How Far Is Too Far When It Comes To Fillers?

If the women gracing our reality TV screens are any indication, the fillers trend isn’t slowing down anytime soon. The statistics confirm this: in the United States, the use of fillers has increased tremendously from 1.8 million procedures in 2010 to 2.68 million in 2018, according to data from the American Society of Plastic Surgeons. With so many people going under the needle, I *Carrie Bradshaw voice* couldn’t help but wonder: are fillers even safe? To find out, I spoke with Dr. Oren Tepper, a board-certified plastic surgeon, and the Director of Aesthetic Surgery at Montefiore Health System.

What Exactly Are Fillers?

Like the name suggests, fillers are used to fill in wrinkles and other creases or depressions on the face by injecting a substance into the facial tissue. There are a variety of substances that can be used depending on what the patient is trying to achieve and the doctor’s preferences. Some examples are hyaluronic acid, collagen, fat and even stem cells.

Who Are Good Candidates For Fillers?

Because fillers can be used to address so many different facial issues, most people are good candidates for fillers. As far as the age range, Dr. Tepper says he has seen patients as young as in their twenties to those in their elderly years taking advantage of the procedure.

Who Should NOT Get Fillers?

Of course, those that have had bad reactions in the past are more likely to have issues again. You should also avoid fillers if you have a bleeding disorder, inflamed skin, are taking blood thinners, are pregnant or breastfeeding, or have a history of an allergic reaction to fillers.

What Are The Side Effects?

Swelling is to be expected and can range from being minor to requiring a few days to a week to subside. More seriously, a bluish discoloration can occur if the fillers are injected too close to the skin and, in rare cases, if the filler finds its way into the bloodstream, it can occlude the arteries and result in tissue loss. Dr. Tepper says that these more serious complications are relatively rare, however, occurring in fewer than 1% of cases. The FDA also cites scarring, blurred vision, and blindness as other rare but serious risks that can occur if the filler is injected into a blood vessel.

How Much Is Too Much?

According to Dr. Tepper, the general rule of thumb is that if somebody notices you have fillers, you’ve gone too far. I guess most Bravolebrities have yet to get this memo. The goal is to subtly enhance your natural facial features—key word being subtly. Another important factor is ratios. Dr. Tepper says that while “volume alone may not be the threshold for what makes somebody look unnatural or natural, the ratio of your upper lip to your lower lip is a real giveaway.” Generally, when the upper lip is equal to or bigger in size than the lower lip, the result looks overdone and unnatural. What’s worse, an oversized upper lip can actually make someone appear older. Too much filler on the upper lip pulls it down and accelerates its natural drooping, which, according to Dr. Tepper, is about 1 millimeter every decade. Great, now I have another thing to be worried about. Another option, if you’re thinking of getting lip fillers in particular, is to take a more comprehensive approach and consider how you want your mouth to look as a whole. Dr. Tepper recently teamed with aesthetic dentist Dr. Jonathan Levine to introduce LipSync, a dual-specialty approach that changes both lip length and tooth position, so your entire smile looks better and you avoid the dreaded balloon lips effect.

But if you do go too far, there are some ways you can fix a f*ck up. According to the American Board of Cosmetic Surgery, mild irregularities like lumpiness or slight asymmetry may be fixed be massaging the area, which your provider can do or help you do at home. Certain types of fillers can be dissolved by injecting an enzyme (more on that in a sec), but otherwise, the best option is just to wait for the fillers to get absorbed by your body.

How Long Does It Last?

This depends on which type of filler is injected into the face. Dr. Tepper estimates that hyaluronic acid fillers will last anywhere from six months to a year and a half. One of the benefits of using hyaluronic acid is that if you are unhappy with the results, there’s an enzyme that can be injected afterwards to dissolve the filler. For those seeking something longer lasting, approximately half of any fat injected as filler stays in the face, according to Dr. Tepper. While there are permanent fillers such as silicone, Dr. Tepper does not recommend using them. Not only are the results irreversible, they can lead to disfigurement, infection and other serious problems. Yikes.

What’s This Going To Cost Me?

This varies tremendously depending on the filler used, the practitioner you go to and the area(s) to be treated, but Dr. Tepper estimated that the procedure usually costs about $1,000 per area on average.

Are There More Natural Alternatives?

