOS is available for everyone next week, and it’s a nice upgrade from last year’s edition. Everything just looks cleaner, and there’s a really nice change to control center that lets you customize what you want easy access to. Ugh, why do we like this company so much.

Shut Up And Take My Money

Read: The 8 Best And Cutest Portable Chargers
 
What Your iPhone Case Says About The Kind Of Psycho You Are

Sad news for the basic among us, those liquid glitter phone cases you probably considered buying but then realized are incredibly tacky are apparently extremely dangerous. According to an ABC news report, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has announced a recall on several models of iPhone cases made by the company MixBin, because their mesmerizing glitter liquid was leaking out and burning people. Umm…wow. Who knew literally every girl who ordered a unicorn frappuccino un-ironically was also in possession of such a dangerous weapon? Sorry to all the Beckys of the world. I know your community has been hit the hardest. It’s survival of the least basic, or whatever it was that Darwin guy was talking about. This whole incident got us thinking, if glitter cases are the uniform for the basic, what do other iPhone cases mean? The phone case is, after all, wayyy more than just a tool to protect your phone from water damage. It also tells the world precisely how much of a hot mess you are. Honestly, dating apps should have a section where you’re asked to describe your phone case and whether or not you’re rocking an Android. It would save all of us a lot of trouble. So for those of you who are wondering what your phone case says about you, here is our heavily made up researched assessment: 

Indestructible/Battery Phone Cases – The Reformed Mess

You’ve been burned one too many times, haven’t you? The carefree college days of taking your naked-ass phone out to the club and coming back with it shattered into a thousand pieces are finally over, and and now that your parents won’t pay for your replacements anymore you’re slightly older, it’s time to get serious. Maybe it was the time you put a full stiletto through your iPhone 4, or maybe it was the time your phone died and you lost everyone at Coachella, but you are done with the near-death experiences for now. Sure, your case ain’t cute, but it could literally get run over by a truck (you know because it has been) and comes with 3x the charge, meaning you can take as many Insta stories as you want without fear of hitting 1%. Honestly, good for you.

LuMee Case – The Selfie Freak

Your Insta followers recently hit the thousands and you just cannot risk bad lighting at this point in your hoeism career. We get it. You’re the girl who fills my feed with 10-20 perfectly lit, facetuned selfies daily, and for some reason I just cannot unfollow. Any time you pull out your phone for a pic, 15 randoms show up to hop in it because they know the picture will come out amazing and get a thousand likes. In many ways, this case has become your full-time job. Good luck with your life as a knock-off Kardashian. You’re doing amazing, sweetie.

The Wallet Phone Case – The Mess

Phone, keys, wallet? Yeah, that’s way too many things. You can barely remember to get out of bed in the morning, let alone remember both a phone AND a wallet. Nah. You need to minimize the damage you will inevitably do to your life on any given weekend by consolidating your shit into one easily remembered package. Honestly, if you can find a way to attach that shit to your body, maybe by sewing it into your hair or something, that would probably be best. The upside to this lifestyle is that you have less shit to drag around with you when you’re drunk and tryna be free. The downside is that when you do inevitably lose this, you’ve lost literally your entire life. But that’s also like, fine. You’ve fucked up worse and lived.

Personalized – The Psycho

This one goes out to the girl I saw senior year of college whose phone case was literally a bedazzled picture of her own face. You think I forgot that shit? No fucking way. I’ll never forget it. Sometimes I wake up with a cold sweat in the middle of the night still thinking about the unique set of life events that would lead a person to get a phone case of their own damn face. Wow. I’m actually getting upset thinking about it. Moving on…

Graphic Cases – The One That DGAF

Congratulations, betch! You don’t give a fuck to such a degree that you spent $20 on a paper-thin case that does nothing all because it has a funny/sarcastic/betchy saying on it. Honestly, you’re doing everything right. Either that, or you have no personality and are using the bold statement on your phone case to mask your inability to be bold in your actual life. Either way, we dig your style. And not just because we literally sell these cases. That’s totally not why. Don’t worry about it. But I mean, if you want to buy one…

Wooden/Marble/Whatever – The Real Adult

Okay. You’re classy. We get it. You “have a bank account” and “know your credit score” and shit. Good for you. Aren’t you fucking fancy. Enjoy your investments. You disgust me.

No Phone Case – The Dangerous Renegade

You live on the edge, and it disturbs me. What type of Patrick Bateman-ass rich psycho are you that you can just let your naked phone float around in the world with nothing to protect it? What if you drop it? What if you stand up and forget it is in your lap and it falls on the ground? What if you’re drunk and it falls out of your pocket while you’re in the bathroom and lands in the toilet? THESE THINGS CAN HAPPEN! Your devil-may-care attitude is affecting not only your life, but the life of your precious phone. You know what, that’s it. I’m calling the FBI. 

READ: The Best Portable Phone Chargers So You Can Stop Bothering The Bartender