Your Biggest Conspiracy Theory About The iPhone Is Totally True

No you aren’t crazy. (And savor that because, let’s be real, we usually are crazy.) Apple is actually slowing down older iPhone’s as their batteries age like a real shady bitch. And the people, like a true democracy, have joined together to sue them because it’s an inalienable right that our phones should never die and take selfies forever. Duh.

Instead of letting us put our Girl Scout technology badges to good use and replace the batteries in these phones, Apple is practically forcing us to get off our asses, go to the mall, and buy entirely new phones. It goes without saying, but iPhones are expensive AF and the whole thing feels like a scam preying on our deep fear of one day being a green text.

Of the eight lawsuits being filed against Apple, one is for $999 billion. If the petty betches who filed that suit win, they are obligated to buy us all new iPhones and kira kira apps. They probs won’t win because Apple is like an unbeatable Goliath but we’re pouring one out for the little David’s out there fighting the good fight. 

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

We’re Giving Away An iPhone X & Here’s How To Win

Listen up, betches. We’re about to make your day. We’re giving away an iPhone X to one lucky new ‘Sup subscriber this month. That’s right. Hold off on putting the iPhone X on your Christmas list, because you have the chance to win it FO FREE. 

What is The ‘Sup? The ‘Sup is your destination for funny and informative explanations of political news. We’ll tell you everything that’s going on through articles, videos, and our ‘Sup newsletter that’s sent straight to your inbox five times a week. You know how the regular news is like, boring and hard to understand? Well, The ‘Sup is the cool news explained in a way you can understand, like equating choosing the new White House pick for the acting director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau to getting into Kris Jenner’s annual Christmas party. Are you really skeptical that those things could ever be related to one another? Then sign up for The ‘Sup newsletter and let us prove you wrong… and be entered to win an iPhone X in the process. Everybody wins.

We’re going to give this iPhone X to one new lucky subscriber to The ‘Sup newsletter this month. So sign up with your email address in the form below, and one new subscriber will be chosen on January 2nd. If you’re the lucky bitch winner, we’ll email you so don’t @ us. Only new subscribers are eligible, but if you already subscribe to The ‘Sup newsletter (good job), you can enter with a second email if you want. Just make sure it’s a real email address…otherwise you won’t get notified if you win. Duh. 

Enter below! May the odds be ever in your favor.

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The 8 Most Important Features On The iPhone X You Need To Know About

On Tuesday, Apple had their annual event where they talk a lot about how they’re the most amazing company ever, and then they unveil a new iPhone that makes the tech world collectively jizz their pants. This year didn’t disappoint. After they spent like 30 minutes talking about how their stores are actually called “town squares” now (barf), they got to the goods: the iPhone X. And it’s beautiful. Here’s what you need to know about the latest offering from Steve Jobs’ ghost the Apple team.

1. X as in 10

In case you were confused, it’s pronounced “iPhone 10.” Apple is obviously too classy for, like, double digit numbers and counting in order, so they went with a Roman numeral. So thanks to that one random teacher in fifth grade who said we would need to know Roman numerals, now we’re finally putting our education to use.

2. The Screen

With the new iPhone, Apple got rid of that pesky home button and extended the screen so it’s edge-to-edge across the entire front. While you’ll have to get used to doing things without a button, now you have more surface area to admire your selfies and stalk potential bros. It’s, like, really pretty.

iPhone X Diary: First impressions from the keynote don’t wow me, but do impress https://t.co/MkUEpWwnyu pic.twitter.com/IDII7H1sMD

— 9to5Mac  (@9to5mac) September 13, 2017

3. Selfie Camera Upgrade

The old iPhone selfie camera isn’t terrible, but it’s also highly questionable sometimes, and Apple is here to help in your quest to become a social media thirst trap. The new selfie camera comes with portrait mode, the standout feature from the iPhone 7 that lets you take everything from LinkedIn photos to artistically blurred nudes. This is major, guys, and we are so thankful.

4. Face ID

If scanning your fingerprint was starting to feel really 2014, Apple agreed with you. With the removal of the home button/fingerprint scanner, they had to come up with something new to unlock your phone, and they settled on facial recognition. This shit is supposed to be like 10 times more secure than the fingerprint, so your important documents (screenshots that could end relationships/careers/lives) are safer than ever. 

Selfie

5. Talking Emojis

We’re not sure if this sounds like fun or our worst nightmare. Using the facial recognition software, Apple also animated some popular emojis, so you can record yourself and it literally turns you into the emoji. Technology is out here saving lives and making the world a better place every damn day, shit is crazy. Nothing will get a boy to respond to you like a stern message from a talking chicken, right?

6. Glass And Shit

The new iPhone has glass on the front and the back, which sounds like a recipe for drunken disaster, but Apple assures us that it’s the most durable glass ever used on a phone. We all have at least one train wreck friend who will really put that to the test. The phone is also water and dust resistant like the 7, so toilets still aren’t an issue, thank god.

Clumsy

7. Wireless Charging

The new iPhone is the first to have wireless charging capability, where you can just set it down on a special mat and it just does its thing. This sounds cool, but what will we do without seven different charging cords on every side of our bed? It’s going to take some getting used to, but change is good.

8. iOS 11

The new version of iOS is available for everyone next week, and it’s a nice upgrade from last year’s edition. Everything just looks cleaner, and there’s a really nice change to control center that lets you customize what you want easy access to. Ugh, why do we like this company so much.

Shut Up And Take My Money

Read: The 8 Best And Cutest Portable Chargers