While sadly there is no magic face cream that will annihilate your wrinkles and pay off your student loans, certain fillers are more natural than others. Using fat or stem cells may be a good choice for those who don’t like the idea of injecting unnatural substances into their body. Dr. Tepper will often inject saline into the desired area to give the patient a sense of the results, but this only lasts several hours rather than several months. A lip lift is another procedure that can add volume without injecting filler. If you’re looking for something sans needle, topical retinoids are a good preventative measure that can help fight wrinkles and hold off the need for the needle.

What Should I Know Before Committing?

It’s important that patients considering fillers understand exactly what they are getting into. In Dr. Tepper’s experience, many people mistake overdone filler for botched plastic surgery: “The overdone lips, the overinflated cheeks. Those are not surgical issues, those are overfilling.” In order to avoid this, it’s okay to start small and get a few injections in stages over a period of time in order to carefully assess the results instead of doing everything at once. This is especially true for those who haven’t had the procedure before. Dr. Tepper uses MirrorMe3D, an innovative, new visual technology with the ability to scan and print out a 3D version of your face. This allows patients to see what they could and should look like following a procedure, as well as what has been done throughout the years in case they visit more than one doctor.

At the end of the day, fillers are generally safe and effective, so long as you stick to the non-permanent versions and visit a doctor with proper training and credentials. While it might seem tempting to click on that 50% off Groupon, refrain, lest you end up looking like a case study on Botched. Or, we could all just collectively agree that wrinkles are perfectly natural and forego the whole thing entirely. Crazy, I know.

Images: Sara Bakhshi / Unsplash; Giphy (3)

This New True Crime Podcast Is The Next ‘Dirty John’

If you’ve listened to Dirty John or Dr. Death, then you have an idea of what Wondery’s podcasts offer. They’re grisly, salacious looks into crimes you never knew existed, and honestly my morning commute has never been better. This week, Wondery dropped their newest podcast: Over My Dead Body. It tells the story of Dan and Wendi, “two good-looking attorneys” with “a bad breakup, a worse divorce, and a murder case involving a menagerie of high-priced lawyers and unexpected co-conspirators.” So basically, the details of how a power couple fell apart, plus a murder twist. That’s literally all of my favorite things.

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This is the height of luxury! @kayyorkcity

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So, what’s the crime being investigated here? If you’re the kind of person who hates having an appropriate amount of context spoilers, then I’d recommend you stop reading here.

Do I google the story @WonderyMedia did for #overmydeadbody podcast or keep guessing who’s responsible? I’ve changed my mind 5 times! #truecrime pic.twitter.com/wS6410j6sX

— Jamie- Uglee Truth Podcast (@theugleetruth) February 14, 2019

Still with me? Good. In 2014, Dan Markel (the husband) was found dead in his Tallahassee home: shot in the head. According to Refinery29, Wendi Adelson’s (the wife’s) family was “immediately suspected of hiring someone to complete the crime.” To be fair, if I had a bad divorce from someone I would want my family to at least OFFER to send a hitman. (JK! My family’s not rich enough to pull that off.) The podcast starts with the story of Dan and Wendy’s relationship (and subsequent divorce), then goes into the details of Dan’s death and the investigation that followed.

Given how the trial in this case concludes, the story becomes less about their relationship, and more about the dynamics of race and privilege involved in the trial. Despite the Adelson family being immediate suspects, and further connections being found between the family and the suspected hitman, no family members were ultimately charged with any crimes. Instead, only people of color were arrested in connection to the crime. Given that the Adelsons are a wealthy, white family, Over My Dead Body explores how the family’s privilege may have played a role in who was ultimately charged for this crime. I mean, yeah, if it’s between wealthy Floridians staging a hit on their ex-son-in-law and a random break-in, I am 100% going with the former. People from Florida are, as a rule, insane. In-laws are also generally insane. It just adds up.

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SHOUT OUT TO EVERYONE IN TAMPA WITH A HORRENDOUS LEG TATTOO WHO DOESN’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR DAD

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I listened to the first episode this morning, and what struck me most (other than how f*cking addictive it was) was how easy it was to forget that the story led up to a murder. Episode one starts with Dan’s upbringing, then how he met Wendi, and what their wedding was like. They also interview friends who knew them as a couple. It tells you, from Dan’s perspective, about the divorce. And as much as I love hearing the gory details of a murder, I have to say I find autopsies of relationships equally interesting—and this one sounds like a real mess. Also, and this may just be because I’m a messy b*tch, I live for seeing any two people who are described as “the perfect couple” be torn down. Especially when they try really hard to convince people they are, in fact, a perfect couple.

