Apparently I wasn’t the only one to blackout over Memorial Day Weekend and make questionable decisions with a guy who told me he was “basically 21,” because Priyanka Chopra from TV’s Quantico just stepped out with Nick Jonas, and it is a lot for me to digest. That’s right, people, 25-year-old Nick “I Lost My Purity Ring” Jonas is supposedly dating 35-year-old Priyanka Chopra after they were spotted together at a Dodgers game last weekend. To be fair, I also take the kids I babysit to baseball games sometimes so, like, it’s not super solid evidence. But the two of them have been spending a weird amount of time together, so I guess I’ll buy into it. For now.
For those of you who left thoughts of Nick Jonas back in 2010 along with your Delia’s gift card and the Hannah Montana finale, this actually isn’t the first time Nick’s been romantically linked to an older woman. Which got me thinking, is Nick Jonas into cougars? Is the boy behind prolific lines like “I’ve been to the year 3000” and “not much has changed but they lived under water” that defined our generation, somehow seducing mature, grown-ass women?? These are the questions that keep me up at night. Clearly, this is a case for
the FBI me and my creative writing degree which I shall treat like it’s a journalism degree. So buckle up, betches, because it’s time to take a deep dive into the psyche of a Joe Bro.
For someone who got famous for
his talent and artistic drive being a hot virgin, Nick has had a lot of fucking girlfriends over the years. Like, way more than his covers on Tiger Beat ever alluded to being possible. Nick’s cougar fetish goes way back to 2011, when he dated Delta Goodrem, an Australian singer (??), for 10 months. Delta was a solid 27 years old at the time of their courtship, while Nick was only 18. EIGHT-FUCKING-TEEN. When I was 18 I was still getting drunk off of wine coolers and buying my “lingerie” from American Eagle. I was certainly not banging Australian singers old enough to be my legal guardian. In an interview with 60 Minutes, Delta said this of their relationship:
“Maybe it’s that I’m interested in challenges. Maybe I’m one of these spirits who goes, ‘Ooh, what is this lesson here? What am I learning here?’ … There was a genuine love, definitely.”
Okay, I have so many questions here. First of all, why is 60 Minutes trying to get to the bottom of a Disney star’s sex life? I mean, I know I’m doing the same thing here, but I also spend 30-45 minutes a day searching Bughead fan accounts on Instagram, so it’s not like I’m the best at using my time wisely, ya feel me? Secondly, WHAT IS SO CHALLENGING ABOUT DATING AN 18-YEAR-OLD? Other than trying to convince the bouncer at the bar where your friends are that his fake ID is real? Also, I would love to know the life lessons Nick fucking Jonas taught this woman who was almost pushing 30. Please enlighten me, Delta.
Moving on. Nick also had a “fling” with Kate Hudson back in 2016. As we all know, “fling” is the celebrity code word for “definitely banged a few times.” When I first heard this news I was shocked, because Kate is 13 years older than little Nicky and also a mother of two. I’m not sure if Kate was having some sort of mid-life crisis in which she suddenly had a burning desire to seduce the star of her son’s favorite Disney program, but somehow it happened. Then again, maybe Nick has some sort of secret game that I’m not aware of??
Christ. Maybe not.
Nick told Ellen Degeneres that he’d been on a group date with an unnamed older actress but “it wasn’t a date”, which is funny because that’s the exact same line I use when my Hinge date tries to split the bill. He later confirmed their
booty call relationship in an interview with Complex magazine when he all but admitted that he definitely banged Kate Hudson. And by that I mean he said this:
“Out of my best effort to respect her and her privacy, I’m not going to say if we had sex or not. But we did have a beautiful connection…. She’s amazing.”
I rest my fucking case.
The last piece of evidence I’ll present to the
court 5-10 friends I’ve blackmailed into reading all of my articles is this: Last week, Nick tried to slide into Jenna Dewan’s DMs. After the Billboard Music Awards, Jenna posted an Instagram photo with the caption “Billboard Awards- ‘twas such a fun night!!!” Nick commented on her photo with this flirtatious comeback:
‘TWAS. ‘TWASN’T IT.
First of all, I’d just like to say that you, sir, are ballsy. Not only is Jenna 12 years older than Nick, but she’s also been on the market for all of five minutes, and I’m sure
my her heart is still mending from the devastating break up with the love of my her life, Channing Tatum. LET THE WOMAN BREATHE, NICKY. To be fair, he also liked a shit ton of photos that his ex-girlfriend, Olivia Culpo, posted that night as well, so it’s unclear as to if he was actually flirting with Jenna or if he just had a hefty amount of Pinot Grigio and wanted to connect with someone. Who can say. All I know is it ‘TWAS very suspicious.