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SAD! @yondrehittims

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If you binge the first few episodes of ‘Over My Dead Body’ (can’t blame you) and are hungry for more true crime content, here’s a list of other relationships with famously violent ends. Enjoy.

Debra Newell

I mentioned ‘Dirty John’ earlier, but if you’re not lucky enough to have listened yet, then here’s what you’re missing. ‘Dirty John’ is the story of Debra Newell, a wealthy, middle-aged interior designer, and John Meehan, the criminal and con man who seduces her. In classic Wondery fashion, the story starts with the dynamics of the relationship: the intense emotions, the broken trust, what it looked like from the outside. But as tensions build, the focus shifts from how to spot and catch a con man—and more to how you survive him. (If you’re more of a visual learner, there’s now a Bravo series on this too.)

Lorena Bobbitt

Lorena Bobbitt famously became known as the woman who cut off her husband’s penis. While this crime was thrown around as a zany joke for most of the ‘90s, details of the crime—and the relationship leading up to it—are far from funny. I’ll let you discover the rest on your own (preferably by watching Jordan Peele’s new Amazon series about it), but suffice it to say that women don’t typically go around cutting off genitalia without due cause.

Jodi Arias

On May 8, 2013, Jodi Arias was convicted of first-degree murder for the death of ex-boyfriend Travis Alexander. Alexander and Arias met in 2006, and began a long-distance relationship in 2007. Over their 18-month, off-and-on relationship, Arias moved twice to be closer to Alexander. Meanwhile, Alexander’s friends consistently disliked Arias and felt her behavior was “worrying.” Naturally, when these same friends found Alexander covered in stab wounds with a gunshot to the head, they pointed the police in Arias’ direction. Arias pled “not guilty” to initial charges, but claimed she committed the murder was self-defense two years later, and alleged that she was a victim of domestic violence. While the Jodi Arias story doesn’t have a TV show (so sad), there is a Lifetime movie that I am very excited to watch.

Basically, if you like hearing people talk sh*t about other peoples’ relationships along with your regular dose of true crime, any one of these stories will be right up your alley. Do yourself a favor and start Over My Dead Body today, then drop your number in the comments so I can text you all my insane theories as I come up with them. Thanks!

Images: Bravo; Instagram; Twitter; InstagramInstagram

We Know Who Becca’s ‘Bachelorette’ Stylist Is, & We’re Calling The Police

There’s been a lot of troubling shit that’s happened during this season of The Bachelorette, but nothing has been more horrifying than the clothes Becca has willingly worn on her body. Watching her outfits week after week has made me want to call the police on more than one a occasion, and it got me thinking, where the hell is Becca’s stylist in her time of need? Did ABC cut that budget too along with travel and the background check money?? Well, according to Life & Style Mag, Becca does in fact have a stylist: one Mr. Cary Fetman. Apparently we have him to “thank for stunning looks” this season. So, this is the man who’s been actively trying to blind me every fucking Monday for the last four weeks? I just have one question for you, Cary: who hurt you?

But, seriously, who is Cary Fetman and why does he want to sabotage Becca and her happiness by dressing her in 2010’s hottest mall clothes? That’s what I’m here to find out. According to his interview with Life & Style Mag, Cary has been a long time stylist for the Bachelor franchise and styled past Bachelorettes/goddesses incarnate JoJo and Rachel. Clearly he has some sense of style because those bitches looked amazing on their seasons. To be fair, JoJo was perhaps the most stylish Bachelorette that ABC has ever had, and if she even breathed near a piece of clothing I immediately bought it and every color it came in. To even THINK that JoJo and Becca were styled by the same human and not one professional stylist and one professional Costco shopper is absurd. But, alas, it’s true. Which brings me to the bigger question here: why does Cary Fetman want to ruin Becca’s life? I have my theories. *stands on soapbox* *clears throat* Here are three theoretical reasons to explain why Bachelor stylist Cary Fetman is out to get Becca.

1. He’s Team Lauren

How anyone could choose a robot life form forged in the underground belly of ABC studios over Becca is beyond me but, like, I’ve been wrong before. That’s right, fellow Bachelor conspiracy theorists, Cary Fetman could actually be Team Lauren. Now typically stylists only come into play for Bachelor contestants when it’s down to the final two women. If you’ll recall, Lauren showed up to her proposal dressed like a goddamn vision, while Becca showed up in one of the most visually offensive garments I’ve ever laid eyes on. While I don’t think anyone could have predicted how spectacularly Arie would fuck up last season, I do think our boy Cary was rooting for Lauren B to either get the proposal or the Bachelorette gig and for Becca to go shave her back. It’s the only explanation for how someone could actually support another person wearing a nude a dress with black overlay on national fucking television in 2018.

He certainly isn’t, Becca!

2. He’s Using Heinous Fashion As A Ploy To Get More Instagram Followers

In an interview with Who What Wear, our boy Cary admitted that he understands social media about as well my dad who just emailed me for instructions on how to share a link on his Facebook page (I paraphrase, but you get the point). Supposedly Chris Harrison held him at gunpoint casually suggested he get on this newfangled thing called “Instagram” during JoJo’s season because he was the last ABC employee to do so and they needed him to step his fucking game up. How embarrassing for him. With Cary being so late to the Instagram game, he had to have some sort of strategy for gaining followers and might have adopted the strategy of bad press is still press, amiright?

Apparently in the past Cary has pushed contestants to “take chances” with their style, even though JoJo word for word said she would be “crucified on social media” for wearing one of his outfit suggestions. CRUCIFIED ON SOCIAL MEDIA. Becca, are you listening to this?? In response to JoJo’s concerns, Cary said this: “So what?… You can’t rule your life by what others are going to say on social media.” Um, excuse me, but are you living in the same broken world as I am, Cary?? Because, yes, you sure fucking can! This is The Bachelorette! These girls are on here to find mediocre fame and a guy who works with their favorite Instagram filter, not to take chances and potentially be skewered anonymously on the internet for it! Yeah, clearly, Cary is not here for the right reasons and is just using the Bachelorettes to promote heinous fashion and foster conversation about his “risk-taking” style. Pass.

3. He’s Trying To Save Becca From Herself

Finally, my favorite theory for why he might be secretly sabotaging Becca’s chances at love through offensive fashion choices: Cary is just trying to do Becca a solid. Hear me out now: Recently it’s come to light that the men on Becca’s season are trash. Like, soon-to-be registered sex offender, homophobic, racist, piles of trash masquerading as decent human beings with posh accents. She’s so lucky! And yet week after week Becca continues to give out roses to these cretins. Maybe Cary wants to help her out in the only way he knows how: by ruining her sex appeal one lace blazer at a time. Honestly, he’s making a valiant effort here. Go big or go home.

And there you have it, people. Cary Fetman: the man, the myth, the life-ruiner. I can’t wait for next Monday’s episode! I’m sure Becca’s date wear will be a literal crime scene. 

Images: Getty Images; Giphy (3)

Is Nick Jonas Into Cougars? We Investigate

Apparently I wasn’t the only one to blackout over Memorial Day Weekend and make questionable decisions with a guy who told me he was “basically 21,” because Priyanka Chopra from TV’s Quantico just stepped out with Nick Jonas, and it is a lot for me to digest. That’s right, people, 25-year-old Nick “I Lost My Purity Ring” Jonas is supposedly dating 35-year-old Priyanka Chopra after they were spotted together at a Dodgers game last weekend. To be fair, I also take the kids I babysit to baseball games sometimes so, like, it’s not super solid evidence. But the two of them have been spending a weird amount of time together, so I guess I’ll buy into it. For now.

For those of you who left thoughts of Nick Jonas back in 2010 along with your Delia’s gift card and the Hannah Montana finale, this actually isn’t the first time Nick’s been romantically linked to an older woman. Which got me thinking, is Nick Jonas into cougars? Is the boy behind prolific lines like “I’ve been to the year 3000” and “not much has changed but they lived under water” that defined our generation, somehow seducing mature, grown-ass women?? These are the questions that keep me up at night. Clearly, this is a case for the FBI me and my creative writing degree which I shall treat like it’s a journalism degree. So buckle up, betches, because it’s time to take a deep dive into the psyche of a Joe Bro.