So there you have it: definitive proof that Nick Jonas
has more mommy issues than Ariel Winter is into cougars. And by “definitive proof,” I mean vague assumptions I’ve made based on the internet rumors surrounding his sex life. Obviously. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend the rest of the day trying to unsee the The Jonas Brothers’ flat-ironed curls circa 2007 that have now been seared into my brain thanks to this investigation.
Images: Giphy (2); @commentsbycelebs /Instagram (1)
In the battle of the photo apps, which one is the betchiest? Clearly there’s a fight for queen bee right now between the different apps, but only one can be prom queen. In case you haven’t picked up on it, we’re talking about Snapchat vs. Instagram. On the one hand, Snapchat was def here first, and it’d be hard to argue that Insta didn’t literally steal every part of Snapchat’s business model for themselves. On the other hand, Instagram is more popular and allows you to post your best selfies to the public, forever (or until Instagram folds, whichever comes first). It’s hard to choose, but much like that summer where you had two boyfriends, you’re gonna have to pick one. Let’s take a look at the pros and cons of each by judging a specific set of very concrete and important metrics, so that when you fiinally run out of room on your phone you know which app to delete.
1. Getting a reaction on your photos
Instagram lets you like photos and get likes on your photos. If you need the dopamine rush of seeing the likes roll in, Instagram is def better. While Snapchat will let you reply to stories or snaps, nobody else can see what your friends are saying. So your crush can’t see how many bros commented your beach pic with the fire emoji, and what’s the point of that?
2. Stalking your friends and enemies
Simply put, you can’t do as deep of a stalking session on Snapchat the way you can with Instagram—it’s not like you can stalk someone’s Snapchat 52 weeks deep. Whether or not that’s a good thing depends on your stalking goals. Also, Snapchat is a fucking snitch since when you watch someone’s Snap story, it tells them you were creeping. Don’t get me wrong, that’s great for when I want the smug satisfaction of knowing my ex looked at my story featuring my new puppy, but not so great when I’m doing the stalking and I’m not tryna get exposed.
3. Sending private messages
There’s a whole song written about sliding into your DM’s (thanks YG), but when it comes to messaging privately, Snapchat is like Kanye and Instagram is Meek Mill. If you Snap someone enough, icons will appear by their name (whose exact symbolism is unclear), so anyone who said making friends isn’t a competition was def wrong. Instagram’s DM’s, on the other hand, feel like when someone pokes you on Facebook. It’s an option, sure, but like it’s just a little too transparent.
4. Posting stories
Instagram came into the stories game like a rapper moving in on your girl at the club. Instagram stories are like a push-up bra: We don’t need it, but we’ll use it when we’re bored because we like the attention it gets us. Snapchat has way better filters, though, which
is better for showing the world how basic you are makes posting Snap stories more fun. But Instagram has a wider audience because you probably have randos following you that you wouldn’t have on your Snapchat. It’s easier to post an Instagram story because you basically have Instagram open at all times, but even with the extra thumb movement Snapchat still has better options. Sometimes you just need to dog filter yourself for attention.
5. Going live
Snapchat doesn’t have a going live option, so Instagram automatically wins on this. Instagram lets you go live, and the live video doesn’t save the way Facebook does. Going live used to be horrifying to think about, but now we’ve come around to it. It’s basically like posting a Snapchat in real time, and people interact with you more than they do on a post.
6. Texting your crush
Both Snapchat and Instagram have messaging, but Snapchat’s is def better. Snapchat’s messages disappear after you read them, which means that any messages you send while drunk or after 1am don’t count. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about that fuckboy who tried to finesse a hookup via Instagram DM’s, which you obviously posted on all your social media immediately after. Also, sexting is 100% better on Snapchat. How would you even sext on Instagram?
7. Making people jealous of your life
Instagram is better for posting shit you want people to actually see, like your beach vacation pics or that time you met Drake. Snapchat is better if you want to individually make someone jealous, because you can see the second they’ve watched your story. If you’re trying to low-key let Brad know you’re dating someone new, use Snapchat. If you’re trying to let that girl in your marketing class know you went to Fashion Week, use Instagram.
Even though it’s a tie, we’re going to say Instagram is the winner because you can judge more people and get more attention. But on days when their face filters are good, Snapchat is def the winner. If you want to have the best of both worlds, Hannah Montana, you could always just download your selfies with the Snapchat filters and post them to Instagram. That may be cheating and the most annoying thing in the universe, but again, just like two-boyfriend summer, sometimes you just need to double dip.