For someone who got famous for his talent and artistic drive being a hot virgin, Nick has had a lot of fucking girlfriends over the years. Like, way more than his covers on Tiger Beat ever alluded to being possible. Nick’s cougar fetish goes way back to 2011, when he dated Delta Goodrem, an Australian singer (??), for 10 months. Delta was a solid 27 years old at the time of their courtship, while Nick was only 18. EIGHT-FUCKING-TEEN. When I was 18 I was still getting drunk off of wine coolers and buying my “lingerie” from American Eagle. I was certainly not banging Australian singers old enough to be my legal guardian. In an interview with 60 Minutes, Delta said this of their relationship:

Maybe it’s that I’m interested in challenges. Maybe I’m one of these spirits who goes, ‘Ooh, what is this lesson here? What am I learning here?’ … There was a genuine love, definitely.”

Okay, I have so many questions here. First of all, why is 60 Minutes trying to get to the bottom of a Disney star’s sex life? I mean, I know I’m doing the same thing here, but I also spend 30-45 minutes a day searching Bughead fan accounts on Instagram, so it’s not like I’m the best at using my time wisely, ya feel me? Secondly, WHAT IS SO CHALLENGING ABOUT DATING AN 18-YEAR-OLD? Other than trying to convince the bouncer at the bar where your friends are that his fake ID is real? Also, I would love to know the life lessons Nick fucking Jonas taught this woman who was almost pushing 30. Please enlighten me, Delta. 

Moving on. Nick also had a “fling” with Kate Hudson back in 2016. As we all know, “fling” is the celebrity code word for “definitely banged a few times.” When I first heard this news I was shocked, because Kate is 13 years older than little Nicky and also a mother of two. I’m not sure if Kate was having some sort of mid-life crisis in which she suddenly had a burning desire to seduce the star of her son’s favorite Disney program, but somehow it happened. Then again, maybe Nick has some sort of secret game that I’m not aware of??

Christ. Maybe not.

Nick told Ellen Degeneres that he’d been on a group date with an unnamed older actress but “it wasn’t a date”, which is funny because that’s the exact same line I use when my Hinge date tries to split the bill. He later confirmed their booty call relationship in an interview with Complex magazine when he all but admitted that he definitely banged Kate Hudson. And by that I mean he said this:

“Out of my best effort to respect her and her privacy, I’m not going to say if we had sex or not. But we did have a beautiful connection…. She’s amazing.”

ALSO NICK:

I rest my fucking case.

The last piece of evidence I’ll present to the court 5-10 friends I’ve blackmailed into reading all of my articles is this: Last week, Nick tried to slide into Jenna Dewan’s DMs. After the Billboard Music Awards, Jenna posted an Instagram photo with the caption “Billboard Awards- ‘twas such a fun night!!!” Nick commented on her photo with this flirtatious comeback:

Relatable. #CommentsByCelebs

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‘TWAS. ‘TWASN’T IT.

First of all, I’d just like to say that you, sir, are ballsy. Not only is Jenna 12 years older than Nick, but she’s also been on the market for all of five minutes, and I’m sure my her heart is still mending from the devastating break up with the love of my her life, Channing Tatum. LET THE WOMAN BREATHE, NICKY. To be fair, he also liked a shit ton of photos that his ex-girlfriend, Olivia Culpo, posted that night as well, so it’s unclear as to if he was actually flirting with Jenna or if he just had a hefty amount of Pinot Grigio and wanted to connect with someone. Who can say. All I know is it ‘TWAS very suspicious.

So there you have it: definitive proof that Nick Jonas has more mommy issues than Ariel Winter is into cougars. And by “definitive proof,” I mean vague assumptions I’ve made based on the internet rumors surrounding his sex life. Obviously. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend the rest of the day trying to unsee the The Jonas Brothers’ flat-ironed curls circa 2007 that have now been seared into my brain thanks to this investigation.

Images: Giphy (2); @commentsbycelebs /Instagram (1)

Is Cole Sprouse & Lili Reinhart’s Relationship One-Sided? What Their Body Language Reveals

On Monday, Riverdale co-stars Cole Sprouse and Lili Reinhart were caught kissing—KISSING!—on the streets of Paris, the city of lights/love/whatever random monikers they come up with next. In case you haven’t been reading my weekly Riverdale recaps (for shame), I’ve been speculating about Lili and Cole dating for literal years. Like, ever since The CW took on the incredible challenge of turning the twin who dressed up in drag on The Suite Life into a certifiable snack and the reason I want to start* dating guys with trust issues.

*I always date guys with trust issues.

Lili and Cole were rumored to be dating after their characters, Jughead, the bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks (lol) whose defining characteristics on the show include trying to capitalize off his classmate’s murder for his novel and wearing a weird hat, and Betty, the virgin who can’t drive, started over-the-clothes groping in the first season. I hope that’s the story they tell their grandkids one day. Despite the fact that I and the Instagram fan accounts that I troll have been watching their every waking move for two fucking seasons, Lili and Cole have kept things quiet about their real-life relationship and have neither confirmed nor denied the dating rumors. Which is fucking rude, because I thought that we were closer than that. Whatever, I’m over it. And while they can pretend denial is just a river in Egypt all they want, the paparazzi in Paris confirmed what we all already fucking knew by capturing a photo of the two of them making out on the streets like it’s last call at happy hour.

Sealed with a kiss! #ColeSprouse and #LiliReinhart were spotted kissing in Paris. Go to the LINK IN BIO for the full gallery of 60 pics! (????: Backgrid)

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To those of you who tried to tell me that Bughead wasn’t real and that I that all the fake relationship fan accounts I follow are “creepy” and a “violation of privacy,” all I have to say is: I fucking told you so.

Tbh I haven’t felt this smug and self-righteous about something since jean skirts came back into style. And while normally I’d be basking in my own ego for the next 3-5 business days for being right about something, there’s like, a lot to unpack in this photo. Like, why Cole Sprouse’s outfit is saying “I only drink expensive red wine and I consider other people’s garbage the perfect addition to my found art project”? So let’s give these damning photos a second look, shall we? Take a look at the third photo in the carousel above. Stare at it for at least 10 seconds so it’s burned into your memory. Ok, ready? Let’s discuss.

Jesus. That doesn’t get any easier to look at, does it? Let’s talk about the body language for a second. On the one hand we have Lili, who is looking at Cole like she has Stockholm syndrome Dark Betty looks at her own reflection before she turns on her webcam.

Then we have Cole: His body is turned away from Lili and his eyes are saying he regrets not adding his favorite line of poetry to his Instagram bio. Sad! Perhaps the most concerning part about this entire photo is that it looks like Lili hasn’t brushed her hair since the damn plane landed and she’s wearing the ugliest effing jacket I’ve ever seen, an obvious sign that she trusts Cole enough to love her at her worst. So sweet. Meanwhile, Cole is sporting the beginning wisps of a mustache the likes of which only To Catch A Predator has ever seen, which means she definitely shouldn’t trust him, especially around any woman who asks him to explain his “craft” to her.

Tbh I could be all wrong here. He could only be leaning away from her because she decided to practice an upcoming Dark Betty scene with him in the bedroom and shit got a little too weird. The look in his eyes could be less about a missed poetry opportunity and more of a desperate cry for help, which I’m ignoring for the sake of this article. I mean, who am to judge? Jk. I tune into this bullshit every week and follow all of these kids on Insta. I’m absolutely qualified to judge. 

Anyway, here’s hoping their off-screen sex translates to some more on-screen chemistry, forcing the Riverdale writers to write more scenes about that and less about Hiram Lodge’s business dealings. I’m not watching this show for tips on local city planning schemes, okay?

Images: Giphy (2); @justjared /Instagram (2)

We Think We Know Who Bit Beyoncé In The Face

It’s been less than a year since Tiffany Haddish rose to fame in Girls Trip, but she’s wasted no time giving us some incredible Hollywood stories. In a new interview with GQ, she spilled the tea on Beyoncé allegedly getting bit in the face at a party by a deranged actress, and I need so much more information. Obviously the A-list stars aren’t going to snitch on each other, so I’m taking it upon myself to speculate wildly as to who bit Beyoncé in the face.

Let’s go over what we know. According to Tiffany, the whole incident went down at the afterparty for one of Jay-Z’s concerts. The biter in question was allegedly on drugs, and she was annoying people all over the party. She even told Tiffany to stop dancing—the fucking nerve! Tiffany posted an Instagram selfie of her and Beyoncé on December 22, meaning that all of this drama must have taken place after the concert in Inglewood, CA on December 21. Call me Olivia Benson, I’m a fucking detective.

There’s no way to know every single famous person who was at this party, but the internet has put together a decent list. Here’s who we know was there: James Franco, Rihanna, Sanaa Lathan, Queen Latifah, Sara Foster, G-Eazy, French Montana, Diddy, and Jen Meyer. This is an eclectic mix, so let’s do some analysis to make sense of it.

@beyonce was telling me that my wig was slipping…. ???? But for real she told me to have fun and I DID! #SHEREADY #thelastblackunicorn #beyonce

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First of all, Tiffany said it was an actress, so that narrows it down a bit. Rihanna, Queen Latifah, Sara Foster, and Sanaa Lathan, congratulations, you are still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Biter. So first of all, I think we can rule out Rihanna. Yes, she’s been in movies, but is there really anyone who would refer to her as an actress? She’s solidly in the “singer who acts” category, but definitely a singer first. Rihanna, you’re out, auf wiedersehen.

And then there were three. Honestly, I don’t believe that it was Queen Latifah. She is a poised, mature woman, and she seems far beyond the point of casually biting Beyoncé. I hereby eliminate her from consideration in the who bit Beyoncé mystery. So that leaves us with Sanaa Lathan and Sara Foster, two C-list actresses who could definitely benefit from getting their names in the press a little. Sara Foster is best known for a recurring role on 90210, while Sanaa Lathan has spent most of her career playing supporting roles in mediocre movies. Oh, and Love & Basketball.

Both of these women have responded on social media to their names coming up in the biting scandal. Sara Foster laughed at the thought that she could get that close to Beyoncé, while Sanaa Lathan denied the biting, and said that if anything it would have been a love bite. Sweetie, that’s called a hickey.

Chrissy Teigen got involved in the story by tweeting about it, saying that there was only one person who she could imagine being to blame. Later, Chrissy found out the actual culprit, and it wasn’t who she thought. Chrissy’s Twitter account is often a source of humor, but right now I need it to be a source of information. Does Chrissy Teigen think Sanaa Lathan is the worst? Does this mean Sanaa didn’t do the biting??? Or maybe our two confirmed guests aren’t to blame at all. Maybe it was someone else. So WHO BIT BEYONCE?? The world needs answers.

I AM NEVER TELLING I’m scared I’ve said too much KNOWLEDGE IS A CURSE!

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) March 26, 2018

Twitter was quick to come up with a wide range of ideas, and some are better than others. Taraji P. Henson was an early favorite, but Tiffany Haddish shut that down, responding to a tweet saying it wasn’t her. Thank god, now I can sleep at night. People also suggested Jennifer Lawrence, but it’s confirmed that she was in New York, not LA, when the biting occurred. I’m also going to go out on a limb and say that it probably wasn’t Chrissy Teigen, unless she was completely blacked out and is now subtweeting herself. Honestly, stranger things have happened. Gwyneth Paltrow was another popular guess, and I can sort of get behind that. Gwyneth seems like the sort of tightly-wound person who could so some drugs and just go fucking nuts for a few hours. I’m not saying she did it, but it seems like a possibility.

Unless Tiffany or Chrissy decide to open up about the biting, the identity of who bit Beyoncé in the face will probably remain a mystery. Unfortunately, there’s just no way to know exactly which actress did some drugs on December 21 and went to Jay-Z’s party and ended up biting Beyoncé in the face. But whoever you are, please be advised that you are immediately and permanently canceled, and you better not show your fucking face in America ever again. Also, I’m pretty sure Tiffany Haddish will never be allowed near Beyoncé again. I hope she enjoyed it while it lasted.

Update: Multiple sources have confirmed to TMZ that Sanaa Lathan is, in fact, the one who bit Beyoncé. Damning information includes: Sanaa is an actress (as Tiffany Haddish described the biter to be), she was reportedly at Jay-Z’s 4:44 after-party in December where the bite took place, and Beyoncé and Sanaa are friends, meaning she’d be able to get close enough to commit the alleged biting. Though Sanaa Lathan sort of denied it on Twitter earlier this week (but really, that denial sounded more like an admission of guilt to me), we’re still standing by awaiting orders from our Overlord, Queen Bey. Bey, just say the word and we will… flood her IG comments with bee emojis, or whatever it is people do as retaliation in these situations.

Images: @tiffanyhaddish / Instagram; Chrissy Teigen / Twitter; Giphy (2)